Cloak & Dagger The Assassins' Guild - Week 3 News

Friday, 8 November

[15:00 PM] Viktor cries to death over the vegetable of doom,The onion

[16:00 PM] Knock Knock,Nobody there, sorry tacticallemon!
Nobody reports:

On a rainy Friday afternoon, Nobody made his way to the rooms of his target to fulfill a highly secretive mission. The resident, not easily fooled by anybody or Nobody, stayed behind his shut door, perhaps prewarned by someone about the approaching emptiness from outside. Nothing happened on this dreary afternoon. Not that day.

[16:15 PM] The web of fate is complex but The Weaver escapes being cut out.
The Weaver reports:

As I unpacked various goods for future weavings of a culinary variety, which I had recently purchased from the local supermarket, I was greeted with a rapping at the J-block door. As the heavens were envoking their eternal watery rage upon the Earth, I simply assumed, having seen me, they expected someone opening the door would enter them into the dry at a greater rate than usage of key. Alas, not true. They had come for me. As they asked after [INSERT NAME HERE], I knew I had to act quickly. My puny weapon concealed within the webbings of my pocket was a one-shot-wonder,and useless against two, particularly not knowing who my assassin was out of the two. Knowing no record of my face is present on the web page known as 'FaceBook', I responded with "She's/He's out at the moment.", completely forgetting the resident board next to my saying I was in. I will never know if I am a hypnotist or if they are unobservant however, as my woven web of lies was enough to send them back into the wet wondrous world.

Later, as I sought to expand my web of knowledge at a lecture provided by the Archimedeans society, I noticed a certain sneaky character. They seemed to be observing me. My suspicions appeared confirmed when they sat directly behind me during the presentation. Unable to say for certain whether or not I was over-analysing, I waited until the end, safe in the knowledge that lecture halls and societies are out of bounds. As the guest lecturer strung the final fibre into her educational web, and leaving time arrived, I gathered up my weavings watched to see which door my stalker would leave by. When he didn't leave immediately, I made for the door on the other side of the theatre, and was glad to see him take the other door. Once outside the theatre, I quickly made my way into the outside world, and quickly began spanning the web of streets to get back to St Catharine's. It was dark,and the intricate details of faces were hard to make out. As a result, I resolved to flee from anyone coming from behind, even once back across the Cam I felt it necessary to flee a pair of cyclists, riding behind me, side by side. My caution has paid off however: you have not seen the last of...


[16:30 PM] Chaos in the Corridor Rahiden and Marwood battle it out indecisively, but one accomplice dies!
Marwood reports:

An assassin tried to kill me at about 5 this evening. He brought an accomplice and I had a fellow assassin in my room at the time. I snuck out of my room and came round behind them. First I killed the accomplice with a bang kill, then I shot my would-be assassin while he threw ninja stars at me.

Umpire's Note: Since the players were in combat the bang kill does not count, As the players have admitted some confusion I have decided to Discount this event. Except that Aiden Chan is now WANTED for getting an accomplice killed!

Rahiden reports:

At around 16:30 I arrived outside my targtes room with my accomplice, nicknamed Marx. I managed to blow my cover with a feeble story about lost lecture notes, at which point the door was slammed on our faces. I then hid in their bathroom while Marx lingered downstairs; we were later informed that the target spent this time escaping through the window and re-entering the building, allowing them to shoot a defenceless Marx (thinking he was the assassin).

The next series of events was a little confusing: the aggresive prey discovered my hiding spot and raised their cardboard gun to my head, I released one of my throwing stars.My assailant shouted â??Bang!â?? before getting hit in the face. We were uncertain as to who had killed whom

Umpire's Note: Please let me reiterate: Bang Kills are not allowed in combat, only in stealth kills where the target is unaware of your presence/status as an assassin. Once players are actively exchanging fire bang kills are no longer allowed.

[18:00 PM] A Tranquil Night for Aesahaettr
Aesahaettr reports:

Cold moon, sailing high!

A knock, but the worm retreats

the rain continues...

[18:00 PM] Double Kill,Unity,James Richard Merrill - known as Jamie, and monkeypimp,Swaraj Dash take each other out.

[18:50 PM] A poetic offering but no kill by Ahti.
Ahti reports:

Sing I now of Lemminkäinen, Mighty Ahti Saarelainen. Told he was to go to war and so he sang himself a horse; a horse of iron with shining body sang legs for it out of steel wire. Rode he on it to far-off Southland aimed he there to slay his foeman, kill his foe with deadly crossbow run him through with sharpened blade, as th'enemy went to dinner, off to eat in the vaulted hall, the high ceilinged-place.

He rode one minute, he rode two, 'til after three he was still on the road. When he finally arrived his foe could not be found. Knocked he on the wooden door and no answer did he hear. Called he unto the foe's serfs "Unto me your master bring forth, that I may my foe slay, so can I kill my foe with deadly crossbow run him through with sharpened blade." They then tried to bring their master forth but he would not be brought; he, they couldn't find. Ahti left in foul mood his foe did yet live, returned he his island to; back home he returned.


[20:55 PM] Bandicoot bungles attempt on Comments Section

[21:00 PM] See the Comments Section regarding the death of Syrio Forel,Gareth David Funk
Comments Section reports:

Faridaflanelle: Funk left his door open, so I burst in and shot him dead. Nice room though.

Thejoker: Urk. Too dead to comment.

Johnsstudent: Pff, I'd rather be at Oxford than there.

Cindiescindiescindies: Whatever they say, these people are torn, wild and bereft...

RugbyLAD12: I find this comment misogynistic and xenophobic, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Unionmember38: Try our new secret for electile dysfunction. Achieve longer and larger elections than ever before!

Rahrahfirstandthird: Hmm, you need be less violent on the recovery.

