The Assassins' Guild - Week 1 News

After tracking my target to her lectures, I lay in wait. As she left the Babbage unaware of her imminent demise, I joined the crowd in plain sight. Choosing my moment to strike, I injected her with a fatal dose of cyanide - a swift and painful end.

At 14.20pm on the 31st of december, the Hassassin claimed his first victim. I walked among the people of Robinson to see what I could learn about this fabled character, Anil Manji. One justice-seeking individual led me to the miscreant's room. On knocking on the door, he peeped round it, not dressed. Not enough time to get out my weapon before he would close the door. Luckily, he let slip he was going out for a run, so I departed and waited for him. When he emerged, I called his name, but he was prepared. Fortunately, I had prepared better. I had taken note of the wind, and so kept at a distance. When he spiralled round and threw his grenade, it was blown off target, leaving me free to come in close, stab him with my melee weapon, and send him from this world with some kind words. That's all folks.

After my failed attempts to track down and eliminate my enemies prior, I returned to my lair and concocted several more diabolical plots. Contacting several Sith collaborators who might have information and consulting the Galactic Network, I aquired better intel. I then meditated using the Dark Side of the Force and concluded the best time to kill my targets would be at their training academies when they were most vulnerable. Thus, at crack of dawn, I set out to the star system where I knew Jasper Lee would be studying the black arts of technology, no doubt the reason why his abode was so well protected by electronic security measures. Sneaking in inconspicously, I spied Jasper drinking stimulants to prepare for the day ahead, oblivious to his impending doom. Concealing my murderous intent with the Force, I casually strode towards him. As my trusty lightsaber was recharging in my lair and my blaster was concealed too far away to draw swiftly, I reached for a Sith vibro-knife hidden in my robes. At the last moment, I called his name, and as he turned in response, a look of bewilderment on his face, I plunged the blade into his heart. In his dying words, he explained that he was relieved by his fate, as the paranoia of being hunted was driving him crazy. Feeling satisfied, I proceeded to the Jedi temple where my next target, a fledgling padawan, Dylan Musson, was studying. Weak as he currently was, I would not allow him to become a threat to me in the future! Stealthily entering the complex, I tracked down the room in which he was training in Jedi arts. As he walked out, I followed close behind. Once again, I called out to him, even as my blade arced toward his neck. As we locked eyes, I severed his spine, ending the pathetic padawan's life. Before any overzealous Jedi nearby took notice, I melted back into the shadows and retreated, my task complete. Let this be a warning to all my foes. Do not underestimate the power of the Dark Side! Peace is a lie, there is only passion. Through passion, I gain strength. Through strength, I gain power. Through power, I gain victory. Through victory, my chains are broken. The Force shall free me.

This fine afternoon at 1500 I came across one of my targets, Cruella de Vil AKA Hunter of fur & bounty & treasure & humans alike, who happened to be living in my college. She was walking her back towards me so I quickly pulled out my gun from my bag and shot her in the back with lethal precision.

In the early hours of the morning I, Ardipithecus Ramidus, struck the unsuspecting Slot Machine, having first confirmed her identity, with a carefully knapped cardboard hand axe. The result was tragic and although I was not forgiven (sorry!!) with her dying breath she bid me well in my future as an assassin so that her life had not been lost in vain. Farewell.

============================================= INTERNAL E-MAIL: FOR UMBRELLA CORP. EYES ONLY ============================================= RE: Test of new Z-Virus It seems that the T-Virus has failed. The slight inconvenience that I saw at the hands of the Tyrant allowed me to inject myself with an experimental drug and increase my research speed tenfold. Now after years of study, it is time to release the new zombifying virus - the Z-Virus. As this is still a test and I do not want to release this pathogen into the atmosphere without testing whether the zombies will be loyal to me, I am restricting myself to isolated trials. Method of delivery is through a modified dart gun that, when fired, injects the victim with a directed, carefully weighted dose of the Z-Virus. Needless to say, it is very painful. So that is why I am testing it on those that have...shall we say...interesting qualities - I need to make sure that there is no exception to my total dominance. My first target should have been a simple one. A criminal, by the name of Robin Elliott, who masqueraded as a builder but was in fact a seasoned killer, along with his rather hapless roommates. I visited the test site at around 3.30. Gaining access to his chambers was simplicity, but with my eagerness to test my new drug, I slipped up and could not think of a reason for him to permit me to enter. One of his assistants appeared and, not wanting to waste my ammunition on anyone beside the test subject, I holstered my weapon and fled. However, in his haste to celebrate surviving my attack, I heard him start conversing with his fellow roommates. Like my zombies, I returned. I circled the block once and then charged into the now-open room. After shrugging off a tackle by one of his enforcers, I shot the scoundrel straight in the heart. The transformation was....beautiful. ===================== END OF INTERNAL EMAIL =====================

