The Assassins' Guild: Michaelmas 2016 Game Awards


For various achievements and entertainments, the following awards are presented:

The Achievement Unlocked: Pacifist Award for Dedication to Not Using Weapons:
Kim Ward, for refraining from all combat for the entire game (and then pianoing the Umpire with one second to go).
The Adam Smith Award for Services to Economics:
Michael Warman, for his attempt to break up the game's mafias by incentivising internal kills with chocolate oranges: one per kill for the first three, and then two per kill for any over three kills.
The BAFTA Award for Best Actress:
Mikaela Belcher, for killing (loyal) Michael Warman by enticing him into a conversation about the finer points of out of bounds rules as to how long after his Cadenza performance she could kill (the corrupt) Ben MS. The words "well this is good, it means I can finally trust you" were seconds away when she struck.
The Bandwidth Bandit Award for Non-textual Reports:
Ben Mortishire-Smith, for a variety of textless reports, including a tear-jerking death report.
Honourable Mention to the entrants of the Umpire Baby song contest, who it seems single-handedly brought us to the point of actually exceeding our storage space limit...
The Banker's Bonus Award for Profit:
Twm Stone, for claiming the bounty set by Dani Cugini on long-distance kills by killing her just over a mile from her home.
The Brutus Award for Best Betrayal:
Stephen Dimmock, for killing Michael Warman and Dominic Anstey mere minutes apart by inviting a group of friends that included them both to work in his room. Dominic appeared about a minute after Michael's death who subtly facepalmed and watched quietly while the inevitable happened...
Honourable Mention to Ellen Palmer for killing her own college husband, noting (without any remorse) that she could 'still hear him swearing in the shower'.
The Catherine Zentile Award for Least Innocent Innocent:
An unknown passer-by who was mistaken for an assassin by Andrew Darby at the height of his (very paranoid) paranoia, causing him to sprint off. The individual thought this was a challenge for an impromptu foot race, and sprinted after him, eventually chasing the terrified Darby down, and then leaving.
The Couldn't Make It Up Award for Ironic Pseudonym Choice:
Shyam Dhokia, for taking 'Rookie Mann Herbington' and then getting killed in what was described by the killer as a "rookie mistake".
The Cuba '62 Award for Narrowly Averted Disaster:
Sinead Foley and Alice Bennett, for an encounter just outside Corpus in Open Season where Sinead unexpectedly walked round the corner, saw Alice with a (dead) player, drew her gun defensively (having a clear shot on Alice). Unsure of her identity, she didn't take the shot and retreated, before meeting up with her ally Felix Menze, turning back, and chasing Alice into the depths of Corpus.
The Dante Award for Divine Comedy:
The Cherry Hinton Cliff which Andrew Darby fell off, saving him from an approaching (and almost certainly lethal) water cannon onslaught.
The Darwin Award for Death by Stupidity:
Evvia Gonzales, for opening her door to an assassin with his gun drawn and loaded, answering her name when asked, and still looking surprised when she died.
Honourable Mentions to James Wood for letting a corrupt policewoman into his room having been warned in no uncertain terms not to do this shortly before; Damaris Bennett for watching her (innocent) companion die and just standing there until the Corrupt squad realised their mistake and returned to finish the job; and David Farkas for thoroughly blowing his cover by posting 'So, who's left from the police? Or do we just go and get them pver and pver again? I'm still in a grey area of secrecy, as I haven't made a move on any loyal police yet' followed by '*facepalm*' in the loyal police chat.
The David and Goliath Award for Best Giant-Killing Activity by a New Player:
Andrew Darby, for taking down Twm Stone, PhD, and his accomplices while outnumbered 3 to 1.
Honourable Mention to Li Xin, for stabbing Andrew Raison, MA with a 'small, fanciful sword' (ruler) when he came to her door.
The David Duffit Award for secrecy and deception:
Felix Menze, for luring the incobash team into the aforementioned ambush, and later being part of the group that conducted a 'Brexit survey' on a heavily occupied house, none of who recognised them as assassins until after they'd gone.
Honourable Mention to Twm Stone, who found himself on stage, playing a viola (an instrument which he had 'never played before in his life'), in front of a not-inconsiderable crowd, and somehow didn't blow his cover.
The 'Do you have my fish?' Award for Excuse Least Likely To Get Someone To Open The Door:
Michael Warman, for inviting his intended target to "hear about the word of Jesus" while his heavy weapon whirred ominously in the background.
The Dr Kimble Award for surviving the longest time on the wanted list:
Edward Carroll, for actually surviving the Wanted List for 4 days in a game where the Police were *very* active.
The Eh? Award for Weirdest Assassins' Related Happening:
Zoe Allen and Elisabeth Gaberdiel, for randomly getting drunk and deciding to host an assassins party, one of whom later (on the Umpire's joking suggestion) tried to get seduction licensed as a weapon.
The Fake Simon Award for Psychological Warfare:
Michael Warman, for sending forged Facebook messages to all the Corpuscles (having died to them a few days before), which were successful enough to cause suspicion even among their tightly-knit group!
