Cloak & Dagger The Assassins' Guild - Week 5 News

Thursday, 19 November

[10:00 AM] Nwala tastes the wonderful sweetness of Nathan James (The Amazing Chocolate Orange)'s death
Nwala reports:

Today I decided to plod along to the lectures of one my targets. Arriving on the scene, I found Nathan James in the queue for some sweet delights between lectures. Knowing it to be incredible rude to interrupt during the crucial day changing moment of selecting which delicacy to feast upon, I bided my time. As he left the queue and headed towards his lecture I sprung into very slow, indecisive action, which finally ended with me stabbing him viciously in the chest just outside the doors to his lecture.

[13:00 PM] Bobo (The Otter) hunts Lazar Clarent but he is once more nowhere to be seen
Bobo (The Otter) reports:

Oh, Lazar Clarent! Why does he insist on hiding from me? Too many lunch times I have awaited his need for food, and lurked outside his building of science and wonder! Yet he must have found a way to no longer need food, for my attempts are always in vain... One day he shall be less of a coward, and one day I shall spy him. Maybe...

[13:30 PM] The Darkness visits a few targets: Omar, Cataclysm and Count Peduran but can't actually find any of them.
The Darkness reports:

[1:20]Paid a visit to Omar at [UNSPECIFIED COLLEGE], but was defeated by yet another door that I can't open. Given that I couldn't even see his room, and was not going to get through said door without a card from [UNSPECIFIED COLLEGE], I saw no point in lurking, especially as I have no idea what he looks like. [1:45 to 2:00]I then made my way over to [UNSPECIFIED COLLEGE] for my new target, Cataclysm. This time I was able to get to the target's room, but he wasn't in and the door was locked. Utilising a convenient corner in the corridor, I hung around for about 10 minutes, but he still didn't appear. When someone else showed up in the corridor, I got spooked and left. [About 2:15]Journeyed back into town via [UNSPECIFIED COLLEGE], hoping to catch sight of Count Peduran, the only one of my targets who I actually know what they look like! I still couldn't get to his room - doors had been left closed - but I walked the length of [UNSPECIFIED COLLEGE] anyway. Didn't see him.

[13:45 PM] Julian Willis (Well, indeed) is killed by a nervous Wildcard.
Well, indeed reports:

After a pleasant discourse over lunch my companion-turned-assassin angered and proceeded to slice my throat, following by shooting me twice for good measure and then, rounding off in the traditional way, stabbed me with his lightsaber. He then ate his own gun. What a guy.

[16:00 PM] Tithe My Wok is a busy policeman. He visits The Umpire, you are now breathing manually, The Umpire again, I don't understand what a 'pseudonym' is and Heydar the Great. Unfortunately no-one was around to say hello.
Tithe My Wok reports:

Noting my recent incompetence, I decided to go out and do a little hunting, in order to remove it. So I walked off to [UNSPECIFIED COLLEGE], where I tried to visit The Umpire, but The Umpire was out. I then went to visit you are now breathing manually, who also seemed to be out. I lurked in his staircase and somewhere with a convenient view of his windows from 1520-1535 or so, and left when people started to arrive. I tried to visit The Umpire again, but The Umpire was still out, so I left. I then went to [UNSPECIFIED COLLEGE ACCOMMODATION], where the main gate was locked. Undeterred, I hung around just out of sight, and walked through it when someone carelessly left it open. I then ventured to the flat of I don't understand what a 'pseudonym' is, but his outside door was locked. So I went to find Heydar the Great, whose outside door was also locked. I waited there for a few minutes, but the person who came out correctly identified me as not being a resident there, so I decided to leave.

[16:45 PM] Johannes Knebel (hans) mistakenly attempts to cull Battalions of Bearded Badgers but they fought back
Battalions of Bearded Badgers reports:

Today, a devious interloper came the the 'Sett-quarters' of the Battalion, sounding and looking incredibly shifty. Wary as we are of DEFRA's recent activity in the area, the Badger-at-arms demanded to know why he had come. The reply was that he had come to visit "Dr. [unspecified]" for a "supervision". Suspecting a trap, we enquired as to why "Dr. [unspecified]" could not be contacted in person. Despite not receiving a satisfactory answer, the Badgers decided en masse that the newcomer be admitted, while preparing for combat. The scurrilous purpose of this fellow became clear when he arrived at the room of the Meles Meilleure (our name for the Head Badger) and attempted to gain access. However, his attempt was foiled, due to the ingenious frangible-ammunition-resistant door and lock system. As he left, the Battalion sprang into action - shots were fired from the window, but the would-be-culler ran away. A vigourous pursuit ensued, at the end of which our assailant was gunned down in the open air, amid protestations that he was immune to water (he wasn't). Let the lesson be learned by DEFRA - our territory will NOT be violated. We WILL fight back! The mushroom harvest has begun...

[17:20 PM] Unspfxable drops a safe on Tithe My Wok but due to the relativistic effects of computer rooms, he managed to survive it.

[19:20 PM] Franz Ferdinand does a bit of assassinating of his own, Jeremy Kneebone (Omar) dies.
Franz Ferdinand reports:

As Franz Ferdinand was walking towards Magdalene Bridge, he spotted the incompetent Jeremy Kneebone talking to the very man who ended his former assassin life so suddenly, David Clarke. Overcome by rage at seeing his assailant and an incompetent in one place, he took out his trusty knife and slaughtered the inco. His sanity restored, Franz Ferdinand wished the corpse a pleasant evening and continued on his journey.

