Cloak & Dagger The Assassins' Guild - Week 1 News

Thursday, 22 October

[05:00 AM] The Game begins!

There are between n and m live players. Go kill!

[08:33 AM] Warren Hochfeld (Pablo Escobar) retired from the game

[08:45 AM] The Jazz Monkey stabbed Richard Digby (... really can't think of anything!)
The Jazz Monkey reports:

Wandering into the the labarynth of St John's, with the piercing eyes of a mandrill I noticed my target appear from a random door and pass right by me. Stalking him down the road, I sprung like a crazed gibbon going for a banana and stabbed Richard Digby square in the back with a knife. Having told him to hand me that skin, I went off to find a Gutbucket for a celebratory drink!

[08:54 AM] Caroline Tanner (In cambridge, no-one can hear you scream), especially when shot by Murdoc
Murdoc reports:

This morning at 08:54, Murdoc shot Caroline Tanner as she walked to her lectures.

[13:00 PM] The ninja pirate monkey (also a zombie) ran away and I just lost the game
The ninja pirate monkey (also a zombie) reports:

I don't know whether he was just trying to freak me out, genuinely had me as a target or still wanted to kill me regardless, but I just lost the game slowly sauntered towards me after a lecture then gave chase after I decided to make a break for it on my bike. However, this is a vital case of bike > running. See? Paranoia can be a good thing!

[14:20 PM] Philemon brutally splattered Paul Stanyon (The Malevolent Tortoise). Someone call the RSPCA.
Philemon reports:

Once the killer was in the building Paul stood no chance, welcoming any visitor to his room and not even being in the possession of a weapon. It was a quick, focused and deadly encounter and one can but hope that other Freshers will be better prepared.

[18:00 PM] Nessa Cavilihr broke a Samuel James Walker (Heartbreaker)
Nessa Cavilihr reports:

After an unsuccessful afternoon campaign which revealed the target was away from their primary residence, I leashed my rabid unidentified rabbit-like creature, my main attack weapon, and returned stealthily to headquarters, almost being discovered along the short journey by another known assassin. Being in the same college as my target had its advantages, for I was able to make a second attempt on the target's life in the space of hours; just before teatime, in fact. Inside intelligence by a co-resident taught me that the room was indeed occupied by the one I was searching for. Somehow I had amassed a small team of spectators, and one of these knocked carelessly on the door. Having opened the door, I ascertained the assassin's identity and then unleashed the unidentified rabid creature, with the foam of madness flowing from behind its sharp white canines. Okay, so my target didn't catch rabies, but the assassination certainly was complete. Strange, apparently the unidentified rabid creature I used in the kill bore some strange resemblance to a Studio Gibli character...

[19:00 PM] Dr Zeus found a Sophie Catt (John Doe) but could not revive her.
John Doe reports:

I was off guard, just sat in my room working, and someone knocked at my door. It was someone I knew (Dr Zeus), so I let him in, and was stabbed with his Sword of Doom.

[21:35 PM] David Piggott (Mr. Brightside) failed to kill M.Fail, failed so much in fact that he died.
Mr. Brightside reports:

The attempt was with a Uni-Ball Signo Gel Grip Knife (2009 model) and custom 'knife' decals. It failed. The target shot me with an elastic band when he opened the door to his room

M.Fail reports:

Around 9.35 there was a knock on my door, and i opened it brandishing a rubber band gun. The guy at the door looked surprised and i didn't see his weapon, so i hesitated to shoot, but when he said "aren't you supposed to say bang?" and came at me with a knife I pulled the trigger and shot him in the chest. With his dying breath he told me he was Mr Brightside.

[22:29 PM] Irene Adler attempted to lure SurpriseBobcat from his lair
Irene Adler reports:

I tried to lure him out of his room and shoot him in the corridor with a water pistol. Unfortunately my aim is not what it should be and he survives, for now.

SurpriseBobcat reports:

An unknown assassin attempted to lure me from my room by knocking the door and kill me with a water pistol. Luckily i foiled his intricate plan by dodging the badly aimed shot and shutting the door.

[23:30 PM] Marco set off a Jamie Gibson (Rocket Baby)
Marco reports:

The target's door was unlocked, and he happily accepted visitors of the assassin variant. Rubber bands to the chest were applied immediately. On the upside, he plays Muse quite well.

[23:30 PM] Ventura shot Hannah Kirklin (mzbalsamic)
Ventura reports:

After making friends with her staircase, I carried out my devious attack plan involving shooting her in the eye. I knocked on the door. She asked "who is it?" I replied "Ventura!" There followed a 3 minute pause, after which she opened the door, and I shot her in the eye with a rubber projectile.

Friday, 23 October

[00:30 AM] Riff-Raff killed Esther Nicoll (Paff)
Riff-Raff reports:

I managed to sneakily kill Esther Nicholl with a sneaky knife by sneaking up on her with said sneaky knife in a sneaky manner at about half past midnight in her own college. It was somewhat obvious in that she saw me coming however, but wasn't paranoid enough to survive (amateurs!).

[10:20 AM] Charlie Schoonman (the anatidaephobic one) falls victim to Roboto De Disastre
the anatidaephobic one reports:

Between two bleary-eyed lectures this morning at 10, my lust for tea temporarily overcame my lust for blood. This foolish desire caused me to leave my safe seat in the lecture theatre. As I was negotiating an overfull cup of piping hot tea back to the lecture theatre, a certain Roboto De Disastre sneaked up on me and stabbed me with his rulerknife. All of a sudden, I had two hot fluids to worry about, just when I thought I was on the home stretch. Blood and tea don't taste very well together, by the way. Remember kids: a duck may be watching you at any point in time. Or an assassin, for that matter.

[10:30 AM] Alexander Potts (Eric Fletcher) fails to lock his door and dies to Robert Cecil
Robert Cecil reports:

Late in the morning, Robert Cecil coincidentally found himself at the college of one A. Potts, and with plenty of time to spare a decision was made to locate the target's room. This accomplished with the aid of a map, Mr. Cecil proceeded to the room in question, and finding it unlocked, entered and killed A. Potts in short order. A surprised A. Potts was heard profaning shortly thereafter.

[11:00 AM] Robert Cecil has a busy morning. Edward West (I'm going in for the pill, Im doing it cos I'm ill...) is the next to die.
Robert Cecil reports:

Subsequently to the aforementioned affair, Robert Cecil advanced to the previously determined location of his second target, and upon identifying him inside a restricted area, loitered around outside until E. West unsuspectingly emerged. At the mention of his name, he turned around and, letting out a brief cry of alarm, met with a speedy death.

[11:00 AM] Luchas runs away...
Luchas reports:

Honoured bicikesiy, I hope that this búsuc finds you in good health. The situation here in the Shivines is far worse than I expected when I accepted this assignment. One would hope that such an ancient and esteemed university would be free from intrigue and xwemeludo, but the pathless Bezusú are very much in evidence! The power of Shumbeor is not as diminished as we have hoped. As I was walking through [UNSPECIFIED XAMUNAR] I spotted three of the feared Bezusú. Two of them saw me, but did not attempt to attack. Fortunately I was armed with my trusty teyp. I decided not to attack as neither was an assigned target; I hope you will agree that this is a wise course of action. Very shortly afterwards, a third Bezusu was obverved advancing towards me. I beat a hasty retreat and was not spotted. But they are still watching. I can sense them everywhere. THEY ARE COMING. Oyes endi mu shu -- "Luchas"

[12:00 PM] the Nesquik Assassin banged Emma Clegg (Satsuma La Roux)
the Nesquik Assassin reports:

Miss Emma Clegg was sadly murdered today around twelve-ish with a disgustingly mouldy banana gun by yours truly

[13:00 PM] Chris Hands (I just lost the game) continued being a tard and was shot by The ninja pirate monkey (also a zombie)

Despite Chris Hands not being a target nor a legitimate assassin, The ninja pirate monkey (also a zombie) will not become wanted. This is because Chris Hands was acting threateningly.

