Cloak & Dagger The Assassins' Guild - May Week News

Wednesday, 8 June

[12:10] First blood on Olympus, as Apollo (Twm Stone) kills Poseidon't have a pseudonym so the Umpire chose this one (Samuel Kittle)

Apollo reports: #firstkill

Poseidon't have a pseudonym so the Umpire chose this one reports: I was shot in the back by Apollo at 1220.

[13:20] The Four Horses of the Apocalypse head out for lunch and mayhem! Pestilence (Ben Mortishire-Smith) takes out Johannes (Cyriac Cyriac) and Rajesh Kai (Matt Kaye), while War (William Grace (Will)) "sort of looked on in horror"

Pestilence reports: With the knowledge that the game had just begun, and armed with a hastily-constructed blade, I went for lunch with my horseman colleague, War, hopeful that we would stumble across a potential victim at lunch. To my glee, Johannes and Rajesh Kai were lunching unsuspectingly, and I took the former down with a swift blade to the gut. The unarmed Rajesh Kai leapt to his feet and was about to make a break for it; a flurry of feet and blows, and he too was laid alongside his friend a moment later.

Johannes reports:

[13:20] Tinker Tailor Soldier Trump (Alexis de Vivenot) commits his worst crime yet, brutally stabbing Father Christmas (Juliet Armstrong)!

Tinker Tailor Soldier Trump reports: Struck down Juliet Armstrong at 1320 in hall with a knife. She seemed nonplussed.

Father Christmas reports:

[13:29] In a disastrous turn of events for Pastafarian devotees, vampire squash (Mark Cooper) publicly kills Flying Spaghetti Monster (Jared Jeyaretnam)

vampire squash reports: At 13:29 today I fatally shot Jared Jeyaretnam in Trinity Street opposite the Great Gate.

Flying Spaghetti Monster reports: I am dead, having been shot in the back by none other than Mark Cooper! Hopefully this will be the last time.

[13:30] Running away from the North Wind proves challenging, as El-Ahrairah (Daniel Chiverton) is gunned down by Boreas (Alexander (Alex) Hibbert)

Boreas reports:

El-Ahrairah reports: Died to Alex Hibbert after a short chase through Magdalene village at about 1:30. His water pistol misfired but I still died.

[13:45] Mayhem in Troy!! Horse of Troy (Lewis Jones) knifes Paris, Son of King of Troy (Sam Twist), only to be taken out by Helen of Troy (Irina Savova)

Horse of Troy reports: 13:45 A tense walk to the post room ends in a double betrayal. Paris, Son of King of Troy pulls a pistol on Horse of Troy, but at too close quarters. Horse of Troy evades the shot and retaliates, slashing Paris with a switchblade, only to be shot in the back by Helen of Troy.

Paris, Son of King of Troy reports: Attempted killing of Horse of Troy (Lewis Jones) backfires spectacularly, knifed in the stomach by him at 13:45. Immediately avenged by Helen of Troy! Two bodies, two seconds.

Helen of Troy reports: I, Helen of Troy, had to avenge the death of my love, Paris, son of King of Troy, when I saw him being slain by Horse of Troy. Thus, I took out my nerf gun and shot him right in the back in the post room.

[15:00] Boreas (Alexander (Alex) Hibbert) finds his next victim: Katarina (Peter Rugg)

Boreas reports:
O'er Magdalene Bridge came the North Wind
Long his strides and swift his glancing
Walking, walking, to his meeting
Saw him allies, granted treaty
Sworn steadfast to help and defend

Came to Sidney, met with more friends
Walked to Trinity, never finding
Walked to Magdalene, chased but lost one
Saw another, pursued and killed him
Wounded in battle, lost a limb
Had to wait until it regen'd

Searching, searching, all through John's place
Prey eluding, regrouped for protection
Gates of Trinity, barred and menacing
Nothing found, but hope reawakened
Companion departed, new one taken
Group of people, sun in sky
Ambush set, one falls and dies

Contiued to Pembroke, conversed with Pestilence
Allied his ally, a brother to a friend
Conflict on the stairwell, nerf darts flew
Enemy slew ally, ally him too
Battle, battle, between ally and friend!
Long the struggle, swift the end

Guest of wind bore knife to murderer
Slayer of an ally proved a friend's friend!
Failure on failure, mistake on mistake
Consoled the dead, leave was taken
Farewell to Pembroke, farewell to fallen
More will die, for the end is coming.

Katarina reports: Kim and 2 of her friends ambushed me out the back of trinity and killed me with water pistols. Only just got wifi to report it.

Athena reports: Shortly after the game began, I met Boreas the North Wind on Magdalene bridge. After a short standoff, we agreed hunting together would be easier than apart. After a quick stop to Get Seth for War, the three of us headed into the bowels of Hell (Wolfson Court Trinity). Surprisingly, nothing happened in there, and we proceeded to Johns (nothing) and then Magdalene, where Cyamites waved to us and then ran away as fast as he could. He escaped, but his neighbour El Ahrairha was not so lucky after Boreas chased him into a cul-de-sac. You cannot hide from the wind.

[15:30] Many, many things happen in the "bowels of Hell..." Death (Harry Sarson) comes to Athena (Kim Ward); vampire squash (Mark Cooper) kills Death (Harry Sarson) but is then infected with Pestilence (Ben Mortishire-Smith); Famine (Daniel James (Dan)) is blown away by Boreas (Alexander (Alex) Hibbert)

Death reports:

Athena reports: Our next stop was the other bowels of Hell (G Staircase Pembroke). War left his door open, and Pestilence was inside, but Boreas and him were allies so had an amicable chat whilst I tried to coax Death from his room. After some skullduggery with string and a remote opening mechanism, I was eventually shot in the head with a dart. Death's response to my call of "I'm dead!" was to throw his door wide open to celebrate, and then proceed to be smashed up by vampire squash and Boreas who were both carrying full-size water rifles pointed straight at his door. We believe vampire got him first.
Pestilence decided vampire didn't deserve to live anymore and there ensued a ten-minute dart fight on the staircase, ending in vampire's death. About fifteen seconds after this, Famine opened his door and shot vampire in the back. Apparently he'd been preparing his move for a while, but had simply waited too long. Boreas killed Famine with a well-thrown knife in the ribcage.

vampire squash reports: At some point around 3pm Alex Hibbert killed Peter Rugg on the backs outside Trinity. At 15:30 Harry Sarson killed Kim Ward outside his room and I then killed Harry Sarson. At 15:40 I was then killed by Ben Mortishire-Smith.

Boreas reports: Bonus, prose account of the fight on Pem stairwell: Kim Ward made a determined effort to persuade Harry Sarson to open his door, which he was eventually prevailed upon to do, revealing a cardboard fortification. Shots were exchanged, before a particularly rapid opening of the door caught Kim by surprise. Sadly none-visible from the spyhole was Mark Cooper, holding a large water gun (retrospectively illicit: Full Water was Daniel James' room! Harry's was Water With Care), who proceeded to murder him when he opened his door to commiserate with Kim. Meanwhile, Ben Mortishire-Smith had relocated up the staircase, and acquired the deceased individual's weaponry, which he used to pin Mark into an alcove. Shots flew, but they were at an impass until Ben called to an accomplice to 'Tryptophan! Isoleucine! Leucine!'. This apparently meant 'text Dan and get him to shoot Mark in the back'), which he did with amplomb. Then I threw a knife, which killed the triumphant Dan. A messy business all round.

[16:35] In a rather unlikely alliance, Apollo (Twm Stone) joins forces with Tinker Tailor Soldier Trump (Alexis de Vivenot) for a raid. Apollo (Twm Stone) is killed by War (William Grace (Will)), but War is then ended by Tinker Tailor Soldier Trump! Who would've guessed!?

War reports: Just writing to report that I, William Grace (War), killed Twm (Apollo) at 1635 today. [...] I was then killed by Alexis at 1636!

Apollo reports: Will shot me on the stairs.

Tinker Tailor Soldier Trump reports: Went with Twm to assault the Pembroke hive; he was shot as we charged up the staircase but was avenged as I brought his murderer (Will Grace) down with a burst of rubber band fire.
Let's make Pembroke great again.
Tinker Tailor Soldier Trump

[17:10] Tinker Tailor Soldier Trump (Alexis de Vivenot) continues his streak! Not a good day for Poseidon't have a pseudonym so the Umpire chose this one (Samuel Kittle)

Tinker Tailor Soldier Trump reports: Just murdered Sam Kittle in Christ's as he walked across First Court. Three for three.

Poseidon't have a pseudonym so the Umpire chose this one reports:

[19:05] Storms on the horizon for Boreas (Alexander (Alex) Hibbert), who kills El-Ahrairah (Daniel Chiverton) and Assassiny McAssassinface (Sean Thor Herron), only to be unexpectedly killed by Athena (Kim Ward), who also shoots down Get Seth for war (Katy Darwent) with some unexpected help from...the patriarchy.

Boreas reports:

One day the North Wind was blowing on the city of Cambridge. And it came to pass that he became weary, and desired sustenance. Therefore he went even unto the Hall of Ramsay, in the college of Magdalene, there to sup and dine. And even as he so sat, he espied two Foes. Drawing his sword, he kept it as a warning, allowing him to consume his earthly nourishment undisturbed. And he went up from the Hall, but he said to himself: I shall not abide the presence of these interlopers in this place. Instead, I shall await a time against their coming. And should they come hence, I shall slay them. So he girded himself as for war and awaited their passing. In time, one approached, a spirit of water. But the North Wind smiled, and used his own control of the weather to outmatch the lesser spirit, and so he perished.

Well pleased with his work, North Wind again took flight, alighting hither and thither in other places. But he desired companionship, and a debt needed fulfillment, so he met with one named Seth. And as they passed the time on the bridge over the great Cam, another presence made itself known, passing as to a great feast. Taking up his arms again, the North Wind pursued him unto death. And so he perished.

