The Assassins' Guild - May Week News

Damian Green, in the study with the candlestick reports:

I would like to issue a statement on behalf of our right honourable prime minister:

I have just chaired a meeting of the cabinet, where we agreed that the government should call a general election, to be held on 8 June. I want to explain the reasons for that decision, what will happen next and the choice facing the British people when you come to vote in this election. Last summer, after the country voted to leave the European Union, Britain needed certainty, stability and strong leadership, and since I became prime minister the government has delivered precisely that. Despite predictions of immediate financial and economic danger, since the referendum we have seen consumer confidence remain high, record numbers of jobs, and economic growth that has exceeded all expectations. We have also delivered on the mandate that we were handed by the referendum result. Britain is leaving the European Union and there can be no turning back.

And as we look to the future, the Government has the right plan for negotiating our new relationship with Europe. We want a deep and special partnership between a strong and successful European Union and a United Kingdom that is free to chart its own way in the world. That means we will regain control of our own money, our own laws and our own borders and we will be free to strike trade deals with old friends and new partners all around the world. This is the right approach, and it is in the national interest. But the other political parties oppose it.

At this moment of enormous national significance there should be unity here in Westminster, but instead there is division. The country is coming together, but Westminster is not. In recent weeks Labour has threatened to vote against the final agreement we reach with the European Union. The Liberal Democrats have said they want to grind the business of government to a standstill. The Scottish National Party say they will vote against the legislation that formally repeals Britain's membership of the European Union. And unelected members of the House of Lords have vowed to fight us every step of the way. Our opponents believe because the government's majority is so small, that our resolve will weaken and that they can force us to change course. They are wrong. They underestimate our determination to get the job done and I am not prepared to let them endanger the security of millions of working people across the country. Because what they are doing jeopardises the work we must do to prepare for Brexit at home and it weakens the government's negotiating position in Europe.

If we do not hold a general election now their political game-playing will continue, and the negotiations with the European Union will reach their most difficult stage in the run-up to the next scheduled election. Division in Westminster will risk our ability to make a success of Brexit and it will cause damaging uncertainty and instability to the country. So we need a general election and we need one now, because we have at this moment a one-off chance to get this done while the European Union agrees its negotiating position and before the detailed talks begin. I have only recently and reluctantly come to this conclusion. Since I became prime minister I have said that there should be no election until 2020, but now I have concluded that the only way to guarantee certainty and stability for the years ahead is to hold this election and seek your support for the decisions I must take.

And so tomorrow I will move a motion in the House of Commons calling for a general election to be held on 8 June. That motion, as set out by the Fixed-Term Parliaments Act, will require a two-thirds majority of the House of Commons. So I have a simple challenge to the opposition parties, you have criticised the government's vision for Brexit, you have challenged our objectives, you have threatened to block the legislation we put before Parliament. This is your moment to show you mean it, to show you are not opposing the government for the sake of it, to show that you do not treat politics as a game. Let us tomorrow vote for an election, let us put forward our plans for Brexit and our alternative programmes for government and then let the people decide. And the decision facing the country will be all about leadership. It will be a choice between strong and stable leadership in the national interest, with me as your prime minister, or weak and unstable coalition government, led by Jeremy Corbyn, propped up by the Liberal Democrats, who want to reopen the divisions of the referendum, and Nicola Sturgeon and the SNP.

Every vote for the Conservatives will make it harder for opposition politicians who want to stop me from getting the job done.

Every vote for the Conservatives will make me stronger when I negotiate for Britain with the prime ministers, presidents and chancellors of the European Union.

Every vote for the Conservatives means we can stick to our plan for a stronger Britain and take the right long-term decisions for a more secure future.

It was with reluctance that I decided the country needs this election, but it is with strong conviction that I say it is necessary to secure the strong and stable leadership the country needs to see us through Brexit and beyond. So, tomorrow, let the House of Commons vote for an election, let everybody put forward their proposals for Brexit and their programmes for government, and let us remove the risk of uncertainty and instability and continue to give the country the strong and stable leadership it demands.

Harry Sarson reports:

Ben Mortishire-Smith reports:

At the stroke of midnight, I triggered Article 50 on the Right Honourable David Davis. He was ready for my attack, but, possessing only a club which he had believed to be a sword, he lacked a strong mandate and in the end his weak negotiating position left him dead.

Theresa May Not reports:

Alex Allen reports:

We stood upon the mound at the strike of midnight, swords drawn, eyes fixed on the other in the darkness. He demanded satisfaction for my betrayal, a mistake made in a past life. I needed to prove myself, regain the trust of this man. What do I call him? A friend? An enemy? As the final bell chimed, he moved forward with no hint of remorse. The fight raged on for mere moments, each of us with everything to prove and nothing to lose. He lost his arm. I could win this. I got confident, pushing him back. Then it was over, our swords clashed together in identical motions and found their way into the chest of the other. We both fell. There would be no victor tonight.

