Cloak & Dagger The Assassins' Guild - Week 2 News

Monday, 1 February

[21:30 PM] HOOOOOOOOOOOOO! is "That One Guy"?

Made an attempt on "That One Guy" at half 9 in the evening, apparently he just left to go to the library.

[22:10 PM] Stilgar expunged The Expunger (Sally Higson)
Stilgar reports:

This evening, at about 22.10, the incompetent The Expunger learnt that when in a cartoon you should always look up when you hear a whistling noise and that the shape blocking out the sun isn't always a cloud. After an anvil on the head I feel that this lesson will have been drummed into her. Coyote eat your heart out.

Tuesday, 2 February

[03:30 AM] PimpSlaped (James Tiffin) by Tithe My Wok
Tithe My Wok reports:

I was having trouble sleeping, so I checked Facebook, and discovered that I wasn't alone in my predicament -- PimpSlap seemed to be having the same trouble. So I snuck up to his room, stealthily opened the door, and sneakily stabbed him.

[09:45 AM] "That One Guy" tries to lure out Pappus from his lair...
"That One Guy" reports:

I went after Pappus... but I'm way too lame-sauce to actually kill him. I got to his door, didn't think he was still there, knocked on it, but then he wouldn't come out because I was being too obvious about it. Then I ran away quickly in case he had some counter-attack plan.

[13:00 PM] Osaka Seafood Concern ends the life of The [UNSPECIFIED COLLEGE] Mafia Mascot (Dominic Carr)
Osaka Seafood Concern reports:

Waited for The [UNSPECIFIED COLLEGE] Mafia Mascot outside his lecture this afternoon. Quick knife kill. I must, however, congratulate him on his Jailbreak performance. Knife goes in, guts come out, that's what Osaka Seafood Concern is all about.

[13:35 PM] Scubbo (Jack William Mathew Jackson) is finally brought down by Mr. About-four-o'clock-in-the-afternoon!!!
Mr. About-four-o'clock-in-the-afternoon reports:

I am not one to boast, but when I am right, I am so right. Having a hunch aboout my earlier encounter (or lack thereof) with Scubbo and PimpSlap, a "ligitimate" associate of mine, Zem, the One True Mattress Overlord, suggested we try for the second time, although using my prior knowledge of the locale I suggested that nosepegs would be a good idea, were we to venture out once more. The scene we came across was not a pretty one, and with the nosae pegs we were able to noitice the subtle odours that I had missed last time due to the overpowereing miasma.

Blood, and freshly spilled no less. I said to Zem "I do believe that I smell a fresh kill on the winds", to which he did not reply, for he was having far too much fun being all floopy at the prospect of revenge for all the mattresses that this PimpSlap no doubt had slept on in all his life, (I of course sleep only in hammocks, and have done since the day I was born, which is how I have escaped the crusade that Zem is waging on all "mattress-sleeping-heathens"). When finally the door had been prised open to his room, the sight was horrific to a sophisticated gentleman like myself.

Someone had had the audacity to leave the job half finished, a shoddy attempt at professionalism by some cretin who should crawl back under the rock they were spawned under, and PimpSlap had been left for dead on the floor of his room, whereas we could hear his partner in crime alive and well buy in the next room. This made me furious, I nearly lost my temper, and Zem willomed most hoopily. Now I do not like finishing off other peoples' messes for them, but this time It made me so angry that I had to relieve my stress somewhere, and it just so turned out that Scubbo made a very handy target for my outbursts, quite literally. The job was done, but very unsatisfactorily, and I have had to have a relaxing cup of tea to calm myself down.

[14:00 PM] Magumbo and Anne Bonney went hunting.
Magumbo reports:

Everybody knows the best way for a butler to relieve the stresses of everyday servitude is to do some good old-fashioned killing. So wearing my pressed shirt, starched tie, steamed trousers, polished blazer and ironed shoes....wait, is that right?...I, Magumbo, and my pirate friend, Anne Bonney, went to the humble servants quarters of _unspecified_ to get us a plump turkey or two to carve. Unfortunately it appeared that we were out of luck as upon arrival we were informed that the first of my victims, Pope Gregory IX, was otherwise engaged. Disappointed but not disheartened I sharpened my knives and sped to the residence of Colonel Mustard. If he was there, our knocks were not enough to coax him out. We solemnly left, our weapons looking decidedly too clean.