And now the North Wind grew emboldened, and said unto his companion: let us make a tour of this, that we might happen upon others of their ilk, and deliver them too of their earthly life. The other agreed, so they walked down past the Cornucopia, and past places of worship of other gods, and down the long, straight way which leads past the college of the King. And they grew aroused in their talk, for it verged into the human concept of a 'patriarchy'. Amidst the tulment of their conversation and repartee, alas, they neither perceived nor did their ears hear the footsteps which passed behind. And so he perished.

On reflection, one could say that Boreas was murdered by the patriarchy.

[Umpire's note: The law of diminishing point-returns is now coming into force...]

El-Ahrairah reports:

Athena reports: I was walking about having just resurrected, saw Katy and Alex Hibbert walking along, snuck up behind them and murdered them both with one shot. :)

Get Seth for war reports:

[20:30] Hades, God of the Underworld (Alexander Hardwick) and his beloved Euridicheep (Kate Lowe) are both summarily gunned down, without even so much as a Trigger Warning (Freddie Brewer)! Their killer then heads off to end Famine (Daniel James (Dan))

Trigger Warning reports:

Trigger Warning: death, blood, guts and gore, may be upsetting to people who have recently been shot in the back.

Cycling to a society meeting, I packed my weapon in case of trouble en route, hopefully the sort of trouble started by my. To my delight, I chanced upon umpire + fiance on King's Parade, and duly shot both in the back. Since I'd stopped off near Pembroke, I thought I'd go and have a go at G staircase. No one was in, but Dan James was returning from formal for some reason as I came out. Not having learnt my lesson from last term, I didn't check his name before shooting him, but fortunately this time I had it right.

Anyway, I'm the first one to kill the umpire. TROLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Hades, God of the Underworld reports: What an appalling day in the Underworld! I was just strolling along, minding my own business and devising some particularly vicious eternal torments for the souls of the damned, when someone charges up and shoots me in the back. How rude! Now I'm dead, so I have to endure my own passport control queues into Acheron.

[Umpire's note: A quick reminder to all players that killing the Umpire does not win you any points.]

Euridicheep reports: Euridicheep was completely unaware of the sly fox that is Trigger Warning as she and her fiance had an evening stroll tonight. She received a firm hit from a nerf gun on the back at about 20:30. She was rather cheerful about it all though, and laughed as she was shot.

[21:30] Tinker Tailor Soldier Trump (Alexis de Vivenot) kills Poseidon't have a pseudonym so the Umpire chose this one (Samuel Kittle). Again.

Tinker Tailor Soldier Trump reports: Had a knife fight with Sam Kittle after his resurrection, again in Christ's First Court - a daring and desperate throw led to his forlorn corpse lying on the stones in a pool of blood...

[Umpire's note: The law of diminishing point-returns is now coming into force...]

Poseidon't have a pseudonym so the Umpire chose this one reports:

[21:30] Rajesh Kai (Matt Kaye) is working on a miracle cure for Pestilence (Ben Mortishire-Smith), having already killed Death (Hary Sarson)

Rajesh Kai reports:

After having been enlightened as to the start of the assassins game when I was rudely killed in a knife battle at lunch, along with my ally Cyriac who had been in an exam when the announcement email arrived, I armed myself, prepared for the evening battle. Before formal, I shot Harry Sarson, unaware that he was dead from the battle of G staircase that afternoon, but later managed to pursue him up a staircase after he left his formal for an ill-planned toilet break, and shot him on the second floor. As I returned to my dinner, I bumped into Ben-Mortishire Smith on his way to choir and shot him too (he agreed after a discussion of the rules that he wanted to count it as a valid kill, making it a nice revenge for the lunchtime). Exiting the college bar later, I also shot Dan James, but unfortunately he was just another walking corpse. The battle of Cindies looks set to still take place, however, if Harry reanimates by 12:30 on the dance floor.

[Umpire's note: After the earlier (annulled) kill on Harry Sarson, several other players seem to have killed him. I am trying to find out the order in which events took place, and will award points as appropriate in the very near future.]

Pestilence reports:

[22:30] Athena (Kim Ward) is using her powers again, this time on Katarina (Peter Rugg)

Athena reports: And now Peter Rugg is once again dead after I dressed up as Kindred and gave him a death-touch from behind while he was concentrating on a card game.

Katarina reports: Kim just killed me in the churchill games room wearing what I think was a panda costume. I'm not feeding: just incompetent. Planning on getting some kills tomorrow...

[Umpire's note: Quite right. You shouldn't feed wild pandas: they might try to kill you.]

[23:20] Murder in the Dungeon(s and Dragons)! Assassiny McAssassinface (Sean Thor Herron) kills Cyamites (Zheneng Xie)

Assassiny McAssassinface reports:

Cyamites reports: It was in the middle of a D&D game, we were a band of adventurers exploring the dark depths of a mysterious castle while building trust and friendship. But alas, at around 23:20 a cold splash against my side informed of betrayal in real life by only just resurrected Assassiny McAssassinface. A cunning maneuver, exploiting my lack of knowledge of his exact time of death.

Thursday, 9 June

[00:00] An epic duel takes place at midnight on Olympus (...oh, all right then, Castle hill), with Athena (Kim Ward) defeating Boreas (Alexander (Alex) Hibbert)

Athena reports:

After darkness had long set, and as the hour of night's middle approached, I clothed myself in black and gold finery and took up my blades and flame, preparing to journey west towards Castle Mound for my duel with the North Wind himself. Mindful of what the porters might think if they saw me leaving in full duelling attire with two foam swords and a cardboard replica Olympic torch, I snuck out a side route rather than risk the main gate and traipsed off to the duel site.

Boreas and I met under the calm, clear gaze of stars, and agreed - lightsabers against blade and flame; futures against past and present. The battle began.

Learning within about ten seconds that the torch was pretty useless in a swordfight, I threw it to the ground and fought one-weaponly. He took off my left hand with a skillful manoeuvre, but I fight just as well with my right. I took his right hand and forced him to drop one sabre.

Our duel continued, punctuated by occasional shouts of encouragement from the audience we had managed to attract (even though it was midnight and the area we were fighting in wasn't exactly populous), but by some combination of luck and skill I took his remaining arm and then gleefully ran him through.

Boreas reports:

Tartarus held me not long, and when I was released, ascending up into the world, I contemplated on my error. Where had I gone wrong? Surely it was not in my choice of allies, for they proved worthy and strong. Nor in my own strength, for it is mighty. Nay, I resolved, it must merely have been a moment of weakness, one which would not be repeated.

Bearing that ideal in mind, I challenged my slayer to a duel to the death, as the clock struck midnight on the hill which towers over Cambridge. She agreed to our battle, and we met a few hours before that crucial time, on a warm evening after a hot day. Regrettably, the presence of some rather unsavoury characters who had also taken it upon themselves to be at Castle Mound at midnight, and so our duel was relocated to a grassed area in its shadow. We drew our weapons- her with a torch of fire and a sword, for my part, two sabers of purest light.

Long was our struggle, repleat with dashes. At first, it seemed her torch with its superior reach might outmatch me, as it leaped towards me with tongues of fire. But Tyche looked on me favourably, and her weapon failed in her grasp, leaving it useless. Taking advantage of her weakened flank, I removed one arm. Wounding, it seems, merely made her more dangerous. A minute passed before I also sustained a gaping wound on my dominant hand, leaving me to struggle on with the latter. I pressed with a flurry of blows, but alas- although my weapon had the greater range, her guard warded her hand, an innovation which I lacked. And so, my demise came not from a sword through the chest, but instead by the tiniest of nicks on my hand causing me to drop my blade at the critical moment. It was all my foe needed to dismember and dispatch me back to the realm of banished Titans and fallen gods.

I shall escape once more, and vow revenge.

[00:16] Horse of Troy (Lewis Jones) is up to his usual tricks, sneaking into accommodation to kill Helen of Troy (Irina Savova) - but vengeance is secured by Paris, Son of King of Troy (Sam Twist)

Horse of Troy reports: 12:16 After a long, but ultimately uneventful evening of siege before the gates of The Four Horsemen, The Hit Squad of Troy disbanded. Horse of Troy, frustrated by the lack of fatality, sneaks around Helen and Paris, subtly infiltrating their home ahead of their return. Helen of Troy enters and is slain by a hail of band-fire from Horse of Troy, who had been lying in wait, out of sight. Paris, Son of King of Troy ambles into the fray, unaware of the situation and is hit by a throwing knife from the corner. Horse of Troy, thinking his adversary to be dead, begins gathering his weapons from the debris. However, as the action subsides, it quickly becomes apparent that Paris suffers only a flesh wound to the arm when Paris cocks a pistol and shoots Horse in the chest using his unscathed arm.

Helen of Troy reports:

Paris, Son of King of Troy reports: The Corpus Troy gang had just concluded and evening of unsuccessful hunting. Horse of Troy (Lewis Jones) went home, and I and Helen of Troy (Irina Savova) went back to her chambers. Upon entering the building, we discovered that the dastardly Horse of Troy had run the long way round to get there before us. His first shot took Helen of Troy in the back. Simultaneously, a handful of throwing knives flew across the space between us, one taking me in the arm. He, thinking it all over and every body killed, began clearing up the resulting debris. However, I had only been hit in one arm; I used my remaining limb to cock my weapon and unloaded into his chest. I, Paris, Son of King of Troy, had avenged my lover Helen. I carried her corpse into her chambers and she promptly fell asleep, probably resulting in a very late kill report.

It was a glorious day of betrayal and revenge. The residents of Trinity and Pembroke survived this day, but not the next.

[00:30] Rajesh Kai (Matt Kaye) dances with Death (Harry Sarson)...and manages to kill him into the bargain!

Rajesh Kai reports: Harry Sarson and I had a huntdown in Cindies which ended in me shooting him at 00:30am.

Death reports: At 12:30 in cindes me and Matt were dancing together as you do, and when the time came for me to come alive [in a dancing sense!? - AH] we both began a quite serial game of cat and mouse in cindes which unfortunately ended in my death.

[11:10] Dr Hannibal Lecter (Samuel Mackey) kills Hades, God of the Underworld (Alexander Hardwick)

Dr Hannibal Lecter reports:

Hades, God of the Underworld reports: Oi.

