Visiting
Dignitary Event 2007
Visiting
Dignitary Event 2007
On Sunday 6th May, the City of Cambridge will host the nominated diplomatic envoy of La Nuevamente-Democrática Republica Zanahoriana Abrebotellas Hereditario de Corquidicolandia. As with previous visits of this nature, it is vital for the sake of global liberty, democracy, our collective carbon footprint and other vague but politically-acceptable, rockstar-approved notions, that he be eliminated.
Your mission is to assassinate him. Information on him, his itinerary and your potential opposition is provided below for your convenience.
Fortunately, Cambridge has become a popular holiday destination for the ruling factions of Corquidicolandia and you may be interested in reading recent dossiers of past visits.
Except where otherwise noted, all water weapons, Nerf weapons, wooden rubber band guns, melee weapons, knives, coshes and cuddly toys may be used. Cuddly toys are the only throwing weapons allowed. Obviously, indirect weapons are not permitted. If you want to use anything else, or if there is anything you think has been forgotten, please email the Dignitary (rsig2). A hit anywhere counts as a kill.
The Centre of Town (by which we mean mostly the pedestrian zone) is likely to be busy and we will do our best to stay away from here. We will also try to avoid moving through college property as much as possible and suggest that you do likewise. Please exercise caution around busy roads and avoid engaging in fights across them. All play will be outdoors.
Assassins, Bodyguards and the Dignitary will resurrect after five minutes or shortly after they reach any objective, alive or dead, whichever is sooner.
Assassins are encouraged to ambush the Dignitary between events rather than attacking in huge mobs at the events themselves.
Padre Ricardo Gibón Gibón de Provechagrande
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Originally a missionary priest, Provechagrande was thrust into the limelight when a group of officials fleeing revolutionary gunmen ran into his church during the middle of a service. Not to be dismayed, he shooed them out of the church into the waiting arms of the police, who promptly arrested them all and took them away for 're-education'. Impressed, Noxiano-Bigotegrande made Provechagrande his spiritual advisor. It was in his capacity as an honorary member of Los Alamos that he accompanied the Minister Thomas Wilkes Booth on his visit to Cambridge in 2006 seeking economic aid in the face of Corquidicolandia's mounting food crisis. This visit was largely unsuccessful with widespread protests in Britain over the 'pies to Corquidicolandia' affair. Wilkes Booth returned empty-handed, or would have were it not for Provechagrande stabbing him in the back on the way home. The Padre returned a hero: stealing Wilkes Booth's personal supply of pies and distributing them throughout his network of churches won him populist support and staved off the famine long enough for the country's economy to recover through some complex economic transaction involving selling Corquidicolandia's orphans to visiting pop stars. Despite the best efforts of the Cambridge Assassins' Guild, under the evil General Pelugoconsandalias Noxiano-Bigotegrand Corquidicolandia has now become a flourishing carrot republic. In order to claim international legitimacy, the General has given his regime a democratic facade. The Padre can no longer tolerate this as it means an end to his lifestyle of theological studies, meditation, reflection and hunting peasants and so has decided to defect. Once in Cambridge he will meet Chinese agents and hand over to them state secrets in exchange for safe passage to a promised land of milk and honey where the peasants and altar boys are plentiful. These documents could be vital in exposing the corruption of Noxiano-Bigotegrande's regime and will be far more valuable in the hands of the British government than those of the Chinese. You must eliminate the Padre and recover them before he has the chance to hand them over. |
Los Alamos are the elite bodyguard of La Nuevamente-Democrática Republica Zanahoriana Abrebotellas Hereditario de Corquidicolandia, famed for their unique privileges to hunt llamas within the confines of city walls in their native Corquidicolandia. Senior members of this unit have been involved in the highest echelons of revolutionary politics for many years; or at least they would have been were it not for the fact that senior members of Los Alamos are usually the first to run away or be executed every time there is a revolution in quiet, sleepy Corquidicolandia. Information on some of these characters is sparse. If you find out more, please let Wikipedia know.
Jacobin Vado Cortinachevsky
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Cortinachevsky's Soviet past is long and highly-decorated. He has
operated undercover in every theatre from the poppy fields of Afghanistan
to being a section chief in Panama. He has represented, variously, the
NKVD, the GPU, the OGPU, the TT, the GUGB, the NKGB, the MGB, the LARP, the
KI and the GRU. On 14 October 1962, the playing field of the intelligence game changed forever when American U2 spy planes overflew Cuba and brought back pictures showing, for the first time, the full extent of Cortinachevsky's beard. Following this, he could no longer risk operating covertly and so defected to General Pelugoconsandalias Noxiano-Bigotegrande's regime. He now lives an idyllic lifestyle, working as a government security consultant and holding a token rank in the country's military. He owns a lavish villa in picturesque Southern Corquidicolandia which he designed himself. One-tenth of it is said to be set aside for his personal gym, a men-only sauna and massage parlour and a specially designed pit for Greek wrestling. |
Pájaro Comomono
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Comomono has been a popular, if controversial, figure in Corquidicolandia
over the past two decades. The son of a minister and a scientist he was a
founding member of that notorious revolutionary group, the Guild of
Hatters and Gentlemen's Outfitters. However, relations between Senor
Comomono and his followers have become strained in recent years over the
issue of the movement's future direction. As the group came to prominence
and gained more support, Comomono tried to represent the hardline element
and cracked down on the more outlandish headgear worn by some. However,
tensions have continued to mount and it has come to the point where the
Guild will no longer take his orders.
