The Assassins' Guild - Week 1 News

The dastardly rascal didn't even bother to lock his door.

The Bugblatter Beast snarled forlornly as it turned its back on what could have been some fine pre-elevenses nibbles. It had been craving a little Jobi with BARON HUMBUCK chaser for a while now, and the disappointment stuck in its throat like a poorly masticated Arcturian mega-whale skeleton. "I really ought to get that looked at," pondered the Beast, if Bugblatter Beasts do ponder.
The first issue had come when the Beast couldn't fit through the doorway to its first target. Being a huge fan of 15th Century English architecture, he didn't want to force his way through at the risk of structural damage. "Grashn'gaa horggnn frurgle mizz-ganthroq," it cursed out loud, much to the chagrin of the unfortunate Porter tasked with the unenviable job of politely asking the Bugblatter to leave. "Excuse me, beast... er... Mr Blatter? Excuse me? Could I possibly ask you to..."
At this point the Beast decided that this little man had become an annoyance, and promptly gobbled him up. "That'll teach him to wear a red tie with a white jumper," thought the beast, smacking his lips and wiping his hands on the nearby lawn. "Too much contrast can really ruin an outfit." The Bugblatter is well-reputed for its good eye for stylish attire.
After this (and some teleporting around searching for target number two, but to no avail), the Beast sighed a heavy, snarly sigh, that sounded like a JCB running over a Grizzly Bear. It remembered the Land Economy supervision work it had due in for that afternoon and began the long trudge home, back to Traal.

In the half-hour lull between my Tuesday afternoon supervision commitments, I took the liberty of engaging in a spot of RandR at my room, and to switch one Futhark essay for another in my rucksack. Almost too coincidentally, I was contacted by the resident theologian in my building, informing me a certain someone was here to see me and that he had proceeded to let him in.
With the doors hastily locked, and my Kalashnikov slung over my shoulder [in case this veritable foe had come equipped with more than a bruised banana-labelled-gun], I enjoyed a friendly chat with my visitor, who claimed to be "Barry Scott" and hailing from the mystical land of Place_unknown.
After informing him that his powers of deception [and lockpicking too, evidently] were lacking "Barry Scott" departed empty-handed with a curt farewell. I waited a few extra minutes before moving on to my aforementioned appointments, and rather smoothly escaped with my life... and my kidney.
Postscriptum: shameless plug for http://twitter.com/CPS2000

Made an attempt on Charlie - "I have no need of a pseudonym cos, while I am not going wanted, I will likely die to some very lame crossfire on the first Incobash" - the Unicorn. Successfully 'charmed' my way into his flat, and then was brought to the door of my proposed victim. Said victim was not deceived by my admittedly rather half-hearted attempts at pretending not to be his killer, and then bade me good luck for the next attempt. Which there will be one, I'll make sure of it.

I returned from dinner to find a strange man lurking outside my door.
I ducked back into the kitchen to give me time to draw my gun, and as I shot through the gap in the doorway he bolted, so I chased him down the corridor only to shoot him twice, first removing his arm, then his body, leaving him on the staircase while my innocent neighbour looked on in amusement.

"My dear Stephen," said the gentleman with the thistle-down hair, "I have recently discovered that my despicable enemies have chosen this term to make attempts to kill me."
"Oh! I am very surprized to hear that, sir," said Stephen.
"It would appear that there are quite considerable numbers involved in this plot, and at least three are seeking me out at this very moment," said the gentleman, who appeared not to have heard. "To my great irritation, they are also concealing their identities, and it will be a rather tedious process to reveal them."
"Have you had any success in finding out who they are, sir?"
"Ah! Yes, indeed I have - or rather, who one of them was. I determined that one of these base characters, who went by the name of Ted E. Baer, was lodging in a room in -" (he named the college in question) "-and so I visited him with the intent of asking him certain questions."
Stephen asked the gentleman how the exchange with Ted E. Baer had gone, but he had an awful suspicion of what had happened.
"I met with something of an inconvenience," replied the gentleman. "He died before answering any of the questions, which I found nothing short of insulting. Perhaps the spell I used on him had a rather stronger than usual effect; he was, after all, quite frail, and he was after all asleep when I found him."
"Was it strictly necessary to kill him, sir?"
"It was entirely his own fault that he died! Although, on reflection, I would have killed him afterwards if his answers had displeased me. But that is an entirely different matter!"
"I am sure your judgement is sound on this matter, sir, but... what manner of spell did you use upon Ted E. Baer?"
"Since you ask, it was a spell of exsanguination. It reminds me of a time some years ago in Allendale..."

