Cloak & Dagger The Assassins' Guild - May Week News

Friday, 13 June

[17:35 PM] May the odds be ever in your favour!

The May Week game has begun! And in grand tradition of a whole year, the Umpires are offering a bounty for the first kill made with a snowball (yes, one made of actual frozen water.) Pictographic evidence required. The prize will be a bottle of mead (that alcohol of the frozen North) with non-alcoholic alternatives on request.

[19:09 PM] The first cannon of the game sounds for Noether (Bryn Dickinson), as Tom Nook (Thomas Ruddle) counts her out.

Tom Nook reports:

Ohohoho! I found my first taker for one of my special loan schemes at 7pm today. I got Noether started on one of my basic mortgage plans, although I'm sure I can persuade them to keep up these loans - we have such a good business relationship now! It seems that Noether will be working in my shop - they obviously didn't have enough money to repay it, so, from the goodness of my heart, I accepted labour as collateral - it should only take a few weeks to pay it off. Although a mortgage as good as that doesn't come without interest... You could say I made them an offer they couldn't refuse!

Noether reports: A nefarious villain has shot me! At 19:09, Tom Ruddle marched up to me with evil intent in his eyes, at the last moment revealing a cunningly concealed pistol and gunning me down on the street outside Dojo. My revenge shall be bloody.

[21:00 PM] Demos attempts to catch out May-Murderer via an accomplice, but no blood is spilt - this time.

May-Murderer reports:

While showering, I heard a knock at my door. I passed my computer on the way to get a towel and saw a new email flashing on screen. Something about a troupe of highly trained assassins having just arrived to try and take me out. I paid it no heed, they wouldn't have found me so quickly, surely.

I wrapped the towel around my waist and padded over to the door. When the man standing behind saw my chiseled abs glistening, his well rehearsed story fell apart with astonishing rapidity. 'How bold, yet foolish,' I mused 'to move so fast with such an ill trained accomplice.' Nevertheless, I wasn't going to waste this opportunity to find out the identity of my would-be killer. I kept talking, yet staying receded under the pretense of modesty - as if I need to be modest rocking a body like this - watching the accomplish stumble over words, trying desperately to come up with some valid reason for me to stick my head out the door.

Eventually, he could remain patient no longer. He began to lunge from around the corner, wielding a knife. Without as much as a moment's hesitation I shifted my weight backwards, closing the door and moving my head up to peep hole to see whom my erstwhile stalker was:

Demos, watch your back.

- MM

Saturday, 14 June

[10.29 AM] Not sure about the pseudonym - what do w need it for? xx(Ted Loveday) kills Demos (Christof Epaminondas)

Not sure about the pseudonym - what do w need it for? xx reports: Killed Christof Epaminondas, 10.29am Saturday, with deadly rapier, in Sidney Sussex gardens, having ambushed him as he was carrying a crate of champagne

[11:22 AM] Geeksoc picnic turns into a bloodbath, Tom Nook (Thomas Ruddle), Foxface (Curtis Reubens), Lobotomobile (Max Baxter-Allen) and Jay Wratten (Tom Flynn) all kill each other!

Tom Nook reports: Ohohoho! I went to a large meeting of potential vict...I mean customers today. They were initially there for discussing some fantasy rubbish, but my prices are even more fantastic! None turn down my amazing offers - especially not Foxface, who at 11.22 signed a contract for a long term indentur...I mean insurance contract with extremely good rates of interest for his type. I mean, it's hard enough to get credit in District 5! However at 2.11, a Lobotomobile refused one of my amazing deals with a katana. It made me very sad - I only want to help him!

Foxface reports:
Assassins! The finest of games.
(Well, if you like dying and pain.)
At 11:21,
My game was begun
With a thrown lightsaber. What a pain.

I was off to a faltering start
(And bereft of some delicate parts).
Then came time spent scheming,
Four hours spent dreaming
Of stabbing Tom Nook through the heart.

But alas, this was not to be;
A few hours later, you see,
Rocked up on two wheels
And perforated Tom's kidneys.

Disappointing, I must say, but still,
I sat and I waited until
When my life was renewed,
at which point I went in for the kill.

So Lobotomobile promptly died;
Shortly after, Jay Wratten arrived.
I murdered him too,
With a sword ran him through,
Though I s'pose shortly he will revive.

(That was all, although I must confess,
Wratten's kill was a bit of a mess,
A weapon was thrown
In a no-projectile zone,
An error you may want to redress.)

Umpire Effie's note: Since the actual kill was made licitly with a sword, Foxface is forgiven this offence. Haymitch has also decided to award 3 style points because he enjoyed the poem so much. Honestly Haymitch, you're just rewarding bad behaviour. It's irresponsible I say.

Jay Wratten reports:Was killed by c. Reubens this afternoon ~ 3.30

Umpire Effie Trinket reports: Today I had the pleasure of witnessing four fine young warriors engage in a spirited battle over lunch. Unfortunately I had missed Tom Nook killing Foxface, but I did get to see Lobotomobile charging valiantly towards Tom Nook with a sword. It happened so close to me, I could have reached out and touched them! The joy in Foxface's eyes when he resurrected to kill Lobotomobile was simply beautiful to behold. He then spotted Jay Wratten's arrival and (after a bit of a false start) began an epic chase which culminated in Jay Wratten's demise. Good work, all of you!

[12:30 PM] Wessex Boy tracks down Jamie Fenton (John Grady Cole)

Wessex Boy reports: Both supported by mercenaries not from around these parts, Wessex boy met John Grady Cole, tracking him to his hideout. On confirming his identity, a single small calibre pistol round was discharged into the gut of John Grady Cole from less than a yard away, and he was left dying in the hallway outside his room.

[14.43 PM] Demos really should not work with animals, children or Ted Loveday

Not sure about the pseudonym - what do w need it for? xx reports: Killed Christof Epaminondas, 2.43pm Saturday, with banana gun just outside Union Garden Party. Working on the same garden party committee was never a good idea...