[12:09] Athena (Kim Ward) commits a rather large oversight for a so-called goddess of wisdom, killing Get Seth for war (Katy Darwent) and then bringing down two unfortunate innocents!

Athena reports: Skulking around King's Parade, I caught Katy Darwent once more and murdered her. Then I saw a flash of orange and green and white - someone was carrying a waterpistol up the street! Cyriac it must be. I crept up behind him and shot him, along with his highly suspicious Sainsburys bag carrying partner for good measure. But alas, both were innocent. And one was not bearing. Oops.

[Umpire's note: Oops indeed. Kim is not penalised for killing the gun-bearing innocent; however, there is now a 5-point additional bounty on Kim's head, with effect from 9am on Friday 10th June.]

Get Seth for war reports:

[12:10] The TRUMPINATOR (Christopher Bowring) goes "Trumping" with Tailor Soldier Trump (Alexis de Vivenot), killing Veles (Dimitrije Erdeljan)

The TRUMPINATOR reports:

Walking along, knocking on a few doors. NICE DAY.

Door opened. BAD MOVE.

Veles shot. GOOD.

Tinker Tailor Soldier Trump reports:

Hi there,

Was out on a hunt for targets this morning with Chris (the TRUMPINATOR); generally very unproductive as nobody was in. However, our perseverance was rewarded when the chap in I6 in Trinity (Dimitrije Erdeljan) opened his door to be greeted with Chris' rubber bands, not his friends. Well tried, well died.

Tinker Tailor Soldier Trump

P.S - any points for accomplicing? :P ['fraid not. Nice try though.]

Veles reports: Someone knocked on my door around 12:10. I forgot there are assassins after me, opened the door and got shot.

[13:00] Death (Harry Sarson) comes for Johannes (Cyriac Cyriac)

Death reports: killed Cyriac at 1pm today, just before helping Matt Kaye to kill Samuel who had been holed up in my room for about an hour earlier.

Johannes reports:

[13:45] Dr Hannibal Lecter (Samuel Mackey) is outwitted by his slightly loose trousers. Oh, and by Rajesh Kai (Matt Kaye)

Rajesh Kai reports:

Between 1:30 and 2pm today, when assassins William Grace and Harry Sarson appeared to be coming after me, we ended up teaming up to kill a foreign assassin who'd come for us. Not entirely sure of his name, but he had a light blue shirt, black curly hair. Samuel Mackey? He mentioned having tried to get into John's earlier.

Dr Hannibal Lecter reports:

I left Queens' for some fun at 1100 and quickly proceeded to shoot the Umpire. A good omen I thought. Apparently not. I spent the next hour being defeated by various locked rooms/staircases before proceeding to Pembroke and the well named "bowels of hell." Foolishly I thought I could defeat the four horsemen singlehandedly. I survived this encounter but spent the next forty minutes holed up in Harry Sarson's room while waiting for an arm to grow back. After discovering my besiegers had left at some point during this interval, I left the room and spied Dan James leaving. I made pursuit but was unfortunately defeated by Pembroke's locked exits (again). Resigning myself to another joyless day, I turned to leave but was almost immediately attacked by Matt Kaye. My triad was significantly outgunned by his revolver and slightly loose trousers prevented a swift getaway. Thus my attempt to clean out the hive of Pembroke college ended at 1330. To add insult to injury, Harry then shot me in the back as vengeance for blocking him out of his room earlier.

[16:06] vampire squash (Mark Cooper) kills an increasingly paranoid Katarina (Peter Rugg)

vampire squash reports: At 16:06 I killed Peter Rugg in the Churchill college Games Room.

Katarina reports: I spent the day paranoidly watching out for Kim with my trusty knife-pen when Mark Cooper shot me with a jolt pistol, again in the Churchill games room.

[17:07] ...aaaand follows it up by murdering Poseidon't have a pseudonym so the Umpire chose this one (Samuel Kittle)

vampire squash reports: At 17:07 I killed Samuel Kittle outside Sainsbury's.

Poseidon't have a pseudonym so the Umpire chose this one reports: Was shot outside Sainsburies by Mark Copper

[17:15] Apollo (Twm Stone) starts finding the mark with his arrows, bringing down Death (Harry Sarson), Pestilence (Ben Mortishire-Smith), Frozone (Ben Weber) and Hemi-Demi-Semigod (Christopher Giles Martin) in a swift killing spree

Apollo reports:

After getting off to an *ahem* inauspicious start the previous day, I decided to take the fight back to the Pembroke mafia. I exchanged small arms fire for a couple of minutes with Harry Sarson, before making a charge, wielding a water pistol in my left and a nerf gun in my right, and quickly dispatching him in his kitchen.

On my way out of the staircase I saw Ben MS pass by the glass entrance. I accidentally shot my gun in my haste to get out, hitting myself in the face. I continued regardless with my newly reloaded water gun, taking out Ben before he could escape.

Finally leaving the college, I found Ben Weber and gave chase. Traffic outside was heavy so we reconvened on Free School Land, taking out his leg with a pistol before soaking him whilst unable to escape.

After my previous spell of good luck, I decided to have a go at killing Chris Martin, who I thought I'd recognise from the last May Week. I wandered around for some time before tailing someone into East Court. My attempt to pretend to be a female from upstairs somewhat ruined by my failure to raise the pitch of my voice, I admitted to being an assassin and challenged him to try and kill me. He brought a large multi dart weapon out and forced me retreat, but both that and my band gun jammed, leaving me to draw my backup gun and shoot him in the chest at meleƫ range.

Death reports: At quarter past 5 Tom killed me along with Ben Ms after a short fire fight.

Pestilence reports:

Frozone reports:

Word on the street is that the Four Horsemen gang is hiding out in [COLLEGE REDACTED]. I cannot let these crooks bring apocalyptic chaos to another town, time to put the freeze on their activities! The Freeze-scanner on my wrist indicated that one of the gang, Pestilence, had become separated from the others and was hiding out in a room on the other side of [COLLEGE REDACTED]. He'd be the best one to target first, as a battle with one is easier to finish before the other three come up behind than a battle with three before the other one comes up behind. I hid in the toilet next to his room, with my ear to the wall to determine if he was in (this'll work on my room to, by the way!). I heard someone talking on the phone, then leaving. I let them go, then followed at a distance, confident they'd head to the others. After a while I found him limping along, his chest covered in bullet wounds, then he collapsed. I went over to him, when I became aware of another figure, stalking us both. Dressed like a Greek god for some reason.

I lured the figure away to a nearby gennel where no collateral damage would occur in the event of a fight, when he made his move. Somehow he kept dodging just out of range of my ice. Suddenly a bullet ripped through my knee, severing various tendons, and in the confusion he ran up and attacked with a flame-thrower full of Greek fire. "Consider this a message." He smirked as he walked away.

Hemi-Demi-Semigod reports:

I, the Hemi-Demi-Semigod, muse on my fate as I rot in the underworld. If only, when I had deduced that Apollo himself was hunting me, I had gone for the sword and sidearm rather than the flashy antique Halo Needler... Alas, after a long period of misfires and confusion, I lay dead on the floor, Apollo standing on my corpse. At least he forgot to lock the underworld gates...

[19:02] Paris, Son of King of Troy (Sam Twist) kills Horse of Troy (Lewis Jones). Hope you're all enjoying these Trojan shenanigans - they go on for another 10 years y'know...

Paris, Son of King of Troy reports: 19:02 Killed Lewis Jones

[Umpire's note: Impressively pithy. Perhaps Homer could learn a thing or two here...]

Horse of Troy reports: Paris, Son of King of Troy shoots Horse of Troy in the back when he is assuming truce status to be reinstated, how foolish...

[19:15] CHASE SCENE! I love a good chase scene. vampire squash (Mark Cooper) chases down El-Ahrairah (Daniel Chiverton), with the help of Athena (Kim Ward)

Hades, God of the Underworld reports: El-Ahrairah was pursued through a college and out through the porters' lodge. Daniel slowed down upon seeing a porter approaching, after which he was immediately shot by Mark and then by Kim.

Consequently, I annulled the kill. I would like to take this opportunity to remind all players that:

a)The Guild is worth more than any individual kill(s). If there is any danger that assassin activities will upset porters, players should always halt any assassin activities, preferably by explicitly declaring a timeout, and depart peacefully. The Umpire will in general annul any results that leave players disadvantaged as a result of porter interference.

b)The onus is on attacking players to find a safe and sensible location in which to launch their ambush.

El-Ahrairah reports:

[20:20] Several pantheons clash at the TCSU garden party: Athena (Kim Ward) kills Flying Spaghetti Monster (Jared Jeyaretnam), Veles (Dimitrije Erdeljan) kills Athena (Kim Ward) and finally vampire squash (Mark Cooper) kills Veles (Dimitrije Erdeljan)

Athena reports:

I just stabbed Jared Jeyaretnam at a garden party after he threatened Mark with a Jolt (an illicit weapon in that zone anyway). Dimitrye then stabbed me. Mark duelled Dimitrye and won because laser swords are OP. :)

Flying Spaghetti Monster reports:

Today I made an attempt on Mark Cooper's life, chasing him down at an open air cinema - but unfortunately he spotted me and escaped, my nerf dart missing him by inches. He then alerted a fellow assassin, Kim Ward, who crept up behind me and stabbed me at 8:15pm - the second death so far.

Not a minute later, my lifeless body was stabbed by Dmitrije Erdeljan. However, Dmitrije spotted Kim ward, and managed to kill her undetected. Finally, Mark Cooper returned and fought Dmitrije, emerging victorious from this bloody 4-way confrontation.

Hopefully my assassin skills will improve!

Veles reports:

vampire squash reports:

At about 20:20 at the TCSU garden party I pointed Jared Jeyaretnam out to Kim, Jared came after me with a nerf gun (which, of course, is not a licit weapon at a garden party), I ran away and then Kim told me she had stabbed Jared and I returned. We went to get food and Kim then informed me she was dead. I looked around and then saw Dimitrije Erdeljan talking to Jared. He threw a knife, which missed me (but thrown knives are projectiles anyway). We then has an inequitable battle involving me with a laser sword against him with a knife, culminating in his demise at about 20:25.

