The Assassins' Guild - Week 1 News

Wandering into the the labarynth of St John's, with the piercing eyes of a mandrill I noticed my target appear from a random door and pass right by me. Stalking him down the road, I sprung like a crazed gibbon going for a banana and stabbed Richard Digby square in the back with a knife. Having told him to hand me that skin, I went off to find a Gutbucket for a celebratory drink!

This morning at 08:54, Murdoc shot Caroline Tanner as she walked to her lectures.

I don't know whether he was just trying to freak me out, genuinely had me as a target or still wanted to kill me regardless, but I just lost the game slowly sauntered towards me after a lecture then gave chase after I decided to make a break for it on my bike. However, this is a vital case of bike > running. See? Paranoia can be a good thing!

Once the killer was in the building Paul stood no chance, welcoming any visitor to his room and not even being in the possession of a weapon. It was a quick, focused and deadly encounter and one can but hope that other Freshers will be better prepared.

After an unsuccessful afternoon campaign which revealed the target was away from their primary residence, I leashed my rabid unidentified rabbit-like creature, my main attack weapon, and returned stealthily to headquarters, almost being discovered along the short journey by another known assassin. Being in the same college as my target had its advantages, for I was able to make a second attempt on the target's life in the space of hours; just before teatime, in fact. Inside intelligence by a co-resident taught me that the room was indeed occupied by the one I was searching for. Somehow I had amassed a small team of spectators, and one of these knocked carelessly on the door. Having opened the door, I ascertained the assassin's identity and then unleashed the unidentified rabid creature, with the foam of madness flowing from behind its sharp white canines. Okay, so my target didn't catch rabies, but the assassination certainly was complete. Strange, apparently the unidentified rabid creature I used in the kill bore some strange resemblance to a Studio Gibli character...

Around 9.35 there was a knock on my door, and i opened it brandishing a rubber band gun. The guy at the door looked surprised and i didn't see his weapon, so i hesitated to shoot, but when he said "aren't you supposed to say bang?" and came at me with a knife I pulled the trigger and shot him in the chest. With his dying breath he told me he was Mr Brightside.

I tried to lure him out of his room and shoot him in the corridor with a water pistol. Unfortunately my aim is not what it should be and he survives, for now.

An unknown assassin attempted to lure me from my room by knocking the door and kill me with a water pistol. Luckily i foiled his intricate plan by dodging the badly aimed shot and shutting the door.

The target's door was unlocked, and he happily accepted visitors of the assassin variant. Rubber bands to the chest were applied immediately. On the upside, he plays Muse quite well.

After making friends with her staircase, I carried out my devious attack plan involving shooting her in the eye. I knocked on the door. She asked "who is it?" I replied "Ventura!" There followed a 3 minute pause, after which she opened the door, and I shot her in the eye with a rubber projectile.

I managed to sneakily kill Esther Nicholl with a sneaky knife by sneaking up on her with said sneaky knife in a sneaky manner at about half past midnight in her own college. It was somewhat obvious in that she saw me coming however, but wasn't paranoid enough to survive (amateurs!).

Late in the morning, Robert Cecil coincidentally found himself at the college of one A. Potts, and with plenty of time to spare a decision was made to locate the target's room. This accomplished with the aid of a map, Mr. Cecil proceeded to the room in question, and finding it unlocked, entered and killed A. Potts in short order. A surprised A. Potts was heard profaning shortly thereafter.

Subsequently to the aforementioned affair, Robert Cecil advanced to the previously determined location of his second target, and upon identifying him inside a restricted area, loitered around outside until E. West unsuspectingly emerged. At the mention of his name, he turned around and, letting out a brief cry of alarm, met with a speedy death.

Honoured bicikesiy, I hope that this búsuc finds you in good health. The situation here in the Shivines is far worse than I expected when I accepted this assignment. One would hope that such an ancient and esteemed university would be free from intrigue and xwemeludo, but the pathless Bezusú are very much in evidence! The power of Shumbeor is not as diminished as we have hoped. As I was walking through [UNSPECIFIED XAMUNAR] I spotted three of the feared Bezusú. Two of them saw me, but did not attempt to attack. Fortunately I was armed with my trusty teyp. I decided not to attack as neither was an assigned target; I hope you will agree that this is a wise course of action. Very shortly afterwards, a third Bezusu was obverved advancing towards me. I beat a hasty retreat and was not spotted. But they are still watching. I can sense them everywhere. THEY ARE COMING. Oyes endi mu shu -- "Luchas"

Miss Emma Clegg was sadly murdered today around twelve-ish with a disgustingly mouldy banana gun by yours truly

The Darkness is coming. It came for Joseph Reed. And it shall come to you all.

Thomas Hodgson is no more, entering his college at 13:45 I was dissaponted to find his room empty. My disappointment was shortlived, however, as on exiting the building I was delighted to meet him coming the other way, chatting to a friend from another university with a suitcase. A rubber band from my lugar to the back of the head dispatched Tom and, though tempted to remove his bewildered friend as well, I restrained myself and moved on.

A second visit today to Elizabeth Robinshaw resulted in her (cautiously, though not cautiously enough) opening her door and me promptly shooting her square in the face (And almost simultaneously stabbing her). This is despite her earlier having seen me sneaking around her staircase and asking of her.