Friday, 20 November

[14:35 PM] Mark Pender-Bare (Heydar the Great) gets shot by Robert Cecil
Robert Cecil reports:

Idleness was setting in. It had been weeks since my gun had tasted blood. Going for a gentle wake-up, I had a quick trip to a certain unspecified college, and found the door to a certain specified competent's flat left unlocked. Entering quietly, I made my way past open doors A, B and C to my target, the left-slightly-ajar door D.
Pushing the door open oh so gently, I found the room dark, curtains drawn, lights off. A moment to adjust, and I noticed someone was lying on the bed, fast asleep. Innocent flatmates had gathered at the entrance to observe the proceedings as I cleared my throat. The prone form on the bed rolled over, and his eyes opened sleepily.


Seconds later, his eyes closed again. For good. An even gentler wake-up than I had expected!

[18:00 PM] Oh dear, another innocent lies dead on the floor. Brook Roberts is the one responsible, while Will "Tigger" Brooks looks on.
Will "Tigger" Brooks reports:

Some call it the Happy Hour, but I prefer to think of it as the Happy Innocent Slaughtering Hour. It's that time on a Friday when there is nothing better to do than shoot people who look dodgy or don't walk right. But that was the old me, that was before I learnt the umpire does not condone unlawful murder. I was standing, watching eagle eyed as I saw none other than Brook slaying an innocent (or so I am lead to believe from bystanders). It is good to see this noble tradition can be continued in the nanny state we find ourselves in.

Brook Roberts reports:

Whilst lurking at the CMS lying in wait for a kill, I managed to mistake someone for an assassin's player. So I shot them. It only seemed sensible - who can be blamed for erring on the side of caution? With their dying breath, they told me I was mistaken, and I fled, guilt-ridden.

Well I can blame you. For shooting an innocent Brook Roberts is made wanted for a minimum of three days and one licit kill.

[19:00 PM] William Keen (Count Peduran AKA Doktor Badger-Gherkin) is left floating down the river by The Shanatu Shuffle
The Shanatu Shuffle reports:

Strolling through [UNSPECIFIED COLLEGE] this evening, I noticed a certain William Keen about to be thrown in the river by his friends. The freezing water and carnivorous ducks would no doubt have provided him with a long, slow, painful death, so I decided to do the right thing, and thusly shot him in the back of the head. He turned to me, obviously surprised, and so I explained to him that he was now dead. I would have stayed to chat a little longer, but noticed that the assassin standing next to him was in fact Nathan James. Fearing possible retribution, I decided to make a swift exit. Nice one Will - I bet that was one night you didn't "Count" on! Hahaha!

Count Peduran reports:

Sadly, I must inform you that my run of good luck and preposterous good looks has come to an end. A beret-clad maniac attacked and killed me from behind on Clare bridge at 7 pm, on the way back from Buttery. You never can trust Frenchmen. Still, there's always next term and indeed the police force!

[20:00 PM] Bobo (The Otter) finally spots the elusive Serguei Mouratov (The Purge)
Bobo (The Otter) reports:

On a not too cold and wintery Friday night, I Finally spot the allusive Serguei Mouratov wandering though town, jacket and female companion pulled tightly around him. BINGO! He looks wary, but in a hurry, a perfect time to strike. I mahage to get right up behined him without him noticing, while he wandered though a the crowded streets, and as i reached into my pocket... BLAST! I am unarmed! How is this even possible? I must have used the last of my throwing knives hunting fish in the Cam for dinner. Luckily, my Supplier was dealing death and weaponry just around the corner. Once stoked and after also learning that I myself should be on the lookout, I returned to the hunt. But What? As I re-spy my target, he slips away into a secret shack, for what I can only assume to be copious amounts of drink and a few cheap laughs. 'There will be no laughter tonight for the dastardly Purge... Approaching the bar, clearly pleased with himself for alluding death thus far, I wrapped a cord around his neck, pulling him towards me. 'LOLDEAD', I whispered gently into his ear, sliding a knife between his ribs. I was out the door before he hit the floor.

The Purge reports:

At around 930ish my life ended. Ed Byrne was so hilarious, that i couldnt stop laughing, to an extent that i couldnt breathe! Then i realised that was actually Bobo (The Otter)'s garotte... Sigh... At least i died laughing:)

Some artistic license has been used in these reports. THe Umpire would like to remind players most strongly that garottes are not safe weapons and hence not legal.

Saturday, 21 November

[16:00 PM] Super-Coryan, Wilson-Shah goes wanted for shooting an innocent. Will "More money than sense, but the student loan is due" Brooks is once again in the vicinity, suspicious eh?
Super-Coryan, Wilson-Shah reports:


I shot an innocent. FUNK.


... oh well. Guess I'm wanted. Better get my turret working.


Will "Tigger" Brooks reports:

I was worried that my attendance at [unspecified society] was a place I was highly likely to be shot, I decided to do the noble thing and allow a cold innocent to wear my lovely rainbow coloured jumper so they could be warm. Now this turned out to be highly fortunate as a beret wearing Frenchman (berets are very stylish) jumped out and blasted the innocent in the face with a water pistol. Upon realising this was assasssins territory, I fled into the safe refuge of the aforementioned society where noone could kill me

[16:10 PM] Severus Snipe goes to visit I don't understand what a 'pseudonym' is, Lindermann and Cataclysm but doesn't manage to harm any of them.
Severus Snipe reports:

Police Report number 204382. Another busy day on the beat; after espying a suspicious character cycling away from a known shady character's house in a beret, I checked out the place. Not a bad abode for such a wrongdoer... clearly crime does pay in these parts. I then wandered over to a tenement filled with depravity, yet none of the perilous individuals within emerged. However, I can attest to their cooking prowess and their whistling skills, and observed them from afar. Nothing to warrant a search... yet.