[23:25 PM] Bonfire night a little late. Hatty McGrew kills Fawkes,Edward John Elcock - known as Ed
Fawkes reports:

With the incompetence deadline looming tomorrow, I was stuck for what to do. Fortunately my own incompetence solved this for me when a dalek smashed down my door at 11.35 and exterminated me in an extremely polite fashion (knocked first AND apologised profusely after). Sadly I was on my thirteenth regeneration and this finished me off. RIP Fawkes.

Saturday, 9 November

[11:56 AM] The umpire makes Laser,Marietta sneak Edgecombe,The Hooligan,Blazer WANTED!

[13:00 PM] The Duchess proves why the aristocracy survive and kills Pelagia Noctiluca,Nicola Papastavrou Brooks
Duchess reports:

I am not ordinarily in the habit of forming elaborate plans or even casing a joint; I am more of an improviser. That said, yesterday's recon turned out to be surprisingly helpful. Having forced my way through torrential rain to reach my target's college, I encountered my first hurdle. Locked doors, however, pose no issue to Duchess and it wasn't long until I had managed to make my way to my targets corridor. In lieu of my targets presence, I found a neighbour who was unable to resist Duchess' charms and accidentally gave me all the information I required for today's hit. She was now in the Danger Zone.

I attended her lecture this morning, with the intention of leaving with her and waiting for an opportune moment without witnesses in which to end her. Unfortunately, this proved harder than expected. My informant had neglected to mention that she cycled. Not so easily defeated however, after letting her get out of sight range, I high-tailed it home and picked up my own bike. Without any idea what her afternoon entailed, I had merely one opportunity to complete the hit: When she dropped her stuff back. For all knew, she could have become an Incompetant this afternoon and Duchess does not allow others to do his job for him. The race was on.

I managed to over take her somewhere along the route and pulled in to the college. Not having time to chain my bicycle up for risk of her arriving, I dumped it, headed to the prescouted unlocked ingress and hoped that my target would be the first to arrive; collateral damage was not part of my plan. Fortunately, due to perfect situational awareness I remained unnoticed by civilians. A double tap later and it was all over for my target.

Duchess x

Pelagia Noctiluca reports:

Hi, i'm dead, betrayed by someone in my own college, killed by Duchess, she wasn't even creative about it

[14:00 PM] Rufus Scrimgeour ruthlessly hunts down incompetents Spoon,Filip Masic and Kaiji,Lukasz Segiet on the inco-bash part 1
Kaiji reports:

They came to my room, I was prepared, I had a knife, but they were too quick. As soon as I opened my door I was stabbed and shot at the same time!

Best wishes,

Lukasz - incompetent - Segiet (Kaiji)

Rufus Scrimgeour reports:

Activity report

Date and time: 09/11/2013 from 2:00 to 7:00

Operatives: Professor Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, Rufus Scrimgeour, Rubeus Hagrid, Ronald Bilius Weasley, Gunther Gundrop, [other person?]

Mission: Capture and bring in for questioning all individuals from list 37B, most of them accused of various breaches of the newly instated Ministerial Decree no. 891293-Inc (making inaction in a time of need a criminal offence).

Status: Partial Success: Spoon and Jose Armando captured; Kaiji captured and to be tried pending release from St Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and injuries; Anton Vowl killed.

Casualties: Rufus Scrimgeour was stabbed, but was quickly healed by Dumbledore. Kaiji received a nasty hex to the head, but will survive to the trial. Anton Vowl was crushed to death by Rubeus Hagrid.

Detailed Report: As this was a very large operation, a great number of our people were mobilised. We left from Hogwarts and proceeded to the house of Gonville to capture tacticallemon, accused of corruption during his time in office. Unfortunately, he appears to have invested in security trolls, as a few were guarding the entrance to the mansion. Under decree no. 27872-b, we could not engage the trolls, but Gunther Gundrop succesfully got passed them. Unfortunately, he failed to reach tacticallemon. We then proceeded to the village of Catz to capture Kaiji. Although he stabbed me, I simultaneously hit him with a large spooning hex in the face. Dumbledore then healed my wounds, and we sent Kaiji off to St Mungo's, adding 'assault of a ministry of magic representative' to his crimes. We then went to the (largely muggle-inhabited) suburbs of Darwin but The Bride was missing. We had no luck finding Ginny Weasley, Luna Lovegood or Banana Marley in the witch's covenant of Newnham. We visited Gonville Fort, but failed to scale its walls, then the forest of Selwyn, but still no luck. Finally, we reached the small village of Clare, and at last we succeeded. Anton Vowl was crushed to death by Hagrid, while Jose Armando received a curse in the chest from Gunther Gundrop (I myself missed completely). After this point, I continued with the mission on my own, for the next person was accused of impersonating a Ministry of Magic Official, (myself in fact), by calling himself Spoon. I hexed him in the head but he was unharmed.


[14:00 PM] Inco bash Squad 2 has More Success than Squad 1
Rodent reports:

I must report that after what I gather was a lengthy steak out on behalf of my assassins I was killed outside of my room at approximately 16:15 today with a revolver (i.e. water pistol)by one of the valiant members of Dumbledore's army. Not only was my death justified by my gross incompetence in carrying out the assassination of my assigned targets but was even more deserved by the fact that I passed three of my later murderers on the stairs up to my residence with no realization of their nefarious intentions. Had it not been for the nimble wit of that last Sesame Snap wielding executioner it could have been possible I would have escaped my cruel fate, but alas death came for me as surely as the Chudley Cannons will finish bottom of this year's league.

Mary Wollstonecraft reports:

Today I set out on the Incobash, armed to the teeth and ready to stamp out the stain of incompetence on the reputation of the Guild. Many of our targets were out, no doubt ashamed of the incompetent status and determined to preserve their worthless lives, but eventually I found a room where my target's presence was ascertained by the sound of epic music from within. (It was totally epic by the way. It was some sort of opera. It may even have been Italian.) A sure sign of her incompetence Gertrud's door was unlocked, and I blasted her down with a single shot as she sat, unsuspecting at her desk. Even the presence of an accomplice failed to save her. Her corpse did, however, prove helpful in informing us on the location of a nearby incompetent, and we gave her a sesame snap, so I think everyone profited from the experience.