[13:01 PM] Joe Reed (The Emperor's fist) is no match for The Darkness
The Darkness reports:

The Darkness is coming. It came for Joseph Reed. And it shall come to you all.

[14:00 PM] Nothing Up My Sleeve did, in fact, have an RBG up his sleeve and shot Thomas Craig Hodgson (Vladimir Killov)
Nothing Up My Sleeve reports:

Thomas Hodgson is no more, entering his college at 13:45 I was dissaponted to find his room empty. My disappointment was shortlived, however, as on exiting the building I was delighted to meet him coming the other way, chatting to a friend from another university with a suitcase. A rubber band from my lugar to the back of the head dispatched Tom and, though tempted to remove his bewildered friend as well, I restrained myself and moved on.

Vladimir Killov reports:

Vladimir Killov was enjoying a nice stroll when he walked past an unassuming man in black. Unfortunately, he was Nothing Up My Sleeve, who actually did have a RBG up his sleeve, and duly killed him.

[15:50 PM] The corpse mutilation begins! Rambo pays Thomas Craig Hodgson's grave a visit.

[16:00 PM] Elizabeth Robinshaw (Red Squirrel) not cautious enough and gets her head blown off by Arundel
Arundel reports:

A second visit today to Elizabeth Robinshaw resulted in her (cautiously, though not cautiously enough) opening her door and me promptly shooting her square in the face (And almost simultaneously stabbing her). This is despite her earlier having seen me sneaking around her staircase and asking of her.

[16:00 PM] Julian Willis (Rohypnol perpetuality) is ended by Silent
Rohypnol perpetuality reports:

My assassin first made himself known to me with a sorry excuse for an assassination attempt, claiming to have a supervision in my room. An hour after he left unsuccessful, I went to the porters lodge to hand in some work and was unwittingly tailed. On my way back, my assassin stabbed me in the back with a distinctly pen-shaped knife and left me for dead.

[17:06 PM] Timothy Waters (Niccolo Machiavelli) is not sufficiently Machiavellian and is stabbed by a Baby Gorilla

[18:20 PM] Septimus Hodge destroys Mason Robert Edwards (Divinity)
Septimus Hodge reports:

While cooking a nice meal with friends a suspicious looking chap knocked on the door of the kitchen and asked if someone of my name resided there. Closing the door on him immediately I picked up my weapon and ran round to the nearest other exit which I then exited and fired several rounds into my would be assailant. Satisfied with a good job well done I went back to the food.

[19:00 PM] Andrew Edgar (The Fat Man) ate too much of Bobo (The Otter)

[20:20 PM] Emma Kudzin (Ray Sersharpe) and Sophie Drummond (Lady Nightstalker) team up but both die. YEAH BUDDAY!
YEAH BUDDAY! reports:

At around 20:20 I was in my room when I heared a knock on the door and someone claiming to be from a random society, I just told them to hold up whilst I armed myself. On opening the door I saw two assassins, both of whom I shot swiftly and multiple times with my rubber band gun.

Lady Nightstalker reports:

I went on mission with a fellow assassin(Emma Kudzin) as our targets were in the same college. We entered [UNSPECIFIED COLLEGE] by the porter's lodge and did a few laps of the college in a desperate and subtle hunt for buildings [CENSORED]. We fail and go and ask the porter who tells us where they are and we'll need a key to get in. We calmly tell him we'll call on our friend another time. Undeterred we go and reconnoitre regardless. We then lurk by the locked door pretending to call someone until we are let in by someone else. We then proceed to my fellow assassins first target - YEAH BUDDAY!. However the attempt backfires when he fails to fall for her innocent "do you want to join pooh soc?" line and manages to exterminate with a volley of shots from his rubberband gun. From very close range, I might add, not very skillful in my humble and inept opinion.

[22:00 PM] Marco killed Daniel Jay Davies (Kindness)
Marco reports:

Today, I murdered another of my targets. Daniel Jay Davies was quite happy to open the door to persons of a mysterious nature. His female companion was naturally perplexed.

[23:00 PM] James Hollingshead (Tanglefoot) got entangled with cross-dressing The Jam Sandwich (of death)
The Jam Sandwich (of death) reports:

At the queens' ent, I attended in a hula skirt and other lovely ladies' items. After a spot of asking round, I tracked down James Hollingshead, and took a knife from my bosom to stab him through the heart. He really shouldn't have responded to his own name. Let this be a warning to you: never trust a man in drag!

Saturday, 24 October

[10:15 AM] Count Peduran crushed Mubdiu Reza Chowdhury (imarock)
Count Peduran reports:

Mubidu "Omi" Reza Chowdhury is no more! A simple knock on the door, followed by a "are you Omi?" and a bang-kill with my trusty .45 elastic band gun was enough to send the sleepy-looking (and pyjama-clad) Omi to his 10:15 saturday morning grave. On my way into [UNSPECIFIED] court I had to dodge perils such as a gaggle of French-speaking foreign executives having a tea-party and a very menacing yet extremely helpful porter. Such are the dangers of our profession.

imarock reports:

I was assassinated today. Was woken up by Count Peduran knocking on my door. Real stealthy.

[13:00 PM] The president has been saved! Katherine Gammie (Inhabitant of one grassy knoll) taken down by the Nesquik Assassin
the Nesquik Assassin reports:

Kay Gammie was enjoying brunch at about 1-ish, but wasn't expecting fruit with "gun" written on it to be pointed in her direction.

[13:15 PM] A game of cat and mouse ends up with Daniel Turner (Black Badger) dying. Neil B Formy the victor.
Neil B Formy reports:

I, Neil B Formy, was leaving a lecture theatre at 12pm when Dan Turner approached me and apologised for what was about to happen. He pulled out a gun and fired, but to his dismay the pellet fell to the ground. In a panic, I rushed to my bike and ran with it for a while, at which point he tried and failed yet again. I popped on my bike and made a hasty retreat back to [unspecified college]. After grabbing some weaponry and hiding out, I was informed by another assassin that he was waiting outside my room ready to finish me off. I decided to comfront him but he was nowhere to be found. I then found out his location and went there to eliminate him at around 1.15pm. Unfortunately when I knocked he only opened his door a small amount and I was unable to get him with my rubber band gun. I then retreated to fix a jam and reload. When I returned to his room I fired at the person who opened the door; this person happened to be Samuel Walker (an already dead assassin), used as a decoy. I then hid around a corner and heard Dan Turner go outside his room. Assuming that he'd gone to his kitchen opposite his room, I went in to confront him and fired many bands, and I was successful in bringing the miscreant down.

The Umpire would like to remind players that dead assassins should not accomplice live players.

[14:50 PM] Omar does what the vietnamese, russians and hillbilly sheriffs could not. James Philip Robert Tiffin (Rambo) dies.
Omar reports:

I, Omar, took out Rambo. He made the ultimate schoolboy error of leaving his door open, so I wandered in and calmly terminated him with a throwing knife to the chest.

