Cloak & Dagger The Assassins' Guild - Week 0 News

Thursday, 13 June

[17:00 PM] First piece of news!

Alex Guttenplan has offered a good bottle of unspecified alcohol (ice wine if he can get it) for the first player to kill with a snowball. Must be at least made of fine ice, no plastic rubbish.

Saturday, 15 June

[02:00 AM] Let the games begin!

I hope you've sharpened your swords and loaded your guns as the Mayweek game of Assassins has begun! I, Heihachi Mishima, welcome you to the King of Iron Fist Tournament and wish for all of you to play well and be noble to one another. Nah, I'd just prefer you to all kill each other. The Umpire would also like to note that he is annoyed that he doesn't get to make a complicated way of expressing the number of people in the game, as everyone knows it :/

[10:15 AM] For the first move of the game, The Duke expands their duchy, eradicating Zach Hassan (Venom) in the process

The Duke reports: No Venom is potent enough to take me down... Jesus may walk on water, but I swim through land!

[11:55 AM] The appropriate Verb today is the present perfect continuous tense of "to murder", as Sarah Binney (Destriianatos) found out

Verb reports: Destriianatos has been brought down with the power of rainbows and the magic of friendship - she will have to become less trusting...

[12:00 PM] Sakunthala Panditharatne (Saku) (the very deadly group theory enthusiast) couldn't compute the random sampling of Random Strategy

Random Strategy reports: I am afraid to report that the very deadly group theory enthusiast attempted algebraic topology. But in her inexperience, she came up against a topological nightmare without the necessary group structure or weaponry to deal with it, and this sadly led to her horrible demise. Let this be a warning to all mathmos: be prepared to deal with topology when it sneaks up on you.
Umpire's note: I have awarded a bonus half-point to Random Strategy for awesome weaponry.

[13:10 PM] No matter what level it gets to, Jorn Emborg (Magikarp Lvl. 20) still faints straight away, courtesy of The Rat Man

The Rat Man reports: I came across an Aperture android. It was the new Magikarp Lvl. 20 model. It was successfully neutralised with a shiv from my secret stash.

[13:15 PM] Science and linguistics clash and no-one comes off the better. Danielle Saunders (Verb) double kills with Tristan Roberts (The Rat Man)

Verb reports: An uneasy stand-off mere metres from a safe place degenerated quickly, with knives thrown, leaving severe injuries on both sides. After a desperate scramble to regain weapons, I lay dying on Sidney Street, knowing that at least I had taken my assailant with me.

The Rat Man reports: After the magikarp android was neutralised, one of the verb model androids appeared. After a short stand off, I took some of my pills and attacked. My shiv cut its power lines but not before it had hit me with a bullet (and not just part of it, the whole bullet; that's 65% more bullet per bullet).

[14:12 PM] The Bravest Warriors aren't so brave anymore! Hannah McLaughlin (Ralph Waldo Picklechips) is discovered by Problem Sleuth

Ralph Waldo Picklechips reports: lol...forgot i was playing
will be more prepared next time

[15:00 PM] Laura Sedgwick (Soft Mick) is clearly too soft. Dorito takes advantage

Soft Mick reports: At a rain-sodden garden party my guard was down as all my concentration was focussed on getting a burger as soon as possible. Shot with a banana by Dorito in a sneaky and clean kill.
Umpire's note: I will send out a clarification about garden parties later, but they are technically banned. I'll allow this one due to the ambiguity in the rules, but after my email, the rule takes effect.

[16:08 PM] The Mortified Penguin waddles away from its first encounter with Alice Hobbs (Arnie) unscathed

[18:00 PM] It seems that even Peter Rabbit can do group theory. Sakunthala Panditharatne (Saku) (the very deadly group theory enthusiast) dies from shock - and a plunger

Peter Rabbit reports: While wandering around the cabbage patch, Peter Rabbit's new friend, Captain Rabbid, came across the very deadly group theory enthusiast, who was examining the symmetry of the cabbage patch. He quickly hopped forward and beat her to death with a plunger. Peter Rabbit wished he could have been there.

[18:25 PM] The Ghost Who Walks strikes with gusto! The Phantom eliminates Lorenzo Venturini (Total Commander)

The Phantom reports:
Dear Most revered Umpire Esq.
I would like to inform you of the fatal haunting of one Lorenzo Venturini. This unfortunate individual was bold in life, and paid little heed to that creak on the stair, putting it down to his imagination. Little did he know of the spook behind it, that had other plans for him. From within a bizarre indoor fog cloud it emerged, heavily armed, and ended his life most brutally.
I remain your most obedient servant.
The Phantom.

Total Commander reports: It is my sad duty to report my grave injury and death at the hand of a surprising assailant today at 18:25. I put up a valiant defense of my room and died to defend it.

[19:10 PM] Sherry has no effect on amphibious creatures, such as Destriianatos, as Ben Harry Fraser (Barf Near Sherry) discovered

Barf Near Sherry reports: Sarah Binney killed me at 19.10. We locked eyes, I panicked and fumbled for a weapon. She expertly shot me with a blowdart. Revenge will be swift..

[19:12 PM] The Duke will not stand for uprisings from Clare and puts down both Dylan Pritchard (Dr DJP) and Sarah Binney (Destriianatos)

Dr DJP reports: The Duke snook into my room and shot me with an elastic band. He also provided a hobnob.

The Duke reports: A biscuit a day keeps the doctor... Dead.