Umpire's Note: Mary Wollstonecraft killed Gerturd

Gilderoy Lockhart reports:

As the crackling sound faded away and the acrid smell weakened, the wizened old wizard looked around himself, dazed. 'Why, my good sir, who are you? Where am I? What is that hairy monstrosity doing lying dead on the floor over there?.

'Fear not,' said Gilderoy, putting away his wand and smiling. 'He will do you no more harm.' It was good to be back in business, and nice to see the memory charms were working again. He had enjoyed watching the wizard do battle with the Warg. That would indeed make for good writing material. Gilderoy started to consider in his mind which adjectives he would use to describe his mighty attack on the beast.

'As the creature snarled its mighty cry and leaped at Gilderoy, he swept his cloak around and confused the beast, before drawing his wand...'

Umpire's Note: Gilderoy Lockhart banished the Traitor Rodent

Gilderoy Lockhart reports:

Tiptoeing quietly forwards, the witch tentatively peeked around the corner. The room was still as a midnight pool in the woods, and filled to the brim with leafy bushes and shrubs. Somewhere in here lay what she sought. The mandragora gigantica, a precious treasure for those who understood its powers.

As she rounded another bunch of rainbow-coloured marigolds and skirted a snapping creeper, she spotted a wrinkled and weed-like protrusion from a plant pot in one of the darker corners. Here it was, the plant she was after. She made her way forwards, hesitantly, until she reached it. Putting magical earplugs in her ears and summoning her strength, she hefted the beast out of its protective mud.

Distantly, as if through treacle, she heard the wailing. Not enough to slay or even quite hurt her, but enough for her to feel its anguish and sorrow at being woken from its slumber. What she did not expect to hear was the crackling sound of a spell and to feel ev...ery...thing blur aw...ay... what was that again? Where? When? How? Who... 'Who are you?'

Mouthing across a silent void, she saw his lips move. He looked familiar, but she couldn't quite place him. A handsome sort, rather dashingly dressed. She wasn't sure, but he seemed to know what he was doing as he incapacitated the mandragora and carried it off, leading her by the arm. Well, he was smiling awfully kindly...

Umpire's Note: Gilderoy Lockhart killed The Bride

Sassassin reports:

Still high on the euphoria of my last kill, I decided to team up with some fellow Assassins and even a few members of the DA. A noble truce was made and we set off in search of some amateur Assassin's. We went through our hit list and made a few kills before arriving at the college of residence of my soon to be victim. One of our team had inside information that enabled the search to go very quickly. We infiltrated the staircase and passed someone on the way up, assuming them to be a mere innocent. It was only when we were safely out of earshot of said 'innocent' that our insider informed us that he was our target!

Not wanting the prey to get away, myself and a DA member gave chase through various courts of the college. Our target eventually came to a stop and I sneaked behind him, loaded my gun of choice and shot him point-blank. As we had a sense of honour, we respected his death by laying sesame snaps on the corpse.

Umpire's Note Sassassin Killed Jose Armando

[15:00 PM] Hagrid takes Anton Vowl,Isaac Lawton to the forbidden forest, and leaves his corpse to the beasts
Hagrid reports:

For the registry of Hogwarts - School of Withcraft and Wizardry:

Student Isaac Lawton has been shown off the premises for good, due to the policy of this school not to allow incompetent students to remain attending. Any further students who have shown themselves not competent or undesirable at this institution will be attended to in a similar manner.

Rubeus Hagrid

Keeper of Keys and Grounds

[15:00 PM] Don't Call me Nymphadora Tonks comments on the inco bash
Don't Call me Nymphadora Tonks reports:

Tonks reports: I lacked certain necessary qualities... like the ability to behave myself, so I hid behind the Griffindor Quidditch Trophy Cabinet in order to spring out and perform the Supersoakus Curse on that House's Star Chaser, Katie Wong. However, being a kindly Witch, I followed this up with the Biscuitamora Charm.

[16:40 PM] The Weaver finally ensnares a victim, killing Fred Weasley ( now revived)
The Weaver reports:

The Weaver has been busy today, oh so very busy! Knowing my friend to be a target for the umpire's hunting party, I went up to his room at 15:05 today, ready to assassinate his assassins, and finally complete a web of death! Alas, my evil web was too obvious, and no other assassins manifested themselves. The only appearance made was by a chap in a blue hoodie, who walked straight past, and into another staircase. I believe he may have been of malicious intentions, as where ever he was headed, he was not using the most direct route. No matter.

Determined to complete my web of death, I knew drastic action was required! At 16:40, I entered some accomodation, knowing a strand of the web of law, named Fred, lived there. Feeling safe in his room, knowing he was a cop, he had left the door unlocked! I snuck in with a Nerf Jolt, and one pull of the trigger later, it was over. My web of death finally complete. Fear for when I weave again! MWAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

The Weaver

[19:30 PM] the last dinner of Vanuatu,Vidur Kartikeya Mehta - known as Vid as he is stabbed to death by Michelle and Marietta sneak Edgecombe
Marietta sneak Edgecombe reports:

Revelry was taking place in Hogsmeade, as new initiates to our proud house were forced to drink much butterbeer in the establishment known as Curry Garden. As a responsible senior student, the safety of my college children was of course high on my list of priorities, but alas, when one revealed himself to be an assassin in course of conversation and displayed a weapon, a choice had to be made. Quickly converting a pipette - through which I had been responsibly drinking wine - into a lethal stabbing implement, myself and a fellow assassin, dressed as charles darwin and piere curie respectively, brutally stabbed our child to death, before getting him drunk as an apology.Such is parenthood.