[16.39 PM] Colonel Mustard(Heather Britton) kills Hapax (Ted Loveday) and is attacked by Demos's ghost!

Colonel Mustard reports: Two kills were made at the CUSU garden party in Sidney Sussex today. I had seen Hapax at the event and constructed from the materials available to me a knife with which to kill him. As I performed the assassination however I was spotted by another assassin (Demos) who quickly managed to stab me with his own weapon! This quick round of assassinations happened at about 16:39 today.

[19.50 PM] Tom Nook continues his work spree with Geoff (Kai Wong), but has a falling out with Jay Wratten (Tom Flynn)

Tom Nook reports: Ohohoho! So as my customer service is second to none, I went on a little trip to find some shiny new friends who I can help with a bit of cash. I was testing out my new slogan: Short run benefits for long run dependency with Nook's Cranny! Door to door saleswork has seen a bit of a downturn recently - that darn Train Station taking my business - but it has its place. It puts a face to a business, see? And a bright friendly raccoon face to boot! First, I met Jay Wratten - not a very nice man, I heard. However, I thought he'd be receptive to a kind handshake that ties him into a lifelong deal, but he ran away, which was quite rude. I picked up the papers that he dropped, though, because I thought we'd be able to rekindle the relationship later. In the meantime, I went to see Geoff. He was very pleased to see me and immediately signed the deal - another satisfied customer! When I was leaving, however, Jay Wratten came back. He told me in no uncertain terms that he never wanted to see me again, using a knife. This made Tom Nook cry :( I gave him back his papers, though, because what's the point of being in charge of all of the shops and real estate in Animal Crossing if you hold a grudge. I'll wear him down eventually - he will be my friend. FOREVER.

Jay Wratten reports: Killed Truddle just now ~ 8.00

[20.49 PM] Not sure about the pseudonym - what do w need it for? xx(Ted Loveday) apparently has it in for Demos (Christof Epaminondas)

Not sure about the pseudonym - what do w need it for? xx reports: Killed Christof a third time a moment ago (8.49), after a fast-paced chase through the streets of Cambridge from the Union to a final swordfight showdown outside his room just after I respawned. Bad idea for him to spend all day with me...

Sunday, 15 June

[12.49 PM] Tom Nook seems determined to reinflate the property bubble all on his own, with his latest success story being Tissue-Hime (Katie Wong)

Tom Nook reports: Ohohoho! So here's my story for today, neighbour! I was up very early to attend a meeting of [NINTENDO REDACTION - FOR RELIGIOUS CONTENT], but afterwards it was back to the grindstone - a businessman's work is never done - it doesn't even stop for [NINTENDO REDACTION - FOR RELIGIOUS CONTENT]. There was someone I missed yesterday when I was doing my rounds in Queens and I wouldn't want anyone to miss out on the amazing deals on real estate that I have to offer them. So I went around today to see Tissue-hime (Katie Wong), a very skilled bassist. As a friendly gesture, I wanted to see if she wanted to meet K. K. Slider, the guitar star of Animal Crossing! But also to put her onto one of my amazing investment plans - they're in something called sub-prime mortgages, I don't really understand it. Anyway, I went up to her house at about 12.46 and when I was about to knock on the door, I realised that it was unnecessary: she was in the kitchen next door! I think she may have been talking to someone else on Skype, but my deals don't wait for anyone! I rushed in and gave her all of the details. How could she resist?

Tissue-Hime reports: Killed by Tom Nook when stupidly searching for food... Argh.

[14.30 PM] Jay Wratten takes out Lobotomobile (Max Baxter-Allen), but seems to have become confused as a result, attacking a civilian in a case of mistaken identity!

Jay Wratten reports: the good: discreetly stabbed max baxter allen before the cardboard boatrace

the bad: discreetly stabbed tom ruddle. Turned out it wasn't tom ruddle, but a civilian. awkward.

the ugly: cardboard boat sank. *cries*

Umpire Haymitch's note: The Capitol tends to frown on killing civilians - Jay Wratten is docked 7 points for a first offence. Repeated indiscriminate murder can lead to bounties being placed...

[16:30 PM] Battle report!

Cressida Tyrell reports:
Team battle warm-up, survived by the player Foxface. Various other fights ensued,survived in turn by Random Strategy, Rhinoglottophilia, J. Angleton and Rob the non-Tribute.

We then set up a Cornucopia around the luxuriant banquette of Chocolates, Strawberries, Cake and a Random Sausage as supplied by Effie Trinket and her Sector 13 (Highgarden) counterpart, Cressida Tyrell. With the Tributes running inwards to arm various times, this resulted in a number of ferocious spoonings and outbreaks of machine gun fire. As directed by Umpire Haymitch (thanks for keeping the scores!), some rounds contained swarms of tracker jacker wasps (bubbles), the better weapons being unloaded thus requiring getting ammo separately out of the cornucopia, or the indomitable Commander Lyme of Tarth posing as a swarm of Monkey Mutts within some wedge of the surrounding terrain.

There were also pairs death-matches, where if one's partner died one's own head blew off, so as to even out the odds in each person's favour! Peeta arrived rather late, but inflicted many casualties in the second half of the Hunger Games! And latest of all came Tom Nook, who was the last Tribute standing in the final "2-team Cornucopia" battle.

We then carved up the enormous sausage, whilst the Knight of the Order of the Spoon challenged everyone in turn to single combat. He eventually died in his FOURTH duel, disappointed to have found out that one of those he'd slewn was a non-playing battle participant.

Finally we got Rat Man's shade very wet indeed, and had cake for dessert.

