Cloak & Dagger The Assassins' Guild - Week 1 News

Monday, 25 January

[19:00 PM] The game begins!

The game has begun - get out and kill your targets!

[22:10 PM] Premchand Brian (bah)-kstabbed by Judge Dread!
bah reports:

After freezing outside the building for half an hour, my target finally emerged. "Are you Judge Dread?" I asked, and he confirmed his identity. I lunged forwards to strike with my blade, but hesitated... He was smiling nervously, looking over my shoulder. Something was amiss, but before I could gather my thoughts, a fatal round struck me in the back! As I fell, I turned and saw my killer loom over me, his dread afro blotting out the stars, a cello the size of Parker's Piece in one hand and a smoking gun in the other. "He was a decoy, I'm the real Judge Dread..."

[23:00 PM] The universe has expired! Colin McSwiggen (Cosmc) is killed by Pyrimidine
Pyrimidine reports:

The dastardly rascal didn't even bother to lock his door.

Tuesday, 26 January

[10:00 AM] The Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal does not find Earth's hunting to its satisfaction
The Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal reports:

The Bugblatter Beast snarled forlornly as it turned its back on what could have been some fine pre-elevenses nibbles. It had been craving a little Jobi with BARON HUMBUCK chaser for a while now, and the disappointment stuck in its throat like a poorly masticated Arcturian mega-whale skeleton. "I really ought to get that looked at," pondered the Beast, if Bugblatter Beasts do ponder.
The first issue had come when the Beast couldn't fit through the doorway to its first target. Being a huge fan of 15th Century English architecture, he didn't want to force his way through at the risk of structural damage. "Grashn'gaa horggnn frurgle mizz-ganthroq," it cursed out loud, much to the chagrin of the unfortunate Porter tasked with the unenviable job of politely asking the Bugblatter to leave. "Excuse me, beast... er... Mr Blatter? Excuse me? Could I possibly ask you to..."
At this point the Beast decided that this little man had become an annoyance, and promptly gobbled him up. "That'll teach him to wear a red tie with a white jumper," thought the beast, smacking his lips and wiping his hands on the nearby lawn. "Too much contrast can really ruin an outfit." The Bugblatter is well-reputed for its good eye for stylish attire.
After this (and some teleporting around searching for target number two, but to no avail), the Beast sighed a heavy, snarly sigh, that sounded like a JCB running over a Grizzly Bear. It remembered the Land Economy supervision work it had due in for that afternoon and began the long trudge home, back to Traal.

[17:15 PM] Barry Scott does not have much luck with mythical creatures.
Charlie - "I have no need of a pseudonym cos, while I am not going wanted, I will likely die to some very lame crossfire on the first Incobash" - the Unicorn reports:

In the half-hour lull between my Tuesday afternoon supervision commitments, I took the liberty of engaging in a spot of RandR at my room, and to switch one Futhark essay for another in my rucksack. Almost too coincidentally, I was contacted by the resident theologian in my building, informing me a certain someone was here to see me and that he had proceeded to let him in.
With the doors hastily locked, and my Kalashnikov slung over my shoulder [in case this veritable foe had come equipped with more than a bruised banana-labelled-gun], I enjoyed a friendly chat with my visitor, who claimed to be "Barry Scott" and hailing from the mystical land of Place_unknown.
After informing him that his powers of deception [and lockpicking too, evidently] were lacking "Barry Scott" departed empty-handed with a curt farewell. I waited a few extra minutes before moving on to my aforementioned appointments, and rather smoothly escaped with my life... and my kidney.
Postscriptum: shameless plug for

Barry Scott reports:

Made an attempt on Charlie - "I have no need of a pseudonym cos, while I am not going wanted, I will likely die to some very lame crossfire on the first Incobash" - the Unicorn. Successfully 'charmed' my way into his flat, and then was brought to the door of my proposed victim. Said victim was not deceived by my admittedly rather half-hearted attempts at pretending not to be his killer, and then bade me good luck for the next attempt. Which there will be one, I'll make sure of it.

[18:45 PM] James Shaw (Pierre Dubois) didn't think nocturnal duck would be so wide awake
nocturnal duck reports:

I returned from dinner to find a strange man lurking outside my door.
I ducked back into the kitchen to give me time to draw my gun, and as I shot through the gap in the doorway he bolted, so I chased him down the corridor only to shoot him twice, first removing his arm, then his body, leaving him on the staircase while my innocent neighbour looked on in amusement.

[20:20 PM] The gentleman with the thistle-down hair reminisced about a Aaron Miles (Ted E. Baer) he once pwnd
The gentleman with the thistle-down hair reports:

"My dear Stephen," said the gentleman with the thistle-down hair, "I have recently discovered that my despicable enemies have chosen this term to make attempts to kill me."
"Oh! I am very surprized to hear that, sir," said Stephen.
"It would appear that there are quite considerable numbers involved in this plot, and at least three are seeking me out at this very moment," said the gentleman, who appeared not to have heard. "To my great irritation, they are also concealing their identities, and it will be a rather tedious process to reveal them."
"Have you had any success in finding out who they are, sir?"
"Ah! Yes, indeed I have - or rather, who one of them was. I determined that one of these base characters, who went by the name of Ted E. Baer, was lodging in a room in -" (he named the college in question) "-and so I visited him with the intent of asking him certain questions."
Stephen asked the gentleman how the exchange with Ted E. Baer had gone, but he had an awful suspicion of what had happened.
"I met with something of an inconvenience," replied the gentleman. "He died before answering any of the questions, which I found nothing short of insulting. Perhaps the spell I used on him had a rather stronger than usual effect; he was, after all, quite frail, and he was after all asleep when I found him."
"Was it strictly necessary to kill him, sir?"
"It was entirely his own fault that he died! Although, on reflection, I would have killed him afterwards if his answers had displeased me. But that is an entirely different matter!"
"I am sure your judgement is sound on this matter, sir, but... what manner of spell did you use upon Ted E. Baer?"
"Since you ask, it was a spell of exsanguination. It reminds me of a time some years ago in Allendale..."

