Cloak & Dagger The Assassins' Guild - May Week News

Friday, 12 June

[17:00] Begin Testing.

The May Week game has begun! I expect great things from each and every one of you. Except... you.

[17:01] Danielle Saunders places a bounty!

" I am PLACING A BOUNTY: one pack of delicious Sainsbury's bakery cookies to an assassin making a kill while dressed as Death (think black cloak, scythe etc). Photo of costume required.
If there's more than one kill, it'll go to the most impressive."

Umpire's note: this does not invalidate the rules about not being stupid or unduly scaring people. Please do not lurk outside people's buildings at night.

[17:05] Dr Doofenshmirtz (Andrew Raison) kills Wheatley (Michael French), despite the temporary lack of arms.

Dr Doofenshmirtz reports:

My dearest Curtis,

Today at 5:05 michael rudely took a pot shot at me, and my favourite arm was blown clean off. This was a terrible event of terribleness, so I retreated to my room where we exchanged some shots and he blew my other arm clean off. This was terribly rude so I shut my door in his face and waited my regrowthanator to work and in a jiffy I both arms back to normal. I decided to use the contraption I had invented specially just in case of this very situation. So I grabbed my avengerecentlylostlimbanator and used to blow his chest open. I remember the final words uttered as this happened clearly "AHH" (a cross between a squeal and a bird squawking)

Your everloving sweetheart, Dr Doofenshmirtz xxx

Wheatley reports: Time of death - 5.15, killed by Andrew, he no-forced his door without arms, when he had them back he reloaded all his guns and a firefight ensued, which I eventually lost by direct hit of two shots from a shotgun to the chest.

[19:08] The companion cube's evil twin (Peter Jordan) is the real victim here, as he inadvertantly kills Joe Bonham-Carter (Joe Bonham-Carter) - how will he ever live with himself?

The companion cube's evil twin reports:

It was an accident I swear. I happened to be carrying a knife, which is a useful and valued possession of mine, as I walked through King's bar when I saw my friend Joe sitting and eating his tea. Seeking to hail him, I walked across the bar, and was but feet away when I tripped over an errant chair. I thrust out my hands to stay my fall, forgetting that I had drawn the knife to prevent it from damaging my pockets and accidentally (if surprisingly accurately) stabbed my poor friend in the back.

Let's say [19:30] 9/11 Truther (Alessandro Mariani) kills Joe Bonham-Carter (Joe Bonham-Carter)... OR DOES HE??? Well, no, he doesn't, because Joe is already dead.

9/11 Truther reports:

I was going out to meet a source who would finally give me proof that the Bush gang did 9/11. Walking across the college bar I saw Joe Bonham-Carter plotting to cover the truth, and I knew that the source was burned. I came back in, and shot him in the chest. You tricked me once, Bush and Cheney, but THE TRUTH WILL GET TO YOU!

Umpire's Note: Nice try, but since Joe was already dead this kill is disallowed. Read the rules, kids: once somebody dies, they're out of the game for the next four hours

[20:00] We all learn a valuable lesson about countercountercounterattacks, as Dr Horrible (Douglas Hall) kills Lemony Narrator (Tom Flynn)

Dr Horrible reports:

MWHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHA! HAHA*cough**cough**cough*...
...sorry, uh, feeling a little under the weather at the moment and it's stopping me getting the proper HAAAAA! out at the moment, so bear with me.

Oh, news! Well viewers, today I paid a visit to famous super-villain The Telegraphist, who despite clearly being clearly skilled, and clearly evil, refuses to join the League. Well that can't stand now can it?
After an entirely successful reconnaissance, that in no way just gave me away to my target while failing to allow me to identify him, I retreated to a safe distance and successfully deployed my famous Transmatter Ray to extract him from his room. That or he might just have come to investigate who was lurking in the corridor, the evidence is not conclusive to p<0.05.
The Telegraphist released his now famous attack-penguin at me, but I was able to pen them both in with fire from a concealed pistol. That's the advantage of lab coats, lots of pockets for concealed weaponry.
Still, he was brave to come to the field of battle so lightly armed, and acquitted himself well. Stannis the Mannis on the other hand wouldn't come out to play. Most dissappointing. I'm sure sure we will meet though. I've some rubber bands to return to you...
Dr Horrible.

Lemony Narrator reports: As I was eating my dinner: a Chicken tika masala curry prepared according to a recipe a close friend had whispered to my maternal grandmother in their dying moments: when I noticed a figure passing in the hall.
"Is that Douglas hall?" I said. It had looked like Douglas Hall.
"It looked like Douglas Hall" I added.
I followed them out into the hall. No sign, so I checked the staircase. A figure was audible exiting.

I ran down to the double doors, armed with my reliable penguin. The doors themselves were automatic and presented an interesting obstacle: I could open them easily by sensor, but dear Douglas had to run over to a button to open them by pressing a button right by the door. Unfortunately this advantage was offset by the opponents medium ranged weapon, to my mere penguin.

I made faces at Douglas through the glass doors, but eventually courage was summoned and a devastating, nimble attack was launched. I fell onto the carpet, disappointed that it was neither soft nor interestingly patterned.

The moral: during a counterattack, anticipate a countercounterattack.

[21:00]? '); DROP TABLE Assassins;-- (Twm Stone) murderises 9/11 Truther (Alessandro Mariani) to death.

'); DROP TABLE Assassins;-- reports:

Hungry for blood, I enlisted the help of Jack Hao after dinner, and we made our way over to KINGS COLLEGE. On the way to our target's room, we met a nameless accomplice who after some convincing agreed to help us dispatch Alessandro. He knocked, whilst the two assassins flattened ourselves against the wall, and when the door opened I fired a single shot at the chest, killing him instantly.
On the way back, we decided to make an attempt on Tudor Baslan. I bluffed my way into his accomodation, but our cover was blown when Jack Hao got his gun out in preparation, and other people who lived there refused to let us go past.

[22:05] Wheatley (Michael French) takes sweet revenge on Dr Doofenshmirtz (Andrew Raison)

Wheatley reports:

17:15 - My time of death.
21:15 - My time of rebirth.
21:58 - The time we begin to depart the concert we were attending.
22:05 - The customary 5 minutes post-OOB having elapsed, the time Andrew was unfortunately literally stabbed in the back, to death.

Dr Doofenshmirtz reports: Dear Curtis,
Michael stabbed me in the back after he carefully wording a truce with "we won't shoot each other when I respawn tonight"... of course I forgot about knives
Love Dr Doofenshmirtz xxx

Saturday, 13th June

[08:50] Dr Doofenshmirtz (Andrew Raison) and Wheatley (Michael French) are at it again, this time while wearing nothing but towels. Mmmm...

Dr Doofenshmirtz reports:

I left the shower this morning when across the corridor my arch-nemesis (or by common tongue, flatmate) also left the shower. We had both, in a fit of paranoia, brought guns to the showers, and I killed him with a dead look in my eyes, a pistolanator in each hand and my towel getting dangerously low

Wheatley reports: The morning firefight has happened. Andrew killed me at 8.50.

[12:50] More treachery in St. Chad's, as That guy right behind you (Jonny Philips) kills Dr Doofenshmirtz (Andrew Raison) through a window.

That guy right behind you reports:

Andrew was conversing outside my window, so I kindly opened it, at which point he tried to stab me in a clearly unprovoked fashion. At this point, I threw my knife and impaled his forehead...

Dr Doofenshmirtz reports: #deadnow
Love Andrew xxx

[14:30] Enderman, Enderman, does whatever an Endercan... (The Enderman (Chris Martin) slaughters Pip (Collin F. Perkinson))

The Enderman reports:

I was carefully constructing a portal to my home dimension, when there came a knocking at the door in my blocky abode.
I grabbed my weapons in my inventory and poked my head out, coming under immediate assault from Pip and his ranged weapons. For a moment there was a stand off, before I retrieved my sword and, believing him out of ammo, left the safety of cover: he was not, but I quickly teleported behind him and his pet flame slime and struck him down with my sword.