[23:20] Johannes (Cyriac Cyriac) meets his Death (Harry Sarson) again, along with Pestilence (Ben Mortishire-Smith)

Death reports: I killed Cyriac again just now, with the help of pestilence we crept up on him as he returned from late night revision. After killing him we wished him the best for his last exams tommorrow and continued on his way.

Johannes reports:

Friday, 10 June

[00:18] Happy birthday Helen of Troy (Irina Savova)! Have a knife from Horse of Troy (Lewis Jones)

Horse of Troy reports: With Paris previously killed by Helen of Troy at an unknown time, Horse of Troy takes the opportunity to knife Helen discretely at her own birthday celebration

Helen of Troy reports:

[08:30] Pestilence (Ben Mortishire-Smith) teaches Johannes (Cyriac Cyriac) a lesson in basic hygiene

Pestilence reports: Killed Cyriac leaving college for his last exam. That's why you should wash your hands, kids - disease can strike at any time.

Johannes reports:

[10:48] vampire squash (Mark Cooper) kills Flying Spaghetti Monster (Jared Jeyaretnam)

vampire squash reports: Today at 10:48 I saw Jared Jeyaretnam as I was leaving the Wolfson building. As I fumbled for my Jolt, Jared saw me and began to flee. I fired one shot which missed, and ran after him. He took out his Jolt and shot at me, missing, and I fired with my Triad, taking out both his arms. I finished him off by stabbing him.

Flying Spaghetti Monster reports: It seems Mark Cooper is rapidly becoming my arch-enemy - at 10:50 today, on my way back to my room, I came across him leaving my building. I turned tail and fled, giving me time to pull out my pistol, but my first shot missed. Before I had time to reload, Mark had shot both of my shoulders, leaving me defenceless and "unarmed", before he executed me with a shot to the chest.

[12:45] Out of the frying pan, into the fire for Bacon (Conrad Allison), killed by Boreas (Alexander (Alex) Hibbert), who is then shot down by vampire squash (Mark Cooper)

Boreas reports: Hot days... warm nights... struggling masses... endless conflict... striding out... spotted friends... greeted friends... on guard... friends guide... people out... new door... open wide... person on bed... shoot man... man dies... exeunt college... farewell allies... King's Parade... foe spotted... knives out... knives flew... knives missed... gun drawn... draw mine... draw mine?!... too late... Tartarus calls...

Bacon reports:

vampire squash reports: At 12:56 on Trumpington Street Alex Hibbert threw two pens at me, missing, I shot him fatally with a nerf gun.

[13:15] Tinker Tailor Soldier Trump (Alexis de Vivenot) is out on the Trump again, this time killing Veles (Dimitrije Erdeljan)

Tinker Tailor Soldier Trump reports: Stabbed him today at lunch at 1315.

Veles reports: Got stabbed during lunch, at 13.15.

[13:30] Katarina (Peter Rugg) is deprived of both lunch and life by Athena (Kim Ward)

Athena reports: After agreeing to a truce with Katarina so we could both get some food, I headed over to the college barbecue with blade in pocket as I don't trust him one bit. Sure enough, after some friendly waving and sitting down to eat, he sneaks up behind me with knife out and I run him through with the sword for the attempted treachery.

Katarina reports: I was trying to sneak up behind Kim with a knife-pen at the Churchill barbecue but she killed me with a laser sword.

[13:45] Bounties available! For today's comedy break, Charon's More Efficient Alternative (Michael Warman) indulges in some 20th-century public-school humour

Charon's More Efficient Alternative reports:

I shall award one roll of toilet paper to the first person to successfully cosh their opponent unconscious with a plunger. I care not whether they then finish their opponent or leave them to their shame (the winner may elect to have the toilet roll delivered to their victim as a booby prize). Why, you may ask, am I placing this bounty? Well stop asking that and get on with plunger bashing your foes.

Charon's More Efficient Alternative

[The Umpire would like to remind all players to remain aware of basic, erm, common sense and hygiene?]

[14:00] Vengeance for Cyamites (Zheneng Xie), who shoots down Assassiny McAssassinface (Sean Thor Herron)

Cyamites reports: When strolling back from Sainsbury's at around 14:00 I spotted Assassiny McAssassinface on the other side of Bridge Street. I then proceeded across the road and unloaded 3 (rubber band) bullets into his chest. Revenge is mine.

Assassiny McAssassinface reports:

[16:16] Apollo (Twm Stone) is unleashing the indiscriminate arrow-plague again! This time, he brings down Artemis (Clara Ding), Yajnavalkya (Alessandro Mariani), Echo (Karolina Hes), Death (Harry Sarson) and War (William Grace (Will)), before this afternoon's mayhem is finally ended by Pestilence (Ben Mortishire-Smith)

Apollo reports:

I met with Athena (Kim Ward) outside Magdalen, which we explored to no avail, but knowing there was a garden party Artemis was due to attend we took the shortcut into St. John's College and lay in wait for a couple of minutes before I sprang out and struck her down with a laser sword. Knowing that Yajnavalkya was likely to attend another event shortly, I camped outside his accommodation for a while, but eventually realised that people in the building had identified me and retreated to a further away place to intercept him, which I did after a few minutes. He died to my water gun, cornered but returning fire admirably.

After missing No-one leaving her room by mere minutes, I moved onto King's, with Echo falling for my ruse and dying to a band gun shot to the chest. I popped into Queens' main site to (yet again) burst into Mikaela's room when she wasn't there, missing her by minutes on her way to London, before returning my attention to Pembroke.

Creeping through the courts, I spied several horsemen of the apocalypse constructing a cardboard boat, and I hid behind a fence. Waiting until they seemed particularly engrossed, I burst out of my hiding place, jumping over a hedge before realising that there were in fact some innocents there as well - in my hesitation to identify which of them I should not shoot, Pestilence managed to run into the staircase but Death and War were not so lucky, and I struck them down with a single line of water. We then had a chat, before I let my guard down and Pestilence opened the door to shoot me with his very large water weapon.

Artemis reports:

Yajnavalkya reports:

Echo reports:

Death reports:

War reports:

Just a quick one to say that I, War, and Death were most violently squirted [!???? - AH] by one Apollo at 1709 whilst we were enjoying the sunshine. Thankfully the four horsemen obtained their revenge swiftly at the hands of Pestilence.

Pestilence reports:

On this sunny afternoon, the other horsemen and I were going about our normal business on the lawn, when a great clatter arose and Apollo came charging around a corner, where he had concealed himself without our knowing. He dispatched War and Death with a quick spray, but missed me in his hurry, and I dashed inside the staircase, grabbing the closest weapon to hand, which happened to be our brand new long-range Apocalypse-O-matic 3000. A brief standoff, me inside and him outside the door, before he let his guard down for a second and I pounced.

[17:30] ...aand as an encore, Pestilence (Ben Mortishire-Smith) infects Rajesh Kai (Matt Kaye)...

Pestilence reports: Rajesh Kai walked past. I dashed across a champagne party and shot him. Hi mum.

Rajesh Kai reports:

[18:00] ...followed soon after by Johannes (Cyriac Cyriac)

Pestilence reports: Johannes and I faced each other down on a staircase. He was armed with a small blade, I a gun. The gun won.

Johannes reports:

[18:40] Tinker Tailor Soldier Trump (Alexis de Vivenot) seems to hold all the Trump cards over Poseidon't have a pseudonym so the Umpire chose this one (Samuel Kittle)

Tinker Tailor Soldier Trump reports:

Poseidon't have a pseudonym so the Umpire chose this one reports:

[19:00] Charon's More Efficient Alternative (Michael Warman) wants to make absolutely sure that there are no Curtis Reubenses in Cambridge...

Charon's More Efficient Alternative reports:

While loitering in Sainsbury's at 7 this evening, I spotted ex-umpire Curtis Reubens wander in. Quickly turning away and pulling my hat low, I tried frantically to remember the rules on combat in Sainsbury's [As with any other shop: no-projectile in general, but OoB in the vicinity of the checkout/checkout queues - AH]. I concluded it was probably out of bounds [Always a good policy if unsure - AH]. I then spent a few minutes cursing the internet on my phone, which declined repeatedly to show me the players list. I took a leap of faith that he was. Following him at great distance into the self service, I thought I had lost him until I realised he was crouching down below the shelves for reasons unknown, and had to swerve off to the side to avoid tripping over him and making my presence spectacularly known. I waited. When he'd finished, I made to follow him, and was a tad dismayed to see him literally running from the shop, looking extra-shifty. I quietly chased him, and caught him in the next street, subtly stabbing him between the shoulder blades. He then told me he was not playing. Oops.

Charon's More Efficient (And Careless) Alternative

[Umpire's note: there is now a 5-point additional reward going for the next kill of Michael Warman, valid from 9am on Saturday 11th until someone claims it. Don't kill innocents, kids.]

Curtis Reubens reports:

19:07 - stabbed in the back outside QH Smith's.

Clearly my reputation precedes me

Boreas (Alexander (Alex) Hibbert) reports:

TBF, I would also have stabbed you

[20:15] Zeus walks into a bar. Merkel pays. (Hani El-Bay) And, to complete the selection of EU member nations, Flying Spaghetti Monster (Jared Jeyaretnam) dies

Zeus walks into a bar. Merkel pays. reports:

O Great Umpire, [Flattery is always appreciated - AH]

Jared Jareyatnem just knocked on my door brandishing a nerf gun. Having seen him spying on me in the gyp room earlier, I knew it would be him, so was myself armed. Following an exchange of fire, both of which missed, I picked up his expended ammunition which happened to fit my identical gun, and shot defenceless Jared as he cowered in a doorway. Given that we live on the same corridor, along with another assassin, this may be a frequent occurrence.

Yours truly,

"Zeus walks into a bar. Merkel pays."

