Cloak & Dagger The Assassins' Guild - Week 6 News

Monday, 1 March

[19:00 PM] The ASNaC (Alicia Danks) learns that food and death go well together.. unfortunately the killer is not her but Rave Blue World
The ASNaC reports:

Alas, for I am dead - definitely deceased, in fact. I am demised. I have passed on. I am no more. I have Ceased to Be. I have expired and gone to meet Odin. I am a Late ASNaC. I am bereft of life and rest in peace, pushing up the daisies. I am, as it were, an Ex-ASNaC ;)

[19:10 PM] There's not enough love around any more.. Professor of love (David Turner) dies to Rave Blue World
Professor of love reports:

My memory is all a surreal haze. On a complete whim I decide to go and check for mail... As I exit a door, I see an odd looking fellow dash forward. I wonder why he seems so keen to catch the door before it closes, but continue my very short walk. Before I realise what is happening, I feel a sharp point pressing into my stomach. As I feel the warm, thin trickle and stare into the eyes of my killer, the shock of recognition hits me. I slowly fall to the floor, clutching my torn inards, my dying breaths a muted "Good game...". As I leave behind a past of deceit, sneakery and death, my only regret is... that I am dead.
The Late Professor of Love.

Rave Blue World reports:

Rave Blue World was playing a 2 player turn-based strategy game, also known as conversation, when he decrypted a message coding the locations of The ASNaC and Professor of love. This resulted in their deaths by knife.

Tuesday, 2 March

[12:00 PM] Two Face (William "Twillo" Brooks) resigns from the game.

[12:00 PM] A bounty has been placed on Christopher Powell!

The Royal Society for the Prevention of Thunderbolting to Sloths places a bounty of 40 biscuits upon the [Unspecified_Adjective] head of Christopher Powell.

[19:00 PM] Raspberry Skelter tries to find Mario and Stilgar
Raspberry Skelter reports:

Raspberry Skelter visited some colleges. Interactions failed to occur. He therefore departed to cultivate a new form of motion.

Wednesday, 3 March

[09:40 AM] Mario goes hunting
Mario reports:

Mooched around the Downing site for half an hour hoping Raspberry Skelter would turn up. But, as the story usually goes, he didn't.

[09:45 AM] Bambi tries to out-trick the hunters...
Bambi reports:

Today Bambi discovered his lecture was cancelled, yay! Thinking that as he had only received this information en route to afore mentioned lecture his hunters may not have known about the felling of this covert. (If they did would they like to tell him how to find out in future?) So he decided to lurk his own lectures; after careful scouting of the meadows and copses in the area he deemed it free of hunters and settled into wait. With the tell tale baying of hounds never sounding he decided to go away and do some work, even deer have to but it is hard without opposable thumbs, then come back for lecture leaving time. Again the hunters failed to find, or even appear to be searching for the trail, and after lingering for a while he gave up on the counter lurk.

[12:00 PM] The Zombiez findz something
The Zombiez reports:


We hav uncovered interusting detailz about robinz and batmanz deths.

the Zombiez

[12:00 PM] Heavily injured Batman and Second-hand Second-hand Biro Salesman fight again. Second-hand Second-hand Biro Salesman goes down...
Second-hand Second-hand Biro Salesman reports:

The Biro Salesman pondered as he paced up and down the middle of the control room in his lair, deep in thought.
His suspicions had first been roused when the Batman arrived on the Biro-Smuggling prevention scene. Obviously, this was a man to be reckoned with, surviving an explosion of that magnitude and cracking a few of the SHBS's bones at the same time took serious quick-thinking and skill. Almost genius-level.
He slumped into his armchair, while flicking on his TV with the remote, and flicking the end of a click-pen rapidly in and out with his other hand. News. That would clear his head, watching the headlines of his antics unfolding before his eyes.
"...and in other news, Bruce Wayne yesterday signed a historic contract with the Schools Council, promising Gotham's children free stationery. The deal will include rubbers, rulers, sharpeners, scissors, pencils and pens."
The last word rang out in the Salesman's ears. Bruce Wayne now encroaching on his territory. Ruddy do-gooder geniuses, he thought.
"Penny! Take a note for me!" His automated assistant PENn-y hovered over, in humble robotic servitude, taking out a .32 mm Staedtler custom, designed specifically for taking notes. The Salesman continued clicking his own pen, out of habit. "Put Bruce Wayne on the list."
"The 'list', sir?" queried Penny.
"Y'know, the list! The list of my sworn enemies! My list of certain impending doom!" said the Salesman, as menacingly as he could be bothered with.
"What does it look like, sir?" asked the robot.
"It looks a lot like a piece of kitchen towel with 'Batman' written on it."
"Ah, yes sir, that list."


"Wait... Batman... Wayne... Penny! Check last month's orders! Check for a deal with Wayne Enterprises... I smell a rat."
Penny buzzed away and returned shortly with a file, and deposited it in her master's lap. He began to search frantically through the paper.
"Aha! An order, from Waynecorp., authorised by Lucius Fox, no less! One of my best customers over the past year or so. Yes, here it is, look. School kids' pens. Lots of 'em. Mine! Being used by Wayne to convince the public he's a good man... as soon as this gets out, he'll be ruined! Not least because... now I know who the Batman is. Who he's been hiding behind all this time. He made one mistake... look, Penny! Look at the TV!"
"What am I meant to see, sir?" asked the robot.
"Look at his biro, will you? It's one of the batch that Batman stopped being shipped through to Arkham Island a few weeks back. Being used by Wayne to sign a deal to secure sound sourcing of pens and stop the gang war... or so he thinks..."
"Mr Wayne is set to attend a fundraiser tonight for his children's charity." chirped the TV, helpfully.
"Well, in that case, prepare the Biromobile MkII. And bring me my finest weapon."
"The Stabilo, sir?"
"No, Penny, that's a fine Biro and it's served me for years. But it's time to branch out. Bring me... the experimental weapon. Bring me... the Sharpened Fountain Pen!"

Heavily injured Batman reports:

Bruce Wayne walks through the late evening party, limping slightly, and managing to hide the numerous bandages that cover wounds upon his body. This Biro Seller is dangerous, and still at large, but Bruce cannot afford to hunt him now. This party is a charity fundraiser, one that he organized and cannot afford to miss. With luck, it will raise enough money to begin repairing the city, now that the majority of the Gang War has subsided.

A tap on his shoulder.
"Excuse me, my friend, but could I interest you in one of a selection of fountain pens?"
Bruce turns in horror.
A sharpened fountain pen is driven into his chest, puncturing a lung.

The other guests at the party scream in terror as the Second-hand Second-hand Biro Salesman turns away from Bruce's slumped body. He laughs. "RePENt, all of you! Come, buy my Second-hand Second-hand pens for salvation from the pointy nibs of DOOM!"
To his disappointment, the guests all flee the room. "You just can't get a decent customer these days, no matter how flashy your ways of getting their attention." He sighs. "And I'll bet that you're wondering how I know who you are," he comments to the body behind him.
He turns back.

The body is no longer there. Bruce Wayne is gone. The Heavily injured Batman... is gone.

The Second-hand Second-hand Biro Salesman swears.

Thursday, 4 March

[14:15 PM] The burrower lurks Raspberry Skelter

[14:30 PM] Grape Juice kills Why I Tamed Tolkien (Timothy Kew)

[15:30 PM] I have never (Luke Bennett) heard of a better reason not to remind a player that he can legitimately kill you. Zombie Commissioner Jim Gordon obliges
Zombie Commissioner Jim Gordon reports:

I hear Mr Luke Bennett should really not remind people that they are legitimately allowed to kill them when those people have forgotten due to having other, more pressing concerns on their mind. Still, I won't decline to oblige!
In other, more positive news, I hear one Anna Sassin may owe Luke one Creme Egg...