[16:15 PM] Dr. Talos Jabbersocky, A Mesa Trudger meets Franz Ferdinand and together they kill Bibek Mukherjee (Lindermann)

[17:20 PM] Several people come to visit Unknown but he is quite the busy man
Unknown reports:

I would like to extend my thanks to all those who were kind enough to visit me. Whilst being a busy kinda guy and therefore unable to come out and greet each of you personally, I do appreciate the effort you made and will if possible send out a representative so come and see you. I did attempt to follow the guest who was around at 5.20 (ish :S ) but he shimmyed out of a gate just as I arrived. I didn't even get to say hi. Anyone who deigns to come and see me in the next couple of days - don't run off so quickly and I might come out... tomorrow afternoon not recommended as I might be out. teehee!

[17:45 PM] Dr. Talos Jabbersocky, A Mesa Trudger goes corrupt by shooting Cataclysm's girlfriend but then shoots straight and kills Matthew Evans (Cataclysm)
Dr. Talos Jabbersocky, A Mesa Trudger reports:

St. Mungo's is for friggin' chumps. They'd stuck me in there for the past week stating that my uncontrollable giggling was a symptom of something greater. Pffft, pshaw. Anywho some hot Insanity Ward nurses spent their time mercilessly healing me all night long during my stay. I figured by now I was pretty much 'cured' so I'd broken out of the hospital after a quick detour to raid the super-funtastic happy magic cupboard. Those chumpettes had left the door unlocked. Muahaha.

So, Dr. Talos had been cunningly distracted from his task by hang-gliding mice and bombshells, but not anymore. It was time to get serious; to break out the Rambo style. Dr. Talos had extracted information from the hang-gliding mice on the location of the leader of the socknappers and thus he found himself here outside their secret underground volcano lair in Nicaragua, the habitual location for final showdown scenes throughout history. The first thing that hit him when he'd apparated here was the curious resemblance the volcano had to a crocodile. The second thing that hit him was a clump of 10 bananas. "Grrrr, damned antisocial apes! Always leaving their junk floating around in the air". He plucked the bananas out of the ether anyway figuring they might come in handy.

The jungle crept up the base of the volcano on all sides (of a perfect circle aha). Dr. Talos pondered wonderously the best method of attack. "Catchoo!" he snoughed. "Must be allergic to these trees, damned freaky green things," he said in a nasal voice through the pair of wands he'd stuck up his nostrils for safe keeping. A nearby monkey, wearing a red cap, looked at him disapprovingly as if it had much more important things to do than put up with some wizarding fool. It was cartwheeling off towards the volcano when Dr. Talos' "Imperius" hit the monkey's back. "That'll teach you not to say bless you". Dr. Talos figured the monkey might be useful as a scout, so he compelled the monkey to enter the lair and gather as much information as it could before returning.

In the meanwhile Dr. Talos went a'tripping through the rainforest looking for the magical fish who could wish. This proved a more difficult task than expected. Possibly all these feesh he found in the bromeliads were able to wish and have those wishes successfully granted, but their wish outcomes were not significantly different to events normally occurring in fish life. Hmmph how to determine the wishing behaviour of feesh........Whilst pondering this vexing eternal problem he bumped into Franz Ferdinand who happened to be on her holidays in Nicaragua, partaking in her hobby of categorising the world's dormant volcanoes by likelihood of being mistaken for a lampshade. Overall there was a surprising lack of lampshade like volcanoes, but she reasoned if she characterised enough she might find one with the exact characteristics of a lampshade.

The imperiused ape came bounding back down from the volcano screaming like an ape "OOoo oo aah ahh eeeek". Dr. Talos crouched down thoughtfully "twelve guards you say?" "No problemo. We'll head up there straight away". Oh yeah and you don't need to be imperiused anymore, but thanks for the help. Dr. Talos flicked his wand, lifting the curse, and the monkey ran off eeeeeeking into the distance.

Dr. Talos and Franz Ferdinand snuck up the side of the volcano, keeping out of site of the one visible guard patrolling this entrance. Dr. Talos disillusioned himself before walking up closer. "Bib-ek Muk-her-jee" he slowly enunciated, reading the name from the nametag that also held the words - 'super evil villain lackey'. "Drop your wand". Mukherjee dropped his wand, fearful of the disembodied voice's command. Dr. Talos then clonked him on the head with an empty bottle of Merlot. "Off to Azkaban with you, foul fiend".

Franz Ferdinand apparated the lackey away to Azkaban and Dr. Talos was left to enter the lair. He held his wand held out ahead of himself, poised in duelling catfish stance. The most dangerous of all the mammalian fish, more fearsome than the foxfish, more ferocious than the ferretfish, and with a longer shelf life than the sheepfish. Ahead of him in a perspex-bound arena he could overhear the end of a conversation between a robed wizard and someone obscured by the ledge. He crouched down so he couldn't be seen and paid attention.