Rambo reports:

I was attacked by an innocent looking little boy. When I saw him enter my room, I considered offering him a lollipop, instead of offering him my knife. I did throw my knife at him, but it missed, and he stabbed me violently with a biro knife. You know how in horror films there's usually a little kid who does all the creepy killing and stuff? Yeah, thats him.

Just for the record, all reports will be written as though the killer is male to avoid giving away genders of pseudonyms.

[15:45 PM] Allowing Dragonflys to cut your arm earns you an M.Fail
Dragonfly reports:

I managed to sever his hand with my handy sword. Cowardly, my target then locked himself in his room, and he'll have regenerated his hand by now. Altogether not very successful.

[18:10 PM] Another player guilty of opening their door, another corpse. Paul Butcher (asdf123) shot by Sali Dali
Sali Dali reports:

Having cunningly researched the house mates of my victim and coming up with a plausible excuse, my accomplices and i made for his house around 18.00 today. We explored all routes of entry before settling on ringing his doorbell, wherefore Paul Butcher made all pre-planning unnecessary by answering the door unarmed. One of my accomplices started to chatter to him to draw his attention while i whipped round the door and shot him with the nerf gun squarely in the chest :)

Sunday, 25 October

[00:00 AM] Chris Wade kills Shluf illegally.

Due to the particular nature of this kill, it has been annulled and Chris made wanted.

[10:30 AM] David Clarke attempts to surprise a conman but fails.
Roboto De Disastre reports:

At 9.30 and 10.30 Roboto De Disastre made attempts on conman's life. unfortunately, by the second time he had caught wind of my machinations and proceeded to taunt me from his bedroom window as I fled.

[12:31 PM] Pradeepa Sivasanthiran (RuinedPuzzle) resigns from the game

[14:55 PM] Roboto De Disastre enters David Marc Jones (The Manic Moleman)'s den and stabs him.

[15:30 PM] 22135 - bombs dropped and they missed Cous-cous.

[15:40 PM] An Innocent Bystander is out in cambridge
An Innocent Bystander reports:

I innocently bystood the room of a certain fellow (in the generic, not the Cambridge sense) today and (being entirely innocent) attempted to operate the door handle; alas, it was locked. The character in question did not appear, which is a shame for him, as I was only going to enage him in polite conversation (because I am completely innocent, of course...)

[16:30 PM] Luchas is hungry and goes looking for mrpasta
Luchas reports:

Honoured bicikesiy, I have recently determined the approximate whereabouts of my first prospective jesaup. I approached the residence of the notorious ricayc mrpasta in {UNSPECIFIED DZUSNAR], but discovered that he had just left the building. A search around the dzusnar showed no sign... li cunde oraeji. Oyes endi mu shu -- "Luchas"

[17:00 PM] Lilly the Pig has trouble opening locked doors. Boris Johnson, Mayor of Death and the lobster remain safe.

[19:00 PM] Climate change is real. Chloe Ursula Wallis (Pseudy Pseu) killed by Rain
Rain reports:

On this cold winter's evening I took a trip up the hill through the howling gales to lurk a target. She obligingly turned up to dinner and was promptly knifed in the stomach. Faith divides us. Death unites us.

[19:10 PM] Big Dave enjoys killing Yarden Brody (Sali Dali) rather too much.
Big Dave reports:

Alright me lover! Just to inform you that I killed Yarden Brody today at about 7:10pm, in the kitchen of her shared house. Fortuitously (for me rather than her), she happens to live in the room next to a friend of mine, so it was fairly easy to infiltrate the premises. As I was shown into the kitchen where dinner was being served, my target poked her head out of her bedroom door, to be reassured by everyone that I probably wasn't going to kill her. Paranoid, but not enough! Placated, she made the mistake of joining us... As we chatted in the kitchen and I felt into my hand for my trusty blade, I noticed Yarden edging away from me. Realising that time was short, I lunged at her, plunging my knifey biro deep into her chest several times. Just in case she hadn't got the gist of what I was doing, I screamed "STABBY STAB STAB STAB!" a little overexcitedly. It took many seconds for what had just occurred to sink in, as the other people in the room assumed it had been a joke... I feel dirty, evil and devious. In other words, BIG DAVE HAS NEVER FELT BETTER! Til next time you Janners! GREEN ARMY!!! Big Dave x

[20:25 PM] Alex Bower (Orlando Boom) and Palika Bhasin (Awkward Palmtree) make the rookie mistake of believing a door is the only exit. bah stabs them both in the back.
bah reports:

So I heard knocking at my door. Since none other than potential assassins would be coming unannounced at that hour, someone would be dying soon. I drew my twin knives, vaulted out of the window and charged the fools from behind, knowing that they would not expect the hunted to become the hunter. As I approached my own front door, I saw them there, the fools who were trying to kill me: Alex Bower (Orlando Boom) and Palika Bhasin (Awkward Palmtree)! The former had his back turned, cosh ready to strike me if I opened the main door, while the latter caught me in the corner of her eye. A brief shriek from her was all the warning he had, before I simultaneously plunged my two daggers in their bodies, ending their miserable lives... Crap, I think I might be turning into Ezio.

[20:30 PM] A skirmish occurs. Hester Thorneycroft, The Amazing Chocolate Orange and Count Peduran kill Neal Carr (Dragonfly), Peter William Hatfield (Mr Moore) and an innocent
Count Peduran reports:

On an unsuccessful trip hunting for fresh meat, myself and my trusty accomplices for the mission, Hester Thorneycroft and The Amazing Chocolate Orange, we recieved a mysterious signal in the form of typed characters on a mobile telephony device mentioning that shifty individuals had infiltrated one of our inner sanctums. We set off post haste in the direction of Hester's humble abode to head off the ruffians and teach them some manners. Upon arrival, we noticed in the corridoor two unsavoury gents, armed to the teeth with assassiny weaponry. The Orange managed to slip past the scoundrels without them noticing the gun-shaped bulge in his pocket. Hester pulled her trusty elastic-based sidearm and fired off two shots, but unfortunately an unwitting choral scholar wandered into the crossfire and had his head blown clean off, which annoyed him considerably. During the ensuing confusion (which included the headless tenor threatening one of the villains with a CICCU poster), The Orange in all his shifty glory whipped out his six-shooter and loosed a slug into one of the distracted fiends' chest. I should point out that at this stage I was heroically bringing up the rear in the stairwell, covering our backs at considerable personal peril. At the sight of the bloodstain left by his fallen comrade on the paintwork, the second cad turned tail and fled into an apparent dead-end. A stake out ensued as we stared each other down from 20 yards away, all of us aware of the limitations of our weapons' range. A minute or so passed, but it seemed like eternity as we leered at the deranged madman cowering at the end of the corridoor. Until he noticed the fire escape route. Dashing down the stairs, The Orange and I gave chase while Hester retraced our original steps. We chased him across several courts, out onto the pavement outside the college. The Orange is a younger, fitter man than I (my old legs fail me from time to time) and so was closer. He had spent a clip of rubber bands trying to take down his prey. He resorted to using his trusty attack beast, which was drawn to the rogue (it's a shiftiness-seeking beast) and it mauled him to death. He collapsed to the ground in a mangled heap, but it was too late, the beast had its taste of flesh and needed more. It feasted on him. I arrived on the scene in time to examine the remains of the second corpse. I found a girly pocket diary identifying him as Neal Carr, a known maniac. We examined the first corpse too and an emboidered hankerchief revealed him to be Peter Hetfield, that most notorious cur.

