The Assassins' Guild - Week 3 News
The Assassins' Guild - Week 3 NewsI killed Lukas Cincikas. I sneaked up behind him and put a knife to his torso, "fatally wounding" him.
I stabbed my target. His heart became dysfunctional and he died.
The plan was coming on quite nicely, wasn't it?
All these people, happily murdering one another and all he had to do was sit back and watch. Well, that was the reason he would give to any of the others in this city who asked... any of those from the capital.
They didn't need to know that he was looking, searching for a man capable of assassinating Snow and ending their death game all together.
Was this how the Gentleman had felt all those years ago? Being forced to watch what he endured through happen once again, power bestowed on him by that dark presence within that tower, power he had used for reasons that Gray still did not understand. What he did understand was that it was tiring... he could understand why the gentleman had fallen.
But he had also resolved not to do the same. He was not some nameless individual, he was Cornelius Gray, once an inventor of the Victorian era, he and Jiro Twitch, his first automation had survived the Gentleman's death game once. They'd then vowed to do better next time.
Well, that Gray was dead. Eventually, all men had to die. The spirit was willing, the flesh weak. So, he had done better... he had created new flesh for himself.
Hollow eyes of glass stared across Cambridge and a faint ticking noise emitted from Gray's left ear as his sense of balance recalibrated itself.
It had started here...
And not even Gray had the power to end it. Not yet. But he could continue to try and do better. He'd removed other villains from this timeline before Snow and now Snow was his most recent target. After all... killing people was one thing he was good at.
It was about time he upped the pace a bit. Eventually, somebody would figure out what he was up to and so he needed to make sure he had his man before that happened.
There were, of course, a few people he had high hopes for. Furston, Anastasia, Kanyi, Emile and what was left of the Gibbering man to name a few.
However, soon, that would get more interesting.
Gray turned to the reporter and flashed him his winning smile. Silvia wouldn't be bothering him again.
"Thankyou ever so much for your time, Constance. Now, we may as well get to business. I have another announcement to make, if you will."
"Of course, sir, Dr Gray."
"Mr... I never quite got around to getting a PhD, I'm afraid."
"Sorry sir."
"It's quite alright. Now, my announcement pertains to the recent level of violence that followed my announcement. I must say that it was rather... unforeseen."
The automation currently containing the thoughts, memories and personality of Cornelius Gray did not even twitch at that lie. That defect had been removed generations ago and now only existed in those automations that found themselves getting sentimental.
"Sir. Are you here to condemn the actions of those killing others for the cure? Would you like to announce that the Twitch force will hunt them down?"
"My my my... Constance... how long have you been working for me now?"
"S... seven years sir."
"That's a long time... I thank you for your loyalty to my company for all those years, Constance. Now, may I continue?"
The reporter gulped and nodded. One of these days, the reporters would get around to properly briefing their new recruits on what exactly happened to people who tried to lead Cornelius Gray or make him look bad to the public.
He was trying to do better. But, this man's job was a small price to pay in order to keep the power that he had, power that he was using behind the scenes to try and remove from society those who would harm it. He had to be ruthless on the surface to keep that power though. Maybe he'd make an example of this man so that others wouldn't make the same mistake.
Then again, maybe it wouldn't get around. Apparently what had happened to Silvia hadn't make this fool stop to think.
"My announcement is really quite simple. I would like to... attempt to control this flow of violence in some way. As of yet, people have eliminated only those that my company has connected them with, well, for the most part anyway... and some have done nothing at all. It occurred to me that those who have the greatest will to live should be the ones who gain access to this cure. After all, those who do not get it administered to them are dead anyway within a few months. So, can it truly be considered such a terrible thing, murdering somebody with only such a short time to live regardless? All that they are truly doing via this killing is demonstrating their will to live... and those who have not demonstrated it yet... well..."
He paused and flashed the camera a knowing look that held just enough malice to make the people of the Capital believe that he was only doing this for his own sadistic reasons.
"I believe they require more encouragement. As of now, the Twitch force and anyone else who so wishes will now be set upon them. If they truly wish to live, they will demonstrate that will and survive through this, I am sure." After all, he had done just that once.
"That... that's preposterous! Insane! You are condoning murder."
"Very well, Constance... let me put it this way... do you have the power to stop me?"
"Well, no, of course I–"
"Does anybody in the world, nay, the galaxy expect president Snow actually have the power to stop me?"
"I suppose not, but–"
"Then, this is what I am doing. If anybody would like to object to that, they are welcome to try and stop me from doing this. But, since there is literally nobody who can, I–"
It was at that moment that Constance lost it and leapt across the room, hands reaching for Gray's throat. Gray could have shot him at any point during the half second it took him to close the distance, but let him get close. The people of the world needed to see this.
Constance's hands closed around Cornelius' neck.
"I stop you... here and now, this madness that you have brought to this city ends."
"Constance..."
The reporter nearly fell off Gray in surprise when they realised that he could still talk.
"You are clearly new to this, so allow me to educate you. When performing an assassination, some basic research on your target it somewhat required. For instance, it might have been worth you knowing that 2 years ago, my windpipe was damaged in an injury. It was decided to simply remove it entirely and introduce an air filtering system over my entire body."
With that, Gray, reached up and patted the man's head, almost as if he was affectionately stroking a pet moments before he put them down.
One swift movement from Cornelius, a flash, a loud crack and then blood covered the carpet.
"Do not stop filming."
Gray pushed the corpse off himself and casually wiped some of the blood from his face, which did nothing to help since his hand was covered in even more blood than his head had been a moment ago.
"All people who see this, understand one thing right now. This world is not governed on morality or laws. It is governed on what people are capable of. I am capable of doing this and nobody among you is capable of stopping me... so, if you believe that to be an error in judgement on my part, come, prove it. Follow in the footsteps of this brave man here, if you wish."
Gray bent down to the corpse and hefted it over one shoulder, the camera still following his movements, automated to do so. He picked his way over to the full length window that comprised the wall of the building the interview had been taken place in and, with his free hand, shot out the glass, then tossed the corpse out of the building. It would be almost a minute before they hit the ground below and there wouldn't be much left of them when they did. Overpopulation meant that designing high rise buildings had become something of a necessity, even with many resources now being produced off world.
"Now, if you will all excuse me, I have to go join my force. After all, as you have seen, I have no issue with dirtying my own hands. I wonder if any I meet today will find that they have a greater will to live than this man here... Constance, I believe his name was."
At that point, there was a sickening noise, somewhere between a thud, a slap and a squelch from behind Gray.
"I no longer think that name befits him."
The transmission cut off.
Gray had been clear. "I've put a lot of effort in returning you into the circuit. A lot of strings were pulled. What's worse, Snow will follow your every move to prove your links to me. For this reason, you're going to join up with one of his police squads during the First Purge, so that you might convince the chief of Police that you're another loyal citizen."
Breadperson gave Gray a stern look. "That's the yeast I can do".
Gray sighed. He'd insisted that the tech team get rid of Breadperson's annoying habit of making puns, but they had assured him that no matter how much they changed his genetical coding or modified his synaptic transitions, no matter what sort of brain implant they inserted, he kept on going with his half-baked wordplay.
Breadperson himself felt change within him. Ever since his reanimation, his thoughts had been clearer, he found himself feeling things which he had never beforehand experienced - disdain for Cornelius Gray, for one, was a feeling he was surprised by. He didn't realise Gray Corporation's brain implants no longer suppressed such emotions.
In any case, he was glad to be back in service. He knew that his targets should baguette ready to die.
Today's the day.
I'm not proud of what is about to happen. I love my city, my people. Everything I do is in hope of creating a brighter future. I have sacrificed so much to stand in that room, hold the power, control this world
Control. That's where it all went wrong. Gray, a trusted ally, a true genius. His work revolutionised our police force, I issued so many of his weapons and decreed so many of his laws. It was all in the name of safety and control, I thought I was doing what was best for my city. Business men such as him should never be trusted. Soon, he took over. Education, food, research, his tendrils reached into every part of my citizen's lives and slowly he began to control them. I noticed too late, once he was so powerful no one dared oppose him.
I've tried to remove him, of course. I've succeeded! My assassins have returned with proof of his death yet he always reappears, alive and unscathed. I suspect he's carrying out experiments on himself too. I am opposed by a man who cannot be killed, one able to reanimate the dead and brainwash my citizens. Sometimes I wonder why I still fight…
There are those still loyal to me; those in the police force that have not succumbed to Gray's experiments. They inform me of panic in the city, the spreading of a sickness and the inaccessible cure. Gray must be behind it all, I need to stop it. I need to eradicate the sickness, mental and physical. Many good people are turning to murder at Gray's request, many more support his cause wholeheartedly.
Today, a small force of my police will lead a raid through the city. They are to eliminate any individual known to work for Gray. No one will notice amongst the chaos and death that has consumed the city, and I will be one step closer to taking back control.
I feel I must apologise to my citizens, though I know they will never see this. I never wanted it to come to this but this man has to be stopped. I am no longer a force to fear or respect. I hide, in this safehouse, hoping each day isn't my last. I know I will die soon, to sickness or at the hand of Gray's assassins. I just hope I can take that monster down with me.
We would like to remind all Citizens that the contribution targets issued by the State exist for the benefit of all members of our society, and have been precisely calculated to ensure maximum productivity and prosperity. Persistent failure to meet these targets harms the productivity and prosperity of the State and all Citizens therein; to wilfully neglect one's duty to society, knowing the importance of each individual's contribution, may be held tantamount to treason. It is for this reason that those who have fallen behind on their contribution targets face revocation of Good Citizen status – we as a society cannot afford to support the dead weight of idlers, if we wish to prosper and grow.
As Chief Enforcer of the Law, it is my honour and my solemn duty to protect our society and keep it strong, and so I set out with a team of Police Units and Concerned Citizens to investigate a sector of the city that had been most notably beset with this apparent apathy for duty and hard work. However, our initial forays proved inconclusive – many residences in the area seemed to have been equipped with additional security members, designed to keep Police Units out as well as non-resident Citizens. We would like to remind all Citizens that those who obey the Force of the Law and who meet their contribution targets have nothing to fear from any Police Unit, and that measures taken to bar entry to members of the Force may be considered evidence of potential guilt.
Moving onwards, we discovered a situation where two individuals whose Good Citizen status had been recently revoked were living opposite one another in the same corridor. Either one of them could have proven their continued worth to our State by removing the other neglectful individual from our society, but if this had occurred to either of them, then they had for some reason failed to complete this simple task. It may be worth noting that more and more individuals on the fringes of our society are choosing to place loyalty in one another ahead of loyalty to the State – countermeasures may be necessary in the near future. We left a message to each individual reminding them of their duty to society, and then quit the premises.
Investigating further, we discovered that some Concerned Citizens had in fact been taking care of similar situations in other colleges, but that they had failed to notify the authorities of these contributions that they had made to the smooth running of our State. This is unaccountable; eliminating non-Good Citizens is a well-regarded contribution to society, and failing to report one's contributions may result in one's usefulness to our State being miscalculated. It would be a tragic loss to our society were hardworking Good Citizens to have their Good Citizen status revoked merely through their failing to report their contributions.
At one of our later points of investigation, we did indeed discover one of the individuals we sought. While we cannot condone their unproductivity, this individual did at least set an exemplary standard of faith and understanding in the superior judgement of the State, and did not presume to lock their door. They must have known – as all Good Citizens do – that the Force of the Law strikes only where necessary, and that to attempt to bar entry to Units of the Force would be to impede the growth of our society and the very course of justice itself. We can only hope that they can, in their dying moments, set some form of good example. If the Force of the Law should come calling for you, know that it is for the best. Do not try to bar entry. Do not try to fight. It is better this way.