I'd-like-to-think-it's-Honourable Mention to The Umpire, for building up an [entirely spurious] reputation for bloodthirsty arbitrariness to the point that when he concluded a decision on a dispute with 'EVERYBODY GETS THUNDERBOLTED', it was believed enough to cause various meltdowns.
The Gary Lineker Award for Sportsmanship:
Withheld, due to a distinct lack of honour in the game.
Dishonourable mention to Alex Hardwick for inviting Sam Mackey to a duel, meeting up early to "share out nerf darts equally", then shooting him in the back at point-blank range.
The George R. R. Martin Award for Commitment to the Plot:
The Corpuscles, for writing extensive interlinking in-universe reports, and referring to everyone by their pseudonyms even in person (and after the game had ended!).
Honourable Mention to Twm Stone for, having taken the pseudonym Thaddeus Valentine, carried an umbrella-sword everywhere and got most of his kills with it; repeatedly wrote excellent in-character reports; and (rumours have it) intentionally faceplanted Madingley Road while riding a bike so that he better resembled his other pseudonym, Hester Shaw.
The 'Ginger Cake' Award for the 'smoothest' kill:
Andrew Darby, for diving and shooting Twm Stone in the back, in an elegant manoeuvre which required his victim to catch him before he plunged into a row of bikes.
The Girton Award for the kill furthest from Cambridge:
Dani Cugini, for making a journey mid-game to Oxford to see the Bodleian and kill the very very corrupt Alex Hardwick.
Honourable Mention to Michael Warman, for doing the same trick a few weeks later (and was in the city for unrelated reasons anyway).
The Harland Quinn Golden Quill for the Most Amusing Reports:
Withheld, due to a paucity of suitable reports.
Honourable Mention to Alex Hardwick for some amusing reports, including his record of his visit to Cambridge.
The 'I Shot the Sheriff' Award for Butchering Cops:
Dani Cugini, for massacring large numbers of cops from the day of her death, on both sides of the police war.
The Jeffery Archer Award for Prolific Writing:
The Corpuscles, particularly Andrew Darby for putting out high volumes of quality in-universe material.
Dishonourable Mention to The Umpire, for creating the entirely fictional Gilgamesh Wulfenbach as an outlet for his own prolific writing tendencies. [Twm on this: 'WAIT WHAT!!!!! THE SCUMBAG!!! I HAD COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN ABOUT THAT'. I think it was successful...]
The Kenny Award for Dying Far Too Many Times:
Naive Enthusiast, for stacking up 7 deaths over the course of the game.
The Koom Valley Award for Best Ambush:
The Corpuscles, for drawing Michael Warman (CoP), Sam Mackey, Naive Enthusiast, and Esha Dasgupta to a secluded area of accommodation and killing them all, with only one shot of return fire getting off harmlessly..
Honourable Mention to Madingley Road, for managing to take out Twm Stone, PhD so hard he still doesn't remember what happened.
The Lawyers at Dawn Award for Disputing Everything:
Felix Menze, for disputing almost every event he was involved in (and indirectly resulting in my loyal lawyer and CoP staying up nearly until dawn resolving the mess).
The Leek and Safe Award for most interesting weaponry:
Dani Cugini, for her nerve gas, which she actually managed to get a kill with!
Honourable Mention to Damien Teague for a 'razor-tipped bowler hat' (think Oddjob), which was later used by Andrew Darby in the Duel.
The Lemming Award for the First to Die:
Seb Dex, who didn't even make it to lectures.
The Mario Sainz-Martinez Award for cowwuption:
Pure Corruption to Alex Hardwick, for destroying the innocence of the entire cabal by smuggling obscene Latin pseudonyms into the game, and then rounding it off by announcing his arrival to Cambridge with a massacre of several polices.
Applied Corruption to Ben Mortishire-Smith for continuing Hardwick's legacy and raising a strong and enthusiastic Corrupt Police force which went on to win the Police War.
Honourable Mention to Dani Cugini for going Corrupt Corrupt by backstabbing the Chief of Corruption and then fighting on both sides of the Police War.
The Maximus Decimus Meridius Award for Best Fight to the Death:
Chay Graham and Morgan Rogers, for conducting a duel to the death armed with inflatable animals.
The My Coat Is Just Big Boned Award for Weapon Concealment:
Sinead Foley, for carrying a Nerf Stampede under her coat on numerous occasions, including the entire time she spectated the duel, with nobody noticing.
The 'My Hero' Award for the Biggest Fanclub:
Dani Cugini, for being so overcome at finally meeting Twm Stone in person that she neglected to run away particularly rapidly.
The Not Dead Yet Award for failure to admit defeat:
Victoria Clarkson, for attempting to wrestle the Nerf Strongarm out of Twm Stone's hands before he hit her with the laser sword.
The Nuclear Submarine Award for Mutually Assured Destruction:
Michael Warman and Mikaela Belcher, for publishing one another's (identical) timetables for the term in dramatic form on the police chat.