Hester Thorneycroft reports:

We thought the journey had been a failure, walking back mournfully to my college. I had travelled over roads and pavements, past traffic lights and cars, with two fellow assassins, to the home of my target, and their target. But neither had been present. We were heavily armed with an assortment of weapons, notably rubber-band-pistols. Our melancholy reverie was broken by a text to my phone - "your assassins are here". This message was from a friend, living right in the heart of my home - these assassins were waiting, outside my door, like stealthy panthers, prepared to strike. With a knife and a bow and arrow. We needed to act fast. We texted the friend back to charm them silly and keep them there, then rushed back, hands on triggers into my college. Together we raced up the stairs and found, on my home floor, the two assassins, within a group of people, and a flash of recognition crossed their faces as we appeared. The Amazing Chocolate Orange, one of my fellow assassins, went through the doors first, infiltrating the (about to become) battle-zone without causing the alarm bells of our foes to ring. I was next. Whipping only my hand around the doors I fired shots, and Peter -my assigned assassin - dodged them skillfully, but both of us were out of reach in the labyrinthine corridor. But we held the ace. The Chocolate Orange dropped his civilian disguise, and raised his gun. He did so quick as a flash, but it felt like slow motion, and fired just one shot, but it was fatal. My assassin was dead. At some point in the battle, a talented observing tenor chorister was tragically lost to a loose bullet. He got it in the face. Now only the tall archer (Neal) was left, and he used a small doorway as his hiding-position. Unfortunately, this doorway led to the room of the deceased chorister, who was now rather annoyed and marched up as only a choral corpse can, remonstrating at the intruding assassin accomplice. For a time it was a stalemate, until the 'chesspiece at the other end of the board' saw his escape. A great escape. A fire-escape, actually. And he ran for it. And I ran to meet him escaping outside. As did my two assassin accomplices, Count Peduran and The Chocolate Orange. As did a few spirited observers, clearly animated by the heavy violence. It's Cambridge, surely running round with guns is a perfectly respectable and common hobby. The archer was ahead, sprinting out of the doors and out of the college, but while I could not match his pace, The Amazing Chocolate Orange and Count Peduran were gaining on him. The Amazing Chocolate Orange fired a few times, but missed. Now, however, both had nearly caught up, and according to reports from eye-witnesses, The Amazing Chocolate Orange released a Feral Beast which brought the archer down outside the college gates. The mission was accomplished. And now, legend tells that if you walk through my college, in the middle of the evenings, the ghost of a chorister can be heard... singing "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN MY DOORWAY?! Don't you know I'm going to kill you with this CICCU poster?!!!"

For shooting an innocent Hester Thorneycroft has been made wanted

The Amazing Chocolate Orange reports:

I am The Amazing Chocolate Orange: formidable warrior, Pokémon Master and delicious treat. I have much to report of an exhilarating evening?s hunting. Our troupe for the evening ? Count Peduran, Nessa Cavalihr and myself ? had made our way to fertile assassinating grounds for some spellbinding adventures. However, it was not to be. Our dishonourable foes had gone out for the evening, no doubt partying away their last days, their impending doom weighing on their hearts. Ha ha ha. Suddenly, our outing became filled with excitement and adrenaline ? a text! A text from a friend informing us of assassins come to assassinate us in an assassiny way. ?My golly, shall we hurry back to our super secret den and take on these ruffians, in a tale of riveting adventure which ends in time for tea and muffins?? I said in exactly those words. ?Yes we shall,? replied Nessa, ?And I shall be a good girl and knit some mittens for papa once we are done.? ?I bet they?re pirates come to take us away for ransom. Dastardly villains who are no doubt foreign with stereotypical accents and darker skin tone than us.? cried Count Peduran, at which point I slapped him for taking the whole 1940s, Enid Blyton thing too far. We hurried as fast as our young, prepubescent legs could carry us back to Nessa?s residence, where two unscrupulous so-and-sos where sitting chatting to our less assassinly-inclined friends. I, being the bravest and most handsome fellow of all, strode confidently through the corridor to stand alongside our friends. The villains noticed me but due to my cleverness and guile were unaware of my motives. Nessa, their target, then came up the stairs and fired some elastic band shots with her gun at the nearest foe. But oh no! A passing, strapping young choral scholar with an appropriately posh English accent took a shot to the face and died instantly, yet still managed to maintain he was fine. We don?t believe him though. From an unexpected corner, quick as a flash, I drew my gun and shot a single elastic band into the nearest assassin?s chest. He was better at realising his own death. Quite the gentleman. The other deviant was less honourable, and fled down the corridor to an apparent dead end. He was armed with a bow, no match for our guns and demonstrating his primitiveness compared to us cultured, British sorts. We stared him down like the brave young boys (and girl) we are, but he noticed the fire escape (henceforth to be known as The Fire Escape of NO ESCAPE) and fled. Count Chocula (or whatever his name is ? he was busy cowering in fear behind us the whole time) and myself followed in quick pursuit down the stairs, whilst Nessa retraced our previous route to head him off at the pass. A chase ensued, as the foe fled across several courts of the college before making it to the road. Here however he met his match. Again due to my fit physique and handsomeness, I had caught him up and called out ?Snorlax, I choose you!? My trusty Pokémon was released, and a cry of ?Use Body Slam! Break his f***ing legs!? saw him quickly dispatch our quarry. He will feast well, before returning to precious sleep. Upon examining his remains, we found documents of strange, foreign (and so obviously villainous to a strapping young 1940s boy) writings on his person, indicating his name was Neal Carr. Bored of mocking racial prejudice at this point, we found our other victim?s name was Peter Hatfield. All glory to The Orange One!

[20:30 PM] Have you ever noticed, it's the little things that are most dangerous. Caroline Jane Clark (Mr Pink) killed by bunnies
bunnies reports:

I sat in my room. Everything seemed so meaningless, so empty. God knows how I ended up in this situation. Oh well. I guess you gotta do what you gotta do. I picked up my gun and left, went to the poor girl's room. Heh, she didn't see me coming. I made it swift at least.

[20:40 PM] Lazar Clarent does a bit of god-slaying. Evis Charalambous (Zeus) falls.
Lazar Clarent reports:

The Assassin, after predicting that the target would be in the confines of his room at 20:30, due to the target having to deal with important tasks such as homework and being a student. The assassin evaded porter staff and befriended a local, he knocked on the door of the target at roughly 20:40. After confirming the ID and saying sorry, Evis Charlambous was killed off by a point blank shot from a mouldy banana.

Monday, 26 October

[10:55 AM] Matthew Peck (Helmet Guy) falls foul of a Cataclysm
Cataclysm reports:

Went searching for Matthew Peck this morning around his lectures. He luckely managed to avoid me at the end of his first, but an hour later [10.55] i found him stood calmly chatting outside his second. Calmly sidling up to him, I slid my knife in his chest, and Matt Peck was no more!

[12:40 PM] Scrubs triumphs over historical drama. chocolate bear stabs Joseph Guy Briggs (Sir Robin).
Sir Robin reports:

I (Sir Robin) was mercilessly stabbed in Trinity's bar by a certain chocolate bear at around 12:40 in the afternoon following the Great court walk.

[13:10 PM] Konrad Wagstyl (conman) isn't tricky enough, Roboto De Disastre kills him in hall.