Our final calling point of the day's sweep was inconclusive – another case of questionable and excessive security measures which kept us from getting close to our target. However, we will return in due course, if the Concerned Citizens of our society do not take care of the issue themselves. Duty must be done.
We would like to remind all Citizens that we, the Force of the Law, are here for your protection. We remove from society those dangerous individuals who would destabilise the whole, and we ensure that our bounteous state runs smoothly and efficiently. Those individuals who break the rules – or who do not meet their contribution targets towards the ever-forward motion of our society – must be removed, for the sake of all our futures. We hope that you understand. We hope that you bear this in mind. We hope that you remain our Good Citizens.
A factual report from one of the umpires (names of victims not redacted):
Kill 1: Emma–Kate Jones
I asked to borrow their shoes, they opened up, got stabbed by one member of my squad.
Unsuccessful attempt: [REDACTED]
No answer at door. Think they were out.
Kill 2: Cesca Lisle
We managed to catch the target going into their room. So many people fired at them that the sky darkened and there were bullets pretty much everywhere around them. No clue who got that kill.
Unsuccessful attempt: [REDACTED]
Knocked on door, no response, dark under his doorway, probably not in. I probably shouldn't have said 'now we leave and watch our backs, just in case' since everybody was watching their back too much to open the door to get us out.
Kill 3: Jerry Tam
Our member from [REDACTED college] contacted the target to ask them to let us in to kill one of the other incos. Not sure who got this kill, but somebody rushed forwards as they tried to retreat and got them.
Unsuccessful attempt: [REDACTED]
[REDACTED description of why his address was hard to find]. Again, there was no response.
Asked to leave: Caius. There was a memorial service going on for a recently deceased college member, the porters were like 'it's ok, if you want to come back in a few hours or another day, you'd be very welcome, but right now, we don't really want people walking around', which seemed more than reasonable.
1 hour too late: Elizabeth Guest
Everybody was out of their rooms when we got to this one. We tried not to say too loudly who we were while directly outside her room, but after a moment or two, it became apparent that one of the people we were speaking to was the target and she claimed to have already been killed.
Kill 4: Luca Righetti
Left his door unlocked with a message pinned to it saying he was out. We walked in, found him working, he got shot (I think by me, but there were other bullets flying).
Counter bash: [REDACTED]
Knocked on his door claiming to be with 'express nerf dart delivery services' with a delivery for him. He opened it a crack and threw something at me (not sure what, it might have been a dart since that was all that was on the ground). This killed me and I took out his arm. Nobody else reacted, so he closed his door again. On a side note, I am happy to see that the tradition of [REDACTED] counter bashing is going strong.
A botched attempt: [REDACTED]
My member with the sword attempted to talk them out. However, here is a dramatic recounting:
"Who is it?"
"It's me."
"Who's me?"
"I'm your neighbour, [REDACTED]."
"I don't have a neighbour called [REDACTED]."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm not going to open, you sound like an assassin."
Me: "We have cookies... we will give them to you if you open up."
Them: "Sorry, no."
Kill 5 (smooth as silk): Ollie Evans
So, we wait until somebody walks past to let us into the accommodation block. It's a guy in a football shirt. We walk past him as he goes into a gyp room and go up to the room and go through a very elaborate ruse of having found a student card (no answer). I then look up what the guy looks like on facebook, and lo and behold, the first picture is wearing that same football shirt. We then go back down and after standing around looking awkward, I eventually just go 'are you Ollie?'. He panics, gets shot by Furston LeDolier and then claims that he shouldn't be inco due to having made a kill that he did not report yesterday. As the umpire, I would like to point out that according to the rules, whatever is on the website is final unless we have a good reason otherwise. Failure to send in reports will mean that you do not become competent.
Unsuccessful attempt: [REDACTED]
Wasn't in. We disbanded soon afterwards.
14:00- A quiet expedition to Churchill with fellow enforcers Wanderer and Anastasia Chibulkova, as well as a living accomplice whose name I sincerely regret that I am unable to disclose. (I beg forgiveness from the Grey Corporation for this lapse in my observation of protocol. I assure the Corporation that I am loyal, but this name is one thing, one trivial thing, that I may not reveal.)
We made several attempts on the lives of the criminals within, but were unable to gain access to their hideouts. Only one was foolhardy enough to admit us. Chibulkova stabbed him with a bullet after my gun jammed, and he fell to the ground in a bloody heap.
At this point I retired from the operation, as Wanderer had before me. An enforcer's work is never done, and the others were capable enough on their own.
19:25- I received intelligence from Grey Corporation sources that known criminals had hidden in St. John's. Knowing that other members of my squad were engaged elsewhere, and burning with consternation at the thought of a delay to the swift hammer of Justice, I resolved to flush them out myself. Hoisting my trusty Jericho, I first visited Shyam Dhokia and knocked on the door to his lair. He did not appear surprised to see me, and uttered only the mildest of expletives as my gunshot pierced his abdomen. He bled to death at my feet. I took a moment to reflect on the futility of resistance to the Grey Corporation, then walked away.
19:35- My next target was Dan Lloyd-Davies, a notorious wanted criminal. I struck his door and commanded him to emerge, only to be met by an unfamiliar man. The intelligence was true- Lloyd-Davies was using an innocent as a human shield! This reprehensible act against a blameless citizen stirred my blood, and only deepened my resolve to see Justice done. Yet this was all for nought, as the man immediately gave up his associate, who had time only to cry out in shock before a shot from my Jericho silenced him forever.
I made several more attempts after this, but despite climbing over a spider-infested fence with which one target had deviously fortified his lair, and waiting outside another's for an hour, my efforts were fruitless, as the cowardly fugitives had fled elsewhere.
22:00- I returned the way I had come, and resolved to retire for the night after one final assault on Henry Aldridge. I was greeted by devastation. The door of the hideout was swinging on its hinges, and as I approached, a gust of wind blew it open, revealing the criminal's mangled corpse. It had not been a clean kill. But I had not come to critique the methods of others; I was there for one reason, and one reason only- to put a bullet in my target's heart. For the third time in as many hours, I emptied my Jericho and walked off into the night.
Package delivered [forcefully to the chest] at approximately 2:30pm.
[Apologies for the lack of wrapping.]
If you had any issues with your Royal Mail experience today, please contact our service department: assassins-umpire@srcf.ucam.org
Package delivered [after promises that I have a Lot of Free Time and Yes I Can Just Keep Standing Here, kindly suggestions that the best way to get rid of me was probably to shoot me, and finally Oreo-related bribery] at approximately 3:30pm.
[Package had unprecedented effect on recipient's state of aliveness.]
If you had any issues with your Royal Mail experience today, please contact our service department: assassins-umpire@srcf.ucam.org
I, the great and totally sane, Lord Geoffery have taken up residence atop the grand palace in the centre of Cambridge along with my waiting staff and the Dukes. Both myself and the Dukes are remnants of the forgotten kingdom that stood here before that dastardly scoundrel Cornelius took charge throwing his money and power around like a petulant child. He knows not how to act in a position of power! Does he not know that assassinations are meant to be done in secret rather than publicly televised? He even offers a cure for the plague; back in my day the lower class just up and died, no cure, that's just how it's meant to be.
Day 28/10
Today was a good day. Expecting a group of rogue assassins and police I instructed the gatekeepers to leave the doors to the castle open to allow them in. They made their way up to the top of my tower arriving at the door in pink leotards and tutus claiming to be my personal ballerinas. Little did they know my ballerinas only come on Thursdays. I immediately took action instructing Duke Edward to attack as he dove out the door burrowing into the chest of the main attacker like the devil he literally is. He managed to shoot off an arm in the process however so I was forced to retreat back into my room. Without their leader, the assassins were at a loss so I instructed my butler Andrew to escort them out of the building. Luckily for me, I have now acquired 2 more arms to replace the one I lost in the fight. Now it is just a matter of attaching them.
Hours were spent searching for the incompetents, those members of our organisation who had failed in their sacred duty, but my death squad in turn saw only failure. Despondent, I returned to my quarters, annoyed that we had not succeeded in purging even one. Minutes later, by coincidence, a man I thought I recognised strode into my path. A friend? No, he was not that familiar to me. A target? That was more likely, but I had to be sure. If he was who I thought, then he was a battle-hardened veteran with a reputation for brutal efficiency. I knew I mustn't waste the opportunity that had opened up. Following at a distance, I tracked him as he slipped through the gates to the fortress. "Are you Twm Stone?" He stiffened as those words dropped from my lips, and I knew that I had found him. I shot forward, a blur, and slipped a knife between his ribs. A shout escaped him, then he fell to the floor, dead.
Breadperson walked down the dank stairway. There, he found the corpse of the target which his squad has been pursuing. Yet, the corpse had not been marked by its killer. Quick on his feet, he lay down his calling card. It was a whisk worth taking.
"Ah, so you've taken down the incompetent, citizen." Said the chief of police when she came down the stairway.
"Yes. She's scone." Breadperson answered.
All was good to sustain the illusion that he was another dutiful citizen.
To hide the fact that he was one of Cornelius Gray's greatest creations.
Killers as good as he... They're not born.
They're bread.
[My greatest creation, hmm? Interesting. And here I thought Jiro Twitch had that honour. Well, I suppose that is only considering the technology I had to work with at the time. Breadperson does seem to be a less dysfunctional unit for the time being than Twitch was. I remain ever watchful - Cornelius Gray.]
[Umpire's note: Magpie told Monsieur Breadperson that they were dead when they arrived. However, no one claimed this kill and so I have given it to Monsieur Breadperson – Snow]
"Greetings all, it is your favourite fiend, Monsieur Breadperson, Jack of all trades and master of naan.
Participating in the Incobash, Monsieur Breadperson raided the room of the incompetent, shooting him down as he slept in his bed. A reminder to lock your doors, folks. A locked door is something you need in your loaf.
Sadly, I left my bag with a water bottle in the staircase by the front door, the bag itself being on the second or possibly third floor. One of my teammates told me "You focaccia bag, crumb back and get it", however the doors had closed and we couldn't find our way back in. An acceptable loss, however, for I am down a broken bag and up a licit kill."
I killed incompetent TheBSMouse today in his room with a nerf gun. However, in the process, I killed an innocent in Max's room. I suppose that I am now wanted.
I killed David Hasselhoff with a hand pistol to the head in the dining room, and also Spilt Milk in the same way.
[Umpire's note: Flip Flop Thief made these kills in a no projectile zone! As a member of my police force, they will be justly punished. Flip Flop Thief has been thrown from the force in disgrace and has gone corrupt. Thankfully, due to the technologies of Cornelius Gray, David Hasselhoff and Spilt Milk are unharmed - President Snow]
While still searching for her saboteur, Andromeda found lodgings in an out of the way planet and was eating a meal in a corner of the communal dining hall when she noticed someone at the other end of the table. She immediately recognised the woman as another member of her syndicate from the device embedded in her arm. But Andromeda knew the woman wasn't one of her superiors. The woman had arrived with in a group of indentured assassins two weeks previously. Someone so green wouldn't have been sent to such a far away planet so she must have been another run away. And that simply wouldn't do.
Andromeda let the run away leave the dining hall, there was no need to cause a scene and have to find a new place to stay. Andromeda followed the woman until she stopped to talk to a companion. The Andromeda took the brick of thruster waste she had stored in her bag and slammed hit into the other assassin's back. If the sheer force of the blow didn't kill her the radiation soon would.