[20:58 PM] Duchess slew the mighty The Basilisk(John Darlison),
Duchess reports:

As I stepped out of the shower, I heard a knock and a voice at my door. I wasn't expecting male visitors this evening so was tipped off to being in the danger zone. Loading my gun while calling out that I was getting dressed, I prepared to defend myself. It came as no surprise when I opened my door and a gun poked through the opening. What was surprising however, was the defunct click it produced. His gun had jammed, giving me the perfect opportunity to unload my own weapon into my would-be killer's torso. As he fell to the ground, I saw, in his other hand, his backup dagger and I realised how close I had been to meeting my end. Too close.

Duchess x

The Basilisk reports:

I was on the hunt for Duchess this evening. At her door I suspected the persuasions of my accomplice had not been convincing, and once I entered into the room my suspicions were confirmed. I moved swiftly around the door, but my primary weapon failed me, and by the time my knife struck her I had already been shot.

Sunday, 10 November

[00:15 AM] Best way to juice a tacticallemon? drop The Bass on it! Hope that clears things up Addison Shore
The Bass reports:

Under a hastily erected truce, Addison Shore and I attended an old friend's get together, both equally incompetent and therefore both slightly on edge. I kept my hand on my sidearm, ever vigilant for the minuscule twitch of muscle that preceded a barrage of Addison's throwing knives.

Suddenly, a heavy kick drum began punching out at my ears. I knew something was about to happen and as if answering my thoughts, a driving bassline starts as Addison stands up to leave. As he started to leave the door, the rising tones and rushing snare roll of the buildup confirmed for me that I was now totally committed to wiping him from the surface of the planet. As he walked down the driveway, the intensity increased, snares rolling faster and faster, and I became totally calm. I knew exactly what I had to do.

I dropped the bass.

Addison died

[12:30 PM] Rufus Scrimgeour tracks down the werewolf, Wolffang who hides among the populace as Alex Burgess
Rufus Scrimgeour reports:

Activity report

Date and time: 10/11/2013 at 12:30

Operatives: Rufus Scrimgeour

Mission:Capture or kill Wolffang, for being an unregistered werewolf.

Status: Success:

Casualties: Wolffang was mauled by a rabbit, but will survive to the trial

Detailed Report: Although usually a job for the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures, it was believed that this individual was too dangerous, and required the intervention of an auror. As the individual in question lived in the hills near my own dwelling, it was easy to track him down. It was then a simple matter of transfiguring a nearby rock into a rabbit, which mauled him before I called it off. The Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures's request for an auror was inappropriate, and a waste of Ministry ressources.


[13:30 PM] GLaDOS Ices Carlo Lori!
GLaDOS reports:

Carlo Lori, you failed to survive the test. You died proving some science correct though. Those in the control group without portal guns find testing significantly harder!

[14:00 PM] Mini Inco bash Mk 2 Laser,Michelle,Marietta sneak Edgecombe,[P4,Blazer go a hunting
Marietta sneak Edgecombe reports:

Report 1 2.40 pm

Myself, Blazer, The Hooligan and Michelle went inco bashing today. We started off by tracking down an emmanuel fresher (George Vare). Gaining his trust with our common college affiliation, we persuaded our target to open his door before Blazer put a bullet in his chest. RIP.

Report 2 roughly 3.20-3.50 pm

Infiltrating queens college, myself, Blazer, The Hooligan and Michelle made our way to our target's room. Mistaking the floor we were on, we alerted our target, who saw us coming and locked himself into his kitchen. This personal room of requirement proved our undoing, as our target was amply equipped with food and water. A few shots were traded as our target attempted to break out, with Blazer sustaining a minor wound to the leg. As we settled into a half hour long siege, it soon became apparent that our target was something of a local mafioso: our attempts to bribe a kitchen key out of neighbors were foiled by the abject terror with which they viewed him. Demoralized by the fact that our target was visibly eating twix and delicious looking sherpards pie, we retreated to look for easier pickings.

Report 3 4.00 pm

Demoralized by many empty rooms and a narrow run in with another group of assassins on the streets of Cambridge, it was with rapidly fading hope that we entered yet another Cambridge college. Luckily, our target, Alfred Wallace, was in and further proved his incompetence by opening his door at just a knock. Not sure if Michelle's initial shot had met its mark, we opted to empty our entire arsenal into our target, who did us justice with a suitably epic death.

[14:25 PM] What happens when you mix Harry Potter and Cluedo? Prefect Ron Weasley kills Colonel Custard (Sam Garratt) in the bedroom with the revolver.
Prefect Ron Weasley reports:

We were let in by a kindly stranger carrying washing and I stormed his room (left open) which turned out to be empty, while Duke knocked next door where he heard noises. Falling back, we ducked into Mr Garratt's room just in time to avoid the kindly stranger (now no longer with washing) rushing us with a labelled ruler. Duke closed his own door on him in time, then tried to fire on him, cue some elegant dodging from Mr Garratt and a counter-attack on Duke who was trying to stay out of ruler-range behind the door. As he pushed the door open trying to reach round, Garratt ended up framed in the doorway and I sent six rubber-bands his way hitting squarely with most if not all, resulting in an excellently feigned death.

After a minute or two of sieging the room next door (much to the confusion of a civilian neighbour), Mr Nagel emerged with a banana and was hit by both Duke and I as stepped out to bang-kill with the banana. It seems the rules on that are still not understood among the freshers.

Chocolate, commiserations and police employment were offered. Sam Garratt in particular did very well - if they had ranged weapons too, this could well have ended badly for us despite Duke's experience. Definite candidates for equipping and training.

Your entirely loyal and trustworthy guild policeman, Officer R. Weasley

[14:30 PM] G man makes a second kill and takes out the lordoflard,Marcus Hatton
G man reports:

Whether in-or out. Prepare for unforseen consequences. I am com-ing.

[14:30 PM] Gilderoy Lockhart blew away Baron Bagel and had Smoked Salmon for dinner afterwards. RIP Samantha Morrow - known as Sam and Thomas Nagel
Gilderoy Lockhart reports:

He couldn't believe Dumbledore had tasked him with this, of all chores. Taking a bumbling buffoon like Ron Weasley on a mission to eliminate a couple of residual Death Eaters? Surely he didn't honestly believe the boy would be safe, even with an experienced and hardened wizard like him... Oh, well, if all else failed, the lad would make a good shield. And there were always Memory Charms if push came to shove. The poor boy, his mind wiped clean by those foul Death Eaters...

