The Assassins' Guild

[14:00 PM] Lemony Snicket wishes you a Happy Murdering!

Thursday, 26 January

[23:04 PM] Bounties!

Sunday, 29 January

[07:24 AM] The Man with Glass Eyes goes hunting The Incredibly Docile Viper, but is murdered by snakebite and the avenging wrath of Kit Snicket.

[19:20 PM] Peterchilledwards2 falls at the hands of The Silent Killer

[19:25 PM] All's fair in love and war, as 2kg04I5 gets A Culinary Equivalent to Horseradish in a heartbreaking betrayal.

[22:24 PM] McManus-Winthrop Overpopulation Solutions Consultancy PLC stabs ??, bad luck: serioslyunforgunateebends got there first!

Monday, 30 January

[10:00 AM] Beans becomes toast at the hands of lo oculto

[10:24 AM] Beau del'Air kills Link, VFD's Youngest Poet kills Beau del'Air, and everyone learns that [REDACTED] is quite a dangerous place at lecturetime.

[13:05 PM] [Insert political joke here] - The Nevermore Tree kills The Donnie

[13:50 PM] Kim Warde bravely slays The Incredibly Dangerous Viper

[13:59 PM] Garrick Ollivander chokes on some pasta puttanesca

[18:00 PM] What is this; more treason? VFD's Youngest Poet gets pasta puttanesca with a knife - how poetic.

[20:38 PM] The Sagacious Slayer eats Peterchilledwards* for breakfast, Georgina Orwell for lunch, and culinary delights for dinner.

Tuesday, 31 January

[08:50 AM] Beep... beep... Bang... Quigley Quagmire shoots Benjiamin Christopher Arnold in the heart.

[10:54 AM] Pokemon Trainer Cambridge Blue makes clear her favourite choice of starter: Peterchilledwards3 falls while Ivan Lachrymose spectates the match.

[12:14 PM] More soul of wit: serioslyunforgunateebends gets 2kg04I5

[13:01 PM] Are knives integrable? The Nevermore Tree takes a stab at proving this to The Alchemist

[13:30 PM] The Shadow stabs Dewey Denouement, but the world is quiet in this library...

[15:36 PM] Count Olaf at last reveals themself! Erectile Reptile is brought down by their dastardly plots.

[15:58 PM] Some serioslyunforgunateebends go down, and The Quagmire Sapphires emerge victorious, while Her Majesty's Super Special Service receive an ominous note...

[18:20 PM] How tragically, tragically poetic. frog kills his [REDACTED], VFD's Youngest Poet

[19:31 PM] I said I wouldn't do this last term and then I did and then I made the same commitment again and am breaking it again., but at least I just killed Wasabi, so I've got that going for me I guess?

[19:50 PM] BEN drowned... declares allegiance to the fire-starting side of VFD; proceeds to murder The Gentleman, The Man With Glass Eyes and a Wooden Leg, Facilitator Ishmael and Sergeant Hartman.

[20:47 PM] Al Funcoot shoots Horizontal Flame, but in a church? Oh dear, someone's going Wanted.

Wednesday, 1 February

[00:52 AM] More corruption: Count Olaf fails to kill BEN drowned..., Kit Snicket goes the treasonous route, and Sergeant Hartman proceeds to try to murder Kit Snicket for the lulz.

[12:05 PM] Isadora Quagmire kills Stephano, and leaves a charming couplet.

[16:03 PM] McManus-Winthrop Overpopulation Solutions Consultancy PLC decides to close shop.

[21:33 PM] Al Funcoot is bitten by a Ssssnake

[21:36 PM] Kit Snicket murders The Incredulously Docile Viper again.

Thursday, 2 February

[07:47 AM] The Gentleman, with a knife, chats to I said I wouldn't do this last term and then I did and then I made the same commitment again and am breaking it again.

[09:09 AM] More poetry, as Twisted_Fate falls to Isadora Quagmire

[11:22 AM] Volunteer Feline Detective goes a-skulking for UVH, but no luck...

[18:50 PM] Rean Schwarzer, the Azure Awakener murders Jack Daniels

[18:58 PM] HoneyBadger69 goes hunting, but finds nothing...

[19:03 PM] Poetry, but no kills, for Mattathias

[20:57 PM] The Spyglass kills Leon Thotsky as This is What Happens when you Repeatedly Hit a Cucco with a Sword watches on.

Friday, 3 February

[10:52 AM] Caligula kills lo oculto

[13:54 PM] The Shadow gets Quigley Quagmire with a cold, iron knife.

[19:50 PM] Volunteer Feline Detective tries to investigate The Sagacious Slayer, but it all goes horribly wrong.

[20:33 PM] Her Majesty's Super Special Service searches for Athos in vain.

[20:35 PM] Horizontal Flame and get rekd double-kill!

Saturday, 4 February

[02:58 AM] Is that... someone being murdered by Cafe Salmonella?

[10:18 AM] The Gentleman kills Bookworm while Facilitator Fishmail looks on.

[10:36 AM] Mattathias gets L outside lectures.

[14:20 PM] Incobash!

[14:39 PM] Count Olaf goes on a rampage and (licitly) murders both incobash teams, including Miss Maheswaran, Fabled Flop and Alexander Homerton.

[16:40 PM] Vice Principal Nero and The Incredibly Deadly Viper get A Man with a Tattoo of an Eye on his Ankle with their trousers down.

Sunday, 5 February

[17:45 PM] Pokemon Trainer Cambridge Blue goes searching for Guzma, to no avail...