Anne Bonney reports:

It's a difficult life one has to lead, being an assassin. But for a land-bound pirate such as myself, Anne Bonney, the circumstances are even more difficult to navigate however, especially when one does not have the correct bearings and goes north-northwest rather than north. This had occurred in the previous evening, when I and Magumbo went in dastardly pursuit of bonus competence to the lairs of Pope Gregory IX and Colonel Mustard....only to wander aimlessly about the territory (without an adequate ship, may I add; the canons were rustin' and all) for nearly an hour in the dark. But Anne Bonney and Magumbo do not give up in such a landlover-like way! Nay, they returned four hours after sunrise to seek out these gentlemen, loaded with pistols and cannonballs and all sorts of buccaneering weaponry. We found the college, we found the staircases, we found their cabins.....but we didn't find them. It was an unfruitful expedition...I say unfruitful; the blighters had left a huge pile of free pizza vouchers in their staircase. A trip to Domino's is now in order - with a spot of rum, naturally.

[17:00 PM] Dr Dinosaur PimpSlaps James Tiffins corpse
Dr Dinosaur reports:

These mammals die so quickly! Having infiltrated one of their so-called fortresses (their walls are no match for my genius) I then went to find the one who called himself PimpSlap but found that the pathetic half-ape had died during the night!!! Well I ate his corpse anyway (just because I'm a TIME-TRAVELLING GENIUS doesn't mean I don't still like a bit of fresh meat!!1!). Be warned!! Revenge will be mine.

[18:00 PM] BARON HUMBUCK also goes hunting.

Went to spy on The Manic Moleman. Found his poster, but not him.

[19:30 PM] Mario hunts..
Mario reports:

In regards to finding my intended targets, operation brownie was unsuccessful. However, in regards to feeding their room-mates and staircase with delicious home-made brownies it was a roaring success!

Wednesday, 3 February

[11:05 AM] 5 hours before, Mr. About-four-o'clock-in-the-afternoon kills The Haiku Murderer (Robert Sullivan)
Mr. About-four-o'clock-in-the-afternoon reports:

Now I am all for cleaning up "garbage" around on the streets, but it just doens't compare to a proper job, one that actually poses a challenge to someone like me. This one's name was The Haiku Murderer, and he was not bad at what he did. Wary enough to stay behind locked doors, and not to open them even with the secret knowck that my sources had provided me with. However, hiding will only get you so far in this life, and sooner or later, everyone has to go out sometime. It just so happened that me and my good old pal Zem, the One True Mattress Overlord came upon a tasaty morsel of information, specifically the knowledge of his daily movements. Armed with this, and a couple of No. 3 throwing knives of course, we set out to have a little fun.

We waited in the street, blending into the crowds as best as a giant mattress and a sophisticated gentleman such as myself can, waiting. The crowds surges past, and we almost lost hope of catching sight of our target, till at last we saw him hurrying, for he was late, soon to be even later. Lunging forward with knife in hand, I buried the blade in his chest before hurrying his body away before Any in the vicinity could realise what had happened. Zem covered our escape, and we laughed and celebrated our victory in that age old tradition, eating lots of greasy food.

The Haiku Murderer reports:

Having spent serval days fruitlessly lurking in the hope of catching one Mr. About-four-o'clock-in-the-afternoon, my rumoured would-be-assassin, I would normally have been more excited to finally discover my nemesis. Unfortunately, I discovered him on the other end of the knife sticking out of my stomach, which somewhat ruined the moment. Rats.

[11:30 AM] The corpse of PimpSlap is mutilated again, and the corrupt Zem, the One True Mattress Overlord brought to justice by Stilgar
Stilgar reports:

This morning I woke up decidedly uncomfortable. To address this problem I decided I needed a new mattress and finding that the only one in the area was wanted for dastardly deeds anyway, I went on a hunt. This was a success and tonight I will sleep well. While searching for a new mattress I also found the corpse of James Tiffin and shot it again for good measure.