Pip reports: After an unsuccessful attempt at The Enderman's life on the evening of Friday 12th June (he appeared to be absent, or was perhaps too busy watching Teletubbies to respond to the knock upon his door), I returned during a brief period of freedom between a choir rehearsal and concert on 13th June. Now, I hold no superstitions about the number thirteen, but the engagement I had with The Enderman this afternoon was fated to end badly.

It started with a knock. I was armed with an air-powered foam popper, my trusty flame ball named Tang, and The Banana of Doom. I figured, with this variety of short-range and projectile weaponry, I could easily adapt to the conditions of the fight and take the upper hand. As expected, there was no initial response to the knock. Figuring Enderman was preparing for a faceoff, I retreated to the upper hallway stairwell and readied my projectiles. With a narrow sight on the door, I waited and focussed on taking deep, even breaths. The door creaked open.

After some period that I judged as hesitation, a head appeared around the corner, and I fired a few foam pellets his way, narrowly missing his rimmed glasses. A short period of conversation (oscillating between friendly negotiation and egotistical boasts) ensued. I recall feeling a sense of pressure, knowing that I was meant to be singing in the Emmanuel chapel in just a few minutes time, but being on the upper stairwell, I had no easy means of escape.

The Enderman retreated through his door....a ploy or trap perhaps? Maybe I had just enough time to rush off to choir, but something told me to stay, to hold my ground, to see things out. Heart pounding, I readied my trusty companion, Tang. (Tang's eyes are cute, but his bright yellow-orange fur is blazing hot, and his temper can boil over when he senses danger. Few have touched him and lived. Thankfully, when I first encountered the creature as a young boy near the blustery heights of Castle Hill, an arcanist found me in pain, my arm and hand blistering in pain from my contact with Tang. How could I help myself, Tang looked so cute and I just wanted to pet it. Long story short...the arcanist took pity on me and muttered a few incantations, healing my arm and endowing me with the power to resist heat. As it turns out, I was not the only scared one that fateful winter afternoon atop Castle Hill. Tang, too, was frightened, knowing that the Masters of King's College had placed a great bounty upon his head. Moreover, he had harmed an innocent boy, mistaking him as a champion of the Old Colleges. It was from that day forward that Pip and Tang became close companions and allies.)

But I digress. As I was saying, I was holding Tang in my arms and wondering if The Enderman had decided to return to watching Teletubbies (which I presume is his favorite show, judging from the evening before), when suddenly, my foe, still bearing his nerf gun, burst through the door with a twisted smile halfway between madness and glee. We exchanged a rapid volley of nerf shots. I winced as a nerf bullet tore through the ligaments in my left leg, but then I felt my heart lift, as I was near certain that one of my foam pellets had ricocheted off my adversary's back. One leg down and heart pumping, I froze in the hallway, entering a state halfway between weakness and exuberant triumph. I suspect no one, not even The Enderman, would have guessed that ones so small and (usually) humble as Pip and his ally Tang would have it in them to take another's life. I smiled and stroked Tang's flaming fur.

But the fight was not over, for as I exchanged high fives with Tang for a jorb well done (yes, Coach Z, I said jorb), I heard a deep guttural sound coming through the portal in front of me. My vision started to spin, and I lost sense of both time and place. I heard laughing ring in my ears, and somewhere (in my mind?) a fearsome knight emerged, bearing a massive dual-edged long sword. I felt a buzzing around my frontal cortex, and pulsing of the lateral geniculate nucleus. Swoosh, swoosh! The air spun about me in a vortex, and I saw my nemesis swinging his sword in great big circles above me, chuckling and gleaming as he did so. My final thought was of my companion Tang, and of those small brimmed glasses, through which I saw the The Enderman, piercing me with his small, beady, glimmering, and pitch-black eyes.

[16:50] Again? Really? Dr Doofenshmirtz (Andrew Raison) kills Wheatley (Michael French). Big whoop.

Dr Doofenshmirtz reports:

I shot Michael as soon as I respawned (he got me in the arm)

Wheatley reports: I died at 8.50. Andrew, hovering around to kill me at 12.50, was killed by Jonny at that time. Having just respawned at 16.50, he killed me. Four hour alarm set....

Umpire's Note: the law of diminishing returns is in effect in terms of scoring at the expense of the same target, so murderising the same person over and over again, while fun, will only get you so far...

[17:40] St. Chad's continues to be a hub of activity, as Dr Doofenshmirtz (Andrew Raison) and The Enderman (Chris Martin) take each other out.

Dr Doofenshmirtz reports:

Enderman and I just killed each other. He challenged me to a duel and then fired on me from a balcony so I attempted to attack hs position... in the end he stabbed me with his sword as I shot him with the turret

The Enderman reports: I had reached a problem with my portal and decided to 'recruit' some help. I looked up technology experts and found Weatley and Dr Doofenshmirtz in the list of targets. Feeling that this was handy, I teleported to their residence and lured them out by telling a flatmate I would meet them in the garden. I snuck down and attempted to snipe them from above, but it ended up that the Dr had superior firepower in the form of an -inator and so I had to resort to teleporting into close range to strike: we ended up killing each other. Such a shame I won't see those blueprints...

[18:58]The Caped Crusader (Ben Weber) makes an attempt on That guy right behind you (Jonny Philips), but fails in his pursuit of justice.

The Caped Crusader reports:

The King of the Ice Hornets is well-known for his crusade against the living, and for doing so dressed in his sparkling blue cape of ice, hence his nickname, the Caped Crusader. Be warned, the King of the Ice Hornets is the embodiment of Death! Today his crusade took him up against That Guy Right Behind You, however the poor aim of both led to the living sheltering in the warmth of his room, looking out at the Caped Crusader, as hail poured down.

[22:05] More slaughter in St. Chad's, as The Enderman (Chris Martin) wipes out Wheatley (Michael French), That guy right behind you (Jonny Philips), and an innocent civilian. (And also apparently Dr. Doofenshmirtz. Huh.)

The Enderman reports:

I teleported back into Dr Doofenshmirtz's residence. I saw his triangular head and struck, but I found that instead I had killed a villager with his hairstyle. I found his zombie form playing video games, so I asked the rest of the villagers gathered there where Wheatley was. I was promptly set upon by Wheatley, who cut off my arm. In exchange I sliced his spherical body in two.

After recuperating from the fight with Wheatley, I knocked on TGRBY's door. He answered and I put a projectile into his chest.

Umpire's Note: as fun as the casual slaughter of civilians is, it is against our rules. Hence, a bounty of five points has been placed on Chris Martin's head.

[22:00] Knife to meet you! Stannis the Mannis (Samuel Mackay) kills Lemony Narrator (Tom Flynn)

Stannis the Mannis reports:

In Queens' bar at around 2200 hours, I had the good fortune to spy Tom Flynn. Being shamefully unprepared, I moved around the corner and borrowed a ball point pen to inscribe knife onto a suitably shaped piece of paper. This was then used for it's appropriate purpose...

Lemony Narrator reports: Sam Mackay just killed me in the bar.

Sunday, 14th June

[01:00] WITTY REPORT SUMMARY. '); DROP TABLE Assassins;-- (Twm Stone) kills Jaqen H'ghar (Freddie Brewer)

'); DROP TABLE Assassins;-- reports:

I killed Freddie Brewer in the Maypole.

Jaqen H'ghar reports: A man believed he was safe when he was not in a predictable location. A boy did well to spot a man at the other side of the Maypole and shoot him. A man was wrong. The red God has many faces, and only death can repay death.

[09:55] Murder on Sidgwick Avenue, as Stannis the Mannis (Samuel Mackay) fills The Wrong Trousers (Joshua de Gromoboy) with elastic.

Stannis the Mannis reports:

Good fortune struck today. As I walked along Sidgwick Avenue to turn up tactically late to an event I knew two other assassins were attending - I spied Josh doing the same, only I daresay less successfully. I proceeded to greet him with several bullets to the back, we then had a pleasant chat...

[12:50] The truth is out there, but damned if 9/11 Truther (Alessandro Mariani) can find it; Jack Hao (Xiang Hao) takes him down.