Today, on my way to my lecture, I passed someone dressed up in a Pikachu suit, with a sign saying "Pikachu" on the back. As I passed them, I realised that the sign in fact said "Killer Pikachu", and cowered, ready to run for my life. When it becamse apparent that this would-be assassin was not looking for me, I swiftly drew my knife and stabbed them, ending the career of a promising assassin...

Together with an accomplice, I set out today to UNSPECIFIED LOCATION, at 11.30 this morning, in search of Foxtail. Since she had declined to give a more precise address, we were forced to search every staircase in the hope of locating her room, but a long period of searching produced no sign of her. We retreated, thoroughly frustrated, and still hungry for blood. The umpire notes: any remaining players who have not given room numbers and staircases, please email them in to me or I will get cross!

ARK ARK ARK! *strange flapping motion* Translation: The Trollrus wishes to convey his distress at being slightly stabbed in the computer room of [DEPARTMENT REDACTED] at around 13.17 this afternoon. He claims he was just innocently flolloping around and was starting to drag his brightly-coloured self out when a rather strange gentleman with unusual facial hair and wielding six pointed throwing stars and a knife leapt out and stabbed him. The Trollrus also wishes to convey his gratitude that the magical forcefield of computers protected him. That and his eye-wateringly colourful and incredibly tough skin.

Report: On the evening of 01/02 at about 6:00pm (Galactic Standard Calendar), I was preparing to attend a meeting of fellow allies and celebrate our victories, when I heard a visitor at the intercom to my chambers. She claimed to be a reporter from the Coruscant Tab, a singularly feeble journalistic establishment, looking to interview me. Interview a Sith Lord!? Hah! Clearly, this was a bounty hunter after my own life! Having just showered, and being insufficiently attired, I called out to her that I needed a moment. I swiftly dressed in the nearest robes, seized my weapons and exited through a secret passage, coming up behind her. Using the Force, I made a nearby inhabitant scout out the location of the bounty hunter and swung around a column, shooting her with my blaster. Even as I rejoiced and dropped my guard, I realised I had only incapacitated her arm. The bounty hunter proved skilled and dodged behind cover and we exchanged blaster fire, neither of us scoring hits. She fired too many rounds and realising her ammo was nearly gone, charged at me. My own shot missed and as she rounded the corner, her blaster jammed, giving me time to throw my ball of compressed antimatter at her body, fatally wounding her. This time, I took no chances, firing several following shots from my blaster into her body to ensure the kill. As she lay there dying, I conversed with her, learning her name, Catherine de Medici, and that she was a seasoned bounty hunter. Congratulating her on a good attempt, I watched her leave this mortal coil. A truly worthy opponent!

I'd like to report the disappointing (and very cold) evening I have spent attempting to kill Tungsten. After finally gaining access to his block of flats, my trusty accomplices and I waited for ages before realising he wasn't even in. What an anticlimax.

Hi Umpire, yesterday my accomplice and I infiltrated (UNSPECIFIED COLLEGE) then (UNSPECIFIED POSSIBLY DISTINCT COLLEGE) in the attempt for a double kill. waiting just around the corner of their doorways with my weapon drawn, my accomplice knocked and waited. but twice we were thwarted by either smart assassins refusing to open their doors or the fact that it was lunchtime. we wont make the same mistake next time.

Today I attempted to take the life of Raging Manatee. While I hid patiently for my prey to leave, I overheard some discussion and realised I had been detected, and promptly fled. My knife still yearns for the blood of Raging Manatee.