Alexander (Alex) Hibbert reports:

Elephant, elephant,
Fast and strong and violent and intelligent, intelligent.
How could I miss you? I've got a 'sabre at my side,
And an vengeance to provide.

Oh, elephant, elephant,
I'm dead and in Hades, but that's irrelevant, irrelevant.
'Cause everyone is scared when they see me trotting by,
With a sword of such of great size.

Other kids ride bikes, that's true,
And assassins stalk them to their lectures,
But that won't do for me you understand (understand).
Other kids have Nerf guns, other kids have knives,
Other kids have water, other kids have lives.
But the weapon for me is something much more grand! (x2)

And relevant, and elegant...

And now I'm an elephant, elephant,
Stab me in the back? I'm in my element, element.
It's true and it's a fact that there is so much you can learn,
When trampled by a pachyderm.
Oh, elephant, elephant,
Death's not so bad, it's swell of it to give me my revenge.
Oh, elephant, elephant, I killed you in the end!

For reference.

Christian Scheulen reports:

Jeremy Hunt reports:

Bumped into Chris Scheulen this morning and stabbed him with my lightsabre. Unfortunately the NHS was underfunded and couldn't do anything to save him.

Harry Sarson reports:

Jeremy Hunt reports:

Harry came round for what he thought was a barbecue but what was actually his death. We also had a barbecue too.

Jeremy Hunt reports:

The BBQ was a bit of a blood bath. Coalition of chaos confirmed as cabinet kerfuffles continue.

Charlie Thorpe reports:

Vengeful Snake Charmer reports:

Alex Watson just discovered my favourite iteration of sod's law; spend more than 20 minutes in Cambridge and you are very likely to bump into the exact person you didn't want to see.

Alex Watson reports:

Matthew Kaye reports:

Harry Sarson reports:

Benjamin Edwards reports:

Charlie Thorpe reports:

Andrew, the Magnificent Friendly Assassin reports:

I saw it... I saw it with my own eyes. Well, they had rather glassy eyes... and seemed to be rather more 'female' than I remembered that particular being, well, being. Anyway, dearest umpire, a great spectacle has occurred tonight. A female jester did make an attempt on the accommodation of Andrew, the Magnificent Friendly Assassin... after managing to successfully fail at peering through his peephole, for it is designed to be difficult to look through, and then fail at phasing through the door head first (for it is actually solid, you numpty, why on Earth did you headbutt my door with no apparent reason?). The distraction, did, however, give me time to prepare my cannon, which I, the Great Andrew, the Magnificent Friendly Assassin, did very subtly, loading gunpowder and then myself into said cannon before lighting the fuse and having my glamorous assistant open my door just in time to remove my visitor with the most deadly of weapons; myself. (Note: This was a standard gun kill, nothing actually so fancy as a human cannonball). The assailant was quick, however and layed a blow on my arm, severing it. However, do not despair, my loyal followers, for I, Andrew, The Magnificent Friendly Assassin, have another spare arm for picnics and rainy days, which I will be utilising from now on. The show goes on! Huzzah!

Alex Allen reports:

Today an opportunity arose to visit an old friend. It had been too long and I was itching for mayhem. I knocked on his door, hoping to be greeted as an ally, I fear my fully loaded weapon gave away my intentions. Noises of terrified scrambling followed as he prepared. This was going to be good. I drew my sword, impatient to take another life. In my excitement and restlessness, I moved forwards in the hopes of overwhelming the poor soul inside but was met by solid wood (I'm sorry, okay? I just kind of lost my balance and whacked my head. It kinda hurt!). Dazed and confused, I stumbled back, clutching my head. He took his opportunity, pulling the door open and firing wildly into the corridor. I lunged forwards with a swing of my sword but my confusion was too much. I cut through his arm. It was too late, I was dead and he victorious.

Jeremy Hunt reports:

Matt Kaye and I had been expecting to run into each other - he was quicker on the draw, but his gun misfired, and hospitalised him, permanently.

Matthew Kaye reports:

Damian Green, in the study with the candlestick reports:

Ben Mortishire-Smith reports:

I was stabbed in the back by someone who I thought was a friend - won't make that mistake again

Pseudorandom reports:

Alexander (Alex) Hibbert reports:

Upon exiting the dining hall, I saw Daniel Chiverton conveniently entering the end of the corridor. I drew my lightsabre, swished it to full length and said 'DANIEL CHIVERTON!' He replied 'hello', and legged it straight backwards and into a cul-de-sac, rummaging in his bag. I went on my way, honour satisfied.

Daniel Chiverton reports:

It's good that Alex decided not to pursue me because not only did I accidentally run into a dead end. I realised upon getting into said dead end I had a gun but no bullets.