Friday, 5 March

[09:15 AM] Raspberry Skelter lurks.
Raspberry Skelter reports:

I lurked one of the entrances to Stilgar's lectures from 9.45 and then when she did not pass by I left to counter-lurk my own department, bumping into the Chief of Police as I did so. I then [SPOILERS] turned up to one of my own lectures rather late at 10.15. After the lecture I had a quick shifty around New Museums but only saw various dead assassins. Conclusion - dudes, we must synchronise our lurking times.

[11:15 AM] Bambi hunts Mario
Bambi reports:

Bambi, getting bored of the prolonged hunt, settled into wait in the vicinity of Mario's lectures and possible haunts at 12.00 he got bored and wandered off. Perhaps the rumour that he has run away is true and not misinformation. Never mind I'll try again later.

[12:45 PM] Bambi hunts Mario again..

[14:30 PM] Batman on death's door kills Second-hand Second-hand Biro Salesman (William Keen) (again)
Batman on death's door reports:

A Very Heavily injured Batman stands out in the darkness, breathing in sharp gasps. A bandage covers the wound that punctured his lung but there is nothing else other than a few internal stitches; he has had little time to recover from the Second-hand Second-hand Biro Salesman.

But he has found him.
The sharpened fountain pen had corresponded with a large order of pens that Wayne Enterprises had ordered a few months back. Right down to the fingerprints on the grip. Since discovering the Second-hand Second-hand Biro Salesman, Bruce had checked every pen he could get his hands on for fingerprints that may one day correspond to a sample from the villain. And finally, it paid off.


The Second-hand Second-hand Biro Salesman sits down onto his armchair within his lair, head in his hands. "I had him Penny. Just briefly, but I had Wayne, wounded, dying even, but I turned my back on him and he slipped away! Curse Batman and his sneaky ways..."
"My sympathies sir." replies his robotic servant.
"He shouldn't last long now. A punctured lung, heart even... No! Wait! The heart is on the left hand side of the chest! I stabbed him in the right! Broken nibs, it just gets worse..."
"A punctured lung is still a deadly wound, sir. I doubt he'll last long."
The villain shakes his head. "It's Batman. A Very Heavily injured Batman, but Batman nonetheless. He won't stop coming for me as long as he has a breath in his body."

There is a silence, then an electronic buzz as Penny collapses to the floor. The Salesman stares at her, and then looks up from his armchair.
"No, I won't." The Dark Knight has arrived.
"Oh my G*d! You killed Penny!! You B*****d!!!" the Second-hand Second-hand Biro Salesman screams.
He pulls out a prototype weapon that shoots poisoned biros, and empties its magazine at the Very Heavily injured Batman.
However, in his rage, he forgets that he left a mirror in that part of the room, and doesn't realise that Batman isn't actually standing there.

The mirror shatters.

Realising his mistake, the villain turns in horror.
Batman stands not two meters away.
The Second-hand Second-hand Biro Salesman leaps from his chair and runs toward a window - one of the few advantages of having an evil lair on the second floor of a flat, instead of underground, in a volcano, or the latest popularity: SPACE.

He leaps through the emergency exit, shattering the glass.
A thrown batarang wraps a cord around his legs.
He slams against the wall of the flat, hanging by his feet.
Inside the lair, Batman drops to the floor in pain, coughing blood.

Slipping a pen from his sleeve, The Second-hand Second-hand Biro Salesman glances at the ground beneath him.
"This is going to hurt."
He removes the lid, revealing the Bladed-Biro, and then reaches up and cuts the cord around his legs.
He falls.

[15:15 PM] Mario lurks for Raspberry Skelter
Mario reports:

mooch mooch mooch mooch. Thought Raspberry Skelter might be having his POETS day...