[18.30 PM] A nice, civilized set of minigames, from all-on-alls to team battles, devolves into a set of equally (and remarkably) civilized duels! Look away now, kids - Random Strategy (Matthew Fitch) shoots Bambi's mum (Benjamin Weber) as well as Dr J. Angleton (Douglas Hall) before finally being outwitted by Foxface

Bambi's mum reports: Today in the forest, I encountered a hunter. Overwhelmed by anger at their disregard for our fragile ecosystem, I dove into battle, rather than thinking about his arsenal of both a gun and a huge spoon. Luckily for me I wasn't close enough for the spoon to come into effect. Unluckily for me his skill and usage of wind quickly made me the hunted. The hunter claimed his prize, Random Strategy killed Bambi's Mum.

Foxface reports:
Eighteen forty-one.
A shot hits true. The victim?
Random Strategy.

Umpire Haymitch Abernathy reports: In my day, there was none of this "duelling" or "honour" or "sobriety." Seems like tributes still know what the audience likes to see, though - a big spoon and a bigger gun.

[22.20 PM] Foxface's skills extend to hurdles, with Noether (Bryn Dickinson) taken by surprise.
Noether reports: At 22:20 Curtis - exploiting my ignorance of pub meets being In Bounds (except for projectiles :/ ) - leapt over a table, and stabbed me to death with a lightsaber.

[23.30 PM] Foxface continues a streak of kills, finally getting revenge on Tom Nook.
Foxface reports:
I sat, wary, weary, in pub tonight,
With lightsaber gripped tightly in my hand.
I had the doorway plainly in my sight,
A clear route o'er the table neatly planned.
But when Noether appeared, my brain did sink,
My previous planned route flew out my head,
And in my haste my foot knocked down a drink;
I should have gone the first planned way instead.
And though my blade struck true, and Noether died,
It seems she didn't know that pub was 'in',
And thus thought she was safe on the inside,
So was not quite prepared for attacking.
In pub I sat in glum melancholy,
A hollow, sour, empty victory.

But then Tom Nook arrived, and all was new,
He dashed in as I fumbled for my blade,
My table blocked his route and so he threw
His own saber at me, and sped away.
But pubs are no projectile zones, you see,
So I was safe, and had his sword in hand,
Wandered outside, spotted dear old Tommy,
And when he saw my fearsome charge he ran.
I chased, he fired, I threw, we both did miss,
Both charging through the night, both beating feet,
But then an idea came; I thought "dodge this!"
And threw my blade at him; karma is sweet.
Tom Nook is fun, he always gives a fight,
And thus a happy kill ended my night.

Tom Nook reports: Ohohoho! Tom Nook doesn't just want to make friends, he wants to make friends make friends - so when a message from Redd, one of my little birdies, came to me that Foxface (Curtis Reubens) was looking for a bit of money to tide her through the difficult times, I was quick off the block. I'd dealt with Foxface before, so I thought that, as we were all the best of friends, it would just be a case of signing my contract with a teensy bit of blood just to make everything official - nothing too drastic! However, I was a bit busy with another client, so when I arrived at 23.30, I realised that the contract that I was offering was illegal in the jurisdiction that Foxface was operating in. Not wanting to get in any more legal trouble (cops are so difficult to pay off), I scarpered but Foxface followed me just to tell me that he didn't want to be friends any more and scrapped our contract. Tom Nook is sad. I hope you're happy, Foxface. FOR NOW.

In other news, Tom Nook would like to pledge himself to the one true umpire #TeamEffie

Monday, 16 June

[00:00 AM] BOUNTIES PLACED! 20 points (and some biscuits) will be awarded to the first people to kill Umpire Haymitch Abernathy (Danielle C. Saunders) or Umpire Effie Trinket (Cheryl Weedon) - and a 7 point bonus will be added to any kills of Foxface (Curtis Reubens).

[12.45 PM] Not sure about the pseudonym - what do w need it for? (Ted Loveday) makes what must be a rather disappointing kill for him - not from a bicycle, and not Demos. Still, he's probably not as disappointed as Baron Geddon (Thomas Clausen).

Not sure about the pseudonym - what do w need it for? reports: Spotted Baron Geddon as I was cycling away from Jesus Green at 12.45. Sadly I didn't manage to achieve my fantasy of conducting a bicycle drive-by shooting - since the trusty banana had been left at home. Instead, had to pass him, dismount, and a few quick clean stabs with the trusty poignard. Far less elegant, but did the job. He was a true gent about it too.

Baron Geddon reports: I regret to Report that ted loveday killed me yesterday at 12:45 exactly. It was a stabbing in front of my horrified friends. My apologies for the late notice, mayballing happened.

Umpire Haymitch's note: Worth noting that although bicycles are Water With Care, no other projectile weapons are legal for use on or by cyclists, unfortunately including even bang-kill weapons like the traditional banana.

[14.15 PM] In a turn of events which surprises exactly no-one, Not sure about the pseudonym - what do w need it for? continues his quest to keep Demos dead.

Not sure about the pseudonym - what do w need it for? reports: Yes, Christof again. Around 2.15pm this afternoon. At... guess where... the Union. (I know this probably starts to look like rulebreaking or respawn camping. I'll honestly say that we do lots of extracurriculars together and simply bump into each other lots. He really needs to keep his guard up a bit more...)

[15.00 PM] A hunt results in an exchange of kills, as well as a near miss with none other than Effie Trinket... hi (Alex Fairclough) and tassia101 (Nastassia McAdam) must know that those who kill Unicorns are cursed, with Kamile Rastenyte sacrificed to Geoff (Kai Wong), who is quickly killed in turn.