Zem, the One True Mattress Overlord reports:

Zem glibbered happily in his own slime, flolloping in his College room, drawing up plans for World Willoming by spitting in patterns on his wall. All those who had slept on a Mattress would pay! All of his kind who had been shipped off to various places to be slept on (amongst other things) would no longer suffer in floopy silence. This was the mission of the Mattress Overlord, to bring justice to the Galaxy, starting with its primary seat of learning.
As he flurped on the Assassins website, looking for potential humans to legally murder, he came across a strange thing. The humans had put a price on the head of Zem! They actually put him on a list for all their associates to attack him! This made Zem very cross indeed. He glubbered over to his gun drawer, pulled out the biggest, nastiest looking one he could find and somehow (without the use of the hands he didn't own) armed it, he was determined to go out and kill the next thing he saw!
At this point, there was a knock on his door. He angrily wollomied over to it and opened it a crack to see who it could be, interrupting his murderous strop. It was Fred, his robot friend! Being a Mattress (even the most intelligent of whom are skull-crushingly stupid), he instantly forgot his rage in an effort to greet his metal buddy (with his genuine people personality).
"Fred!" he gurbled, and flung open the door, to reveal standing on the other side of it an unfriendly looking person holding what appeared to be some form of rubber-band firing implement. Zem cringed as he knew rubber bands to be a Mattress's true weakness. So he shot a rubber band at him because that was his weakness.
In his last moments, Zem contemplated what it meant to be a mortal mattress. He had tried (and he had failed) where other mattresses hadn't even thought to glurry. He let out a final, satisfied willomie, in the floopiest manner imaginable, ready to face his destiny, and be well and truly slept-on.
You sass that hoopy Zem? Now there's a frood who knows where his towel is.

[13:30 PM] Commissioner Jim Gordon and Batman search Gotham City for villainy, with little success, as Drunken Phantom, Baron of bunny and The Haiku Murderer evade them
Batman reports:

There'll always be another chance, Commissioner...

Commissioner Jim Gordon reports:

Those fiends, they ain't gonna hide from my men forever. Bring them to me, Batman, I ain't got no qualms about killing! One less rat in the cesspit never did no harm.

[13:40 PM] Door2Door Salesman gets a mystery lurk...
Door2Door Salesman reports:

Once upon a midday dreary, while I pondered drunk and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of commercial law,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
`'Tis some visitor,' I muttered, `tapping at my chamber door -
Only this, and nothing more.'

So I ignored it...

Knives reports:

I made an attempt on my target today... I went to his but he was not there. It was lunchtime so he was probably at lunch. A pity. I left him a short note, to let him know that I was always watching. There is always next time.

[13:45 PM] The Manic Moleman tunnels his way past the lairs of Binary Assassin and Door2Door Salesman, but without success

[15:30 PM] The Betrayed is active and tries to betray Raspberry Skelter, Baron of bunny, Dr Dinosaur and Peter Sutcliffe, sadly for him with no success

[15:39 PM] Pappus staggers around after Drunken Phantom and Colonel Mustard, but has no luck
Pappus reports:

I took an afternoon stroll to visit the inco Colonel Mustard, but soon discovered that while he was inco he wasn't inco enough to leave his door unlocked. At least his corridor was easier to enter than Drunken Phantom's. A rapid departure then ensued when I realized that a far worse fate lay before me at the hands of a supervisor if I did not return to my college post haste.

[17:21 PM] Commissioner Jim Gordon wants to lay down the law on these Gotham pimps, starting with Baron of bunny
Baron of bunny reports:

An attempt was made on my life today by a dastardly but as of yet unnamed assasain. They deserve credit for making there way into my accomodation however they reconed without my hermitude,cowardlyness and general paranoia. In other words I had my door locked and opened it slowly causing them to waste numerous rubber bands on the door itself.
We both utilised shamefully poor stratergy. With them using the wonderfully dreadfull phrase "would you like to come with me and have some chocolate" That conjoured up images of warnings given to small children about creepy grown ups.
However my stratergy of wait till I heard them leave and then surprise them was foiled by me being confused by sounds of my neighbours moving around, and my waiting too long "just in case"
Whilst not proud of my behaviour in the not killing them front. I AM STILL ALIVE and I guess at the end of the day ,continued survival in the face of the insurmountable dangers of being incompetent is what really matters.

Commissioner Jim Gordon reports:

My old legs may not be up to shoot-out combat as they once were, but I could still take that coward one-handed if he came outta his goddamn room and didn't hide like the wimp he clearly is. I know where you live, mother****er. You've got a baddass on your tail. Be afraid.