Katie Gibson reports:

Twitch reports:

My old friend returned! took me along with him on a night of joyous murder! Our attempts were foiled slightly by my companion's terrible sense of direction but we finally found ourselves at the target's home. At this moment fireworks erupt from the sky, a beautiful spectacle. It seems as though Katie thought so too. A crowd of people ran onto the street, our target amongst them. I hung back, trying to not bring attention to myself as they oooh'd and ahhhh'd. I heard her name amongst their chatter and walked forwards, hoping to be accepted as one of their own. The fireworks ended, we began to walk back inside. I seized my opportunity and asked the girl next to me where Katie was. She pointed, I shot and Katie died.

Andrew, the Magnificent Friendly Assassin reports:

On the way to Magdelene, I stopped off at Jesus College and made an attempt on Clement Chan... however, I was unable to get within his staircase due to a card locked door. Myself and Twitch went out to hunt down the assorted members of the Pembroke Mafia. We were successful in killing Katie Gibson when she and her friends came out to watch fireworks (which were pretty spectacular). However, neither of the other two assassins in that residence were in. We then went to Selwyn Gardens and got entry fairly quickly, but found that both Christian and Ben were absent from their rooms. Will was there, but my accomplice was unsuccessful in borrowing their shoes. After a brief conversation from the other side of a door, we left.

Saturday, 17 June

Alexander (Alex) Hibbert reports:

Alex Allen reports:

Another night, another challenge. I will prove myself the victor. We draw our swords, surrounded by silence and nothing on the dark path. He seems confident, too confident for my liking. I hang back, knowing his skills far surpass mine. He strikes, I deflect. Over and over we dance until I push forward, removing his arm. He curses and redoubles his efforts. I fear I am about to succumb. He swings, my hand is lost. In a desperate push forwards, I strike clumsily, the sword uncomfortable in my offhand. I feel the blow as I hit him, it seems we are both destined to die this night. Maybe one day a victor will be determined.

Paladin reports:

A calm day by the river. Not a boat in sight. Harry Sarson is looking for his sunglasses. He looks up to see the blinding righteous glory of The Paladin bearing down upon him, and feels a small twinge in his chest. He has been struck by divine power transferred through a holy knife which has now lodged in his chest. The light takes him.

Harry Sarson reports:

It reports:

Shrike and I locked eyes. We both knew what was going to go down. I made the first swoop, charging on her with my foam sword. She drew her pistol, but it 'jammed' in the college dining hall - lucky for me, as I would have been toast otherwise. "Damn, no projectile zone!" she cries out as I seal the deal with a blow to the arm.

Alex Allen reports:

On this fine day I decided to treat myself to a delicious brunch with friends. I innocently ate my sandwiches, hoping for a relaxing meal. Fate was not on my side. He entered the room and sat at the far table, facing me. We made eye contact, I smiled. Hoping this was a silent agreement of peace, I resumed my conversation. The second I looked away he leapt up, sword on hand. I stood, reaching into my pocket. I drew a gun. Wrong pocket. I sighed as he stabbed me.

Vengeful Snake Charmer reports:

Alexander (Alex) Hibbert reports:

Edwin Balani reports:

Juggler reports:

I was going down Botolph Lane when I saw Felix loitering. Even though he's out of bounds, but looked shifty enough for me to hide, and watch. Edwin appeared to meet him shortly after, and I wandered over.
It was the most bodgerific of bodges that I have ever bodged since Felix killed me in first term.
Ed was locking his bike, and had a gun in his backpack. I went for my revolver, thinking how reliable it normally is, and that I wouldn't need six shots because of how few options he had to escape. All six misfired. He ran, fumbling in his backpack as he went, and then drew his gun as I used my last shot. I turned to run back, but he dampened me before I could get away. Felix then waltzed up and said that I'd hit Edwin in the backpack with the second dart, which had apparently dribbled out with sufficient force. Neither of us were sure, but Felix seemed convinced, and had no reason to lie, so we took that as given.
The transition from being the most heavily armed player in recent history, to resorting to a gun that misfired every shot is not enjoyable... :/

Twm Stone reports:

"being the most heavily armed player in recent history"
yo hmu we should go wipe out a police force sometime <3
Twm 'so you think you're heavily armed' Stone

Jeremy Corbin reports:

#jezwecan

Christian Scheulen reports:

Katie Gibson reports:

Damian Green, in the study with the candlestick reports:

Due to the policy of austerity, cuts had to be made, the first being my right honourable colleague Katie Gibson.

Will Grace reports:

So, inevitably, I was austerity's next victim.

Jeremy Corbin reports:

An eye for an eye

Vengeful Snake Charmer reports:

Ben Mortishire-Smith reports:

Christian Scheulen reports:

Thaddeus Valentine reports:

There's nothing quite like a simple stabbing in the back of a freshly revived target. He had already proven himself untrustworthy and I was anxious to dispose of him. Distracted by drinking and chatter, he didn't realise what was happening until too late.

Harry Sarson reports:

Sunday, 18 June

David Agoston Farkas reports:

Amber Rudd reports:

Theresa May Not was busy and sent me to do her dirty work.