Wednesday, 27 January

[14:00 PM] Mr Moore (Peter William Hatfield) is no more, Tristan Maxwell exterminates him
Professor of love reports:

So me and ma buddy, Tristan Maxwell, just happened to be walking through mystery_college_A and just happened to knock on the door of one Peter William Hatfield, my accomplice's target. He opened the door on the first knock and my dear friend Tristan took that exact moment to slip, plunging his odd looking knife deep into the sanguine heart of poor Peter. Accidents happen. Oh well.
Lots of love, The Professor.

Tristan Maxwell reports:

Today seemed like a good day for someone to die. Who's the lucky guy you ask? Well, this time it was Mr. Peter William Hatfield. I didn't get to ask him if he wanted to go on living - I was too busy plunging my knife into his chest as soon as he opened his door. It's his own fault really: if you enjoy life, you shouldn't get yourself on Tristan Maxwell's hitlist. This time, I even brought the Professor of love with me. I rather like showing off my killing prowess...

[14:10 PM] Jules Winnfield (Dan Baker) is not made of win. Dan Gleeballs is gleeful.
Jules Winnfield reports:

The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by *gets shot*

[17:37 PM] Stilgar decided not to Fear the Reaper (James Hardman) and shot him instead
Stilgar reports:

Roused from my work by a knock at the door I fell down the stairs; in a state of disarray and confusion I opened the door. After a brief glance at my assailant I confirmed that I did not know him, so dispensing with pleasantries and noticing he was armed, I shot him.

Fear the Reaper reports:

It is with great regret that I must inform you of the early demise of 'Fear the Reaper'. Outwitted by his cunning opponent, he fell in the line of psychopathic duty. (PS I guess the song was right - you really shouldn't fear the reaper. Shooting him in the back of the head as he comes in through the door to get you really helps to overcome such phobias...)

[20:50 PM] The Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal (William Keen) got PimpSlaped
The Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal reports:

"GRAAANGGK! GHAARRRL! SCRICHKEMBLAGENFREGGENABEN ZOURGCFBDGREJKZJZJZJZ!" laughed the Bugblatter Beast as it fended off another blow from its would-be assailant, PimpSlap. As it was trying to relax in a local Maths-Bistro, playing some relaxed Brockian Ultra-Cricket with its friends Slartibartfast and Eccentrica Gallumbits, the triple-breasted whore of Eroticon VI, a vile little man with a poor hairstyle and lacklustre choice in weaponry strolled through the door and tried to stab the Beast. Obviously nobody had told him about its impenetrable skin.
The Beast began to laugh so hard, it shed asbestos tears from its lead-lined eyelids. Comedrool (which is like normal drool, but only happens when you're laughing) started seeping out of the Bugblatter's many mouths, so much so that it had to wipe at least six of them with one of its beak-tentacles.
But, he was persistent. What began as a laughable failure grew and escalated into an annoyance. Everywhere the Beast went, he was there with his little implement, poking away at the Durasteel plating coating the Beast's hide. After several earth-hours had passed, the Beast thought it might try the civil approach to get this fellow to give over, owing to the fact it had already eaten a 9-course meal consisting largely of Arcturian Mega-Donkey at St John's formal earlier (it had even broken out the Tux, which it had to get tailor-made owing to the Beast's number of limbs being complex).
"You there, little man, stop your poking, will you?" asked the Beast, after forcing a Babel-Fish in the lad's ear.
"Shan't!" replied the lad, obnoxiously and precociously at the same time. Little did he know that the combination of obnoxiousity and precouciousitude were the Beast's one true weakness. Upon hearing the reply, the Beast did the only thing it could to avoid the next knife-blow being fatal. It dimension shifted through improbability space, and ended up as a happy Mattress on Squornshellous Zeta and met a splendid robot companion with an interesting story to tell.
The practical upshot of all this is that the Beast vanished at the next strike, appearing to all as if vanquished. But it had not yet fulfilled its true purpose on Earth, before the building of the Hyperspace Bypass. It would be back soon, stronger than before. The people of Earth hailed PimpSlap as a hero. Soon they would see, pondered the now-Mattress. Soon, they will all see!

PimpSlap reports:

At around 9pm this evening I killed William Keen, the famous assassin. I made my first attempt to kill him at about 8.30pm. I went to his gyp room, expecting him to be hanging out in there, but had to come up with an excuse for visiting when I realised he wasn't there. A little nervous that I might have been found out, I retired to my lair. After regrouping my thoughts, I went straight to my target's room, armed with a banana gun and some knives. He allowed me to enter his room, and I got close to him by beginning to ask a question, then stabbed him in the heart. He was very angry that I had spoiled his fun, and he said, menacingly, "How could you break the pact?" I said I didn't care, either because im not that bothered about assassins, or because I am a killing machine. We shall see, we shall see...