[16:10 PM] Bambi lurks for Raspberry Skelter

Saturday, 6 March

[10:05 AM] Apollo's Hum shows why not to be a sociable assassin, and stabs Stilgar AKA The Borg AKA Bambi (Sophie Reed)
Bambi reports:

Bambi skittered nervously out of lectures and after much paranoid sleuthing mounted his bike and moved on to his next lecture. After double checking for suspicious characters and only seeing one talking to a friend he went towards his lecture theatre but decided to turn back and be friendly, this was his downfall as the person turned out to be Apollo's Hum and promptly stabbed him. Oh well good game.

Apollo's Hum reports:

Apollo's Hum floated across vistas on another world, spanning the universe in a mere 2 neventeenths of a second as he traveled on the wings of improbability. He covered the plains of Cantabridge with a deluge of light, then hummed into Stilgar's ear. This caused instant death. Luck was sadly a fugitive from Stilgar today. Oh well. Apollo's hum then went for a pleasant coffee with the deceased and other villains including a certain villain with a PENchant for chaos.

Third-hand Biro Salesman reports:

We lost the war, unfortunately. In the Police War Finale today, we settled our differences the old fashioned way: with water.
Die yet, lint Mohawk! died first to Zombie Commissioner Jim Gordon and Robin, who I then killed with an XP310 (Robin, not Zombie Commissioner Jim Gordon). Then In Earlobe, Din came too close for comfort to Die yet, lint Mohawk!'s CPS1000 that I picked up and ended up dead by my hand also. So it was me wielding a half-water CPS against AquaPak Zombie Commissioner Jim Gordon and CPS1500 Batman on death's door. Batman on death's door had the wind, I held them off remarkably long (my only remaining ally was PaperMate PC with duel wield WWCs, which are not much use against the range they had, he did well too before dying to Zombie Commissioner Jim Gordon).
Batman on death's door eventually nailed me with a nice shot after pushing me back for ages.

Well played, "Batman on death's door", you win this one! //insert pen joke here\

In Earlobe, Din reports:

As In Earlobe, Din wandered the ruptured streets of Gotham, he took the time to contemplate his own mortality, and the events soon to transpire. The knight-of-questionable-shading was making his final surge on the biro salesmen, now operating out of a heptagonally-shaped fortress, cunningly named The Pen-tagon. In Earlobe, Din longed for this sham of a police war to be over. He had grown weary of ducking Bic projectiles and spending too long in laboratories testing ink samples.

As the only one in the four-man band of crusaders of justice who had gone against the flow of adopting a Marvel comics character as a pseudonym, In Earlobe was feeling rather out-of-place, and scarpered down back alleyways to escape it all and prove his worth. Claustrophobia isn't the only thing you fear when charging between back gardens behind the students' Jewish centre...

** BOOM **

A massive explosion rocked the area, knocking Din to the floor. Smoke billowed upwards from the direction of the Pen-tagon, and his radio unit crackled into life...

"bzzshhharrck -tagon ... blown to pieces ... second-hand ... -alesman pushed detonator ... -iros everywhe- ... get ou-" "Now you see Zombiez, this is how we should have distributed our stock in the first place. Massive detonation, propel the pens skyward, let them rain down like the radiation from Chernobyl. It's brilliant! Wait, why was my comm unit turned on? And why am I openly broadcasting on the police's frequency?" *fzzzt*

Regrouping, the "lawful" side of this cataclysmic police war raced towards the docks. With a destroyed base of operations, the biro salesmen had nowhere to go but the S.S. There's no such thing as a Memcourtmaf, a strange title for a boat In Earlobe thought, but who was he to argue. Reaching the access road before the remaining triad of unre-pen-tant criminals, the final shoot-out began. Not an ounce of cover in anyone's favour. Release for Din was swift and gratifying, and while he meditated at the Pearly Gates on his demise following a spray of fire from Third-hand Biro Salesman, he was unceremoniously jerked back to the world of the living...

Batman, Robin and Gordon hovered above.
"Is... it, over?"
"Indeeeeeeeeeed" came the reply.

