The Assassins' Guild - Week 4 News
The Assassins' Guild - Week 4 NewsSocialising, boy? Enjoying your studies, boy? Detention, you'll be collecting Dewberry Dangles in the Forbidden Forest tonight...
Today, the Amazing Chocolate Orange and I went out a-hunting, going to a jolly unspecified building, with a chap on the inside to let us in, don't you know. Anyway, we reach the room of a known incompetent, Mr The Carpenter, and knock...
We waited.
And waited.
"Egad!" says I, realising the unthinkable. "The boy isn't in! He's out having some form of social life."
"Gadzooks, you bally well aren't un-incorrect, you rogering old salt" replied The Orange.
And so our evening ended uneventfully without any spilt blood on the old Persian, know what I mean, sir? Say no more, say no more...
I searched high and low for Nikolay. But he was elsewhere. His house, deserted, by 8:00pm; my eager cycling patrols were to little avail. Perhaps this assassin is onto me.
The college was infiltrated quickly- the door readily opened to the residents.
Finding her room was not a difficulty either but she was not in her room. All people were cooking in the kitchen, which seemed like an easy strike but more than 1 girl was in that kitchen. So to determine which one, I walked in and called her name, "Sio-Ban" expecting her to react to the call. But all of them simply stared and went about their normal business.
What was I to do, 1 would almost definately be the assassin. Killing all of them would have been the simplest although not a very tidy approach. However, aside a person called me over in secret in the shadows of the corridoors who wished to help solve my dilemma.
A disgruntled neighbour who was wishing to get revenge on Siobhan after she had finished the last of the milk chocolate digestives, promptly gave away her identity and the assassin took a straight shot to the chest. After which Siobhan crawled towards me, clenching my jacket and with her dying breathes declared, "My name is pronouced Sha-von! SHA-VON!!!" . The neighbour then ran off taking great pleasure in the vengence of their beloved biscuits and I ran off to Sainsbury's.
Arriving in the centre of the college late friday night, I found Richard Hall involved in drunken revelry. However, a quick knife in back delt with this behaviour most efficiently.
Heading out one fine afternoon to take out one of my targets I found his room with little difficulty. However I received no answer upon knocking on his door and despite repeated attempts and concealing myself in his corridor for some time I could not catch sight of him. Disappointed I set out for home, fatally stowing my weapons away and I had not left the college when an all to familiar face with an all too familiar brand of water pistol leapt out at me. My end was all too swift.
It was raining terribly today. Somehow I mustered the courage to go outside. Everything was wet. Even Ed Morland... who clearly wasn't hydrophobic enough.
Standing beneath the cascading downpour, sheltering under a flimsy umbrella purchased at the local newsagents, Captain Charlie looked on drearily at the dwelling commonly known to its residents and those of [College Name Expunged From Imperial Records] as [Street Name Expunged From Imperial Records]. Why could [Assassin Name Expunged From Imperial Records] not see it from someone else's point of view? The swift release from a rubber band to the lower abdomen would be a far sweeter demise than the cruel calculating merciless lightning of His Royal Umpiricalness' Thunderbolts...
Charlie departed, glancing anxiously over his shoulder at his killer triceratops, and wondered how long Sunderbird could go on without the sweet juicy morsels of meat from freshers, incos, wanteds and corrupts alike, before he turned on his master...
Right then boys, listen carefully and I'll explain the meticulous steps necessary in the slaying of an awkward Incobeast, like this one. 1) Find his college. This is not always as simple as it seems. If in doubt, ask Nearly Shot Twillo, he's usually floating around. 2) If his college is locked, smile at a shy girl leaving and ask her for directions to his building. She will be so taken aback at your gallantry she will forget the fact that she is allowing you access to a locked area. 3) Find accommodation block - if shy girl fails to tell you where this is, use map. 4) Follow someone in to locked block, and if possible check the floor above or below to familiarise yourself with layout. 5) Identify target's door and window - note lights, open windows, etc. 6) If taget's floor is locked as well, wait a few minutes halfway up the stairs to the floor above. 7) When someone enters target's flat, wait until the perfect moment and catch the door JUST before it shuts.Hold door in this position until innocent enters room. 8) Go to target's door. Charge in - if locked, quietly (sudden change of motion, but doable). 9) If locked, knock. If spyhole, wait around convenient corner or beside/under door visibility. If not, wait around corner slightly, gun out, point at door. 10) Shoot bang on in chest through gap with quick spurt of water as target tries to shut door. Chat to target, offer chocolate. 11) Eat well-earned Kinder Bueno. 12) Repeat, until all Incobeasts dead. 13) Win. 14) Lose (the game :P).