It was Destiny: as if in a Dream, Death fell upon her, he Desired to end her, and in her Delirium he brought her Despair and Destruction.

[19:32 PM] The Mortified Penguin goes to Sainsbury's, presumably for some fish, but also kills Devang Agrawal (Devang1994)

Mortified Penguin reports: Devang Aggarwal killed by Vamsee Bheemireddy outside sainsburys at 19:32. Stabbed by knife (pen).

[19:45 PM] Tauriel's kill of Hannah Lissaman (Judith of Bethulia) was truly biblical

Tauriel reports: At quarter to eight this evening I spotted an enemy of my people, Hannah Lissaman, outside the building known to men as The Union. After my first few shots failed to kill her, I finally pierced her side and was able to enter the same building in the safe knowledge that she was now no more than a ghost.

Judith of Bethulia reports: I was unfortunately shot in the queue at the Union by Alison Madgwick. Although her first shot misfired, I was unable to defend myself as a had no weapons on my person, allowing her to fire again.

[21:15 PM] Bad Horse! He's bad! Danielle Saunders (Verb) felt the power of his crushing hooves

Bad Horse reports: The Evil League of Evil has begun evaluation of this year's applicants. As part of the application process it was necessary to test Danielle Saunders and Tristan Roberts. Sadly Danielle did not pass the first test. After this failure an apparition appeared above her body and floated back inside. I can only assume that it warned Tristan, a valiant gesture if ultimately futile to her own cause.

[22:30 PM] Video games are still losing to movies, it seems. Tauriel skewers Tristan Roberts (The Rat Man)

Tauriel reports: Whilst sitting in the gathering of our people listening to a speech made by the elf king I spotted another enemy, Tristan Roberts, who had been able to intrude upon our meeting unnoticed. Upon his leaving at around half past ten I followed him, weapons at the ready. Again, my bow misfired, but I was able to grap my knives before he grabbed his and threw a knife into his back as he ducked.

[23:04 PM] The Mortified Penguin comes good on its promise to Alice Hobbs (Arnie) when it said "I'll be back"

Mortified Penguin reports: Alice hobbs killed for 2nd time by Vamsee Bheemireddy at 23:04 in fitzwilliam hall, with knife (pen).

[23:15 PM] Alcohol-induced vomit takes its rightful place in May Week as Barf Near Sherry kills Ollie Rusk (Goodcat)

Barf Near Sherry reports: Threw a knife into Ollie Rusk's heart at 11.15. He thought we were friends. He thought wrong.

[23:28 PM] Who will stop the march of The Duke? Well, it's not Thomas Clausen (Bernward the Bragondorn)

The Duke reports: Just met Thomas Clausen. He was very pleasant. I left a penguin bar between his lips before the rigor mortis set in...

Bernward the Bragondorn reports: The Duke killed me, most kindly it needs to be stressed, yesterday at 23:11 in my room, whilst I was defending Tamriel.

Sunday, 16 June

[03:20 AM] Goodcat slinks around in the dead of night and claims revenge by killing Ben Harry Fraser (Barf Near Sherry)

Barf Near Sherry reports: Decided to be a good sport and remind a drunken Goodcat of the moment upon which he returned to life, approx 3.20 on the way home from cindies. He decided that my act of good will deserved a knife in the gut.

Goodcat reports: Goodcat has claimed a life in vengeance. A simple knife brought Barf Near Sherry to an end. It is done

[10:41 AM] It seems that the only problem here for the Problem Sleuth is why Jorn Emborg (Magikarp Lvl. 20) hasn't evolved into Gyarados yet

Problem Sleuth reports: Shot Jorn Emborg (Magikarp Lvl. 20) at 10.41 with my pistol.

[11:45 AM] Surprising that Mortified Penguin has to resort to antimatter balls - surely it has snowballs? No matter, Max Baxter-Allen (Scooby) is dead

Mortified Penguin reports: As I slumbered fitfully this morning, recovering from a debauched igloo party the previous night, I heard a scratching at the entrance to my humble abode. Perhaps a hungry polar bear? Thankfully, even in my previous daze, I had remembered to seal the igloo securely and I quickly gathered my Ice Gun and Compressed Antimatter balls. Why a penguin has antimatter balls you ask? Perhaps in a previous life, I was a evil genius megalomaniac... Leaving through my secret underwater entrance, I surfaced behind the mysterious creature as it was turning to leave. It appeared to be some form of 4 legged animal, incapable of speaking coherently and overusing 'R' for every word, an oddity I had not previously encountered in the desolate wastelands of my home. Not knowing how deadly it was, I terminated it with extreme prejudice. Due to my impaired mental state, I had not adequately prepared the Ice Gun, so the first shard jammed, but the second pierced it and the following antimatter ball annihilated its body, erasing all evidence. Safe once more, I waddled back to my warm igloo and dreams of fish...

Scooby reports: Went hunting in Fitz this morning, knocked on Mortified Penguin's door, only for him to sneak out his window and throw a condensed anti-matter ball into my back. As my body was torn asunder in a blast of pure energy, I pondered how I would get revenge.

[12:28 PM] The Problem Sleuth is clearly being employed by GLaDOS, as Tristan Roberts (The Rat Man) is no more

Problem Sleuth reports: Chance meeting with Tristan Roberts at 12.28 beside Orgasm Bridge, Tristan's throwing knife missed and he was put down with a pistol.