Valentin Foley reports:

A tragic betrayal! Pierrot lies bleeding, the murderer absconded

Vengeful Snake Charmer reports:

Justice Secretary David Liquidation reports:

Justice has been served, but this can only be the beginning.

Matthew Kaye reports:

James Roberts reports:

Amber Rudd reports:

Theresa May Not and I spied James Roberts with his family. After him having outrun us before twice in 24 hours, this time we waited until he passed through a door before legging it after him - he took a light sabre to the back as his family watched and laughed.

Charlie Thorpe reports:

Amber Rudd reports:

Charlie thought we were friends, but she Thorpe wrong

Dani Cugini reports:

The Gentleman reports:

I was approached by a vicious attacker wielding a trick sword. Fortunately I was able to overpower them with my water powers, although I came within an inch of death myself. I am pleased to report that Dani Cugini no longer poses a threat to our circus.
Kindest Regards,
The Gentleman

Justice Secretary David Liquidation reports:

Here I go, avenging my premature death.

Ben Mortishire-Smith reports:

Dear Ringmaster,
Having previously been prevented from entering the garden party (something about a 'lack' of a 'ticket), I called in some favours and one of these tickets somehow found itself in my possession. Although I was too late and Matt Kaye was already dead, I did succeed in ensuring David Farkas returned to the land of the dead, at the very moment he was resurrected. I approached my friend Chris, showing myself to be unarmed, but he saw fit to poke me with a knife as I stumbled away from him bearing down on me."

Matthew Kaye reports:

David Agoston Farkas reports:

Daniel Chiverton reports:

The Gentleman reports:

Dearest Ringmaster,
I once again encountered that scoundrel Chiverton. He clearly hadn't taken the hint I gave him in a previous life, so I dialled up the agression to make my point clear. The threat has now been eliminated.
TG

Katie Gibson reports:

Will Grace reports:

I was killed at 1645 by my right honourable colleague Katie Gibson in the name of tax reform- here ends this short government.

Christian Scheulen reports:

I shall rise again.

Krusty the Klown reports:

I was visiting Mr Mack's college for an unrelated rendez-vous with friends. As chance would have it, the late Mack was sitting right there with them! He was totally unaware of my assassin status, or that I was 'packing', so to speak. I said a suitably witty line before finishing him off with a double blow from my pistol.
Best wishes,
Krusty

Teddy Mack reports:

Death was delivered unto me swiftly.
Betrayed by an old friend. Edwin repaid our many months of friendships it two gaping bullet wounds to the torso.
This shall not be forgotten.

Daniel Chiverton reports:

The Gentleman reports:

Ringmaster,
I came to face Daniel Chiverton once again this evening. This time he seemed more prepared, and as I approached he drew a water weapon. I am not sure why, as he did not fire it before he again met his demise.
TG

[21:00] 1. Any Member State may decide to withdraw from the Union in accordance with its own constitutional requirements. 2. A Member State which decides to withdraw shall notify the European Council of its intention. In the light of the guidelines provided by the European Council, the Union shall negotiate and conclude an agreement with that State, setting out the arrangements for its withdrawal, taking account of the framework for its future relationship with the Union. That agreement shall be negotiated in accordance with Article 218(3) of the Treaty on the Functioning of the European Union. It shall be concluded on behalf of the Union by the Council, acting by a qualified majority, after obtaining the consent of the European Parliament. 3. The Treaties shall cease to apply to the State in question from the date of entry into force of the withdrawal agreement or, failing that, two years after the notification referred to in paragraph 2, unless the European Council, in agreement with the Member State concerned, unanimously decides to extend this period. 4. For the purposes of paragraphs 2 and 3, the member of the European Council or of the Council representing the withdrawing Member State shall not participate in the discussions of the European Council or Council or in decisions concerning it. A qualified majority shall be defined in accordance with Article 238(3)(b) of the Treaty on the Functioning of the European Union. 5. If a State which has withdrawn from the Union asks to rejoin, its request shall be subject to the procedure referred to in Article 49. kills Theresa May Not (Katie Gibson).

1. Any Member State may decide to withdraw from the Union in accordance with its own constitutional requirements. 2. A Member State which decides to withdraw shall notify the European Council of its intention. In the light of the guidelines provided by the European Council, the Union shall negotiate and conclude an agreement with that State, setting out the arrangements for its withdrawal, taking account of the framework for its future relationship with the Union. That agreement shall be negotiated in accordance with Article 218(3) of the Treaty on the Functioning of the European Union. It shall be concluded on behalf of the Union by the Council, acting by a qualified majority, after obtaining the consent of the European Parliament. 3. The Treaties shall cease to apply to the State in question from the date of entry into force of the withdrawal agreement or, failing that, two years after the notification referred to in paragraph 2, unless the European Council, in agreement with the Member State concerned, unanimously decides to extend this period. 4. For the purposes of paragraphs 2 and 3, the member of the European Council or of the Council representing the withdrawing Member State shall not participate in the discussions of the European Council or Council or in decisions concerning it. A qualified majority shall be defined in accordance with Article 238(3)(b) of the Treaty on the Functioning of the European Union. 5. If a State which has withdrawn from the Union asks to rejoin, its request shall be subject to the procedure referred to in Article 49. reports:

Revenge was swift and strong and stable, my right honourable colleague Katie Gibson was dispatched by Article 50 at 2100 this evening- I feel it necessary to add that no Ewoks were harmed in the process.

