The Assassins' Guild - Week 3 News

THE UMPIRE reports:

4 official teams departed from the pub, headed by Doc, Funky, Postmodernist and Kane. They between them got over a dozen kills, with almost the same again gained randomly throughout the day (though a couple of those were targets rather than inco-killing). Impressive day's work, all. (And commiserations to the dead.)

A quick factual summary of the events (I hope), whose chronological order may be very dubious:

Kebab Monkey kills Snail (Mark Cooper), Eatmyapple (Lauren McGinney) and later Natural Selection (Robert J Shearme).
Applied Mathematics kills Sir Killsalot (Wahdana Bilal) and El Duno (Samuel Williams-Dunning).
Sneaky kills Hatter (Aimeric Malter).
Funky (James Brotherston) kills Carmen Sandiego (William Corbyn), but then the police team of Funky and Sneaky (Tom Flynn) gets eliminated by rather-too-competent ihavenoimagination.
Generic Dwarf Horde Member A kills Slenderman (Kahill Sarronwala).
Dain II Ironfoot, Lord of the Iron Hills kills Coiled Snake (Jonathan Michael Foonlan Tsang), and later Wayne (Yiting Cao).
Snorri Gurnisson kills Sitting Duck (Shail Desai).
I Used An Unsuitable Pseudonym, Then Totally Failed To Provide A Replacement kills Zodiac (Anoshan Ananthajeyasri).
THE DEVIL INCARNATE kills Bloody Bobbins (Isabella Luta) and Salt & Pepper (Abi Miller).
Postmodernist kills Ebony (PS), Illumina7us (Johnathan Doyle) and Kebab Monkey (William John Peter Scott).
Laufi kills Tinkerbell (Ben Smith).
Double Dual kills SilentSky (Omar Sabbagh).
The recently resurrected (James Brotherston, again) attempts on A small, innocent rabbit, dies.
Little J fights Diamond Breeze but draws, goes on with Shifty to attempt on RedSquare but still no luck.
The Guaranteed Eternal Sanctuary Man shoots the corpse of Kahill Sarronwala.
And finally, POLITICAL CORRECTNESS GONE MAD!!1! dresses up for Halloween, stabs some people in spoons as part of the costume, and then decided he should report his innocent killing even though it wasn't really Guild-related - and goes Corrupt!

Dain II Ironfoot, Lord of the Iron Hills reports:

Axes are excellent - but do you know what is even better? A device which utilises explosives to propel small metal chips at extremely high velocities in the direction of my enemies. Even the finest wrought armour could not prevent a life being ended by such a device. These armaments can only become more widespread as we enter the 4th age of Middle Earth...

[And later]:

A man escaped me earlier in the day. One who in fact lives close to the Iron Hills. Needless to say, this cannot stand. As punishment for the earlier scene - I removed his legs and then looked on as a fellow dwarven ally completed the kill. But this was not the end of the evening as we spotted the final inactive member of this fortress. And so my blade tasted the blood of another whilst restoring Erebor to glory...

Snorri Gurnisson reports:

On this day, the 31st of October, Snorri of Clan Gurnisson, slew Sitting Duck for Grudge #560893 - Not working on his Oath to slay those who would seek to work against the workings of the Dwarves, with the thrice-wrought pistol handed down the Gurnisson line for generations.
For the Glory of Grugni, The Ancestor God.

Sneaky reports:

MY INCOBASH REPORT FROM TOM FLYNN POLICEASSASIN AGED 21+3/4

First we went to the Bathhouse. The Bathhouse is a pub in Cambridge. Then I was put on a team with James. First we went to [place] where we killed William Corbyn with a nerf gun. It was really easy because they just opened the door. Then we went to [same place] to find [can't remember name] but they were out so we just left a note on their desk. Then we went to [still same place] where there was ihavenoimagination. They were ready for us so we had a gunfight with guns. At first the door was blocked so noone could really aim properly to shoot but eventually I charged in and got killed. Then I was dead so I don't know what happened then. Then after the umpire resurrected us we went to [new place] but we couldn't get in. So then we went to [new new place] to kill [can't remember name] but when we met them they were already dead. We still gave them a biscuit though. Then we went to [new new new place] where some lovely people let us in to try and kill somone else but they weren't in. Then we went to [new new new new place] where I stabbed someone with my swrod. That was the best bit. After that James went home.
Then I went to my friends house where Jonny Tsang lives. They weren't in so we waited a while but then I went home. Also my friend promised not to warn Jonny about me but then later texted me to say they had.
It was a fun day out and I really liked the biscuits.