[12:30 PM] Penguins may trump rabbits in the cuteness stakes, but it seems that rabbits have the upper hand in killing. Vamsee Bheemrieddy (Mortified Penguin) killed by Peter Rabbit

Mortified Penguin reports: Having survived one attempt on my life, I assumed I was safe for a time and decided to try to clean my igloo. As went out to dispose of assorted debris, I was ambushed by a deadly, yet superficially docile, predator. With a loud squawk, I perished, my murderous spree at an end. There is no video of this event, but this is a good approximation:
Once my penguin brethren find my frozen corpse and reanimate me, I shall exact my vengeance. Already, I'm concocting plans for a weapon of suitable lethality for this creature. A blessed hand grenade with a 3 second fuse should work nicely...

Peter Rabbit reports: Peter Rabbit noticed that he was not the only cute fluffy murderous animal around, and decided he'd rectify this problem. He armed himself with the topological nightmare gun, and went penguin hunting! Soon after, the penguin was mortified to discover that some of its homology groups had grown significantly in a short space of time.

[13:00 PM] Aliens have no need for complicated language! Destriianatos eliminates the need for Verb (Danielle Saunders)

Destriianatos reports: Illustrious Master Assassin,
Not sure what Casual Player means but didn't stop me from claiming my revenge on Verb this afternoon. A quick knife to the ribs meant that particular syntactical complexity was indisposed.
Destriianatos, Primatrix Incarnate

[13:04 PM] Surgery Failed! And it was going so well! Brutal murder achieved by both Dylan Pritchard (Dr DJP) and Tim Pearson (Problem Sleuth)

Problem Sleuth reports: Knocked on Dylan Pritchards door at 13.04, but was stabbed with a CD knife as I shot him, resulting in the tragic death of both assassins.

[13:55 PM] However random the strategy, it usually can be unravelled by a time traveller, as Destriianatos discovers Matthew Fitch's Random Strategy

Destriianatos reports: Mercilessly stabbed Matt Fitch at the Cardboard Boat Race at 13.55. Death is sweet.

Random Strategy reports: Random Strategy's glorious boat (despite having superior weapons) was unfortunately not very stable on the water. Taking advantage of his temporary lack of silly weapons, Destriianatos stabbed Random Strategy in the back of the neck. A few minutes later, Tauriel came across the lifeless corpse and shot it for good measure.

[16:35 PM] Total Commander lays down martial law on Devang Agrawal (Devang1994)

Total Commander reports: Today at 16:35, Devang Agrawal lay slain at my hand.

[16:50 PM] Sarah Binney (Destriianatos) should know better than to take on The Rat Man at video games

Destriianatos reports: And just as the final truce was signed, the Rat Man went back on his word and backstabbed me whilst playing an innocent game of Worms Reloaded. The bitter taste of betrayal still hangs in my mouth.
Destriianatos, Rather Depressed Primatrix Incarnate

The Rat Man reports: I found the barrel from a turret lying on a table and managed to fire the bullet in it

[18:45 PM] Peter Rabbit does group theory again to kill Sakunthala Panditharatne (Saku) (the very deadly group theory enthusiast)

Peter Rabbit reports: In a peculiar repetition of events, Captain Rabbid met the very deadly group theory enthusiast around the cabbage patch again. The outcome was also exactly the same; she had learnt nothing from the previous encounter. If this temporal translation was the generator of a group of kill-symmetries, then this might get boring fairly quickly.

[19:30 PM] Bad Horse refuses to let Peter Conn (Pdizzle) join the Evil League of Evil

Bad Horse reports: Daniel Threlfall failed to report for evaluation. Peter Conn will not be joining the Evil League of Evil as he actually applied to join the Henchmen's union.

[19:40 PM] Tauriel gets a double kill with her bow. Danielle Saunders (Verb) and Tristan Roberts (The Rat Man) are the victims

Tauriel reports: Having become aware of a meeting of the enemy right outside my own elven halls, I readied myself for attack in a small alcove off the main forest path that leads there. I started waiting around twenty past seven and at around twenty to eight I spotted three of the enemy group, along with two innocents, approaching along the path. When they were sufficiently close to attack, I shot all three of them, Tristan Roberts, Sarah Binney and Danielle Saunders, trying to keep my line of fire clear of the innocents. They died swiftly, none of them putting up much of a fight, although I did have a knife hurled at me by Tristan, which I dodged. The innocents did not seem too alarmed, although I am uncertain as to whether they were indeed caught in the crossfire or not.
Umpire's note: Sarah Binney was already dead at this point.

[23:30 PM] Eleanor Hobson AKA cherub finds that their bow is useless, letting Soft Mick take the upper hand in Life..

Soft Mick reports: Cherub killed by Soft Mick with elastic band shooter on Suicide Sunday at approx 11:30pm
Yesterday after a day of frustration at a garden party I finally succeeded in killed Cherub in a dastardly betrayal of friendship. After a hello hug I shot her from close range in the darkness of Life. Must be wary as revenge is inevitable.

Monday, 17 June

[00:00 AM] Danielle Saunders (Verb) and Peter Conn (Pdizzle) fade into the ether as they are removed from the game, but Hannah Graham (A pseudonym of the Umpire's choosing) joins the fray

[00:30 AM] Destriianatos's CatBus stopped for Tristan Roberts (The Rat Man). A CatBus of DOOOOM!

Destriianatos reports: Tristan Roberts is dead. At 12:30am my adorable attack CatBus was unleashed upon him. He never stood a chance.
Destriianatos, Considerably More Upbeat Primatrix Incarnate

[12:30 PM] Evariste eviscerates Lorenzo Venturini (Total Commander)

Evariste reports: Hello,
At around 1230 today, I snuck up behind Lorenzo Venturini, who was making his way across a court in Queens', and was bludgeoned to death with a hairbrush.