Katie Gibson reports:

David Cameron reports:

James Roberts reports:

David Cameron reports:

Found James after a concert. If music be the food of love, slay on.

Christian Scheulen reports:

Hold my remaining beer.

David Cameron reports:

RAMPAAAAAAAGE
marp
marp
marp

A friendly assassin called Andrew reports:

When someone makes the mistake of leaving their door propped open with a shoe when out, no matter how magnificent of friendly they may be, you have to take the opportunity. So I bunkered down in his room and waited for his return. He opened the door and fired, wildly missing me. My aim was true, and he died >w<

Andrew Darby reports:

[23:15] 1. Any Member State may decide to withdraw from the Union in accordance with its own constitutional requirements. 2. A Member State which decides to withdraw shall notify the European Council of its intention. In the light of the guidelines provided by the European Council, the Union shall negotiate and conclude an agreement with that State, setting out the arrangements for its withdrawal, taking account of the framework for its future relationship with the Union. That agreement shall be negotiated in accordance with Article 218(3) of the Treaty on the Functioning of the European Union. It shall be concluded on behalf of the Union by the Council, acting by a qualified majority, after obtaining the consent of the European Parliament. 3. The Treaties shall cease to apply to the State in question from the date of entry into force of the withdrawal agreement or, failing that, two years after the notification referred to in paragraph 2, unless the European Council, in agreement with the Member State concerned, unanimously decides to extend this period. 4. For the purposes of paragraphs 2 and 3, the member of the European Council or of the Council representing the withdrawing Member State shall not participate in the discussions of the European Council or Council or in decisions concerning it. A qualified majority shall be defined in accordance with Article 238(3)(b) of the Treaty on the Functioning of the European Union. 5. If a State which has withdrawn from the Union asks to rejoin, its request shall be subject to the procedure referred to in Article 49. kills Harry Sarson.

Harry Sarson reports:

My other right honourable colleague Mr Harry Sarson also had his political career cut short this evening at 2315- a short, sharp privatisation of the national rail network led to the end of his strong and stable leadership.

Monday, 19 June

[09:20] 1. Any Member State may decide to withdraw from the Union in accordance with its own constitutional requirements. 2. A Member State which decides to withdraw shall notify the European Council of its intention. In the light of the guidelines provided by the European Council, the Union shall negotiate and conclude an agreement with that State, setting out the arrangements for its withdrawal, taking account of the framework for its future relationship with the Union. That agreement shall be negotiated in accordance with Article 218(3) of the Treaty on the Functioning of the European Union. It shall be concluded on behalf of the Union by the Council, acting by a qualified majority, after obtaining the consent of the European Parliament. 3. The Treaties shall cease to apply to the State in question from the date of entry into force of the withdrawal agreement or, failing that, two years after the notification referred to in paragraph 2, unless the European Council, in agreement with the Member State concerned, unanimously decides to extend this period. 4. For the purposes of paragraphs 2 and 3, the member of the European Council or of the Council representing the withdrawing Member State shall not participate in the discussions of the European Council or Council or in decisions concerning it. A qualified majority shall be defined in accordance with Article 238(3)(b) of the Treaty on the Functioning of the European Union. 5. If a State which has withdrawn from the Union asks to rejoin, its request shall be subject to the procedure referred to in Article 49. kills James Roberts.

Killed James Roberts over breakfast in college today, more cutbacks had to be made.

James Roberts reports:

Daniel Chiverton reports:

Ben Mortishire-Smith reports:

Two Dans to add to my collection.

Christian Scheulen reports:

Somebody made a poor decision with far-ranging consequences.

Matthew Kaye reports:

Bear With Me reports:

My plan played out to perfection.
I simply knocked on his door, sword in hand. His call of, "Hello?" Met with only my cool silence. This was it. He was in.
I heard him get up and approach the door to see who was behind it, the fool.
As soon as he opened the door I slashed him across the chest, spilling his entrails across the floor.

It was at this moment David Farkas knew he had messed up.

David Agoston Farkas reports:

Alexander Hardwick reports:

Dani Cugini reports:

Dr Bees reports:

what's this? A pleasant birthday barbecue suffering from a sad lack of BEES? A large influx of BEES ought to solve that! Bzzzzz.