Flying Spaghetti Monster reports:

[22:30] Rajesh Kai (Matt Kaye) kills Famine (Daniel James (Dan))

Rajesh Kai reports: Was wandering through Pembroke at night and chanced across Dan James (around 10pm possibly, perhaps up to 11, it's hard to recall) so I shot him without resistance

Famine reports:

[22:44] Apollo (Twm Stone) rudely interrupts Tinker Tailor Soldier Trump (Alexis de Vivenot)'s quiet evening in

Apollo reports: Upon receiving intelligence that Alexis de Vivenot was in [REDACTED] after a hard night's drinking at [REDACTED], I ran in and stabbed him and Samuel Kittle (who turned out to already be dead) in quick succession. His last words - 'I was going to betray you anyway but now I'm going to betray you even harder!!'

Tinker Tailor Soldier Trump reports: Was killed last night by treacherous weasel Twm Stone in the Christ's bar. Revenge will be had, by Trump!

Saturday, 11 June

[11:35] Flying Spaghetti Monster (Jared Jeyaretnam) strikes a blow for Pastafarianism, bringing down Veles (Dimitrije Erdeljan)

Flying Spaghetti Monster reports: Just now, at 11:34, I came across Dmitrije Erdeljan entering an elevator in my building. I surprised and cornered him in the elevator, fatally shooting him in the chest while he stood defenceless. Hopefully this kill is the start of a successful murder spree.

Veles reports: Shot by Flying Spaghetti Monster at 11.40.

[13:48] Tinker Tailor Soldier Trump (Alexis de Vivenot) seems to enjoy insulting his political/assassin opponents, double-killing with Boreas (Alexander (Alex) Hibbert)

Tinker Tailor Soldier Trump reports:

Was just now (1348 hrs) set upon in the street outside Sainsbury's by one Alex Hibbert. Despite being armed with a gun, several knives and the element of surprise (your humble narrator having only a single knife on hand), the nincompoop [Now now, Trumpy. Be nice. - AH]missed his first and most crucial shot, with a flung knife going similarly awry. I gave speedy chase (much to the shock of tourists and other onlookers) and stabbed him in the gut as he himself turned and delivered a fatal blow of his own with one of his remaining knives. What could have been a textbook ambush was lowered to the level of a messy double-kill. Tut-tut. Well tried, well died.

Still, I'm not complaining, it was particularly cinematic.

Boreas reports:

Gods in the form of mortals stride among men. Those who have eyes perceive them, but those who lack them do not. And so it was that most of the street outside Sidney College stood amazed, as a man with a toupee who thought himself a god pursued an actual god, to their mutual ends.

It began, as these things often-times do, with a summoning. Pestilence required a little cross-pantheon assistance spreading terror and disease through the population of Cambridge. Boreas, North Wind, would and could use his power, nudging a little here and a little there, such that the plague might run rife through the town. They had agreed to materalise outside the central supermarket, Sainsbury's, there to work in concert for disaster and, perhaps, death (Death sadly being under-represented at this time).

Boreas arrived first, breezing in on a gust of cold air. He looked around. Crowds, crowds of mortals enjoying the bright sunshine. Truth be told, it was a poor time to be the North Wind. The Cambridge climate had turned yet again, and warmth was the order of the day. Even so, Boreas still had sufficient influence in this place to maintain his appearance as a mortal. He smiled into the crowd, and a soft, cold breeze gently touched each heart.

As he stood near a rack for those devices which the cattle of the earth ride, and curse the faithless winds which bear them not forward, but back, amidst the bubble of idle conversation which is the hallmark of humanity, he heard it. "Wow. Whoa. I know- now let me tell you what I know. I have friends, I have the best friends, and they- they tell me. They say: Trump, you are like the best at life. So it's not just me. No, no. All of my friends think I'm going- I'm going to win. I'm gonna make Cambridge great again." The noise grew more audible, apparently from a man whose hair resembled a dead animal, talking to himself. "Thank you. Now, I'm not going to kill all the other assassins! I don't do tha- now, I know, I know they're stealing our kills. I have deals with other assassins, I have the best deals, and my assassin friends talk to me, they tell me that they're not going to steal our kills, they're going to share. Now those are the good assassins. But the problem with Cambridge today is that our assassins- they aren't the best. And I'll tell you why." The man continued down the street, apparently oblivious to the presence of a god among men.

Separated from him by a bicycle rack, the North Wind smiled a chill smile, and drew a small pistol from his belt. This hubris- to raise yourself up above a god in your own mind- this would be remedied swiftly. "TRUMP." The sound fell like an axe in the eerily stilled air. In front of him, the man turned, toupee swirling in the wind. Boreas fired a single shot as the man stood there, at last at a loss for words. Satisfied, the son of Astraios made as if to turn away- yet as he glanced back, the fool still stood. His bullet had not found its mark. Swiftly, he drew a knife, and threw it, even as the mortal drew his own, lesser blade. Again, the finely crafted bronze went wild, and the god stood dumbfounded as the man rushed forward.

A voice whispered in Boreas' ear. "Brother, you overstep yourself, coming as you do to my place. I, Notus, make it thus: your weapons shall not find their mark, nor shall you take flight, but rather run, lest this man return you again to Hades. Mayhap the experience will remind you of our agreement." And then the light, hot voice was gone, and Boreas fumbled with his blade as he turned to run.

It ended swiftly afterwards. Trump pursued his ambusher as ran, the crowd parting in his face. "It's always good to be underestimated!" he yelled. Boreas finally freed his second knife from his belt. "I actually don't have a bad hairline!" The god ran a few more steps, shifting the blade in his hand. "My whole life is about winning! I don't lose often. I almost never lose." The man was close behind, and Boreas swirled round, wrath dark upon his face. "Lose now!" He stabbed his blade into the runner's chest, even as a blade was driven into his heart. Trump collapsed on the floor. "The... the wall. Ten... feet... higher." Then his soul left him, leaving only Boreas on the pavement. In the distance, he could see the gates of Tartarus opening again for him. He left the mortal world, again. Four hours lost, but sanity retained.

[14:14] Apollo (Twm Stone) has had enough of EU-related humour, bringing down Zeus walks into a bar. Merkel pays. (Hani El-Bay)

Apollo reports:

Hani deliberately left his door open, prepared for an attack, so when I jumped in he was ready, rolling off his bed and shooting several rounds towards me. Regrettably, they all flew over my head and I regained my composure swiftly enough to release several bands into his chest.

Zeus walks into a bar. Merkel pays. reports:

[18:25] Insert witty remark about Athena (Kim Ward)/span> killing Katarina (Peter Rugg) again. I'm running out.

Athena reports:

Katarina reports:

Kim snuck up behind me in the dining hall and stabbed me with a nerf gun bullet. In my defence she never eats in hall so I was unprepared.

Hopefully this will be my last death before I leave tomorrow :/

[21:00] A combination of Death (Harry Sarson) and War (William Grace (Will)) proves too much for Johannes (Cyriac Cyriac)

Death reports:

After letting my hair down with a [sic] Pembroke m4, a rowing crew so great we weren't allowed to row bumps in case we embarrassed other crews, I came across Johannes. Me and war [sic], who is bow is the for mentioned [sic] rowing crew, gave chace [sic] with me flying across the Pembroke lawn to retrieve my weapon from the bowels of he'll [sic]. After war pinning him down and a couple of missed shots (I blame the port) I shot Johannes, killing the poor man.

On an other notice [sic] the attempts on our staircase have somewhat ceased, I don't want to say I am disappointed but it's getting a bit boring. Samuel Mackey I am looking at you, you need to restore your reputation.

[Umpire's note: Can confirm that this report shows serious signs of hair being let down. Or possibly autocorrect.]

Johannes reports:

[22:30] College bar serves up Bacon (Conrad Allison) for his killer Token Catz Student (James Brotherston)

Token Catz Student reports: Stabbed Conrad Allison last night at 10:30pm in Catz bar.

Bacon reports:

[23:22] Wooden horses are so 1500 BC, so Horse of Troy (Lewis Jones) uses a cardboard boat instead to entrap Paris, Son of King of Troy (Sam Twist) and Helen of Troy (Irina Savova)

Horse of Troy reports:

Whilst building our cardboard boat (hint hint), an odd structural constraint requires Helen of Troy and Paris, Son of King of Troy to support the upturned, rather weighty craft from inside. 30 minutes into their entombment, Horse of Troy finds himself unable to resist the opportunity presented by the situation and lies down beside the boat to make the occupants much more appropriate for their coffin. After a minute or so of blind knife flailing and understandably unsuccessful dodging, Helen and Paris lay slain by Horse of Troy.

Paris, Son of King of Troy reports:

Sunday, 12 June

[11:15] Apollo (Twm Stone) launches an audacious assault on the Umpirical punt, mercilessly gunning down Euridicheep (Kate Lowe)

Apollo reports:

Euridicheep reports:

[13:15] Famine (Daniel James (Dan)) is punished for his Idleness with murder at the hands of Rajesh Kai (Matt Kaye)

Rajesh Kai reports:

Eating brunch when I saw William Grace attempting to sneak up behind me. Upon seeing me reach for my gun he retreated, as he had brought but a knife to the gunfight, and I shot him at his seat (at around 1:15pm). [Kill annulled as college dining halls/butteries are non-projectile - AH] On the way out of brunch, me and a friend saw Dan James, appearing to have just left the Idlers Garden party, so I pursued and shot him before he could react (1:30pm)

Famine reports:

[14:30] Many, many things happen at the Cardboard Trireme Race... Apollo (Twm Stone) guns down Tinker Tailor Soldier Trump (Alexis de Vivenot), War (William Grace (Will)) and Hades, God of the Underworld (Alexander Hardwick) before his streak is eventually ended by moonquakes (Katie Gibson). Pestilence (Ben Mortishire-Smith) brings down Horse of Troy (Lewis Jones) and Paris, Son of King of Troy (Sam Twist), then kills The TRUMPINATOR (Christopher Bowring), before vengeance is claimed by Helen of Troy (Irina Savova). Death (Harry Sarson) strikes a blow for the Four Horsemen by killing Helen of Troy (Irina Savova), and subsequently takes down Athena (Kim Ward) too - then Tinker Tailor Soldier Trump (Alexis de Vivenot) kills him.