Batman on death's door reports:

Bullets and pens fly down the corridor as Batman on death's door ducks into an alcove, breathing sharply. Opposite him, Zombie Commissioner Jim Gordon crouches behind a desk for cover, wielding an AquaPak Assault Rifle. (The miniature Zombie plague that is spreading through Gotham City has apparently infected the Commissioner, but so far he has shown no ill effects. So far...)
"Isn't it about time that you tell me exactly what this Third-hand Biro Salesman is guilty of?" yells the Commissioner over the gun-fire.
"Arranging the assassination of the Mayor, instigating a full on gang war, numerous counts of attempted murder, heavy structural damage to the base of Wayne Tower, and causing the deaths of some of your own officers."
Gordon frowns for a few moments. "To what ends? What motives?"
"Selling dodgy biros."
A thrown Bladed-Biro embeds itself in the top of the desk. Gordon eyes it warily.

The Third-hand Biro Salesman had escaped the Dark Knight at his lair, but shortly afterwards Batman had found him again, fleeing in his new BIROMOBILE MK2. Batman had given chase on the Batpod, summoning help from Gordon. Once he had the police on his tail, the Third-hand Biro Salesman had seemingly panicked, pulling up in front of a skyscraper before running into the building. However, another black car had pulled up at the same time, out of which emerged two more minions of the salesman. They had held off Batman and the Police long enough to retreat into the skyscraper with their master.
The battle had continued within the building, with Robin joining the fight shortly after Batman and the Police had entered. They had pushed the villains up through the floors, with the Third-hand Biro Salesman utilising the lifts a lot until Zombie Commissioner Jim Gordon had them locked down.
Eventually though, the battle had drawn near to the roof, and Gordon had received reports of a helicopter landing atop the skyscraper, presumably to evacuate the villains. The corridor in which the fight now took place is the only route to the roof, with the Third-hand Biro Salesman and his men performing a fighting retreat to hold off the police.

Batman on death's door glances round from his alcove to see a familiar face at the far end of the corridor, wielding a bladed wok. "Die yet, lint Mohawk!" yells the figure angrily, hurling the wok in Batman's direction.
The Dark Knight ducks back into cover, but from nearby Robin hurls a batarang in the figure's direction. At the same time, the Commissioner brings his assault rifle to bear as the batarang (again) cripples one of the wok-thrower's legs. Two short bursts neutralises the villain.

Not seeing any other minions of the Biro Salesman, the team presses forwards, with one Police Constable Charlie backing them up. At the end of the corridor is a large steel door, with the sound of rotor blades behind it. The roof.
Charlie opens the door, stepping out into the night with a pistol in each hand. Suddenly though, the Constable collapses to the ground, one hand flying up to the side of his head. "Got shot!" he yells. "In Earlobe, Din-"
The next two bullets rip through his chest.

Moving quickly, Batman on death's door, Robin, and Zombie Commissioner Jim Gordon move out onto the roof, finding cover behind various chimneys and ventilators, and catching only glimpses of a heavy machine-gun-like weapon mounted on the helicopter. Over the noise of the rotors, an ominous laughter rings out across the roof.
"Do you like it, Batman? I call it the BIRO-COPTER! And that Mini-pen-gun on the front fires over 100 Sharpened Fountain Pens a minute. Armour PENetrating Fountain Pens! It's prototype technology, you should be proud to have it tested on you!"
"Not if I can help it," mutters The Dark Knight under his breath, grimacing suddenly from the pain of his still-punctured lung.
The BIRO-COPTER begins to take off, and the heroes are powerless to stop it. The Third-hand Biro Salesman doesn't leave though, and as the helicopter circles the roof, Gordon yells out:
"One of my officers is piloting that! Relatively new recruit, can't remember his name-"
"Oh, he's the PaperMate PC, an undercover operative that we've had in your force for a little while," replies the Third-hand Biro Salesman. "Not that it matters now, since you're all going to die anyway..."
The Mini-pen-gun opens fire.
The three heroes scramble to stay behind cover, as Sharpened Fountain Pens shred everything on the roof.
The BIRO-COPTER passes close to Robin's position, and, seeing his chance, The Boy Wonder whips out a grapple gun even as Batman yells "NO!"
The grapple hook latches onto one of the helicopters support bars, pulling Robin off the roof. He begins to retract the grapple, pulling himself up into the BIRO-COPTER.
But at that moment, the chopper banks to one side, lashing Robin out into the wind. He loses his grip...
And falls.