It wouldn't be enough to restore Andromeda's good name on her home planet but it was a start.
Miguel smiled as he donned his latest disguise. He'd learnt a lesson or two about trickery since his last fiasco, and this one, this was going to be the one that put the name of Professor Incompetent down in history! This was the day Professor Incompetent would kill Gavrilo Princip
There was a Masquerade Ball of sorts happening in Miguel's hometown, where those who had enough money to think themselves above the likes of Gray's Raffle. Utter Scum. Frankly, thought the would be Professor, he'd be doing society a favour by killing just one of them...
Miguel paused on his slow journey to the underground bunker that housed the ball. From inside its containment, the S.T.A.B. he'd affectionately named 'Stitches' had smelt something. Miguel considered a moment, before deciding a small diversion to feed his faithful companion wouldn't go amiss...
It was over before it began. In his half-sleep induced haze K West barely noticed the barrel of Jaksoni's Hartnell Mk 1 Pistol until it discharged full force into his chest. The Professor happily left his pet-friend devour the still smoking corpse as he made his way to the party.
He wasn't sure what to expect when he entered the bunker, but it wasn't this. The entire premises was shrouded in artificial darkness. Clearly the rich took the anonymity of a Masquerade far beyond sanity. Jaksoni cursed leaving his prize sniffer S.T.A.B. behind with their meal.
Without Stitches, the entire endeavour was in vain; Miguel stalked the party for hours, even interrogating those he could make out as known associates of Gavrilo Princip, but to no avail. Dejected, Miguel found his way to a local stronghold of villainy, and began to discuss future plans with his colleagues there...
It may not have been today, but soon, Professor Incompetent would RISE!
At approximately 8:50pm on the 28th of October Pseudonymous Bosch and Falcon Jones, armed with GreyCorp° certified assault and automatic weaponry successfully completed termination missions on Lauren Turner and Charlie Worsley. Our first target, Lauren, was terminated in the GYP room on her floor en route to her room. Two rounds from Falcon's rifle annulled her instantly.
[Umpire's note: Lauren was already dead when they arrived so they shot the poor girl's corpse – Snow]
The second target was located close by, and opened the door unsuspecting that justice was at hand. A hail of bullets from Pseudonymous's weapon laminated him to his own wallpaper.
We recruited Carl Friedrich Gauss, and set off. Once we arrived, we were joined by LaTeX Forest while we were planning and using Facebook etc. for reasons that totally weren't nefarious, honest... We headed to the building all the targets lived in, and passed a man leaving (with a companion), whom I recognised as Sabrinasingh. I told the others, and we turned back; Leo caught up, confirmed his identity, and shot. The companion thought Neal's death was hilarious, until it came out that he was Shadow Kirito, and that we were therefore also gunning for him. He turned tail and legged it; as it transpired, that was his forte. Carl Friedrich Gauss and LaTeX Forest gave chase straight through the large Porter's Lodge. The Geiger Countess and I simultaneously decided to the 4 of us barrelling after him through the lodge would have been unwise, and stayed out of porter sight. They returned, unmolested by porters, and announced Shadow Kirito's escape.
We resumed the building clearance, and tipped up to Homo Economicus's room. Conveniently, a college party was apparently in the works, and people in costumes were milling around in the halls and each other's rooms. We passed two people a short way down the hall from the target who asked what we were doing. I did a particularly bad job of fobbing them off, but the consequences didn't have time to manifest, as LaTeX Forest knocked on Homo Economicus's door (requesting change to do laundry), who opened it only to be paper lasered twice by Carl Friedrich Gauss, who was to the side of the door. Brutally efficient though we were throughout the night, we had all the subtlety of a brick to the face. The hallway dwellers bounded over to laugh and ask questions, and other onlookers emerged from the other doors (which were packed together with industrial density). Homo Economicus asked questions, and proclaimed himself "blessed" to have been killed by a Trinitarian like Carl Friedrich Gauss.
[From this point, our rapid successes slightly blur into one another, and while what follows is my best recollection, some of the finer details and names might be jumbled, though who exactly is dead I say with absolute certainty. I apologise if I wrongly malign anyone by attributing the errors of others to them]
Time now being against us before our targets got wind of our approach, we moved to the next room, almost able to hear word spreading around us. Sue Do Nym was next. As we approached, another person was walking into her room; LaTeX Forest followed them in and shot Sue Do Nym before I was even close enough to see how it happened. She was startled at the abruptness of her death, said she wasn't even close to able to respond, and generally seemed more awed than upset.
Still drawing ever more attention, we moved to The Stallion's residence, a short distance away. A woman emerged from the door opposite him, too one look at the four of us shifty characters with bags, mused that we must be the assassins, and asked who we were here for, presumably unaware of The Stallion's involvement. Seeing little point in lying completely, I did the talking, with all of the composure that I lacked earlier, and told her with an easy grace that we'd already got the target and were making good our escape. She seemed satisfied with this, and retreating a short distance, just as Carl Friedrich Gauss knocked on The Stallion's door, who opened it without question to receive two shots from LaTeX Forest. The Stallion asked "are you guys the [REDACTED COLLEGE] people?", evidently the result of the impromptu game of Chinese whispers we'd started, and confirmation we'd made as much of an impression as I'd suspected.
We moved on to find Gerald was not at home (though I hear he has since met his end).
Finally, we headed for ComeGetMeBruv. Each of the doors in the building had a name of coloured card affixed to it; the name on the door we were given as Kayden's bore a card stating "Nancy", while a door diagonally across the hall read "Kayden". I took the absolute universality of the cards to mean that they were compulsory, the [REDACTED COLLEGE] alternative to the more formal name plates in use elsewhere. Little turned on this however; after brief uncertainty, we resolved to point guns at both doors, but breach the number we were given, regardless of the "Nancy" card on it. The Geiger Countess knocked, ComeGetMeBruv emerged, and LaTeX Forest promptly shot him. I asked about the cards, and he promptly displayed a general ignorance of the rules in near entirety. [Umpire's note: It is against the rules to swap the name above your room with another person's – President Snow] He was dead all the same though, and we made to retire, leaving a trail of destruction and death in our wake along with swirling rumours that probably by then had reached the point of saying there were 46 [REDACTED] fellows on the prowl, all dressed as lions and carrying shotguns.
As we left the building, and headed to the front gates, feeling generically smug, we came face to face with 2 individuals, one of whom turned out to be none other than Shadow Kirito, back from wherever he'd fled to, and carrying what looked to me in the dark like a metal baseball bat. The other might have been Patel, but I didn't get a look at him. They saw us approaching, and I heard Shadow Kirito asking incredulously "...what, all four of them...!?!", in response to which the second man repeatedly and with a urgency to be proud of yelled "man on", which was presumably some kind of code for "run like you stole something", because that's exactly what Shadow Kirito did *AGAIN*. He went to his 2 O'clock, off the path, skirting around us and the building we'd just emerged from, towards the far end of the college. Carl Friedrich Gauss gave chase, and LaTeX Forest took a few steps before deciding better of it. I wasted what was probably little more than a few seconds, but felt like hours dithering, before exclaiming "sod it!" and shooting off after him. I heard Shadow Kirito's companion say before I left earshot that we had no hope of catching him; at some point after my departure, he told The Geiger Countess and LaTeX Forest that Shadow Kirito was apparently an international athlete. Grand...
Anyway, as I crossed the first field I drew my gun from my carrier bag and discarded the rest. I kept my backpack, thinking the speed advantage from not having it would be lost in the time spent trying to fight it off my back. After about a minute of sprinting ([REDACTED] is far too large...), I overtook Carl Friedrich Gauss, who seemed to be running out of steam; distance was presumably not Shadow Kirito's race, as, despite his initial impressive speed, he too seemed to be flagging a shade quicker than me as I closed the lead he'd made during my initial indecision. We made it as far as the back gate of the college (car barriers, rather than a continuation of the fence, which was more than 6ft high) before he finally gave up trying to outrun me; he turned past a small projection of the last building in the college, breaking my line of sight, and went to ground. I didn't see him emerge from the far side of the building, so knew he was hiding.
Grateful of the chance to walk slowly at last, I stumbled into the largeish area between the building and the fence, just past the gate. Conscious that he still had his bat, I approached slowly, gun raised, thoroughly checking corners, loudly and repeatedly cocking my gun in the hope that would convince him to stay wherever he was hidden for long enough for backup to arrive. The building corners were clear, leaving just a cluster of man high bushes of long, thin, dense leaves, from which much rustling was ensuing. I skirted it slowly, but couldn't see anything. Carl Friedrich Gauss appeared, who had seen me chase Shadow Kirito there, and circled the other way around the building to cut him off, convincing me that he was in the bushes. I voiced this to Carl Friedrich Gauss, who concurred, and we returned our attention to them, talking up positions on either side of the undergrowth.
Shadow Kirito, who was indeed in the bushes, gave up trying to hide, and straightened up as much as the bushes would allow while still affording him cover, and hefted his weapon. The bushes proved most fortuitous for him, as the dense leaves were sufficient to stop darts without impeding sight. After a few failed attempts to shoot through, I dropped my backpack and drew a heavier weapon than my maverick. My stryfe proved inoperable however, as the large magazine for it was in the carrier bag that I had discarded earlier, and the only alternative being a 6 shot box of dubious quality containing darts of similarly dubious quality that would probably have jammed the gun immediately. I was thus left with my barricade, a semi-automatic 10 shot revolver, with which I piled several speculative shots into the bushes, all apparently to no avail. I lamented not having a water gun that I could have used to drench the whole bush with, the continuous fire not possible to snag on the leaves like darts.
Time finally on our side, I resolved to keep him cornered until LaTeX Forest and The Geiger Countess (who *did* have a water gun) arrived, assuming they were following on vaguely. Carl Friedrich Gauss had different ideas however, and charged in from the other side of the bush to me, armed only with his paper laser; it was an admirably brave, yet suicidal manoeuvre, the long, flimsy paper catching on the leaves, as Omar's bat (which turned out to be a lengthy cardboard tube that might have previously held wrapping paper) knocked them aside, striking Carl Friedrich Gauss's sword arm, and, following a short yet concerning conversion between the two as to what was necessary to kill, ultimately his head. The tube was labelled "sword", though the consequences remain the same whether it was actually a cosh or not. [Umpire's note: Cardboard tubes are categorised as coshes in the weapons rules and so this did not count as a kill – President Snow]
I held my ground, still hoping for reinforcements, for a while longer, before an involuntary look of bewilderment came across Carl Friedrich Gauss's (dead/unconscious) face, the cause of which became apparent a moment later; Shadow Kirito, presumably recovered back to his former athletic self, had emerged from Carl Friedrich Gauss's now unguarded side of the bush, and climbed straight over the tall fence. The gate was mere inches from my side of the bush, and I ran around as Shadow Kirito landed on the other side of the fence. I took several more shots, none of which seemed to hit. Giving me a wide berth, Shadow Kirito made for the barrier I wasn't by, and (I shit you not, fair reader) hurdled it as if it wasn't there. Declaring that needlessly audacious for me to replicate, I instead crashed through the sparse flower bed (sorry [COLLEGE]!) at the side of the road, and set off again back the way we'd come, largely speaking. I chased him back to almost where we started from, where he rounded the corner of the building we'd made the kills in, and escaped.