Thursday, 28 January

[10:00 AM] "That One Guy" didnt get one guy. Or two.
"That One Guy" reports:

I attempted to kill Street savoir-faire, but he wasn't around and the door was locked; then I attempted to kill The ASNaC but the door to the living complex was also locked. The ASNaC was in, but after waiting like an hour, I got bored and left (plus I have lectures)

[11:05 AM] Who could shoot a poor cuddly Tardigrade (Nathan James)? Why, Binary Assassin of course!
Binary Assassin reports:

010001000110010101100001011101000110100000100000011100110111011101101111011011110111000001110011001000000111010101110 000011011110110111000100000011101000110100001101111011100110110010100100000011101110110100001101111001000000110110001 1001010110000101110011011101000010000001100101011110000111000001100101011000110111010000100000011010010111010000101110

[13:50 PM] Level up! Mario defeats Dan Gleeballs (Thomas Alexander).
Mario reports:

I was on one of my daily strolls picking up coins and eating strange mushrooms, and who should come up behind me but the evil koopa Dan Gleeballs. Giving him a few moments to lull him into a false sense of security, I turned around and blew his head off with my Wii Remote(TM) gun. However, unlike my dear friend Link, I am unable to gain extra life from such events.

Dan Gleeballs reports:

I cycled innocently to a group project meeting today, discussing cambridge matters with a colleague, when, as if from nowhere (or in fact, several feet in front of me), a skilfully wielded Wii remote appeared in front of my head, with a blood-curdling cry of "Bang!".

[15:22 PM] 'Thunderchild' lurks to no avail.
'Thunderchild' reports:

At 1522 'Thunderchild' and FYI I am a Spy began intelligence operations in the vicinity of _place_removed_. Precise locations of residence of two targets were identified and a third localised within a building. Until 1545 operations continued without direct confrontation being initiated by the insurgence team. Despite photographic intel having been acquired relating to both, no sightings of targets "That One Guy" or Baron of bunny were made and due to risk of identification by public the operations ceased at 1545.

[15:30 PM] Another attempt, but this time Colonel Mustard was not the would-be murderer
The Haiku Murderer reports:

On our way to a supervision, Barry Scott and I decided to pay a visit to the abode of Colonel Mustard with the intention of stopping by for a spot of tea and murder. Sadly, he had most rudely decided to leave his door locked, stopping us dead in our tracks. Knowing full well that time was running short, we reluctantly abandoned the hunt.

Friday, 29 January

[09:45 AM] Miss Alicia Danks spots a suspcious looking character
Alicia Danks reports:

I saw Mr Coryan Wilson-Shah today. He was wearing a hat. He seemed to be attempting to leave the country.

[10:00 AM] Dominic Carr runs away for a bit

The Umpire would like to note that Dominic Carr is still in bounds whilst on Jailbreak.

Dominic Carr reports:

Imma run away on jailbreak! Assassins all scare me. BRB.

[14:00 PM] Japanese mafia moves in as Osaka Seafood Concern kills Donatello (William Turner)
Donatello reports:

Osaka Seafood Concern entered my room and as I turned around I was hit in the back by a rubber band.

Osaka Seafood Concern reports:

I demonstrated to William Turner that browsing Facebook, especially with your back to an unlocked door, can be extremely hazardous to your health.

[14:11 PM] 'Thunderchild' lurks again!
'Thunderchild' reports:

14h11 29/01/2010 'Thunderchild' entered _Unspecified_College_ to track down Cecil Roberts. His room was identified within minutes and the "Out" status on the college residence board ignored as a decoy. Unfortunately upon reaching the room in question it was found locked and silent within, suggesting the decoy may infact have been authentic. Needless to say no kill was made and the attempt aborted.

[15:00 PM] How's that for Danger Close? Closer than you think, as Joe Reed goes wanted for killing an innocent.

Report by the innocent:

After leaving my lecture today on neuroscience, at New Mueseums site, at a notable bike shed, I meet a certain Joe Reed. "Be careful out there, Joe..." He seemed startled and nervous.
"Are you playing?" comes the reply.
"Maybe I am, maybe I'm not."
His hand immediately goes into his coat. He begins to twitch. The paranoia has already taken hold.
Joe Reed shouts: "Should I kill him, HOOOOOOOOOOOOO!?"
HOOOOOOOOOOOOO!'s reply: "Yes."
Joe Reed pulls out an RBG and fires. It jams. I laugh.
My friend requests help to get his bike out of a tangle. I help him. Joe Reed fiddles with his RBG.
The bike is untangled and I turn to say goodbye to Joe. He fires again. It jams. I laugh.
My friend and I walk off. Joe Reed eventually meets us, and puts an RBG to my chest. He fires. It hits me. I laugh. My friend looks mystified. I laugh some more.

[16:00 PM] BARON HUMBUCK kills David John Frederick Brooks ('Big Dave')

A minute after the BARON HUMBUCK arrived to stake out 'Big Dave''s place, he appeared out of nowhere. A bit suspicious and a bit surprised, the BARON HUMBUCK took advantage of this moment and quick drew his weapon, shooting 'Big Dave' down.

[16:00 PM] H.E.L.P. I need somebody, H.E.L.P. not just anybody.. Mario and Baron of bunny in fact..
H.E.L.P. reports:

Attempt made on Baron of bunny and Mario around 4pm today... Neither of them were at home.

[17:00 PM] A Dread-ful attempt by Mr. About-four-o'clock-in-the-afternoon
Mr. About-four-o'clock-in-the-afternoon reports:

Today, I went to a "friendly" visit to a Mr. Judge Dread, but I was somewhat late, and in spite of my namesake I was almost an hour overdue by the time that I arrived. I had decided earlier that, from what I could gather, the seeing to such a meagre individual would not constitute a large use of time, so I felt as if I was in no hurry. Alas, by the time I reached the lodgings, I noticed that the security had vastly improved since my last visit (no doubt because OF my last visit, they do so hate messy stains) and I could no longer simply stroll in the front door any more. Now, I am not one to be deterred by such a minor distraction, for a locked door (yes, they really went all out on those security measures) poses about as much of a challenge to me as someone holding their hand over their eyes so that I "cannot see them nyaa nyaa nyaa" to quote a previous "acquaintance" of mine, a man rather removed from the burdens of sanity (and now breathing, also). Now, I would easily have strolled up the side of the building as if it were an open road, seeing as I received top marks in edificeering during my day, but unfortunately such a stroll would no doubt have been somewhat conspicuous, seeing as I came unprepared for such an eventuality the local bledlows may have spotted me, and I would rather come back another day with time wasted than consider the possibility that such an individual may ever see me about my business, it would lack style.

