The Assassins' Guild - Week 3 News

Acronym Attack reports:

Having an Acronym Attack? See the CUAG FAQ. Georgina Turner had an Acronym Attack. MIA in her own kitchen. Sadly she wasn't so much MIA as KIA. RIP.

She was shot with an Unsubtle Giant Gun (USG). Could've just used a jolt, but you know, YOLNT.

TTFN.

el Che reports:

[The girlfriend] walked out of [the incompetent]'s door. I shot her.

Osney Kettleblack reports:

After hearing of a new threat to the safety of our one true king I rushed to snuff out the menace who threatened to undermine the realm through lack of devotion to our ruler. Spotting him outside his place of study I placed my longsword through his back. He offered some last words which will echo through the generations; "Oh [censored], you're an assassin." He was wrong, I am a member of the Kingsguard who is doing his duty and not some filthy catspaw or Kingslayer like the others that lurk this city.

Brienne of Darth reports:

He slumped over his plate, to the singular disinterest of his companions, who passed the salt over his head and did not question me. Perhaps they had known this was inevitable. It surprises me how little it bothers me to have killed a man at his meal. He was not my guest, at least. I will not stoop that low. And having reneged on his duty in life, he was due no honour in death. I sheathed my little red knife and moved on.

Collio Quaynis reports:

A man should not expect to die at dinner, though having eaten the food, it was probably inevitable. Ultimately, the knife was a mercy.

Note: 'Leek crumble' is not a thing and certainly not a main course.

A member of a loose coalition of players consisting of James Brotherston, Fred Alford, Gwilym Kuiper, Freddie Brewer, Claire Farey, Georgie Turner, Joe Tomkinson, Ellie Holderness, Curtis Reubens, Tom Flynn & Kai Hugtenburg reports:

How not to play assassins, by the Mathia, part III

They say gambling's bad for you, and they're right. When an incompetant [not the only one, apparently... -TS] appeared beside me at a poker table, I thought this was too good to be true, however there was a big problem. I hadn't remembered the assassins rules properly. First mistake.

"Participants are OOB from each other until five minutes after leaving"

So I shot him on his way out of the college, and now I'm wanted. Again.

Well, if I can survive once...

Stannis Baratheon reports:

I, Stannis Baratheon, killed Haviland Tuf with a nerf gun at around 9:55 outside a [subject] lecture in the [named] lecture theatre.

This lecture has a few hundred people in it so I was actually quite pessimistic about the possibility of spotting Dimitrije, who I had found on the incompetence list and recognised from some of my lectures. However, I spotted him soon after walking in and sat directly behind him.

A brief but tense struggle ensued outside the lecture when I first tried to shoot him and my gun unexpectedly misfired. Thankfully I managed to fumble the bullet back into the barrel before he could pull out his knife.

Haviland Tuf reports:

Just as I was leaving a lecture this morning, somebody tried to shoot me. The gun jammed, so I tried to get my knife out and dispose of him. Unfortunately, the gun started working and I found myself with a new hole in my chest.

Haviland Tuf out.

George R. R. Martin reports:

Characters should either kill for plot reasons or be killed for plot reasons. Plus a decent smattering of intrigue, [CENSORED] and dragons, but bloodshed is where it's really at for a good narrative. Regrettably, this particular character was not contributing, so he had to go.

Unfortunately, the elegance of my ambush (culminating in a swift stab to the back) was ruined by the target's sheer confusion: it transpired that someone else had already killed him yesterday evening. He then headed off to his lecture, leaving me to question my life choices, my control over plot trajectories and [WHERE THE [CENSORED] ARE MY DRAGONS??!?!!!1?]

[Since the previous kill of Vid Mehta was annulled, this one is licit and so George R. R. Martin gets the kill. -TS]

Acronym Attack reports:

Having an Acronym Attack? See the CUAG FAQ (and also maybe the rules). The NHS warns there is an epidemic of Acronym Attacks going around Cambridge. Or was it the BMA?

Max Quastel had an Acronym Attack. KOF (Killed on facebook) in his own room. KISS, as they say. CSI reveals he was shot with a SSG (Subtle Small Gun). RIP, he'll be AWOL for a bit.

You could say I'm off the wanted list ASAP.

TBC..

Sleepy Gary reports:

Sleepy Gary reporting in. Helen Piatkowski fell to my gunbrella. She's mildly disgruntled but too tipsy to resent me for it.

A member of a very loose coalition of players reports:

I stabbed him.

A member of a loose coalition of players consisting of Joe Tomkinson, Georgie Turner, Ellie Holderness, Kai Hugtenburg, Tom Flynn, Gwilym Kuiper, Freddie Brewer, Claire Farey, Curtis Reubens, Fred Alford & James Botherson. reports:

Took a muchly overdue stabbing from Judas outside lectures this morning.

Shrimad Rajachandra reports:

Hello,

I would like to report the kill of The Red Queen today a bit before 8 pm.

Em was peacefully leaving her accommodation when I spotted her beautiful red hair and shot her (with some difficulty as my gun was got stuck once). There is nothing her two friends could do to protect her. Fortunately Em's fiancée wasn't hurt in the battle.