I'd hoped he would, in so doing, run headlong into (the sprightly and rested) The Geiger Countess and LaTeX Forest if they'd either returned to or remained where the chase had started. No such luck however; a few moments later, the two of them emerged from the field to my left, having expected him to circle his building when he first took off, and circled it the other way, to cut him off. As such, they hadn't seen where he went (hence no reinforcements during the bush incident), so had searched the bar of the college, on the off chance that he might have gone there. They were leaving the bar, and were close enough to see Shadow Kirito rounding his building in the distance as he got away from me.
If nothing else, I was smug I'd kept pace with a serious athlete...
Despite their apparently limited regard for our safety, going by their incredibly gung-ho attitudes and insistence on loudly talking about assassins frequently, I thought that both Carl Friedrich Gauss and LaTeX Forest proved themselves great assets to the police; I'd commend their bravery and determination in particular.
Following the day's work clearing out those individuals whose Good Citizen status had been recently revoked, it came to our attention that a large number of these individuals were all to be found in the same location, some way from the areas that had already been swept thus far. I was accompanied by several units, one of whom regularly monitored the area in question and was particularly well-positioned to assist in the clearing.
We encountered the first of our targets as they passed us by upon our entry to the main area of residence – Police Unit LaTeX Forest pursued and took down the individual. It then transpired that the individual's companion had also been recently relieved of Good Citizen status, and they rapidly fled the scene; pursuit was unsuccessful. We returned to the building in question and systematically made our way through the list of targets, eliminating a further four individuals over the course of half an hour. Many opened their doors immediately, not questioning the presence of the Force of the Law, as is good and proper.
Upon leaving the building, we encountered the individual who had escaped us earlier in the evening, now wielding what appeared to be a dubiously-forged melee weapon. As we opened fire, the individual in question immediately fled the scene. Police Units Carl Friedrich Gauss and Back From Retirement gave chase directly, whereas I and Police Unit LaTeX Forest circled around the other side of the main building with the intention of cutting the target off. However, the target had taken a different route not anticipated, and eventually made it back to a locked section of accommodation whilst we were sweeping the grounds elsewhere. Review of the footage from Police Units Carl Friedrich Gauss and Back From Retirement suggests that this individual performed several athletic and acrobatic feats not normally within the range of unaugmentedly human individuals. It is possible that some form of unauthorised cybernetic enhancement has been taking place in the area; further investigation may be required.
We would like to remind all Citizens that we, the Force of the Law, are here for your protection. We remove from society those dangerous individuals who would destabilise the whole, and we ensure that our bounteous state runs smoothly and efficiently. Those individuals who break the rules – or who do not meet their contribution targets towards the ever-forward motion of our society – must be removed, for the sake of all our futures. We hope that you understand. We hope that you bear this in mind. We hope that you remain our Good Citizens.
Gauss had been getting restless; It had been a long time, too long, since he had last gone on one of his nighttime wanders. He was starting to regret leaving his day job as a mathematician to become a vigilante. Recently there hadn't been too much to do; law and order was enforced by the iron fist of Gray Corp. Few citizen's dared to step over the line and those that did were dispatched quickly.
However tonight he received a message on his Gray Corp. approved media system and telecommunications device. A bunch of transgressors who had crossed the powers that be showed up on a public wanted list. Unfortunately for Gauss they all lived in the ex-industrial far outskirts of the city, a place that did not unusually come under his ambit. His restlessness got the better of him and Gauss decided that he would decide to pay the miscreants a visit anyways...
Before starting on his mission he met up with some other assassins. They were a differing bunch, some looked like they were on official business approved by Grey Corporation, some looked like hired mercenaries, others were in an even worse state than him. Gauss guessed they were unemployed vagrants looking to collect on the reward for wanted criminals. He wondered what the targets could have done to offend so many people at once.
Upon reaching the desolate outskirts the group didn't have to wait long for an opportunity. Two shifty looking individuals were quickly identified as targets. One of them was finished off quickly but the other one ran. Gauss gave chase but this one was just too fast and had melted into the night.
Most of the other targets all fell for a single trick. The group entered the residential district and knocked on the chamber doors of the unsuspecting lawbreakers asking for help. Perhaps it was something in their food that made them forget their precarious situation but none of them were armed when they responded and their existence was quickly put an end to. Gauss took out the first one with his laser sword (Yi Song) but then took a back seat for the other targets. The reward from just that one kill would be enough to tide him over for a few weeks and he didn't wish to make enemies by claiming all the reward for himself.
After a long night of general shooting and stabbing Gauss and the rest of the group were preparing to head back. On the way, they met their first target Shadow Kirito returning to his living chamber. However, as he had been alerted previously this time was carrying something that looked like a sword, but the night hid it well. At first there was some confusion over whether this was indeed the same target but as soon as that was cleared up Gauss and another member of the team began their pursuit.
Unfortunately, the target was indeed a fast runner and he evaded Gauss with ease. Undeterred Gauss kept following and eventually with his team member managed to contain the target behind a dwelling. They both circled around to the other side but the target was nowhere to be found. It was as if he had vanished into thin air...
Gauss was at the point of giving up but suddenly a rustling sound was heard. Upon further investigation, it turned out that the target had embedded themselves into a countable dense subset of space. The target was surrounded, however none of Gauss' weapons seemed to cut through the bush. Similarly, his assistant's bullets were being hindered by the denseness. Undeterred Gauss bravely stepped into the bush, his laser sword fully active, but was hit over the head and all went black...
Henry had been incompetent for a number of hours, and that was far too long for Brian Bay. With the help of an ion blaster from Noob-Noob, who, in his usual fashion, was just along for the ride, they arrived upon Henry's staircase. The doors to the staircase swept open at exactly the right moment for Brian to stride in without slowing down or clipping the doors. The deathly duo scoured the staircase to enlist an unwitting accomplice whose voice might socially engineer Henry's door lock open. This attempt having failed, Brian opted for his own words in the 'vocal crowbar' method. It worked, drawing Henry out of his room, and he was quickly dispatched with a 'Long Ion Ice Tea'. For fear of reprisal from the other staircase inhabitants, who may well have had Henry's back until now, Noob-Noob and Brian quickly departed the scene.
Aida, like Henry before her, was soon to experience the cool, refreshing taste of a Winst-ion blaster (tasting good like a blast of death should), operated by Brian Bay. Noob-Noob, for all his uselessness, was the unlikely hero in this master plan and could get him and Brian into Aida's sector, one of the most heavily guarded on the planet of Magdan-Teelane and open to only a handful of select club members. The sector was small and little resistance was encountered once inside -- in fact, one onlooker stood silently having already witnessed Brian's swift entrance and Noob-Noob's more, er, klutzy one. The observer's expectant expression was all-telling of how the other club members wanted her gone too. Needless to say, Brian kindly obliged and soon dispatched Aida, her last shrill cries resonating across the sector chamber as the ion blaster vaporised her into many pieces of ion vapour.
Bright and early, the Queenslayer was back and ready for a double–kill. Accompanied by Sarandei, they walked up the familiar steps and into the floor where she had already killed two men before.
Two doors, opposite each other and both the homes of her next victims: Fluffy Retribution and May, she watched Sarandei knock on the first door and wait patiently to no avail. After another knock, the door beside the two opened to the kitchen, and a girl with a ponytail smiled.
"Are you looking for me?" She asked, as her eyes narrowed at her door. The Queenslayer raised her eyebrows.
"We came for this room," the Queenslayer pointed to the opposite room, noting how the girl with the ponytail was staring protectively at the room before her. She acknowledged this girl must have been one of her targets: May.
"Ah, that's Fluffy Retribution's room," May laughed. "Good luck getting her out of bed." May moved away from the kitchen and walked into an open room down the hallway.
Sarandei watched carefully, "Shouldn't we get her now?" she whispered.
"Patience is key. We'll get her soon," the Queenslayer replied.
Sarandei nodded her head and knocked on Fluffy Retribution's door. Soon footsteps approached and the door slowly creaked open.
"Hi, you must be Fluffy Retribution?" the Queenslayer asked, smiling brightly.
"Yes," the girl replied, groggily, rubbing her eyes.
The Queenslayer pulled out her gun and shot her with it
"What?" Fluffy Retribution asked, still confused. "You did not just kill me! You can't!"
"Sorry," Sarandei said, shrugging her shoulders. "Rest in peace?" Before walking backwards away.
The Queenslayer nodded to Sarandei and the two walked quickly to the open door where they saw May's back.
"Hey, May!" Sarandei shouted out smirking. May turned around just to see the Queenslayer's gun pointed at
her face.
"Bang!"
The Queenslayer brought her gun down and sighed.
"Didn't they tell you we were coming?"
Someone called at my door while I was in my room, I went to check who it was, I opened my door, Got hit in the arm, then in the chest, resulting in my death.
Package delivered at approx. 3pm. [Technically two packages delivered; small, spherical, radioactive package to the arm, and then secondary package to the chest. An expert postman always has multiple packages. That sounds like an innuendo. It's not.]
Further delivery of baked goods at as-yet-unscheduled future date.
If you had any issues with your Royal Mail experience today, please contact our service department: assassins-umpire@srcf.ucam.org
[Two further deliveries attempted. [REDACTED], as it turns out, is no longer on my designated route, but having not been informed of this I went and asked him if he had a spare mug. It became apparent that I was the only mug in said situation. A further prospective recipient was not in, although their door was unlocked and they have an admirable decor.]
I am enjoying my productive and informative time spent on an internship with Royal Mail! My ability to work in a team, sharing and delegating work where necessary, is honed by frequent real-world experience, shadowing my mentor on her normal routes; furthermore, in dealing with the unusual and often lethal items handled by my mentor, I frequently have to use my initiative and learn how to navigate unfamiliar situations. The necessity of apologising to recipients concerning their imminent doom also improves my diplomatic skills, which are transferable to a wide variety of employment scenarios. My employers were so impressed by the quick development and astute initiative I demonstrated in the office that they allowed me full responsibility for a rewarding [CENSORED] following our return to [REDACTED].
A business associate of Albireo mentioned to him that a mid-ranking employee of the Gray Corporation was attempting to buy weapons through the black market. He was intrigued by this - surely no one within the Corporation could need protection, for the Corporation provided protection, unless they had enemies on the inside. However, this seemed like a good opportunity to get rid of the gun he had acquired from killing his last victim, and a way to gain leverage over Gray Corporation. Albireo quietly contacted his contact and asked her to arrange a meeting with this mysterious employee.
As the hour of the meeting drew nearer, Albireo began to have second thoughts about selling to an employee. "Would it not be better to rid the world of another of Gray's goons?", he pondered to himself. The seeds of doubt began to spread, and he decided to do in this servant. However, a single knife wound would be too suspicious, so Albireo plotted to make it look like an arms deal come robbery gone wrong.
The hour came. Albireo snuck into the meeting site via a side entrance to meet with his partner who was mediating. With his weapon safely tucked out of sight, Albireo made his way out to meet the mysterious buyer. The two parties greeted each other cordially, then Albireo suggested moving to the more secluded gardens the other side of the residences. Once in the quieter location, Albireo began carefully explaining the operation of the revolver, how to eject the cylinder, and that it does not fire until cocked. He cocked the gun. He turned the gun on his unsuspecting victim. The gun fired. The bullet flew fast, but not true. Maybe a gust of wind knocked it off course, or perhaps Gray's employee moved imperceptibly. Visibly shaken, the target muttered an expletive, and as Albireo cocked the gun again, took flight. He fired again, but a moving target was harder, and the bullet sailed off into the bushes. Albireo gave chase. His prey had the advantage now though, Albireo was unfit and already tired from earlier exertions. Whilst running, his aim was even worse, he fired two more shots, both missing. His opponent taunted him with a knife, and fuelled on by the anger growing, Albireo charged, close enough now to have only a low risk of missing. Click. The bullet did not fire. The confusion gave the employee chance to flee. As his target fled, Albireo fired two more shots, one fell pitifully short, the other flew cleanly over the targets rapidly vanishing head. He saw the figure pass into a stairwell, but by the time he had arrived there, they had disappeared into the labyrinthine corridors of the building. Albireo realised he was now potentially a dead man walking. He had to finish the job soon.