[18:00 PM] Pope Gregory IX didnt kill The Radio Star
Pope Gregory IX reports:

Yesterday, I traveled a great many miles to the room of The Radio Star. However, on arrival I found an intricate security system capable of stopping even the most masterful of ninjas (a locked door). My next plan would need to be even more devious...

[18:40 PM] Not suprisingly, nocturnal ducks are hard to find in the dark.
Cecil Roberts reports:

I went to try and assassinate nocturnal duck today. I got to his room but sadly he was absent and his door locked. I waited in his doorway for 20 minutes, but he didn't appear. Maybe next time?!

Saturday, 30 January

[00:10 AM] Dread-fully sorry Raphael
Judge Dread reports:

Late at night, whilst the moon cut the air like a surgeon's scalpel, I hunted. Jumping over a wall, with the aid of a bin, filled with the stink of a thousand ages, I slinked into his College, with the swish of my black nylon cape. I crept up the stairs to my victim's room, and with a flash, wrenched the door handle down and applied my shoulder to the strain. The door did not move. The music in the room stopped. I heard the ominous click of a gun being cocked. I heard the rustle as a fearful eye peered gingerly through the peep hole. I ran. Pausing only to howl at the moon in anguish of my failure, I leapt back over the wall, missed the bin, and was sent sprawling into the road. Raphael, you live on, but not for much longer.

[11:30 AM] Pappus and Dr Dinosaur found no life on earth
Dr Dinosaur reports:

Revenge is a dish best served 65 MILLION YEARS later!!!!! You mammals thought you had had the last laugh, eh? How wrong you are! You think Humans are clever? I am a genius! You can't even achieve time travel, and you call your civilisation advanced?! I will be doing a service to the planet when I WIPE YOU ALL OUT! Just as you did to my species! The Very Bad Tuesday will be revisited upon you 217-fold!!!! If you doubt me, just look what I did to the robot!: And I will do the SAME to you! If any of you pathetic creatures will actually come out and face me...

Pappus reports:

We headed to the abode of the wanted criminal Joe Reed. He appeared not to be at home, so after some lurking we departed. We then proceeded to the abode of my target The Betrayed, but could not gain entry. On to another unspecified accomodation block, but after lurking for a quarter of an hour still no entry was gained. It was then decided that the only thing going to be assassinated today was my lunch.

[12:00 PM] Door2Door Salesman didnt find the Grey Squirrel. Perhaps he doesnt have a door?
Door2Door Salesman reports:

I only wanted to say 'Hello'. Give him a hug and just a quick friendly jab...

[12:00 PM] Mario gets the wrong castle..
Mario reports:

I had received a tip-off that a certain Scubbo would be leaving his [[unspecified subject]] lectures at this time of day. I decided to try and catch him, but after waiting for a while, he was nowhere to be found. He must've been in another castle.

[12:22 PM] 'Thunderchild' makes another attempt on Cecil Roberts
'Thunderchild' reports:

12h22 Thunderchild infiltrated the residency of Cecil Roberts. Target was found asleep with his door locked. After attempts to enter and knocking failed attempt was aborted. Thunderchild

[12:30 PM] Pope Gregory IX cant find The ASNaC

[13:00 PM] Stilgar kills Shluf
Stilgar reports:

During a brief interlude in a busy schedule I and another member of the feydakin went on an assassination mission against the Harkonnen agents said to be in the near vicinity. Having infiltrated the site and, eventually, found the relevant room it became clear that security was incredibly lax. I wandered in the open door to find my target mostly asleep on his bed and taking advantage of this I killed him.

[13:30 PM] The Door2Door Salesman was not in, unsurprisingly
The Manic Moleman reports:

I made an attempt at killing Door2Door Salesman today, although after penetrating his college, finding his staircase and knocking on his door for a while he wasn't home, or wasn't answering.

[14:25 PM] A disembodied soul. disembodied Shluf's corpse
A disembodied soul. reports:

Today I wandered out of college to hand in some work. As I travelled, I discovered myself passing the abode of one Mr Shluf, so I decided to pay him a visit. I found my way through his college, and discovered myself entering his staircase just after a young, bookish man. Proceeding up the stairs behind him, I realised he disappeared into my target's room.

Ah, but wait! I then heard him preparing to head out again. Withdrawing past a handy corner, I stepped out, confirmed his identity, and shot him. Only to hear those dreaded words: "I'm already dead". He then revealed that he hadn't even submitted his death report, so I feel this could be classed as something along the lines of a finishing blow.


A disembodied soul.

[14:30 PM] This innocent killing is becoming rather a common theme.. Michael Darling goes wanted!
Michael Darling reports:

Today, I went to assassinate one of my targets, a certain Professor of love. Unfortunately, he seemed to be hiding from my murderous intent - so, incensed at the time I had wasted, I travelled to _unspecified_college_ to make an attempt on GLaDOS instead. Alas, such was my rage that I strode straight past his door and inadvertently shot his innocent neighbour instead. Curses.