Pestilence reports:

Having received a (hardly surprising) tipoff that some assassins would be found at the race, my friends and I were on a state of high alert throughout the afternoon. While tinkering with the {horsemen+ally} and putting the finishing touches to a certain cardboard vehicle, I spied two familiarly shifty faces passing by, and while I was trying to decide whether I genuinely recognised them, they made eye contact and beat a hasty retreat. When Sam Twist and Lewis Jones returned later carrying armfuls of paddles, I was ready and waiting with Death on lookout and they were dispatched at once with two jets of water.

Continuing our nautical modifications, none other than Chris Bowring was spied, building his own boat in the neighbouring dry-dock. I wasn't sure whether he had noticed me or my friends directly adjacent to him, but at rate we struck pre-emptively, and his boat was figuratively then one man short of a full crew."

Catching us by surprise, Irina Savova (plz correct name if wrong) caught me with a bullet to the chest, having witnessed me kill her friends Sam and Lewis. Death standing next to me was quick on the draw so it didn't end well for her either

Harry kills an anonymous assassin - we didn't actually know his name but he was definitely playing as he tried to retaliate, laughed and said 'you got me' or something to that effect - hopefully he'll send in his own report but if not we can describe what he looked like [I'm on the case - AH]. In the most opportunistic of kills, Death spied another assassin on the river who we just happened to be floating past at the time. He seized the water gun we had in our vessel, and drenched the neighbouring sea dog in a magnificent display of naval warfare.

Paris, Son of King of Troy reports:

Predicted a win in the cardboard boat race... Received Pestilence and 3rd place instead!

"When I saw your face, in a crowded place" I knew I was going to die

"You're pestilence, you're pestilence...."

No Blunt objects involved, water pistoled on the banks of the river at approximately 2pm

Died alongside the Horse of Troy, avenged by Bae (Helen of Troy)

Horse of Troy reports:

Whilst carrying supplies for our boat - and with no free hands to reach for a weapon - Horse of Troy and Paris, Son of King of Troy were gunned down by Pestilence.

Helen of Troy reports:

I would like to report a killing that occurred at the cardboard boat race. The killing occurred at approximately 2.15. I killed a guy from Pembroke called Ben Smith [Close enough... - AH], but then I got killed by another guy from Pembroke whose name I forgot.

War reports:

whilst watching the cardboard boat race I got stabbed by Twm

Death reports:

Today I rowed in the cardboard boat race. Whilst preparing for the race me and Pestilence spotted some very Shady looking people. They obviously recognised Ben and we're trying to hard to avoid him. Ben approached and as the duo turned to flee killed them.

After killing an other assassin, Ben met his death as assassins defended on the event in startling numbers. Leaping the the belated defence of my fellow horse man I shot the attacker dead.

I then spotted Kim and with the help of moonquakes shot her in the back.

We then lowered our boat into the cam and began to row, and when I say row I mean sink, on our way to the bottom I spotted an other assassin I recognised from a previous attack he made on our staircase. Reaching for the on board water gun I shot the assassin who was rowing in a rival boat.

After sinking, I was busy loading the remains of my bin into the bin lorry when Alex de vivenot crept up on me shooting me dead.

Finally twm appeared shooting Alex only to be shot himself by moonquakes.

moonquakes reports: Shot Twm in the back at 3:00ish as I emerged from the Cam dripping wet, sodden cardboard boat remains in tow.

[14:35] Frozone (Ben Weber) tries using a cone of coldness, but it ends Bacon (Conrad Allison) rather than preserving him. Oops!

Frozone reports: Hi everyone! Just a friendly reminder that Bacon will keep for longer if you freeze it!

Bacon reports:

[15:35] Spaghetti is a dish best served cold, apparently. Flying Spaghetti Monster (Jared Jeyaretnam) kills Zeus walks into a bar. Merkel pays. (Hani El-Bay)

Flying Spaghetti Monster reports:

Dear Umpire,

Today I was attending the TCSS garden party when it started pouring down with rain. Being a sensible person, I was wearing shorts and a t-shirt so decided to return to my room to grab something warmer. On my way, I spotted Hani El-Bay and the dead assassin Juliet Armstrong. Delicately placing my glass of Pimms in a safe spot, I drew my pistol and charged Hani, dispatching him with a single shot at 15:35. Revenge is a dish best served cold (and soaked with rain).



NB: Since I was no longer at the garden party and Hani never attended, I believe projectile weapons are fine.[Correct - AH]

Zeus walks into a bar. Merkel pays. reports:

O great Overlord,

I was unfortunately murdered by Jared Jareyatnam whilst returning from engaging in Union hackery. He spotted me and shot me once in the shoulder, but it was alas fatal. I shall be back.

Hani El-Bay

[17:00] Assassiny McAssassinface (Sean Thor Herron) is surprised and killed by El-Ahrairah (Daniel Chiverton)

El-Ahrairah reports: Killed Sean Herron outside Magdalene today with a pen-knife, he didn't see me coming.

Assassiny McAssassinface reports:

[17:00] A battle event! Exciting! Here are some things that happened...

Hades, God of the Underworld reports:

Having heard accounts of relative performances from those present, I'm awarding the following points:

Boreas (Alexander (Alex) Hibbert) - 24

Charon's More Efficient Alternative (Michael Warman) - 20

Athena (Kim Ward) - 14

Trigger Warning (Freddie Brewer) - 14

Yajnavalkya (Alessandro Mariani) - 10

Apollo (Twm Stone) - 10

Boreas reports:

Despite variable weather, the battle event on Queens' Backs continued as planned. The first event, once all had assembled and weaponry retrieved from the adjacent GeekSoc picnic area, was to retrieve the Golden Apples, guarded by two... guards. After some difficulty, the attacking group of four was able to kill both of the guards and retrieved two of the apples before they resurrected, but alas were unable to find the third apple before the time limit elapsed, granting victory to the defenders.

More people then joined in, allowing four bears to face off against three bear-slayers, with victory going to the slayers after six minutes of intense fighting.

A brief round of Hind-hunting followed- the Hind being a mythical, incredibly fast deer. A stag (Alex Hibbert) was duly nominated, and the hunters arrayed in a rough semi-circle around him. As 'Go!' was called, the Hind duly turned tail and ran in the opposite direction, hands in the air and with his hairband ears held in one hand, closely pursued by Twm Stone. The players less inclined towards the hundred meter sprint rapidly started killing one another. At the other side of the field, realising that Twm's 'ankle injury' was not going to slow him down, the Hind turned at bay, and exchanged a few shots, before running in the opposite direction toward an oncoming Freddie Brewer, who duly ended his pain (although the kill was disputed due to Twm's shots probably having hit the Hind's hind legs, so a duel resolved the matter in Twm's favour).

After this exciting chase, the many-headed hydra (a single individual with any overly powerful watergun and nine lives) faced off against the combined might of everyone else (around seven people), in a wide-ranging battle over the full expanse of Queens' Backs. The long-ranged nerf weapons of Freddie and Michael Warman proved highly useful at providing fire outside the range of the hydra's watergun. Meanwhile, the others flanked or harassed at range, depending on their weaponry, driving the beast into corners. Several excellent flanking manoeuvres were made,keeping the pressure on the monster. Ultimately, it was slain, but not until after accumulating over thirty kills.

A round of walking-only velociraptory was next, with Kim Ward playing the velociraptor, and the idea being that when she killed anyone, they too became a velociraptor. Initially struggling against the superior numbers, the dinosaurian division grew in strength as kills began to be made. The remaining players struggling against the swarm were cornered by the pack, and Freddie was the last to remain alive as the dribbling, surprisingly-fluffy velociraptors moved in.

Food was eaten (appropriately-named 'Timeout' bars), and a lightsaber duel to the death ensued between Alex and Freddie, experimentally allowing touches to the torso only. This proved to extend the fight somewhat, with swift flicks of each lightsaber being deflected by the opponent, until both struggled to lift their saber. In time, however, Alex slipped up, and Freddie was able to end it.

Finally, the golden fleece was unveiled, to be guarded by a dragon (Kim). Each time the dragon was hit, a 'tooth' would drop out, and one of the fleece-hunters would join as a skeleton warrior, until only two remained. At this point, the dragon would drop the fleece and the skeletons cease to respawn. The number of skeletons increased rapidly, until the final shot bought down Kim. The remaining players succeeded in whittling down the skeletons to four, before both dying simultaneously. Resurrection occurred, and eventually the last skeleton returned to the ground. The fleece was retrieved, and the battle event ended.

Trigger Warning reports:

Trigger Warning: Twm. May be upsetting to anyone who's ever met him.

Went to the battle this afternoon, killed a lot of people, died a lot of times. Disc gun had mixed results vs other people's water pistols. Also duel wielding hornet water pistols is fun! Lost to Twm in a water pistol duel, beat Hibbert at lightsabres after lots of dancing around, leapt around dodging Michael's bullets for ages, generally had lots of fun!

[17:15] An epic culinary battle ensues as Flying Spaghetti Monster (Jared Jeyaretnam) murders vampire squash (Mark Cooper)

Flying Spaghetti Monster reports: This garden party continues to pay off - on my return, I came across Mark Cooper heading in the same direction as me. I crept up behind him, shooting him in the back and taking my revenge once again, at 5:15.

vampire squash reports: Today I was killed by Jared Jeyaretnam just inside the entrance to Whewell's Court at 17:15.

[19:15] Euridicheep (Kate Lowe)'s vicious murder spree at the Queens' garden party manages to kill absolutely No-one (Mikaela Belcher)...followed by Dr Hannibal Lecter (Samuel Mackey), which ruins the joke a bit...