"......send him to collect the last potion ingredients. We're almost ready for the spell......oh and one other thing - don't screw up this time, Evans." The unseen talker ordered. "Now I must go and prepare."

Dr. Talos drew in a sharp breath as he saw Evans appear and walk off to the opposite exit of the arena. All the information Dr. Talos had collected pointed towards Evans being the mastermind behind the socknapping project, yet here he was being ordered around by some mysterious dude. 'What the hell was going on?'

Dr. Talos moved towards where the conversation had been held, noting with worry that only one pair of footprints marked the sand in the conversation site. He hurried off in the direction Evans had disappeared to, hoping that he might lead him to where the socks were being held captive.

Entering the next hall carved out of the volcano, Dr. Talos caught sight of Evans feeding some moths to a group of near starved socks through the bars of a magic-nullifying cage. 'Finally! He'd found them! The stolen rulers of sockdom were all accumulated here, locked in that go-go cage. Talos dreaded to think what mistreatment they had been subjected to; probably been forced to dance away the nights. They'd be furious when they were finally let out. He'd have to scamper away sharpish so he didn't get caught in the crossfire. Socks were rarely angered, but when they were they killed indiscriminately, just for kicks and candlesticks. Now to get rid of Evans. He needed a plan; Evans would be able to magically detect his presence if he moved within spell distance. Feeling peckish, Dr. Talos summoned a triple scoop petroleum flavoured ice cream and proceeded to eat it while evaluating the situation. No point going into battle on an empty stomach.

Bah, he'd just have to risk a direct duel, there wasn't time to faff around in contemplation, some of those socks looked downright threadbare. Dr. Talos ran out from his hiding place, a wand in one hand, and a half-eaten ice cream in the other. Evans span around as his proximity charm detected an intruder close to breaking into spell range. Dr.Talos and the socknapper fought a frenetic battle, curses turning the air blue, until an interloper ran into the expanse, towards the side of Evans. This distracted Dr. Talos sufficiently to allow Evans to blast Talos' ice cream away into oblivion.

"NOOOOOOOOOOooooooo" screamed Dr. Talos, his heart rent forever asunder by the loss of his sacred foodstuff. In such a rage was he, that he cursed the innocent interloper stone dead, before a shockwave of energy turned Evans into a handful of dust, breezing through the air conditioning units. 'blergh, better not breath that in' he muttered dejectedly, still heartbroken. He slumped to the floor, his breath ragged with exhaustion.

"Good evening, Dr. Talos. I haff been expecting you" the bluntly authoritative tones reached the doctor's ears and he raised his head. Ahead of him floated a sock surrounded in a darkly swirling aura.

"Who are you? And how the Ferranian drizzle do you know my name?" Dr Talos asked apprehensively.

The sock chuckled coldly to this, "My name ist Osck. The King of all socks. And you, my dear friend, could not haff seriously expected your actions to go unnoticed, no?"

"What do you mean the King of Socks? I thought socks refused absolute rule. I mean yes, there are those socks with more influence and magic than others, but I've never heard of a King..........."

"Well Dr. Talos. It is a fairly recent title; in fact you could say it hast just been instated in ziss past month. Those powerful socks that vound their vay here were so very gracious for the shelter that I provided them, zat they each decided to bestow upon me both their magic and that title. I must say I vas most pleasantly surprised."

"Tchah, yeah, and how exactly did you torture them to make them do that". Dr. Talos realised that this whole business had been orchestrated by this power-crazy sock, betraying his own kind and attempting to enslave humanity via his rule over sockdom. What a twist, who'd have thought a sock would be the real culprit.........cough cough splutter meh.

"Let's just say I made them an offer they could not refuse." A series of pops nearby indicated the arrival of a retinue of guards.

Osck motioned to the guards to grab me. I was tired, so tired. Not enough left to fight and within seconds I found myself held captive, surrounded by the human guards.

"Feed him to zee hungry hungry hippos." Osck ordered the guards. He turned his head away as if the sight of me being fed to hungry hungry hippos was too much for him.

"Oh fukzor" I groaned. This mission had gone totally avocado-shaped, right from day one and now here I was, about to be thrown into a tank to an agonisingly unstylish death. I always thought I was gonna swing out to a hero's death, and have my funeral filled with other people's lamenting wives. Bugger.

Suddenly a commotion upstairs made me raise my head as if a distant hope still remained........"It's probably just a stray wilderbeast migration......" I thought. Then low and behold an ape with a red tie came bounding down the stairs chucking barrels at the guards and being generally unruly and loutish. He'd knocked over three.......four......five of the guards! There was just the King of Socks left standing!

"Oh you blasted ape" The sock screeched, "why can't you get it into your head that we needed your bananas for feeding the garrison." A powerful surge of magic from the sock sent the ape sprawling, his limbs a'spasm Gah, I couldn't do any magic tied up like, but maybe, just maybe I could reach the cluster of bananas I'd put in my coat pocket. It seemed that the monkey I had imperiused earlier had gone to get backup. Dipping my head into the pocket I grasped the bananas by my teeth and flung them over to the ape. "Eat them!" I screamed.

The ape slowly crawled over to the bananas and scoffed them down. Suddenly he was revitalised, as if he'd gained another life or something and with a hurl of a barrel he knocked the sock back off the ledge and into the fiery depths of the volcano.

"Oook Oook Oook" he oooked. But I knew he really meant, "How do you like them bananas?"