Report by innocent:
I thought it might interest you to learn that I was brutally murdered in my own room at half past two this afternoon, by a complete stranger, with a rubber band gun. I feel slightly indignant about this since I have not picked up a rubber band gun, or a water pistol, or indeed engaged in any assassin-related frivolity for nigh on eighteen months now. My best guess would be that this trigger-happy individual was intending to dispatch the scurrilous assassin living next door, and I consider it quite an achievement to attack the wrong room in this case, considering that his door has a large piece of paper attached to the front declaring itself to be 'GLaDOSs Room'. In such a case as this, would not the Incompetent list be more appropriate than the Wanted list?

[15:05 PM] Knives knives Barry Scott (Neal Carr)
Barry Scott reports:

Report: While eating lunch this afternoon I sensed an adventure was in order; and so a great expedition was planned to my target's college. I arrived and scoped out my would-be victim's room, and eventually (after much procrastination and a cup of coffee in the college bar) gain access into the building where my target resided. Unfortunately, I didn't recognise the man who had let me in was the very man I had come to kill...disguising himself in a long black coat. Thinking nothing of this stranger, I passed him as he checked his pigeonhole, and made my way up to his room. A seemingly different stranger appeared, asking whether I was looking for my target, and as soon as I nodded in the affirmative, my target stabbed me. He'd lost the coat and had subsequently changed his appearance completely... Really shouldn't put so much faith in the kindness of strangers in this game.

Knives reports:

There was an attempt on my life today. A mysterious man in black was standing outside my dorm building, thwarted by the electronic card lock. I was suspicious at once, but not wanting to kill an innocent I decided to play it safe. I opened the door, acting like I had not noticed his suspicious behavior. As I entered he followed, and my suspicions grew. Luckily for me, he did not know who I was (or I would have been dead right then and there). The final confirmation of my suspicion was when he stood outside my door trying to decide if I was inside or not. I calmly walked up and stabbed him in the chest.

[15:15 PM] Grey Squirrels are not very popular, with several people out to get them
Professor of love reports:

Good news, everyone. After a hearty brunch me and Tristan Maxwell felt up to ending some soul's existance. We ventured into the depths of Grey Squirrel's college (After an embarassing amount of time spent finding the right building) and located his door. Shortly following a brief knocking he answered with a small but impressive gun and opened fire. The very brief firefight resulted in me losing an arm, him unscathed. I sent Tristan to loudly walk off in the hopes that Grey Squirrel would think we had both left, and he did indeed again open his door resulting in yet more shooting. Just then his neighbour approached, who I managed to convince surprisingly easily to attempt to trick him into opening his door again, but to no avail. I proceeded to wait outside the door for what seemed like an eternity, before a final firefight resulted in me losing a leg. At this stage I finally decided it would be wise to leave. I'll be back.
Sons, lock up your mothers. Signed, The Professor.

Tristan Maxwell reports:

Today I decided to help my friend, the Professor of love, with some of his... business. We went to the targets room, knocked politely, but he was ready for us. The Professor and target had a couple quick skirmishes which resulted in the Professor losing a couple limbs. Following a very civil discussion about the damages inflicted on friend and foe, we took our leave. It seems like it's time for another refresher course from Tristan Maxwell, Professor. Until then, back to the drawing board...

Grey Squirrel reports:

I answered a knock at the door to find two surprised looking assassins, and perhaps their incredulity at finding a target who would actually open their door was all that saved me, for they did not react in time... a quick fight ensued, in which my would-be-assassin lost both legs and an arm, but unfortunately was not fatally injured, and then I allowed him to crawl away and lick his wounds... Many would not have been so merciful.

[15:20 PM] The ASNaC is clearly better at decyphering runes than hunting down targets, as The Manic Moleman, Dergeilehase and FYI I am a Spy elude him
The ASNaC reports:

The ASNaC went a-raiding to _Unspecified College_ but couldn't find anyone to pillage :(

[15:30 PM] Charlie - "I have no need of a pseudonym cos, while I am not going wanted, I will likely die to some very lame crossfire on the first Incobash" - the Unicorn goes to the candy mountain, but no kills lie therein
Charlie - "I have no need of a pseudonym cos, while I am not going wanted, I will likely die to some very lame crossfire on the first Incobash" - the Unicorn reports:

Charlie issues a warning to Stilgar of Unspecified_College_Alpha and Pyrimidine of Unspecified_College_Beta: you can only hide behind your Walls of Jericho for so long, before the inevitable comes to pass. Now, if you'll excuse me, myself, The Pink One, and The Blue One have to go see a King about a Banana...

[17:00 PM] The Betrayed finds "That One Guy" may not be in..
The Betrayed reports:

This afternoon at 5 I went in search of "That One Guy". After gaining access to his abode thanks to a trusting housemate I discovered that he was currently Jailbreaking. It would seem that the fear gets to some people and they go mad and run away.

[17:45 PM] The Expunger avoided expung-tion by Raspberry Skelter
Raspberry Skelter reports:

Raspberry Skelter braved the frozen lands of [unspecified], where winter holds stern stewardship till the Duck King finally returns. His task to locate and eliminate [unspecified] proved vegetableless, a wild moose chase, utterly bereft of porpoise. This saddened him, for without the dying breath of an enemy he would not be able to replenish his depleted stock of commas and was doomed to leave his thesis, 'A deconstructionist approach to the mustache theatre', in perpetual stasis. Afraid the night would spring into morning imminently, he fell back into the moon and went for a stroll through the eternal tea gardens with the Lunar Hare.

[18:00 PM] The Friendly Ninja Om nom nom nomed their way through several colleges, but were left hungry.
Om nom nom nom reports:

The Friendly Ninja and I went out hunting. We reached the lair of one Mr. About-four-o'clock-in-the-afternoon and after prolonged discussions involving angles of attack, fluid mechanics and projectiles we decided to knock on his door. The silence was deafening. We move on. We visited Magumbo - he wasn't in but a rather helpful flatmate was who told us to come back later.