Unicorn reports: What a beautiful day for a raid. Didn't have too much time to go through all the colleges, so went just to the near ones.
Me, hi and tassia101 left our fort at about 2:30 pm and started heading North. We hardly even started discussing our plans when Effie appeared just two stone-throws away. Missed opportunity for a large bounty. Imagine that you are sitting around, dreaming of cake and out of nowhere the most beautiful cupcake you've ever seen rolls on wheels past you. The most logical thing would be grab it of course, but you don't. You're too shocked, you let it go. Blast it...
So... Continue North to the first fortress. No success. Everyone's locked every passage to the staircases. I must return next time with an inside person...
Second fortress.
We head to Jay Wratten's camp first. Unfortunately he hides in his cave the moment he sees me, don't even know if he spotted the rest of us. No point knocking. His two trustful friends outside the door will report everything they see...
Next we headed to Geoff's place. He cunningly put the "out" sign on his door, but we were no fools (or the opposite) and knocked on his door. I knocked on his door. The moment it opened the Unicorn was shot twice, but Geoff made a fatal mistake of underestimating me and held the door open. He did so just long enough for hi to shoot him down. My death was avenged and tassia101 just sat somewhere beside the events without the need to do anything. My ghost also escorted the two to Tissue-hime's place, just to make sure they know which door to knock. She didn't seem to be in. We headed back.
End of report,

Umpire Effie's note: While I was disappointed that these fine young warriors chose not to engage me, I do appreciate being compared to a beautiful cupcake.

Geoff reports: Door was knocked just before 3pm. I claimed that I was not dressed properly and loaded my rubber band gun. I opened the door and shot a girl (Unicorn, apparently) standing outside. Then I was shot with a rubber band by her accomplice.

[18.45 PM] Dr J. Angleton (Douglas Hall) makes a play for the bounty on Umpire Haymitch, but is no match for his superior skill, wit, dashing deameanour and overall excellent disposition - although Haymitch is left mostly armless in the process. Still, I hear they can heal nearly anything in the Capitol...

Dr J. Angleton reports:
Two figures stand, illuminated faintly by a sickly pool of feeble, dead light. Their shadowy outlines are dwarfed by the vast, monolithic outcroppings of the rocky abyssal landscape that surrounds them, but the jagged mountainous peaks that loom out of the darkness seem beyond distant, almost hollow, like a painted backdrop eased into the background of a movie shot almost as an afterthought. All that is real is the moment unfolding here. Now.

The figures step slighly closer, and as if in response the sickly immaterial light seems to grow faintly. One is withered, almost emaciated, a faint memory of hair covering a wrinkled domed head, a tweed jacket almost as battered and aged as its owner, who stands regally, hands clasped behind him. The other figure is enrobed in black, its form concealed in folds of a garment without form, but cut from a material as black as midnight, broken only by the weird markings that cover the top of its cowl; malevolent patterns in yellows and gold that seem to blaze in the darkness like a perverse mockery of a cat's eyes.

The tension, the concentration, is palpable. There is no sound, its manifest absence almost a presence in its own right. The icy stare of the wizened old man is matched by the relentless thoughts projected by the Other; a swirling, snarling, voracious hunger, and lurking below that, a cold unforgiving incomprehensible intellect.

There is a sudden orange flash of movement, a flurry, and the swarming, craving thoughts erupt, rushing after the meagre segment of life that has just flicked from the man's hand. And then there are two. Cold intellects that survey each other as the seconds drag out, stretching, stretching, and before it can begin it, is over. Fire blazes, ripping and tearing then there is silence. The man is on his knees, bent over and clutching at his chest, an antique revolver fallen at his side. The robed figure is sagging limply, something putrid oozing through the folds of its robe.

"Well played," the man struggles. There is a flurry of thoughts from the other; they are confused, radiating shock and fury. The man manages a choking chuckle, teeth clenched with the exertion of speaking. "I missed you." There is another flurry of rage, and something wholly unnatural that one might imagine could almost be pain. The figure seems to be sagging more, the folds of its garb are starting to flap and writhe now, like desperate, panicked passengers deserting a sinking vessel.

There's a new spark in the dying man's eyes now. "You can't be dying boy. I clipped you at best," he spits. The thoughts of the creature continue to rise in volume and desperation, swirling and howling, the sickly ichor no longer seeping but spilling from beneath its robe. And suddenly the man's eyes clear. And he sees.

"It's not real!" he snaps at his adversary, the hand clutched to his chest now slick with blood. "You're not dying, I didn't hit you, there's..." he chokes, wheezing a fainty powdery spattering of blood onto the dead ground, "...there's somthing else here boy." The faint sickly pool of light is barely big enough to take in the two figures now, and with a sudden shift of perspective, the darkness surrounding it is no longer an absence of light, but a physical presence, a creeping, crawling sprawl of unholy blackness rushing in, clawing at the sickly pale globe of illumination.

"You stru...struck me down, and...and you survived," the man hisses, struggling haltingly with every syllable now. "This is real...that! That is..." He slumps, unable to continue. The eldritch figure convulses, thoughts still raging around it like a whirlwind and seems momentarily to halt in its furious yet lazy deflation. There is a ripple of movement under the cowl, and deep within its fold the faint hint of two pinpricks of eldritch light like glowing embers. The fallen man, too weak to speak, looks up and his piercing watery eyes meet the cold inspection of the other figure. A thought, focused and icy, and conveyed by powers not of this world, nor ours, lances out from him to the other. And something passes between the adversaries. Something like understanding. Not pity, remorse nor sympathy, but an understanding of sorts. The figure sees what he does, the revolver firing, the shot going wide, ripping through an outer fold of the figures robe. If feels the superposition of his reality, and its own, and how they diverge, and the wedge that is being driven between them is suddenly illuminated in silhouette as if by the light of a nuclear blast and that wedge is a hungry devouring maw rushing out of the darkness to consume all before it, and in the sudden light of understand the figure realises that it is still complete and whole and that it is immortal and cannot die. Reality, warped and twisted snaps back like a elastic band snapping back into shape, and the tendrils of unholy abhorrence rushing out of somewhere beyond darkness smash headlong into a suddenly impenetrable energy barrier as the wavefunction they are riding collapses.