So me and ma buddy, Tristan Maxwell, just happened to be walking through mystery_college_A and just happened to knock on the door of one Peter William Hatfield, my accomplice's target. He opened the door on the first knock and my dear friend Tristan took that exact moment to slip, plunging his odd looking knife deep into the sanguine heart of poor Peter. Accidents happen. Oh well.
Lots of love, The Professor.

Today seemed like a good day for someone to die. Who's the lucky guy you ask? Well, this time it was Mr. Peter William Hatfield. I didn't get to ask him if he wanted to go on living - I was too busy plunging my knife into his chest as soon as he opened his door. It's his own fault really: if you enjoy life, you shouldn't get yourself on Tristan Maxwell's hitlist. This time, I even brought the Professor of love with me. I rather like showing off my killing prowess...

Roused from my work by a knock at the door I fell down the stairs; in a state of disarray and confusion I opened the door. After a brief glance at my assailant I confirmed that I did not know him, so dispensing with pleasantries and noticing he was armed, I shot him.

At around 9pm this evening I killed William Keen, the famous assassin. I made my first attempt to kill him at about 8.30pm. I went to his gyp room, expecting him to be hanging out in there, but had to come up with an excuse for visiting when I realised he wasn't there. A little nervous that I might have been found out, I retired to my lair. After regrouping my thoughts, I went straight to my target's room, armed with a banana gun and some knives. He allowed me to enter his room, and I got close to him by beginning to ask a question, then stabbed him in the heart. He was very angry that I had spoiled his fun, and he said, menacingly, "How could you break the pact?" I said I didn't care, either because im not that bothered about assassins, or because I am a killing machine. We shall see, we shall see...

I attempted to kill Street savoir-faire, but he wasn't around and the door was locked; then I attempted to kill The ASNaC but the door to the living complex was also locked. The ASNaC was in, but after waiting like an hour, I got bored and left (plus I have lectures)

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I was on one of my daily strolls picking up coins and eating strange mushrooms, and who should come up behind me but the evil koopa Dan Gleeballs. Giving him a few moments to lull him into a false sense of security, I turned around and blew his head off with my Wii Remote(TM) gun. However, unlike my dear friend Link, I am unable to gain extra life from such events.

At 1522 'Thunderchild' and FYI I am a Spy began intelligence operations in the vicinity of _place_removed_. Precise locations of residence of two targets were identified and a third localised within a building. Until 1545 operations continued without direct confrontation being initiated by the insurgence team. Despite photographic intel having been acquired relating to both, no sightings of targets "That One Guy" or Baron of bunny were made and due to risk of identification by public the operations ceased at 1545.

On our way to a supervision, Barry Scott and I decided to pay a visit to the abode of Colonel Mustard with the intention of stopping by for a spot of tea and murder. Sadly, he had most rudely decided to leave his door locked, stopping us dead in our tracks. Knowing full well that time was running short, we reluctantly abandoned the hunt.

I saw Mr Coryan Wilson-Shah today. He was wearing a hat. He seemed to be attempting to leave the country.

Imma run away on jailbreak! Assassins all scare me. BRB.

I demonstrated to William Turner that browsing Facebook, especially with your back to an unlocked door, can be extremely hazardous to your health.

14h11 29/01/2010 'Thunderchild' entered _Unspecified_College_ to track down Cecil Roberts. His room was identified within minutes and the "Out" status on the college residence board ignored as a decoy. Unfortunately upon reaching the room in question it was found locked and silent within, suggesting the decoy may infact have been authentic. Needless to say no kill was made and the attempt aborted.