[16:00 PM] Nothing Up My Sleeve used some more magic and conjured Luke Sharpin (Father McGruder)'s corpse.
Father McGruder reports:

Returning to my room from a friend's across the corridor, i spied a suspicious looking man down the corridor. Going for my gun in my room, i managed to forget to lock the door behind me, which was promptly opened, after which 'There is something up my sleeve' shot me twice in the back.

[17:30 PM] Ooh Tigger, ooh Tigger, ooh Tigger shoots his weapon at Emily Cottrell (Shirley Knott)
Ooh Tigger, ooh Tigger, ooh Tigger reports:

"Shirley Knott" said Piglet. How exciting! Kanga looked on and smiled.

[17:50 PM] The wanted criminal Hester Thorneycroft (Nessa Cavilihr) is dispatched by our ruthless Head of The Department of Magical Law Enforcement, Dr. Talos Jabbersocky, A Mesa Trudger.
Dr. Talos Jabbersocky, A Mesa Trudger reports:

Disclaimer: Any resemblance to characters real or fictional, dead or alive, is purely coincidence. No profit, no creative rights, no humanity just legality etc, etc. Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Four shots (sambuca) tipped into his stomach and he was off on the greatest adventure of his life. Dr Talos, Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement had been tasked by the Minister of Magic to conduct a crucial investigation. The Minister's words came back to him subtly altered by time and drink - "Some of our city's most illustrious socks have vanished recently. We suspect subversive elements connected to the remaining Death Eaters have been conducting strategic socknapping of our most powerful socks. Who knows what rituals they've been performing on our poor napped socks in an attempt to resurrect their Dark Lord. You've got to stop them before it's too late. The world depends on you! Now get out there and find our socks!" He'd apparated to the last known location of Sock No. 5 (whose nametag declared ownership _of_ Miss L.Lovegood, Ottery St.Catchpole). Miss.L.Lovegood had been a.....difficult interview. He was unsure how much he could rely on the information she had given. Allegedly the socks had demanded a pay rise for living on such smelly feet and upped it and left? He doubted it. Her feet had smelt fine .I mean errrrrrm ahem indeed, quite. He suspected the real story was much more sinister. "Revelio proxima." He muttered under his breath as he traced his wand in a circle around the area. "Oho, curiouser and curiouser. Mmhmmmm." There was a remnant of magic that he recognized as possessing the magical signature of an acquitted death-eater, now a reformed Unspeakable - the infamous Hettie Thorneycroft. There was no question about it; her wand had cast the sock-knapping hex. Now there was just the small matter of tracking her down. Unfortunately they weren't called Unspeakables for nothing; getting the time of day out of one of them was next to impossible, let alone getting one to divulge the location of a colleague. His experience with the Auror office had taught him just what to do in such a situation. Wait. The number one rule of criminal investigation was that the criminal ALWAYS returns to the scene of the crime. Setting up a magically concealed auto-swing hammock he brought forth a set of spirits, mixers and shakers from his bottomless jacket and set to creating the perfect cocktail. Mid-way through his fifteenth drink a CRRAAACCK rang out, causing him to spill his Strawberry Daiquiri all over his 'Blabblington Blipsy and the Flaming Noses' t-shirt. There she was, the dark witch was sweeping the bushes, to remove some telltale sign that she'd been there? It didn't matter. "STUPEFY!!" he bellowed. A look of surprise crossed her face as she fell rigid beside the floating lanterns. As always he was somewhat saddened by the life she had chosen, there were always reasons for turning to crime, but one had to appreciate that it's what one did that mattered. He grasped her hand and portkeyed her back to the headquarters. "One more for Azkaban," he grimaced. Hopefully the interrogators would be able to get a lead out of her. They needed to find the mastermind behind this operation, fast....and recover those socks!

Nessa Cavilihr reports:

Being wanted had put everything in a whole new light. A sort of suspicious light, in fact. My doors were kept locked at all times, and to get to Sainsburys I took a long detour through another college, just in case... all went excellently well, however, and as I walked back by the more normal route, laden with shopping bags (gun waiting in one of them) I reflected on the cunning schemes I could concoct as a wanted criminal... serial killings, bribes, hit and runs...and after I crossed some traffic lights I was politely stopped by a by-passer - and shot at point-blank range. The passer-by was indeed the chief of police, cunningly disguised in - well, a hat, and cheerfully armed with a nasty gun. So I never got my chance of redemption. Though, that wasn't going the plan, anyway....

[20:20 PM] A Crate of Sharks is unleashed in sainsburys, Emily Scragg (Rain) and Joshua Guy Blanchard Lewis (Ooh Tigger, ooh Tigger, ooh Tigger) are killed. Wildcard watches in amusement.

For killing two assassins who were not his targets nor targetting him, Robert Andrew Sullivan is placed on the wanted list for a minimum of 5 days and he must kill two players licitly

Wildcard reports:

Myself and friend Robert Sullivan saw two of the well known assassins walk into Sainsbury's for an innocent grocery shop. Of course, this was an ample oppurtunity to take our first kills. We stalked them, cloaking ourselves well among civilians and once we were in range my friend lunged at them with a swift blow to the back.

Crate of Sharks reports:

On passing Sainsbury's in central Cambridge my partner in crime, Wildcard and I spotted a prime opportunity for riches fame and glory: two famed assassins, idly engaged in a litle shopping. Pausing only to acquire a convincing basketful of fake student shopping, we cornered our targets at the back of the shop. As I strolled innocently past, I gently stabbed them both in the back with my trusty hidden knife.

Ooh Tigger, ooh Tigger, ooh Tigger reports:

My Ladyship and I were promenading through the delightful local market, in our Sunday finest (despite it being Monday), when a pair of ruffians set upon us with ill intent. They struck us with ornate daggers whose sheen betrayed their ill intent. My Duchess drew a fine dagger from her garter and struck at one while I drew my decorative pistol and fired in the general direction of the other, but sadly we had lost too much lifeblood and our retaliations went harmlessly adrift. I swear on my honour that in some future incarnation they shall be made to regret their actions...(OoC, although I intend to keep my promise and buy them both a pint, let it be noted that I specified not the contents of said pint *wicked grin*).

[23:30 PM] Riff-Raff and Call me what you will tour cambridge and find nobody.
Call me what you will reports:

11:10pm: We visit Macros the Black in [UNSPECIFIED_COLLEGE]. Friends chatting in his doorway are cunning enough to delay us and close his open door. After this, we leave. 11:25pm: We visit chocolate bear in [UNSPECIFIED_COLLEGE]. He does not answer to knocking. 11:35pm: To [UNSPECIFIED_COLLEGE]. All of the doors are, apparently, closed. 11:50pm: To [UNSPECIFIED_COLLEGE], specifically to [UNSPECIFIED_COURT]. All of the exterior doors are locked.

Riff-Raff reports:

Tonight, myself and Call me what you will went out on the hunt for some targets to bag and tag. First we were headed to Macros the Black's room, a target of Call me what you will's who was having some sort of gathering in his hovel, and due perhaps to indiscretion on out parts the door was slammed in out faces before any killings could be done. Then we meandered over to my target, chocolate bear's little abode, throught a handily left open gate by some previous students, although he was out so we were getting further down on luck. It simply went downhill from there with us not even gaining entry into 3 more potential corpses' dwellings, and not even finding the court in which the last lived. Not a very successful night, on the whole, but let this be warning to anyone we have visited tonight. We know where you live. We know what you look like. We know how to find you, and find you we will...