[18:00 PM] Professor of love once again learns some lessons in the art of loving from Tristan Maxwell, as they conspire to take down BARON HUMBUCK (Duncan Goudie)
Tristan Maxwell reports:

The urge to kill overtook me again tonight. The target of the evening this time was Duncan Goudie. I brought my friend, the Professor of love, with me again to show him how killing it done. After several attempts to enter the target's abode disguised as a homosexual, we decided it was time to ask the people approaching us for assistance. To our good fortune, the target comprised one half of the duo before us, and after a quick guarantee of his identity, he fell to the bullet of Tristan Maxwell.

Professor of love reports:

Dear Mumpire

Another day, another kill. Again with the good old Tristan Maxwell, we ended up outside an acommodation block containing one Duncan Goudie ringing door bells in the hope that some less than smart person would let us in. So imagine our surprise when we see the target with a friend sauntering over from a staircase next door. Tristan Maxwell runs over and quickly pumps him full of elastic as I uselessly wave my guns around. This is shortly followed by one of the very strangest interactions of my life with him and his friend.

Enjoy your burgers. Lots of love, The Professor.

[18:30 PM] Charlie - "I have no need of a pseudonym cos, while I am not going wanted, I will likely die to some very lame crossfire on the first Incobash" - the Unicorn finds some time alongside the creation of SILLY LONG PSEUDONYMS and tries, like everyone else in Cambridge, to find Drunken Phantom. Without success. Would someone just kill him?
Charlie - "I have no need of a pseudonym cos, while I am not going wanted, I will likely die to some very lame crossfire on the first Incobash" - the Unicorn reports:

This evening, following a conveniently-nearby supervision, I went for a spot of incobashing against Drunken Phantom. Navigated _unspecified_location_of_magic_and_win_and_maybe_even_candy_ to his room, tried the door, was locked, evaluated windows on the courtyard-facing side of the building, saw no lights on at his location, thus assumed he was at _some_college's_ Hall, buggered off home, after just this very brief scouting soiree

[18:31 PM] Pope Gregory IX showed Colonel Mustard (Harry Robinson) why man does not live on bread alone...
Pope Gregory IX reports:

He had done it. He had killed a man. Now, truly, he was an assassin. His first kill had been an easy one. Seeing Harry Robinson calmly queuing for dinner, it was a simple matter to sneak up on him and stab him in the back. He liked to think that he killed for a purpose, to spread a message. In this case the message was clear: never eat.

[21:00 PM] HOOOOOOOOOOOOO!, Judge Dread?
Judge Dread reports:

The condemned cowered in their chambers as darkness fell, their fates sealed by their own ignominy. This city is afraid of me, I've seen its true face. Once more I rode out, to protect the weak, and punish the wicked for their crimes.

As night clothed the world in a paul of silence, I waited. Death was the sentence, and death they would receive. Presently the guilty could be heard ascending to his lair, and I cursed the fickle goddess of Fortune, for though my opportunity was there laid out in terms of black and white, yet with a cruel and dextrous hands she had woven into my tapestry a sudden necessity to rid myself of unspeakable evil, and the cannons could not wait.

I decided to enter into his lair and gun him down where he sat, in his throne of decadence and deception. But the door to the chamber lay guarded by invisible, evil spirits. The way was shut. The hammer has not yet fallen, but I will get you HOOOOOOOOOOOOO!, I will find you and make you pay for your crimes. Judge Dread.

[21:30 PM] Raspberry Skelter and it's all downhill and a bit sticky for Peter Sutcliffe (Richard Cole)
Raspberry Skelter reports:

Raspberry Skelter sword his foresworn enema wandering idly towards his room and prompty remembered his corpse. Richard Cole was rendered completely and utterly leechless by his unforeseen death. "Just in the tick of nime" Raspberry Skelter grabbled, "all this thumb twiddling was making me quite discontent. But at last I can stumble to my rest."

Peter Sutcliffe reports:

Hiding out in the stronghold of _unspecified_, I felt safe enough to bide my time and wait for my targets to grow complacent. But I myself did, and when I left to scavenge for supplies, was shot in the back by a raving lunatic who had no honour.

Thursday, 4 February

[10:00 AM] Door2Door Salesman catches up with Mr. About-four-o'clock-in-the-afternoon (Michael Sargent)
Door2Door Salesman reports:

I actually got where he would be going wrong (yes, very unprofessional). Ended up running down the road very conspicuously to have my appointment with him. He was blending in well, walking calmly among the innocents. He got distracted for a brief second, knife strayed into his back.