Jack Hao reports:

Dear Umpire,

Today a very interesting thing happened! I was idly walking through the market square, when I recognised the person my friend had killed the other day. He started walking away, but I was quicker and managed to intercept him. Like all of my enemies, he died an honourable death - shot in the back while he was running away.
Xiang Hao

9/11 Truther reports: I was killed in an ambush by a CIA agent at around 12:50. The corrupt government could kill me, but not my ideas! We won't stop until the truth is revealed!

[13:07] Joe Gregory (via Gwilym Kuiper) (or possibly just Gwilym Kuiper being sneakiy, but that's still legit) places a bounty on himself (or on Joe, if it's Gwilym. Again, sneaky)!

" Joe Gregory is so confident that he won't get killed by someone who isn't Fergus that he is willing to pay one bar of milka chocolate to each of the first three people who kill him who aren't Fergus."

[13:27] Everybody loses, as Natsu Dragoneel (Joseph Gregory) and The Other Guy (Fergus Powell) perforate each other. (Well, I say loses. They both get more points than they lost, so I suppose everybody wins?)

Natsu Dragoneel reports:

After stalking at his room, I gave up and headed back upstairs. After a couple of my friends arrived, Fergus burst in shooting at me, but I was prepared. We both died upon his entry.

[14:00] The Enderman (Chris Martin) kills Dr Horrible (Douglas Hall), as far as I can tell.

The Enderman reports:

My previous targets had many interesting papers, but none on dimensional science. I decided that, with all the anti-teleporting shields up around various residences, that the unshielded Dr Horrible would be a safe bet for dimensional exploration. I turned up outside his door, knocked, and stabbed him the moment he opened the door.

Dr Horrible reports: So I carefully spent much of yesterday and this morning carefully moving all of my belongings across college to my new room while keeping a vigilant eye out, a weapon within reach, and one hand free. I finally collapsed, safe behind locked doors to have an hour's rest before heading out to the paranoia-fest of the GeekSoc picnic. During which I somehow managed to forget all about the game being on, and responded to a knock at my door with the thought 'oh, I wonder if that's a new neighbour wanting to introduce themselves, or a bedder clearing out vacated rooms who's got a little lost'...
The magnitude of this error only sank in a little after the Enderman's knife did.

[14:45] Thrills, chills and (many) spills at the cardboard boat race, as '); DROP TABLE Assassins;-- (Twm Stone) knifes Lemony Narrator (Tom Flynn), but is subsequently taken out by Wheatley (Michael French).

'); DROP TABLE Assassins;-- reports:

At about 1445, I spotted Tom Flynn watching the cardboard boat race, and stuck a knife in his back. Not learning from his mistakes, I was then killed at 1500 by Michael French.

Lemony Narrator reports: Killed by unknown on the shore just after cardboard boat race.

Wheatley reports:

Shot Twm at point blank range at 15:02 at the boat race.

[15:53]Wheatley (Michael French) exterminates That guy right behind you (Jonny Philips)

Wheatley reports:

Shot Jonny through his window at 15:53.

[16:10] A disappointingly small amount of chaos and carnage at the GeekSoc picnic today, with only two deaths: The companion cube's evil twin (Peter Jordan) claimed the bounty on The Enderman (Chris Martin), before being killed by Lyca (Emily Jones),

GlaDOS reports: I was rather looking forward to this. Last year, after all, the GeekSoc picnic attracted no fewer than four active assassins, who all died at least once in the pursuit of points and justice. This year also attracted four fine young assassins: Chris Martin, Peter Jordan, Emily Jones and the ruggedly handsome Douglas Hall. Unfortunately, with Douglas already being dead due to a previous encounter with Chris, this left only three active, and in the length of time before the picnic retreated indoors nobody had time to respawn.

The Enderman paced, hand on his blade. We spoke, him polite but always poised to spring into action at a moment's notice, but a series of spectacular lunges from Peter caught him off-guard, driving him back until eventually he fell to a particularly vicious swing. Then, as we stood discussing and dissecting, Emily slunk up to me, acting quite harmlessly up until she struck like a cobra, stabbing poor Peter to death.

The companion cube's evil twin reports:

Another terrible accident has occured! Whilst at the geeksocs picknick I met The Enderman. I could see from the weapons on his belt that here was a man who appreciated a fine blade, and so I drew my trusty knife, of which I am quite proud, to show him. Of course I did so with great enthusiasm, but alas I failed to correctly calculate the distance between us, and ended up stabbing the poor man in the chest.

At 4:12 I was brutally stabbed to death by Lyca. On purpose.

[17:55] More innocent blood is spilled, as 9/11 Truther (Alessandro Mariani) takes out Danielle Saunders. Who is not a player. Whoops!

9/11 Truther reports:

The NSA played me!! I have proof that they hacked the assassins servers to change the rules and treat me as a villain! Since when can a non-player put a bounty on people? No, no, I know they are behind me. At 17:55 I saw Danielle Saunders walking through Queen's Backs. I attempted to check the player list, but I couldn't find any internet connection (again, surely the NSA), but then I remembered she put a bounty on someone, and therefore felt confident she was playing. So I followed her and shot her, but she's innocent! Poor me, I was lured into a trap by the government. Who will now reveal the TRUTH?

Umpire's Note: Don't be silly; of course non-players can place bounties! Look - I'm a non-player and I'm placing one right now! Five points to whoever next kills Alessandro. Happy hunting!

[19:53] Stay away from St. Chad's, kids; the death rate is sky-high. That guy right behind you (Jonny Philips) kills Wheatley (Michael French)...

Wheatley reports: At 19:53 Jonny revives, puts down his virtual gun, picks up my real one and shoots me square in the back. Jonny kills me.

[20:15] ...Then The Enderman (Chris Martin) makes a failed attempt on Dr Horrible (Douglas Hall) (and then That guy right behind you (Jonny Philips) shoots the bodies)...

The Enderman reports:

I teleported to The Caped Crusader's residence and knocked on the door. I disguised myself as an innocent villager and struck up conversation with his flatmate, convincing him to fetch The Caped Crusader to consult. I struck, but my aim was off, and I only succeeded in cutting off The Caped Crusader's arm.

After failing to kill The Caped Crusader I was preparing to teleport home when I stumbled into Dr Horrible. We shot at each other, and though I downed him his strange weapon had taken out both my ability to teleport and walk! Consequently, I was a sitting duck for That guy right behind you...

Dr Horrible reports: Assaulted [REDACTED] on the understanding that the Enderman was staking it out.
Surprised him as he was leaving after an unsuccessful raid on a certain ruthless billionaire upholder of the status quo who rather than using his money to advance science or society, spends his billions developing gadgets so he can spend his evenings dressing up as a bat and assaulting the poor and mentally ill. Sorry, I digress.
Anyway, there was a brief firefight, the ambiguous outcome of which was rendered moot when the guy right behind me turned out to be That Guy Right Behind You, who promptly shot all participants.

Umpire's Note: Both parties claim to have killed the other first, and with no witnesses or evidence one way or the other I'm inclined to call this a double kill. I also intend to award a few bonus points to That guy right behind you (Jonny Philips), as one way or the other I've just screwed him out of a kill.

The Caped Crusader reports:

As I slumbered in my chamber, one of my Ice Hornets informed me of a visitor. When I went to investigate, he cut off my right arm and fled. Oh well, I'll just have to go and take someone else's!

[21:00] ...And then Dr Doofenshmirtz (Andrew Raison) takes out That guy right behind you (Jonny Philips).

Dr Doofenshmirtz reports:

Just walked into michaels room, saw Jonny and stabbed him

[22:30] Stannis the Mannis (Samuel Mackay) kills Lemony Narrator (Tom Flynn). Twice.

Stannis the Mannis reports:

Starting to feel like kill mining now - but anything in my quest for the Iron Throne of Westeros...

Lemony Narrator reports: Killed by sam. Again. This is getting old.

Bla bla Sam Mackay bla killed bla 1130 last night bla.