A minute after the BARON HUMBUCK arrived to stake out 'Big Dave''s place, he appeared out of nowhere. A bit suspicious and a bit surprised, the BARON HUMBUCK took advantage of this moment and quick drew his weapon, shooting 'Big Dave' down.

Attempt made on Baron of bunny and Mario around 4pm today... Neither of them were at home.

Today, I went to a "friendly" visit to a Mr. Judge Dread, but I was somewhat late, and in spite of my namesake I was almost an hour overdue by the time that I arrived. I had decided earlier that, from what I could gather, the seeing to such a meagre individual would not constitute a large use of time, so I felt as if I was in no hurry. Alas, by the time I reached the lodgings, I noticed that the security had vastly improved since my last visit (no doubt because OF my last visit, they do so hate messy stains) and I could no longer simply stroll in the front door any more. Now, I am not one to be deterred by such a minor distraction, for a locked door (yes, they really went all out on those security measures) poses about as much of a challenge to me as someone holding their hand over their eyes so that I "cannot see them nyaa nyaa nyaa" to quote a previous "acquaintance" of mine, a man rather removed from the burdens of sanity (and now breathing, also). Now, I would easily have strolled up the side of the building as if it were an open road, seeing as I received top marks in edificeering during my day, but unfortunately such a stroll would no doubt have been somewhat conspicuous, seeing as I came unprepared for such an eventuality the local bledlows may have spotted me, and I would rather come back another day with time wasted than consider the possibility that such an individual may ever see me about my business, it would lack style.

Yesterday, I traveled a great many miles to the room of The Radio Star. However, on arrival I found an intricate security system capable of stopping even the most masterful of ninjas (a locked door). My next plan would need to be even more devious...

I went to try and assassinate nocturnal duck today. I got to his room but sadly he was absent and his door locked. I waited in his doorway for 20 minutes, but he didn't appear. Maybe next time?!

Late at night, whilst the moon cut the air like a surgeon's scalpel, I hunted. Jumping over a wall, with the aid of a bin, filled with the stink of a thousand ages, I slinked into his College, with the swish of my black nylon cape. I crept up the stairs to my victim's room, and with a flash, wrenched the door handle down and applied my shoulder to the strain. The door did not move. The music in the room stopped. I heard the ominous click of a gun being cocked. I heard the rustle as a fearful eye peered gingerly through the peep hole. I ran. Pausing only to howl at the moon in anguish of my failure, I leapt back over the wall, missed the bin, and was sent sprawling into the road. Raphael, you live on, but not for much longer.

Revenge is a dish best served 65 MILLION YEARS later!!!!! You mammals thought you had had the last laugh, eh? How wrong you are! You think Humans are clever? I am a genius! You can't even achieve time travel, and you call your civilisation advanced?! I will be doing a service to the planet when I WIPE YOU ALL OUT! Just as you did to my species! The Very Bad Tuesday will be revisited upon you 217-fold!!!! If you doubt me, just look what I did to the robot!: http://www.nuklearpower.com/2009/04/27/fcbd-09-page-1/ And I will do the SAME to you! If any of you pathetic creatures will actually come out and face me...

We headed to the abode of the wanted criminal Joe Reed. He appeared not to be at home, so after some lurking we departed. We then proceeded to the abode of my target The Betrayed, but could not gain entry. On to another unspecified accomodation block, but after lurking for a quarter of an hour still no entry was gained. It was then decided that the only thing going to be assassinated today was my lunch.

I only wanted to say 'Hello'. Give him a hug and just a quick friendly jab...

I had received a tip-off that a certain Scubbo would be leaving his [[unspecified subject]] lectures at this time of day. I decided to try and catch him, but after waiting for a while, he was nowhere to be found. He must've been in another castle.