[14:10 PM] Tim Pearson (Problem Sleuth) thinks he's solved the Riddle of The Phantom, but rule-breaking means the spectre wins out

The Phantom reports: Dear most revered umpire.
It is with great doubt that the phantom has been exorcised at 2.10pm, however this violent spirit claimed the life of his exorcist, dragging them together into the abyss.
The Phantom

Problem Sleuth reports: After knocking on Tom Neat's (The Phantom) door and beginning to settle in for the long run, my first attempt was foiled by a timely door closing. I retreated to form a crude ambush, but this was bungled when The Phantom appeared from an unexpected direction, resulting in the death of both the assassins at 14.10

Umpire's note: Problem Sleuth used a bang kill in combat, which is against the rules listed here - "[Bang kills are] intended to be used on occasions when you are surprising your intended victim and NOT as a piece of combat." Therefore, their kill of The Phantom does not count.

[15:30 PM] Tristan Roberts (The Rat Man) goes for an exploration through Aperture Laboratories AKA Clare, kills Ben Harry Fraser (Barf Near Sherry), Jorn Emborg (Magikarp Lvl. 20) and Sarah Binney (Destriianatos) but falls to the claws of Goodcat

Goodcat reports: Another betrayal of trust caused me to open my door while the stealthy Rat Man waited to strike. I had kept my wits, however, and dodged, slaying him in the counterstrike with a thrown knife. Let it be known that this cat has claws, people.

The Rat Man reports: I was returning from the far side of the testing facility, back to my nest, through the tunnels when I heard voices from one of the rooms. I quietly entered only to see two androids, the magikarp and destriinatos models I'd destroyed earlier. The computer must have rebuilt them although they seemed to be faulty, my shivs were able to quickly disable them both. I continued through the bowels of the facility when I saw a door labelled "barf near sherry". I thought it might have been a cache left by another survivor of the neurotoxin so I opened to door. When I did so, I was greeted not by a happy friend, but by a turret. Luckily its targeting system was too slow for it to attack me and I was able to cut its power lines. Slightly further on my journey I found a door marked "goodcat". Thinking my companion cube could use the extra company of a cat I was able to persuade the door to open. Unfortunately the cat's claws tore my face off.

[16:40 PM] Bad Horse's death whinny strikes Hannah Lissaman (Judith of Bethulia)

Bad Horse reports: Hannah Lissaman finds herself unable to complete the application process at this time due to being shot in the face.

[17:00 PM] Silence has fallen over the ranks of Lorenzo Venturini (Total Commander). Presumably, it was the work of mort silencieuse

mort silencieuse I drove a knife through the chest of Total Commander outside senate house this evening.
mort silencieuse.

[17:45 PM] Matthew Fitch (Aaron Domnoob) is the real noob as, even though Jessica Poon (MC-JP) perishes, Arnie stands victorious

Aaron Domnoob reports: The mighty Domnoob went hunting for noobs. Today, they had decided to group together in one rubbish fortress. Unfortunately, no sooner had he arrived, that the alarm was sounded. A burly accomplice attempted to wrestle Domnoob the strong in an attempt to protect her masters. But she was no match for his skill, and was promptly shot in the face. The mighty Domnoob managed to hit MC-JP as she attempted futilely to shoot back. Then Domnoob, with his very keen sense of hearing, thought he heard Arnie escaping through a window, and reentering the castle through another. A pathetic minion, looking exactly like the one Aaron had previously dispatched (in a glorious prowess of skill), walked past him. Suddenly, the minion leapt forward, and stabbed Domnoob the great: it turned out this was Arnie herself! The earlier accomplice had merely been a clone, cunningly deployed earlier to remove suspicions on the real Arnie.
Clones OP. Nothing is supposed to kill Aaron Domnoob the invulnerable. Nerf Plox.

[18:00 PM] Bad Horse beats beetmall (Andrew Harland)

Bad Horse reports: Andrew Harland fails due to being foolish enough to turn his back to a member of the ELoE.

[18:55 PM] The bounty is claimed! Dr DJP kills Jorn Emborg (Magikarp Lvl. 20) with a snowball

Dr DJP reports: Just taken Jorn Emborg down with a snowball (18:55). Our overenthusiastic fridge creates a lot of ice which came in handy.
Am I first?

Umpire's note: I'll get onto Alex G as soon as I can..

[19:30 PM] Aliens aren't safe anywhere, not even when queuing for Balls, as Sarah Binney (Destriianatos) found out, courtesy of Bad Horse

[20:15 PM] The Phantom must be the ghost of one of Dr DJP's patients (Dylan Pritchard died)

The Phantom reports: Dear Most Respectful and Revered Umpire
Having made the transition from simple poltergeist to more nefarious spook The Phantom has been seen haunting the dark passageways around Claire. At around 8.10-8.20 pm two unlucky individuals sighted ghosts. Jorn Emborg and Dylan Pritchard were sighted and found to be defenseless, and the Phantom swooped without mercy upon them, dragging them to their cold graves.
Your Humble Servant
The Phantom Umpire's note: Jorn was already dead from the snowball incident, so Tom does not get the kill.

[21:45 PM] Who would have thought that The Rat Man could take down a noble steed like Bad Horse (Cheryl Weedon)?