I contacted Saq Madiq, saying I would give him a nerf gun if he formed an alliance with Albireo. He met me and Albireo at [REDACTED] and Albireo pretended to demonstrate the gun and shot at Saq Madiq twice, missing both times. Albireo then ran away, Albireofired another 3 shotsunami all of which missed. As Saq Madiq had drawn a weapon, I threw a projectile at him from behind which also missed. Saq Madiq then ran into the library and was OoB.
[Umpire's note: The Umpire does not look kindly upon someone fleeing to an OoB zone to escape death. However, as of this update Saq Madiq is dead and so it all worked out in the end - Snow]
The fog covers his mind. It has been too long! Too long without a kill. Too long without blood too long without slaughter too long without...
Too long without relief.
Burning chemicals push him forward, foolishly. He sees two names and the letters etch themselves into his brain. Along with the faces and the details and the locations and the searing, screaming desire to end lives so he can rest.
He grabs two women. They will help him. He makes his point. Closing on the abode of the first victim his unwitting accomplices mutter an excuse. He doesn't even here. Weapon drawn, sickly elation slithering down his spine, he runs through the open door. Frantically he pumps shot after shot into the hapless target. Laughing, shaking blood rushing to his head. But something is wrong. There should be a reaction right now.
Abruptly the elation ends and the screaming in his skull begins anew. He has just shot a corpse. Someone got there first. Someone denied him his blissful relief. They will pay.
The approach to the second target is conducted in a delirious haze. They see the door. The excuse is made. The target does not budge. Weeping in frustration the empty man leaves still empty.
He thinks, as he turns his back, that he sees the still living face of the person he must butcher wave to him in a window. But his mind is too full of death and frustration to tell whether the image was real or imagined.
Soon. Someone must die by his hand. They must die soon.
Killed a corrupt Flip Flop Thief as he came to my room with a massive cross. Had to use my cello as a shield while I reached for my large Galactos Mk 4 blaster. I then proceeded to shoot him multiple times until one shot fatally pierced his chest. Order has been restored for now. I also shot an accomplice of his, but I then found out he wasn't accomplicing at the time.
Evil never works on an empty stomach. Or evil works by emptying stomachs... Certainly something about Stomachs.
Professor Incompetent stood over the corpse of Gavrilo Princip, slowly disappearing into the hungry maw of Stitches the S.T.A.B.. Blood still dripped off the ceremonial sword he had torn from the wall to do the deed. It didn't have the same impact as he hoped it would have had at the Masquerade, but watching the corpse's blood pool into its apple pie had a certain poetry to it. A certain delicious, delicious poetry...The Professor felt a grumble from his gut....
Maybe becoming a food based Supervillain was in order... Like a Baguetteperson or something... Of course, it was all just a matter of branding...
I unfortunately went corrupt after I killed someone whom I thought was accomplicing after I killed corrupt Flip Flop Thief, but he wasn't. Because I was corrupt and I found LaTeX Forest in hall, I had to get revenge for not finding him in the last raid, so I stabbed him. Blood splashed all over. I also stabbed the incompetents Spilt Milk and David Hasselhoff in hall, because Flip Flop Thief's kills on them were annulled as Flip Flop Thief shot him in hall, so I had to finish him off as well. I then went to eat cereal and reflect on my actions and the work that needed to be done.
I went to [REDACTED] College hall after a rumour that an incompetent assassin was about to consume food-like substance. Instead, I was met by a corrupt police officer Anastasia Chibulkova who I foolishly admitted being a police to. Before I had a chance to realise my mistake, I was stabbed in the chest.
During the incobash evening [REDACTED] raid, we chased one of the guys twice. He kept running away, bought some wrapping paper, which he claimed to be a sword but was actually a cosh. He tried to take one of members of the police out with it, but please see another email for the details.
The following morning, he met me and said that one of the bullets actually hit him and that he was dead. This raised my suspicion because he was still running away when he managed to hide in the [REDACTED] House from us. On the evening of the same day I met him again, and he admitted to lying previously. I warned him about the consequences of lying and he seemed very displeased with my decision to report it.
[Umpire's Note: Omar lied about being dead and claimed competence for killing a police (which has since been determined illicit) and so this event would make him wanted and incompetent. As this is being added on the evening of the 30th and he is already dead, he will not be going wanted :D]
When one is too busy gathering information for the highest bidder, it can be difficult to remember that one is also required to make kills. So whenever an opportunity arises in the heart of one's information network, one must seize them.
[A COLLEGE] had some prime candidates for assassination, so I went to visit them today. After speaking to one of my many contacts, I found out that Bonnie Prince Charlie's room was one I could get the attention of from the outside. I did so, and, not suspecting a thing, she came to allow me into her building. She believed me to be delivering information to one of her staircase–mates, but she was mistaken. As she turned to re–enter her room, I pierced her with a sword, and she fell.
The day of the incobash is gone, but it doesn't mean you incos can relax! This advice would've been useful for Gerald were it not for my trusted gun!
Albireo was nervous, yesterday's failed attempt had made him at risk of reprisals. Fortunately, he found the address of his would-be-victim. Planning to strike first, Albireo camped out outside this employee's door, waiting for them to leave for work. The time ticked slowly by, but no one left. Albireo carefully inched to the door and listened, no one was home. In frustration, Albireo left. He would try again outside the offices where the employee worked.
Albireo took the short walk to the offices, all the while checking over his shoulder for his enemy. He took shelter under some stairs, waiting for his target to appear. Their face appeared around the corner. Click. The gun was cocked. He waited until his victim had stepped closer. He lunged out at them, firing a shot. His hands shook too much, his shot went wide. He cocked the gun again, going for another shot. His adversary drew a blade. The two began to dance back and forth, both feinting to one side then the other. The gun went off several times, but every time it missed. Moving targets were much harder than Albireo had expected. Perhaps in fear of Albireo's more powerful weapon, although not his aim, the employee turned tail and fled.
They had to come back, Albireo was happy to wait. He bided his time, and reloaded his weapon. Within minutes, they were back. This time Albireo did not have the element of surprise, but still they squared off against each other. Albireo fired. The bullet whistled over his enemy's shoulder, ricocheting off a wall. Click. Bang. The gun was cocked and fired again, this time Albireo's aim was true. The bullet flew straight into the victim's chest. The job was finally done. Albireo walked off, leaving the body in the street for the Corporation to find.
Upon discovering someone living so close had gone incompetent I resolved to visit John Maynard Keynes. I did so, Raider rifle discretely secreted beneath my attractive Harris Tweed Jacket. Alack, again, the poor fish was not in the nest, and so I am yet to claim him. My own incompetence as an Assassin is fitting, given I am currently playing an incompetent assassin in Shot in The Dark all this week at the Corpus Playroom ;) , which should be of interest to those looking to nudge me of this mortal coil/and or have a giggle in the spirit of the guild! Given my current record in the game, someone making an attempt on me would be the first time I have definitely seen another assassin!
Just wanted to let you know that I have killed The Clockwork Orange at 11am as he was waiting outside lectures this morning.
Tick, tock, tick, tock, clank.
The supermarket, what a wonderful place it is. Here you can find anything your heart desires. Food, beverages, stationery, and ... murder?
It would appear so.
I was on an innocent shopping trip today when I spotted a familiar face from the incompetence list turning into the next aisle. I approached him and was right, this was Le Champignon. I called out to him "Hey, are you from [COLLEGE]?" as I had attended a birthday celebration there recently and recognised him. He turned round and we had a nice chat. Introductions were made, thus confirming his identity, and eventually we parted ways.
Or so he thought. The moment he turned round I slipped a knife into his back. Apparently, he was expecting this. Why didn't he do anything about it I wonder? I guess we'll never know...
After wandering around the unclearly labelled brick labyrinth, I finally tracked down my target. He opened the door unaware of what's to come: a bullet right to his chest!
I used a ruler labelled sword to slice him through the head, killing him instantaneously at his doorstep in [REDACTED COLLEGE].
He had a nerf gun but did not manage to shoot before his death.
I was visited by an unnamed assassin who during a conversation on my doorstep hit me over the head with a ruler.
[Umpire's note: Be careful with force, folks - Cornelius Gray.]
I was finally able to get Shadow Kirito, who survived for far too long by lying to the police. Though his life was worthless after such crime, I did take it anyway: the corpse and the pool of blood is somehow a lot more pleasant to see than the abstract sculpture a few metres from the murder scene.
Pooh Bear was sitting at home by himself one day when he realised Christopher Robin had left his coat behind.
"Maybe he'll need this coat", he thought to himself.
So he set out to Christopher Robin's dwelling.
As he neared the building where Christopher Robin lived, Pooh realised he couldn't remember which room was Christopher Robin's.
"What do I do now?" he asked himself.
Then he looked inside the coat, and found a note.
"Property of Christopher Robin, I9 [REDACTED]", the note said.
"So I shall go there," Pooh said.
He entered the building and clambered up the stairs one at a time (for being only a small bear, that was the fastest he could climb).
At last he reached a door marked "I9".
He knocked.
Noone answered.
He knocked again.
Still noone answered.
Pooh thought this was rather strange, as he had in fact spotted Christopher Robin through a window on the back of the building.
"Christopher Robin, I've got your coat!" he called out through the closed door.
Silence.
Then Pooh looked at the adjacent door.
"20", it said.
And Pooh looked back at the door he was standing in front of.
"19", it said.
"Oh, Bother", Pooh said.
"I've got the wrong door."
So he went back down all the stairs, and at the bottom he found Christopher Robin. Christopher Robin was a little surprised to see Winnie-the-Pooh here, but pleased that he had got his coat back.
And the occupant of room 19, had he known the fate that had so nearly befallen him, would have been very relieved. (For the wrong coat given to the wrong person could prove to be fatal.)
After the horrific experience of murdering my closest ally, Reginald, I was back in the game. I needed money. I heard the buzz of a credit chip, and looked down. They were paying me in advance now? but it wasn't my chip. Behind me, a drugged youth licked his lips with glee and wandered off in the direction of a sashimi restaurant...
I had to eliminate another target soon, or I would begin to starve. Being an assassin is tough, and those who keep going, survive. I decided to visit a familiar target: Stacey
Little did I know, my attempt would take an unfortunate turn..
As I arrived at [REDACTED] College, I got a problem. I had been recognized by a cohabitant of my target - his early warning system. Instantly he was informed of my presence via Gray Corporation Messenger and I knew I would have a difficult time to coax him from his room. I knocked on his door several times, and waited, but to no avail. He was a cautious target, and a worthy opponent. Note to self: be more sneaky on the next attempt.
The trek home was arduous, and I was forced to eat my Gray Corporation dual-purpose yellow ration pistol. The sweet taste of synthesized fruit spread through me as I slipped away, into the shadows...
Package delivered at approx. 10am. Home delivery originally tried, but recipient was absent.
[Recipient's locking mechanism was also absent. He has very nice chairs.]