Generic Dwarf Horde Member A reports:

Kane, Dain II Ironfoot, Lord of the Iron Hills and I set off from the Bathouse at 2ish, and set off across the road to King's. We headed straight for the room of Kahill Sarronwala; with a borrowed band gun (my weapon wasn't quite subtle enough for this sort of thing) I took point, being the police bullet sponge, and knocked. He was polite enough to call out that the door was unlocked, and invite us in. I pushed it open, struggled unceremoniously past some obstruction (I think might have been another door, but it was a bit of a blur) and shot him twice as he lay on his bed studying. In the heat of the moment, it didn't occur to me to let one of my live companions make the kill.
We then scoured the rest of that college where we could, but found everyone to be out or untraceable (here seems the best place to express my displeasure at incomplete addresses; acronyms and abbreviations like "GHC", "NGH" or "Ben" are not, in my professional opinion, good enough).

On hearing of the swift (and hilarious) demise of the team that had set of for [place], and had been single-handedly been cut down by 1 inco, we set off there to clear up the mess. We found that the killer was ominously absent, and moved on to the room of Anoshan Ananthajeyasri, who opened the door to us, before swiftly trying to close it on us again; we ended up wedged in the doorway trying to shoot through a small gap and drop penknives over the door as he stood against it, unarmed. Despite my hypothesis that the 3 of us must therefore have 3 times as much waiting power as him, a ceasefire was eventually called, and he allowed us into his room to collect our projectiles. In return, we advised him on how best to arm himself.
As we made to leave, one of us spotted one of the passers by was Jonathan Michael Foonlan Tsang, a conjecture that was proved correct when they ran as he approached. A chase ensued round the corner, and Kane set off after them shortly after while I waited with our bags. The 2 of them returned reporting success, and the target returned to going about their business.

We visited a few other colleges after that, but had no further luck.
Since we managed to shoot 2 targets, and were not harmed ourselves, I'll consider this a success.
Generic Dwarf Horde Member A.
Report Ends

THE DEVIL INCARNATE reports:

THEIR DEEDS IN LIFE HAVE BEEN JUDGED AND FOUND GUILTY.

THEY HAVE BEEN DRAGGED DOWN INTO THE DEPTHS OF HELL.

AND GIVEN CANDY.

Isabella Luta AND Abi Miller, MAY YOUR SOULS LIVE FOREVER IN ETERNAL FLAME.

NEXT TIME WHEN SOMEONE REVERSE-TRICK-OR-TREATS YOU ON THE DAY OF THE INCO-BASH, REFRAIN FROM OPENING YOUR DOOR.

Postmodernist reports:

"... spontaneous overflow of powerful emotions recollected in tranquility"
How can one philosophise (in the greek sense of philosophein) after taking someone's life? Only recollecting the events I experienced in the tranquility of my room I can make sense of all this. What better way is there than offering one's narration as a sacrifice?
I headed off with Satan and Brienne of Tarth along the route assigned to us by the Chief of Police. We first visited [a] College and Satan took the life of incompetent Isabella Luta, who carelessly opened her door. To ease the pain of death we offered her sweets.
We then approached the next college, where we managed to get in one of the card-protected staircases. The person there had put behind the door leading to his corridor lots of those signs bedders use to say "slippery here!", so that if we opened they'd know. We tried to figure out a way to get them, but had a bad feeling and got out.
We then headed looking for PS, one of my targets and also incompetent. Pretending to "trick or treat" wearing my scarf as a bandana, I shot her with my NERF gun, and gave her sweets (so it was trick and treat).
Next college. I and Satan attempted to lure out William John Peter Scott promising sweets. He said we'd have to throw them through his window. Since he'd heard two people, Satan and Brienne went to his window to throw sweets and maybe shoot him. He thought he was safe, so got out of his room unaware that I was waiting for him. He died with a water shot in his chest. I also convinced Johnathan Doyle to open his door, and shot him with a rubber-band gun.
After this, [another college]. They have very good security, and although we tried in many ways we couldn't get into Laufi's flat. We managed to enter Abi Miller's accomodation, but there was a second locked door. We figured out her window and hoped we could cause her to appear and then snipe her with my NERF shotgun, but an ambulance came and we thought it was best to leave. [Umpire: Correct, well done.]
We found the room of the third incompetent, but she wasn't in.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS GONE MAD!!1! reports:

So today I went to 'Spoons dressed as the Fisher-King from Doctor Who. Then I met someone dressed as Garth from Wayne's World, and said, "Party on, Garth", to them. They responded with, "Hey, party on Wayne!" I was Wayne, there could be no other. Later on I bumped into someone dressed as Wayne. So I mouthed, "The Dark, the Sword, the Forsaken, the Temple" at them, and showed them the dreaded symbols. Then I stabbed them, for I AM WAYNE, NOT HE! Also, I may have also stabbed someone else who glanced at the Fisher-king's symbols, for plot continuity. I now realise the error of my ways, and accept you all may well try to kill me. Well that's just POLITICAL CORRECTNESS GONE MAD!!1!