As they entered the communal residence, squallid as it was, where the Death Eaters were hiding out, he couldn't help but notice how *green* the boy was. Well, ginger, but... he didn't even have his wand out, for Ravenclaw's sake. Sighing, he trotted in after the enthusiastic lad, who was chattering away.

It was only when the boy ran into the communal area that he started to become alarmed, and rushed for his wand. Drawing it, he realised the air around him was crackling and pulsing as spells filled the hallways. Ducking for cover, Gilderoy started firing blindly, as door after door burst open and assailants fired from hidden dark rooms.

He was surprised to see Ron hit one attacker square in the chest with a stunning spell, and rushed over to examine the limp body. As he looked into the eyes of the fallen Death Eater, another appeared in a doorway and started muttering 'Avada Ked-', but Gilderoy's own disarming spell struck first, followed by a paralysis charm. Ron bounded over enthusiastically as Gilderoy swept his brow, clammy with sweat. It was a relief to walk out unscathed, with the two dark wizards trussed and off to Azkaban.


As he crept into the witch's sleeping quarters, he noticed she was smiling at a moving picture of her family. How tragic. How sad. It didn't stop him from firing off the Memory Charm. After all, it wasn't every day he encountered a witch who had taken down the Cockatrice of Nandoland. That was one to write about...

[16:30 PM] Smooze,Alfred Wallace - known as Alfie is the next of Michelle's victims
Michelle reports:

the incompetent fresher Alfred Wallace was killed by me with a nerf jolt as soon as he opened his door to us.

[18:00 PM] Blazer kills the BFG! Poor George Vare was crushed as he fell!

[18:00 PM] Rivalry amongst the upper classes: the Duchess assassinates her rival Robin Van Persie
Duchess reports:

Imagine my surprise when, perusing the list of those shaming their college with their inadequacies, I stumble upon the name of someone from my own agency! This embarrassment could not be tolerated at ISIS and I sought to remove this blot on our reputation.

I bunkered down in an accomplices room opposite and waited for him to come out of his room. He did, but not alone. Fortunately, my accomplice was able to delay him while he waved his friends on ahead. As he turned to leave, I got the signal and stepped into the corridor. A double tap straight between the shoulder blades and the only stain on our college is a bloody one on the carpet, not on our reputation.

Duchess x

[19:00 PM] Radical Edward breaks a GiraffeCracker while taking tea with Mary Dai
Radical Edward reports:

Lesson! An open door is there to be walked through! Although the target was surrounded by friends, bounty acquired.

[19:00 PM] Spiderman kills Luna Lovegood - it seems being afraid of spiders may actually keep you alive...

Monday, 11 November

[00:00 AM] Lightsabers at Midnight, Mary Wollstonecraft kills Rahiden,Aiden Chan .
Mary Wollstonecraft reports:

I was quite unprepared to hear behind me, while alone in the Fez queue, the sound of my target, the hideous criminal Aidan Chan. I turned to confirm his identity, he acknowledged my presence. I could find no weapon on my person, and neither of us wanted to leave our place in the queue. I called two assassins I knew to be in the area, but neither could come to my aid. Aidan revealed to me his wish to die, the guilt of his actions and the fear of his impending doom having proved too much for him. A final search through my bag revealed my trusty lightsaber, with which I put the criminal out of his misery.

Rahiden reports:

There I was, standing in the Fez queue at 12:10am, when a figure on my right overheard me introducing myself to someone else. Once they'd confirmed my identity, my assailant realised that they had come blissfully unarmed. Thinking that I would live to see another day, I happily joined in the attempts to summon fellow assassins, all of whom failed to make an appearance. In a moment of inspiration my assailant reached into their bag and retrieved a light saber glowstick; at this point I knew that there was nothing I could do, as I was surrounded on all sides and I had foolishly left my weapons back at college. With an illuminating snap and a violent swing of the arm, the flash of the glowstick was the last light I saw before I went down.

[09:00 AM] Wanted Man down. Lord Earldom Vomit kills the Laser wielding Lord Earldom Vomit!
Lord Earldom Vomit reports:

At last, my first kill, and what I had only read about in whispers and dark books has come to pass. 5 more times shall blood run in pavements.

Emma Mafia beware.

Laser reports:

It was inevitable that once I became wanted, surviving lectures would be next to impossible, a notion proved all too right by my assailant who boxed me in against a row of parked cars and stabbed me with a knife to the heart. I must commend the courage and determinaton of the assassins, as during my 4 hours in department, I had no less than 3 attempts on my life - sadly for the second two I was already a dead man.

Many Thanks for everything

[10:55 AM] Dr Zeus hunts down Essex's Evanescor Jonathan Michael Foonlan Tsang - known as Jonny
Dr Zeus reports:

I knew Jonny had become incompetent. He knew I knew he had become incompetent. I knew he knew I knew he had become incompetent. So I knew I had to act quickly and launch a surprise attack, not allowing him to see me until it was already too late. I concealed myself behind a pillar outside his lecture room and waited for him to emerge before leaping out and stabbing him in the chest with a knife.

[12:30 PM] Marietta sneak Edgecombe takes out Dead Nursings,Eleanor Susan Redding Leydon.
Marietta sneak Edgecombe reports:

Imagine my horror two days ago when, over a breakfast of tea and scones at the club, I discovered that Emmanuel college harbored no less than three incompetent assassins, one of which was from my old school! I mean dash it all. Summoning Jeeves and trying to remember the words to the old school song, I set forth to erase this stain on Emmanuel's honor. Having presided over the execution of the first two incompetents the day before, I looked up from a second serving of crumpets at hall today and spotted my old school chum. "What ho" I said, before plunging my ancestral shiv into her back. Pip pip.