Harry Sarson reports:

[17:10] Justice Secretary David Liquidation kills 1. Any Member State may decide to withdraw from the Union in accordance with its own constitutional requirements. 2. A Member State which decides to withdraw shall notify the European Council of its intention. In the light of the guidelines provided by the European Council, the Union shall negotiate and conclude an agreement with that State, setting out the arrangements for its withdrawal, taking account of the framework for its future relationship with the Union. That agreement shall be negotiated in accordance with Article 218(3) of the Treaty on the Functioning of the European Union. It shall be concluded on behalf of the Union by the Council, acting by a qualified majority, after obtaining the consent of the European Parliament. 3. The Treaties shall cease to apply to the State in question from the date of entry into force of the withdrawal agreement or, failing that, two years after the notification referred to in paragraph 2, unless the European Council, in agreement with the Member State concerned, unanimously decides to extend this period. 4. For the purposes of paragraphs 2 and 3, the member of the European Council or of the Council representing the withdrawing Member State shall not participate in the discussions of the European Council or Council or in decisions concerning it. A qualified majority shall be defined in accordance with Article 238(3)(b) of the Treaty on the Functioning of the European Union. 5. If a State which has withdrawn from the Union asks to rejoin, its request shall be subject to the procedure referred to in Article 49. (Will Grace).

Christian Scheulen reports:

Joe Tomkinson reports:

I knew I shouldn't have specifically invited murderers to my circus.

Pierrot reports:

The Umpire is dead; long live the Umpire.

Tuesday, 20 June

Emmanuel Macron reports:

I had been expecting to run into Ben Mortishire-Smith, having threatened him with a knife at the event we were at but it being too public to stab him. As I left that morning, I instructed my friends to be on the lookout for him and saw him waiting, so I snuck around his field of vision and shot him on the head.

Ben Mortishire-Smith reports:

Dr Bees will buzz no more.

Emmanuel Macron reports:

Harry Sarson came for a game of rounders but soon experienced the full power of liberal, progressive political movements with a bullet to the back of the head

Harry Sarson reports:

Katie Gibson reports:

Krombopulos Michael reports:

I'm very discreet. I have no code of ethics. I will kill anyone, anywhere. Children, animals, old people, doesn't matter. I just love killing.

Krombopulos Michael reports:

Will Tilbrook reports:

Thaddeus Valentine reports:

A reputable source informed me Edwin would be leaving his room around 5:30 and so I positioned myself nearby. Rather than leave college, he joined a garden party right next to me. Amazed by my luck, as without my glasses I had been unable to see him, I tapped my victim on the shoulder and sunk a knife into him.

Edwin Balani reports:

David Davis reports:

Ben Mortishire-Smith reports:

Felix Menze reports:

On my way to Botolph Court, I accidentally tripped and fell with my knife first into Andrew Browne and Valentin Foley. I hope that if they look deep into their hearts (which are currently all over Trumpington Street), they will find a way to forgive me.

Valentin Foley reports:

Once again, Pierrot is tragically betrayed! Believing myself to be safe in the company of friends, I took nothing but a knife when I left my room. Sadly, this gesture was construed as a threatening act by one of our number, who tried and failed repeatedly to shoot me as I hid and took aim with my knife to defend myself, before being stabbed unexpectedly by a hitherto-peaceful bystander.

Andrew Browne reports:

Alex Allen reports:

I killed Christian Scheulen whilst out of bounds. I had been waiting by the club entrance for him to show. He was a tad late so I went in to ask if he was coming. Just at that moment, he walked in. In my frustration, I shot him anyway :P. My apologies, dearest umpire.

(Mild instance of wantedness - 2 bonus points for those killing Alex Allen for 24 hours following this event)

Felix Menze reports:

Some people never learn...

Valentin Foley reports:

Once again, Pierrot is betrayed. Once again, a knife to the back.

Andrew Browne reports:

Wednesday, 21 June

James Roberts reports:

Almazbek Atambayev reports:

Harry Sarson reports:

Ben Mortishire-Smith reports:

David Agoston Farkas reports:

Yasashina Asashin Andoru-chan reports:

I was walking down the road with all the trees after a society activity where I spotted a familiar face coming towards me. Dan James was unable to do anything before I stabbed my knife into his torso and he bled out, taking it quite well and making me very happy to have a kill :)

[20:15] Emmanuel Macron kills Will Tilbrook and Almazbek Atambayev (Ben Mortishire-Smith) and Justice Secretary David Liquidation (Christian Scheulen) and David Davis (Harry Sarson) and 1. Any Member State may decide to withdraw from the Union in accordance with its own constitutional requirements. 2. A Member State which decides to withdraw shall notify the European Council of its intention. In the light of the guidelines provided by the European Council, the Union shall negotiate and conclude an agreement with that State, setting out the arrangements for its withdrawal, taking account of the framework for its future relationship with the Union. That agreement shall be negotiated in accordance with Article 218(3) of the Treaty on the Functioning of the European Union. It shall be concluded on behalf of the Union by the Council, acting by a qualified majority, after obtaining the consent of the European Parliament. 3. The Treaties shall cease to apply to the State in question from the date of entry into force of the withdrawal agreement or, failing that, two years after the notification referred to in paragraph 2, unless the European Council, in agreement with the Member State concerned, unanimously decides to extend this period. 4. For the purposes of paragraphs 2 and 3, the member of the European Council or of the Council representing the withdrawing Member State shall not participate in the discussions of the European Council or Council or in decisions concerning it. A qualified majority shall be defined in accordance with Article 238(3)(b) of the Treaty on the Functioning of the European Union. 5. If a State which has withdrawn from the Union asks to rejoin, its request shall be subject to the procedure referred to in Article 49. (Will Grace) and Charlie Thorpe.