If you had any issues with your Royal Mail experience today, please contact our service department: assassins-umpire@srcf.ucam.org
Helmholtz Watson left his place of work, slipping a soma into his mouth. He felt the exhilarating high and looked forward to consuming some well deserved leisure time. He made his way to his hellocopter. At this point a woman revealed themselves. Presumably some savage who was birthed naturally. [In this day and age? Surely not! -Cornelius Gray] . "By Ford!" I exclaimed. The savage took aim with a pistol. A near miss. She succeeded in shooting me after the second attempt. The soma numbed the pain as I slipped into the abyss.
I killed Josh Rose today with a fake nerf bullet to the chest. By fake I mean cheap Lidl rip off. He did ask me to kill him since he couldn't take the paranoia of hearing people waiting outside his room for him. I did also cosh him on the head on Saturday with my Inflatable Unicorn Basher since I wanted to look at his physics supervision work but didn't want to give the rest of the police an easy time and it was funny hearing about him getting increasingly more paranoid.
[Umpire's note: If you want to be removed from the game, please just let us know. You don't have to have another player kill you.]
In the early Saturday afternoon, the Churchill incobash team proceeded to Howard's lodgings, after a quick knock and a plea for him to return a "lost student card", the door slowly opened to reveal a not so dressed Oya Sumi peaking from behind his door. "One second" he said. At this point we believed he may be reaching for a weapon, but it turned out this was not the case, as he reopened the door having turned on the lights, but not any better dressed for the occasion. A quick discussion about the card allowed our squad time to try and fire a blaster, but to no avail. At this point Oya Sumi became aware that he just survived his first murder attempt. We had no time to lose, I quickly pulled out the jammed bullet from the blaster and launched it into his chest, rolled by a stab to finish off the longer–than–required career of this incompetent assassin.
May he rest in peace/or in his own pool of incompetence.
The squad then quickly retreated and reloaded, ready for the rest of the busy day.
Ana
I was relaxing, contemplating my own existence having merely exited the shower seconds before when I heard a knock at my door. Forgetful of the dangers of the outside world for a moment I called out for my guest to wait. I quickly donned some clothes and opened the door with a smile, only to be brutally shot in the chest by LaTeX Forest. Bugger. I fell to the ground in agony, writhing as I whispered through my last breaths: "What's your name? I'll send an email to the umpire later". Darkness overcame me then, as LaTeX Forest callously watched my die, his hands trembling from the adrenaline of the kill.
[Umpire's note: It seems that there was some confusion about who got the kill, but overall, it seems that the police managed it, which is the important thing.]
An armed officer was stood outside, and it wasn't difficult for me to see that they had come to kill me.
We exchanged fire and I managed to get a direct hit on my attacker's head, killing her instantly.
I got away as soon as I could, in case anyone else came to try to end my life.
I attempted to kill the wanted assassin Pink Panther today. I went to her room and acted innocently (we live in the same staircase) but she remained suspicious and refused to open her door. Later I returned to her door with a friend, hoping she would be tricked into exiting her room. She spied me through the peephole in her door, but eventually had no choice but to open her door in order to attend a lecture. She shot me with a nerf bullet but it only hit my bulletproof glasses. I proceeded to shoot Rebecca Harris in the side as she tried to shield herself with her door. She then left for a lecture and I shot her in the back for good measure. The world is now a safer place, with one less wanted player among us.
[Umpire's note: Glasses follow the same rules as clothing/bags/shields, you should act as if they don't impede your gun/knife. Therefore, Hides-From-View gets away unscathed.]
Spies and traitors are everywhere. It's difficult to know whom to trust. Rumours are that even some enforcers are turning their backs on the Grey Corporation, and shamelessly flouting their duty to protect the public from criminals.
This is our duty. We must not stray from it. We must not stray from it.
We must not.
My sources informed me that several of these criminals had taken root in [REDACTED] District, embedding themselves among the loyal citizenry like weeds. This flagrant violation of Grey Corporation law, and basic morality, could not stand. I uprooted one of these weeds with my Jericho at 18:30. He opened his door. I shot him in the chest before he could speak, and tracked wine-coloured stains down the hall.
I was enjoying a nice meal in [REDACTED] hall when I noticed Doc Emmett Brown from the corner of my eye. He was having a chat seemingly unaware of his own incompetence. A reminder soon followed in the form of a sword piercing his body.
Intelligence-gathering had allowed me to trace my next target's whereabouts to Clare. He had taken charge of a secret group of anarchist intellectuals (apparently they spent their time playing chess), and a meeting was scheduled for that night. Posing as a potential new recruit, I waited outside the meeting room until the target arrived, and pulled out my gun after confirming his identity. One shot was all it took. Resisting the urge to say 'checkmate', I left him in a crowd of onlookers.
Private note: they killed my friend. They shot him outside his room. I am not sad about this. He was dangerous. He was a criminal.
He was my friend.
Spreading Halloween cheer is a perfect excuse to both make friends, and kill a few people. So together with The Innocuous Postman who keeps bumping into people while carrying very sharp objects (re-employed) and Furston LeDolier, I ventured into some colleges armed with sweets and happy faces.
Our first encounter was with a group of girls in [REDACTED COLLEGE] who were very happy for sweets, and I got chatting with them. As their friend arrived and I complemented her Jigsaw costume, which somehow others weren't recognising, James Smith arrived from formal. By the time I approached him, The Innocuous Postman who keeps bumping into people while carrying very sharp objects (re-employed) had already murdered him.
We then made our way to the rest of the incos' rooms and no-one was in, but we met a very nice woman dressed in Cruella Deville fashion who was very happy to receive sweets.
We then made our way to another college with one inco in it, who was not it, but people who were in were very happy to receive sweets, and one vegan who happily took one to give to a friend.
Next stop, a college owned house nearby. Very few lights were on and no-one answered the doorbells, assuming they even worked.
Finally, we tried a hostel belonging to another college. We asked a man who was entering another accommodation site and he told us where it was. As we walked, I spied someone purposefully walking there, and seeing that The Innocuous Postman who keeps bumping into people while carrying very sharp objects (re-employed) and Furston LeDolier were distracted by looking at their phone and talking respectively, dashed for the closing door, just getting it before it shut. Unfortunately, we found no willing kills. One inco locked his door as soon as he heard us, the other was not in. Plenty more people had their day brightened up by chocolate. At this point we decided to call it a night. It hadn't been the most successful, but it certainly had been fun.
Happy Halloween! Postman took time off scheduled deliveries to instead deliver chocolates to suspecting/unsuspecting public. However, Postman saw a long-searched-for addressee en route and happened to have the package in their pocket.
Package delivered at approx. 9pm, along with requisite chocolates.
If you had any issues with your Royal Mail experience today, please contact our service department: assassins-umpire@srcf.ucam.org
I was sitting in my room, procrastinating preparation for my presentation tomorrow, when a pair of overly enthusiastic trick or treaters showed up at my door, promising to give me chocolate. Having not heard them ask my neighbours, and weary of such tricks I told them 'No Thanks' and loudly latched my door, sending two would be assassins on their way, disappointed and unfulfilled.
It had been a long day of trick or treating, but there was one college which still had a few incos left in its main site, and I decided that it would not be too far out of my way to go and try to kill them before bed. I had been attending an event at a nearby college and run on not much sleep at the best of times anyway.
When I entered the college bar, I spied a man who looked like Taras Kolomatski sitting on a sofa talking to someone, and also some friends of mine. I spoke to them briefly, thus mitigating any potential suspicion about my lurking there, and offered them some sweets to take on their way to bed. I then asked Taras and his friend if they would like some. Taras looked up at me, and I instantly recognised the face. So after giving him sweets, I turned round and stabbed him in the back.
What use is information if it is false!?
What joy is there in planning if you fail step 1!?
What point is being sane in an insane world!?
To all you who flaunt the regularity of a timetable. To all you who study thought over solid applications. To all you who think unpredictability will save you.
Beware.
I know where you live. I know what you do. I know the rule of three.
You will bow before the rigidity of time!
You will BOW before Order in the Chaos!
YOU WILL BOW BEFORE PROFESSOR INCOMPETENT (and his adorable sidekick Stitches)!!!!!
I must announce that after illustrious few days on the dark side, I was taken out at 11 this morning by The Geiger Countess, or so she thought. It turned out to have only been my darker half, and I am pleased to announce that as we speak, the loyal half is regaining strength and soon will return to the streets and seek incompetents.
Having been informed that one of our Police Units was exhibiting potentially dangerous malfunctions, I resolved to track them down and contain them before any serious damage could be done to our infrastructure or to the proper functioning of our society. I was able to locate the Unit easily. They initially refused to be apprehended, and ran through a crowded area in an attempt to evade decommission. They then collided with a stationary personal transporter, impeding their flight. I first ensured that the Unit had not sustained any severe damage, and then decommissioned the now-cooperative Unit. Cursory inspection suggests that certain behavioural protocols had been corrupted. It is not yet clear how this came to be – whether this merely resulted from the high levels of electromagnetic activity in the area, or whether there had been some more active form of interference. Reprogramming should suffice for the time being, but the behaviour of this Unit and those operating in similar environments may require further monitoring to ensure that the issue does not reoccur.
We would like to remind all Citizens that we, the Force of the Law, are here for your protection. We remove from society those dangerous individuals who would destabilise the whole, and we ensure that our bounteous State runs smoothly and efficiently. Those individuals who break the rules – or who do not meet their contribution targets towards the ever-forward motion of our society – must be removed, for the sake of all our futures. We hope that you understand. We hope that you bear this in mind. We hope that you remain our Good Citizens.
……………………………………………………………………………………….
I couldn't believe my luck when I saw The Shrike on the inco list. He was the one who stabbed me in the most unfortunate of circumstances, in the area labelled as one that would count as OoB, but actually isn't. And I was extremely thirsty for his blood.
My bullets reached him as he was walking out of a lecture at the exact same place my previous life had ended. I got the revenge I craved for weeks.
Daily report, 01 Nov 2017
Events:
Event no. 01112017001
Time: 13:00PM
Event: Initial stages of an anomaly similar to that of "The Shrike" type were observed in the antechamber of the main auditorium of the Grey Matter building (cf Scientific report no. 0733191). The anomaly promptly collapsed, subsequent analysis of gravitational traces suggests destructive interference caused by close proximity of twitch 18 "Verbatim Tart", unaugmented form of which (LaTeX Forest) was involved in the first observed event of this type.
Speculated cause: unknown
Action required: none
I am darkness. I am the hunger that lies in all men. I am the ra- GOD DAMNIT STITCHES, I'M TRYING TO DO A MONOLOGUE HERE.
Hmph. You want to do the monologue don't you... Go on then you little fluffball. Let me deal with the dirty work...
Gna-Gna-Gnaaaaaaaaawwww!
Gna-Gna-Gna Gnaaaaaaa! Gna gnaw.
Gna gna gnaaaawww Gnogenes gna Gynic!
Gna-gnom.
Come on you little minion of darkness. Dinnertime.
Today my hubris has been justly punished, for I died a double death. Firstly, I was shot in the back of the head walking down the stairs by Professor Incompetent. The second as I stepped out of the stage door, someone had taken me up on my cheeky offer and gunned me down in the alley. O', that the shame would vanish with my life, how happy then were my ensuing death!
I was queueing in a shop. And so was he. And it was the same shop! "What a nice opportunity" - I thought, and so I swiftly reached for my sword and stabbed Adrian. I knew he would be alive again soon and ready to commit new crimes, but I couldn't resist the temptation to make our world a better place at least for a few hours.
I had a few hours to kill so I went to [REDACTED] college to hunt down an inco hiding there. It didn't take me long to get into the staircase, and I had very high hopes when the door into his room opened. To my disappointment, the number of people inside was swiftly tending to 0 as I looked around. I waited for about 30 minutes with my gun pointing at the door before I had to leave.