The Inevitable Demise reports:

The time was 11:15. The mission: Kill Ben Weber. I'd been waiting my entire career for this moment. [Umpire's note - which was about five minutes.] We knocked on his door. We waited with baited breath.

No response.

Then Flunked shot me, the corrupt [censored].

Flunked reports:

After seeing Ben Weber's name up on the wanted list I concluded the most logical thing to do was kill Curtis James Reubens.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS GONE MAD!!1! reports:

James just got me as I was leaving my room to duel with him, the swine!

Flunked reports:

Killed Ben Weber for being wanted (I do occasionally uphold the law) as he was leaving his room for a duel I may have organised with him.

Faquarl reports:

So, looks like I've been summoned. Checking through my instructions it appears that this particular master is competant and has minimised the trouble I can cause whilst doing my job. I can't even kill randomers who are bearing weapons. The job happens to be killing rebels and incompetants. Suits me just fine.

First target is an inco in my own college, which is nice and easy. They even opened their door when I knocked. But alas, it was an animated corpse. Drat.

Next target is close by, but I couldn't get past the guardians at the gates. Security was unusually tight, stealthy souls like me usually have no problem getting into a college. This might not bode well... Will try again later.

Faquarl reports:

[REDACTED] proved to be oh so troublesome - not only do I have to have a card to get in, but a friendly stranger's card won't let me into anyone else's flat. Hmmmm.

Now it seems that a police spirit has disobeyed orders and killed another police spirit. This is unfortunate as my master has tasked me with removing him and this is likely to be tricky. So I approached his room, knocked and got no answer for ages. Knocked again. Still no answer for ages. Eventually he flings the door open, we exchanged fire and both missed. Since he was an old acquaintance and the door protected both of us from each other we had a friendly chat, during which he arranged for my demise at the hands of nanospeed. I was distracted by no less than my master, Snow White, herself.

Since I was then spirited away to the other place, I can't tell you what happened next... (but it was hilarious)

nanospeed reports:

While around town today I received a curious message from the corrupt policeman James Brotherston informing me he was trapped in his room by another policeman, Frederick Brewer, and could I please save him. Although suspicious of a trap I turned up anyway, finding said policeman armed and bearing at the door to James' room, at which point I promptly shot him in the back of the shoulder. A curious state of affairs followed. The bullet from my gun having apparently vanished into thin air I found myself weaponless, thus allowing the cautious James to exit his room, at which point much banter ensued. During this time, as I was searching for my bullet, I came upon a melee weapon hidden in my bag. Taking my chance I stabbed James between the ribs, ending his corrupt life. My luck only grew from there as another assassin, Jonathan Phillips, turned up and joined the chat, though being careful not to draw his weapon. However, an opportunity arose for him to play a prank on another member present, and he drew his gun to point it at this person's head. His death was swift as I lunged and stabbed him in the chest.

A small, innocent rabbit reports:

I was going innocently about my rabbity business, not at all pointing guns at the umpire. And then I was brutally stabbed by a big nasty knife to the chest, which left me sad. And rather dead. But mainly sad.

Snow White reports:

I tied Jonny's shoelaces together for fun, he threatened me with my own gun, nanospeed stabbed him for bearing. Ha.

THE UMPIRE reports:

To summarise what happened, Joaquin Vasquez shot incompetent Vinnie in a dining hall. Which is a no-projectile zone!

The Mysterious Lighthouse Keeper, Old One-Eyed John hears of this, assumes Joaquin Vasquez is now Wanted. People are only valid targets once they're up on the Wanted List, not as soon as the crime is committed!

The Mysterious Lighthouse Keeper, Old One-Eyed John approaches Joaquin Vasquez with a sword, Joaquin Vasquez shoots in self-defence. Still in the dining hall, still illegal! But makes my job easier, as it means The Mysterious Lighthouse Keeper, Old One-Eyed John hasn't made an invalid kill.

Doc reports:

I saw Tom Wordsworth outside his lecture this morning, so I shot him.

Flonked reports:

Curtis stabbed me, around 10:15, with a knife in revenge for killing him in revenge.

It Happened reports:

I stabbed James and I'm not even sorry.

The small, suspicious-looking lemon sitting in the corner of the room, which Snow White will undoubtedly notice and eat because she's a moronic fairytale princess and they always eat suspicious-looking foodstuffs because of plot reasons reports:

Symbols, numbers, vectors - all
An admirable art,
But all these figures can't forestall
A dagger in the heart.

I waited in the corridor
Throughout his lecture hour,
And then, as he came through the door,
He fell into my power.