The Friendly Ninja reports:

At about 5pm on Saturday 30th January, I and Om nom nom nom went out hunting. While our attempt at the _unspecified_college_ assassin was unsuccessful due to their absence, my target, a certian Bruno refused to open his door. Dejected, I and Om nom nom nom returned home, not having even seen a target.

The Umpire would like to note that all assassins are referred to in the male pronoun if using their pseudonyms.

[19:00 PM] The Scorpion Princess (Helen Thorpe) resigns.

Sunday, 31 January

[14:00 PM] The Incobash happened. Lots of people died.

The Dead: The Radio Star (Andrew Edgar), The gentleman with the thistle-down hair (Aneurin "Nye" Redman-White), GLaDOS (Christopher Wells), Bruno (Ed Phillips), 5-6-7. assassin-8. you will never reach 9 (Edward C. West), Jobi (Joanna McGowan), Pyrimidine (Michael Darling), Shouldn't have asked the Umpire to make up a pseudonym for her (Paul Tinton), Philippeflop (Philippe Ayache), A disembodied soul. (Timothy Kew). Reports to follow.

Pyrimidine reports:

Left my door unlocked for the first (and only) time today, and a group of assassins immediately burst in and murdered me horribly. Yet more curses.

Shouldn't have asked the Umpire to make up a pseudonym for her reports:

The incobash lurked my room, I wasn't there. Then they shot my wife (completely innocent). I couldn't sit idly by. I got my trusty gun and slew her murderer. Unfortunately, I died in the process, shame.

Zem, the One True Mattress Overlord reports:

No one really knows what mattresses are meant to gain from life. They are large, friendly, pocket-sprung creatures that live quiet, private lives in the marshes of Sqornshellous Zeta. Many of them get caught, slaughtered, dried out, shipped out and slept on. None of them seems to mind this and all of them are called Zem. There was, however, one Mattress with aspirations to greater things than being slept on. He was the first Mattress to assign himself a title. This is his story.
Zem flolloped along West Road merrily, heading towards the world's ugliest building. Even Squornshellan tramps lived in better places than this. Out of the corner of what looked vaguely like eyes if you squinted a bit and tilted your head slightly, Zem saw a much nicer building named after some clever maths chap. "Perfect!" he globbered.
Zem floopily flurred up the stairs to the room of one 5-6-7. assassin-8. you will never reach 9. He slumped against the door thrice, gleebily squrling all the while. As he slumped, cunning Mr 5-6-7. assassin-8. you will never reach 9s plan unfolded, and a trap went off above the head of the little mattress, but he was saved from the shower of deadly paper by an innocent throwing itself on top of Zem, mistaking him for a comfortable dead mattress on which to lounge (which is quite an understandable mistake to make, really).
After engulfing 5-6-7. assassin-8. you will never reach 9, Zem glurried along towards the college that is a bit far away but not as far as that other one is. His mattressy form allowed him to pass through the accommodation undetected. Having mattress allies on the inside, Zem was able to infiltrate another room belonging to an assassin who may get in the way of his plans for World Willoming. This one he bludgeoned to death, in a notably floopy manner.
The stage had been set. The first strikes had been made by the mastermind mattress. Soon everyone would glurry in fear of Zem, the One True Mattress Overlord! They would learn to fear his soft padding and lightly sprung centre! None could match him in floopiness! Who would stop him? Find out next time!

GLaDOS reports:

Subsequent to an earlier attempt, another test subject of indeterminate gender attempted to open my door. The previous security problems had since been resolved, and the door failed to open. He/she was issued with standard-issue taunts from my side of the locked door until I heard her/him leave. Laundry was, however, a necessity on this day, so I unlocked the door and peered outside. Observing the corridor to be empty (barring my neighbour eating a tortilla, who was not deemed a threat), I holstered my gun before checking the other way and <SYSTEM FAULT> 5 more elastic bands on the floor *fzzt* That was not very nice of you *fzzt* 2+2=10... in base four, I'm still fine *fzzt* I deleted your backup *fzzt* resequence resequence *fzzt* warning: fridge overload *fzzt* you broke my heart *fzzt* that thing has numbers on it *fzzt* incobash? *fzzt* self-destruct in 5...4...3...2...7...12..*fzzt* ouch *fzzt* you are a mathematical error *fzzt* the cake is a lie [CRITICAL ERROR] [NO HARD FEELINGS]

Batman reports:

The war on Gotham's streets continues, with moonlight piercing the smoke and the darkness. Driven by the need to establish some kind of order, Commissioner Gordon has formed a temporary alliance with some of the less radicalised city gangs, in the hopes of quelling the more dangerous vigilantes on the streets.

The Commissioner leads one group of such gang-members himself, assisted by other police officers, but no, watch this group. He has sent them to bring in mafia leaders from the city districts of _unspecified_A, B and C_.

At _A_ four of the gang - Captain Cephalopod, Raspberry Skelter, Charlie - "I have no need of a pseudonym cos, while I am not going wanted, I will likely die to some very lame crossfire on the first Incobash" - the Unicorn and Anne Bonney - snuck into the fortified remains of a burnt out building via a library, as the rest waited outside. Nothing was heard for a number of minutes, until the four of them emerged from what was left of the library.
'He's dead,' said Raspberry Skelter tersely. 'Philippeflop is dead.'
The one who called himself Captain Cephalopod glared at him. 'The Commissioner wanted him alive!'
'He was pointing a gun at me! And he's better off dead.'