Moral of the story: NEVER steal an ape's bananas. Furthermore, evil masterminds can't stop the awesomeness of Deus Ex Machina events. Furtherfurthermore, never trust a sock.

[17:50 PM] Super-Coryan, Wilson-Shah gets the kill required to redeem just 3 more days left. Matthew Hinks (Wildcard) is the unlucky victim.
Wildcard reports:

I dared venturing outside my room today and was simply going to meet a society whose name will remain unspecified. Enjoying the cool evening air, I met a familiar face down the path who calmly talked to me and walked alongside me. At a particular point we stopped and without any hesitation he shot me down - straight through the neck. "I'm dead aren't I", "Yes, Very". At which point I collapsed.

Super-Coryan, Wilson-Shah reports:

It was the hardest thing I've had to do all term. The guy I gave weapons to, told where to find his targets, even took out to get his first kill... shot as he walked out of college. I felt so bad, not even the sensation of getting Twillo all wet would make it any better. Rest in Peace, you crazy Wildcard...

[21:25 PM] Peter Jones (Cautionary Tales of Swords) is not sufficiently afraid of knives, being cut down with one by Ninja Pig

[23:10 PM] Jamie Gibson (Jazzman) is shot by Ninja Pig when he opened his door.

Sunday, 22 November

[17:00 PM] Brook Roberts is being hounded by assassins
Unknown reports:

More visitors, yet, Alas!, I could not greet them all. One of them shot at least two members of my college and nearly shot on of my flatmates, yet I had no shoes on and he fled rather quickly for my liking. Perhaps I shall see people tomorrow. Perhaps visit me at lectures?

Seems to me being wanted isn't much of a deterrent if no-ones able to kill me... Perhaps...

[19:30 PM] An Innocent Bystander goes looking for I don't understand what a 'pseudonym' is and Unknown but settles for shooting an innocent
An Innocent Bystander reports:

Ooh dear. It began as a brief reconnaissance of [UNSPECIFIED COLLEGE SITE] (a very unhealthy place, if you ask me), just in case I felt the need to lurk there for anyone. While I was there, I thought to myself, "Why not make an attempt on one of those inco/wanted characters who seem to be thriving in this den?". Alas, it was to be my undoing, as I hid 'round the corner just as someone opened the door. Startled, I opened fire, but it turned out to be neither an inco, a wanted, or a target, but merely some innocent who had been visiting another friend there. After waiting for a couple more minutes, I noticed someone looking through the glass of the door. As he opened it, I jumped around the corner and pulled the trigger, hoping to atone for my hideous crime in some way. I have no idea whether the person was an assassin or not, but it seems immaterial as my gun jammed and I ran off into the night. It would seem the 'innocent bystander' is no longer so innocent...

[20:00 PM] Super-Coryan Wilson-Shah is being incredibly lame and staying in his room all day.
Big Brother reports:

Day 1 in the Big Brother house. Coryan has been spending most of the day lolling and throwing things at the bazillion assassins and policepeople who decided to turn up today. None managed to gain access to the diary room, although a few thought that waiting around on the stairs would somehow miraculously make the door unlock. Last week, the housemates did well in their weekly task, and as such are benefitting from a massive food budget which will hopefully keep them alive for the rest of the week. Tomorrow, Big Brother will challenge the housemates to hide in the diary room for a further two days, and listen to nothing but his annoying northern monotone. Who goes? You decide. To evict a housemate, place your vote by placing a shot between their shoulderblades. Lineshots are now open.

Can people please pay attention to the part in Coryan's notes about not lurking after dark as: a) It stops you (and by extension the Guild) getting in trouble with the authorities and b) It stops coryan spamming me about it

Monday, 23 November

[00:00 AM] Bobo (The Otter) shoots Esther Nicoll (Invader) and her doughnuts

[08:00 AM] Trojan horse lurks for Rabbit Master and An Innocent Bystander. Unfortunately for Trojan horse the bystander he stabbed was really innocent.
Trojan horse reports:

Decided to make an attempted at removing the inco Rabbit Master or the criminal An Innocent Bystander from our streets. Whilst Rabbit Master did not appear, as I left from my lurking positionat An Innocent Bystander's house, someone cycled past me. Fast. Looking rather like An Innocent Bystander. And looking like he was wearing An Innocent Bystander's backpack. After a heroic 5minute chase I caught with the bike, rider unawares. And I walked up to him. And stabbed him. And then realised that unfortunately, assassins does not redeem you for killing people who look rather like wanted criminals. I did kill him rather gently...

For adding another innocent to his tally, Brook Roberts gets another 3 days on the wanted list and another kill required to redeem.

[12:00 PM] Daniel Baker (Warsaw or the First Breath You Take After You Give Up) practically gives up and gets murdered by Tithe My Wok
Tithe My Wok reports:

Date: 2009-11-23 1200

Location: The stairs outside an unspecified subject lecture theatre.

Present: Police officer Timothy Kew, incompetent police officer Daniel Baker, a couple innocents.

Events: While in lectures, I happened to notice one Daniel Baker, who was bringing shame to the force by his incompetence. As we left, I stepped up behind him, carrying my cosh loosely in one hand. He cleared the door, and I struck. A single cosh blow to the head stunned him, and a bang-kill to the chest finished him off. At this point, a bystander commented on the lack of violence, so I mutilated his corpse a bit (with permission).