[18:34 PM] Mattathias steps on a frog.

[19:39 PM] The Incredibly Deadly Viper eats The Real Estate Agent at dinner.

Monday, 6 February

[10:52 AM] Beatrice Snicket backstabs her friend Peterchilledwards1

[14:09 PM] Kit Snicket kills Kim Warde... What an amusing misspelling?

[14:50 PM] Someone cowers in their room, hiding from The Quagmire Sapphires...

[18:00 PM] Battle of the animals! HoneyBadger69 comes out victorious over The Penguin of Death.

[18:42 PM] The Spyglass moodily destroys Atykhron, Destroyer of Moodle Sessions

Wednesday, 8 February

[10:09 AM] Count Olaf gets some UVH

[14:37 PM] Vice Principal Nero poetically stabs Kit Kat

[15:53 PM] Pokemon Trainer Cambridge Blue, Isadora Quagmire and Yandere Vocaloids' Senpai go a-hunting, but find not a soul...

[16:42 PM] The Incredibly Deadly Sniper proves to be incredibly deadly when sniping The Nevermore Tree

[17:23 PM] The Incredibly Deadly Sniper kills Caligula.

[17:33 PM] Not A Crazed Gunman does not shoot Dewey Denouement - nope, she stabs them.

[19:47 PM] The dastardly Count Olaf is brought to justice by someone who is Not A Crazed Gunman

[19:53 PM] The Man with Glass Eyes, a Wooden Leg, and a Strangely Shaped Gash Across his Chest hunts down The Incredibly Deadly Sniper

Thursday, 9 February

[08:49 AM] Rean Schwarzer, the Azure Awakener goes looking for a Lily, but doesn't find any nice plants around.

[14:55 PM] A Concerned Crow seems concerned with the demise of others...

[17:48 PM] Athos goes a-lurking...

[18:35 PM] More lurking...

[21:41 PM] Kit Snicket is killed by Guzma, but The Man With Glass Eyes, A Wooden Leg, a Strangely Shaped Gash Across his Chest, Three Iron Fingers and a Burn Scar on his Shoulder swiftly avenges her death.

Saturday, 11 February

[13:33 PM] The Incredulously Docile Viper slays The Sagacious Slayer with assistance from A Slightly Paler Kit Snicket

[14:02 PM] Mattathias has some lovely poetry to share.

Sunday, 12 February

[16:51 PM] Varsity was a thing!

Monday, 13 February

[10:04 AM] The Gentleman wears a Lily in his hat.

[11:07 AM] A Concerned Crow flies through The Shadow of the night.

Tuesday, 14 February

[13:06 PM] The Quagmire Sapphires sends Her Majesty's Super Special Service a Valentines poem.

Thursday, 16 February

[10:08 AM] Pokemon Trainer Cambridge Blue not-so-silently kills The Silent Killer.

[12:55 PM] Quigley Quagmire goes very, very Corrupt.

[16:21 PM] Dr Westmont incohunts in vain.

Friday, 17 February

[09:32 AM] Quigley Quagmire is brought to justice.

[10:17 AM] Not A Crazed Gunman guns down Ivan Lachrymose in a show of crazed brutality.

[11:24 AM] Arthur Poe looks for more guardians.

[12:18 PM] The Incredibly Deadly Viper goes a hunting, but finds no prey.

[17:08 PM] The Gentleman takes out The Quagmire Sapphires

[17:11 PM] The Lady is slightly scary. Just look at what she did to Athos

[19:17 PM] Mattathias muses poetically

Saturday, 18 February

[08:59 AM] Jaqen H'ghar's murderous tendencies know no bounds, as Pokemon Trainer Cambridge Blue (Andrew Browne) falls to her machine gun.

[19:21 PM] The Man with Glass Eyes, a Wooden Leg, and a Strangely Shaped Gash Across his Chest manages to take down Her Majesty's Super Special Service (Andrew Briggs)

Sunday, 19 February

[03:14 AM] [CENSORED] goes down while the Umpire is sleeping.

[21:24 PM] The Minigame begins!

Wednesday, 22 February

[21:30 PM] The Police War begins!

Thursday, 23 February

[14:44 PM] The Fleeting Shadow at the Corner of Your Eye as you Walk Home on a Moonless, Windless Night gets Extra-Strength Wasabi - first death of the Police War!

[20:51 PM] Ominous Cawing sends The Entire First Chapter of The Bad Beginning onto the path of redemption.

Friday, 24 February

[16:36 PM] Extra-Strength Wasabi spreads the fire to Jacques Snicket!

Saturday, 25 February

[14:31 PM] Whew! Judge Judy and Executioner gets The Entire First Chapter of The Bad Beginning, Ominous Cawing gets Judge Judy and Executioner, and then Special Orphan Running Exercises gets Ominous Cawing...

[20:24 PM] The Fleeting Shadow at the Corner of Your Eye as you Walk Home on a Moonless, Windless Night eats Extra-Strength Wasabi for breakfast.

Sunday, 26 February

[13:21 PM] The Gentleman and Not A Crazed Gunman murder HoneyBadger69

[17:32 PM] Mattathias didn't order pizza, but The Gentleman brought him some anyway.

[19:36 PM] A very close call.

Monday, 27 February

[20:42 PM] The Incredibly Deadly Viper isn't so deadly today...

[21:51 PM] The Lady and The Gentleman get Truck, Thunders

Saturday, 4 March

[19:16 PM] The Umpire forgot to enter a headline.

The Assassins' Guild - Headlines

Sunday, 22 January