The Rat Man reports: Venturing through the empty halls of the aperture science research centre I found the break room where I'd once celebrated a friend's birthday. As I entered the memories washed over me as if I was really there.
There was cake.
Real cake.
Not this stuff made with fish flakes.
There were doughnuts.
Real doughnuts.
Not the ones I made by tearing the scraps of bread I could find into the right shape.
As I lingered, I felt a presence moving towards the room. I looked towards the door and saw a face I half recognised standing there. My faithful cube whispered to me that it was going to kill me and that I should strike first. I threw my companion cube at it first and missed but, before they could strike I threw a specimen flask at them. The glass smashed and a creature wriggled free and latched onto their head.

Bad Horse reports: To qualify for the ELoE you must be evil in everything you do. You must be sneaky and deceitful at all times to ensure that you guard against these characteristics in those around you. You must never turn your back on a bad horse with a gun.
Ambushed almost at the heart of ELoE HQ! The first thing I knew the companion cube whizzed by my head. Since my iron hoof does not have opposable thumbs it wasn't able to draw anything useful before I got hit in the face by a strange and painful creature. This heinous crime against my person qualifies The Rat Man to be tested more vigorously in the next round.

Tuesday, 18 June

[09:45 AM] Tauriel goes fishing and catches a Magikarp Lvl. 20 (Jorn Emborg)

Tauriel reports: This morning, knowing of last nights revellings of the enemy close to our borders, the elves took a dawn raid upon Clare Memorial Court. Most of the targets were fast asleep with their sleeping chambers well defended, but one unfortunate individual, Jorn Emborg, had not been so careful. At quarter to ten I was able to sneak in and stab him in his slumber, leaving a note on his person. In doing this however, I awoke him, as he was only in a light sleep. Thus, I shot him in the chest too for good measure, before making a swift retreat, lest there be any other raiders about. On my way out I left some biscuits, to placate his ghost when it finally arose.

[14:00 PM] There's a sudden quiet as Devang Agrawal (Devang1994) and Lorenzo Venturini (Total Commander) fall foul of mort silencieuse

mort silencieuse reports: Devang1994 and Total Commander make up the collection for today.

[14:00 PM] There's only room for one non-human in the Evil League of Evil! Sarah Binney (Destriianatos) is blasted by Bad Horse

Bad Horse reports: Binney has failed twice in as many days. She will not be joining the Evil League of Evil.

[14:25 PM] Ghost-type isn't super effective against water, but that doesn't stop The Phantom taking down Jorn Emborg (Magikarp Lvl. 20), with assistance from Tauriel

The Phantom reports: Revenge of the Dead - Having heard rumors of the encroachment of zombies upon my haunting grounds I immediately set out, with Tauriel, to end this rival undead menace. Stopping at Memorial Court I sighted the corpse of Jorn Emborg rising from his resting place. Seeing this menace I promptly dispatched him back into death using a rubber band at approximately 2.25.

[14:55 PM] Problem Sleuth finds fault with A pseudonym of the Umpire's choosing (Hannah Graham)

Problem Sleuth reports: Stabbed Hannah Graham to death at about 14:55. However, this was about 5-10 minutes before a play she was acting in begun, and she was hanging out in the 'backstage' (A cloister of selwyn). Up to her whether she considers this to have been OOB :)

[14:55 PM] Elf and spectre continue their alliance, but there's a bloodbath at Robinson. Max Baxter-Allen (Scooby) and Tom Neat (The Phantom) die - only Tauriel survives

The Phantom reports: Having found ourselves in the vicinity of Robinson college, my fellow assassin Tauriel and I went to the room of 'Scooby'. Upon reaching his door I attempted to stealth attack him through his unguarded door. However as the door opened my ghostly presence caused a gasp of surprise and so I fired a preemptive shot from my rubber band gun, missing him, but allowing me to shut and hold the door. Sensing my presence on the other side of the door, Scooby held it shut from his side also. Believing this to be a 'no force' situation I retreated to where my fellow assassin was setting a cunning elven ambush. As I retreated I became aware of Scooby exiting his room, and fired some additional rubber bands at him. As soon as he was in range of the ambush tauriel opened fire and hit the offender with a great blast of water as well as catching me in the crossfire, at approximately the same time as I was stabbed to death by Max. Regardless of who landed the fatal blow, the Phantom was returned to his grave. For now...

Tauriel reports: This afternoon I decided to go hunting for known enemies of the elves, accompanied by a spirit of the forest, known as Tom Neat. After having stopped off at Memorial Court once more for Tom to kill the newly resurrected Jorn Emborg, we proceeded on to Robinson, here to take on Max Baxter Allen. Tom attempted entry by stealth, but when he realised he had been seen he held the door shut briefly, allowing me to retreat to where I had a clean line of fire. At Tom let go of the door handle, the resident stormed out of his room brandishing a dagger. Tom took a few shots at him, before I finally killed the offender with my superior weaponry. Tom, however, was caught in my line of fire too and so was also hit by me, as well as sustaining a head wound from the enemy's dagger.

Scooby reports: Was in my room searching for clues when I noticed my door start to open. I grabbed my nerf gun, but the intruder sensed I would not be an easy kill, and closed the door. For several tense moments we waited on either side. Then I swung the door open, and nerfs and rubber bands flew in both directions, bouncing off walls and my door, until my attacker ran out of rubber bands (we are both terrible shots it seems). I chased him down the corridor, stabbing him in the neck as we passed a corner, only to be soaked in acid from his assistant. As my body dissolved into a bubbly goo, I pondered how I would get my revenge...