Tuesday, 27 October

[08:50 AM] Murdoc goes grey squirrel hunting and discovers they're harder to find than foxes
Murdoc reports:

This morning at 8:50, Murdoc went to look for grey squirrel, but didn't find him anywhere

[10:15 AM] The Darkness wishes to join MENSA but can't find him anywhere.
The Darkness reports:

The denizens of John's College drew their curtains in fear; Afraid, but unaware that The Darkness was near; It wandered the halls, unheard, unseen; Few realised what the terror in their hearts could mean; But finding its prey was not there; The Darkness left, leaving only freezing cold air.

[13:00 PM] Xezbeth eats a Richard Cole (Biscuit). Om nom nom.
Biscuit reports:

Today I, Biscuit, was viciously betrayed by my fellow [UNSPECIFIED SUBJECT] at (I'd rather be at Oxford than) St John's, after enlisting their help in tracking down my target Thomas Kesek. Unbeknown to me he had his eyes on me in the lecture theatre and afterwards while on my way to stick a scalpel in a greyhound, I was myself stabbed in the back with a knife-like pen. This was ironically just as an assassin's-skeptical friend had predicted, in a rather anti-climactical fashion.

Xezbeth reports:

Biscuit had been searching for me, Xezbeth, but luckilly his queries had revealed him. After seeing a suspicious person eyeing the crowd after the lecture I got a person to point him out as my assassin. With lethal stealth I managed to keep hidden in the crowd while he started walking of. Drawing my trusted blade I snuck up to him and with a stealthy leap I dug my knife deep between his shoulder blades. Biscuit died silently and and I managed to hide his death from the people around. I supported his body and proped it up as not to wake suspision. After cleaning of the blade I went on with my day.

[14:00 PM] Theo Sanderson (Vaguely like a nym) gets double teamed by The Amazing Chocolate Orange and Count Peduran
The Amazing Chocolate Orange reports:

A calm afternoon, tummy filled with Buttery goodness, I strolled down the staircase corridor. A young lad, everything about him betraying a confidence only an incredibly shifty Cambridge student could possess, came through the door and passed me down the corridor. As I entered my room I kept an eye on him, but he continued past. Yet something wasn?t right... Knock knock! A struggle! Elastic band shots rang out. I grabbed my trusty sword and strode out into the corridor to see Count Peduran quickly close his door in retreat of his attacker (notice the continuity with my last report? The Count is not so brave as I). All elastic bands had been spent, and before our foe could react he was cut in twain by my mighty blade. Theo Sanderson, who was my assassin as well as the Count?s, had been slain, but it was unsure whether by the Count?s cowardly elastics or my formidable steel. Still, it saves our visit to Clare Colony we were going to make. I like this assassin delivery service. The Orange is too scrumptiously delectable to be defeated!

Count Peduran reports:

Another falls at the skilled hand of Count Peduran! Theo Sanderson knocked on my door in a non-friendly way and I immediately knew he was an assassin. I picked up my trusty elastic band luger and opened the door a crack, to be greeted by an evil grin. I put my gun around the door and let him have it, as he also emptied a clip at me. My arm was hit, but he graciously admitted death. It'll be regenerated by this afternoon for some more killing! (although typing emails one-armed is definitely a problem).

Vaguely like a nym reports:

I have just met an unfortunate end. Feeling incompetence approaching as so often it does I went in search of Count Peduran, in the corridor I passed The Amazing Chocolate Orange another of my targets. I let him live owing to a pact made with his college mother. I should not have been so merciful. Count Peduran answered my knocks with a gun but missed as I knifed him in the arm, but The Amazing Chocolate Orange approached from behind and dispatched me with a sword. My fate was sealed from the point at which I accidentally printed off my targets list to the wrong network printer.... in the building my targets lived. We live and learn.

[14:30 PM] Devon Buchanan (Nephron) learns even laundry is a dangerous activity for an assassin. Elser was the killer.
Elser reports:

After being late for the strategy meeting with my accomplice, I packed far too many weapons and left (alone) for [UNSPECIFIED_COLLEGE]. I then spent half an hour trying to find the college. Having done so, I set up my elaborate back-up plans. In the end, I bumped into him on the stairs as he carried his laundry down, introduced myself, and promptly hit him in the chest with my Attack Cow. He bang-killed me with his finger simultaneously, but we agreed that it didn't count. All in all, absolutely nothing went according to plan.

The Umpire would like to point out that bang kills cannot be performed by fingers.

Nephron reports:

Devon Buchanan (that's me) was killed today by an assassin identifying himself as Elser. He was accosted while carrying his dirty laundry and pulled a kalashnikov out of his basket to defend himself. Much to his horror the kalashnikov wasn't loaded and served only to enrage the bull that the assassin known as Elser pulled out of a Pokemon ball and send to trample him. I should have carried a spatula instead.

[15:45 PM] Jack Daniel Vulcan Oxley (Mulciber) is slain by Riff-Raff
Riff-Raff reports:

Once upon a tuesday dreary, while Jack pondered, somewhat cheery,
over some small quaint and curious programme streamed from channel 4.
Whilst he chortled, perhaps clapping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of someone gently rapping, rapping at his chamber door.
"Yes?" he asked at this intrusion, tapping at at his chamber door,
Only this, and nothing more.

Upon this, the killer hearing, replied "hey!" to seem endearing
And when that dread portal opened, seized the chance to raise his score.
Rubber band and cardboard thrown knife, tools t'were used to end his poor life,
Killer left this place of much strife, left to rest and to explore.
"Can I play this game", Jack cried, calling from his bedroom door,
Quoth the killer, "nevermore."

(dedicated to Jack Daniel Vulcan Oxley, the unwilling subject of this poem)

[17:40 PM] Irene Adler surprises Thomas Bytheway (SurpriseBobcat) with a big gun
Irene Adler reports:

As Thomas wandered through the leafy Fitzwilliam College at 5:40pm today he was shot multiple times in the back. "Phut phut" went the Nerf Gun. Not a sound was made before he hit the ground.

SurpriseBobcat reports:

Sadly i have to report that i was tragically gunned down by Irene Adler while walking the paths of my fine college. I was taken by surprise and the first indication of danger was a nerf dart to the back followed by another to the chest.

[18:20 PM] Murdoc shot down the gun-toting Sebastian John (The Flying Space Monkeys)
Murdoc reports:

At 18:20 this evening, Murdoc shot Sebastian on the staircase. Sebastian wasn't one of Murdoc's targets, however he was holding a banana labelled GUN in his hand and was acting suspiciously.

[18:50 PM] Luchas encounters a well armed Irene Adler and goes off to nom on Paddy Orchard (mrpasta)
Luchas reports:

Honoured bicikesiy,

Today has been eventful indeed. Finding myself with a substantial amount of free time, I left Chetas and travelled many miles to Orchau, where a hardened Bezusu was known to reside. I knocked on the door and was answered by a charming kureshiy, who asked me what my business was. I answered that I was a member of the Sidney Sussex Students' Union (Xaircu o Beriex), and was looking for Irene Adler. She asked to check with him whether to let me in, and I replied, "certainly". It seemed unlikely that she had believed this ruse, and immediately after she shut the door, a man appeared at a first-floor window brandishing his mi o eshi­ndzuc - curiously, however, he did not match the description I had been given. But this was no time for idle zenisaudo! I mounted my steed and rode very quickly into the distance.