[18:30 PM] Assassins Tweed,Tim Pearson is hunted down by Remus Lupin but takes his assailant to the grave with him
Remus Lupin reports:

At approximately half past 6 today, following a short chase the incompetent Tim Pearson was shot with a nerf gun by myself Remus Lupin. However as he was shot he stabbed me with a small knife .

[18:30 PM] Spiderman stabs The Bass,Sam Twist to death over dinner!

[18:45 PM] Gilderoy Lockhart kills Stripe-hat-killer,Jack Lawrence. Or so he claims...
Gilderoy Lockhart reports:

Another day another Mind Charm. St Mungo's would soon be teeming with them! This chap put up surprisingly little resistance for someone who had survived close encounters with the wild giant folk...

[19:30 PM] Ironicall Gilderoy Lockhart kills The deceiver,Freddy Mills or is it all smoke and mirrors?
The Duke reports:

Rarely before have I been greeted at a door with the line 'I have no idea who you are, but you seem trustworthy so I'll let you in.' Sadly for my victim - who, incidentally, was wearing a fetching Slytherin hoodie - trustworthy was not an appropriate word for me at that moment in time.

[20:00 PM] Charlie Weasley returns from his hunting trip with The Stingray as a trophy (Joseph Nelson died)

[21:15 PM] Prefect Ron Weasley proves he's not as incompetent as JK portrays him by killing Daud,Robert Seaton
Prefect Ron Weasley reports:

The target was working and left his door unlocked. Open and shut case. Or rather and 'open and shot' case.

Daud reports:

Daud's Log, Day 11, Month of Winds

I haven't been sleeping ever since that job. Every time I close my eyes I see her face at the moment when I shoved the knife into her and kidnapped her daughter. I hope the Lord Regent is happy with the outcome, because I'm not. I've killed many people over the years-some of them were almost certainly good people, yet I've never experienced regret over any of them. The Outsider mocks me in my waking dreams, reminding me of my guilt. Yet he also gave me something else-a name.


I won't deny that this mystery didn't intrigue me. I sent my Whalers out to hunt for leads, information, anything. I was obsessed, certain in my view that none would dare venture into the plague infested Flooded District and risk infection or death at the hands of the Weepers. No-one was left to guard the base.

I was lost in regret-this new purpose still hadn't washed away the guilt I felt-when I heard the door opening. Realising I had been a fool to neglect my security, I saw two pistol-wielding assassins behind the door. With my weapons too far away to easily reach, I called upon the arcane gifts that the Outsider had bestowed upon me, intending to stop the passage of time in order to avoid the shots and arm myself.

The familiar surge of power failed to materialise. All too late, I registered the sickening grinding sound of an Overseer's anti-magic device as the first assassin shot into my body. With that level of preparation, it seems that the Lord Regent had decided to tidy up loose ends. Eliminating me not only ensured that I could never turn against him and reveal the truth of what had happened that day, it also meant he could parade the corpse of the man termed 'The Knife of Dunwall' through the streets. I guess this is judgement for my crimes, and for how I lived my life.

[21:30 PM] The being know as L, Michael Lin - known as Mike brought down by Ashrak and Cornelius Fudge
Cornelius Fudge reports:

In pursuit of law and order, me, the Minister for Magic, together with my wizarding accomplice, went after noted incompetent and improper user of magic Michael Lin. In flawless style, we both pre-emptively cast spells on him as soon as he opened the door. He is now safe in Azkaban, where the Dementors will take care of him. Proper magicians can now rejoice in the increased safety of the wizarding community.

[22:00 PM] Prefect Ron Weasley tracks down and eliminates dark wizards Ad Hominem and Daud (Leo Cairns and Robert Seaton)
Prefect Ron Weasley reports:

Leo Cairns is apparently suspected of being involved with the Emma mafia, but seemed an emma-nently (sorry) nice chap and took his elimination well - apparently when we visited his room on the bash on Saturday, he had left a few seconds earlier and passed us on the stairs, recognised us for what we were and kept walking...

Mr. Seaton was working and left his door unlocked. Open and shut case. Or rather and 'open and shot' case.

As for Leo, his room was open, so we went in, found it empty and prepared an ambush. I went to scout the corridor and heard someone on the phone in the kitchen. I waited, not wanting to disrupt his phone call, returned to brief Gilderoy who was room lurking, and ran into Leo as I left to resume position (thankfully with band-guns drawn. He looked startled that someone was coming out of his room, twigged what was happening, thought about running, and realised he didn't have the time just as I emptied two full RBGs at short range. The lesson he learned: beware of being parted from your NERF-gun. The lesson I learned: RBG dual wielding is fun!

The highlight of this evening's hunt was Gilderoy trying the door to Selwyn gardens accommodation block, finding it locked, and a guy who was walking along the corridor inside, stopping and pushing the door open, saying "I've no idea who you people are, but I'm sure you're entirely trustworthy so come on in."

Tuesday, 12 November

[11:00 AM] A fine hunting day all round, freddy c brings back a souvenir Koala for Tony Zhou
freddy c reports:

"but h-how did you know it was me?" -Tony Zhou (incompetent) (bleeding out)

These words are consistent with a person who believes you become invisible by changing your facebook location to (guess where!). But nevermind, even if O-----, never gave him lessons; if itâ??s of any use to him to pass as their pupil, then let him be. Let him remain one!

The execution was carried out with a single rubber band, but an account of the shot itself is only as descriptive of the process of hunting, as the final note is an account of a sonata. Further, that account is only a ghost in comparison to the experience.

Nevertheless, for the sake of pedagogy, a brief recount. First of all, his face and friends must be embedded into not only your mind, but the flesh of your arms, and the nerves of the hand and trigger finger. Then, the pursuit itself must be carried out with utmost patience. Opportunity or inspiration may come in hours, minutes, or not at all. Finally, achieve your goal in the most direct of means, with no unnecessary ornaments.