12h22 Thunderchild infiltrated the residency of Cecil Roberts. Target was found asleep with his door locked. After attempts to enter and knocking failed attempt was aborted. Thunderchild

During a brief interlude in a busy schedule I and another member of the feydakin went on an assassination mission against the Harkonnen agents said to be in the near vicinity. Having infiltrated the site and, eventually, found the relevant room it became clear that security was incredibly lax. I wandered in the open door to find my target mostly asleep on his bed and taking advantage of this I killed him.
Stilgar

I made an attempt at killing Door2Door Salesman today, although after penetrating his college, finding his staircase and knocking on his door for a while he wasn't home, or wasn't answering.

Today I wandered out of college to hand in some work. As I travelled, I discovered myself passing the abode of one Mr Shluf, so I decided to pay him a visit. I found my way through his college, and discovered myself entering his staircase just after a young, bookish man. Proceeding up the stairs behind him, I realised he disappeared into my target's room.

Ah, but wait! I then heard him preparing to head out again. Withdrawing past a handy corner, I stepped out, confirmed his identity, and shot him. Only to hear those dreaded words: "I'm already dead". He then revealed that he hadn't even submitted his death report, so I feel this could be classed as something along the lines of a finishing blow.

Yrs,

A disembodied soul.

There was an attempt on my life today. A mysterious man in black was standing outside my dorm building, thwarted by the electronic card lock. I was suspicious at once, but not wanting to kill an innocent I decided to play it safe. I opened the door, acting like I had not noticed his suspicious behavior. As I entered he followed, and my suspicions grew. Luckily for me, he did not know who I was (or I would have been dead right then and there). The final confirmation of my suspicion was when he stood outside my door trying to decide if I was inside or not. I calmly walked up and stabbed him in the chest.

Good news, everyone. After a hearty brunch me and Tristan Maxwell felt up to ending some soul's existance. We ventured into the depths of Grey Squirrel's college (After an embarassing amount of time spent finding the right building) and located his door. Shortly following a brief knocking he answered with a small but impressive gun and opened fire. The very brief firefight resulted in me losing an arm, him unscathed. I sent Tristan to loudly walk off in the hopes that Grey Squirrel would think we had both left, and he did indeed again open his door resulting in yet more shooting. Just then his neighbour approached, who I managed to convince surprisingly easily to attempt to trick him into opening his door again, but to no avail. I proceeded to wait outside the door for what seemed like an eternity, before a final firefight resulted in me losing a leg. At this stage I finally decided it would be wise to leave. I'll be back.
Sons, lock up your mothers. Signed, The Professor.

Today I decided to help my friend, the Professor of love, with some of his... business. We went to the targets room, knocked politely, but he was ready for us. The Professor and target had a couple quick skirmishes which resulted in the Professor losing a couple limbs. Following a very civil discussion about the damages inflicted on friend and foe, we took our leave. It seems like it's time for another refresher course from Tristan Maxwell, Professor. Until then, back to the drawing board...

I answered a knock at the door to find two surprised looking assassins, and perhaps their incredulity at finding a target who would actually open their door was all that saved me, for they did not react in time... a quick fight ensued, in which my would-be-assassin lost both legs and an arm, but unfortunately was not fatally injured, and then I allowed him to crawl away and lick his wounds... Many would not have been so merciful.

The ASNaC went a-raiding to _Unspecified College_ but couldn't find anyone to pillage :(

Charlie issues a warning to Stilgar of Unspecified_College_Alpha and Pyrimidine of Unspecified_College_Beta: you can only hide behind your Walls of Jericho for so long, before the inevitable comes to pass. Now, if you'll excuse me, myself, The Pink One, and The Blue One have to go see a King about a Banana...

This afternoon at 5 I went in search of "That One Guy". After gaining access to his abode thanks to a trusting housemate I discovered that he was currently Jailbreaking. It would seem that the fear gets to some people and they go mad and run away.

Raspberry Skelter braved the frozen lands of [unspecified], where winter holds stern stewardship till the Duck King finally returns. His task to locate and eliminate [unspecified] proved vegetableless, a wild moose chase, utterly bereft of porpoise. This saddened him, for without the dying breath of an enemy he would not be able to replenish his depleted stock of commas and was doomed to leave his thesis, 'A deconstructionist approach to the mustache theatre', in perpetual stasis. Afraid the night would spring into morning imminently, he fell back into the moon and went for a stroll through the eternal tea gardens with the Lunar Hare.