Monday, 15th June

[10:35] And again; The Other Guy (Fergus Powell) takes out Lemony Narrator (Tom Flynn). How... unfortunate.

The Other Guy reports:

Killed Tom Flynn today at 10:35 after he was silly enough to open the door unarmed. A shot to the chest with a nerd gun did the trick.

Lemony Narrator reports: Fergus Powell killed me. Great scenes.

[10:54] Batman is no match for mechanised idiocy, as Wheatley (Michael French) takes The Caped Crusader (Ben Weber) down.

Wheatley reports:

Stabbed Ben W in the back at 10:54 in Catz.

The Caped Crusader reports: Yeah I died

[12:02] It's rematch time, and this time round Natsu Dragoneel (Joseph Gregory) brings The Other Guy (Fergus Powell) down.

Natsu Dragoneel reports:

After yesterday's rather obnoxious affair, I managed to outsmart Fergus today. I made enough noise to let him know I was there, but not enough to let him know that I was so close. He opened the door and fired, but had misjudged my position. I shot him in the chest and now he is dead.

The Other Guy reports: Curses! Foiled by the selective viewing capabilities of the peep hole in my door! Joseph Gregory knew I would be leaving my room at noon today, and I knew he would be in wait. Upon looking through my peep hole, the coast appeared clear, so I believed he must be hiding around the corner. I opened my door and shot around the corner, but alas! He was in fact crouching down directly in front of my door, so my shot completely missed. His however, did not.
My death occurred at 12:02pm.

[12:26] Bounties! A quick reminder:
- 5 points on Alessandro Mariani (for killing an innocent).
- A bar of Milka chocolate to the first three non-Fergus people who kill Joe Gregory
- A bag of Sainsbury's bakery cookies for a kill while dressed as death.
- 7 points on Chris Martin (for winning).

[12:52]Wheatley (Michael French) keeps on trucking, taking down Lyca (Emily Jones) in a hail of NERF fire.

Wheatley reports:

At 12:50 or so, rounded a corner to spot Emily Jones, and our beloved Umpire. All parties froze for a half second, before the two assassins ducked behind corners and reached for guns, and the two partners laughed at us and got out of the way.

A firefight ensued, my three bullet gun against her one. I missed with one shot, and she, thinking I was out, charged. I missed again, and she cleanly removed my firing arm. The Umpire himself can testify that I subsequently picked up bullets with and held the gun in my off hand, and reloaded with my teeth.

Eventually we reached the point of me backing her into a corner while she stared defiance with an empty gun. In a last minute attempt, she hurled the gun at me. In fear of death I checked with the Umpire this was not a kill. Fortunately, it was not [Umpire's Note: it was very much not. Don't throw guns, kids.], and thus my final carefully aimed shot struck her in the head. Good fight, Ems.

[14:55] Stannis the Mannis (Samuel Mackay) sees his streak end, with Natsu Dragoneel (Joseph Gregory) shooting him in the back.

Natsu Dragoneel reports:

Mackay was a t Pembroke trying to assassinate people there. I was also at Pembroke trying to assassinate people there. No one was in. I saw Mackay. Mackay walked past me. I turned and fired. Mackay is dead now.

Stannis the Mannis reports: Done, my deathless run is finally at an end. I have confidence that I will be resurrected by the power of the Lord of Light. Hopefully it will be sufficiently quick for an evening hunt...

[15:15] The Enderman (Chris Martin) ends Dr Doofenshmirtz (Andrew Raison) (again).

The Enderman reports:

My blocky abode has come under attack again! I heard a rap-tap-tap at the door, but it was not a person: it was a rap-tap-tap-inator! I activated my ranged defences and shot him where he lay in wait.

Dr Doofenshmirtz reports: At 315ish I approached a known hideout of a certain platypus, however was foiled by a teleporting tall man in black... however as my respawnanator slowly started its work I spied a green body followed by an orange tail beehind the door.

[16:45]The Caped Crusader (Ben Weber) goes on an adventure, ending in him taking down That guy right behind you (Jonny Philips) for great justice.

The Caped Crusader reports:

Upon rumours of the previous umpire lurking in nearby meadows, I decided to pay a visit. I crept up, poked a nearby corpse with my sword, then... I now remember that was you, I didn't actually kill you, and as such no such change of umpire has occurred. Sorry, my bad. Also sorry for the bad taste nearby corpse poking. To apologise I offer the departed soul of That Guy Right Behind You. I severed his arm, then his spine. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't pretty.

[17:05] '); DROP TABLE Assassins;-- (Twm Stone), 9/11 Truther (Alessandro Mariani), The companion cube's evil twin (Peter Jordan) and Natsu Dragoneel (Joseph Gregory) launch a raid on St. Chad's, taking down Wheatley (Michael French) and The Caped Crusader (Ben Weber), but losing Peter in the process.

9/11 Truther reports:

I still had a bounty on my head, placed by the corrupt government, but I decided that it was time to bring the fight at their place. Joining forces with '); DROP TABLE Assassins;--, The companion cube's evil twin and Natsu Dragoneel, we attacked the notorious MI6 facilility known as St. Chad's. On our way we came across and shot MI6 agents Johnny Philips and Andrew Raison, who unfortunately were already dead. Michael French, the MI6 director, welcomed us with his well-known machine gun. After firing some shots, he decided to come down the staircase and destroy us with firepower; he killed The companion cube's evil, but was shot by '); DROP TABLE Assassins;--.
Another vicious agent of the conspiracy, Ben Weber, appeared with a bow and a lightsaber. '); DROP TABLE Assassins;-- and I chased him, and I shot him while he was trying to get the keys to his flat.
We couldn't interrogate dead bodies, but with the documents raided we will finally be able to prove the CONSPIRACY! But then an agent of the evil offered to lure another player out of her room, and we agreed. The player comes at the door with the UMPIRE! What was he doing at an MI6 facility?! I knew it, I knew it, THE UMPIRE IS PART OF THE CONSPIRACY!!! [Umpire's Note: there are no conspiracies in Cambridge.] YŁTRTUJ

'); DROP TABLE Assassins;-- reports: This afternoon I enlisted the help of Joe Gregory, Alessandro Mariani and Peter Jordan, and we made our way over to siege St. Chads. Attempting to kill both Jonny and Andrew on the way (who were already dead), we slipped in through a side-gate and ascended to Michael's staircase.

Defending with a machine-gun, he at last charged, felling Peter before falling in turn to my pistol. Ben then attempted a flanking attack, taking Joe's leg but paying for it with his life when Alessandro gave pursuit.

Wheatley reports: Was informed that four assassins were in Chads. Defended my staircase with the turret for some time, eventually made a dash, killed a Peter (I assume Peter Jordan), was killed then by Twm. Both at 17:05. Alessandro and Joe Gregory also present.

The companion cube's evil twin reports: I was today shot in the chest by Michael French with an automatic nerf gun at the end of a siege of his room.

The Caped Crusader reports: So the most lethal sentiment is generosity! After being coldly killed in a past life by Wheatley, I decided, as King of the Ice Hornets, he was worthy of my protection. After rushing to his aid, however, I discovered my enemies had guns, and I only my sword, the Bloody Icicle. After an attemopt to fashion a bow and arrow failed, an Ice Hornet passed his king a gun, but it had one bullet. When this failed, I started to retreat, only to have a bullet shatter my leg like the famous Goblin Looking-glass. I tried my best, climbing an epic flight of at least 11 stairs with one leg. Just as I reached my palace in Iceland (my ex kicked me out of her own palace in Lapland), a bullet caught me in the stomach, shattering my body. Now I can't reform until the next hailstorm, in about four hours!

GlaDOS reports: Well, well, well. I do love a bit of action

I wasn't witness to any of this, sadly. The first I knew of the assassin swarm in Chad's was a ring at my doorbell from a friend of mine.

"Hello, is Emily in?"
"Yeah, why?"
"Can you lure her outside?" (As umpire, my flat is out of bounds, so they needed to flush her out.) At this point, Alessandro leans out from behind cover and waves.
"Sure." Return to my room. "Emily, there's an assassin here to kill you."