Joaquin Vasquez reports:

Redemption at last! I have never had a more tense and paranoid morning. I suspected ambushes around every corner, every person in the lecture room was potentially going to tail me on the way out. Luckily, I was tipped off to Josephâ??s location at lunch, and managed to sneak behind him and stab him. My life as a wanted man will soon be over, thank god.

Joaquin Vasquez reports:

Having just managed to kill Joseph McGuchan, I felt like I had some serious momentum so I decided to kill again the other person I killed illegally yesterday, Karolina. This was done with the help of a friend, who knocked on her door asking for a can opener. Karolinaâ??s final words were â??Like, specifically for cans?â?? and then [censored].

So now I have killed two people twice. The circle is closed. They died, and lived again, and died again.

Stanley reports:

I killed Oliver today as he ate his dinner, creeping up behind him before putting my sword to his throat. He died rather unexceptionally, as his friend chided, 'I told you this was coming.'. Nobody saw me enter, and no one saw me leave.

Letisha Al-Sadd reports:

Oh the woe,

This evening my incompetence was not only conceptual but a reality.

Whilst suckling peacefully on my German Sausage at dinner this evening, I let my guard down under the false assumption murder was not permitted in dining halls. I characterise my death as such:

"Beneath the gaze of the former Masters of [This College] I felt a warm hug from behind - although this was not from a lover. Instead death had made a visit. The cold harsh measured edge of his ruler ran along my adolescent neck, paralysing me instantly and killing me soon after."

Stanley took yet another victim tonight - I can only wish him the best as the game continues.

It Happened reports:

Okay so the reason I killed James was as part of a convoluted plan which would end with the death of muscle power mouse, hopefully. I decided to not go through with this plan for several reasons, not least of which is that a corrupt policeman engineering the death of an innocent player would probably give Snow White an aneurysm. [I wouldn't have allowed the kill.....]

So I stabbed James again instead.

Oh, and muscle power mouse killed me shortly after, but I was kind of expecting that. Hello, sweet kiss of death. Come, take me into your arms once more...

muscle power mouse reports:

While walking last night in a small group we were joined by the corrupt policeman Curtis James Reubens who promptly stabbed James Brotherston for what was to be the second time that day. Quietly aware that Curtis was a valid target for myself (and that while dead, James was no longer a threat), I waited as we continued towards our destination. As we approached, I swung round and shot Curtis in the chest, thus another corrupt policeman has been silenced.

Dear Sir Umpire, 1st Baronet of the Forest,

It has been a while now since I have made a report to you, but rest assured that I have not been idle. A gentleman such as myself has little time for leisure, but much time for skulduggery and cautious pursuit of prey, and it is in that which I have been engaged. Even now, the metaphorical noose tightens around the metaphorical neck of my literal targets (I, for one, having carefully perused the rules of armament [Amen.]), and I remain confident that within but a few days, I shall make the final strike.

However, with the publication of that most excellent tome (Thee Liste of People and Places wherein Valid Murder may be Made, or Wherein Those Being Guild of thee Stain of Incompetence are Made Known to the Publick), it was elected that my anaemic friend Transparent Ghost and myself would engage in a minor mission to murder a malingering man whose incompetence had embarrassed the Guild such that they placed his name in this tome.

Our gay flight down the streets of Cambridge resulted in us being outside his door, just as the clocks of the churches struck half past the ninth hour of the evening. We knocked, being reputable individuals, and an answering cry came from within. In front of me, my ghostly friend initiated a ghastly question, enquiring as to whether they had perhaps met before. The gentleman seemed confused as to this direction of questioning (quite naturally) and picked up a bottle of some brown, noxious fluid. I thought perhaps it was a concealed blade, and so readied myself for action. He walked across the room, and stood directly in front of us, still looking confused. I could see my companion's hand inching towards her lightsaber- but it would be all too slow, too slow! As he took breath for the next sentence, I lunged with my knife-pen and stabbed him through the peritoneum. But alas! It had no effect on the shambling corpse with a semblance of life that now stood before our terrified eyes. 'I'm already dead!' rasped the ghoul. 'Take it up with the Umpire-guy!' We fled the place, not wishing to risk the wrath of this thing, animated perhaps on All Hallow's Eve to torment the living, and offered up prayers for the poor deparated soul of the man who had once dwelt there.

With the best regards, and an earnest promise to attempt to secure the death of a man, not a corpse, in future,

The Gentleman

Firequeen101 reports:

After surviving 3 days on the incompetence list, this morning the action kicked off. After thwarting and killing the assassin waiting in front of my door, my smug self failed to spot my tail and was consequently stabbed in the back on my way out of college by a gentleman named gang5ta dw4rf y0.
So long.