Mr. About-four-o'clock-in-the-afternoon reports:

Revenge is a fickle thing, never there whe nyou want it. Today, after being given the contract to avenge a fallen comrade of mine I that I had been hoping for, when I was so close to success, I was mercilessly stabbed in the back, victory slipping away like breath from my lungs. The last thought on my mind was, for some reason, "I am the queeeen of fraaance...".

[13:00 PM] Binary Assassin disapproves of life. The Manic Moleman (David Marc Jones) dies, and Inspector Gadget is corrupt by stabbing an illegitimate target
Binary Assassin reports:

0100001001100101011101110110000101110010011001010010000001110100011010000110010100100000011000100110110001100001011001 0001100101001000000110111101100110001000000111010001101000011001010010000001100010011000010110001101101011001011010111 001101110100011000010110001001100010011010010110111001100111001000000110111001101111011011110110001000101110

The Umpire would like to note that players should read the rules!

For taking the law into his own hands (and getting it wrong) Michael Darling is corrupt!

[13:20 PM] Baron of bunny cannot find the Michelangelo or Leonardo. Suggest he tries the fitz?

[15:17 PM] The ASNaC enjoys mutilating The Manic Molemans corpse (David Marc Jones)
The ASNaC reports:

But not as much as I enjoyed HIS MUM'S CORPSE.

[18:00 PM] Batman takes out S.a.l.o (Lise McNally)
Batman reports:

Despite the chaos consuming Gotham city, it's fortunate that The Riddler has so far remained trapped behind bars in Arkham Asylum. However, although he is the most notorious, The Riddler is certainly not the only trickster to plague the streets of Gotham.
She goes by the name of S.a.l.o, but whether that's her real name, none know. It's said that she once managed to steal money from three banks at once, without ever moving the money. She tricked the bank owners into doing it FOR her.
She has nothing to do with the Gang war on the streets, but she knows information. And she is not one to let an opportunity pass her by. There are three people that she needs dead, and in the midst of this turmoil, no-one will notice three more lives...

But she has been found.

S.a.l.o prides herself on her ability to hide. In the darkness of a forgotten corner of Gotham City, there is a derelict hotel. Very rare sources put her in the second room from the stairs, but even these are wrong.
She actually lives in the next room along.
And The Dark Knight is not known as the World's Greatest Detective for no reason.

He strikes.

With S.a.l.o subdued, and with a beacon at his location in order to summon the Police, Batman removes the hard drive from her computer before returning to the batcave.

On it, he will find the name of the person who slew the mayor. The person who started this Gang War.
And he will find signs of the people that mean to end it, and Gotham, in one fell swoop.
The League of Shadows has returned.

The Umpire would like to note that No Water means No Water, both for the people attacking a room and the people inside it.

[20:00 PM] Somebody needs H.E.L.P. to find Binary Assassin

Friday, 5 February

[11:00 AM] Sam Tyler takes down the corrupt Inspector Gadget
Sam Tyler reports:

My name is Sam Tyler. I had an accident and I woke up in Cambridge. Am I mad, in a coma, or doing a physics degree? Whatever's happened, it's like I've landed on a different planet...maybe if I can find out the reason, I can get home. The report came in last night of a bent copper who had become rather overzealous of late in the execution of his duties. In the hopes of finding answers to my mysterious past, I made haste to apprehend this mysterious fiend in front of his lecture hall. While on stakeout duty, I noticed a suspicious looking guy leaving the lecture, almost at a run, as if someone was trying to kill him. Fearing that interrogation would lead to no avail, I unfortunately had to down the target with several rounds from my trusty revolver. The target's last action on this Earth was to throw a final knife, which has left a nasty cut in my ankle, but all in all, a rather successful outing, with no unseemingly hallucinations and visitations from the test card girl whatsoever.

[13:00 PM] Osaka Seafood Concern tries to offer saki to Drunken Phantom, but fails to convince him
Osaka Seafood Concern reports:

Lurked outside Drunken Phantom's lecture today. Didn't see him.