She did not leave the flat.

A post-raid duel occurs, with Natsu Dragoneel (Joseph Gregory) claiming the bounty on 9/11 Truther (Alessandro Mariani).

Natsu Dragoneel reports:

I was involved in a raid on St. Chad's earlier, where Michael French cruelly machine gunned my leg. I did not die despite Ben Weber having a clean shot on me while I was unarmed - I later shot Ben in the leg.
Afterwards, Alessandro and I decided to have a duel at King's - I had bounty points to gain and he had his eye on the chocolate. I lost an arm, but he lost both of his before I shot him in the chest.

9/11 Truther reports: I was still trying to recover from discovering a new piece of TRUTH, when Natsu Dragoneel and I agreed to a duel on a lawn next to the river, as training against the agents of the conspiracy. We walked five paces, and... nothing! Missed! We tried at three paces, and we both ended up without our right arms. Natsu Dragoneel then shot my left arm; I tried to shoot him with my feet, but he killed me at 17:45.

[19:00]Natsu Dragoneel (Joseph Gregory) kills Black Mesa (David Calin), and answers the most important question of all.

Natsu Dragoneel reports:

The power cut at the big Sainsbury's threw fortune my way. I saw David Calin on the walk to small Sainsbury's and crossed the road in order to avoid a head-on duel. We had a bit of a stare out and then I walked back across the road to try and kill him. He attempted to convince me that he wasn't an assassin, but I replied "you're David Calin!" At which point he ran. After a brief chase, I shot him in the back. P.S. For those interested in my pseudonym, I have no idea what a Dragoneel is. I agreed to go with a themed name, as my friends wanted to go for some anime theme and then none of them signed up...

[19:15] Dr Horrible (Douglas Hall) is hunting big game today he bagged The Enderman (Chris Martin).

Dr Horrible reports:

Eugh. Endermen. Everywhere.
Took my freeze-ray and attacked a suspected nest. Opened fire as the door was opened, preventing the Enderman attacking, or teleporting away, but the entrance was blocked up before I could complete them job.
As I headed out of this particular biome, I noticed a distant series of teleports, and realised that the Enderman was trying to cut me off using his superior speed.
Turning 180, and running for a defensive position, I drew a pistol from my duelling lab-coat and set up shop on high ground waiting for his approach. I could see the Enderman moving below, but didn't think I could land a hit from the distance. I waited, hoping he would teleport directly below me, but he warped successively, reaching my level after teleporting behind some bushes which obstucted my fire (the one problem with death-rays versus conventional weapons). Having expended my ammunition, I retreated then drew my second pistol (hence duelling lab-coat) and began firing again - this sufficiently disconcerted him that he started to retreat and then took cover - and on all but depleting my second pistol's ammunition, I drew my back-up-back-up liquid-phase pistol and began suppressing him with constant fire as I advanced. A volley of fire from the Enderman however forced me to duck, and with a moment's relent he'd teleported away. Thus began a waiting game, as I covered the approach while reloading my pistols using discarded ammuntion recharged with emergency vials of concentrated *Science* that I keep on me at all times.
The stand-off lasted minutes, as I tried to escape, but was penned in as the Enderman popped up on every side. Eventually after fully reloading, and seeing him teleport in one direction, I raced in the other, heading for the exit. He pursued, keen to prevent me escaping. Faced with a lawn, I knew his speed would kill me if I ran, so I made a stand. He waited on the other side of the door. I ducked away, and attempted to mimic fleeing footsteps. He emerged, and as I saw a gun barrel hesitantly appear, I reached blindly round the corner and, channelling the spirit of Lara Croft as best I could, emptied both pistols as quickly as possible, hoping volume would compensate for complete lack of accuracy.
In such close quarters it did, and a scream from the Enderman proved that the ordeal was over, his one shot going wide amid a hail of fire.

The Enderman reports: It was 7:15, and my blocky abode received another knock at the door. This time it was Dr Horrible who had rigged the mechanism up, and so I lost my left arm. Aghast at this, I immediately teleported out after him.

I teleported between him and the gate as he attempted to make his getaway, and chased him up onto the roof. There we engaged in a brief firefight before I retreated, my weapon broken. I crafted a new one and returned, harrying him as he attempted to get off the roof.
Five minutes later, he succeeded in getting off the roof, and as I chased him down he finally landed a shot in my chest. As I faded out into the nothingness, I gazed up at his triumphant pose with scorn...

[21:10]Wheatley (Michael French) stabs That guy right behind you (Jonny Philips). Dr Doofenshmirtz (Andrew Raison) stabs Wheatley

Wheatley reports:

Stabbed Jonny. Andrew stabbed me with a sword that had been recently relabelled as 'not a sword'. He quickly switched to his 'stabby stabby death thing', we took out an arm each, but his live arm still held his shiv and I was overcome.

[23:30]Triumph for Lemony Narrator (Tom Flynn), as he finally manages to take down his eternal tormenther, Stannis the Mannis (Samuel Mackay)

Lemony Narrator reports:

The Mathematical Bridge is the popular name of a wooden footbridge in the southwest of central Cambridge, United Kingdom. It bridges the River Cam about one hundred feet northwest of Silver Street Bridge and connects two parts of Queens' College. Its official name is simply the Wooden Bridge. The bridge was designed by William Etheridge, and built by James Essex in 1749. It has been rebuilt on two occasions, in 1866 and in 1905, but has kept the same overall design. On 15th June 2015 Tom Flynn was passing over the bridge. He was out for a late evening walk to admire the niceness of the college all spotlit up, and he happened to notice one Sam Mackay. He wasn't originally planning to kill Sam Mackay ever on the basis that it would be "too predictable", but Sam had killed Tom about 78 times already, so he thought he may as well get one back.

[23:50] On returning to St. Chad's, Dr Doofenshmirtz (Andrew Raison) is ambushed by Lyca (Emily Jones), but ultimately triumphs.

GlaDOS reports: I didn't mean to set Andrew up. That wasn't part of the plan or anything. But when Emily phoned me to ask whether we were still at the pub, and I told her we were headed back to Chad's, it seemed only natural to add "You could probably ambush Andrew outside the gate." And so she did. As we entered the area, she sprung upwards from a balcony and opened fire, but the two shots she fired missed Andrew, and he snuck away and Emily (and Michael) vanished. The rest of us, slightly bemused, headed up to flet 53, where Andrew would probably be headed, only to find Emily already inside. Michael, it transpired, had lent her his key.

One amongst our number did warn Andrew though, and so he came in all guns blazing. They fought ferociously, using the door as a shield, but Emily's crossbow had trouble firring through the small gap afforded by the ajar door, and eventually Andrew made it inside and beat her to death with a fish.

Tuesday, 16th June

[12:55] 9/11 Truther (Alessandro Mariani) murderises Joe Bonham-Carter (Joe Bonham-Carter)

9/11 Truther reports:

I stabbed Joe Bonham-Carter while he was trying to get food, at 12:55.

[13:00] The delicious food-bounties still stand, of course. In addition, bounties of five points apiece are added to any kills of the following players by anyone ranked lower than them:
The Enderman (Chris Martin)
Natsu Dragoneeel (Joseph Gregory)
Wheatley (Michael French)

[12:50] Battle rages through Sidney Sussex, and Natsu Dragoneel (Joseph Gregory) brings down The Other Guy (Fergus Powell) (again.)

Natsu Dragoneel reports:

A battle between Fergus and I raged in the corridors of Blundell for almost an hour. Most of the time we were just hiding from each other. Eventually I cornered him and he closed himself in his kitchen. On my first attempt to breach the mighty kitchen door, we both lost our left arms - him as a result of nerf gun fire and I as a result of a sword blow. A further attempt to breach the kitchen door led to a glancing blow on the side of Fergus' head. I hid away to reload using only my right hand and my teeth. Whilst this was going on, Fergus was trying to wedge the kitchen door open with the bin so he could leave the kitchen firing with the hand that remained. Unfortunately this failed and after the bin ended up outside the kitchen, he opened the door a couple of inches - enough to get a clean shot at his head.