An alien sun dawns over a dead plain of black sand; a solid mist of impenetrable blackness turns to dust and blows slowly away on a non-existent wind as the foul would-be-consciousness that was holding it together is banished. Here and there it disperses less slowly, masses and chunks of decaying sand drop to the ground along with unnatural objects. A twisted piece of alien metal here, a rock carved with shapes that evoke primal memmories of things that swam and swarmed in aeons thankfully passed, and some distance from the figures, a scrap of black fabric and a burnt piece of plastic still enigmatically bearing the initials N.V.C.C.

Two figures remain, illuminated by the blazing glare of an eldritch sun. Their tiny forms are dwarfed by the vast, monolithic outcroppings of the rocky abyssal landscape that surrounds them, but the jagged mountainous peaks that loom out of the darkness seem beyond distant, almost hollow, like a painted backdrop eased into the background of a movie shot almost as an afterthought. All that is real is the moment unfolding here. Now.

The eldritch form regards the withered husk before it. It doesn't understand death. It can't. But it understands something is ending. It is not sad, or sorry about that, it is only hungry. Still hungry. It is always hungry. That hunger drives it always. Its thoughts swarm around the fallen figure as the figure's consciousness begins to flicker and its thoughts begin to lose cohesion. "Death? Yes. It looks very much like it boy," he responds to the curious locust swarm of inquisitive half-thoughts that ripple around him. "Fatal?" he forms the thought's logic into a facsimile of human language, "I doubt it. Never has been before..." and as a faint scornful chuckle echoes across the dead alien plains, he dies.

Umpire Haymitch Abernathy reports: That [REDACTED] woke me up. There I was, having a well-deserved nap after, a, uh, hard day of umpiring, and I'm woken up by someone making a right racket in trying the door handle. He didn't even give me credit enough to assume I'd locked my door - which I had. You learn *some* things in the Arena. Finding a ready-loaded pistol, and waiting for the sound of his retreat, I opened the door a crack - enough for him to see what I was holding, and for me to see he had nothing but an RBG. I closed the door without locking it, tempting him into advancing again, while I took the opportunity to pick up a slightly more substantial weapon.

An exchange of shots later, and the tribute was dead on the floor, while... well, I never needed my left arm anyway. Good effort, though, and he nearly got me - for a moment, what with the nebulous uncertainty as to whether or not I'd actually died, I felt almost like a tribute myself again. Left a food offering for his bravery on his corpse in true Hunger Games style, and am awarding 3 style points for an impressive report which required sending as an attachment.

[19.43 PM] Morgoth (Emily Room) collects the bounty on Foxface (Curtis Reubens). Twice.

Foxface reports:
We saw Ian McKellen today
(So that really wasn't very good)
He was giving a talk at college
(My blood did boil with rage and fury)
Which made me rather late for a thing
(The clock ticked agonisingly slow)
So when it ended I was running
(I prepared a blade to face my foe)
Which regrettably made me careless
(But Tolkien himself taught them to fight)
And thus I died.
(And thus I died.)

Tuesday 17th June

[11:30 AM] Foxface (Curtis Reubens) can't seem to find Jesus

Foxface reports:
To Jesus
I went
To hunt
To kill.
Knock knock
No answer.
Knock knock
Nice try.
No knock
A neighbour
She's sleeping
Don't want to wake her.
Buzz buzz
No entry.

[12:40 PM] Tom Nook (Thomas Ruddle) collectes the bounty on Haymitch Abernathy before his tragic demise at the hands of Foxface (Curtis Reubens)
Umpire Effie reports: He always was my favourite tribute.

Tom Nook reports:
Ohohoho! I'd heard of a big group of potential customers would be lurking at the Engineering Garden Party, so I thought I'd shamble over and see if I can be a good neighbour and offer some very reasonably priced debt and refinance schemes. I'd heard of some trouble going on in the wide world of Animal Crossing - both Haymitch Abernathy (Danielle C. Saunders) and Effie Trinket (Cheryl Weedon) were having a mild scrape over who should be the true Mayor of the town. I thought about being an impartial observer, so I could stay friends with everyone, but I realised that it makes much more sense to back one candidate and hope for some backhanders... I mean favourable deals later on. I decided to support the cause of Effie Trinket (#TeamEffie), but that doesn't mean that I couldn't offer Haymitch a lovely deal. I have to admit, in this contract, I was a little naughty. I put a teeny weeny clause that meant that if he signed it, all his assets would be passed to Effie Trinket. At 12.40 this morning, I passed the contract to Haymitch who was only too keen to take me up on my offer to help him overtake Effie. You could say he should have used his head! Anyway, Haymitch belongs to me... and the people now and I hear he's dropped his challenge against Effie.
Not a few minutes later (at 12.45), that lovely lady Foxface turned up. I tried to offer her a better deal than before, but she was mean again. With a lightsaber. I has a sad.

Foxface (Curtis Reubens) reports:
A dart in my arm.
The flash of my lightsaber.
Tom Nook is no more.

Umpire Haymitch Abernathy reports: You know what I hate worse than raccoons? Raccoons with guns.

[12:40 PM] The latest bounties

The bounty on Effie Trinket has been lifted.
Bounties of 5 points are placed for kills of the following by any player of lower rank than their victim:
Foxface (Curtis Reubens)
Random Strategy (Matthew Fitch)
Tom Nook (Thomas Ruddle)
Morgoth (Emily Room)
Not sure about the pseudonym - what do w need it for? xx (Ted Loveday)

[17:45 PM] Dr J. Angleton claims the bounty on Morgoth

Morgoth reports:
As the afternoon sun began to fade into evening, Morgoth returned bearing the precious and sacred texts from the great halls of wisdom known in the Common Speech as "the CUSFS library". So entranced was he by the texts he bore, a mortal man passing by escaped Morgoth's notice. A foolish mistake, for the man carried a weapon designed to kill the Dark Lord and did spray him with a foul, burning liquid. But know this, mortals of Cambridge. The Dark Enemy Morgoth cannot be truly killed so easily, and shall once more arise to resume his reign of might and terror over the people of this land.