The honour of the force has been slightly restored.


[12:30 PM] Last of the wilds cleans up the police force, killing Michael Darling (you are now breathing manually)
Last of the wilds reports:

I made a rainy trip up to the room of the incompetent policeman Michael Darling, who kindly opened his door for me, so I reprimanded him with a rubber band for not being dangerous enough.

you are now breathing manually reports:

Alas, my reign as an incompetent officer has ended. Expecting a room inspection, I stupidly opened my door without checking who it was. Unfortunately, all I found was a man describing himself only as "Tom", who promptly murdered me in cold blood with his luger. Lovely.

Tuesday, 24 November

[10:00 AM] The vicious wanted criminal Philip Hubbard (An Innocent Bystander AKA Battalions of Bearded Badgers) is stabbed by the police foce's newest recruit I don't particularly care for a pseudonym at this point accompanied by Severus Snipe
I don't particularly care for a pseudonym at this point reports:

At a time round about 10am, a certain Philip Hubbard emerged from his lecture room. Paranoid as he was, he was careful to check both ways in the corridor before emerging for the hundred-yard dash to his practical room. Unbenknownst to him, his would-be assassin was in fact behind him, emerging from exactly the same lecture.

A single stab of a knife was all that it took to dispatch this dear [UNSPECIFIED SUBJECT].

(i.e., he's dead by my newly-inducted hand).

Severus Snipe reports:

Long arm of the law is long...

An Innocent Bystander reports:

This morning, I was ready for anything. I looked for assassins outside my door. I checked my weapons; all loaded and in order. I proceeded to the place where I'd hidden my bike in order to make a quick getaway. I took a roundabout, unpredictable route to lectures. I sneaked into the lacture theatre unseen. As I departed, I looked left and right down the corridor - all clear of assassins - and breathed a sigh of relief...

For one thing, however, I was not ready. This one thing was a friend of mine who has never played assassins before coming out of the lecture theatre behind me and informing me that he had joined the police force the night before! He didn't tell me at first, of course; no, he stabbed me in the ribs a couple of times and then told me. As my life drained away, I heard him utter the name of his employer... Severus Snipe.

[10:30 AM] Altair visits a lot of people but can't find any of them, including Rabbit Master
The Darkness reports:

Despite being Al-Mualim's greatest student, Altair is still defeated by locked doors. 5 of them.

[11:00 AM] Captain Charlie hunts for Super-Coryan, Wilson-Shah at his lectures

[11:40 AM] The Darkness stabs Super-Coryan, Wilson-Shah but he is saved by the amp he is carrying
The Darkness reports:

The Darkness had grown desperate. Too long without food.
Making its way back to it's lair, The Darkness saw a figure that it recognised. A being of Power, and yet vulnerable. The Super-Coryan, Wilson-Shah. Unable to resist, The Darkness paused, and then began to follow. Unleashing its power, The Darkness closed in for the kill.

A flash of light.

The Darkness keened in agony. Vulnerable? No. The Super-Coryan, Wilson-Shah carried in one hand an ancient artifact, the presence of which opposed everything that The Darkness was.
Nursing its pain, and with the hunger growing again, The Darkness retreated, swearing vengeance.

Super-Coryan, Wilson-Shah reports:

"how boring," thought I, "to be stuck inside all day. I'd much rather be off helping [unspecified society]." So I went to do just that. All morning, I was busy ferrying amplification devices to and from my home, and not once did anyone shoot me! At about twenty to eleven, however, some cad who obviously hadn't read my notes properly decided it'd be a good idea to test his knife's sharpness in my back. Somehow, the amp in my hands managed to save me from his blow. At first, I didn't recognise him, however upon checking some photos I realised that it was none other than The Darkness! Only a few hours to go until I'm not lolwanted! Woop!

[11:50 AM] TidalWave goes looking for Super-Coryan, Wilson-Shah

[12:00 PM] Trojan horse also attacks Super-Coryan, Wilson-Shah while he was OOB. Much counter attacking ensues.
Super-Coryan, Wilson-Shah reports:

Suspecting assassins might be nearby, I checked Big Brother, who informed me that Trojan horse was hiding in my house. Not wanting to make a scene again, I walked in shouting "I'm OOB! I'm OOB!" to make sure he wouldn't make the same lolfail that The Darkness had. He was a bit smarter, and didn't. I nonetheless dashed into my room, threw on a quick disguise (okay, could have picked a better wig in hindsight, and the top was a bit lol) and chased him down the road. I was still knackered from carrying those amps, so didn't quite catch him... oh well!

Trojan horse reports:

Today I decide to visit the nefarious criminal Super-Coryan, Wilson-Shah. Via a little bit of sneakery (i.e. hiding round the corner) I gain entrance to his fortress. And I wait. And wait. 12:00 on the dot the man himself arrives - Alas! he caries equipment so his out of bounds. After a rather futile attempt to hide from him, we chat and part friends. Or so I thought. As I stroll back to [Unspecified College] I see Super-Coryan, Wilson-Shah, in full battle gear (i.e. beret removed) charging at me with a rather large water gun. An RBG seems like a pea-shooter by comparison so I do the sensible thing - leg it. I enter [UNSPECIFIED COLLEGE], whose residents are kind enough to offer me shelter, but I double back and make it so my own college, Super-Coryan, Wilson-Shah firmly locked outisde. I rouse Pink Fluffy Bunny and we attempt to counter attack, yet Super-Coryan, Wilson-Shah has fled lke the coward he is.

