The Assassins' Guild: Michaelmas 2017 Game Awards
For various achievements and entertainments, the following awards are presented:
- The Achievement Unlocked: Pacifist Award for Dedication to Not Using Weapons:
- Alex Hibbert, for asking the umpires to please thunderbolt him if he ever took any aggressive action against another player and therefore never utilising a weapon against another player despite surviving for an unreasonable time.
- The BAFTA Award for Best Actress:
- Robert Kunzmann, for convincing Andrew Browne that he was an accomplicing innocent, letting the serial killer into his accomodation and then shaking hands with the assassin with contact poison and nearly managing to turn that into a full kill rather than simply a removed limb. Honourable mention to Alex Kanavos who actually bet their accomplice's target £5 that the assassin after them had already left.
- The Bandwidth Bandit Award for Non-textual Reports:
- Alastair Haig, for hilarious image based reports, as well as an incredible death report.
- The Banker's Bonus Award for Profit:
- Valentin Foley, for killing Michael Warman in a manner that satisfied every possible bounty available.
- The Brutus Award for Best Betrayal:
- Alex Kavanos, for getting Nick Heitler to wait on the balcony while he showed Ross Sullivan a video of his empty room and slipped £5 under the door of the bathroom where he was hiding to get him to leave as Nick "wasn't in the room anymore" so he "wouldn't die".
- The Catherine Zentile Award for Least Innocent Innocent:
- Jack Atkinson, for initiating a shooting spree among innocents with a farshot Andrew Browne had brought to an event for protection, as well as "accidentally" shooting Browne in the face with his own watergun while OOB the following evening.
- The Darwin Award for Death by Stupidity:
- Philine Hagenmeyer, for losing her spot in the duel by being inco and leaving her door unlocked on the final day of the game.Honourable mention to Ollie Evans for holding the door for a fully armed incobash squad, watching them make an attempt at his room before convening around him in the gyp room, only reacted in a panic when one of them asked 'so, are you Ollie?'
- The David and Goliath Award for Best Giant-Killing Activity by a New Player:
- India-Jane Barry, for killing Andrew Darby, the all-powerful, devilishly handsome and virtually unkillable umpire, during a battle with 3 police members while Wanted.Honourable mention to Nick Heitler, for defeating Dani Cugini (notable ex-psychofresher) after a brilliantly planned and researched ambush, dramatic chase and a failed attack with a banana.
- The 'Do you have my fish?' Award for Excuse Least Likely To Get Someone To Open The Door:
- Andrew Darby, for the line "I’m with the Nerf Dart Delivery Service, please open the door!", as well as another (supposedly) successful use of the 'can I borrow your shoes' routine. Honourable mention to Nick Heitler for this pseudonym dedicated to the award.
- The Eh? Award for Weirdest Assassins' Related Happening:
- Alex Hibbert, for waking up one night at 3am convinced that there were nerf guns on the ceiling about to fire, legging it out of the room and trampling Michael Warman (who was sleeping on the floor). Woke up partially clothed on the landing, very confused and slightly embarrassed.
- The Fake Simon Award for Psychological Warfare:
- Alastair Haig, for including 'out of bounds whilst wearing pink' in his notes, yet never actually wearing pink (and not owning a pink item of clothing).
- The George R. R. Martin Award for Commitment to the Plot:
- Adam Kucz, for asking the umpires for a summary of the terms used so far and information on established 'lore' of the Gray Corp world so that he could make his reports more in universe.Honourable mention to the entire guild for some serious commitment to the plot and building the universe.
- The
Harland
Quinn
Golden
Quill
for the Most Amusing Reports:
- Joseph Townsend, for So. Many. Puns.
Honourable mention to Hanna Hassan for her prolific and exceptional tales of murder, especially notable 'what kind of man runs without a back'.
- The Jeffery Archer Award for Prolific Writing:
- Valentin Foley, our loyal CoP, for producing extensive reports of the many kills they achieved, as well as death reports that would strike fear into the heart of any umpire struggling with a touchy AutoUmpire system. Honourable mentions to Andrew Browne and Hanna Hassan for their highly prolific reports and contributions to the excellent narrative of the game.
- The Lawyers at Dawn Award for Disputing Everything:
- Andrew Carlotti, for disputing pretty much every decision made that concerned him and generally questioning the power of the umpire.
- The Leek and Safe Award for most interesting weaponry:
- Barnaby Medhurst, for his rather large cross which he used to crucify an unsuspecting individual (with photographic evidence).
- The Lemming Award for the First to Die:
- Imogen Sandford, for dying a respectable 11 hours into the game.
- The Mario Sainz-Martinez Award for cowwuption:
- The Incorruptible Michael Warman, for going utterly and completely, irredeemably corrupt. In his quest to protect Alex Hibbert AKA The Gentleman, he took down two police members and the Umpire himself before making his getaway.
- The My Coat Is Just Big Boned Award for Weapon Concealment:
- Hanna Hassan, for having a LOT of weapons on her in the final duel, such that the Umpire wasn't sure where she was pulling them from.
- The 'My Hero' Award for the Biggest Fanclub:
- Twm Stone and Andrew Darby, for for having an actual fanclub show up to a social, asking if 'Tomb Stone' was there and talking excitedly about the awesome fresher that singlehandedly deafeated Twm and his two allies.