[14:15 PM] Commissioner Jim Gordon falls in the course of duty, but purges Drunken Phantom (Alex Lodge)'s drinking habit. Baron of bunny remains aloof
Commissioner Jim Gordon reports:

Commissioner Jim Gordon was just about to head home after a long shift, when he encountered an old friend and reformed criminal turned Police Officer, now retired, one ex-PC Weaver. They decided to take one last walk around their old beat, chatting about the good old days when men were men and absailed out of windows to massacre groups trying to bring them to justice. Not like the soft criminals these days. Hearing a sudden commotion from a known home-brewery and drug hang-out, Commissioner Jim Gordon drew his gun and rushed to the scene. As he charged up the stairs of the tenement his tired but accute senses spotted a red dot hovering near his head, and as he drew his gun and fired, striking the sniper straight in the forehead, the return bullet shattered into his chest and hurled him to the floor. Was this the end of Commissioner Jim Gordon?

Saturday, 6 February

[11:20 AM] The Borg is clearly not an art historian, as he cannot find Leonardo or Michelangelo
The Borg reports:

Today The Borg went on a search for people to assimilate but were left wanting.

At about 11.20 The Borg eventually managed to infiltrate the ship of their targets. Using nano technology, and a not properly shut door, they found the rooms of the people they wanted to add to the collective. Disappointingly neither Leonardo nor Michelangelo were in and they left empty handed.

[12:00 PM] Captain Cephalopod kills some artists - Michelangelo (Eugene Geidelberg) and Leonardo (James Hay). FYI I am a Spy arrives too late to join in the fun..
Michelangelo reports:

While preparing lunch, The Boy Wonder slew me where I stood. My comrade was also unfortunately struck down. As soon as the assailant entered the kitchen, I knew he was a copper. I could see it from his eyes. About 20 minutes later, another assassin, FYI I am a Spy shot me thrice. Upon revealing my death prior to this event, he was much perturbed; he proceeded to slay the corpse next door. After an exchange of words and plums, he left, with naught but his dignity.

FYI I am a Spy reports:

It seems my plans have been foiled by the police force. After deciding to indulge in a spot of incobashing, I headed off to the evil fortress of a pair of criminal masterminds - Michelangelo and Leonardo. But after sneaking into the building in question, I discovered something was wrong. Very wrong. The locks had been broken open. Blood spattered the walls. Undeterred, I stormed into the first room, firing at every Michelangelo shaped thing I could see. Yet all I found was a corpse sitting at a desk, a half-finished report to the umpire on the screen of a computer. It seemed I was minutes too late. Fearing the worst, I rushed off to the room of the second target, Leonardo. Breaking into his room and firing at him, I discovered that he too had already been hit merely minutes before. It seemed that he was trying to send a report to the umpire before succumbing to his mortal wounds. With his dying breath, he entrusted a pair of knives and a plum to me.

[14:00 PM] Cecil Roberts cant find Pappus
Cecil Roberts reports:

Today I visited Pappus. I found his accommodation, but sadly was not able to gain access. He didn't seem to be present and the door was rather unfortunately locked. It might have even been him cycling past just as I turned up, but it looks like I won't find that one out today.

[15:30 PM] Septima om nomed cake instead of Om nom nom nom
Septima reports:

Lurked about outside the residence of Om nom nom nom for a while this afternoon, about 3.30. Clearly I picked a bad time as no one was around to inadvertently let me in. Gave up and decided to go home and drown my sorrows in cake.

[16:00 PM] Tristan Maxwell and Professor of love join in the popular arts tour du jour
Professor of love reports:

Busy day, today! First of all we (Me and Tristan) went after Leonardo but no matter how hard we knocked he failed to be in his room. Better luck next time! Later that day...
We confronted the Michelangelo, however he claimed to already have been killed (twice), so we decided to leave his corpse in peace.
As usual, Tristan manages to show me up. However, I can smell blood.....
Professor of Luuuuurve

Tristan Maxwell reports:

The Professor of love and I tried today to take down targets today.
First on the list was Leonardo - he was away unfortunately, and so lives for another day before the bullet of Tristan Maxwell pierces his heart. Our next target - Michelangelo - was a bit luckier, having already lost his life to another killer. At least he didn't have to know fear like the others have...

[20:00 PM] The Zombies (Premchand Brian) got et by Street savoir-faire
Street savoir-faire reports:

Sir, I did not stop in the name of the law. I did not hold up my hands and go quietly. Officer The Zombies attempted to accost me at my hideout this evening. His incompetence cost him his life. "Are you The Man Who Keeps Touching My Arse?" he asked. "Nay", says I, the door slamming. He should pay more attention to open upstairs windows and the dart guns aimed out of them. They have a habit of talking to his neck. Kapeesh?