Dr J. Angleton reports:
  Hello Bob
  Correct boy, as you so astutely deduce I am 'not dead'. Honestly I would have

thought you of all people would be unsurprised by that.

  Why yes Bob, I do have a new head in my collection, thank you most kindly for asking.
  Safe? "Safe"? Boy I'm unable to express, at least without resorting to Enochian

metagrammar, quite how bewildered I am that you think that word even has meaning
given how close we are to the conjunction. But no, even in your most limited use
of the word, I'm afraid we are not 'safe'.

  The entity with which I had a, well, let us just say a 'run-in' with yesterday

took the form of small, dark-haired, sinister-looking female engineering student
from Cambridge University, so I decided to track it down on its home turf.

  Yes, boy, I am aware there might be more than one fitting that description, and

if you had informed me of that fact a couple of hours ago, it might have actually
been useful.

  No boy, of course there's not going to be a FATACC enquiry; we've enough problems

right now without adding Admin to them. It seems that this one was working for the
enemy too, so we've been lucky this time.

  That's right boy, watch your back. The original one is still out there...
  Taken down by an economist from Finance? Don't be puerile boy; I don't care for this

wretched modern humour.

[10:10 PM] A friendly battle turned to real-game bloodshed as Random Strategy (Matthew Fitch) kills Oscar Zoroaster Phadrig Isaac Norman Henkle Emmannuel Ambroise Diggs (Souradip Mookerjee) in a duel

Oscar Zoroaster Phadrig Isaac Norman Henkle Emmannuel Ambroise Diggs reports: It was a cold, dark evening. The sun had just gone down, and we'd met that night, continuing to fight side by side slaying zombies. But the peace was not to last.

He turned on me as soon as the last of the horde was dead. I fended him off for as long as I could, but I was knocked out by a cosh to the head.

I was then brutally murdered with a spoon. As I lay on the grass, in my last few breaths, I whispered, "Knife to meet you too..."

[11:06 PM] Gargoyle (Peter Jordan) claims the bounty on Foxface (Curtis Reubens)

Gargoyle reports:
Dear Umpire
I would like to report the killing of Foxface at my hand at 11:06 tonight on the grounds of Saint Catharine's college in the company of Oscar Zoroaster Phadrig Isaac Norman Henkle Emmannuel Ambroise Diggs (dead player who happened to be present, not my acomplice). It was a bang-kill with a nerf jolt.

I also spent the afternoon visiting or attempting to visit the rooms of all the assassins in Jesus and Sidney Sussex with varying degrees of success but did not meet another assassin.

Kind Regards
Gargoyle (Peter Jordan)

Foxface reports:
Peter just killed me
With a gun, not with berries
(So it's not canon).

Wednesday 18th June

[12:00 PM] Battle report!

Cressida Tyrell Boleyn-Boleyn reporting live from Llamas Land :)
[Angled shot of Gargoyle stoically defending a tree whilst hopping on one leg.

Cut to a tall knight with quartered sun-and-moon shield overwhelming two former members of the Capitol Elite on the far edge of the green, morningstar on axe and longsword.


"Ouch. That's got to hurt! Look, now Capture the Garment is being played; I guess neither Effie Trinket nor the Maid of Tarth have any Flags! In the first round, Rob runs round the bowling green to steal Effie's luxuriant fur coat, whilst Lobotomobile and Gargoyle lose three limbs between them and then the former's life in trying to press a counterattack toward the District 13 Base. Now, in the second round, look, Gargoyle has just shot Commander Lyme though a bush! Defenses are overwhelmed, Gargoyle moves on to steal that nice suit of armour Jaime Lannister had had made for the Maid, and Team Effie win!

Now it's team battles in that part of Lammas Land that IS populated by Llamas! The Llamas can only spit around a metre!

It's Lammas 4, Tributes 1, with Gargoyle scoring for the Tributes!

And in the concurrent human on human action, Team Lobotomobile and Gargoyle scored two impressive victories over the more experienced Team Effie! It's more even-stevens in the rounds in which the Tributes were in opposition rather than working together. Followed by an all-on-all, won by Gargoyle when Commander Lyme and Rob double-killed after Lyme had cut all others down."

[Cressida with the microphone:]

"My, you were soooo close to getting that coveted position in Renly Heavensbee's District 13 Rainbow Guard!"

Commander Lyme: "Scarcely. Trinket put up so big a fight that almost all of my water was required to fell her alone. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a job to get done. I am looking for Primrose Stark. She might have been travelling in the company of a Fool..."

Cressida: "Don't we all, at some point in our lives..."

[Cut. Refocus on the entrance to Sector-12's woods. A startled faun.]

"Each Tribute in turn has paired up with Tauriel Everdeen against allcomers. Each time the same thing happened! Firstly Effie Trinket murders the Tribute, and then Tauriel Everdeen responds by taking out the entire opposing team! Effie is methodically carpet-bombing every single bush, tree and cluster of nettles, to eventually impale Gargoyle! Unlucky, Gargoyle, you were perfectly hidden but she razed every last bit of scenery to the ground! Yet in riposte, Tauriel Everdeen has shoot Effie through the heart, drives Rob back, now Lobotomobile is splitting off to attack from behind... Is that him there, no, it's just a Mockingjay... How long will he take to circle round? Oh, no, there's a difficulty with his hitherto effective Trailblazing Machete (TM)! And in the meanwhile, Rob has fallen!

And in the other round, Effie ambushes Lobotomobile when both have circled out wide beyond the undergrowth, but then Tauriel Everdeen lands a split shot double kill in through two different tree canopies! And now she's chasing Effie right out of the wood! And the pursuit keeps on going! All the way into Lake Town (Newnham Village)! There's repeated exchanges of fire, Tauriel's Elvish-reflex dodging being balanced out by Effie's total mastery of the Dornish Wushu! At around the 800 metre mark, the Mockingjay-helmed Elf-Captain has finally managed to plant one of her last arrows into the side of the bewigged darling of the Capitol and no-longer-hidden Hidden Dragon.