Christian Scheulen reports:

Charlie Thorpe reports:

Ben Mortishire-Smith reports:

Will Tilbrook reports:

Emmanuel Macron reports:

I see a group of assassins coming while in a May ball queue so duck behind my friends on the wall. I take a potshot and hit Will Tillbrook in the head, then manage to reload and hit Ben Mortishire-Smith in the head. Christian Scheulen was unarmed and simply accepted his execution. 5 minutes later me and Dávid Farkas go hunting for more and I also kill Harry Sarson, Will Grace and Charlie Thorpe with my pistol. Dávid tabs Dan James but finds him already dead.

Harry Sarson reports:

Matthew Kaye reports:

The Phantom of the Opera reports:

David Agoston Farkas reports:

The Phantom of the Opera reports:

Alexander (Alex) Hibbert reports:

The Phantom of the Opera reports:

Thursday, 22 June

[06:30] The Donald kills Will Tilbrook and David Davis (Harry Sarson) and 1. Any Member State may decide to withdraw from the Union in accordance with its own constitutional requirements. 2. A Member State which decides to withdraw shall notify the European Council of its intention. In the light of the guidelines provided by the European Council, the Union shall negotiate and conclude an agreement with that State, setting out the arrangements for its withdrawal, taking account of the framework for its future relationship with the Union. That agreement shall be negotiated in accordance with Article 218(3) of the Treaty on the Functioning of the European Union. It shall be concluded on behalf of the Union by the Council, acting by a qualified majority, after obtaining the consent of the European Parliament. 3. The Treaties shall cease to apply to the State in question from the date of entry into force of the withdrawal agreement or, failing that, two years after the notification referred to in paragraph 2, unless the European Council, in agreement with the Member State concerned, unanimously decides to extend this period. 4. For the purposes of paragraphs 2 and 3, the member of the European Council or of the Council representing the withdrawing Member State shall not participate in the discussions of the European Council or Council or in decisions concerning it. A qualified majority shall be defined in accordance with Article 238(3)(b) of the Treaty on the Functioning of the European Union. 5. If a State which has withdrawn from the Union asks to rejoin, its request shall be subject to the procedure referred to in Article 49. (Will Grace) and Justice Secretary David Liquidation (Christian Scheulen) and Charlie Thorpe and Theresa May Not (Katie Gibson).

Christian Scheulen reports:

Charlie Thorpe reports:

The Donald reports:

Found myself embarrassingly unarmed while queueing for Pembroke may ball, so I had to do something about that. I constructed a deadly weapon using materials found at the ball and no quarter was given to a group of assassins making their way home in the morning.

Will Tilbrook reports:

Katie Gibson reports:

Harry Sarson reports:

James Roberts reports:

Yasashina Asashin Andoru-chan reports:

Michael Warman reports:

Having emptied Andrew's gun, I challenged him to a duel. He agreed, but realised it was empty when he picked it up, so then backed out. Someone gave him water from a bottle, which I hadn't prepared for, only having brought my faulty revolver. I died after a short fight that involved lots of trigger pulling to no effect.

Mikaela Belcher reports:

Dani Cugini reports:

The Gentleman reports:

Ringmaster,
You are aware I imagine of those magician's tricks in which a number of cups are shown to all be empty, and then suddenly one of them contains a ball. Well, I think I must have picked up one of their jackets by mistake. This evening Valentin saw fit to turn against me in a probably unplanned ambush. A pursuit around the Fellows' Garden ensued, during which I repeatedly checked every pocket I could find in my jacket, all of which turned out to be empty. Eventually I gave up on finding my bullets, and resolved to use my sword instead. Valentin's dagger glanced off my hand and landed in the bush, and they soon died by my sword. Of course, now that they were no longer required, I could immediately find the bullets in one of my two jacket pockets. Curious.

Valentin Foley reports:

Pursuing someone better-armed is not a good idea.

Mikaela Belcher reports:

Andrew Browne reports:

Michael Warman reports:

4 hours and 2 minutes after dying to him, I killed Andrew Browne. We were sat at a barbecue, and both trying to subtly check the time every two minutes or so. I broke nerve first, and when Andrew made a particularly suspicious looking delve into a pocket, I snapped, and struck out with a sword. On checking if my gamble had paid off, I found that I was just under two minutes back into the land of the living.

