The Assassins' Guild - Week 0 News

The Gentleman has seen fit to allow members of the Guild to place bounties, for his own macabre amusement. These can be placed on almost anything, from a pseudonym to a type of kill, a kill with a certain type of weapon, a style of report, or something else entirely. They can be placed anonymously or otherwise.

Bounties do not change licitness of targets! A bounty on X does not make X a licit target for you. Killing X if X is not your target (or otherwise licit for you, e.g. Incompetent) will make you Wanted. Repeated bounty-farming of illicit targets may result in disqualification.

When a bounty target is met, I'll announce it here (so people know that the bounty is done already), and email the bounty-placer to inform them.

Contact the Gentleman to place a bounty.

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Cookies for reports

Long reports are good. Cookies are good. Cookies + long reports = excellent. Therefore, anyone who succeeds in producing a report over 1000 words long in continuous, lucid prose, will receive four cookies as a reward.

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Kor-ah! Mah-tah! Kor-ah! Rah-tah-mah!

The Gentleman well remembers the last time he was in Cambridge, all those ages ago. People re-enacting the climatic duel which marked his ascendacy (i.e. engage in a lightsaber duel, while 'Duel of the Fates' is playing), record it, and send it in will be rewarded for their dedication with a lightsaber each at the game's end. Should more than one pair send in a recording, the best (as arbitrarily chosen by The Gentleman) will be rewarded with the lightsabers: any others will receive a food-based reward.

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Extremely extremely anonymous bounty

O killers cruel, the time is here
To reap the full-grown golden crop,
Betray all those that you held dear
And watch assassin-rivals drop.

Now, let your guardian-Muses be
Strong-channelled by your loyal Bard;
Your eyes be sharp at night to see,
Your sword shine bright, your heart turn hard.

'Tis meet that I a bounty start
For anyone who kills Twm Stone.
(With knife or bullet through his heart)
Three Lindor chocolates you shall own!

But if you try to kill, and fail
And Twm's sharp knife does run you through -
Still, I'll console your corpse so pale
With Lindor chocolates - you'll get two!

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Rawrr! The animals fight back!

Lyra Silvertongue wishes it to be known that if anyone makes a kill dressed up as an attack animal, they will receive a fluffy toy of the animal in question.

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My other Chief of Police (Michael Warman) is getting nostalgic too...

Seeing the umpire's bounty for those who recreate his victory has made me reminisce of my own first game. It was somewhat less glorious, but I'm nostalgic all the same; any player who gets killed by intelligently answering to their real name when some randomer just walks up to them and says "are you [x]" will "win" a mystery item from me, that will be totally, totally sensible and desirable...
I'll aim to make it as appropriate as possible, and the killer (or anyone else for that matter) is very welcome to suggest prizes.

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He's also getting homicidal.

I like lots of excessive death. As such, I will award food (probably doughnuts of some kind, but I'm open to requests for comparable alternatives) to whoever gets a kill with the largest and/or silliest weapon (without causing disruption, or themselves being killed for bearing before they can make good their escape) during each 2 week interval of the game. This excludes weapons borrowed from the police chiefs, and I'll decide (from/with suggestions) which is the best. Costumes (this bounty can be won at the same time as the other costume related one), dropping "safes" etc., and heavy machine guns will all score highly, but get creative (safely)!

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The Versifier sets a bounty... in verse. Well, I don't really know what I was expecting.

the heart of the city is well-wrought and pretty
but it's such a pity we don't get out more

the guild's known affinity for catz, john's and trinity
and their close vicinity - it must not endure!

so bounties are offered - of course, baked goods proffered -
and soon to be scoff(er)ed are cookies and such

if you make a kill or two at least a mile from you;
walk or bike to pursue targets and clutch

a taste of glory - or at least a good story;
a fine oratory to tell when you're done

so kill them a mile from your domicile
and i'll make it worthwhile with a decent iced bun

- distance calculated using this website using the 'as the crow flies' measure. will reward the first 3 kills under these criteria

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Cheep Cheep responds to the posting of poetry

1 Bounty bar for writing a bad poetry report. (Other chocolate bars available on request). Poetry in report must be sufficiently bad as judged by an arbitrary metric.

2 Bounties for killing the Versifer.

Both of the above for killing the Versifer and submitting the kill report in bad poetry, plus an additional one for sheer cheek (bringing the total to 4 Bounty bars for this action).

Each person can only claim one of these bounties once.

Sincerely,
Cheep Cheep.

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Shrike appears slightly miffed at having been slaughtered on the bash by a bunch of incos

"Maintaining order is a dangerous job at the best of times, let alone when the subjects of that order are a tad murdery. Luckily, I need not risk my police if I outsource to irregulars. I'm also disappointed with the level of cooperation and lack of backstabbing going on in some quarters, so I aim to see time honoured betrayal returned. To that end, I'm incentiviseing treachery, and making Cambridge safer for our noble police at the same time; the first player in the Corpus Mafia [THERE ARE NO MAFIAS IN CAMBRIDGE] to betray the others will earn significant amounts of chocolate: for each of the other mafia members they kill, they will earn a chocolate orange. They'll earn an extra chocolate orange per kill above 3 kills, so purge everyone. More precious, perhaps, than chocolate, is life. If you turn on the others and slay them, then you will be safe from them doing the same; whoever strikes fastest and hardest will be the one left alive when the dust settles. As the game draws on, the likelihood that they'll turn on you increases exponentially. Do the maths; I have. There can be only one: make sure it's you.

(This is not at all because I'm bitter about a section of the mafia in question fraging my entire incobash team... That reminds me, the most treacherous will also win something bitter (probably a bag of limes) and something salty (probably a giant bag of salt) to dole out to those who weren't as quick on the uptake)

Shrike out"

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Talking of betraying non-existent mafias, another bounty...

The one known as "Viceroy Sir Rupert Bellchamber-Darling" is a dishonourable coward who sells out his own friends for profit! Three Lindors to his killer! Five if you're a member of his 'coalition' who does the good and noble thing in ridding the world of this TRAITOR!

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A bounty on my Chief of Police! Good heavens.

Dearest Assassins, Corrupt Policemen and any others who simply wish to earn themselves a cookie (I will not judge if the umpire himself wishes to partake in this).

It has come to my attention that if the Corpus group can kill Shrike, one of the heads of Police, and if it makes him so irritated that he has to post a bounty, then the chances are that it was not a particularly well conceived attempt. For this reason, I would like to see just how difficult it is to kill a police officer. To anybody who kills Shrike, your anonymous friend (who does not wish to be hunted down, so as such, will remain anonymous) will provide a cookie.

Let us see if we can perhaps nominate a person for the Kenny award.

In order for the kill to count, he must be reported as dead to the umpire. If Shrike offers himself up for the kill, it is also void.

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#StoneSelfie

Any person to go into Twm Stone's accommodation and take a photo of themselves next to Twm Stone's door will receive cookies. [Photo to be sent to the Umpire (will not be published unless you request)]