Shortly afterwards, however, I paid a third visit to the dzusnar of the subversive dzunye mrpasta. He was not in his room, but as mukejuc in hall was finishing, I suspected that I would find him on his return. My stealthy nokrebu paid off, as soon afterwards I entered the building in which he resided and spotted a man matching his description in the kitchen. However, not wishing to kill an innocent, I asked some xaircu standing nearby, one of whom told me that he was indeed the man in the kitchen. How beset with bodusaudo she was! Another bystander realised what had happened and shouted "You're going to be killed!" but he was of course too late. I burst through the door to the kitchen and shot the unsuspecting radical repeatedly in the head with my banana-eshi­ndzuc, and informed him that "BANG BANG BANG!!" Clearly he never heard Ma-Peyga's wise saying: "He who lives by the pasta shall die by the banana".

A great victory for Revaudo! Death to the royalists!

Oyes endi mu shu,


Wednesday, 28 October

[08:47 AM] Another wanted criminal dealt with by our ultra-efficient police force. Ninja Pig kills Chris Wade (Absum).
Ninja Pig reports:

At 8:30am this morning I picked up an anvil that just happened to be lying on the floor in my room and took a little walk down to 75 Oxford Road, whereupon I found there was a conveniently parked car opposite the previously named house. I waited with my anvil behind previously mentioned car until 8:47am or thereabouts. Having been monitoring the door of the previously mentioned house I noticed very quickly when a certain Absum, wanted for an illegal assassination, walked out of the door and proceeded to begin unlocking his bike. At this point, I quickly crossed the road and threw at Absum, with great force, the anvil that I just happened to be carrying with me. I can't be entirely sure as to whether it hit its mark or not but have to assume based on the fact that Absum remained decidedly alive and began chasing me with a knife that it didn't. I began running, knife at the ready and within a matter of seconds had maneuvered such that I was well positioned to take a stab at Absum. This was a success, in so far as most people when stabbed in the chest ought to die. The beckoning of reality was calling Absum at this point who had been - before I so rudely interrupted him - unlocking his bike in order to proceed to his 9am lecture, and so I left his corpse to go on its way.

[10:00 AM] Just to make sure, The Darkness mutilates Absum's corpse
The Darkness reports:

Chris Wade's corpse lay on the ground, his lifeblood leaking out of a gaping wound, already cold. The Darkness hovered over him. It had lost the scent, lost its prey. And it was hungry. It knew that this offering would not sate its hunger for long, but it had no choice. It needed to feed. And so, the little of him that was left, Chris Wade was claimed by The Darkness.

[10:00 AM] It's not quiet enough for Silent, 2 assassins knocked on his door.
Silent reports:

This evening I had a knock on my door. It was an individual whose voice I did not recognize so naturally, I did not open my door. I asked what she wanted and she replied that she was looking for someone who could give her some tea... Such a pitiful attempt. I walked to my door and looked through the peep-hole, discovering that there were two other individuals standing outside holding lethal Nerf guns. They tried again to gain entry, using the helpless, desperate pleas of their civilian accomplice. But to no avail. I informed them all that I could see them through my peep-hole and they gave up their pursuit. In a show of good sportsmanship I opened my door and showed them my face, since I had now seen theirs. After all, if we assassins don't behave as gentlemen, what separates us from the common murderer? The game is afoot gentlemen... the game is afoot...

[10:00 AM] Let all prospective criminals hear. Our police force is not to be messed with. Poison For Legs kills Robert Andrew Sullivan (Crate of Sharks)
Poison For Legs reports:

As a member of the not-at-all-ever-to-be-messed-with-Police-Force I took it upon myself at great personal expense to dispense with the wanted and hardened criminal Crate of Sharks in the name of justice and mindless violence. As he left the safe confines of his room to search for more laws to break, he was met with fury as I leapt out upon him from my kitchenesque hiding place, distracting him with my wildly slashing blades before my knives mercilessly plunged into his back. Again and again they fell. And again. And again. Thrice more, before I gave him yet another final stab plus one to be sure and then it was all over with another well-aimed wound to the heart as he collapsed. With his dying breath he managed to type "GG noob" but it was too late for a re - there was nothing left of his mutilated body apart from the mutilated parts lying all around. I wiped the blood off my knives by stabbing the corpse once more, and then left Crate of Sharks in his restful state, stabbing him on my way out after kicking in his skull for luck.

Crate of Sharks reports:

Waking up on my first day as a wanted man, I couldn't help but wonder how long I'd last. Would I last a day? Would I make it to lectures? Would I make it out of college? As it turned out the answer was: none of the above. I didn't even make it off my staircase. In all, I managed to make one short excursion, before being grabbed by the long arm of the law, in the form of one Julian Willis, who jumped me from my kitchen and stabbed me with a knife. Not, all in all, an excellent run as a master criminal.

[10:30 AM] Cambridge's llamas are safe once more. Nick Fitzpatrick (The Llama Pirate) is killed by hans
hans reports:

He knew what was coming. Entering his room without any resistance his last innocent word was "shit". Two stabs were enough to show him how life works. Sorry Nick, that was too quick!

[11:00 AM] ... paper beats rock and The Subtle Trout beats Jake Harris (The Jakehammer)

[12:00 PM] Paul Jarvis (Jack's Uncle) discovers it is right to fear the Unknown
Unknown reports:

As Paul Jarvis completes the arduous journey from lecture 1 to lecture 2, I shall intercept him. I spy him in lectures. White shirt - easily recognisable. Yet by the cunning ploy of PUTTING ON A JACKET he foils me and my rather Tesco-value style plan. A short run to the other theatre, Approx 2m from out-of-bounds fail, I end it with a knife.

Jack's Uncle reports:

The advantage of having lectures at the Cockroft lecture theatre is that it has three doors. This means that any potential assassins only have a one in three chance of catching you on the way in. I was about to enter through one of the doors when it closed and wouldn't open (They are automatic doors opened from the inside). I headed for next nearest door where there was a large crowd of people waiting for people to file out of the last lecture. As I approached an UNKNOWN in front of me turned round and seemed surprised to see me. We were too close and before I could react he sent his knife into my gut and my physical being was no more. JACK'S UNCLE was no more thanks to the wrong door closing.

Pink Fluffy Bunny reports:

A trap was set and sprung on Jarvis as he moved between lectures. Informed by myself, Unknown made his move and shivved 'im up good.

[12:00 PM] Chris Wade had a really bad day. Cataclysm is the third person to stab him in as many hours.
Cataclysm reports:

When walking through town today I happened to spot the criminal Chris Wade unlocking his bike. Feeling it my civic duty to help clean up the mean cambridge streets, I slide my knife in his back, not noticing in the heat of the moment that he was already a corpse (twice over apparantly!).

[12:15 PM] Rabbit Master refuses to display his powers, electing to knife Thomas James Kirkwood (Withnail)
Rabbit Master reports:

I had previously made a visit to the college in question to plan my strategy. I found the correct staircase and went up to a small alcove where i intended to remove my beast from my bag and set it loose. However this plan was scuppered when I saw two men approaching down the corridor from the region of the targets room. I abandoned my previous plan and quickly went passed them. I acertained that the room they had left was that of my target, and that one of them was proabably the scoundrel himself. Noting which one held the room keys, I realised that he was Thom Kirkwood, and hastily followed them. They reamined a distance in front of me down all 4 flights of stairs, but I managed to gain on them. A quick knife to the back and the waistcoated man collapsed to the floor and died instandly. His younger companion was distraut at the loss, but these things can't be helped.