Umpire's note: Tauriel has surrendered the kill of Tom Neat (The Phantom) to Scooby.

[19:00 PM] The Aperture Science Enrichment Centre thanks The Rat Man for their contribution of Sarah Binney (Destriianatos)

The Rat Man reports: I was hiding in my nest when I heard a rapping on the panel which I used as a door. I peaked through a gap in it and saw that it was Destriianatos (apparently the androids have taken to announcing their arrival as they attempt to kill me). Armed with this knowledge I was able to quickly dispatch them with a single well-placed throwing shiv.

[20:05 PM] I'm tempted to give Tauriel the pseudonym of Ball Queue Killer as Jonathan (Jonny) Tsang (Evariste) is the next to fall

Tauriel reports: Having heard of an enemy gathering under the name of Queen's May Ball, I set out to scour the queue into this gathering for enemies that I could easily dispatch. At five past eight I spotted Jonny Tsang and subtlety slipped stabbed him as his back was turned. As he slumped to the floor bleeding, he turned around to see who had killed him and uttered his last words: "Oh damn...". I hope his ghost enjoyed the event.

Wednesday, 19 June

[13:25 PM] The Ginosaji attempts a brute force method to solve the problem known as Sakunthala Panditharatne (Saku) (the very deadly group theory enthusiast)

The Ginosaji reports: The Ginosaji will hit you with a spoon, again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again. You cannot escape the Ginosaji.

[13:45 PM] Scooby goes looking for Shaggy but instead finds Hannah Graham (A pseudonym of the Umpire's choosing) and Lorenzo Venturini (Total Commander)

Scooby reports: Seeing that my previous killer had not yet been killed, I sought to change that. After much difficulty, I made it into Blundell court, only to find her room locked. All was not in vain though, as along the long march to Sidney I killed Hannah Graham (1:30) and Lorenzo Venturini (1:50) in their rooms, and Tom Neat I chased and stabbed as he walked out of Garden court (2:05). I also attempted to kill Tom Clausen, but he narrowly avoided death by slamming his door shut at the last second.

[14:05 PM] Scooby does what he does best and vanquishes Tom Neat (The Phantom)

The Phantom reports: The phantom exorcised at 2.05pm, from Sidney by Max.

[15:00 PM] Jonathan (Jonny) Tsang (Evariste), being French, should have known what mort silencieuse meant

mort silencieuse reports: I killed Evariste yesterday afternoon near Emma.

[17:10 PM] Bad Horse sends Hannah McLaughlin (Ralph Waldo Picklechips) to the See-Through Zone

Ralph Waldo Picklechips reports: Attacked by water pistol, fought back with knife! Double kill! Resolved by breathtaking duel which I inevitably lost. Oh sweet release of death, I embrace thee once more.

Bad Horse reports: The spirit that the late Hannah McLaughlin showed in dueling the Bad Horse will be rewarded. Her ghost is ready for the next round of evaluation.

[17:25 PM] Well, The Ginosaji is successfully making Sakunthala Panditharatne (Saku) (the very deadly group theory enthusiast) suffer

The Ginosaji reports: 4 hours later, The Ginosaji is still hitting Sakunthala Panditharatne (Saku) with a spoon. He will not stop until you are dead. Nothing can stop him, except for your death.

[19:55 PM] A voluntary duel? Unorthodox, but it seems that Tauriel came out on top against Tom Neat (The Phantom)

The Phantom reports: Last evening, before a June event Tauriel and I approached the queue at approximately ten to eight in the evening, with the intent of joining said queue to attend the event. However the length of queue was much longer than anticipated and ideas differed as to the appropriate response. I was in favor of joining and remaining in the queue until the start of the event, whereas my friend suggested we return home and then go and join the queue later once it had start to be let in and had shrunk. Despite reasoned verbal debate no proposal was accepted, and hence we were unsure of what to do.
In order to resolve this situation I proposed a duel with pistols on the backs. We left the vicinity of the queue, and took places back to back. Three paces we took, and then a quick shot. I was quicker on the draw and shot a dart at tauriel, but with fiendish elven speed she dodged it. In response, as I reloaded my small gun, she launched a barrage of throwing pens, and took me out with a pen to the chest. Thus we did not join the may ball queue until much later, and the phantom was banished at 7.55 pm.

Tauriel reports: Last night both I and the spirit of the forest, Tom Neat, went to a night time gathering of the elves in the halls of Trinity Hall. We approached the queue to the event at five to eight and, seeing how long it was, I voted to return to our own forest glen for a bit before returning. The phantom that accompanied me, however, was of another mind and wished to stay, so in order to settle the dispute we had a civilised duel. He shot at me with a one-shot weapon, but I threw knives and hit him just as I dodged the dart. The dispute was settled and we returned home before setting off once more to the gathering.

[20:00 PM] Ben Harry Fraser (Barf Near Sherry) and Ollie Rusk (Goodcat) will never reach the lofty heights of Dead Bowie and Fake Thomas Jefferson if Bad Horse keeps killing them

Bad Horse reports: Ben Fraser and Ollie Rusk have failed to make the Bad Horse gleeful.

Goodcat reports: While on an evening stroll I fell prey to Badhorse, who used the perfect weapon against this cat - water. I never stood a chance.

Thursday, 20 June

[11:50 AM] The Battle of the Medics is won by Barf Near Sherry, who stabs Dylan Pritchard (Dr DJP)

Barf Near Sherry reports: Dylan Pritchard was happily enjoying champagne at our medics breakfast, 11.50. I happily injected him with an epi-pen. Obviously Clare has terrible medical students, not a single one tried to revive him.

