The Assassins' Guild: May Week 2016 Game Awards

For various achievements and entertainments, the following awards are presented:

The Holzhauer Award for Psychopathy:

Twm Stone, for securing 38 player kills, setting a new record for the highest May Week kill count to date.

The Kenny Award for Dying Far Too Many Times:

Cyriac Cyriac, for racking up a very impressive 8 deaths, while getting precisely zero kills.

The Leek and Safe Award for most interesting weaponry:

Ben Mortishire-Smith, for his 3m-long interpretation of the word "knife" during the Knives in the Dark minigame.

The Lemming Award for the First to Die:

Samuel Kittle, who was first killed by Twm about 10 minutes after the game started.

The Yellow Streak Award for Running Away:

Daniel Chiverton (again!), for leading Alex Hibbert on a glorious chase through Magdalene before being cornered in a cul-de-sac.

The Obfuscated Tutorial System Award for Silliest Pseudonym:

Sean Thor Herron, for the very topical "Assassiny McAssassinface".
Honourable mention to Hani El-Bay, for the equally topical "Zeus walks into a bar. Merkel pays."

The Kit Jenkins award for most foolish pseudonym:

Samuel Kittle, for leaving his pseudonym blank, and Alexander Hardwick, for assigning him "Poseidon't have a pseudonym so the Umpire chose this one".

The Zaphod Beeblebrox Award for Style:

Twm Stone, for audaciously boarding the Umpirical punt in mid-river, while absolutely in no way being goaded into doing so by the Umpire.

The Catherine Zentile Award for Least Innocent Innocent:

Curtis Reubens MA, for providing almost 24/7 coverage of the whereabouts of James Brotherston.

The Reversed Burden of Johannes Award for Unintentionally Killing Innocents:

Michael Warman, who wanted to make absolutely sure that there were no Curtis Reubenses in Cambridge, after spotting him in Sainsbury's.
Dishonourable mention to Freddie Brewer, for accidentally killing approximately 8 innocents by playing catch with the moon, then deliberately reporting it in the hope of going Wanted.
Even less honourable mention to Twm Stone, for deliberately gunning down the innocent Michael French MA, just because he happened to be there.

The Love Bug Award for unresolved sexual tension:

Katie Gibson, for embarrassing her killer Twm Stone by leaving her door unlocked while getting dressed...

The Gary Lineker Award for Sportsmanship:

Alex Hibbert, for allowing Twm to park his bike, lock it up, prepare his watergun, and generally giving him every advantage before being shot down and killed in short order.

The Richard Gibson Award for Marksmanship:

Twm Stone, for missing the Umpire with a nerf gun from about 3m away, while the Umpire was stationary, unarmed and distracted by a phone call.

The Koom Valley Award for Best Ambush:

Kim Ward and Mark Cooper, for concealing themselves under a bench during Knives in the Dark, only to have their cover stunningly blown by the St John's May Ball Fireworks, but still succeeding in stabbing the Umpire (at the hands of Kim) while Mark decoyed their pursuers away.

The Dante Award for Divine Comedy:

The St John's College May Ball fireworks, for spectacularly blowing the cover of every single player participating in Knives in the Dark.

The Jeffery Archer Award for Prolific Writing:

Alex Hibbert, whose extended mythological digressions would have rivalled even Homer. A bit. Maybe.

The Alvin, Simon, Theodore Award for most amusing triple-act:

Lewis Jones, Sam Twist and Irina Savova, for all taking pseudonyms linked to the Trojan War, and all backstabbing each other repeatedly throughout the game.

The Spawncamper Award for kill farming:

Pretty much every player, for repeated kill-farming within at least 4 different colleges.

The Butch Cassidy Award for Most Doomed Killing Spree:

Twm Stone, for his extremely short-lived attack on the Trinity May Ball Queue ("I'm bored, Alex. I planned my evening around surviving past half 7.").

The Not Dead Yet Award for failure to admit defeat:

Lewis Jones, for losing both his arms to Ben Mortishire-Smith during Knives in the Dark, but still managing a magnificent death-or-glory sprint to kill the Umpire with a knife held between his teeth.

The Order of the Black Coat Award for Application of the Art of Disguise:

Twm Stone, for the "creepy cowboy" ensemble (consisting of fake moustache, cowboy hat and dodgy sunglasses).

The Pistols At Dawn Award for an addiction to duelling:

Alex Hibbert, for his frequent duels on or near Olympus (A.K.A. Castle Hill).

The Orange Scarf Award for Subtlety:

Kate Lowe, for successfully persuading Ben Mortishire-Smith and Alex Hibbert MA that she was just a random innocent during Knives in the Dark, then giving herself away by giggling as she ran up behind them with a large polystyrene cutlass.

The Three Weeks Early Award for signing up early:

Alex Hibbert, for signing up 5 weeks and 4 days before the deadline.

The Eh? Award for Weirdest Assassins' Related Happening:

Michael Warman, for offering a single roll of toilet paper as a bounty for kills made using a plunger. Ew.

Home / Email