Roaring with rage, Batman on death's door takes advantage of the split second in which the mini-pen-gun points away from the roof and throws an explosive batarang at the BIRO-COPTER's rear rotor blades. The batarang connects and blows the tail off the helicopter, causing it to spin helplessly in the wind.
The Third-hand Biro Salesman is flung out of the BIRO-COPTER, plunging into the darkness.

Zombie Commissioner Jim Gordon stands and sprays the cockpit with the Aquapak Assault rifle, killing PaperMate PC.
And finally, it is over.

The Third-hand Biro Salesman is dead, by Batman's hand. He has broken his one rule.
Robin is dead.
And as the BIRO-COPTER crashes onto the roof of the skyscraper, lighting up the night with flames, Batman on death's door falls to his knees, in exhaustion, pain, and anguish.
Gotham is free from the Third-hand Biro Salesman's tyrannical reign. But at what cost?

[19:00 PM] Some dudes try to attack Mario and some get killed for their trouble
Mario reports:

In my kitchen innocently making brownies for princess, I heard sounds on the staircase, jumping out I see a leg lurking about and shoot it then shoot the body its connected too. Turns out he was a policeman (bearing). After being tipped off he wasn't the only one, I ran around to a different staircase and jumped out shooting another square in the chest. After wandering around college a bit I ended up in a friends room, the police then found me again (5 in total, 2 now dead). After finding one was hid around the corner from the door, I fired fairly blindly around the door, and had fire returned, one band very closely missing my neck.

In Earlobe, Din reports:

The newly-reformed Gotham Police Dept. all became one big happy family once again, and we felt like raiding the incos (particularly Mario), and ending the game proper. Mario turned out to be less inco than we thought, and took out PaperMate PC and myself, LOL! Then he decided to be lame and hide in Unspecified-Other-Room to cook, eat and play video games, while billowing smoke out into the staircase [either to gain tactical advantage or because he's really lame at cooking...] and cowering behind his colleagues, who tried in vain to argue guild rules at Timothy Kew after he carelessly fired Nerfs into their vicinity, going potentially corrupt in the process. He verified such an act by unloading a tank of his water weapon in one sweep at all four of us when we gathered outside Robinson on Grange Road.

Batman on death's door reports:

Lurking his (empty) room led to him approaching us from below and killing In Earlobe, Din. After a pursuit, during which I fell behind, PaperMate PC was also slain, and the target lost. We returned to his room, as Robin and Die yet, lint Mohawk! showed up.

After a few brief encounters, we discovered that he was having dinner/ a party of sorts/ in a friend's room. Deciding that the friend's room was OOB, we lurked for a while, during which Die yet, lint Mohawk! shot an innocent with a nerf gun. Eventually, Mario showed up behind us (having left the room via a window) carrying _unspecified_ society equipment, making him thoroughly OOB. After a nice chat, we left. We then lurked his (actual) room again, in the vague hope that someone might show up, before leaving. On the way out we killed Die yet, lint Mohawk! for going corrupt.

Sunday, 7 March

[17:40 PM] Raspberry Skelter fails to 1UP as Mario evades capture... unlike that damn Princess!

Monday, 8 March

[18:30 PM] Raspberry Skelter AKA The Tittering Machine AKA Rave Blue World AKA Apollo's Hum (Adam Guterres) beats Mario AKA GLaDOS Mk. II (Christopher Powell) to the finish.
Luigi reports:

Game over, Mario. Now it's my turn.

Mario reports:

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