Following a brief siege at district _B_, during which they failed to bring in GLaDOS, Captain Cephalopod dropped back from the rest of the group. Unseen by the others, he ducks into an alleyway.
A shape emerges from the darkness. 'Robin.'
The Boy Wonder looks cautious. 'I don't know how far I can control them. They're out, looking for blood, not looking to help out.'
'Do what you can. I expected this, but still, a measure of control is better than none at all. Where are you headed?'
'_C_ district. Gordon sent word that there's a group of four Arkham Asylum escapees terrorising that neighbourhood. The gang wasn't about to argue with a chance for a fight. But I can't promise that it won't turn into a turf war.'
'Go, do what you can. I'll help if I get the chance.'
Leaving the alleyway, Robin returned to the guise of Captain Cephalopod, and hurried to catch up with the group.

_C_ was an ambush. Investigating an otherwise silent building, bullets suddenly started to fly on all sides of the gang as the Arkham inmates burst from a set of rooms. By some miracle none of the gang were injured, while they were able to shoot two of the escapees, Raphael and Bruno. As the other Arkham inmates pressed forward, the gang was forced to retreat under the hail of bullets.

Moving on to the final mafia leader, and angry at being caught off their guard, the gang moves on towards _D_. Captain Cephalopod is worried. This group is set to kill, but their target, Jobi, must be taken alive. She has information that the Batman needs, information about the attack on the Mayor. And he doubts that he can restrain the gang.

Move now to the room where she sits, a gun lying in her hands. The Police want her alive. She knows this. The gangs want her dead. She knows this also: she can hear them out there, hunting her. Her ex-employers... they want her alive. But don't ask why.
When she heard of what they had done with the toxins she had given them, she had deserted them and fled to her home. She knew they would find her. But she kept a gun in her desk, and she swore she would take some of them down with her.

The gang reaches her house, shooting at the windows, and attempting to break down the boarded up door. Captain Cephalopod attempts to reign them in, trying to get them to hear reason, but they ignore him.

Jobi raises her gun, pointing it squarely at the door. Fear turns her blood to ice, but she is ready.
'Ms Jobi.'
She turns in shock, ready to pull the trigger.
The Dark Knight swats the gun out of her hand. 'You don't need to do this.'
'The Police can't protect me. And everyone else wants me dead. Or worse.'
'I can get you out of the city. But I need a name. Nothing more.'
She tells him.
Warning her, once, to never return to Gotham city, The Dark Knight gives her a sedative.

The door buckles, and the gang of vigilantes bursts into the room.
It is empty, except for the loaded gun lying on a chair in the middle of the floor.

The Batman has only one rule.
He does not kill.

nocturnal duck reports:

We started by finding Drunken Phantom absent, but a certain suspicious bystander looked on in amusement. 5-6-7. assassin-8. you will never reach 9 then released a trap onto the head of an "innocent" accomplice but then got shot himself anyway. We then proceeded to _mystery_college_ to attempt to kill the inco Colonel Mustard and my own target HOOOOOOOOOOOOO! at around 15:30, but both had locked doors and other assassins were known to be about, so we then eventually moved on to find the unlocked but empty rooms of Baron of bunny and Scubbo. At some time after 4 we arrived at _unspecified_college_z_ to find many locked staircases, but I recruited a local friend to help us, and also have the effect of making us marginally less suspicious. We stormed the room of the wanted criminal Pyrimidine at about 17:00 when I shot him twice in the chest for good measure. Soon afterwards The Radio Star died and Shouldn't have asked the Umpire to make up a pseudonym for her fought back but died in the end, leaving just one inco, whose house we eventually found in the dark, but unfortunately he decided to stab A disembodied soul. instead of just die nicely.

Dergeilehase reports:

Dergeilehase has beaten back. During my dinner with carrots, I was taken by surprise by a pirate looking foxy. One of my rabbit mates let him into our den. I heard it, left my room and was in hiding in the corridor until the pirate boarded my room. STAB! I stabbed him from behind. At that moment, he turned in my direction and shot me. Discussion started, although everything seemed clear. His pirate crew, waiting outside my den, convinced me to participate in a duel to decide the doublekill. Sure, I wanted to kill this little foxy pirate a second time! Standing in my feed lot back to back, three, two, one, go.. we jumped away, being involved in a gunfire immediately. But in the end.. Dergeilehase was to strong.

Pirates of Cambridge: The rabbit kills foxy!
Hmm.. my carrots.. mmhh..

A disembodied soul. reports:

Today the incobash visited Dergeilehase . Access was obtained to his building, and I entered and went into his room. At this point, he dashed out and stabbed at me. I turned around, firing as I went, so whether he also died was unclear. A short duel later, this was settled in his favour.

Commissioner Jim Gordon reports:

Commissioner Jim Gordon gazed out at the cityscape, his long, billowing coat flapping as he stroked his sensuous moustache. He was stood upon the balcony outside his office at the Gotham City Police Department, and there was a storm brewing. There always is. It's more cinematic that way.

That goddamn city, filled to the brim with scum and corruption. Not for much longer. He barked some orders. 'It's time to take out some trash, men. Get the guns, we can't wait on Batman forever!' Choosing a selection of his best men, they raced off into the night, lights blazing but sirens off. This would be a raid to remember.

After raiding a brothel but finding the Drunken Phantom that ran it absent, they hit a corner store which was being used as a front for drug trafficking. Sadly, a passerby got caught in the crossfire, but GCPD officer William Keen gunned down its owners, led by Edward C. West.

Next they raided a gang hideout near the baseball stadium, but were repelled by the aggressive counterattack launched by the gangsters within, HOOOOOOOOOOOOO! and Colonel Mustard. A nearby pimp known only as the Baron of bunny had obviously been tipped off, as he was nowhere to be seen. 'Is the corruption EVERYWHERE?' cried Commissioner Jim Gordon. The lovely agent Septima helped calm him down, and they attacked the base of a known bodybuilder and bouncer who allegedly had murdered a minor politician the previous week, but had resisted all attempts at arrest. His absence smelt almost as badly as his dirty underwear, but the GCPD left him some presents of their own.