[12:15 PM] Bobo (For a Bite of Cake!) and Severus Snipe raid [UNSPECIFIED COLLEGE] killing Brook Roberts (Unknown AKA A kill a day keeps the chief of police away AKA Trojan horse) and Rupert Rutledge (Pink Fluffy Bunny)
Bobo (For a Bite of Cake!) reports:

I woke up this morning to find the name of my previous killer, Rupert Rutledge, staring at me from the inco list. 'HA! Revenge is mine!' I *evil laugh*ed to my self. But Egad! He lives with the ruthless inco slayer Brook Roberts. This would not be easy... 12:00. Arming myself with what I would later discover to be a gun with almost ZERO bullets, and my trusty pocket pistol, I set off for the perfect FPS map that is [UNSPECIFIED COLLEGE ACCOMMODATION]. Meeting my trusty associate, the Almighty Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry under the new regime of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, Severus Snipe of the Police, also after the nefarious Book, we entered. Things were pretty quiet. Nothing to see as we wandered around. It was quiet. TOO quiet. Suddenly I spied a suspicious, black robed figure on the other side of the court. He looked at me. I looked at him. He ran. He knew the area better than me and was quickly behind me, coming in through the back gate. This time i got a good look at him. Rupert... We had a friendly wave to each other before he puller out his phone calling for backup, and disappeared. It was not going well. Finding high ground I watched and waited. A second later the court was full of fighting as Brook appeared chasing and shooting at the good AHHSWWunrH-W-M-N-B-N Snipe! I fired a few rounds down towards him, but he was well out of reach, and BLAST! I discovered my gun was empty! (Like I said...) This was going even worse! Finding refuge in at the top of a staircase, a kindly man who's house smelt of delicious bacon enquired as to my presence, and offered me ammo from his tap of bullets! With a loaded weapon and bacon on my mind, I set off once again. Noticing Rupert lurking a few floors below, I made my way down and froze! Across the grass was my good friend and known assassin The Jazz Monkey, the third member of their evil trio. 3 on 1. Their territory. Very nasty territory. And I knew I would not even be able to shoot at an old friend, not just because I was not targeting him. Using all the sneaky sneak I had, I circled around until I was above Rupert, leant over and fired. A squawk from below meant I had found my target. Vengeance was sweet! I ran to my hiding place as the other two hunted around for me, and got a call from my ally telling me he had been horrifically crippled and would be unable to help for a few minutes. I was trapped! I watched Brook search for me for a few moments, and ran for it, but the exit was blocked by The Jazz Monkey. I worked my way back to where Brook was, and fired at him from above. He dodged and hid. I shot again and again could not hit him! This carried on for a few minutes until I looked down, and just made out the black circle of the top of his head below me. Perfect shot! Not being able to kill The Jazz Monkey, I quickly hopped over the gate and ran. He came out to see me cycle away. I resisted the urge to go and talk to him. He had the glint of someone who's Mafia you have just murdered in his eye... No doubt I will see him again. Unlike Lazar Clarent. Damn you Lazar Clarent!

Severus Snipe reports:

Damned boy, blasted my arm while my wand was still undrawn! That'll take a while to heal; still, I hear my friend dealt with him. I'll see him expelled if it's the last thing I do. The Dark Lord will be keen to hear about this...

Trojan horse reports:

On arrival at college, the Duke and Bobo (For a Bite of Cake!) are suspicously lurking outside my flat. I chase the Duke out of college to make things simpler, and call on The Jazz Monkey for back up. 3 on 1 seems a bit unfair - yet via some sneakiness / crap assassinning on our part, Rupert and I were felled by a shot from a floor above. Not a glamorous end to my career...

[15:45 PM] Super-Coryan, Wilson-Shah sends Franz Ferdinand out to kill Alefiyah Jafferji (I don't understand what a 'pseudonym' is)
Super-Coryan, Wilson-Shah reports:

Police constable Charlie Schoonman informed me that Brook Roberts' corpse had somehow shifted itself to the proximity of my house once more, this time with a couple of pals. Feeling I'd had my fill of running after him for one day, I asked her to do the wetwork... grinning manically, she disappeared out of the front door. From around the corner of the house, I heard shots and shrieks as she did what she does best (i.e. get medieval on they ass, punk). She returned, dripping with gore and water, to inform me that she'd shot Brook - again - and also brained the inco Alefiyah Jafferji. Thank goodness... I can finally go to my lectures without having to sneak about all over the place like a lemon!

Franz Ferdinand reports:

As he was visiting a friend of his at his imperial residence, Franz Ferdinand spotted the dangerous ruffian Unknown standing outside the door with his most incompetent companion Alefiyah Jafferji. Needless to say, action had to be taken. Brook, who was just emerging from the front garden, was met by gunfire to the chest. Unfortunately, this did not kill him, as he was actually already a corpse. This left the incompetent to be dealt with. As the wanted corpse informed her of the fact that he had just been shot again, Franz Ferdinand simply sauntered up to her and shot her in the chest with his trusty water pistol- a quick, appropriate end to her life.

[17:55 PM] Francis Walsingham attempts to catch Rabbit Master and An Innocent Bystander going for dinner but doesn't see either of them
Francis Walsingham reports:

Forty minutes of skulking in the dark and missing dinner, all for nothing. :( pls be using ur front door guiz?