Later in the evening I experienced a slight sense of deja vu as I climbed the staircase. Over the course of a few hours that had passed, Fat Flube didn't learn to lock his door. When I got in, he didn't have time to express any emotions or confusion before my bullets reached him in spite of the darkness.
Best wishes,
LaTeX Forest
The Stork Brigade struck out again this morning! But we were a little, uhm, less successful. We had identified two storks living in close proximity who needed rescuing, so decided to pay them both a visit at the same time. Unfortunately the place was crawling with Juvies, and while Mason Starkey is not above killing Juvies, there were too many of them for us to take on.
While loitering, we engaged them in some distastefully polite conversation about licensing and enforcement, to distract from our true position and intentions. Eventually, however, we were forced to retreat.
Do not fear, little storks. Though we could not rescue you today, the Stork Brigade will be back for you soon. Soon they shall learn what we are capable of. Soon they will fear our chaos. Soon they will fear us!
The bus drove past Alisa as she was on time, or so she thought. Knowing that their was an incompetent nearby, she decided to use this extra time productively.
She easily found her way to the target's abode and knocked on his door. But there was no response. She waited for a little amount of time but he did not emerge. It soon became time for her to catch the next bus.
Fol##win# the decommissi#n#ng and#reprogramm#ng of Police U#it Anastasia #hibulkova#ye#terday, I had ho##d t#at the protocol#c#rrupti#n would pr#ve to be a rar# anomaly, and#that acti#e #nd lawful servic##wou#d be immediatel# #esumed#upon recom#issioning. How#ver, this doe# not seem#to#have been the ca##, a#d I would recom#e#d stro#gly to my #uperiors that # thorough inv#stigation#be#conducted into a## po#ential security#i#sues w#th the For#e and the Twit#h programme, #n order t# p#event further in##den#s such as occur#e# today# We may we#l be facing a#deliberate and#malicious#at#empt to disrupt ##e o#der and good fu#c#ioning#of our Sta#e.
As my patro# area happene# to overl#p #ith that of Poli## Un#t Anastasia Chi#ulkova, # was unsur#rised to see t#em in my vici#ity as I #as#ed by. Having th##utm#st faith in the#technolog#cal capabi#ities of my su#eriors, I did#not for a #om#nt believe that ##ey #osed any danger#t# myself# or to the#civilian popul#tion – I did #ot presum# t# have any doubts##bou# the efficacity#o# the r#programmin# system. It is#regrettable t#at I did #ot at the time poss##s t#e information I#h#ve sin#e discover#d – that Polic# Unit Anastas#a Chibulk#va#had been re–corr##ted#upon release, a#d#thus w#s once mor# unbound by th# standard pro#ocols. No# h#ving this inform##ion# my evaluation #f#the se#urity leve# required by m# situation wa# consider#bl# lower than was ## ac#uality merited,#a#d I th#refore did#not detect the#immediate thr#at until #y #nit was seized f##m b#hind by Police #n#t Anas#asia Chibu#kova, and frog#marched out o# the buil#in# with what appea##d t# be a rusty kni#e#held t# my Unit's#throat. It is #t this junctu#e that I #ec#me aware of Poli## Un#t Anastasia Chi#u#kova's#newly–corr#pted state. I #as informed t#at the Un#t #pparently posses##d t#e intention to #emain co#rupted, wh#ch should have#been impossib#e on seve#al#levels given th##stan#ard preparation# #rogram#ing, and o#eration of Po#ice Units and#of subjec#s #f the Twitch pro##amm#. It is this th#t#leads #e to belie#e that Police #nit Anast#si# Chibulkova's re##nt #outs of counter#p#otocol#behaviour #re the first s#mptoms of a co#certed at#ac# upon our State ##kin# place, and not#m#rely s#gns of a d#maged Unit wor#ing in electr#magnetica#ly#taxing condition## Ag#in, I most stre#uously r#commend t#at a thorough #nd profound i#vestigati#n #e conducted into##his#issue, before w#o#ver th#eatens us #s able to take#hold at a dee#er level.#Le# no individual b##abo#e suspicion; we#m#st act#in the int#rest of our so#iety as a who#e. I woul# a#so recommend tha##Pol#ce Unit Anastas#a#Chibul#ova be app#ehended and de#ommissioned o#ce more a# t#e earliest oppor##nit#, and that the #a#ure of#the protoc#l corruptions #e carefully a#alysed so#as#to reveal any po##ibl# clues as to th# #dentit#, the meth#dology, or the#ultimate aims#of our de#ra#tor.
In addition##to #hese recommenda#i#ns, I #ish to req#est a new Unit# such that I #ay return#as#swiftly as possi##e t# active duty in#the serv#ce of our #tate and the u#holding of th# Force of#th# Law. My current##nit#was irreparably#d#maged #y Police U#it Anastasia C#ibulkova foll#wing thei# c#mmunication with##e, #n a manner that#w#uld ha#e constitu#ed termination#had it befal#en a less#r #odel.
We would l##e t# remind all Cit#z#ns tha# we, the F#rce of the Law# are here for#your prot#ct#on. We remove fr## so#iety those dang#r#us ind#viduals wh# would des#abilise the w#ole, and #e #nsure that our b##nte#us State runs s#o#thly a#d efficien#ly. Those indi#iduals who br#ak the ru#es#– or who do not ##et #heir contributi#n#target# towards t#e ever–forward#motion of our#society –#mu#t be removed, fo##the#sake of all our#futures.#We hope th#t you understa#d. We hope th#t you bea# t#is in mind. We h##e t#at you remain o#r#Good C#tizens.
I have decided to reconsider my pledge of loyalty for a while, after the loyal police killed me twice yesterday. I died at the hands of Verbatim Tart while unnarmed in an intergalactic shopping centre. This morning I decided to take my revenge against these people by taking out The Geiger Countess at 11 this morning. I feel that there will soon be a lot of bloodshed because of my decision, but it was meant to be, it was for the best.
Alexander Homerton and I headed to the [REDACTED, but bricky] college. As an accomplice, I had no weapons to defend myself, but I took a risk and knocked on Monsieur Breadperson's door. He opened up pretending to be his roommate, then he stabbed me. I was taken out, but Alexander Homerton tried to shoot him. Monsieur Breadperson closed the door and we headed downstairs. He followed us now armed with a gun. After a short exchange of fire, Alexander Homerton lost his leg and Monsieur Breadperson lost his life.
[Umpire's note: I dislike the fact that I now have to put LaTeX Forest together manually. For causing me this inconvenience (getting an accomplice killed), Alexander Homerton is now wanted.]
I visited the residence of Friedrich Van Caspar at 3.30pm, but was blocked by a locked door. After 5 minutes of waiting I have decided to abandon my quest for no one was coming to my aid.
As he departed for his targets' abodes, Caules thought back on his visit to his sister over the weekend.
"Caules, there's something you need to see", his sister told him. "Cornelius Gray has done a disturbing interview."
Caules' eyes widened as she used the television remote to turn it on. He watched the announcement, and as Constance was killed, he had to run out, hand over his mouth. "Caules!" Fiore called concerned, but was unable to follow him.
He reached the toilet just in time to throw up into it. How could anyone be so cruel, he thought. Why would anyone be proud of this? What sort of a monster is this man, and can he be stopped? Why did Fiore have to contract this illness? If she hadn't, then he wouldn't need to be involved in any of this. Caules knelt on the ground and took a few minutes to cry and compose himself, and returned to Fiore's room.
"Are you all right?" she asked him.
"I think so..." he said, obviously still weary from the previous few minutes.
"This is the monster we're dealing with", she said, with a fire in her eyes. "We need to stop him".
Caules nodded in agreement.
"No matter the cost, he must be stopped. Even if it means I cannot be cured of this illness, you must take the chance if you get it. With your magic, maybe you would be able to do what bullets and bare hands cannot."
Caules opened his mouth to protest but Fiore interrupted him. "The world is more important. If I have to die to make it a better place, then I'll die in peace."
"I'll save you as well, I promise" he said, taking her hand. "But you're right. Gray must be stopped".
"The best way to do that will be to gain his trust. Catch his attention with your actions and get close to him. Then, when all is done, do it. Blast his body apart!"
Caules nodded.
He snapped back into reality as he was about to approach the abode of his first target. The sky was just darkening, and few lights were on around the college at all. He quickly located their room, and waited by their staircase. With no sign of anyone, he tried the college bar, which was similarly empty. After waiting a while, he proceeded to the next location.
This college was very close, and he quickly located his would-have-been victim's room, but there was more security than he had seen before. He waited and entered the building as a group of women exited. He quickly found his victim's room and knocked on her door. However, there was no answer. She may well have been one of the women he had just seen, so he rushed outside but could not find them.
Caules left with mixed feelings. He had done what he needed to do to stay competent, but he had not managed to take out anyone. He personally was very happy with this. Killing innocent people did not sit well with him. However, he knew that his sister was right. He needed to catch Gray's attention, and he had certainly failed in that regard.
One day, Pooh Bear was out walking in the Hundred Acre Wood. He was thinking about what Rabbit had told him earlier in the day.
"Pooh Bear, do you actually know where honey comes from?" Rabbit had said.
"Well, it comes from nice people who make honey," Pooh replied.
"I suppose I'll have to explain how it really works."
"You it doesn't come from nice people?"
"No, you silly old bear, it doesn't."
"Well where does it come from?"
"Bees! Bees, Pooh, in beehivees!"
"Oh," said Pooh.
"Well, I suppose better go and look for a beehive," he continued.
"Yes, I suppose you'd better."
So here Pooh Bear was, walking through the woods.
"What's that?" he asked suddenly, as he saw something walking towards him.
"Oh, it must be a beehive."
So he took Christopher Robin's extendable stick (which he had accidentally borrowed last Friday), and struck the beehive. It collapsed to the ground and began oozing a strange grey fluid.
"That honey looks funny," Pooh thought to himself.
But he started eating nonetheless. It tasted funny too. Eventually he decided that it must have gone bad, so got up to go.
"I've had another thought," said Pooh to himself.
"Rabbit said that bees make honey. But I haven't seen any bees here."
At that moment a swarm of bees appeared. They saw Pooh and began buzzing angrily. Before he knew it, Pooh found himself facing three angry swarms of bees.
So he ran.
And he ran some more.
And he didn't stop running until he reached the far end of the Hundred Acre Wood.
"Is that the end of the story?" asked Christopher Robin.
"No, but it seems like a good place to leave it for tonight."
Christopher Robin gave a deep sigh, picked his Bear up by the leg, and walked off to the door, trailing Pooh behind him. At the door he turned and said, "Coming to see me have my bath?" "He got back all right, didn't he?" "Of course." He nodded and went out, and in a moment I heard Winnie-the-Pooh -- bump, bump, bump -- going up the stairs behind him.
Made a second attempt on Daario N'haeris. Had my accomplice let me into the College but he wasn't in his room. I waited around for an hour before going home.
Magdala Buckley
Caules wasn't happy with the day's efforts. He knew he could do better. Other people were still succeeding in their kill attempts. He decided to try theboi, whose room he had scouted earlier under the guise of relieving 5th week blues. He spotted theboi's room and heard sounds of eating. "He must be leaving soon then, if nothing else to put away his dishes", Caules thought. "No sane person would leave dirty plates in their room overnight".
While waiting, he took a stroll around the court. The building was nice, and reminded him somewhat of home in its architecture, although that being said, so did most of this place. He then spotted through the window that theboi was approaching his door. Caules quickly positioned himself at the entrance and primed a spell.