[12:00 PM] Bad Horse makes Zach Hassan (Venom) his mare

Bad Horse reports: Venom failed the first round of evaluation. However he put in a good effort and has an appropriate name to join us. The ELoE are [still] watching - beware.

[14:05 PM] The Phantom preys on the sick, like Devang Agrawal (Devang1994)

The Phantom reports: Having discovered a concentration of would be assassins in queens college, the phantom expanded his haunting grounds. Sneaking into the room of Devang Agrawal, I found him laying upon his (death)bed, the sign of a fever upon him. The sight of a specter packing a gun scared him to death at 2.05pm this day, and he departed peaceably to join the legions in the afterlife.
Devang, Hope you are feeling better soon.

[15:25 PM] It seems that Tauriel is getting a bit cocky, as they combine their kill of Toby Crisford (Tinky Winky) with a put-down

Tauriel reports: At 3.25 I spotted a little known and nonthreatening enemy outside the Senate House known as Toby Crisford. He made no attempt to defend himself or retreat as I shot several arrows into his stomach. He died instantly, and was thus spared the terror of having to check his results.

Tinky Winky reports: Was brutally murdered today with a water gun at 3:25 as I was on my way to check results at the Senate House.

[16:25 PM] Is there a doctor in the house? Well, there was two, but now Barf Near Sherry's killed Dylan Pritchard (Dr DJP)

Barf Near Sherry reports: Threw a knife into Dylan's chest as he came up the stairs, 16.25. Decided not to let him stay alive for very long today.

[16:30 PM] Scooby makes a Scooby Snack from Vamsee Bheemrieddy (Mortified Penguin)

Scooby reports: While in the secret lair of the league of extraordinary gentlemen, there was a knocking at the door. I saw through the glass that it was my mortal enemy, Mortified Penguin. We stared each other from opposite sides. Then, the penguin held the door ajar and through his knife. A foolish mistake, it whistled past me, and I opened the door and, using my natty strength gained from years of skateboard squats, held an anvil above his head brought it crashing into his face. I always liked my fish battered.

[20:30 PM] Some fishy business at a duel, where Mortified Penguin gets revenge on Max Baxter-Allen (Scooby)

Scooby reports: 4 hours later, the penguin had re-spawned, and we agreed the only way to settle this without having us at each other's throat the whole night would be to duel. We each armed ourselves with of these: and fought. After some thrusts, parries and dodges from both sides, the Penguin took my let hand out, narrowly dodged my counter, then stabbed my right hand. With both arms broken, all was lost, and he plunged the weapon into my heart as I attempted to headbutt him. Umpire's note: For the record, those are sai. Go read the Elektra comics. Just don't see the film.

[20:50 PM] Return of The Duke! Thomas Clausen (Bernward the Bragondorn) is their latest new serf

The Duke reports: We see one another at the same time. He smiles and shrugs. I repeat the gesture. Then pull out my blade and stab him.

Bernward the Bragondorn reports: I have been killed by the Duke yesterday evening at around 8pm.

[20:56 PM] It's a bad day for Zach Hassan (Venom) but a great day for The Duke

The Duke reports: Unbelievable. Two walk into my path in five minutes. Zach Hassan just appeared by the mill pond and died to my blade too.

[23:29 PM] The Duke makes it three in a row by ridding his duchy of doctors, including Dylan Pritchard (Dr DJP)

[23:45 PM] Little-known fact: Bad Horse never sleeps - he stays awake by drinking the blood of his enemies. Hannah Graham (A pseudonym of the Umpire's choosing) was the snack today

Bad Horse reports: Hannah failed her evaluation. However she was good natured about being evaluated at stupid o'clock at night and therefore may be the sort of person who we would enjoy having at ELoE HQ. Her application may be re-evaluated.

Friday, 21 June

[00:10 AM] A wild Tristan Roberts (The Rat Man) appeared! Magikarp Lvl. 20 used Tackle! A critical hit! The Rat Man faints!

Destriianatos reports: Exciting developments on the Sidgwick Site: Jorn snuck up on Tristan and took him out from behind with a concealed knife.

[00:11 AM] A wild Destriianatos appeared! Magikarp Lvl. 20 used Splash! But nothing happened! Destriianatos used Roar of Time! Magikarp Lvl. 20 (Jorn Emborg) fainted!

Destriianatos reports: However, I had fast enough reactions to get Jorn right back with my own weapon. All very thrilling.
Destriianatos, Primatrix Incarnate Victorious

[00:15 AM] Bad Horse finds that the League's motto, Homines non boni seriose, applies to Sarah Binney (Destriianatos)

Bad Horse reports: To show you how it should be done I have commited a heinous crime, a show of force, a murder (or two). Tristan Roberts and Sarah Binney will not be re-evaluated. May their spirits rest in pieces.
Umpire's note: Tristan was already dead from Jorn's kill.

[11:30 AM] Tauriel goes on a orc killing spree, ridding the world of Jorn Emborg (Magikarp Lvl. 20), Eleanor Hobson (cherub), Alice Hobbs (Arnie) and Jessica Poon (MC-JP)

Tauriel reports: This morning I went searching throughout the forest land of our people to find and kill the enemies of the elves. At 11.00 I spotted Jorn Emborg amongst the trees and, after a short chase, shot him fatally in the stomach. I proceeded on to the fortress known as Murrey Edwards where, at 11.35 I dispatched Eleanor Hobson with two arrows to the stomach. From there I went on to the nearby kingdom of Fitzwilliam, where I ridded the world of Alice Hobbs at 11.50 and Jessica Poon at 11.55. None of them put up a fight and I returned to my elven halls with the knowledge that this part of Middle Earth is a safer place.