[20:45 PM] I don't particularly care for a pseudonym at this point and Severus Snipe make quite the team taking James Hardman (Jack the Ripper Jr) down
I don't particularly care for a pseudonym at this point reports:

It was 8.45pm. Myself and a fellow PC (Severus Snipe) proceed, on our evening rounds, to the lodgings of a certain Mr. Hardman. He is in, but the door is locked. A short lurk, in case the target should emerge, is uneventful. Returning 30 minutes later, armed with icing sugar and chocolate - success! The door is open, the room unlocked...and a trap set, an assassin waiting. All in vain for him, alas. The clever stunning safe trap misses, the electric fence buzzes to a stop. Two elastic bands in the chest, and it matters not that his dagger is headed for my heart. A further three bands from my dear companion (whose aim has always beaten mine) ensure this Inco will be Inco no more, on account of being very, very dead.

Wednesday, 25 November

[09:00 AM] Chris Wade (Pinball Wizard) may be good at pinball but he's got nothing on Ninja Pig

[13:00 PM] The long-surviving inco Krit Sitathani (Lazar Clarent) finally gets killed by Joshua Guy Blanchard Lewis
Lazar Clarent reports:

After a long length of avoiding the brutal assassination of himself by being always being paranoid and prepared (mainly the prior), today Lazar Clarent was killed off while he was enjoying a nice and satisfying pudding. The long stretch of not-dying was accomplished by avoiding people that looked like assassins (read : everyone) along with carrying a number of knives and rubber bands. Eventually, the Duke somehow managed to find Lazar Clarent while he was enjoying a really satisfying and distracting pudding and knifed him in the back with something that looked oddly like a pen. The Duke left his calling card - a pack of gum.

Severus Snipe reports:

I hope I will not be kritiqued too harshly for this, but as it was a kritical kill and rather touche (sans diakritic), this sekrit murder felt rather like it fitted the kriteria for a few puns...

[19:30 PM] Rabbit Master is betrayed by a friend yet nothing comes of it
Rabbit Master reports:

Betrayal, shock, scandal, chess. Are just some of the words that describe my recent events in the assasains guild. My fellow member of the college chess team. Simon "the betrayer" Taylor informed other assasains of where we were meeting and when with the view of enjoying a sick pleasure of seeing me die infront of him. Unfortunately one of these assasins was a corrupt policeman and notified me of the fact. Thus I took greater precaution in arriving and ensured my weapons were easy to access. However the hype was for nothing and No-one made a noticable attempt to kill me. Instead I merely was able to berate Simon, and came close to killing an innocent.

[19:50 PM] Daniel Baker (NOW I AM BECOME DAN, DESTROYER OF STUFF) has become dead due to Knives
Knives reports:

At 7:50 this evening, a rather good natured police officer came knocking on my door. My days as an incompetent must have taken away my edge, because when he knocked I did not check the door, but instead simply told the would-be-killer to enter. Luckily, his aim was much worse than his disposition, and he only struck my right thumb with his rubber-band gun. The shock of losing my appendage gave me a moments pause, in which he declared his victory, foolishly assuming me to be dead. Regaining my wits, I took advantage of his excitement and stabbed him in the chest with my good hand. As he lay dieing, he looked up at my and whispered something that I could not here. I leaned closer and he said, "Would you like a sweet?" With the last of his strength he produced a bag of sweets and seeing as it was the courteous thing to do, I took one. Then he died.

Knives reports:

Knives was all too welcoming to policemen for an incompetent, and found himself on the wrong end of a rubber band gun. But once the initial confusion faded, it transpired that only his hand had been hit, which unfortunately wasn't enough hands to prevent him reaching for a knife and stabbing me.

[20:30 PM] Bobo (the Otter) doesn't find The Jazz Monkey
Bobo (the Otter) reports:

A nice person told me that if I stood on a particular corner at a particular time, I might be lucky and see The Jazz Monkey walking past! But alas, I must have got the wrong time, as no The Jazz Monkey was to be seen anywhere, or on any nearby corners for that matter. Sadface...

[21:00 PM] Robert Cecil goes hunting for Bobo (The Otter) and Rabbit Master but ends up killing Emma Nash (bunnies)
Robert Cecil reports:

Today, I hung around Rabbit Master's house to try and catch him leaving for dinner (1800), but he appeared to have already gone by the time I got there. Figuring he was probably already dead anyway, I had my own dinner then headed to [UNSPECIFIED COLLEGE ACCOMMODATION] to try and catch Bobo (The Otter) returning from his sup. I lurked around his house for 30 minutes (1850 to 1910) but sadly it seems he was already back in his house and I didn't see anyone enter or leave. I th---


As I was writing the above, (2105ish) someone knocked on my door, and tried to push it open! Fearing an attempt on my life was imminent, I opened the door a crack and heard the distinctive click-click of a rubber band gun. I quickly shut the door, at which point my equally quick-thinking corridor-mates convinced my would-be assassin that departure would be wise as reinforcements would be on their way. As soon as she'd fled, I ran from my room, weapons in hands. Pounding down the street I eventually caught up with my assailant and she took shelter behind a nearby car. A short stalemate ensured which eventually ended with her getting rather soaked from my recently-acquired WWC gun. Fearing backup myself, I retreated to my room, and proceeded to dictate this urgent dispatch to yours truly. Regretfully, I neglected to find out my assassin's name. Please advise.

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