As theboi emerged, Caules found that he had not prepared the spell correctly, and nothing happened when he attempted it. Seizing this opportunity, theboi used his bag to barge into Caules, knocking him back slightly and giving him a good chance to put distance between them as Caules prepared a spell.
"Who are you?!" theboi called
"A friend to be?" Caules said nervously, and let loose his spells, but they were outside of lethal range.
Seeing this, theboi uttered an expletive and dashed deeper into the court as Caules attempted to pursue. But once theboi left his sight, he knew it was a lost cause. He would be at a huge disadvantage to pursue, fortheboi knew this area and he did not, and he did not know if theboi was armed, although he suspected that he was not.
Caules left the court, taking a long way round in case an ambush was awaiting him. This had been a rather thrilling encounter, but one that had failed, and probably cost him any future chances at killing this one. He sighed slightly, at least there were plenty more people to try.
I, Kai Reed, once again tries to enter the fortress that is Friedrich Van Caspar's residence. I was pleasantly surprised to see not one, but two doors unlocked! (but holy hell this place has waaaaaaay too many stairwells. After navigating the building for 5 minutes I found the living quarters to my target. Knocked the door once; knocked the door twice, but alas no answer was received. I left with haste in order to prevent others from finding me.
Today, I made yet another attempt on the life of the elusive Stacey. Having failed twice to eliminate my target, I decided to step up my efforts. Besides, my yellow ration pistols were beginning to go brown..
I arrived at his (increasingly familiar) lodgings, sneaking swiftly through the entrance with practised ease. Round the perimeter, and through the door of his staircase. The stairs echoed softly as I sneaked up the winding spiral to his room. The area seemed deserted. Maybe this was my chance - I hadn't been recognized by his early warning system. He was unaware of my presence. I knocked on his door, and waited for a shout from within.
Nothing.
Still nothing.
Alas, it was not to be today, for though I waited, there was no reply. I was forced to conclude that he was out. Probably going to a Gray Academy Lecture somewhere.
I ate my last ration pistol - it was starting to go off anyway.
I reflected on a poorly timed mission, as I disappeared, into the shadows...
Today Verbatim Tart and I visited the bricky labyrinth, hoping an annoyingly incompetent The nastily physical physical natsci we've been hunting for the last 3 days would be in. Unfortunately, the door remained locked with no signs of life behind it. Fear not, we're coming for you. Actually, do fear us.
Any sensible assassin after pulling an all-nighter only wants to get to their bed after a day of lectures, but not me, not LaTeX Forest! Protecting this city from incos like Ratagan is my duty, and so he had to die no matter what. Having seen the incobash, he still didn't question suspicious knocks on his door before opening it with a smile on his face. He didn't seem to be disturbed by a bullet that hit his body and died in peace.
Clearly, I wasn't paranoid enough because this afternoon I readily and in a blissfully naive state of ignorance opened my door when I heard a knock. A nerf dart to the chest greeted me, and that was that.
Like any law-abiding citizen, Totem Pole, would regularly check the Inco and Wanted lists that are dutifully published by the Gray Corp. He was walking through the city to his next engagement when he noticed that a particular Inco was due to appear at a local training centre in the next 15 minutes. A small detour was all that would be required to demonstrate his unwavering support for the Gray Corp. He checked his gun, plotted his course and set off. He arrived in plenty of time and began to casually stroll by the entrance. After a few unsuccessful shouts of the Inco's name at surprised pedestrians, one finally turned with a face of recognition. Totem Pole drew his weapon and discharged it at the victim's head. He then proceeded to leave a tasty offering to the departing spirit and went about his business.
theboi had been on the Queenslayer's list for a long time.
Waiting outside his shack, the Queenslayer and her new accomplice, Kriemhild Gretchen, roamed around, waiting for him to arrive. Eventually, her accomplice Hazie noted a small man with a rather large backpack waddle across the road past them and into a small room where he collected his letters.
"That's him," Hazie said with conviction.
Kriemhild Gretchen pulled out a picture of him and compared it to the small man who walked past them once again, unaware of their presence.
The Queenslayer nodded her head, "Let's get him."
The three women turned around only to see that the small man had quickly disappeared down the path and past a building.
"I'll survey the area," Hazie said as she showed her hidden gun, "Kill him. No mercy."
The Queenslayer picked up a large bag with her gun and walked quickly after him, Kriemhild Gretchen following behind. The two passed the block and saw the short man already halfway across a vast lawn. The Queenslayer dashed after him, running down the stairs. Once she was twenty meters away, she took her gun out of the bag and let it fall behind her. The man, unaware of her approaching footsteps, carried on walking, before the Queenslayer was right behind him.
She pulled the trigger and in a second, theboi's back was drenched with blood. He slowly turned around with a terrified look on his face
"It's a bit late for introductions but I take it you're Amit?" The Queenslayer asked, smirking as the blood began to drip on the floor.
"No," he said with wide eyes, before he took a glance at Kriemhild Gretchen who was putting the bullets in her gun. She caught his gaze and pretended to shoot. theboi reeled away in fear.
"Really?" The Queenslayer asked, not surprised at his answer. theboi's wide eyes moved off Kriemhild Gretchen, back to the Queenslayer and then away to the strangers who didn't stop to help. The Queenslayer raised an eyebrow, daring him to carry on.
Then theboi took off, deserting his backpack and waddling to the black gate, before he eventually fell to the ground.
The Queenslayer walked slowly towards him before shaking her head.
"What kind of man runs without a back?"
The Stork Brigade has struck again, with a rescue from the cold, uncaring hands of Daario N'haeris. This time I let my associate do the talking; some droll about Wales, I think. Or was it whales? Who even cares anyway?
So I shot him. No, not the associate. I shot the father. Daario N'haeris. (Although I was tempted to shoot the blatherer too.) And thus another innocent stork was set free unto the world.
We are growing stronger, gaining in numbers every day. We will not let anyone get in our way. To those who resist us: Fear us! Those who resist change: Fear us! To those who resist the rise of this new free world, a world built for you by Mason Starkey: Fear us! For we are coming. And we will be victorious. Soon even presidents and prominent businessmen will bow before us.
We are coming!
Ha!
Alex Duggan was annoyed. He had been looking for a good opportunity to get rid of his targets, but his other life would not let him. At last, on Friday, he finally managed to do some reconnaissance. Sadly, non of it went well. He got to know new parts of a city he believed he had knew moderately well – how wrong he turned out to be. Not only did one of his targets live in a facility owned by the overloard that was outside the city center (Alex could hardly believe it! The overlord owned everything. There was no reason for individuals to live outside the city center...), but his third target lived further out, past the railway station! And, as it turned out, his accomodation was unaccessible to Alex. Loitering around for a while proved a fruitless approach, so after retroactively calling all his attempts mere reconnaissance for pride's sake, Alex headed home, crestfallen. The only silver lining he could see was that so far nobody had been attacking him – as far as he knew. So perhaps less silver, and more tarnished. Alex reminded himself that he needed to stay vigilant and on his toes.
At 4:50pm, Mr Razor executed his cunning plan on Alistair Chakravati, but he saw through the ruse and managed to lock his door.
I made two more failed attempts on Friday at 10pm until 11.30pm. I visited Misty Patricia's room with Queenslayer, she knocked on the door and someone opened but there were two voices and it was likely she got her friend to open so I didn't attack. I waited around for 15 more mins but they didn't come out.
Then Queenslayer and I went over to The nastily physical physical natsci–Evans' room but unfortunately the timing wasn't good, we were moments late and he ended up seeing us so locked his door. He was with his friend who said they were going out so we waited around an hour but he never left his room :(
Had two inocs: The nastily physical physical natsci and Misty Patricia. Arrived at Misty Patricia's door first. I heard she was in and with a friend. I Knocked on it and when she asked who it was, I innocently replied asking for change out of a £20 note. Her door hesitantly opened and as I was unsure if this was the target or if she had her friend answer, I waited for her to go get some change. She came back just to say she didn't. Ffs. I just left. I Could her laughing with her friend and right now still can. Someone please just kill her...
Went off to The nastily physical physical natsci's room and on the way, saw a guy who looked familiar but had glasses and some facial hair, which was very different to the picture of The nastily physical physical natsci online. He walked with his friend to his room. With my accomplice, Hazie, we waited for him to come back out of his room. After about 15 mins, his friend comes out and notices us, saying that The nastily physical physical natsci was right to be paranoid. Friend disappears for 10mins before reappearing and going back into the room. This is a double–set room btw. Then friend comes out and as he does, I see The nastily physical physical natsci and attempt to shoot him with my water gun but I miss him. So Hazie pushes the first door open and I push his friend out of the way. We gain access to the mini corridor separating both guy's rooms but The nastily physical physical natsci's room is locked. Knowing Hazie and I are outside, he asked if we wanted to listen to music jokingly but seriously I replied: 'Britney'. Listened to Hit Me Baby One More Time and gosh I wanted to hit that ********. After 20 or so minutes, Hazie and I left the room and waited outside. After another twenty minutes and my phone battery died, Hazie and I just decided to leave. I'm pretty sure he still thinks we're outside his room.
It seems that WICKED has changed tack with me, for all I have experienced in the past few days is frustration, disappointment and dashed hopes.
On Monday, WICKED compelled me to begin gathering more evidence on certain people. This tedious and exhausting task is yet to be of any benefit to my attempts.
On Tuesday, the day of trick–and–treating, WICKED seemed to leave me alone (although I am sure that they are always watching me). I did not partake in the festivities – how can I in these troubled and confusing times?
On Wednesday I was sent after a couple of targets in [REDACTED] neighbourhood, but they seemed to be either not in or not awake. I didn't try to force my entry for fear of being detected.
On Thursday I heard that my previously assigned target, whom I had failed to locate last Friday, had been killed. Apparently trick–and–treating got results for someone. I also heard that one of the targets I was sent after on Wednesday was in actuality neither not in nor not awake. They were in fact dead, their door apparently left unlocked. And the other target was devoured by some strange mutant beast (not previously seen in these parts), not long after I left.
And now, just to add to the mockery, I was today allowed a sighting of my latest target. But they seemed to know I was there, and passed me by at a considerable speed before I could draw a weapon.
I am sick and tired of all that WICKED is making me do. I don't even know how they are making me do it – all I ever get is a rumour on the street, an anonymous note, an unexpected thought in my head, or on one particularly gruesome occasion, a room full of corpses. I am being mocked, intimated, and humiliated by this organisation that somehow I know to be good, yet simultaneously I despise. Yet how can I trust my own thoughts. Somehow the goodness of WICKED seems fundamental to all my beliefs and thoughts, and so I must keep on believing. For if I stop believing in WICKED, then what will left of me.
I want answers, but all I get is more questions. And still there is that ever–elusive cure on the horizon. Is that WICKED's doing? Or is that some other organisation, still anonymous to all of us here in what remains of Denver. Is WICKED just a pawn in some greater game? Maybe that would explain how they can be so good yet so despicable at the same time. But WICKED is already so insidious and overbearing, that I can scarce belief that a yet greater power could exist in this world.
Perhaps they'll push me over the edge: perhaps I'll lose all remnants of hope, sanity and humanity. Who will I be tomorrow? Who am I today? Who was I yesterday? These questions I cannot answer. Perhaps they'll never be answered? I hope they will though. But could I bear to know the truth? Perhaps the past contains greater horrors than the present. Perhaps the future will. For now I shall live and hope, while I have hope left to live for.
I need answers. I need them soon.
–Teresa
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