Umpire's addition - Dorina killed Life-Insurance Payout Man! despite them not being bearing. This would have left Life-Insurance Payout Man! dead but Dorina Wanted. However, it was done with a Bang-Kill from significantly over a metre away, and so was not even a valid kill, and thus the kill has been annulled!

Life-Insurance Payout Man! reports:

[Umpire: Obviously Life-Insurance Payout Man! has not been killed after all, but the report was worth leaving up.]

PAYOUT NOTICE!

YOUR NAME:

____[REDACTED!]_________

REASON FOR PAYOUT:

____Death while hunting an incompetent_____

REASON FOR PAYOUT DENIAL:

____Failure to warn of preexisting condition - would be hunting incompetents___

YOUR LIFE INSURANCE PAYOUT WAS DENIED!

OTHER NOTES:

___________Dorina Pokai is currently under investigation for Life-Insurance Malpractice as she sold life insurance to you while you were not bearing a weapon.___________

THANK YOU FOR SHOPPING WITH US!

(Inquiries about purchasing Life Insurance should still be forwarded to Life-Insurance Payout Man!, preferably in person and while on either the Incompetence or the Wanted Lists. Please redirect all messages from LIVE-PLAYER-AVENUE to POLICE-STREET.)

gang5ta dw4rf y0 reports:

y0000 m9 ur gettin thi5 as actual 3ngl1sh, even a G4N5T4 needs a day off sometimes
8:30 gang5ta dw4rf y0 is in a perfect ambush position outside the incompetent Dorina Pokai's staircase
8:35 A Dorina Pokai lookalike walks out of [staircase REDACTED - the correct one!]. This must be her! gang5ta dw4rf y0 nips briskly to the ambush point, and strikes with the Epic Ruler-Knife, meanwhile asking this person' name...
8:36 It's not Dorina Pokai. [CENSORED]. I'm Wanted now. [CENSORED]
8:37 "But I do know Dorina Pokai!" says the innocent civilian corpse. [CENSORED] - I've blown my cover as well...
8:40 Ok, so hopefully if I actually get 1 licit kill - i.e. if I kill Dorina Pokai, I won't be Wanted any more......right!? [Wrong! But it does lower your sentence.]
8:41 And, if Dorina Pokai wants to make it to her lecture in time, she'll be emerging pretty soon...
8:42 Which is just as well, because it's [CENSORED] freezing out here.
8:45 Light goes out in a room that might well, judging from its rough position, be Dorina Pokai's. And ANOTHER Dorina Pokai doppelgaenger emerges from the staircase. This time I want to be safe (or rather, s444444444444444444f m8) rather than sorry. So I ask first, just as the Epic Ruler-Knife draws near her back...
8:46 Which is handy, because it's still not Dorina Pokai.
8:47 "She's still inside her room - sorry." [CENSORED] - I've blown my cover twice now.
8:55 Been waiting a while now. Maybe Dorina Pokai isn't even going to go to her lecture. Maybe both her friends have warned her.
8:59 Life-Insurance Payout Man!, aka UNKNOWN ASSASSIN!, walks past me. Suspicious glances all round. Life-Insurance Payout Man! strolls into Dorina Pokai's staircase.
9:00 Life-Insurance Payout Man! and Dorina Pokai emerge together. Right, this time it'd better be the real Dorina Pokai. (Unbeknownst to me, Dorina Pokai has just [not] killed Life-Insurance Payout Man!, and presumably thinks she has escaped from the threat which her friends had warned her about...)
9:01 gang5ta dw4rf y0 advances briskly, thanks Dorina Pokai politely for holding the gate open for him, and stabs her in the back as an added bonus.
9:02 Dorina Pokai's last words: "Oh...and I'd just killed someone (Life-Insurance Payout Man!, I guess?) as well..."
9:03 gang5ta dw4rf y0 hopes he isn't Wanted any more now... [Bad luck.]

P.S.

5W44444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444G.

gang5ta dw4rf y0 reports:

............ [CENSORED] m9 ...........

13:30 gang5ta dw4rf y0 invites Doc to come and duel him in [a place]. #DarwinAward

13:50 Doc spends 20 minutes failing epically to find gang5ta dw4rf y0 in [the place]. #lol #fail #JustSayin

13:51 Doc and gang5ta dw4rf y0 meet in one of the $waggity $waaaaag old courts yooo0oo000o. #swag

13:52 Doc does one of those funny Wild West pistol twirl things. #yolo #y0l0 #nofilter

13:53 gang5ta dw4rf y0, quite understandably, freaks out at this and runs away #DiscretionIsTheBetterPartOfValour

13:55 gang5ta dw4rf y0 takes a pot shot at Doc, who is very obviously bearing. Doc sidesteps this with insolent ease. #sorrynotsorry

13:56 gang5ta dw4rf y0 is now armed only with a nerf jolt and a nerf bullet. The bullet is not actually in the jolt. Time to run away again. #NoBulletSelfie #omg

13:57 Doc takes a pot shot at gang5ta dw4rf y0 and clips his right arm. #instanerf #nofilter #ski11z

13:58 gang5ta dw4rf y0 #dives #into #a #random #staircase #and #hides #in #there. Doc #can't #see #where #he's #hiding.