From17:20 to 17:50, Cereleste and their army of killer plague rats attempted twice to gain entry to Mr Gumby's room, failing both times as he wouldn't open his door at first, and when an unuspecting friend opened the door, he closed it too quickly for the rats to scurry in and attack him.

Booster thruster engaged. Not particularly useful.

Today I went to the house of AugustinIsADeadChildWalking. Sadly, he did not fall for my cunning ruse of impersonating a surveyer and appeared shortly on a first-floor balcony, whereupon I threw a dagger *pen* at him which, unfortunately, missed. Undoubtedly he and I will cross paths again.

ARK ARK ARK *enthusiastic flapping of flippers* Translation: The Trollrus is delighted to inform you that the criminal known only as The Ninjew Matzo is no more. The Trollrus says that he was aware that this criminal mastermind was going to be present at the same society meeting as he and so, at around 1.10pm set his trap, lurking behind a parked car. Sure enough [Nye's pseudo] appeared and The Trollrus lunged in the manner typical of brightly coloured walruses and attacked. The attack was successful.

As a list of incompetents and non-mission effective personnel was made public, it was deemed critical to close any potential security leaks and terminate those on the list with extreme prejudice. One of those on the list, solo halo, was swiftly detected and apprehended while he was at the mess hall of mission HQ. Needless to say, his contract has been terminated. Another security threat, HAL OGEN, was found escaping from the same mess hall and though he was identified and targeted, he fled, presumably into a hidden corner of headquarters. Security at the site has been tightened and it is only a matter of time until he is captured and appropriately dealt with. Summary: Mission type: counter-intelligence Outcome: partial success, 1 target eliminated Recommendations: Continue search for other security threats

At 14:20 I tracked down the lair of The Soup Dragon (with the help of some directions from a friendly bedder) in (UNSPECIFIED COLLEGE). Listening at the door, there didn't appear to anyone in, so I knocked on the door just in case. Hearing someone trying to creep quietly to the door, I realised that my target was prepared - I legged it as she started to open the door. I'll be back...

After my earlier cowardice, I decided to try my other two targets. After an arduous journey to the farthest reaches of Cambridge, I easily tracked down the abode of my 2nd target in (UNSPECIFIED COLLEGE) - but he wasn't in. Not one to give up easily, I lurked for half an hour or so in the hopes he would return, then moved onwards on (UNSPECIFIED POSSIBLY DISTINCT COLLEGE). Hilarity ensued as I got hopelessly lost trying to find Random Strategy's room. When I finally found (what I think is) the right staircase, the lock wouldn't recognise my uni card, so I had to retreat in shame and failure once more...

Another failed attempt on my life - this time I was foolish enough to answer the door, but not so foolish as to forget to shut it when someone tries to shoot me.

At close to the hour of midnight, shadowed by an accomplice, I shuffled along in my slippers and dressing gown in search of Jimmy Saville MkII. Unfortunately my target dwelled at the centre of a labyrinth and whilst in search of his lair, we discovered we were lost. Suddenly there appeared two searchlights ahead of us, we had been spotted. The bowler-hatted guardians started to follow us. Panicking we ran into the nearest open building. Pausing to stop wheezing, I realised we had found the hiding place of another one of my targets, Mr Fluffybuns, we crept up the stairs, our previous goal forgotten. As we reached the dank corridor where he lived, a suspicious fellow dweller passed us, locking himself in the bathroom. Suspecting he was our target, we lurked in wait. However, the target was determined not to come out so we gave up... but we will be back!

At precisely 1:45 today, Ben Redwood, a member of Girton college was assassinated by Ms Terry, using a gun. Ms Terry and her accomplice followed Redwood for the duration of the journey from the edge of Cambridge centre to Girton- a whole other region. But Redwood increased pace, slipping through the net before Ms Terry had the chance to strike. Once at Girton Ms Terry tried again, and this time, she suceeded, drawing a gun and taking aim, quick, like a cobra and after two shots, Redwood was dead.