For shooting someone who, whilst was acting assassin-ish-ly, was not bearing or being directly threatening, Street savoir-faire is now wanted!

The Zombies reports:

We knoked on Street savoir-faire door but he say he not Street savoir-faire. He then shot off our head. Dam. But not befour we left a note

Sunday, 7 February

[09:00 AM] "That One Guy" goes a-hunting

[14:20 PM] The Borg buzzes and whirrs around the homes of Dergeilehase and Moby Dickhead but cannot destroy their weak, fleshy bodies
The Borg reports:

At about 2.20 The Borg went out to find people to assimilate but sadly neither Moby Dickhead nor Dergeilehase were attainable. Although there was some suspicious movement at one location the technology protecting them was unbreakable and The Borg left empty handed.

[16:00 PM] Commissioner Jim Gordon on sick leave takes two mysterious individuals to the abode of Grey Squirrel
Commissioner Jim Gordon on sick leave reports:

Making the most of his still tender condition, Commissioner Jim Gordon on sick leave caught up on paperwork at the GCPD offices. The unexpected visit of a mysterious inspector and a phantom figure unsettled him, but he holstered his gun and hobbled off to show them around. Their short venture into the tenements was unsuccessful, but the two figures seemed satisfied enough and vanished. Commissioner Jim Gordon on sick leave wondered if the medication they were giving him was causing these hallucinations, but decided it would be best to stay quiet.

[17:00 PM] Mario takes out Magumbo (Esther Nicoll)
Mario reports:

Upon knocking on Magumbo's door, I was able to feed her a story of woe about food being stolen from the kitchen (which was true, but only when applied to the kitchen at my own college). After her opening the door further than the "just a crack" stage, I hit her with a nerf fireball. While feeling that I should treat my corpses right and her having missed out on operation brownie, I gave her a Creme Egg.


[20:00 PM] Osaka Seafood Concern narrowly escapes extinction at the hands of Pappus
Pappus reports:

It seemed all so easy as my target walked up unwittingly. A quick stab, and I expected to see Osaka Seafood Concern fall dead in front of me. Unfortunately I had failed to consider the forcefield of invulnerability he had just crossed. The knife was no more deadly than a cheap pen, and the words 'Out of Bounds' flashed mockingly in front of my eyes.

Monday, 8 February

[08:50 AM] Grey Squirrels are well camoflaged. Pierre Dubois cant find this one!
Pierre Dubois reports:

At approximately 8.50 I began surveillance near the accommodation of one Grey Squirrel, with a view to killing him should he commit the heinous crime of attending a 9am lecture. Alas, as I was attempting to ascertain whether he was awake, one of his neighbours came out of their room. My nefarious intent was impossible to conceal and as I tried to slink away the good neighbour could be heard warning him of my presence. Operating on unfamiliar ground with an alert target and no photo, the odds had definitely shifted against me, so I beat a hasty retreat to plan my next move.

[13:05 PM] "That One Guy" is not found by The Betrayed
The Betrayed reports:

I went out in search of "That One Guy" again today. At about 1:05 this afternoon I got to where he lives. I waited outside for a while, and although I saw one or two people go in and out, none of them were him, I spoke to one of them who aid they didn't think he was in. So I waited a bit longer in hope but there was no sign of him so I left for lucnh.

[13:45 PM] Charlie - "I have no need of a pseudonym cos, while I am not going wanted, I will likely die to some very lame crossfire on the first Incobash" - the Unicorn has a lucky escape from The ASNaC
The ASNaC reports:

The ASNaC marauded up and down *unspecified target*'s street today, but found nothing to thrust his battleaxe into :(

[15:00 PM] Septima finds neither Om nom nom nom, Anne Bonney, nor Moby Dickhead.
Septima reports:

Attempted to catch Moby Dickhead coming out of his lecture, but was sadly delayed by an unfortunate incident with a door. And a key. Which was on the wrong side of the door. Forced to make my way to my target on foot, I was too late to catch him, and wandered around his home department to no avail. The residences of Om nom nom nom and Anne Bonney were similarly successful.