Christian Scheulen reports:

Ben Mortishire-Smith reports:

Friday, 23 June

Christian Scheulen reports:

David Agoston Farkas reports:

Joe Tomkinson reports:

The Mayweek games happened on this day - Joe Tomkinson, Kim Ward, Alex Hibbert, Alex Allen, Andrew Browne, Michael Warman and (later) Twm Stone appeared on Queen's Backs for casual murdering and fighting.

We began with a free for all to warm up. Three of us watched as Alex Allen, Alex Hibbert and Michael Warman performed a form of mutual betrayal resulting in Michael's death to Allen. Allen then focused on Hibbert enough to not notice Joe running up behind.
An uneasy truce then formed with dart weapons against water weapons. Kim was converted into a turret via loss of legs; soon after, the turret was gunned down by Andrew in a water weapon betrayal. Hibbert hunted down Andrew after reloading, managing to snipe him off.
Joe and Hibbert then faced off, but soon ran out of ammo for their dart weapons. Joe reloaded from darts on the ground and pressed the attack, but then the chaser became the chasee as Hibbert pulled out a lightsabre. Hibbert was eventually gunned down after losing many limbs.

We then moved onto team games - firstly, two matches of Joe and the Alexes vs Andrew, Kim and Michael. In the first round, the Hyperfire sniping from Michael easily cleaned up the other team. The rematch did not go any better, even after evening the weapons. Twm arrived at this point on his crutch and we had a short casual game of shooting the cripple. Twm insists that he won this game.

After his arrival we had two more team games; first with Joe, Hibbert and Michael vs Andrew, Kim, Allen and Twm. The numbers advantage did not betray the result, with a win to the larger team. The final match was umpires vs non-umpires; Joe, Hibbert, Twm and Kim vs Michael, Allen and Andrew. This match was a very close one, coming down to tight quarters and good shooting, but the umpires did win in the end.

The games ended here, having been going for several hours. Scoring has been given with 5 times conker score for the Free for All and 20 points for members of the winning side in each team game, 5 points for the losing side. Thanks all for appearing!

Saturday, 24 June

Alex Watson reports:

The Gentleman reports:

The Phantom of the Opera reports:

[11:00] The Donald kills 1. Any Member State may decide to withdraw from the Union in accordance with its own constitutional requirements. 2. A Member State which decides to withdraw shall notify the European Council of its intention. In the light of the guidelines provided by the European Council, the Union shall negotiate and conclude an agreement with that State, setting out the arrangements for its withdrawal, taking account of the framework for its future relationship with the Union. That agreement shall be negotiated in accordance with Article 218(3) of the Treaty on the Functioning of the European Union. It shall be concluded on behalf of the Union by the Council, acting by a qualified majority, after obtaining the consent of the European Parliament. 3. The Treaties shall cease to apply to the State in question from the date of entry into force of the withdrawal agreement or, failing that, two years after the notification referred to in paragraph 2, unless the European Council, in agreement with the Member State concerned, unanimously decides to extend this period. 4. For the purposes of paragraphs 2 and 3, the member of the European Council or of the Council representing the withdrawing Member State shall not participate in the discussions of the European Council or Council or in decisions concerning it. A qualified majority shall be defined in accordance with Article 238(3)(b) of the Treaty on the Functioning of the European Union. 5. If a State which has withdrawn from the Union asks to rejoin, its request shall be subject to the procedure referred to in Article 49. (Will Grace) and Justice Secretary David Liquidation (Christian Scheulen).

Christian Scheulen reports:

Katie Gibson reports:

The Phantom of the Opera reports:

Harry Sarson reports:

[11:45] The Phantom of the Opera kills the corpse of 1. Any Member State may decide to withdraw from the Union in accordance with its own constitutional requirements. 2. A Member State which decides to withdraw shall notify the European Council of its intention. In the light of the guidelines provided by the European Council, the Union shall negotiate and conclude an agreement with that State, setting out the arrangements for its withdrawal, taking account of the framework for its future relationship with the Union. That agreement shall be negotiated in accordance with Article 218(3) of the Treaty on the Functioning of the European Union. It shall be concluded on behalf of the Union by the Council, acting by a qualified majority, after obtaining the consent of the European Parliament. 3. The Treaties shall cease to apply to the State in question from the date of entry into force of the withdrawal agreement or, failing that, two years after the notification referred to in paragraph 2, unless the European Council, in agreement with the Member State concerned, unanimously decides to extend this period. 4. For the purposes of paragraphs 2 and 3, the member of the European Council or of the Council representing the withdrawing Member State shall not participate in the discussions of the European Council or Council or in decisions concerning it. A qualified majority shall be defined in accordance with Article 238(3)(b) of the Treaty on the Functioning of the European Union. 5. If a State which has withdrawn from the Union asks to rejoin, its request shall be subject to the procedure referred to in Article 49. (Will Grace).

The Assassins' Guild - May Week News

Friday, 16 June

Saturday, 17 June

Sunday, 18 June

Monday, 19 June

Tuesday, 20 June

Wednesday, 21 June

Thursday, 22 June

Friday, 23 June

Saturday, 24 June