The Assassins' Guild: Michaelmas 2018 Game Awards


For various achievements and entertainments, the following awards are presented:

The Tombstone Award for Psychopathy:
Andrew Browne, for a total of 16 kills over the course of the game, making this his third consecutive term game with a double-figure kill count.
The Cugini Award for Psychofreshery:
Sheamol Obeda, for an exceptionally murdery 13 kills as a new player.
The Leek And Safe Award for Most Interesting Weaponry:
Luc Liedtke, for his soul-stealing flail.
Honourable Mention to Sean Gebbett, for his Infinity Gauntlet.
The Darwin Award for Death By Stupidity:
Joe Hough, for being told very clearly before the Incobash that he was going to be killed unless he gained competency, either ignoring or forgetting this, and consequently getting very stabbed.
Honourable Mention to Jack Harrison, for opening the door to "I'm playing a game and I'm supposed to meet you here", failing to try and kill this person, and letting his guard down in order to talk on the phone to his assailant's very confused accomplice.
The Harland Quinn Golden Quill for the Most Amusing Reports:
Emily Zhang, for The-Witch-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named's cheery reports, and and M's extensive reports which even linked in with other characters' universes.
Honourable Mention to Andrew Darby, for his insolent reports as Alder Skrilth, which resulted in a bounty being placed on his head for the duration of the game.
The Brutus Award for Best Betrayal:
Noemi Ammaturo, for making a no-kill agreement with Kush Banga prior to signups, trying to use him as bait, and then killing him before anyone else could.
Dishonourable Mention to Alex Allen, who got Andrew Darby as a target but did not at any point try to murderise him.
The Obfuscated Tutorial System Award for Silliest Pseudonym:
Emily Zhang, for the pseudonym "Sorry for the lack of a proper published report because I spent all the time writing the amusing factual report which I am not publishing but feel free to request it once the game is over because 1) it contains too much identifying information 2) it is sadly not themed".
The Zaphod Beeblebrox Award for Style:
Andrew Browne, for taking the pseudonym Roxas and then making a kill in full cosplay.
Honourable Mention to Valentin Foley, for making a Jareth-style jewel-encrusted tailcoat and wearing it to the start-of-term socials.
The Lemming Award for the First To Die:
Gokulan Vethanayakam, who survived an entire 27 minutes of the game.
The Laurel And Hardy Award for Most Amusing Double Act:
Yuhang Xie and Sheamol Obeda, for the steady rivalry and uneasy peace between Lord Farquaard and the oft-promoted Marlo, featuring recruitment drives, tense standoffs, and - after the pair of them had been licit targets for one another for much of the game, and frequently threatened to end one another - a touching lament from Lord Farquaard when Marlo died at someone else's hand.
The Yellow Streak Award for Running Away:
Noemi Ammaturo, who stormed into Cheryl Jiang's unlocked room armed with a loaded and primed weapon, saw one of the people in the room run to the side, promptly ran back out of the room, held the door closed from the outside in fear that the target might be armed, and finally fled the scene entirely, leaving an accomplice behind as a distraction.
The Catherine Zentile Award for Least Innocent Innocent:
JJ the Betta Fish, who was single-handedly responsible for a double-kill on the very last day of the game, mere hours before the deadline, including the death of frontrunner and M.A. (and fish-owner) Alex Allen.
The Reversed Burden Of Johannes Award for Unintentionally Killing Innocents:
Yuhang Xie, for shooting Cheryl Jiang's non-playing friend several times before ascertaining her identity.
The 'Ginger Cake' Award for the 'Smoothest' Kill:
Dishonourable mention to Andrew Darby, for a spectacularly botched kill on Ciara Watkins in which he managed to drop three guns and his phone, while his police accomplice laughed himself silly.
The Robocop Award for Killing Wanted Criminals:
Dishonourable Mention to The Police, for managing to kill exactly one Wanted player between them over the course of the entire game, even when one player went Wanted on *three* *separate* *occasions*.
The David And Goliath Award for Best Giant-Killing Activity By A New Player:
Emily Zhang, for taking down Andrew Darby, PhD.
The Richard Gibson Award for Marksmanship:
Sam Sully, for comprehensively failing to hit a one-legged Rebecca Harris with a water balloon in the Duel.
The Three Hours Early Award for Paranoia:
Tom Carey, who really did leave for one lecture at least three hours early, and who even went to Stanstead for a while during Open Season.
Honourable Mentions to Sam Sully, who found many opportunities to be in computer laboratories as the game drew to a close; and of course to Andrew Darby, who was sending Paranoia Reports to the Umpire throughout the game, who even by the second day of the game was hiding behind potted plants outside his lectures on the off-chance that someone was after him, and who once again mistook his own reflection for a devious foe.
The 'Do you have my fish?' Award for Excuse Least Likely To Get Someone To Open The Door:
Noemi Ammaturo, with "Can you open the door so I can kill you?", "Just open the door and shoot me because I want a better death than being thunderbolted", and "Are you an assassin?".
The Banker's Bonus Award for Profit:
Lin Bowker-Lonnecker, who was paid handsomely in cakes, brownies and other baked goods in return for researching Andrew Browne's targets.
The Maximus Decimus Meridius Award for Best Fight To The Death:
Tom Carey and Sam Sully, for finishing the Duel with a [nettle-stricken] flourish.
The "nice try" Award for a Valiant Effort:
Eugene Lee, for a well-planned and well-executed betrayal of Sean Gebbett, which failed because he tried to throw a fridge instead of dropping it, and got him revenge-killed several days later when he left his door unlocked.
Honourable Mention to Twm Stone, PhD, who emailed several other players before the game hyping himself up, and then getting a grand total of one kill, on the very first day of the game.
The Order Of The Black Coat Award for Application Of The Art Of Disguise:
Sam Sully, who dyed his hair bright pink during Open Season, enabling him to kill frontrunner Yuhang Xie.
The 'My Hero' Award for the Biggest Fanclub:
Sam Sully, who actually had a fanclub (complete with banners) turn up to the Duel.
Honourable Mentions to Sean Gebbett, for walking up to Leo Zlotnikov and confidently identifying him as "Andrew Browne, PhD", while Andrew Browne, M.A., was nowhere to be seen, and Andrew Darby, PhD, stood to one side and tried not to snicker; and to April Liu, for her many nominations of her allies for this award, complete with gushing paragraphs of justification.
The Couldn't Make It Up Award for Ironic Pseudonym Choice:
Andrew Darby, who took the moniker of the Patient Man, bragging about how he would outlast his enemies by waiting, living well, and avoiding conflict - and was promptly ambushed the next day.
The Cuba '62 Award for Narrowly Averted Disaster:
Tom Carey, who walked right past another Open Season player and the Umpire, sat in a cafe with friends, and failed to notice either of them. The situation was then exacerbated by the Umpire [mea culpa] unthinkingly pointing him out to the other player, who hadn't actually spotted him.
The Fake Simon Award for Psychological Warfare:
Sergio Hernan, who managed to get Andrew Darby, PhD, to lower his guard by repeatedly acting suspiciously around him but taking no aggressive action for several weeks, until Andrew assumed he was just being overly paranoid.
The Jeffery Archer Award for Prolific Writing:
Noemi Ammaturo, for extensive reports as Rumpelstiltskin and Red Riding Hood, with a total word count well over ten thousand.
The Love Bug Award for Unresolved Sexual Tension:
April Liu and Yuhang Xie, for an ambush in which Yuhang was clad in only his underwear.
The Watcher On The Walls Award for Dedicated Ambushing:
Alex Allen, for three and a half hours camping Andrew Browne's room before she finally got him.
The Three Weeks Early Award for Signing Up Early:
Andrew Browne, who actually did sign up three weeks early.
The Kit Jenkins Award for Most Foolish Pseudonym:
Neal Patel, who left that field on the form blank, and was therefore assigned Sir Tim the Forgetful-of-the-Necessity-of-the-Providing-of-the-Pseudonym.
Honourable mention to the dozen or so players who simply put their own name, nickname, or initials.
The Eh? Award for Weirdest Assassins' Related Happening:
The self-styled Grumpgoat the Elder, Mandarin of the Hazbins, a sixtysomething-year-old former research fellow at Emmanuel, whose crsid turned out to be very similar to that of an assassin who mistranscribed theirs upon signing up. (He proved very good-humoured upon receiving a hitlist from a strange society, remarking that it "cheered [him] up as spent morning in rod space tracking down terrible leak in roof!".)
Honourable Mention to Andrew Browne and Yuhang Xie, who already knew each other as friends, but didn't realise that they were also communicating with each other in-game (using fake names and burner email addresses) until they arranged to meet up, and discovered that it was each other they were looking for.
The Gentleman's Award for Reverse Profit:
Andrew Browne, for *so* many cake-based rewards, bribes, and bounties (including the promise of cake to be delivered to each of his victims).
The Red/Blue Colourblind Award for Teamkilling:
Romaric Masson, for trying to start the *opt-in* Police War by killing two non-participating players.
The Speedrun Award for Rapid Target Clearing:
Leo Zlotnikov and his incobash squad, getting a total of eight kills over the course of the bash.
The Peace In The Middle East Award for Fragile Alliances:
Rebecca Harris and Noemi Ammaturo, for their Duel alliance which lasted only until Noemi's gun jammed in the first minute.
The Pedants' Award for Attention To Detail:
Dishonourable Mention to Half the Cabal, for being completely unable to find the codeword and ultimately cheating by sharing it with each other after one of them read the entire ruleset aloud to find it.
The George R. R. Martin Award for Commitment To The Plot:
Honourable Mention to The entire Guild, for absolutely stellar participation in this game's theme, with many many excellent characters and storylines.
The Lawyers At Dawn Award for Disputing Everything:
Emily Zhang, for near-daily analyses of and enquiries about the rules, and for deciding, on the final day of the game, that the Umpire's ruling on her ally's death was incorrect and that this should be rectified by killing the Umpire.
The Bartholemew Schaf Awards for Information Gathering:
Andrew Browne, for compiling a dossier on the surviving Incompetent players post-Incobash in the space of an hour, prompting a deceased ally to remark that he was very glad not to be a target.
The Cain Award for Killing Family:
Awarded jointly to Rebecca Harris, Sam Sully and Sheamol Obeda, each of whom ruthlessly murdered a member of their college family (son, daughter, and father, respectively) when the opportunity arose.

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