[15:00 PM] Tithe My Wok, HOOOOOOOOOOOOO!?
Tithe My Wok reports:

I (in the company of an accomplice) strolled off through town. We visited and lurked in various locations, primarily near the room of one HOOOOOOOOOOOOO!, but with no success, despite trying their door, waiting in their staircase, loitering outside, and interposing ourselves between that building and their cafeteria.

[17:00 PM] Commissioner Jim Gordon on sick leave makes a fossil of Dr Dinosaur
Commissioner Jim Gordon on sick leave reports:

It felt good to be back on the beat. The doctors had taken their time and several operations to bring him back to health, but now Commissioner Jim Gordon on sick leave had been given a clean bill of health and could bring down some more of the scummy inhabitants of this city.
As he approached the door of one nefarious individual, the old adrenaline rushed through his system again. Nothing had really changed since his first raid as a young officer, maybe just the experience he brought with him. As he tried the door, he realised he had been incautious. Behind him lay stairs, in front what looked to be a dead end. A voice called out: 'Who is it?' Thinking fast, and not wanting to be trapped, Commissioner Jim Gordon on sick leave retreated down two flights of steps loudly, then stopped and quietly returned up one flight.
He positioned himself so he was able to get a clean shot on the door, without being visible to its spy hole. As the dastardly Dr Dinosaur emerged, gun first, he blasted him, and hurled himself down the stairs to avoid the return fire, as bullets whistled over his head. The thud from above as his target hit the ground was almost as satisfying as his perfect landing. Battered, old and bruised, Commissioner Jim Gordon on sick leave still had it.
The most amusing part of all this is that the sweet, innocent young lady Commissioner Jim Gordon on sick leave used to sweet-talk his way into the building turned out to be Philip Hubbard's next door neighbour and girlfriend. I hope the chocolate makes up for this cruel irony...

[17:30 PM] Commissioner Jim Gordon on sick leave attempts to cull Gotham City's villains, but is prevented by one of his own men, William Keen. Anne Bonney cowers.

For clear and obvious assistance and protection of an incompetent player, Will Keen is corrupt... again. Some people never learn...

Zem, the One True Mattress Overlord reports:

Had a brief encounter with the Duke, searching my staircase on his foolhardy quest for a working fountain pen. Things got a little hairy when he saw an old enemy of his, but I diffused the situation by offering him half-price on selected ball-points. He left a simultaneously satisfied and dissatisfied customer, like some kind of big flouncy quantum thing.

Commissioner Jim Gordon on sick leave reports:

Of all my men, I never suspected him of such foul depravity. Such a shame. Such a waste of a nice young officer.

Anne Bonney reports:

Wonderful aromas of scented cabbage and spiced rum wafted from the buttery, but Anne Bonney was late, and she hurriedly put on her boots and tricorn hat, reached for the cabin-door, opened it hurriedly and -
"Yarr, Anne, get ye back in yer cabin!" "In ye gaw, in ye gaw!"
-And her crew mates on the corridor slammed the wooden ship door on her immediately. She blinked in surprise at what she had seen. Not only her anguished pirate-friends' faces, but also a glimpse of Joshua Blanchard Lewis, here to destroy her in the wake of her own incompetence. At first rather surprised that he had managed to navigate so deep into the fortress of her ship, her surprise soon moved to the fact that her friend who knew this assassin's identity had actually brought him in freely. Mutiny!
Regardless, once the sea-horizons were clear, Anne Bonney emerged from the cabin, and she and her ship-mate Esther went below decks to the Buttery for dinner, consumed by paranoia, with several look-outs as security.
"Arr, I canny have much more of this", she said, "I needs to find my sea-farin' self some competence" "Aye!" Cried Esther jubilantly.
They set the ship onto the northwest bearing, and sailed to another college to hunt out another incompetent, [P4]. Gaining access to the fortified ship was only possible under the cover of "needing to get to a supervision". Once on board however, it was easy to find the quarters of this buccaneer.
But knocking on his door brought no effect. Nor did attempting to open the door manually. Disappointed, Anne Bonney left a note and they travelled back to their flagship. By canon.

[17:40 PM] HOOOOOOOOOOOOO!? God? No, but Pope Gregory IX cant find him either
Pope Gregory IX reports:

At around 5:40pm today I traveled to the dwelling of the incompetent player HOOOOOOOOOOOOO!. However, he was clever enough to keep his door locked and so I opted for a tactical retreat.

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