Best regards,

Shrimad Rajachandra

Jaqen H'ghar reports:

Dear Umpire
You are dead.

I vanquished the Umpire with my pistol as he was playing with my gun. He should have known I would try to kill him but his power has made him arrogant, and it has cost him his life. Luckily he is 'immortal', so I can kill him again.


Jaqen H'ghar (Newly instated Gold cloak)

danger kitten reports:

Today I [HRRRRRRRR RRRRRR RRRRRR RRRR] and therefore decided that [MOUSE] should be [SILKEN FURRY PAWS CONTAIN SHARP LITTLE CLAWS] at the end of her lecture.

Consequently, I [OH LOOK A FEATHER DRIFTING IN THE BREEZE I SHOULD BAT IT WITH MY LITTLE PAWS] only to find that [MORRRRROW WOWW][PRRRRRRREDACTED] in the [BOWL OF WARM MILK WITH SUGAR ADDED PRRR YES PLEASE].

In any case, [YOU DIDN'T REALLY NEED THAT NICE VASE ON THE WINDOWSILL DID YOU?] and I rather enjoyed exchanging awkward glances with the other cat across the corridor, who was almost certainly there hoping to [CATCH THE SAME MOUSE AND LEAVE IT ON THE UMPIRE'S CARPET AS AN ADORABLE PRESENT].

Super Doctor Astronaut Peter Corbeau reports:

As you might expect of a handsome, genial and frankly brilliant fellow such as I, I have a lot of friends. (And lovers - men want me, women want to be me, you dig? - but that's beside the point.) It was to some of these friends that I was gifting my company today, and during a lighthearted conversation about the hyperbolic functions I jokingly swung a cosh at Claire Farey's head. Oh, how we laughed, and by 'we' I mean 'everyone except Claire, because she was unconscious', but she thought it hysterical once she woke up.

Seems she took it to heart rather though, for not too much later she attacked me. Me! Doctor Peter Heroism Corbeau, bastion of justice, famed philanthropist, gentle yet thorough lover. I was so surprised by her hostility that, quite by luck, she managed to catch me in the arm with her cosh. Having now processed her heinous betrayal, I grabbed my knife with my other hand. Skilled as I am in knifeplay (as well as neuroscience, basket-weaving and sundry other skills) I knew that her far superior range meant that I'd be unlikely to slip through her guard, so I charged right into it. When I awoke, five minutes later, I found that my knife had found its mark.

Her funeral was a simple service. I played Chopin's Raindrop Prelude on the cello, and read a brief eulogy. It was incredibly moving, if I do say so myself.

George R. R. Martin reports:

Someone once said, "It is one thing to be clever and another to be wise."

I wonder who said that.

It sounds very elegant.

Ah yes, it was me.

So it would sound very elegant.

True, I let Catelyn Stark actually *say* the words, because I'm nice and modest like that, but really the elegance was all mine.

Tonight, a practical example:

Clever: George R. R. Martin, who flawlessly calculated the time when the incompetent Alexander Piskunov would emerge from his room. Well, of course I would calculate it flawlessly - I'm George R. R. Martin, after all. I *wrote* it.

The fact that said incompetent actually emerged 30 minutes later than expected is completely irrelevant. Literary creations can be pesky at times, y'know.

Wise: Jon Snow, who actually shot (as Police) the incompetent when he emerged from his room. This was after George R. R. Martin had (rather less wisely) engaged in the following dialogue with the incompetent:

George R. R. Martin: *thinking that looks just like the incompetent we're after, and he came out of the incompetent's room too* "Are you Alexander Piskunov?"
Alexander Piskunov: "No."
George R. R. Martin: "Oh...ok then."

General Alcazar reports:

Caramba! Thees was a successful evening. Fiirst myself General Alcazar and mi amigo General Tapioca after mucho wandering we finally arrive at the door of thees man Salman. Hee seems to be sensible however and does not come out when we knock. So we devise a trap. After mucho minutes of waiting and knocking hee is getting impatiant and eventually tries to come out and shoot me. But hee ees not realising my ally is around the corner and so meets his end to Gen Tapioca's pistol.

General Alcazar reports:

We then move on and after mucho waiting again around a staircase Clara appears on her way home. But she neever gets there, for after making sure it's reeally her I shoot. But my friend, very quiick on the draw and throws a knife at me as I fire. Caramba! I am lucky it only grazes my arm, a narrow escape. Adios.

Ghost reports:

Awhooooooooo

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oybBxoZvkZA

Jon Snow reports:

I left Ghost to return to her den, but had only gone a hundred metres when I got a flash of some vision. I knew she was in trouble, so I rushed to her aid. I was too late, and she died in my arms. Alas, my wolf, you shall be avenged!

Arya Stark reports:

I couldn't take it any longer! An incompetent, and wanted, living not a stone's throw from my room. Not acceptable.

But, having at least a little honour, I challenge our wanted friend to a duel. After about an hour of fighting, and two innocents shot on the way (oops) [redacted] is on his last bullet.

He shoots, misses and runs for me, I raise my gun and fire, only to see that the bullet doesn't fire. He ends my life with a knife to the heart.

It was unfortunate, but at least I get cookies for it in the afterlife.