The Other Guy reports: At 11:50, I passed Mr Gregory on the stairs. We had a no kill agreement until 12, so we exchanged a few awkward words. I then ran and hid in his kitchen for the next half an hour.
Eventually, he entered. We both shot at each other. We both missed. He ran off. I tried to follow him but went the wrong way.
After running up and down stairs for a while, confusing many civilians in the process, I barricaded myself in my kitchen. Mr Gregory opened the door and shot me in the arm as I chopped his arm off with my trusty sword, Fred.
I made a cup of tea.
I realised I couldn't open the door whilst holding my gun as I only had one arm left. I tried to use the bin as a door stop, but it slid out the door and the door slammed shut again. Bother.
Momentarily abandoning my gun, I opened the door a smidgen and Mr Gregory expertly shot through the crack into the top of my head.
If I'd have been rushed to hospital, I reckon I could've pulled through. However, all my friends were in Sainsburys, so I bled to death on the floor at 12:50, listening to my adversary cackling.

[15:50]Man2ouche (Alexis de Vivenot) ends the ender, as The Enderman (Chris Martin) ends up ended.

The Enderman reports: I teleported in, a cheery smile and block of gravel in hands. He replied with a disbelieving frown and a gun. I countered with a sword, he replied by murdering me.

[15:58] It's deja vu all over again, as Natsu Dragoneel (Joseph Gregory) puts another end to Stannis the Mannis (Samuel Mackay).

Natsu Dragoneel reports:

I was strolling back to Sidney, when Sam Mackay walked past. I shot him in the back. Same story as yesterday, different place.

GlaDOS reports:
Me and Lyca (Emily Jones) arrived at Queens' Backs a bit early, only for The companion cube's evil twin (Peter Jordan) to drop out of a tree at us. He and Emily duelled for a while, and eventually Emily was slain.

Then others arrived, and the battles started in earnest. The first was a 3 on 3 game, with Lyca, Companion Cube and '); DROP TABLE Assassins;-- (Twm Stone) taking on The Enderman (Chris Martin), 9/11 Truther (Alessandro Mariani) and Malicious Walrus (Michael Warman); Michael went down, but the rest of his team kept on fighting and pulled out a victory.
The next game was Capture the Flag, with three teams of two each aiming to gather all three flags in their base, and Cave Johnson (our lovely organiser) on the prowl striking down any easy targets. Emily and Peter managed to get several flags into their base, but never all three at the same time; Michael and Twm put up a decent fight, but the game was won by Chris, dashing into Emily and Peter's base and stealing both their flag and the other teams flag, and securing a second win for him and Alessandro.
The third game fought was 'Protect the Admiral'. I was the Admiral. My gun didn't work. This was a short game.
Then we had a free-for-all, the details of which escape me, but there was plenty of shooting and dying and when the dust settled only Emily was still standing.
Then we split into teams of two, both me and Cave Johnson playing this time, with the goal being to wipe out any member of each other team. Emily and Peter fell first, then Michael and Cave. Twm and Alessandro fought hard, but eventually I shot one of them in the chest, winning it for me and Chris.
Finally, a game of teams wherein anyone killed would respawn and the only way to win was to take out every member of a team before the first spawned again. Two teams of three fought valiantly, but were ultimately no match for the duo of Cave Johnson and newcomer Carolyn.

After the battle event came the inevitable sanctioned duels. I myself entered the fray, taking The Caped Crusader (Ben Weber) out with a Roughcut shotgun; then Twm took down Alessandro in a pistol duel before himself falling to Michael; then Michael, in a third pistol duel, shot Peter in the pancreas.

Oh, and Safer Spaces very generously donated two guns to use as prizes: a Storm water gun will now be awarded to the winner of this game, and a NERF Roughcut was to be awarded to the winner of the Battle Event, but the scores were tied, so this is what we're going to do.CHRIS AND ALESSANDRO: the first one of you to kill the other gets the Roughcut. Have at it.

'); DROP TABLE Assassins;-- reports: At about 1730, I stabbed Freddie Brewer. At 1735, I challenged Alessandro to a duel and won. At 1740, Michael challenged me to a duel and won.

Umpire's Note: The rules read "Please note that participants of societies meeting outdoors (such as CSSW and TT) are out of bounds from the moment they meet at the pre-arranged meeting-point and throughout the meeting until at least five minutes after the meeting has been called to a close." Hence, nipping out of the OOB zone to kill a passing player is not allowed, sadly, so Freddie lives on.

Bad Horse reports:
Team 'non-playing thoroughbreds of sin' of two eventually beat various teams of three at 'you resurrect every 30 seconds unless all your team is simultaneously dead' in the longest round of the afternoon. We then had chocolates and cakefaerie cake. Then Uma Thurman used a Hanzo blade to fight off allcomers, for all that these numbered rather less than 88.

Wednesday, 17th June

[10:23] A little bounty is enough for Dr Doofenshmirtz (Andrew Raison) to ends a truce and slay Wheatley (Michael French).

Dr Doofenshmirtz reports:

I noticed michael had a bounty on him, so I meandered into his room stabbed and shot him. Extra points are well worth breaking a truce for

Wheatley reports: Andrew stabbed me like the son of a bitch he is at 10:23.

[13:12] All food bounties are still active, and once of Chris and Alessandro need to kill the other in order to claim the Roughcut. In addition, bounties of five points apiece are added to any kills of the following players by anyone ranked lower than them:
Natsu Dragoneel (Joseph Gregory)
The Enderman (Chris Martin)
'); DROP TABLE Assassins;-- (Twm Stone)
Wheatley (Michael French)

Dr Doofenshmirtz (Andrew Raison)

[11:45] Natsu Dragoneel (Joseph Gregory) kills Uncreative (Basil Woods) (saucily).

Natsu Dragoneel reports:

Basil Woods left his door slightly ajar. I knocked. He asked "who's there?" I knew where he was in the room from this. I opened the door and shot him in the chest. He was only wearing his boxers..... *slightly awkward*

[15:00] '); DROP TABLE Assassins;-- (Twm Stone) takes out Jack Hao (Xiang Hao) for the first but by no means the last time, then claimed the bounties on Natsu Dragoneel (Joseph Gregory)

'); DROP TABLE Assassins;-- reports:

At about 3 o'clock I stabbed Jack Hao in Boots. I then grabbed his corpse and we went for lunch. At about 1530 I returned to my room to find Joe Gregory waiting outside, presumably hoping I would come out to attend a garden party he somehow knew to find me at. We exchanged several shots until finally a lucky one hit him square in the face. If I hadn't been so disorganised, I dread to think what might have happened if I'd been in my room getting ready.

Hopefully someone will now deliver the chocolate bounty... [Umpire's Note: Joe/Gwilym, get right on that.]

Natsu Dragoneel reports: I had information that Twm would be leaving his room around 13.30, so I lay in wait outside his door. Unfortunately, he turned up at the end of the corridor. Nerf fire was exchanged. He shot me in the face.

[16:20] Dr Doofenshmirtz (Andrew Raison) kills The Caped Crusader (Ben Weber)... TO DEATH! (Like, permanently. Batman is down, people.)

Dr Doofenshmirtz reports:

Just encountered Ben on main court. I ran off to regroup/go to the toilet, but after feeling refreshed I followed him to chapel court and killed him in the face.

The Caped Crusader reports: Andrew just scored a hit against me. I haven't been able to get into the game properly, I resign.

[18:05] Wheatley (Michael French) shoots The companion cube's evil twin (Peter Jordan) in the neck.

Wheatley reports:

Passed Peter in the street at 18:02. Shot him in the neck. #bettersafethansorry

The companion cube's evil twin reports: Michael French shot me in a chance encounter on West road at 6:05.

[18:30] '); DROP TABLE Assassins;-- (Twm Stone) killiefies The Other Guy (Fergus Powell)

'); DROP TABLE Assassins;-- reports:

Fergus left his door unlocked. The consequences were fatal.