Having left a very important gathering of the dwarves in a distant land early to fulfill a mission with a small group of my kinsmen, I set out from the kingdom of Caius shorty after midday. Our mission was to locate certain traitors of our people and put an end to their villainous lives. Our first target was man going by the name of Alex Gibbs, who lived in a small country belonging to the kingdom of Caius and located nearby. I shot him thrice in the heart. After our small success, however, our mission started to wane, as all our other targets had heard of our coming and fled before we could get to them. Finally we gave up, yet only for today!

This morning, I gunned down Sahr Jalil with my gatling as she left the Babbage lecture theatre.

Double kill. Stabbed Helen Smith as she stopped at the lights, thanks to a little distraction from my lovely wife. Got lucky and bumped into Oliver terret (with a knife) while making my escape. Two incos down!

Struck again. Stabbed Alice Hobbs as she stopped at a junction after making a daring dash across fast moving traffic.

On the 4th of February, the Hassassin rid the world of an incompetent assassin. Noticing that Henry Miller, who happened to be an acquaintance of mine, had gone inco, I struggled with the dilemma of whether to assassinate him or not. I decided on the honourable approach. In the dead of night, we met. I said I would give him one warning in order for him to prepare himself, but that should we meet again he would not be allowed a second chance. As it was, at midday exactly, I enquired in a very friendly way if he had made an attempt. He never got past the second word of his sentence, "No, but...." I had shot him through the heart with a rubber band. The Hassassin loveth not incompetence.

Recently, I received information from 'The Umpire', the shadowy figure behind this galactic ring of spies and killers. Little is known of this being except that it appears to delight in carnage and seems to pit combatants against each other in death matches for entertainment. From the pattern of behaviour, I suspect it may be a member of the Hutt species... Evidently, certain mercenaries had failed in their duties and were targeted for elimination. Ordinarily, I would have ignored such demands, for I am subservient to no one. However, removing these fighters would further my conquest of the galaxy, so I decided to hunt down a few. Thus, today, I found myself at cantina frequented by two of my quarry. I purchased food and sat eating to blend in, facing the entrance. Soon enough, both walked in together. I bided my time until they drew near. As they passed by, I stood up, a vibroblade in each hand and plunged them into my targets before they could react. As I checked their bodies to confirm their deaths, I was surprised to learn my attack had had no effect on Alice Hobbs, as she was merely a Force ghost, having already been executed earlier that day. Although not quite the double kill I was hoping for, I was satisfied with the death of Louis Longley and after finishing my meal, continued on my way.

It was with great fortune that mine ears didst sniff the sounds of raucous merriment, emanating flirtatiously from beneath a door. The name on the room did not fool me, for I was among they who had slain the previous President of the Elders of J.C.R; the sound was distinctly that produced by womenfolk entertained by one Ram Sarujan. As the door was flung open I took up the slack in mine weapon's trigger and began my journey towards my innocent prey, inconspicuously flitting between lady after lady, until yet only one remained betwixt my leaden friend and my soon to be dead friend. With great grace and poise, I swung the fair maiden aside, holding her as if among the misty passion of a tango. It is only as the hammer fell, that my old friend realised his fate. As time slowed, his eyes widened in fear, knowing in his heart that a reaction had begun. A reaction that would invariably lead to a delicately formed instrument of leaden death embedding itself in the folds of his heart. I fired once... Only once. With his last breath he spake: "Why hast thou, man of mighty wrist, assailed my life so?" "It is because thou hast not wrest mine from me" And then he died, by way of A Gentle Spooning.

A sleepy and disorientated Maria Gorinova opened the door to a trusty accomplice. I've got bloodlust for incos today.

Returning from my fresh kill, I received a message from allies inviting me to their camp. They suggested I try their new combat simulator, "Brothers of Super Smash". As a Sith Lord must always remain in peak condition, I agreed. I also had intelligence that one of the mercenaries had recently been declared incompetant and marked for execution. In the past, I had considered working with him and taking him as my apprentice, so I had let him live until now, debating whether to help him regain his competance. However, the Sith Order neither needs nor tolerates incompetant members. The weak must die and the strong must rule! He knew my identity and had become a liability, so I decided to silence him as soon as possible. I made my way to their base and waited for my target, James McAuley, to arrive. In the meantime, I trained on "Brothers of Super Smash", a most superlative simulation. When James walked in, he struck up a conversation with some of the locals at the entrance. I swiftly drew my blaster from my pack and walked down the corridor before he noticed my presence. Calling out to him, I fired as he turned around. My first shot missed, but the following 3 struck home and he died, lamenting that I didn't give him a chance to work with me. I admit, I felt regret for killing such a promising future ally, but there is no place for weakness within a Sith Lord and I did what had to be done.