And, yay, let's now celebrate with a banquet! Chocolate Elephants, Strawberry Ribena, Lemon Cakes!"

[15:45 PM] Continuing his quest to give every member of Cambridge Assassins affordable living and permanent indenture to our raccoon overlords, Tom Nook (Thomas Ruddle) deals with Flinders (Isaac Lawton) and Geoff (Kai Wong).

Tom Nook reports:
Ohohoho! I thought today I'd give my report in the language of my people. GL-L-L-KSK! KEH-KEEH!? FST! FST! RrrrrrrrrrrrKLAGH!? CH-CH-ch-ch-mmmMMMmmm!? Shoto-AM-shoto-KEEEEEEEH! KLAM CRAM ESPA! Sto-sto-sto-TERRA! ? Ka-me-la-me-OH!

Tom Nook

Oh, sorry, I forget that not everyone has a Raccoonish to English translator. Here it is again in more understandable terms. I went out to visit some of my lovely neighbours today in order to offer them some interlinked contracts - take a loan from me and get super secret access to the Subscribers' Only section of Nook's Department Store! In other news, all cakes, fruit and vegetables have been moved to our new Subscribers' Only section. Hey, if it's good enough for EA, it's good enough for me - I've always said that small-town lenders need to learn from big companies! My first offer today was to Flinders (Isaac Lawton) - I visited his lovely little house at 3.45 and whilst he refused my first offer, I jumped out from behind a corner to ambush him, so he had no choice but to accept! Just after, I went to visit Geoff (Kai Wong) who took one look at my deals and returned back into his room. What a rude man, I thought, but, not to be deterred, at 4.20 (blaze it) I returned after trying some other locked houses and the deal was struck. And so was he. With a knife, if that's a bit too subtle for you.

Tom Nook

Flinders reports: There I was in my rooms, pondering the ancient mysteries of Kahun, when I hear a knock on my door. "Whatever could that be?", I thought to myself- no doubt some travelling salesperson, trying to sell me loans or some kind of insurance. Cautiously I answered the door, only to find that no-one was there- the impatient salesperson had obviously left, but hearing my door opening, they ran back up the stairs, raving about home extensions and very reasonable mortgage plans; I didn't fall for the spiel, and pursued the fiend down the stairs, but alas! He had hidden at the bottom of the stairwell, and jumped me as I ran for the door. Now I'm saddled with a whole new kitchen, and no means to pay for it. I suppose I better go pick some fruit...

[16:00 PM] Bounties adjusted:

Bounties of 5 points are placed for kills of the following (the current top 5 ranking players) by any player of lower rank than their victim:
Tom Nook (Thomas Ruddle)
Foxface (Curtis Reubens)
Random Strategy (Matthew Fitch)
Gargoyle (Peter Jordan)
Not sure about the pseudonym - what do w need it for? xx (Ted Loveday)

[18:13 PM] Foxface (Curtis Reubens) picks on the new guy Oscar Zoroaster Phadrig Isaac Norman Henkle Emmannuel Ambroise Diggs (Souradip Mookerjee)

Thursday 19th June

[6:07 AM] Duel at dawn! Bambi's mum (Ben Weber) slays Foxface (Curtis Reubens)

Bambi's mum reports:
Ahh to breathe the forest air once more! But wait, a hunter approaches, disguised as a fox by means of a Foxface mask. The glowing rod of his lightsaber reveals his true purpose. Luckily I have one too! So I leap forward, and get a shoulder caught on the blade. No matter, I can heal, and I still have three limbs! I engage my own lightsaber, and disable their arms and a leg. They retreat, with their lightsaber between their legs, and I follow for a bit. Oh, this is boring, I'll run him down! Slash across the back, tranquil forest once more!

Foxface reports:
A question most ancient is: what are friends for?
Friendship, you might say, but that answer's quite poor.
They can give you comfort, perspective you lack,
But is it worth it, or do they hold you back?
'twas this thorny subject matter that I pondered,
As through Cambridge streets in my black tie I wandered,
And doubting, challenged Oscar Zoroaster Phadrig
Isaac Norman Henkle Emmannuel Ambroise Diggs
To a duel. As we circled each other, I thought,
"You know, Foxy girl, this feels good; it's a sort
Of morbid grim pleasure, the power to cause pain
To a friend or a comrade, and not have to explain.
The duel ended badly (for Oscar, not me),
And the kill sparked a sort of awakening, you see
Which was only furthered by my duel with Bambi's mum.
I was stabbed through the heart, and although it was fun
To spring back and forth, and to push and to give,
I could have beat him with a knife to the ribs.
So send out the message! Raise up the sign!
From my no-kill pacts and treaties I resign.
After all, who needs friends when there's kills to be had?
The game has begun, and the fox has turned bad.

[16:30 PM] Carnage at the Union: Foxface (Curtis Reubens) gets revenge on both Morgoth and Bambi's mum, before murdering Not sure about the pseudonym - what do w need it for? xx

Bambi's mum reports: The hunter who was killed earlier clearly wasn't alone. I was minding my own business in the forest, when a hunter, who looked remarkably similar to the previous hunter, killed me and another forest creature.
Foxface reports:
Once upon a day quite dreary, while I pondered weak and weary,
That a single May Ball drained me, and I'll struggle to face more,
While I nodded, not quite napping, kept awake by McGann's recapping
Of his career, and some clapping, clapping for our dear Doctor.
'The interviewer," I muttered, "clapping for our dear Doctor -
An assassin I could score.'

And distinctly I remember, by Morgoth I was dismembered,
And each separate dying limb, it wrought its ghost upon the floor.
And now here upon the morrow, my sword hand they sought to borrow,
To bring about great sorrow - sorrow and bloodshed galore -
For the interviewing Hapax, blood and misery galore -
Nameless here for evermore.