Honourable Mention to Will Grace & Twm Stone, for creating an automated email system that would distribute information about the other as vengeance if they were betrayed.
The "nice try" Award for a valiant effort:
Twm Stone, PhD, for getting within spitting distance of entering the Duel (again), deciding that he didn't fancy a 2v2 duel, so took all his allies hunting on the last day to try and un-even the odds. Having got one kill (making the duel 3v1 in his favour), he opted to hang around for still unknown reasons. This resulted in the deaths of him and all his companions.
The Obfuscated Tutorial System Award for Silliest Pseudonym:
Sam Mackey, for 'The unfortunate 3rd year engineer from Pembroke who was killed when his trombone fell on his head' (later 'The unfortunate third year engineer from Pembroke who was killed by his own arrogance' following his death due to extreme over-confidence).
The Orange Scarf Award for Subtlety:
Cyriac Cyriac, for when asked (through a slightly opened door) if he was here to kill his target responded with a '...yes'.
The Order of the Black Coat Award for Application of the Art of Disguise:
Dani Cugini, for her 'Masked Crusader' outfit (a scarf round her face), which proved sufficiently impenetrable that she managed to kill most of the Corrupt police before being un-masked, and resulted in Ben MS 'revenge-killing' someone else after death at her hands.
Honourable Mention to Twm Stone whose disugise of a gown and a large, obviously fake, wig nevertheless allowed him to kill Sinead Foley (whose only thought on seeing him was 'Cambridge is strange') and to walk right past Andrew Darby, who was staking out his room.
The Pedants' Award for Attention to Detail:
12 players, for including the secret word in their signup email.
Dishonourable Mention to the other 111 players, who notably failed to do this.
The Police Hero Medal for Outstanding Service:
Michael Warman, for committed and sustained CoPing, organising hits on incompetent and Wanted players, and generally making the police force into a flawless instrument of death (netting him a BA at the end of the game).
The Reversed Burden of Johannes Award for Unintentionally Killing Innocents:
Felix Menze on the CorpMaf minibash for walking into a room, shooting the first person he saw (an innocent) and then, on discovering that the individual in question wasn't the target, shooting the next person (also innocent), all while the Umpire looked on.
The Richard Gibson Award for Marksmanship:
Mikaela Belcher, for launching a successful ambush of Alex Hardwick and somehow missing him from 1m away with every dart from a Nerf Roughcut.
Honourable Mention to Twm Stone and Alex Hardwick for seeing each other a few metres away, drawing a gun and shooting each other precisely below the knee, both using up the single bullet they possessed.
The Show Must Go On Award for Devotion to The Guild:
Michael Warman and Dani Cugini, for being there at every dispute (on more than one occasion, past midnight), assisting the umpire with so much and generally being awesome throughout the game.
Honourable Mention to Ruby Tupling, for keeping the Umpire more-or-less sane; and Twm Stone, Ben MS and Kim Ward for valued assistance at various points through the game, and helping out at the Freshers' Fair.
The Spawncamper Award for kill farming:
The King's College Loyalists, who had such a high density of loyal (but unaware) police that they got hit by the Corrupts not once or twice, but thrice.
The Speedrun Award for Rapid Target Clearing:
Evvia Gonzales, for clearing her target list entirely over the first two days of the game.
The Stone Award for Psychopathy:
Dani Cugini, for making a ridiculous 13 kills while alive and an almost-MayWeek level 35 kills in total over the course of the game.
Honourable Mention to Twm Stone for racking up what would otherwise be an impressive 11 kills, including taking down the winner of this award.
The Three Hours Early Award for Paranoia:
Andrew Darby, for intense paranoia, to the extent that he was sending daily paranoia reports to the Umpire towards the end of the game.
The Three Weeks Early Award for signing up early:
Chay Graham, for signing up before any signup emails had been sent out, and before the year had even begun.
The *Twitch* award for Plot Derailment:
Andrew Darby, for causing the umpire to utter the line "My duel! My beautiful duel!" after killing all the other live then-duellists. [I'd been getting quite comfortable with the duel as-was...]
The Watcher On The Walls Award for dedicated ambushing:
Kim Ward, for camping a hedge with a large watergun during the minigame and systematically killing off the Corpuscles as they went by.
The Yellow Streak Award for Running Away:
Daniel Chiverton, for going so far as to be in Warwick when the hunters came hunting, and for repeatedly running around in circles having lost both his arms in the minigame.
Honourable Mention to Dani Cugini for, on seeing Twm Stone, PhD, armed with nothing but a bag of clothes, turning tail and fleeing in a swift walk which turned into a flat-out run on turning the corner.
The Zaphod Beeblebrox Award for Style:
Michael Warman, for seeing a Corrupt Dani Cugini while cycling after another player, and gathering composure quickly enough to smile sweetly at her as she stared dumbfounded with vague recognition, and then calmly calling "yeah right" when she finally produced a large watergun as he elegantly cruised past.
Honourable Mention to Lewis Jones for dual-wielding Farshot pistols at the top of the cliff as the sun went down on the game.

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