I heard a rumour that a certain Chris Milligan was using swords to terrify children in a local playground. I went to interview the witnesses, but the kids just ran away screaming soon as they saw me. Anyone'd think they'd never seen a heavily armed badass with an eye patch before. Anyways, when I went to confront Chris I immediately realised the rumour was false. No sooner had I knocked on his door, he threw open his upstairs window and started unloading a metric fucktonne of darts at me. I dived for cover, and we began trading shots. He even threw a God damn water bomb out the window, but luckily I didn't receive any splash damage. I was almost out of ammo. Things were lookin' pretty desperate, but one of my shots finally found its mark; incredibly, I hit him right between the eyes. For some strange reason, I got a really strong sense of déjà vu about the whole thing.
Remember kids: guns don't kill people, swords kill people.
In the dead of night one might say - one Cautionary Tales of Swords paid a visit to my place of supposed sanctuary after a particularly inviting facebook conversation. he came armed and 10 minute shootout ensued between he in the street and me in the top floor window. unbelievably, one of his darts breached the narrow opening i had allowed for my own weapon and struck me squarely between the eyes. i expire, but not without a word of warning...watch this Cautionary Tales of Swords. He will pound your face.
Third time lucky, girl, you knew you wouldn't escape me forever... Cauldron scrubbing for an hour.
At around 13:45 I arrived in [UNSPECIFIED] college hoping to find the incompetent The Amazing Chocolate Orange, but alas his staircase was locked to all but residents with university cards. I lurked around the area containing the entrance to the staircase but no-one was around to let me in or even stare suspiciously at me. After a while I decided to leave in favour of a gathering of assassins on the backs, and happened to meet one that tried to kill me last week.
After this at about 16:30 I again found myself outside his staircase but this time some kind people opened the door so I subtly sneaked inside and up the stairs. They opened the door to his corridor for me as well, only to find a 3rd protected lock, this time on his own door. However this one I could not pass, and I gained no response from knocking or in the kitchen, so a little later I decided to return home, and unfortunately did not pass him on the way down.
Pierre Novelie is no more. And accomplice (who shall remain nameless) and I infiltrated his building before knocking on his door. After much fumbling and sounds much akin to getting out of bed (sorry again for that...) he opened his door and was stabbed with a pencil shaped knife.
Someone should really teach those Eldritch Abominations to use street maps. It would make conquering humanity so much easier...
On second thought, that's probably why they haven't...
After a long 40 minute wait outside her room, Aayushi Sen finally woke up and emerged, and i stabbed in the chest.
After a rather failed Attempt to gain Entrance to The Carpenter's
Fortress, I took my chances with Nothing Up My Sleeve.
Despite his Status set to Out and the Empty Rubbish Bin outside his
room, I Lurked for a while on the Staircase.
He Emerged a few minutes later, and I Leaped Up, firing at him Thrice.
Most Disappointingly, he Fled back to his Room,
locking the Door. He Cheerfully informed me that all Limbs were still
in Working Order and no Gaping Cavities had appeared on his Chest or
Head. Realising I'd lost the Element of Surprise, I Lingered for just
a few more minutes before Heading Back, Unsuccessful and Disappointed.
Severus snipe killed me - I had an rbg, he had a water gun - no contest
Departing the Leaky Cauldron after a quick drink with a certain hooded stranger, I espied a familiar face in one of the gloomier houses, filled no doubt with disreputable characters of ill intent. He knew I was there, and looked twitchy, but I had an eye on all exits. He departed surrounded by a group of friends, but I expected this. Wand drawn but concealed in my cloak, I laid a trap for him. When he passed, shielded from the front by innocent female witches, I blasted a hole in his back.