Euridicheep reports:

No-one reports:

[19:40] Trigger Warning (Freddie Brewer) kills Token Catz Student (James Brotherston)

Trigger Warning reports:

Trigger Warning: Wreckers of law and order. Communists, Maoists, Trotskyists, neo-Trotskyists, crypto-Trotskyists, union leaders, Communist union leaders, atheists, agnostics, long-haired weirdos, short-haired weirdos, vandals, hooligans, football supporters, namby-pamby probation officers, rapists, papists, papist rapists, foreign surgeons - headshrinkers, who ought to be locked up, Wedgwood Benn, keg bitter, punk rock, glue-sniffers, "Play For Today", Clive Jenkins, Roy Jenkins, Up Jenkins, up everybody's, Chinese restaurants (why do you think Catz is ringed with Chinese restaurants?).

Killed James on the way back from the waterfight. Ha.

Token Catz Student reports:

[21:00] Another rival deity bites the dust, as Apollo (Twm Stone) kills Father Christmas (Juliet Armstrong)

Apollo reports: Killed Juliet 2101. I saw her at Downing Tribal barbecue soon after entry, but she informed me that she was both already dead and unarmed. We then agreed that she would respawn at 9 (since she knew she had died sometime before 5) and I gave her a knife as a fighting chance. Alas, this did not prove to be enough.

Father Christmas reports:

[22:30] Death (Harry Sarson) heads out to Life, but no more life for Rajesh Kai (Matt Kaye)

Death reports:

I am emailing you on my way to life, having just killed Matt Kaye.

Pass my regards to whomever came unsuccessfully to the bowles at 7 pm today.

Rajesh Kai reports:

[23:40] Flying Spaghetti Monster (Jared Jeyaretnam) is on a roll, bringing down Veles (Dimitrije Erdeljan) again

Flying Spaghetti Monster reports: Tonight I came across Dimitrije Erdeljan chatting with some friends outside my accommodation. I decided to shatter the friendly, tranquil atmosphere with a shot to the back, slaying Dimitrije instantly at 23:40.

Veles reports:

Monday, 13 June

[13:42] Can anyone kill Apollo (Twm Stone)!? No-one (Mikaela Belcher)!! ...but not before Apollo brings down Dr Hannibal Lecter (Samuel Mackey)

Apollo reports: Once again I burst into Sam Mackey's room, but this time he was in (and having a lie-in). A shot to the back dealt with that. Since I was in Queens' anyway, I thought I should go and kill Mikaela on the way out, but when I entered the room I foolishly believed her boyfriend when he told me she wasn't in, and then she rudely interrupted our chat by emerging with a NERF Roughcut and shooting me. The cheek!

Dr Hannibal Lecter reports:

No-one reports:

[14:00] Gore at the garden party, as Pestilence (Ben Mortishire-Smith) puts The TRUMPINATOR (Christopher Bowring) to the sword

Pestilence reports: I was at the zoology garden party to provide entertainment in the form of a musical performance when I noticed none other than Chris Bowring in the crowd. My ally moonquakes was standing next to him, blissfully unaware of his presence. Repeatedly making eye contact from a distance, it was clear that one of us would be leaving the party in a body bag. After finishing, I strolled casually past with my friends, before lashing out over the heads of passers-by with my extendable laser sword, which proved long enough to outreach his small switchblade.

The TRUMPINATOR reports:

[18:30] Turns out that projectiles don't work at garden parties/against the North Wind... Boreas (Alexander (Alex) Hibbert) kills Cyamites (Zheneng Xie)

Boreas reports:

I am a GOD! No living MORTAL can best a GOD and so they should FLEE before my AWESOME POWER lest they be ANNIHILATED and TOTALLY DESTROYED. This was APTLY DEMONSTRATED at the garden party for the NATSCIS of MAGDALENE, where BOREAS took at least THREE rubber bands to the chest, before STABBING his attacker in his HEART, killing him with a SHOCKED LOOK on his face.


[Umpire's note: just because you're a god, doesn't give you a licence to abuse capslock]

Cyamites reports:

It was at the Magdalene Science Garden Party when I saw Boreas approaching. I shot him with my rubber band gun, forgetting that Garden Parties are a non-projectile zone. Subsequently I was stabbed through the chest.

[18:30] Flying Spaghetti Monster (Jared Jeyaretnam) dons black tie to bring down Johannes (Cyriac Cyriac) in style

Flying Spaghetti Monster reports: Today while preparing for a May Ball, I spotted Cyriac Cyriac outside my building. I snuck down, tuxedo-clad and looking like a James Bond cosplayer, and shot him in the chest at 18:30. [I don't think I've ever tried putting spaghetti in black tie before... - AH]

Johannes reports:

[19:25] Apollo (Twm Stone) heads out on the kill again, this time slaughtering Poseidon't have a pseudonym so the Umpire chose this one (Samuel Kittle) and Famine (Daniel James (Dan)) until he unexpectedly gets wrapped in the noodly tentacles of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (Jared Jeyaretnam)

Apollo reports: I decided that there was likely to be assassins in the Trinity May Ball queue, which had not been requested to be Out of Bounds, so I carefully swept it just before half 7. Sam Kittle was chatting with friends just outside the Great Gate when I shot him. I saw Mikaela's boyfriend but a paranoid glance at nearby females didn't seem to spot Mikaela, who was standing right there, so I moved further on and shot Dan James. Collecting the spent ammunition and exchanging brief conversation was my undoing, and I did not notice Jared until too late, and he stabbed me in the shoulder.

Poseidon't have a pseudonym so the Umpire chose this one reports:

Flying Spaghetti Monster reports: While waiting in the queue for a May ball, Dan Jones was set upon by Twn Stone. I was too late to save him, as he took a shot to the chest, but since Twm was unaware of my presence I was able to surprise him and stab him in the chest with my penknife. Former Umpires beware. [Noted - AH]

[21:00] Flying Spaghetti Monster (Jared Jeyaretnam) continues to headline the Trinity May Ball queue, bringing down Father Christmas (Juliet Armstrong)

Flying Spaghetti Monster reports: I've also managed to stab Juliet Armstrong after passing her in a May Ball queue.

Father Christmas reports:

[21:20] Frozone (Ben Weber) gives Token Catz Student (James Brotherston) another chilly reception in the bar

Frozone reports: Hi guys! Assassins are coming thick and fast these days, so I decided a sword (I call it chill-blade, because it sounds liike chillblain) would be more effective. It certainly worked its magic on Token Catz Student! What do you mean that's un-superhero like, and what do you mean four hours is an abnormally fast recovery time from when I was shot in the knee and burned with a flamethrower?

Token Catz Student reports: Died at 9:20 pm today to Ben Weber. He stabbed me.

Tuesday, 14 June

[00:00] Another midnight duel between the gods, with Boreas (Alexander (Alex) Hibbert) killing Apollo (Twm Stone)

Boreas reports:

Midnight. Jesus Green, illuminated by lights, but otherwise cold and silent in the depths of night. A flash of the sun, an icy breeze. Two gods stand there, away from the revelry which reigns this night in the town. Apollo, the Destroyer, who has struck dead dozens of men in the past few days, standing against Boreas, the North Wind, who, while weakened in this time of summer, is still a grim and terrible foe. A bow, a word. They take up a duelling stance and ignite their lightsabers. The duel begins.

The first attacks are probing, testing. Apollo's blows are hammers, smashing aside any defense in sweeping arcs. Boreas, nimbly for his age, jabs into the gaps between swings, dancing backwards yet to lunge forwards again. A pause, an exchange of words, and they go at it once more, breathing heavy. In the distance, merry music can faintly be heard. Drunks, passing by the place at this late hour catcall and cheer, oblivious to the stature of these enemies- who they presume to be mere students. More aware, a window opens in a nearby house, and the occupant calls to the gods to move on. Perhaps they fear that one swing of Apollo's sword may yet destroy their petty dwelling. Whatever the cause, these humble deities heed his word, and move to another area of the green.

Swing and swing, dance and stab to parry on the tarmac of this area. Apollo, Bright God begins to tire a little, his arcs of might requiring much more stamina than the quick thrusts of his opponent. A lucky blow, and his right arm useless. No matter- he has been switching between each through the fight. His tactics were honed for the slaying of Titans. The loss of a single limb does nothing to slow him, and he presses the attack, driving Boreas back. But Boreas knows his advantage and, as the flurry of blows lessens, returns the favour. They remain at arm's length for a while. Apollo's lightsaber bounces harmlessly off the warded hand of Boreas as he sweeps in, but Boreas retreats. He advances again. Stab, lunge, arc, impenetrable defence. All too soon, though, a momentary error allows the North Wind's sword to find his foe's other arm. Apollo, the Healer, cannot heal himself in time. A blow to the chest and it is ended- Apollo, not Boreas, will go and abide for a time with Hades.

No doubt he will return.

Apollo reports: I'd beaten Alex Hibbert in several previous duels, and so was confident enough to agree to an impromptu rules-change beforehand - that hand hits not count in lightsaber combat. However, it turns out my flashy style is not best suited for combat strikes on the upper arms or torso, and eventually tiring, my forearms were striken and I numbly accepted my fate.

[11:45] Apollo (Twm Stone) is doing the killy thing again. This is getting boring. He doesn't even send in proper reports. Today's dust-biters areBoreas (Alexander (Alex) Hibbert), Echo (Karolina Hes), Dr Hannibal Lecter (Samuel Mackey), Dr Hannibal Lecter's not-very-good-accomplice room-mate, Johannes (Cyriac Cyriac), moonquakes (Katie Gibson), Token Catz Student (James Brotherston) and Bacon (Conrad Allison)

Apollo reports:

I got up bright and early today and rode my newly-acquired bike to Girton. It took an embarassingly long time before I managed to find the room in question (eventually resorting to a somewhat antique map on the wall outside some offices) but it was in any case in vain because Jazz Catto was nowhere to be seen. Returning via Fitzwilliam did not work out either, as although Freddie's door was unlocked, the safety chain was still engaged and the horrible bang it made alerted him to my presence. It was not before I got back into the centre of town that I had a stroke of luck; noticing Alex Hibbert apparently waiting outside the Round Church, I hastily locked my bike and dueled him across the street - we were both prepared with Triads, but having been on a raid I was fully equiped with other weapons, and taking out a leg with a lucky shot, I then chased him towards the Union and hit him with my water pistol.