The Other Guy reports: In a moment of madness just before 7pm, I left my door unlocked for a brief period of time this afternoon. Unfortunately, Twm Stone chose that moment to barge into my room. His first shot missed me as I dived behind a chair (grazing my knee in the process), but before I had chance to lay my hands on a weapon, he stabbed me in the back. Ah well.

[19:30] '); DROP TABLE Assassins;-- (Twm Stone)'s streak continues, with Jack Hao (Xiang Hao) falling to him for the second time.

'); DROP TABLE Assassins;-- reports:

I knew I'd be seeing Jack Hao later in the evening, so when I found out he was going for dinner with some second-years the temptation to pre-emptively kill him was too strong. At least he died surrounded by friends.

[20:14]Wheatley (Michael French) gets revenge on Dr Doofenshmirtz (Andrew Raison)

Wheatley reports:

Shot Andrew at 20:14 like the son of a bitch he is.

<[21:05]span class="headline"> Lyca (Emily Jones) takes out Wheatley (Michael French) with a shotgun.

GlaDOS reports:

Waited in ambush for Michael, who we knew would be headed for the gates at about 9. He came out swinging and took out Emily's arm, but she managed to get the killin blow.

[23:00] Jaqen H'ghar (Freddie Brewer) takes out The Other Guy (Fergus Powell)

Jaqen H'ghar reports:

A man heard from the master of whisperers that he is in danger, and so takes the liberty of scouting outside Sidney Sussex College when he passes by bike to look for an ambush. No one was there, so a man followed the master of whisperers (accompanied by an acolyte girl) into the college to pay his debt to the Many Faced God. Suddenly a boy jumps out and shoots at a man, a man shoots back but misses. A man should return to Braavos immediately to refresh his training. A boy makes the mistake of using a one shot nerf jolt, a man has a nerf strongarm, but a man is blighted by a dodgy knee and so after a man's gun jammed in the follow up shot a boy makes his escape.
A man then accompanies the master of whisperers into the college building. Another boy then leaps out of his room and shoots at a man. A man runs around the corner and shoots, but alas, the master of whisperers lies dead before him. He at least died serving the God of death. A boy was shot in the leg yet made good his escape in the confusion. A boy should stay in his room, but instead decides to come out and shoot at a man. A man has trained at Braavos, and so before long a boy lay dead on the floor.
A girl then spots the first boy, points and tells a man loadly. A girl is keen, but has more courage than sense, and so is not yet ready to become no one. A boy gets into the lift. A man was not quite quick enough to stop the lift at his floor and shoot a boy, and so again a boy makes good his escape. The debt to the Red God has been repaid, a man has many faces, and will be back.

The Other Guy reports: I was warned by an accomplice that Freddie Brewer was in the building. We had a big exciting shooting match - I lost a leg, then my gun misfired at a crucial time and I was fatally wounded with a shot to the stomach. Hopefully my death will be avenged!

Thursday, 18th June

[00:00] '); DROP TABLE Assassins;-- (Twm Stone) stabs the ghost of The Caped Crusader (Ben Weber)

'); DROP TABLE Assassins;-- reports:

Note: You'll probably get an email from Ben about this as well, but basically at about midnight in Cindies, I noticed Ben Weber and stabbed him. He said afterwards that he was intending to resign and had sent an email to you about it. Since I wasn't aware of this, and it hadn't been put on the website, we both thought it "should" count as a kill, but weren't sure exactly what the rules said about resignations, so it's your call.

Umpire's Note: The rules don't currently mention resignation, as far as I can tell, so no help there, but I don't think killing an ex-player should get you points. Sorry.

[09:34] Wheatley (Michael French) gets friendly with That guy right behind you (Jonny Philips) (if you know what I mean).

Wheatley reports:

During a friendly chat to Jonny this morning (09:34), I friendlily stabbed him and continued our conversation.

[14:15] '); DROP TABLE Assassins;-- (Twm Stone) kills Jack Hao (Xiang Hao) twice more in quick succession.

'); DROP TABLE Assassins;-- reports:

It was the Christ's JCR garden party this afternoon, and when I arrived Jack Hao challenged me to an unusual form of duel - combat over a pit of lava. He started strong, raining blows with a solid plank onto me from above, but I braced myself and eventually managed to force him off the narrow platform he stood on.

I then enjoyed the rest of the garden party with him and others, but at about 1830, I was playing piano when I made the mistake of putting my gun down with my phone. Jack Hao then grabbed it, and as I drew my knife, he fired, hitting my right arm. I transferred my knife to the other hand, and dodging more bullets, took off his left arm before stabbing him in the chest.

[14:20] A truel at Catz! Jaqen H'ghar (Freddie Brewer) takes down Dr Doofenshmirtz (Andrew Raison) (and an innocent) before being slain in turn by Wheatley (Michael French)

Jaqen H'ghar reports:

To hone his fighting skills, a man agrees to a dual with Wheatley and Dr Doofenshmirtz at Catz today. A man balletically leaps around Doofenschmirtz's first shot and shot him back, but this left a man in a bad position in the dual with Wheatley as Wheatley had the cover. A man charges at Wheatley, shoots his arm off and then takes a shot which was surely the killing shot. Unfortunately the shot conspires to hit Wheatley's pistol, leaving man with no shots left, and Wheatley then shot a man.

Wheatley reports: Duel outside catz garden party between myself, Freddie, Andrew, and James mediating. Started at 14:20. Andrew opened by shooting James (ie an innoc- well, non player). We all took positions, James called go, and we began the combat. Narrow misses on all counts but Andrew soon falls to a well placed shot by Freddie. Freddie stormed my cover, severing my right arm below the shoulder, and another bullet clipping my gun, before I got him in the side. So Andrew killed James, Freddie killed Andrew, I killed Freddie.

Umpire's Note: For killing a non-player, a bounty of five points is placed on Doofenshmirtz.

[15:40] More bloodshed at Catz garden party, as Wheatley (Michael French) shivs That guy right behind you (Jonny Philips)

Wheatley reports:

Broke a sort of truce with Jonny and knifed him in the back at 15:40. James made me do it. Besides, that means this party's all cleared up.

[Late afternoon] Wolf O'Donnell (Tom Ruddle) takes down Angelica (Anna Tindall) for the good of the galaxy.

Wolf O'Donnell reports:

Good people of the Lylat system... My name is Wolf O'Donnell. I am the leader of the Star Wolf squadron! We know that many of you have a somewhat negative opinion of us. This saddens us greatly, for we love all the people of this great system. But we placed our lives in peril with no thought of reward or glory. Perhaps now, you might find it in your hearts to embrace us as equals. For even the coldest of hearts sometimes yearns for friendship. But Sarah Flaherty left her door open. I can't let you do that, Flaherty.

I also had a pitched battle with Tom Flynn but sometimes, like Fortuna, no-one is the victor.

[18:30] A terrible accident! The companion cube's evil twin (Peter Jordan) accidentally slaughtered Joe Bonham-Carter (Joe Bonham-Carter)! Accidentally!

The companion cube's evil twin reports:

I really should get more sleep. I was walking wearily towards my accomodation building absently inspecting a shuriken when the miraculously healed Joe haled me from his room. I raised my arm in greeting, accidentally letting go of the shuriken as I did so. The errant projectile flew from my hand and arked spectacularly through the air, flying streight through Joe's open window and striking him dead.

[18:30] Wheatley (Michael French) and Dr Doofenshmirtz (Andrew Raison) engage in mutually assured destruction.

Wheatley reports:

Double kill at 18:30, shot each other at the same time.

Dr Doofenshmirtz reports: I respawned, michael and I flailed and killed each other

[22:35] '); DROP TABLE Assassins;-- (Twm Stone) kills Jack Hao (Xiang Hao). AGAIN.

'); DROP TABLE Assassins;-- reports:

Jack Hao told me that he would kill me as soon as he respawned, but at 2235 I called his name, with a pistol in my hand. He spun, and grabbed my wrist, but fortunately I had a knife in the other hand, and he died swiftly.

Umpire's Note: A kill is a kill; take the (by this point not many) points.