[12:45 PM] The Jazz Monkey upsets children everywhere by slaughtering beloved author Sean Tull (Hans Christian Andersen)
Hans Christian Andersen reports:

After leaving my lectures for the day, I took a brief visit to some shops in town, blissfully unaware that all the while I was being stalked by a deranged, psychopathic killer. I took a meandering route through several shops, which temporarily allowed me to lose him, but it was to no avail. Returning home, just outside my hall, I was suddenly, brutally stabbed in the back. One eyewitness screamed "Oh God! I've never seen so much blood!"

The Jazz Monkey reports:

Pottering around on other monkey business near one of my target's lecture halls, rewarded me with the sight of a shady figure with similar characteristics pass by me. Unconvinced of his identity I followed him into Sainsburys, but Jazz Monkey see, Jazz Monkey do, a quick shop to restock on supplies resulted in losing sight of my target. Heading for his final destination and lying in wait, I was eventually rewarded with the earlier figure heading to my target's room, confirming his identity as my target. Not wanting to monkey around, a quick burst of Monkey style kung fu left a knife protruding from the corpse of Sean Tull!

[12:48 PM] We've managed to scare some more off. Alex Karmazyn (Brunel) and Ricky Jones (Macros the Black) resign.

[13:56 PM] Robert Cecil culls the Michael Sargent (Riff-Raff)
Riff-Raff reports:

// Transcript begins. Event occurred 13:56, Wednesday 28-10-09. Subject Michael Sargent //

While venturing out, one afternoon, to supervions in the gloom,
I came upon a shifty guy, from out the corner of my eye.
He drew a gun, at me he shot and I jumped back, a plan to plot.
His bullet had but glanced my shoulder, grabbed my gun from out its holder,

Safe behind my bedroom door, covered in a little gore,
fetched my knife, and lion also (he wears lederhosen, you know),
threw him out to test the water, sent him out to maim and slaughter,
no such luck, the man departed, I had not thought him so faint hearted.

No, not so, he had not vanished, to the toilet he was banished,
there in waiting till I pounced on a conclusion that was forgone,
twice in head and thrice in chest, this expert surely meant no jest,
shame that all my shots just flesh wounds, perhaps I'll join the police soon.

// Subject suffered severe wounds to head and torso, now deceased. Transcript ends //

Robert Cecil reports:

Finishing up lunch, I decided some dessert was called for and so made my way to an unexpected visit with Michael Sargent. Upon locating his room, I heard distinctive noises coming from within - someone was using a computer! Fearing suspicion if I knocked, and upon carefully trying the door finding it locked, I decided a new plan of action was called for, and instead went to another door further down the corridor. Luckily the occupant was in and happy enough to open his door, but unfortunately even an entire pack of hob nobs was not enough to convince him to betray his friend. After unsuccessful haggling, I changed plans yet again and hid in the nearest toilet. Luckily, I did not have long to wait, as within ten minutes Michael left his room to attend an urgent matter, and as I heard his door open, I jumped from my hiding place, rubber bands already flinging their way towards him! Unfortunately for me, he was rather quick on the mark, and retreated to the safety of his room and a locked door with considerable haste. Quickly realising the futility of waiting outside his door, I took to hiding in a nearby alcove. Misfortune struck again as the incorruptible friend poked his head out the door to investigate matters, and from his viewpoint was able to inform my would-be target of my whereabouts. Not deterred, I ran for the toilet that had previously proven useful, and moments later heard the deadly sound of a yodelling killer attack lion mauling the thin air of the alcove where I had been moments before. Taking the distraction as my moment to strike, I jumped out of a toilet for the second time in as many minutes, and let loose a storm of rubber projectiles. Michael had the same idea, but as the dust settled over his fallen body, I emerged the victor. A quick getaway ensured before anything untoward might come of the attention we had raised, and I was soon safely back behind locked doors.

[14:00 PM] Unknown, Heydar the Great and Pink Fluffy Bunny go for an assassins trip out. They only meet a corpse.
Pink Fluffy Bunny reports:

Two colleaguesUnknown, Heydar the Great and I visited a few targets today to see if they would like a rubber band in the eye. First was [UNSPECIFIED COLLEGE] at about 1400, to track down a target of ours by the name of The ninja pirate monkey (also a zombie). Fortunately for him he wasn't in. In slightly lower spirits we headed to Pembroke to take down the outlaw R. Sullivan at approx 1445. After much deliberation in deciding a strategy for taking him down, he emerged from his hideout to tell us he'd already been killed. Depressed by this stage, we continued to [UNSPECIFIED COLLEGE] at about 1515, in search of Brunel, who either refused to exit his room or was simply not in. All in all, it was pretty uneventful. We did see a squirrel, though. And it didn't rain. Pink Fluffy Bunny

[16:30 PM] An Assassin visits Luchas while he is out.
Luchas reports:

Honoured bicikesiy,

The Bezusú have struck for the first time! At picino today they sent an agent to assassinate me; fortunately I was not there. In response to this, security measures in my dzusnar have been tightened.

Oyes endi mu shu,


[16:35 PM] An Innocent Bystander hangs out at The Ninja Panda's abode.
An Innocent Bystander reports:

Today I went to visit another upstanding member of the community at his very fine lodgings in [UNSPECIFIED COLLEGE]. My polite knock on the door provoked no response and a quarter of an hour spent waiting was equally fruitless. I shall have to return with some companionship at a suitable time.

[17:00 PM] Arundel goes in search of The Amazing Chocolate Orange but the search is fruitless.
Arundel reports:

With my amused accomplice, I sneakily snuck into the college, armed to the teeth, found the court and even the right building, but was foiled by that greatest of foes - a lock. I'll be back...

[18:20 PM] An encounter for the connoisseurs. Dream cheese vs Michael Williamson (the lobster).
the lobster reports:

Having decided that the best way to get into my target's room was to be invited, I sent him an email posing as a postgrad who wanted to read in chapel, and was asked to meet him at 6:30 this evening. Having arrived at his college, I asked the porter where I could find his room, only to have him direct me to a very helpful person who said he would show me to my targets room. Unfortunately, not only had my target been one step ahead of me the whole time, but he also happened to be the person the porter directed me to, and upon revealing my name, I was duly stabbed.

Dream cheese reports:

Mike Williamson was attempting to arrange a meeting with me on the pretext of being interested in reading in Clare Chapel, which I organise the rota for. Some quick searching, however, revealed him to be a student not at Clare but at Trinity. This fact, coupled with the e-mail arriving about six hours after the start of the game, set many alarm bells ringing in my mind. However I replied to his e-mail agreeing to meet him and inviting him to come to discuss 'what reading in chapel entails' at my humble abode. From this point, the ball was in my court. After several postponements, we had finally agreed on a time. My mafia were alerted and an ambush was prepared (following all the rules of course!). At T minus ten minutes I was hurtling past the porters' lodge having just finished a supervision, when the porter stopped me and asked: "Do you live here? Could you show this gentleman where [my room] is?". Perfect! It was obviously him, so after smiling sweetly and telling the porter that of course I could, I withdrew my knife and stabbed him in the chest. His face fell as he realised his perfect plans had been foiled... I was a little disappointed that our planned epic attack wasn't necessary, but pleased at the elegance of the kill.

[20:00 PM] Shubnit Bhumbra visits all his targets hans, Toast, and '-_-', meets none of them but does kill an innocent.
Dr Zeus reports:

Toast couldn't be found near his room, I heard scraping noises from '-_-''s room but no reply, and hans's room was so far from his college I got lost and gave up. If that wasn't a failure enough, I also accidentally killed a civilian while still in John's territory.

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