[12:55 PM] This is what happens when you're the leader of an internationally-famous crime gang - you get a lot of enemies. Goodcat kills Cheryl Weedon (Bad Horse)

Goodcat reports: My sharp cats vision spotted Badhorse stalking clare memorial court once again. This time I was ready. A scuffle broke out on the stairs which ended with a knife in her arm and back

Bad Horse reports: Ollie Rusk has made the Bad Horse gleeful

[14:40 PM] Max Baxter-Allen (Scooby)'s attempt to game the system for some free wine backfires as he kills Sarah Binney (Destriianatos) but is promptly skewered by The Rat Man

Scooby reports: I wanted that wine, but my score was too high to guarantee it. So I sought after the mysterious man the locals called "The man of a thousand deaths". (UMPIRE: I'm guessing Jorn?) I proposed to him, at gunpoint, that if we teamed up and let him shoot bad horse, the loot would be ours to share. Sadly he was already dead, which I should have known, but we agreed to meet in an hour. In the meantime, I went upstairs and killed Sarah (2:40), but made a rookie mistake, hanging around too, giving Rat Man, who was also in the room, time to throw a knife into my chest.

[15:00 PM] Somehow, Magikarp Lvl. 20 has learnt Fire Blast and so uses it to incinerate Tristan Roberts (The Rat Man)

Magikarp Lvl. 20 reports: now I just killed tristan 15.00 amazing headshot with fireball!

[16:00 PM] I'm also tempted to change Tauriel's pseudonym to Biscuit Supplier, as they killed Hannah Graham (A pseudonym of the Umpire's choosing)

Tauriel reports: At 4pm this afternoon I crept into the dwelling place of a friendly but misguided and enemy of the elves, Hannah Graham. She was unawares of her impending death until my arrow shot her in the chest. As is custom amongst murderous but friendly elves, I sated her ghost with biscuits.

[16:10 PM] Even with Jorn Emborg (Magikarp Lvl. 20)'s new powers, Barf Near Sherry still comes out on top

Barf Near Sherry reports: Killed Jorn earlier today, about 16.10, thought I'd get in on this bandwagon.

[16:30 PM] Alison Madgwick (Tauriel)'s streak finally ends as Barf Near Sherry decapitates her, but she does take out Dylan Pritchard (Dr DJP)

Tauriel reports: At 4.30 I entered Clare Memorial Court once more to end the lives of Sarah Binney and Dylan Pritchard. Sarah was unfortunately already dead, but I shot Dylan fatally before heading over to the staircase of their fellow clareites. This, however, was a bad move. As Ben Fraser opened the entrance to his lair I got ready with my bow, but I was not quick enough. Ben threw a knife which hit my neck, embedding itself in my throat. After the deaths of fifteen orcs and other enemies, Tauriel finally breathed her last breath and her ghost left her body and drifted back into the forest. Its final thought was that at least she had made Middle Earth a safer place by ridding it of so many beings that would in their turn have wrought havoc on the elven kingdom, had she not stopped them.

[16:32 PM] The Phantom avenges Tauriel by frightening Ben Harry Fraser (Barf Near Sherry) to death

The Phantom reports:
One Final Report

Having gone with the Duke and Tauriel into Memorial Court, we entered the accommodation of Ollie rusk and Ben Fraser, having witnessed the demise of Dylan Pritchard, the last survivor of I staircase.

The Duke spotted a sword wielding man whist reconnoitering for the enemy and dispatched him. I haunted the footsteps of Ben Fraser and felled him when he emerged from his room and killed Tauriel. In a brutal act of terror this Phantom felled the foe without mercy or hesitation with a water shot to the chest. He joined the dead in eternal slumber.

The phantom, having avenged himself upon the living sufficiently may finally rest in peace.

Your Humble Servant

The Phantom

[16:35 PM] The Duke makes a pet of Ollie Rusk (Goodcat)

Goodcat reports: Despite patrolling my halls with sword in hand, I was set upon in my own kitchen by the Duke.

The Duke reports: Ollie Rusk, Clare, with a water gun in the corridor of x staircase at four thirty.
All in the valley of Death
Rode the six hundred.
"Forward, the Light Brigade!
"Charge for the guns!" he said:
Into the valley of Death
Rode the six hundred.

[17:29 PM] The Victory of the Knitted Daleks as The Duke, Master and Doctor combined exterminates Hannah McLaughlin (Ralph Waldo Picklechips)

The Duke, Master and Doctor combined reports: I really can't believe my luck this game...
Just took out Hannah with my Dalek (finally!) on sidgwick st.
Report (as 'The Duke, Master and Doctor hybrid' please)(picture attached):
My sonic screwdriver was lost, my companions all scattered, and my foe, Hannah, mighty. I had only one option... Your enemy's enemy is your friend, right?
#EXTERMINATE# said the Dalek. Here's the attack weapon!
Umpire's note: 0.5 points have been awarded for awesome weaponry.

[20:15 PM] Matthew Fitch's Random Strategy was so random, he double-killed with Max Baxter-Allen (Scooby)

Scooby reports: At 20:15, I double-killed with Max Baxter-Allen

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