14:00 Epic discussion phase. #bantz #BANTER #bantAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Doc reports:

I go to [kills some other guy], but on the way I realise I have passed the home of Matthew Coates. Some swift lurking, and I get in, shooting him once in the chest. I proceed onwards, but cannot get into the necessary staircase, so I leave.

O_O reports:

I killed James Kendall in the first floor corridor of [a college] at about 9:15pm using an attacking animal, he is not my target but he was holding a weapon(sword) at that moment.

Snow White reports:

After four days of no-one coming to claim the original kill of Jiabing Yan, and at least three corpse-killings that I know of, well I just had to do something. The woods just won't stand for this kind of chaos! It's been going on so long, I can't even be sure who killed Jiabing Yan second, so the only way to make it fair is that no-one gets the kill. Guess that leaves it up to me, oopsie!

So, I gathered my cloak and my basket, and I packed a little picnic, as the woods are very big, and I didn't want to get peckish now. And in the basket I also put a special piece of special paper, with Jiabing Yan's name written on it, in my best handwriting. And I went into the woods, by the big path from my house, and went left, left, right, left, straight and left again, until I came to the big tree.

It's a very old tree, and a very big one, and it has all kinds of memories and stories; oh, and in front of it there's a lovely little pedestal made from twisted roots, it's just so pretty. So I sat down by the tree, and nibbled some of my picnic, but I'm saving the rest for later, as I wasn't too hungry. And I took my special paper, and I laid it on the pedestal, and I took the special knife I'd also packed, and I plunged it through Jiabing's name, and into the tree, and the whole wood went dark, and the sky flashed purple fire, and a hollow gong intoned the channelled will of the woods as they rendered the mortal body of Jiabing and sundered his soul, and then everything was calm again, so I had some of the little sandwiches and began to walk back. Oh I do hope the dwarves didn't miss me, they get so awfully scared when I'm out alone!

gang5ta dw4rf y0 reports:

[CENSORED] the police.

The Gentleman reports:

Dear Baron Umpire,

Following my previous missive regarding the re-slaying of the zombie Assassin Jiabing, I resolved to ward myself against the dark magicks that currently haunt Cambridge, and thus attended chapel and warded myself against the evil terrors that lurk in the dark places of this fair city. With the blessing of the priest ringing in my ears, I took to my bed and slept soundly. [I apologise for the recent tainting of the city - Snow White's dark rituals can have that effect. Everyone needs a hobby.]

And so it was that I survived the night, enjoyed a memorable morning and this afternoon met up with my lady-friend, a pleasure that I had long foregone, set about as I am by the tides of life, which rend people apart. Upon our meet, we exchanged chaste greetings, and then resolved to strength our bond with bloodshed, and to remove the incompetents of [a college] from this world. Swirling our metaphorical coats around us, we did stride the endless miles to the far-off college which was our destination. I cast glances about me, for dusk was falling, and attack from zombie velociraptors can come at any moment.

We reached the place unhindered, and were fortunate enough that they had not yet heard news of the impending apocalypse (not us, the undead horde), and that their sturdy gates hung open before us. We walked through, and were confronted by a most beautiful set of grounds, with impressive buildings scattered around, as giant throws its toys. Our destination was set, though, and we could not tarry. We approached a set of clockwork doors, but alas! Our tokens did not serve us here in this most distant of places, and so we were forced once more to resort to the subtle art of subtle subterfuge. A shadowy figure came out of the dusk. I clutched my holy lightsaber in my fist, but he was living, or else so close as to make no ends. He smiled at us, as I rummaged through my pack, and opened the dread portal. We entered and my lady-friend politely held open the door, like the soul of generosity that she is. We then turned, and ascended the stairs.

Our first target was on the second floor, and we made a rapid reconnaissance, to find that his door was ajar. Aghast at this display of friendliness, I bid my lady-friend wait, for surely if he lacked the caution to bar the world from his safe place, he must already be succumbing to the disease! But my lady-friend is brave, and took my hand in hers, and together we closed with the man who sat there. 'Peter Dennison?' I enquired, like a good neighbour, not a murderer? 'Yes?' he confirmed, with a smile on his innocent face. My knife took him in the chest. As he slumped, I detected not sadness in his demeanour, but rather a sense of relief. I offered flapjack for the ferryman (having expended my hobnob supply for now), but it transpired that he was amply supplied with bribery for his passage, and so we left the room, before his corpse could rise behind us.