I am Psycho Mantis, the most powerful practitioner of psychokinesis and telepathy in the world. On the 5th of February, I was engaged at a formal at Murray Edwards. I can read people's minds. In my lifetime I have read the pasts, presents, and futures of thousands upon thousands of men and women. And on that day each mind that I peered into was stuffed with the same single object of obsession. That selfish and atavistic desire to pass on one's seed... it was enough to make me sick. Every living thing on this planet exists to mindlessly pass on their DNA. We're designed that way. And that is why there is war. On leaving the formal, disgusted with the thoughts that I had seen, one girl in particular repelled me beyond all measure. Rosanna O'Keefe. We were truly the same, her and I. But I was not interested in her plans for world domination. I just wanted an excuse to kill as many people as I could. I dove into her mind, finding that she was unarmed. It was now I decided to strike, she was unaware of my intent, despite knowing my occupation. I conjured a telekinetic knife and drove it between her ribs with a thought. Her mind spoke of another who I felt must die, Allan Karlsson. I searched the bar telepathically, but her mental shielding was very strong. The dead girl's friends were already alerting my next target to my presence, so I turned on my optic camoflauge and escaped. But the word is out. She knows I am coming, and I will take great pleasure in ending her life.

A glorious day for UNSPECIFIED COLLEGE! For today, the rebel force has finally been defeated! Those treacherous scum refused to swear alliegance to this almighty empire, and for that, they deserve death! After my apprentice's failure to stop them and annoying death yesterday, I was forced to do the dirty work myself. Lying in ambush, I cunningly shot all 3 of them at once with my trusty heavy plasma cannon. They didn't stand a chance. Investigating the corpses proved that the leader of the rebels, a certain Snowy, had actually been killed yesterday by my apprentice. It seems his mission wasn't a total failure after all.

Another successful mission: Zack Hassan has been terminated, execution style, with a bullet to the back of the head. Soon I will rule this town.

============================================= INTERNAL E-MAIL: FOR UMBRELLA CORP. EYES ONLY ============================================= RE: Further tests of Z-Virus I was disappointed to note of the death of the science laboratory escapee, The Rat Man, earlier in the week, as his genetic makeup was of particular interest to me - the experiments that he suffered, coupled with his mental breakdown would have given him a resistance to my virus. I had a accomplice all set up and I was ready to bring my plan to fruition, when it was robbed from me. I was moderately agitated, but I controlled myself and only vaporised one of my lab staff. I had realised what I needed was still available: The Rat Man's body, which contained his genetic material. I could clone his body and zombify it myself. Therefore, I had learnt the whereabouts of his grieving widow, a The Soup Dragon. I took it upon myself to go to her, pretending I knew Tristan, in order to access the body and kill her. However, she must have seen through my ruse, as, even though I was remarkably respectful in my knocking. She exited the room, all guns blazing, as I scrambled for cover, shooting darts her way in a rage. She quickly returned to her room and would not come out. I had annoyed myself. The virus was not meant for simple beings like her. I needed to be more like my zombies and go straight for what I want, so I retreated to Umbrella Corp. However, as luck would have it, I saw a fellow scientist at the entrance to my laboratory, named Tom Norris, who was assisting me in my processes. However, he did not know that he was on my list of citizens with abnormal qualities. With a collected manner, I shot him twice in the torso to relieve some tension. He was quite happy with his death, even as he transmogrified into a snarling beast, presumably as it meant I wouldn't vaporise him. I really need to stop doing that. ===================== END OF INTERNAL EMAIL =====================

Lurked outside the residence of target from 6:45 to 7:00. Tried to be inconspicuous; scouted out avenues of approach and hoped to catch target arriving. No luck on that front.