[13:05 PM] Marietta sneak Edgecombe slays mighty Mushu
Marietta sneak Edgecombe reports:

We of the Emma mafia mourn for our dear friend Laser, stabbed to death by a mathmo outside his own lectures. There was only one thing to do: return the favor. Though I could not find the cunning assassin who had declared war against us, I found a suitable replacement, tracking down and stabbing to death the incompetent mathmo Matt Brookes outside my own lecture theater. I sent his body back to maths lectures to spread the message:

Take on Emma at your peril.

[14:00 PM] Radical Edward continues his radical streak killing The Friar , Laura Tuck!
Radical Edward reports:

Lesson! When at first you fail, attempt murder with something else! A shot at the target flew harmlessly into a wall, but as she hurried for cover I resorted to my crude, inelegant and very effective blade. Bounty acquired.

[14:18 PM] Weed Ramen makes an attempt!
Weed Ramen reports:

I lurked to my targets residence. Blast, it was a flat-style house that required a buzzer to get in. I buzzed the name of somebody who wasn't my target. Luckily, I managed to convince him that I knew him so he let me in. I made my way upstairs where the person who let me in greeted me, slightly perplexed. I told him I must've buzzed the wrong door then and for him not to worry about as we walked up the stairs.

Just then I sighted my target who had come out to see who had arrived. I pulled out my trusty gun and fired. Bloody missed. He quickly stepped back inside his room and locked the door. No amount of coercion could get him to come out again. I even tried to convince him I was a humanities student so I had potentially all the time in the world to wait outside and he may as well come out to hasten his eventual demise. Sadly he didn't buy it and refused. I was forced to retreat. Until next time then.

Please don't make me incompetent. This is my last day to make an attempt and though I have a gentlemen's agreement with my friend (a fellow assassin) that we shall not kill each other, I am 99% sure he would stab me in the back should he find out I become incompetent.

[14:30 PM] Gunther Gundrop kills Cinderella and a very late report...
Gunther Gundrop reports:

Acme Computer

64K Ram System


Detective at keyboard, please identify yourself

Gunther Gumdrop

What is your sex:


Enter your security code:

Headquarters, 2.30pm


National treasure has been stolen from the Assassins.

The treasure has been identified as "competence".

Male suspect reported at the scene of the crime.

Your assignment: Track the thief from Clare College and apprehend him!

You must apprehend the thief by Saturday, 2.30pm.

Good luck, Detective Gumdrop.


Name: Cinderella


No more information about the target has been given to you by the Umpire, even though it was requested.


Gunter Gumdrop would like to report that the criminal known only as Cinderella has been apprehended. I allied with a bunch of unsavoury ne'er-do-wells with unearthly weapons who referred to each other as Wizards, seemingly led by a shadowy figure called Dumbledore, who seems to have a penchant for robes. They came in handy in this mission, as one of them, named Rufus Scrimgeour, assisted me with Cinderella's termination. However, I will be keeping tabs on this cultish group for later analysis.

Gunter Gumdrop would like to apologise to the chief of police for the lateness of his report, but, as he may be aware, Acme Computers are playing up again.

[17:30 PM] Rufus Scrimgeour hunts down the dreaded Shadow Panther,Jordan Mitchell
Rufus Scrimgeour reports:

Activity report

Date and time: 12/11/2013 at 17:30

Operatives: Rufus Scrimgeour

Mission:Eliminate a Nundu called "Shadow Panther"

Status: Success

Casualties:A muggle had to have a memory charm cast on him.

Detailed Report: Yet again, the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures requested my help. It appeared that a foolish Wizard by the name of Jordan Mitchell had kept a nundu (which he had, inaccurately I might add, named "Shadow Panther") but had lost control of it. I discovered the beast still in the wizard's house, where I realised that this was but a cub, and of no real threat to anyone. It was playing with a muggle (who seemed to be under the impression that it was some kind of overgrown cat). I cast a hex of my own invention (Cochlear Vinclum) which proved to be particularly effective at dealing with it. I then let the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures deal with the clean-up. They ought to know that the purpose of the Auror Office is to capture or kill the most dangeous elements of society, not to find lost kittens. I strongly suggest that the Ministry invests in duelling classes for members of the Magical Creature Removal Squad so that they might have the necessary experience to undertake the more dangerous missions.


[21:00 PM] Siege of Blantyre, Michelle)Charlie Farmer),Marietta sneak Edgecombe(N5]) killed by Hagrid who in turn fell to The Hooligan who was wounded by Gilderoy Lockhart.
Marietta sneak Edgecombe reports:

It is with deep regret that I must report my death. Dolores Umbridge had cunningly persuaded me to go rogue, betraying the headmaster and my friends in the DA. But, branded as a "SNEAK" for all to see on the hogwarts website, it was not to last. Roused by the warning cries of my friends too late, and tripping over a stray cat (curses professor McGonagall!), I was slain by the water-shooting pink umbrella of our own Groundskeeper, Rubeus Hagrid. My friends in the ministry avenged my death, but the Emma mafia is now left another man short...

Gilderoy Lockhart reports:

I wonder if Memory Charms will work on the big, hairy fella? *tries* Nope, he still remembers his accomplishments. Interesting. Well, he'll get to take credit for them I guess...

Prefect Ron Weasley reports:

Gilderoy, I, Hagrid and two players whose names have slipped my mind (damn you Lockhart - you'll have to read them in his report), approached Blantyre House, Gilderoy a good way ahead and slipping in past a departing resident. As we moved to catch up, we realised it was Charlie Farmer leaving with his girlfrind. Hagrid called his name as he approached him, drew a NERF-gun and shot him.

After a long stakeout, Hagrid saw a chance to enter the house as some non-player residents were leaving. As he entered, these civilians attempted to warn the occupants. Gilderoy and I remained outside, expecting a counter-attack and unclear as to what had happened inside.

I am told that Hagrid eliminated Fielding in a corridor but was in turn eliminated. Gilderoy apparently got a chance to shoot with water through a window at Halligan, but only hit his legs.