The Friendly Ninja and I went out hunting. We reached the lair of one Mr. About-four-o'clock-in-the-afternoon and after prolonged discussions involving angles of attack, fluid mechanics and projectiles we decided to knock on his door. The silence was deafening. We move on. We visited Magumbo - he wasn't in but a rather helpful flatmate was who told us to come back later.

At about 5pm on Saturday 30th January, I and Om nom nom nom went out hunting. While our attempt at the _unspecified_college_ assassin was unsuccessful due to their absence, my target, a certian Bruno refused to open his door. Dejected, I and Om nom nom nom returned home, not having even seen a target.

We started by finding Drunken Phantom absent, but a certain suspicious bystander looked on in amusement. 5-6-7. assassin-8. you will never reach 9 then released a trap onto the head of an "innocent" accomplice but then got shot himself anyway. We then proceeded to _mystery_college_ to attempt to kill the inco Colonel Mustard and my own target HOOOOOOOOOOOOO! at around 15:30, but both had locked doors and other assassins were known to be about, so we then eventually moved on to find the unlocked but empty rooms of Baron of bunny and Scubbo. At some time after 4 we arrived at _unspecified_college_z_ to find many locked staircases, but I recruited a local friend to help us, and also have the effect of making us marginally less suspicious. We stormed the room of the wanted criminal Pyrimidine at about 17:00 when I shot him twice in the chest for good measure. Soon afterwards The Radio Star died and Shouldn't have asked the Umpire to make up a pseudonym for her fought back but died in the end, leaving just one inco, whose house we eventually found in the dark, but unfortunately he decided to stab A disembodied soul. instead of just die nicely.

Dergeilehase has beaten back. During my dinner with carrots, I was taken by surprise by a pirate looking foxy. One of my rabbit mates let him into our den. I heard it, left my room and was in hiding in the corridor until the pirate boarded my room. STAB! I stabbed him from behind. At that moment, he turned in my direction and shot me. Discussion started, although everything seemed clear. His pirate crew, waiting outside my den, convinced me to participate in a duel to decide the doublekill. Sure, I wanted to kill this little foxy pirate a second time! Standing in my feed lot back to back, three, two, one, go.. we jumped away, being involved in a gunfire immediately. But in the end.. Dergeilehase was to strong.

Pirates of Cambridge: The rabbit kills foxy!
Hmm.. my carrots.. mmhh..

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Having been attending his lectures for some time in the hope of meeting him, I finally ran into nocturnal duck today at approx. 11am. Saying hello in the only way appropriate to the situation I shot him twice with a rubber band gun, killing him stone dead. Buoyed by this encounter, I set off for my own lectures. Whilst staring around my own dull lecture theatre a couple of hours later, I spied another of my targets, a certain Mr How's that for Danger Close?. I shot him twice as he readied his bicycle at approx. 1pm. After confirming his death I hurriedly fled the scene before the deceased's companions arrived. Not a bad start to the day...

Sadly all targets had gone to ground and the scent wasn't strong so the hunt was abandoned in favor of the more successful hunt for food.

Attempt on Cecil Roberts at 12:22 by 'Thunderchild'.
Not Successful.

'Thunderchild' came to try and kill me yet again, but this time I was both in my room and not asleep, so I snuck out and killed him with my water gun.

Attempted to kill three people today. The Haiku Murderer and Magumbo were both out, and Anne Bonney was protected by an impenetrable fortress of card-controlled doors.

Made an attempt on Scubbo. Access to the college, court, and staircase in question was unproblematic, thanks to my excellent lockpicking skills (and perhaps also the absence of locks...). However, the man himself had left his door locked, perhaps having learned his lesson after my previous visit. Disappointed, I returned home, only to find that I had been hunting a corpse - probably why I couldn't find him.