Found Bobo (The Otter) strolling down the street, knowing fully well he was after me tried to ambush him but the damn boi was too nimble and skilled with the drumstick, that he deflected my knife attacks:( he then ran and hid in Zizzi's and an essay for 10 am the next morning made me abandon this pursuit.
It all happened so fast. I heard voices coming up the stairs - "Ah yes, Jack McKenna". As the head of my assassin emerged from the stairwell I ran through my options. My hand went for the sword that I always kept by my desk - and which, for once, was surprisingyly unforthcoming! I could do no more than glance around and see I had left it on top of my chest of drawers, and by that time my foe was closing in. I stood, perhaps subconsciously in a desperate attempt to run and shut the door, but all I could do was freeze as, as though in slow motion, he tossed somethng underarm through the door. I was surprised when it hit my elbow and failed to bounce off - I had but a moment to twist my arm and see a dark, eight-legged shape latch on before with a slight prick it sank its fangs into my skin - with that, my vision blurred and that, as they say, was that.
After quite a long dry spell, Jack the Ripper Jr is back in action (like all true psychopaths I refer to myself (he refers to himself ?!) in the third person). After using a dastardly piece of deception to gain entry to the grounds, I hurried upstairs and dispatched Jack McKenna from a distance, this time relying on my deadly killer attack spiders.
Today, having worked overtime to finish my essay, I was really excited that this morning I'd be able to get up early to kill Hayley Sharp. After locating her house, I waited at a safe distance to watch her leave, then followed her, all the while trying to get close enough to have a stab. Eventually she got to her department, and after tailing her through some cardcoded doors I was finally within stabbing range of her back. So, on the staircase, STABBY STAB STAB said I! We had a nice little chat, in which I failed to find chocolate for her and she wished me good luck for the rest of the game, and I walked away feeling happy to have met such a nice person, and that I'd finally got a kill and proven myself as an assassin. I returned home to find she'd been thunderbolted last Sunday. fml
I hide by lecture theatre. Target walks out. I stabby stabby. Why can't all kills be this friendly?
This evening I decided to lurk Lazar Clarent's department. Unfortunately, said department is maze-like and largely locked, so the best place to lurk seemed to be the bike racks. I thought he would be finishing work around the time I waited for him- he wasn't.
Cowards! Infidels! Hiding behind ingenious machicolations such as not answering a knock on the door, not letting a shifty looking man into your flat, and not being at home at all! Get your ruddy act together and come out and fight us like men! Men who eat beef and capture miliary bases for fun.
Mmm... beef.
I at last managed to locate the staircase upon which Simon Abernethy was resident, having been confounded by the signs here in the past. Upon reaching the top of his staircase, I heard a door shut, and looked down the corridor to see that the posters on his door had recently been disturbed - he had just left or entered his room. Gun in hand, I tried the door handle, and to my surprise it swung open, revealing a deserted room. Drawing my other pistol, I waited in an open wardrobe for my target to return, which he did fairly quickly. He seemed quite startled at finding an assassin in his room; I think if the bullets hadn't killed him, the heart attack would have...
Unbelievably someone has finally managed to work out where my room is! Sadly this gentleman had nefarious intentions. Having let himself into the room whilst I was engaged in the manly business of washing up he lay in wait. Upon my return he promptly jumped out from behind a cupboard and blew me away in a flurry of rubber bands. It was most displeasing, though also the funniest thing that's happened to me all week! May I convey my hearty congratualtions to him for his good work!
I have most regrettable news. After lurking at Murdoc's house for a short period, I decided to move to Kings for Roman Sztyler. As I entered I saw someone looking very much like him carrying food, but before I gathered my wits he entered and locked his room. Shy, I decided to wait outside. After far too long, a friend of his walked past. Who decided it was totally worth betraying a friend for a random person lurking suspiciously in a corridor who he's never met. As he was let in I went to speak to Roman, yet somehow managed to shoot him in the chest. Multiple times. I can only hope I am forgiven.
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