Fielding came out shortly after, to confirm his elimination and to corroborate Gilderoy's account of only injuring his target, who he confirmed was not able to move in the immediate future (but who was not targetable given that his associates had closed the window and were guarding the door).

Gilderoy and I chatted amiably with the ghost of Fielding while the ghost of Hagrid did so with the others inside. After about five or ten minutes of stand-off Gilderoy and I fell back as we couldn't gain access to the alert household without inconvenience to the civilian population and we were at risk of ambush while waiting.

Fielding and Hagrid are to be commended on staying firmly within the rules on not confering advantage to their respective sides but ensuring that opponents knew who was out of the game while remaining sociable.

This constitutes the true and complete statement of Officer R. Weasley, who is definitely not considering going over to the dark side and caus...what's that? A shiny new badge you say? Hmmm.

Umpire's Note: Congratulations Mr Weasley, you have been promoted to the rank of prefect

This constitutes the true and complete statement of Prefect R. Weasley, who is absolutely loyal for at least a couple of weeks now, maybe even three at a push. What's your offer for bringing you Voldermort's head?

Biscuits. Always Biscuits :)

The Hooligan reports:

I come bearing grave news. Blantyre has been assaulted by a group of assassins, and Marietta Edgecombe has fallen, but one of our assailants has also been defeated.

The battle began around 9:10. I was sat in the common room when an attacker burst through a door as housemates opened it, storming the house with a water gun. Marietta found himself soaked but my paranoia paid off as I gunned the enemy down with the rather large Nerf gun I'd been keeping with me.

About 10 minutes later, while chatting with the now dead assassin (who was rather friendly for a corpse), another attacker unloaded a rubber band gun through an open window, hitting both my legs and rendering me unable to walk. I commando crawled to safety (making a bit of a mess as I did so) and began a vigil over the door. I saw multiple assassins through the glass, but thankfully none of them where able to breach our defenses . After what felt like an eternity my legs recovered and I made my escape to my room, locking the door behind me. I'm safe now. I think.

Hagrid reports:

For the registry of Hogwarts - School of Withcraft and Wizardry:

Students Charlie Farmer and James Fielding has been shown off the premises for good, due to the policy of this school that no show of blatent arrogance is to be tolerate. The staff of this school as well as the might of the Ministry will keep coming down on these students with the greatest of resolves.

Rubeus Hagrid

Keeper of Keys and Grounds

Umpire's Note: Congratulation Hagrid on your promotion to the post of teacher of care of magical creatures.Yours, Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster

Michelle reports:

Sorry this has taken so long! I've been very busy queueing at the gates of heaven But alas! I have been slain! On Tuesday evening at ~8.15 as I was leaving Blantyre house for an anniversary dinner (looking very sharp, may I add) I was assaulted by 5 police members who happened to be trying to gain access to our fortress at the time. I heroically took a few nerf darts to the back and now I am dead. RIP me.

[22:10 PM] Radical Edward really is radical, and kills Cecil Baldwin,(Emily Room)
Cecil Baldwin reports:

Look up, behold the night sky above you. The endless black abyss of space stares back. If you wait long enough, you might see it blink. Welcome to Night Vale.

It's coming up to Science Week at Night Vale Elementary School, and the school board's President - the ethereal and only slightly menacing Glow Cloud - has issued a statement that no -


Ahem, that no -


Excuse me, dear listeners, it appears that our most recent intern - Radical Edward - has returned from wandering around the station. They are a little bloodstained, but as this is normal for our interns here at Night Vale Community Radio, it is nothing to be concerned about. Although, I will admit that the manic grin, the dripping knife and the slow pacing towards me are a little unusual, I can only assume that this means they found the archives... Radical Edward, why are you holding the knife against my neck?

*low chanting in background*

Listeners, there appears to be purple smoke billowing out from around my chair. Radical Edward, please put the knife dow-



*maniacal laughter and unintelligible snarling*


Wednesday, 13 November

[16:30 PM] The dead child (Augustin Zidek) killed? how on earth is that possible, I ask Tarquinius Superbus
Tarquinius Superbus reports:

A dreadful journey of a lone wanderer was abruptly brought to an end by a violent crime. Rest in peace.

[19:00 PM] Rorschach spends too much time staring at Ink Blotts to make a kill.
Rorschach reports:

Rorschach's Journal, 13th November 2013. I quit the lecture early - wasn't worth sitting down listening to somebody deliver the notes they had written in verbal form when I could be spreading righteousness. Cycled to alley - the narrow streets. Stray Bicycles stealing down the cobbled roads. Here was where I was going to lay siege to my target. Waited an hour. Target was a no show. Ran out of supplies. I'll bring more next time. Rorschach Out.

[19:15 PM] Gilderoy Lockhart tracks down the rogue witch Ellen Williams,Kate Blackshaw
Gilderoy Lockhart reports:

What a charming, sweet young lady. Shame he had to wipe her mind, she clearly was a big fan, and had all of his books on her bookshelf. Still, she had only managed to survive that encounter with a troll by luck, not real talent, like he had...

[19:30 PM] Luna Lovegood kills the Banana Marley, (Amy Livingstone)

Thursday, 14 November

[13:10 PM] No Messing with the new Prof. throwing out The Hooligan for misdeed already

[18:58 PM] Cornelius Fudge hunts down a Pterodactyl, I thought they were already extinct say Rachael Gregory!

[21:30 PM] Pulvinar pulverises Lord Earldom Vomit into unconsciousness, but fails to finish the job!

Friday, 15 November

[00:00 AM] Radical Edward kills non-radical, just plain Bob and Thurkka Rajeswaran.
Radical Edward reports:

Voices. Voices from outside Ed's abode. Voices including one, Ed recalls, whose owner has been known to associate with that assassin known as Thurkka, who now has such a tempting bounty on her head...

Take-a-look-time! Bring weapons. Ed always brings weapons.

One shot. Bounty acquired.

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