On the rest of our attempts, there is little to report. Our knocks on the doors of the two other rooms of the incompetents proved futile, and we took counsel again with one another, and departed the place, so as not to reveal ourselves prematurely by malingering. The long walk home was again terrifying, and again, without incident.

I hope that this message finds you well, and that you remain free of the contigation which I fear may soon doom us all.

I remain,
The Gentleman

RedSquare reports:

Post-mortem report: RedSquare has been thoroughly humiliated by Thorin Oakenshield by being caught unaware and shot with a slingshot whilst foolishly confident of the safety of his own room. Alas, poor RedSquare, we hardly knew ye!

Thorin Oakenshield reports:

Thorin Oakenshield: It is here in these halls.
Dwalin: We have searched and searched everywhere.
Balin: We all want to see the Wolfsonian slain.
Thorin Oakenshield: And yet it's still not found!
Balin: Do you doubt the loyalty of any of us? The Wolfsonian is the birthright of our people.
Thorin Oakenshield: It is the Duke's Birthright. AM I NOT The Duke? Know this. If anyone should find the Wolfsonian and withhold it from me, I will be avenged.

Thorin enters the cavern and finds Smaug the Wolfsonian Dragon, asleep and lying on his back, his soft underbelly exposed.

Thorin Oakenshield: After journeying so far and so long, it comes to this... how kind fate has been to me today.

He hefts his blade two-handed and plunges it down, deep into the beast's belly.

Thorin Oakenshield: It is done. Now my people can reclaim their home.

--

And with that, The Duke has managed a kill at every college in the university!

Doc reports: Henry Faull accepted his death with grace. Kevin Lin accepted his death with dignity. Jordan Holgate stood up, tried to speed walk around his table to escape, and upon realising that that wouldn't work, offered to buy me cookies if I didn't kill him. Me, the Chief of Police! Of course I accepted refused this offer, and promptly stabbed him for his insolence.

Bagel Barrage reports:

On November 4th at something past six I was sitting on my bed with the door of my room left unlocked. Chief of the Rozzers walked in and shot me. Felt like a bit of a mong.

These are the researches of Herodotus of Halicarnassus, which he publishes, in the hope of thereby preserving from decay the remembrance of what men have done, and of preventing the great and wonderful actions of the Greeks and the Barbarians from losing their due meed of glory; and withal to put on record what were their grounds of feuds. According to the Persians best informed in history, the Phoenicians began to quarrel. This people, who had formerly dwelt on the shores of the Erythraean Sea, having migrated to the Mediterranean and settled in the parts which they now inhabit, began at once, they say, to adventure on long voyages, freighting their vessels with the wares of Egypt and Assyria. They landed at many places on the coast, and among the rest at Argos, which was then preeminent above all the states included now under the common name of Hellas. Here they exposed their merchandise, and traded with the natives for five or six days; at the end of which time, when almost everything was sold, there came down to the beach a number of women, and among them the daughter of the king, who was, they say, agreeing in this with the Greeks, Io, the child of Inachus. The women were standing by the stern of the ship intent upon their purchases, when the Phoenicians, with a general shout, rushed upon them. The greater part made their escape, but some were seized and carried off. Io herself was among the captives. The Phoenicians put the women on board their vessel, and set sail for Egypt. Thus did Io pass into Egypt, according to the Persian story, which differs widely from the Phoenician: and thus commenced, according to their authors, the series of outrages. reports:

At 11:00 today, I strode boldly into [a college] for an attempt on the life of an incompetent.

At 11:15, I departed from [the college] having failed to find this person's building.

I resolved to return tomorrow after consulting the interweb map thingy, and reconsidering my plans to switch to the Geographical Tripos.

Seratos reports:

You are startled into awakeness by the noise of your alarm. Groaning, you turn around in bed and slap your hand onto the 'snooze' button. The pillow crackles against your ear. As the clock lights up, you stare blearily at the numerals 04:00:12, 13....

You're confused. You didn't set your alarm last night, as far as you remember, and you certainly wouldn't set it for four in the morning. How did-

The crackliness of your pillow finally registers in your mind. There is something lying there just under your head. It's papery. Running your hands over it in the darkness tells you that even though you've been sleeping on it for whoever knows how long, it hasn't aquired many creases. It must have been planted recently.

Sighing, by now knowing exactly how your alarm got set to that awful time, you click on the bedside light and squint at the scrawl of blue ink.

Remember, remember, the fifth of November: Gunpowder, treason and plot.
Though it might be prudent to say - I'm a student. A poet I'm certainly not.
I waited, then acted: she came out [redacted]; I felled her with one single shot.
Then deserted poor Marta with no beating heart - ah, there's irony there (quite a lot!)