[22:37] More Chads-based killification, as Dr Doofenshmirtz (Andrew Raison) wipes out Wheatley (Michael French) and That guy right behind you (Jonny Philips), despite treachery on behalf of the former.

Dr Doofenshmirtz reports:

Michael and I respawned. I took down michael and then Jonny but sadly accidentally shot Steph and Souradip in the crossfire.

Wheatley reports: So - hid Andrew's guns. He found them, so moved one of them. I moved both again, was very satisfying to watch him scramble around on the floor looking for the one he thought he'd lost under the bed. Eventually both respawn, he's hiding in the loo with the gun he'd stashed in the kitchen it turned out. Comes out, manages to beat me and subsequently Jonny in a firefight, so he killed both, but also shot two innocents in the crossfire (Steph and Souradip).

Umpire's Note: Three innocents in one day? Doofenshmirtz is docked five points for persistent non-player killing.

Thursday, 18th June

[03:15] Twenty-one hours to go! All food bounties are still active (kill dressed as death and non-Fergus kill of Joseph Powell), and one of Chris and Alessandro still needs to kill the other in order to claim the Roughcut (if neither manages this, I'll just go with whichever has more points in the game). In addition, bounties of five points apiece are added to any kills of the following players by anyone ranked lower than them:
'); DROP TABLE Assassins;-- (Twm Stone)
Wheatley (Michael French)
Natsu Dragoneel (Joseph Gregory)
The Enderman (Chris Martin)
Dr Doofenshmirtz (Andrew Raison)

And more one-time bounties for bad behaviour:
Dr Doofenshmirtz (Andrew Raison) - five points for killing an innocent.
Lyca (Emily Jones) - five points for stabbing an innocent with a mead horn.

Good luck.

[10:15] Plenty of hot steamy action in St. Chad's, as Wheatley (Michael French)'s magnificent dart punctures Dr Doofenshmirtz (Andrew Raison)'s very heart.

Wheatley reports:

A not-at-all-homoerotic firefight ensued as andrew exited the shower. Despite severe towel slippage on his part he attempted to retaliate, but bled out from a fatal nipple shot at 10:15.

[13:00] Two birds with one Stone; '); DROP TABLE Assassins;-- (Twm Stone) kills Nimrod, Son of Cush (Tom James) and The companion cube's evil twin (Peter Jordan) in quick succession.

'); DROP TABLE Assassins;-- reports:

I hadn't realised that Trinity Hall was such a beautiful college. It was almost a crime that I spoiled it with the blood of Tom James...

As promised, the side gate to Peter Jordan's accommodation was unlocked. It's a shame Peter was the one to promise it, since I shot then stabbed him whilst he was having lunch with a friend.

[14:25] Wheatley (Michael French) de-livers vengeance to Lyca (Emily Jones)' liver.

Wheatley reports:

PS I killed Ems. Thought you should know.

GlaDOS reports: I may or may not have let Michael know when we were leaving to head into town. He may or may not have stepped smartly onto the staircase we were descending and shot Emily in the liver.

[14:45] 9/11 Truther (Alessandro Mariani) takes out The Enderman (Chris Martin) and wins himself a shiny gun, then '); DROP TABLE Assassins;-- (Twm Stone) goes psycho, mowing down Angelica (Anna Tindall), Malicious Walrus (Michael Warman) and perennial target Jack Hao (Xiang Hao)

'); DROP TABLE Assassins;-- reports:

After the success of my two earlier kills, I enlisted the help of Jack Hao and Alessandro to defend myself against the threat posed by the Catz mafia. After trying a lot of rooms without success, finally we got into Emmanuel, and Alessandro shot Chris Martin.

We then tried Sidney, and then back to Clare - Jack Hao knew someone in first year, and they helpfully identified Anna Tindall for us, at a garden party, so I quickly popped over and stabbed her in the back.

Just minutes after leaving Memorial Court, I spotted Michael Warman on the other side of the road. Watching him behind the streams of traffic, a traffic light allowed me to pop across, and I chased him into King's, where a bullet was provided, much to the amusement of the girl walking with him. Upset that I had "cheated him out of a kill", Xiang then shot me in the arm (apparently not learning from last time that this wasn't a kill) and I then stabbed him with my other hand.

[16:00] A raiding party turns up in St. Chad's; Dr Doofenshmirtz (Andrew Raison) sees them off, and slaughters 9/11 Truther (Alessandro Mariani) in the process.

Dr Doofenshmirtz reports:

Firefight in chads at about 1600. I shot alessandro in the face and then twm escaped. But on the brightside no innocents murdered this time :D

'); DROP TABLE Assassins;-- reports:

At this point we decided that since Alex had claimed the bounty on Chris, we should go and pick up the prize, so we went to see the umpire in St Chad's. Trying the rooms without success, I got a text from Michael French informing me that I was, in fact, not in my room. My reply was cut off by a hail of bullets from Andrew, who managed to hit Alex in the liver. At this point, with both my allies dead, I decided to advance very fast in the opposite direction, and went over to Robinson.

[16:10] Wheatley (Michael French) gets '); DROP TABLE Assassins;-- (Twm Stone)got.

Wheatley reports:

Shot Twm at 16:10 after some extended chasing, cat and mouse and baiting texting.

'); DROP TABLE Assassins;-- reports:

Unfortunately we made so much noise on the way up the stairs that the first thing I heard on arrival at Basil's room was the click of a lock, so, frustrated, we made our way out by a circuitous route. This, however, proved to not be circuitous enough - Andrew had tipped Michael off and he was hiding in some bushes, emerging to shoot me once, with the bullet just clipping the top of my head, ironically as I was texting him to tell him where I was.

And so ends a rather psychotic day ... or does it? I'll see you at 2010, Michael.

[17:15] Wheatley (Michael French) kills Dr Doofenshmirtz (Andrew Raison). Again.

Wheatley reports:

I have killed Andrew.

[17:45] Wheatley (Michael French) kills That guy right behind you (Jonny Philips). Again.

[19:30] As the end of the game draws close, Wheatley (Michael French) (103.3 points) and '); DROP TABLE Assassins;-- (Twm Stone) (126.4 points) make kill after kill, both fighting for the top spot.

At 19:35, Wheatley reports: Shot Ems in front of you at roughly 19:35. (107.3)

At 19:55, Wheatley reports: Stabbed Freddie in the Wolfson June Event queue. (114.7)

At 20:11, Wheatley reports: Stabbed Truddle in the Wolfson June Event queue. (124.7)

At 20:16, '); DROP TABLE Assassins;-- reports: When I respawned, I knew Michael had made several more kills, so I immediately killed Xiang in Pizza Express. (126.6)

At 20:53, Wheatley reports: Shot Alessandro at point blank in the chest as he searched the queue. Waiting to see what happens now. (134.7)

At 21:31, Wheatley reports: Stabbed David Calin outside Corpus. I don't know why he was there. I don't care. I'm so close now. (144.7)

At 21:54, '); DROP TABLE Assassins;-- reports: then heard the horrible news that Alex had been killed again, and so knew I needed to make several to regain my place at the top. I tried many targets before finally killing Anna Tindall, ruining a nice evening of watching Thunderbirds with the door unlocked. (133.9)

At 22:14, Wheatley reports: Stab, stab, and Jonny and Andrew are dead yet again. Just entering the gates of OOB safety. May the best psycho win. (145.5)

At 21:54, '); DROP TABLE Assassins;-- reports: As the night got later and I burst into more and more empty rooms, I grew increasingly desperate, and eventually challenged everyone I knew to a duel, hoping the risk would pay off. Unfortunately, most people were unavailable, but Peter agreed to duel me under the arch in King's.

We both took 4 bullets, and then paced 6 times before turning and shooting. Both missed, and we circled before he shot again and I charged, shooting him in the abdomen. (141.3)

I then resumed my walk of solitude around the city, alas with no further kills.

GlaDOS reports: It was close, but Wheatley's last-minute sprint puts him just slightly ahead. Michael French wins!
Thanks for playing, everyone. It's been a great game.

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