I then knocked on Karolina Hes' door - realising it was an assassin after half-opening her door, she no-forced it fixed, so I reached round and hit her with my laser sword. Next on the list was Sam Mackey, who wasn't in his study, but his roommate was, and after asking if it was allowed, shouted to warn him about an approaching assassin. So I shot him, and interrupted Sam's lie-in by shooting him too.

Pembroke once more returning to my attention, I checked everyone's doors, and Cyriac opened his to the promise of 'I'm going today, so do you want free food'. Katie's door was open, and I burst in and shot her with a water-pistol when she was *ahem* somewhat undressed #awkward. I then went back to St Catz, killing James when he was playing Call of Duty (with headphones on and an unlocked door...), and then following that up with another promise of free food from 'Felix' to Conrad, who confessed afterwards that 'I don't even know a Felix, I just wanted free food...'

Boreas reports:

Vengeance. The word which drives people to great and terrible lengths. Today, Apollo sought vengeance upon Boreas for previous death at his hands, and found it.

Boreas had alighted upon a wall, watching the world go by and contemplating mysteries. Up rode Apollo, bright his rainment. Giving him time to stable his horse, Boreas drew his weapon, a trusty three-shot pistol. Settling his horse, Apollo turned, revealing one of his own, and a large watergun besides. The first shots flew, Boreas taking one to the leg. Hopping backwards, he retreats into cover. Apollo follows, flanking around. Another shot flies, lost in the bushes. Boreas retreats, Apollo follows, firing his watergun. Alas, too slow, with a leg gone. Fortunes are reversed, and Boreas, now, is gone.

[14:00] Rajesh Kai (Matt Kaye) kills Death (Harry Sarson) at a garden party. Stock joke involving Death receiving death. Everyone laugh please.

Rajesh Kai reports: At a garden party today, I noticed Harry Sarson wander past the marquee. He evaded me with some rapid hiding, then returned to scout the area. I exited the marquee and went after him, as he had only a knife in hand, and shot him in the back. Time of death was around 2pm.

Death reports: The devious Matt Kaye has just killed me outside the Pembroke jpc garden party

[17:14] Apollo (Twm Stone) heads off for another mad one, bringing down War (William Grace (Will)), No-one (Mikaela Belcher), moonquakes (Katie Gibson) and vampire squash (Mark Cooper). Yawn.

Apollo reports:

I killed Mikaela. *happy dance* The fact she was asleep on the sofa at the time clearly had no effect on the outcome here.

In other news, on my way to kill her, I bumped into Will outside Corpus Christi, and shot him in the back. After killing her, I went to Pembroke and burst through Katie's (STILL unlocked) door, killing her as she sat, apparently unmoved from her previous death. Then on the way out, I went for coffee with a friend (at Hot Numbers - they do excellent carrot cake) and leaving I bumped into Mark. We both drew pistols and fired, mine hitting the pavement between his legs and his whistling over my left shoulder, before I struggled to reload whilst also holding an umbrella and he pursued me, missing again before I pulled out the water pistol and drenched him.

War reports:

[19:30] Carnage at the Christ's May Ball queue! Result: Apollo (Twm Stone) gets 2 more kills. Clap clap.

Hades, God of the Underworld reports:

To the best of my knowledge, here is what happened at approximately 19:30:

Boreas (Alexander (Alex) Hibbert) charged the queue, but accidentally shot an innocent (for which I do not intend to penalise him). Apollo (Twm Stone), who was in the queue, rushed out and shot Boreas. Immediately afterwards, Get Seth for war (Katy Darwent), who had been attacking the queue, "bang"-killed Apollo. Apollo, though, was unaware of this, and continued by shooting Rajesh Kai (Matt Kaye), who had been busy mutilating Boreas' corpse.

I am ruling Katy's "bang"-kill as invalid. It seems to satisfy the element-of-surprise criterion (based on the fact that Twm knew that Katy was attacking the queue, but not her exact location). However, the rules state that bang-kills must not be used when a combat situation has already developed (which is indisputably the case here). Consequently, Twm was alive when he killed Matt, meaning that this latter kill stands.

Boreas reports:

[22:30] Knives in the Dark!!

Hades, God of the Underworld reports:

I was awarding 15 points for stabbing the Umpire and 5 points for each other player stabbed. The scores for this minigame were as follows:

Boreas (Alexander (Alex) Hibbert) - 25 (killed Umpire, Hera and Horse of Troy)

Pestilence (Ben Mortishire-Smith) - 21 (killed Umpire and Euridicheep. 1 bonus style point for his 3m long interpretation of the word "knives".)

Horse of Troy (Lewis Jones) - 16 (killed Umpire, died to Boreas, but 4 bonus points for charging across the grass, losing both arms to Pestilence but still stabbing the Umpire with a knife in his mouth.)

Athena (Kim Ward) - 15 (killed Umpire)

vampire squash (Mark Cooper) - 15 (killed Umpire)

Euridicheep (Kate Lowe) - -1 (died to Pestilence, but 2 consolation points for almost putting both Pestilence and Boreas to the sword, except that she gave herself away by giggling as she charged up behind them...)

Hera - -3 (died to Boreas)

Pestilence reports:

I made sure to prepare well for the umpire's minigame, using my wits and my new secret weapons. Having arrived well in advance, as the sun set, I climbed into the lower branches of a tree on the backs, intending to 'get the drop' on any unsuspecting assassin who wandered past for the minigame. In fact my ally Boreas was the first to arrive, and he nearly met a sticky end as a result of mistaken identity. United, we prepared to rule the field with aggression and ferocity as the game began - Boreas looking sinister dual-wielding two lightsabres, and I adopting more of a 'tank' role for this game as I carried around my new weapons: (almost) three metre-long clubs (Umpire-approved), which I have designated 'noob tubes (TM)'. Boreas' speed and my lumbering range allowed us to fend off any attackers - quickly dispatching Hera, whose own custom staff could not defend him against our combined might, followed by Euridicheep, who gave herself away by giggling as she attempted to sneak up on the two of us.

Rendezvousing with the umpire, we spotted two bilge-rats who had been hiding under a bench, but they proved both fast and cowardly - killing the umpire, they fled before us into 'safety' outside of the boundaries of the game - Boreas and I call you to meet us both in a duel, to redeem your honour.

We spent the rest of the hour patrolling the perimeter, under the fireworks of Johns' ball. One slippery character, the Horse of Troy, made multiple attempts to gain access and slay Hades, but Boreas and I managed to keep him at a distance, as our superior weaponry made slim his chances of surviving a direct fight. Cornering him, we took one, and then the other of his arms off; but alas, his speed proved to great for us to match, and he evaded our grasp, before slaying the umpire with a knife held in his mouth. At that point, we caught up with him, and finished him off.

Athena reports:

Knives in the dark? More like Booms in the Disco Lights. Having staked out the route from Silver Street and only managing to ambush my ally, Mark Cooper, the two of us holed up behind [BENCH REDACTED] after witnessing a friend of ours get brutally murdered by our traitorous day 1 hunting partner.

When suddenly...


Mark takes off as the cronies with the cosh get too close, and I take the opportunity to dart out in the opposite direction, stab the Umpire, and clear the area. I summon my pet fire spitting snake to defend should any of them come attack me, and slip off into the many-coloured night.

Wednesday, 15 June

[05:45] Apollo (Twm Stone) gives Frozone (Ben Weber) an icy reception after the May Ball, followed by the same treatment for Rajesh Kai (Matt Kaye)

Apollo reports:

Frozone reports: So apparently the guy I nicked this ice-costume off of did something to annoy the gods, as the guy dressed as Apollo came back to shoot me again, this time in the chest. Better go sleep it off (what do you mean that doesn't work, it does for me!). Also I did this cool thing at a coconut shy where I needed to hit two coconuts off their stands with three balls, missed with the first two, but the third ricocheted off of one coconut into another so I won. Is that worth any points? 200 should do!

[17:00] Flying Spaghetti Monster (Jared Jeyaretnam) kills Famine (Daniel James (Dan)), but is killed soon afterwards've guessed it, Apollo (Twm Stone)

Flying Spaghetti Monster reports: Today, I killed Dan James (at about 17:00), stabbing him in the back of the neck as I passed him on the street. However, when I returned home my kill streak was ended after being shot by Twm Stone in the stomach, at 17:40.

Famine reports:

[18:00] Apollo (Twm Stone) continues to rack up kills before the end of the game, killing Dr Hannibal Lecter (Samuel Mackey). He then brings down Token Catz Student (James Brotherston) and mercilessly slaughters an innocent former Umpire while he's at it...

Apollo reports: Michael now has a shiny new hole in his forehead. So worth.

Token Catz Student reports: Twm just killed Michael French followed by me at 18:20

Michael French, MA reports: Twm showed up, shot me directly in the face. And then James. This also caused the spaceship that James, Curtis and I were flying to crash.

[I give up... - AH]

[18:38] Apollo (Twm Stone) foolishly enters a duel with Charon's More Efficient Alternative (Michael Warman) and dies

Charon's More Efficient Alternative reports:

Apollo reports:

[19:27] vampire squash (Mark Cooper) brings down Veles (Dimitrije Erdeljan), followed soon after by Father Christmas (Juliet Armstrong)

vampire squash reports:

At 19:27 I saw Dimitrije Erdeljan with a group of other people outside Sainsbury's. I believed myself to have a clear shot and so fired, killing him. Fearing collateral damage, I enquired as to the health of the bystanders. One of them had tragically lost her arm.

[Umpire's note: I won't impose any penalty on Mark at this late stage, because he tried very hard not to hit the innocent, it's late in the game and I appreciate his honesty.]

At 20:35 I saw Juliet Armstrong outside the Great Gate. I walked up behind her and shot her in the back.

Veles reports: Shot by a water gun by vampire squash at 19.25.

[22:40] As a final flourish, Apollo (Twm Stone) kills Artemis (Clara Ding) to seal victory! (Because he totally wasn't already ahead by about 1 million points or something.)

Apollo reports:

Artemis reports:

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