Sorry to wake you up for this; I decided my chocolate was worth more than your sleep time.

With Kindest Regards,
Seratos.

Geraldine Barker reports:

A shot in the back of my head from a watergun ended my life on Thursday, the 5. of November, at approximately 13.02, in from of my lecture hall. The murdered offered me chocolate biscuits. A person who was accompanying me got one too. I took two, because I felt that I deserved them, having just been insidiously assassinated.

Generic Dwarf Horde Member A reports:

Milling arround my boat club BBQ, I happened across the inco Aatif Sayed in the crowd. After confirming with the umpire that we were inbounds, I quietly stabbed him, the large number of potential witnesses perversely providing an ideal way to avoid notice in the crowd.

[To clarify: It was a whole-college event, organised by a society, so not really a society meeting, that was essentially a pubmeet, which is in-bounds anyway. For this kind of thing it's absolutely right to check with the Umpire beforehand - better to miss a potential kill than to go Wanted.]

Shrek reports:

I met Doc in the pub. I mention to Doc that Lord Farquaad is trying to kill me but I'm safe with a beer in hand. Doc remarks that actually I'm in bounds and as he does so, pulls out a deadly weapon. Nothing comes between me and a beer, so I stabbed Doc. Sadly his medical knowledge was not enough to save him.

Doc reports:

I meet Shrek in the pub. Shrek suddenly feels the need to use my body as cover to hide from the watchful guise of a passing assassin. I remark that Shrek is explicitly in bounds according to the rules, at the same time pointing out that I am holding a knife. Shrek stabs me. So much for friendship.

[Oh come on, you walked right into that.]

Havelock reports:

I was brutally and fatally stabbed by Applied Mathematics with a knife at about 3 minutes past 10 this morning.

Applied Mathematics reports:

In the exact same manner as the previous proof, there was only so much protection in pure lectures available to one of the incompetent assassins of the CMS. I attached to my pencil the insolubility of the electric field of a infinitely sharp charged needle, and then stabbed them with it.

Sonic Hedgehog Like That Gene reports:

At 12pm today, I was exiting my lecture hall, unaware that nanospeed was lying in wait to ambush me, expertly blending into a group of students for cover. I passed her, totally unsuspecting, and felt the sharp stab of her weapon (a pen) in my torso. Alas, as two years of the Cambridge medicine course has equipped me with no life-saving skills whatsoever, I was unable to prevent myself from exsanguinating.

(Full marks for stalking skillage)

nanospeed reports:

Today I waited still,
Outside the lecture hall,
Quietly and certain,
My target soon would fall.

Time ticked on slowly,
Yet still I waited more,
Until at last I spotted
Her walking out the door.

When finally I reached her,
Oblivious she seemed,
Till suddenly she realised,
What I must have surely schemed.

There was nothing she could do
As I stabbed her in the chest.
Another one is dead,
Now it's time to find the rest.

Ace of Diamonds reports:

Incompetence?! Absurd! The Ace was not incompetent, he was simply biding his time. Nevertheless, the increased risks meant that getting a kill was on the cards, and he had already survived for almost a week without incident. Of course, a suitable weapon had to be fashioned first: a battering spade, perhaps, or a more troglodytic club over the head. Too much effort, the Ace thought. It would be far easier to create diamond throwing knives - yes, that would be far more fitting. Keep a few on hand at all times, waiting to fling them straight into his target's heart and watch the life drain from their eyes.

But alas, the knives were never to taste blood. As the Ace was retrieving his bicycle, shuffling the key around in the unaccommodating lock, the King of Spades appeared on the pavement, and the two exchanged friendly greetings. They had had a brief spat earlier in the year but had soon gotten over it, and were now well acquainted with each other; however, a familiar glint shone in the King's eyes as he pulled a pistol from his pocket, too quickly for the Ace to check his own weapons.

The Ace folds.

Doc reports:

I hear a prize for
writing verse
appeared so I'll
keep this terse
but in getting kills
some were adverse
so I had no option
but to find and coerce
those with morals to
try and traverse
these qualms and
immerse
themselves in
acts adverse
for the Guild wants to
keep actions diverse
and after all I
bought a purse
to fill with cookies and
treats to disburse
so those who kill
I reimburse
even careless victims though
it seems perverse
but then again is there
an inverse?

so I call out
and we converse
but he spots things
are getting worse
and I've had no time
to rehearse
so I shoot and
muffle his curse
and try to help but
I'm no nurse so I
check the
reverse -
time to
disperse
and
call the hearse

[Somewhere in the distance, from the woods perhaps, you hear faint screams about having to insert HTML line breaks manually and poetry, but you can't quite make out the words. No matter. On with the rhymes.]