Bereft of any real political power, Comomono is now a lone ideological crusader. Working as a hired gun he defends the best-dressed and protects the well-heeled from their oppressors. |
'Hurón Hurgón'
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Known only by his nickname, Hurón Hurgón is a deputy director of the
Corquidicolandian secret police. From his humble beginnings as a traffic
enforcement supervisor he rose rapidly through the ranks with special
initiatives on donkey contraflow and, later, his ruthless enforcement of
General Noxiano-Bigotegrande's anti-breakfast ordinances. As an
interrogator he won awards after unmasking a whole village who claimed to
be related to Mateo Carretez. He is famed for his cruelty towards prisoners, having tortured both Westerners and Corquidicolandian peasants alike with his signature method involving putting ferrets down the trousers of uncooperative clients. However, his position has recently been called into question as he has so far proved ineffective in enforcing the Council of Morality's purge of furries and other large rodents. Hurgón has heard that the English have developed new mass torture techniques that involve subjecting large sections of the population to watching various national sporting sides and wishes to study these further. He hopes to be back home in time for Neighbours. |
'El Duque
Altíssimo de la Vanguardia y el Pais'
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'El Duque' (AKA Jose Cabarde) is one of the more colourful members of Los
Alamos. Born into a peasant farming community, he tried to gain respect
and social status by posing as a member of one of the country's oldest
aristocratic families. Unfortunately, he forgot that in the revolution
before last the people of Corquidicolandia had decided to throw off the
shackles of their Imperial past and execute the nobility. In an attempt to escape the ongoing purge he joined the revolutionary guard under Vagoysospechoso Noxiano-Bigotegrande. His accomplishments in the art of disguise and in impersonating his superior officers meant that he was rapidly promoted and eventually seconded to the elite unit of llama hunters. Life is not always easy for 'El Duque', though. He suffers daily assassination attempts on account of the 5 houses, 400 acres, 78 peacocks and a goat he pretends to own. He also smells of cheese. Goat cheese. |
Il Dottore d'Amore
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We only know him from the swarm of scantily-clad women who follow him around. He is the man with no name, no face, no fingerprints, no past, no known associates, knows no fear, leaves no trace, has no address, no public image, no.....job other than being the Chief Eunuch of the Presidential Harem. |
Felicia
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Felicia follows the Padre
around wherever he goes. No-one's quite sure why. |
2:00pm
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Although it is unknown how Provechagrande and his cronies are intending to arrive in Cambridge, we think that one of their first destinations will be Jesus Green. The Padre seems to be under the impression that this area is hallowed ground and is making a pilgrimage there to act out scenes from his favourite film: Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter. |
2:40pm
Having spiritually refreshed himself, Provechagrande will visit the Council
of Missionary Scientologists, or CMS, the organisation that sent him to
Corquidicolandia all those years ago. He intends to address the Council at
2:40pm and hopes to be accorded their highest honour: a four-corner degree
from educated stupid university.
3:00pm
| Whether or not the spirit of L. Ron Hubbard sees fit to give him this accolade, Provechagrande has been tasked with visiting the University Sports Ground on Wilberforce Road. It is the personal wish of General Pelugoconsandalias Noxiano-Bigotegrande that senior political figures should test the water for how warmly Corquidicolandia's upcoming Olympic bid will be received. Whilst they're there, the Padre's men will also take the opportunity to spy on the readiness of various teams. The General wishes to be assured of a repeat victory in next year's upcoming 3-day Llama-Riding World Championships. |
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At the insistence of 'El Duque' the
delegation will make a brief stop-off at the Sidgwick Site. He is very keen to acquire some historical documents giving
him a 'legitimate' claim to various other aristocratic titles that are
lying dormant.
Having heard from other members of Los Alamos of Señorita Rosa-Maria Amapola's famous visit to Cambridge in 2005, 'El Duque' is also keen to investigate whether there are still any goats roaming around the area and whether they can be captured. Goats are very rare in Corquidicolandia and 'El Duque' is rather fond of them. |
4:00pm
Last year, Minister Wilkes Booth failed to properly replenish government
stockpiles of dihydrogen monoxide. This suited the Padre, who had always
believed in more gentle methods of pacification. He has heard that religion is
the opium of the people and, being a deeply religious man, he will visit the
Chemistry Department on Lensfield Road in order to
synthesise himself.
4:15pm
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Finally, Ricardo Gibón Gibón de
Provechagrande will complete the most critical part of his mission.
Corquidicolandia has now become a flourishing carrot republic. In order to
claim international legitimacy, General Pelugoconsandalias
Noxiano-Bigotegrande has given his regime a democratic facade. The Padre
cannot tolerate this as it means an end to his lifestyle of theological
studies, meditation, reflection and hunting peasants and so has decided to
defect.
He will be meeting Chinese agents at Reality Checkpoint on Parker's Piece and will hand over to them state secrets in exchange for safe passage to a promised land of milk and honey where the peasants and altar boys are plentiful. Fortunately, Corquidicolandia is a small country and so its secrets all conveniently fit into one small box that the Padre will be carrying. These documents are vital in exposing the corruption of Noxiano-Bigotegrande's regime and will be far more valuable in the hands of the British government than those of the Chinese. You must eliminate the Padre before he has the chance to hand them over. |
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