Finally, a trip to the notorious criminal hang-out of Kennedy College, the liberal arts school of Gotham City, pestilent with the smell of soft drugs and intellectual under-age drinking, yielded a number of small arrests and convictions, carried out by the GCPD's younger members. Commissioner Jim Gordon felt pride stir in his heart. Maybe there was hope for the city yet. Then a dark shadow fell upon the world, as day turned to night and all hope was lost. Commissioner Jim Gordon took his most trusted agent, The gentleman with the thistle-down hair, and sought to lure out the most sinister and shady character of the city's underworld, a man not dissimilar in cynicism and malice to the Joker himself, one Paul Tinton. This fiend had expected their arrival, however, and set in motion a trap of his own devices. Using his canny female assistant, he forced the hand of The gentleman with the thistle-down hair and caused him to shoot recklessly, the gunshots echoing through the building and giving Paul Tinton a definite location to target. His homing missile was unstoppable, and struck the poor agent straight in the chest. Commissioner Jim Gordon screamed and hurled himself towards the origin of the missile, dodging incoming fire and blasting his pistol shot straight into the throat of the sinister attacker. He collapsed, exhausted and devastated by the day's events. At what cost would he clean up this sinkhole of a city?

Some of the younger members of the GCPD joined the remainder of the force, along with some gang members who had been paid to help them. They went on to strike down some more of the city's deviants, but Commissioner Jim Gordon paid little attention, mourning his fallen companion. One final raid led to the loss of a gang member to a particularly sinister mad scientist, believed to be European in origin (and anyone with such an accent MUST be evil, right?). Commissioner Jim Gordon decided to call it there, before any more loss of innocent blood. If such a thing existed in this hellhole of an urban sprawl. Goddamn villains!

[20:55 PM] Binary Assassin may be too digital for Grey Squirrels
Binary Assassin reports:


Monday, 1 February

[11:00 AM] The Friendly Ninja gets lucky, killing nocturnal duck (Tom Duncan) and How's that for Danger Close? (Joe Reed) in one morning
The Friendly Ninja reports:

Having been attending his lectures for some time in the hope of meeting him, I finally ran into nocturnal duck today at approx. 11am. Saying hello in the only way appropriate to the situation I shot him twice with a rubber band gun, killing him stone dead. Buoyed by this encounter, I set off for my own lectures. Whilst staring around my own dull lecture theatre a couple of hours later, I spied another of my targets, a certain Mr How's that for Danger Close?. I shot him twice as he readied his bicycle at approx. 1pm. After confirming his death I hurriedly fled the scene before the deceased's companions arrived. Not a bad start to the day...

nocturnal duck reports:

I foolishly took a rare daytime visit to a lecture, but even more foolishly used the front entrance. I was shot without warning by The Friendly Ninja and as I was dying saw the face of one Om nom nom nom, who confessed a small amount of remorse about causing my death.

[11:20 AM] Stilgar and 'Thunderchild' mission fail
Stilgar reports:

Sadly all targets had gone to ground and the scent wasn't strong so the hunt was abandoned in favor of the more successful hunt for food.

[11:35 AM] The Zombies couldnt find any brains to eat
The Zombies reports:

We vizited How's that for Danger Close?s rum today. not in, cood not eat hiz brains, so we left note under hiz door
The Zombies

[12:22 PM] 'Thunderchild' hunts again
'Thunderchild' reports:

Attempt on Cecil Roberts at 12:22 by 'Thunderchild'.
Not Successful.

[16:00 PM] 'Thunderchild' (Richard Tunnard) dies to Cecil Roberts
'Thunderchild' reports:

At approximately 1600 another attempt was made on Cecil Roberts. Luring him out of his room proved most effective. The decision to run down the stairs and not up however was not. Having withdrawn from the higher ground the rbg failed to prove it's worth against water guns, leading to the death of operative. 'Thunderchild' file closed. 1604/01/02/2010

Cecil Roberts reports:

'Thunderchild' came to try and kill me yet again, but this time I was both in my room and not asleep, so I snuck out and killed him with my water gun.

[17:00 PM] FYI I am a Spy also hunts unsuccessfully
FYI I am a Spy reports:

Attempted to kill three people today. The Haiku Murderer and Magumbo were both out, and Anne Bonney was protected by an impenetrable fortress of card-controlled doors.

[17:30 PM] Septima tries seven times (well, maybe not so many) to find Scubbo
Septima reports:

Made an attempt on Scubbo. Access to the college, court, and staircase in question was unproblematic, thanks to my excellent lockpicking skills (and perhaps also the absence of locks...). However, the man himself had left his door locked, perhaps having learned his lesson after my previous visit. Disappointed, I returned home, only to find that I had been hunting a corpse - probably why I couldn't find him.

[18:25 PM] Captain Cephalopod brings down Raphael (Simon Holroyd)
Captain Cephalopod reports:

It was a cold and windswept night as I, accompanied by none other than Gotham's finest Commissioner Jim Gordon, returned to that fated place. Blood (weeeeell, ok, rubber bands) still stained the floor from yesterday's raid, but we were unperturbed.
The beastly Inco known as Raphael must have assumed himself safe, as he had dropped his previously-impenetrable defenses. Finding myself unarmed I fashioned a makeshift firearm from a rubber band and two fingers, swept thought his unlocked door and slew the beast where he sat.
My dear accomplice was, sadly, less successful with a certain Leonardo, whose door remained steadfastly secure. One day we'll get you Leonardo, one day...

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