- The Not Dead Yet Award for failure to admit defeat:
- Clara Ding, for surviving an incredibly long time in a 2v1 duel against two HyperFires.
- The "nice try" Award for a valiant effort:
- Avigail Ben-Gad, natable police member, for repeated near-successful attempts on Ward van der Schoot and for her attempted betrayal of Alex Hibbert, consisting of stabbing him while OoB in a chapel followed by stabbing him just outside of the chapel, only to discover he wasn't inco (for the first time in the entire game).Honourable mention to Twm Stone fo several failed attempts at rules lawyering.
- The Obfuscated Tutorial System Award for Silliest Pseudonym:
- Dani Cugini, for 'The Innocuous Postman Who Keeps Accidentally Bumping Into People While Carrying Very Sharp Parcels'.
- The Order of the Black Coat Award for Application of the Art of Disguise:
- Andrew Browne, for his blue-haired wig convincing enough to warrant a comment from his target, after their demise.
- The Police Hero Medal for Outstanding Service:
- Leo Zlotnikov, for deadly commitment to the cause, resulting in the death of many wanted and incompetent individuals.
- The Reversed Burden of Johannes Award for Unintentionally Killing Innocents:
- Teddy Mack and Joseph Townsend, for, on their first kill attempt, shot their 'target' who expressed sadness at dying, only to later find out that they had shot an innocent neighbour, resulting in Teddy Mack going wanted and taken down by the police later that day.
- The Richard Gibson Award for Marksmanship:
- Valentin Foley, for attacking Michael Warman with a HyperFire from above, meters away, in a narrow corridor with no escape and hitting him with 3/25 darts, only one of which was fatal.
- The Show Must Go On Award for Devotion to The Guild:
- Twm Stone, Edwin Balani and a team of others, especially Matt Johnson, for fixing the AutoUmpire enough to allow this game to happen, including long nights creating fixes and workarounds, without them the game would not have been possible.Honourable Mention to Alex Hibbert, for all of his (hugely unappreciated) work behind the scenes preventing the AU, and the Umpires themselves, from giving up entirely.
- The Spawncamper Award for kill farming:
- Nick Heitler and Avigail Ben-Gad, for their near daily 'betrayals' of each other during the police war, resulting in each of them racking up a sizeable kill count.
- The Speedrun Award for Rapid Target Clearing:
- Kanyi Tochukwu Joshua Onuoras, for a new guild record, managing to clear his entire target list in an incredible 80 minutes.
- The Tombstone Award for Psychopathy:
- Evgeny Slavin, for 13 kills, an incredible feat for a first time player.Honourable mention to Andrew Browne for a respectable 10 kills.
- The Three Hours Early Award for Paranoia:
- Thomas Carey, for literally going to some lectures 3 hours early and taking a weird route, then sitting in the bathroom watching Netflix on his phone while he waited.
- The *Twitch* award for Plot Derailment:
- The AutoUmpire, for being so exceptionally broken, temperamental and difficult to work with that the game was almost compeletly derailed by its lack of reliability.
- The Watcher On The Walls Award for dedicated ambushing:
- Leo Zlotnikov, for spending hours hidden in the wardrobes of his targets as he waited for them to get home.
- The Yellow Streak Award for Running Away:
- Omar Khassal, for managing to give an incobash squad the runaround several times over the course of an hour. Stunning onlookers with his impressive speed and ability to jump over 6ft tall fences, leading to his eventual escape.
- The Robocop Award for killing wanted criminals:
- Valentin Foley, for their excellent work as CoP, ensuring the deaths of many a wanted assassin.
- The Judas Award for Trying to Betray Someone, But They Miraculously Live Thanks to the Power of the Almighty:
- Mahika Dixit, for turning on Thomas Carey the second Clara was killed, and firing her gun at him before he knew what was happening. Her gun misfired, giving Carey time to return fire and win the game.
- The Gentleman's Award for Reverse Profit:
- Alastair Haig, for setting a great number of bounties for a range of tasks under the alias 'Bart Schaf'.
- The Mexican Standoff Award for tensest situation:
- Mahika Dixit, Thomas Carey and Ward Van Der Schoot, for a late game standoff in which both sides managed to trap each other on a staircase for some time, resulting in a dead accomplice and a temporary truce to allow both parties to escape unharmed.
- The Rasputin Award for Why Won't You Just Die?!:
- The tree Clara used for cover in the duel, for absorbing well over 100 darts over the course of 20 minutes, resulting in them being littered through the branches and wedged into the trunk.
- The Terminator Award for Best ""I'll Be Back"" moment:
- Evgeny Slavin, for agreeing with Andrew Browne to go their separate ways just to double back and kill him less than 30 minutes later.
- The Peace in the Middle East award for Fragile Alliances:
- The Parchment Eaters, for an alliance formed at the social that broke apart just 3 days later.
- The 'I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream' Award for Inventive Communication:
- Alex Allen, for desperately signalling that Gray was, in fact, the Corrupt Arbiter by uploading images with names such as GrayIsCorruptHELPME.jpg
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