And at first I was uncertain, wary that Morgoth might curse and
Kill me - fill me with fantastic weapons never felt before;
And I tried to slow the beating of my heart, I sat repeating
'Morgoth is a person like me clapping for our dear Doctor.
Just another friendly human clapping for our dear Doctor.
This it is, and nothing more,'

Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
'Sir,' said I, 'or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
But in fact I was unwrapping your proposition, recapping
It in my head, and was clapping, clapping for our dear Doctor,
That it took till now to conclude, that after our dear Doctor,
Death for Hapax. Nothing more.'

Back towards the Doctor turning, all my soul within me burning,
And my inner demons tapping somewhat louder than before.
'Surely,' said they, 'surely this is something that must be in practice
Much less than the apparatus of betrayal we implore -
Let your heart be still a moment and this potential explore; -
There's a profit here for sure!'

Startled at the stillness broken by my thoughts so aptly spoken,
'Doubtless,' said I, 'what they utter is their only stock and store,
But if betrayal I can master, and can bring about disaster
Followed fast and followed faster by swift kills and kills galore -
Till the vestige of all hope that melancholy burden bore
Will be crushed forever more.'

Then, methought, the air grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censer
Swung by Seraphim whose foot-falls tinkled on the tufted floor.
And as our Doctor finished we - joined by Bambi's mum, because she
Happened to be there and joined me, with her weapons, on the floor -
Then we crept from the no-kill zone, then I struck and struck once more,
And my friends, they were no more.

`Traitor!' said they, `thing of evil! - traitor still, if fox or devil! -
Whether tempter sent, or whether tempest tossed thee here ashore,
Desolate yet all undaunted, on this desert land enchanted -
On this home by horror haunted - tell me truly, I implore -
Is there - is there cheese in Heaven? - tell me - tell me, I implore!'
Quoth the Foxface, `Nevermore.'

And the for fox, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
On the pallid bust of Pallas just above the chamber door;
And her eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming,
And bullets from her gun streaming mean that Hapax is no more;
And her soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor
Shall be lifted - nevermore!

Umpire Haymitch's note: Since I've already awarded Foxface style points for reports once this game - and since looking at the scores I doubt it'll make a great difference - I'm not awarding style points, but I am very impressed. I had no idea the poetic spirit was so alive and nurtured in District 5.

[18:45 AM] Violence at the Veizla! Dr J. Angleton (Douglas Hall) battles Foxface (Curtis Reubens) - but not before Foxface claims the bounty for a snowball kill on Tom Nook (Thomas Ruddle)!

Dr J. Angleton reports:
Credit to Curtis for giving me fair warning that he was alive after I was misinformed by a third assassin that they were both dead, rather than just closing and attacking me out of the blue.
Reporting out of character because the combat was sufficiently extended and interesting to be worth relating in full (and to a lesser extent, to prevent me writing another short story).

Curtis was in Black Tie for the Veizla, so water-with-care wasn't an option, so the engagement opened with me emptying a RBG at him (all rounds dodged) while myself dodging a slew of paper throwing-stars. I then ran away while simultaneously scrabbling in my bag for my second loaded RBG. After a few seconds to let a false sense of security settle in in my pursuer, I managed to take out one of his legs by turning and throwing the labelled-pen concealed in my sleeve. After a quick ceasefire to check where he'd been hit, he determinedly continued his pursuit, but with one leg out I was able to recover my second RBG in relative safety. Despite this I continued to face an apparently endless barrage of paper knives, and he managed to again dodge most of my bands, despite still being one leg down, the last band being the only one getting a clear hit. A fun, frenetic and fiercely contested combat with limited weapons and plenty of room to manoeuvre.

Foxface (Curtis Reubens) reports:
Snow! A ball of snow,
A white and fluffy ball of snow,
There's points, there's points, there's points you know,
For a kill with a fluffy ball of snow.

But winter was a while ago,
Summer is here today, and so
It's hard, it's hard, it's hard you know,
To kill with a fluffy ball of snow.

But off to Tom Nook's I did go,
Into his kitchen I was shown,
And at his fridge I scraped, and so
Fashioned myself a ball of snow.

This ball of snow at Tom was thrown
And took down Nook; then we did go
To feast, to feast, to feast, but lo,
Of our feasting Douglas did know,
And I was slain, cut down, laid low,
And I did miss my ball of snow.

Friday 20th June

[00:00 AM] Bambi's mum (Ben Weber) hunts the hunter, but Foxface (Curtis Reubens) is feasting elsewhere.

Bambi's mum reports: After my demise, I spent some time in a grassy area with people drinking gin and tonic out of trophies. I realise that this is Heaven, but alas, it could not last. After a friendly meal and a trip to a bar, I drifted back to my mortal abode. Oh well, at least I have another chance to wreak vengeance upon my nemesis Foxface! In the deathly silence of the midnight, I snuck up to his abode, to ease the screams of the forest. Oh shame, the door's locked to creatures like me! I began to wonder, had he gone out at night? I decided I had to try! On my way to the heart of the forest, I encountered a couple of predators. I knew both times I could easily slay them, but I did not. I will not descend to that level, that is for the hunter to mercilessly take life. He will not take my soul also.

Upon arriving at the heart of the forest, I proceeded to sneak around, hoping to catch him off-guard. No sign of him at all. All I find here is love between gentle creatures, living life. This will be why I fight the hunters. Not blood or glory, but love. They shall no destroy my friends any more!

[20:10 PM] Dr J. Angleton (Douglas Hall) sets one last ambush for Foxface (Curtis Reubens) - but it is easily passed by Morgoth (Emily Room)

Dr J. Angleton reports: Shot Curtis. Shot Emily. Didn't shoot Emily well enough, or nearly enough times. Killed by Emily.

Foxface reports:
A brief epilogue,
Angleton's fire took me out,
And thus ends my game.

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