While cooking a nice meal with friends a suspicious looking chap knocked on the door of the kitchen and asked if someone of my name resided there. Closing the door on him immediately I picked up my weapon and ran round to the nearest other exit which I then exited and fired several rounds into my would be assailant. Satisfied with a good job well done I went back to the food.

At around 20:20 I was in my room when I heared a knock on the door and someone claiming to be from a random society, I just told them to hold up whilst I armed myself. On opening the door I saw two assassins, both of whom I shot swiftly and multiple times with my rubber band gun.

Today, I murdered another of my targets. Daniel Jay Davies was quite happy to open the door to persons of a mysterious nature. His female companion was naturally perplexed.

At the queens' ent, I attended in a hula skirt and other lovely ladies' items. After a spot of asking round, I tracked down James Hollingshead, and took a knife from my bosom to stab him through the heart. He really shouldn't have responded to his own name. Let this be a warning to you: never trust a man in drag!

Mubidu "Omi" Reza Chowdhury is no more! A simple knock on the door, followed by a "are you Omi?" and a bang-kill with my trusty .45 elastic band gun was enough to send the sleepy-looking (and pyjama-clad) Omi to his 10:15 saturday morning grave. On my way into [UNSPECIFIED] court I had to dodge perils such as a gaggle of French-speaking foreign executives having a tea-party and a very menacing yet extremely helpful porter. Such are the dangers of our profession.

Kay Gammie was enjoying brunch at about 1-ish, but wasn't expecting fruit with "gun" written on it to be pointed in her direction.

I, Neil B Formy, was leaving a lecture theatre at 12pm when Dan Turner approached me and apologised for what was about to happen. He pulled out a gun and fired, but to his dismay the pellet fell to the ground. In a panic, I rushed to my bike and ran with it for a while, at which point he tried and failed yet again. I popped on my bike and made a hasty retreat back to [unspecified college]. After grabbing some weaponry and hiding out, I was informed by another assassin that he was waiting outside my room ready to finish me off. I decided to comfront him but he was nowhere to be found. I then found out his location and went there to eliminate him at around 1.15pm. Unfortunately when I knocked he only opened his door a small amount and I was unable to get him with my rubber band gun. I then retreated to fix a jam and reload. When I returned to his room I fired at the person who opened the door; this person happened to be Samuel Walker (an already dead assassin), used as a decoy. I then hid around a corner and heard Dan Turner go outside his room. Assuming that he'd gone to his kitchen opposite his room, I went in to confront him and fired many bands, and I was successful in bringing the miscreant down.

I, Omar, took out Rambo. He made the ultimate schoolboy error of leaving his door open, so I wandered in and calmly terminated him with a throwing knife to the chest.

I managed to sever his hand with my handy sword. Cowardly, my target then locked himself in his room, and he'll have regenerated his hand by now. Altogether not very successful.

Having cunningly researched the house mates of my victim and coming up with a plausible excuse, my accomplices and i made for his house around 18.00 today. We explored all routes of entry before settling on ringing his doorbell, wherefore Paul Butcher made all pre-planning unnecessary by answering the door unarmed. One of my accomplices started to chatter to him to draw his attention while i whipped round the door and shot him with the nerf gun squarely in the chest :)

At 9.30 and 10.30 Roboto De Disastre made attempts on conman's life. unfortunately, by the second time he had caught wind of my machinations and proceeded to taunt me from his bedroom window as I fled.

I innocently bystood the room of a certain fellow (in the generic, not the Cambridge sense) today and (being entirely innocent) attempted to operate the door handle; alas, it was locked. The character in question did not appear, which is a shame for him, as I was only going to enage him in polite conversation (because I am completely innocent, of course...)

Honoured bicikesiy, I have recently determined the approximate whereabouts of my first prospective jesaup. I approached the residence of the notorious ricayc mrpasta in {UNSPECIFIED DZUSNAR], but discovered that he had just left the building. A search around the dzusnar showed no sign... li cunde oraeji. Oyes endi mu shu -- "Luchas"

On this cold winter's evening I took a trip up the hill through the howling gales to lurk a target. She obligingly turned up to dinner and was promptly knifed in the stomach. Faith divides us. Death unites us.

Alright me lover! Just to inform you that I killed Yarden Brody today at about 7:10pm, in the kitchen of her shared house. Fortuitously (for me rather than her), she happens to live in the room next to a friend of mine, so it was fairly easy to infiltrate the premises. As I was shown into the kitchen where dinner was being served, my target poked her head out of her bedroom door, to be reassured by everyone that I probably wasn't going to kill her. Paranoid, but not enough! Placated, she made the mistake of joining us... As we chatted in the kitchen and I felt into my hand for my trusty blade, I noticed Yarden edging away from me. Realising that time was short, I lunged at her, plunging my knifey biro deep into her chest several times. Just in case she hadn't got the gist of what I was doing, I screamed "STABBY STAB STAB STAB!" a little overexcitedly. It took many seconds for what had just occurred to sink in, as the other people in the room assumed it had been a joke... I feel dirty, evil and devious. In other words, BIG DAVE HAS NEVER FELT BETTER! Til next time you Janners! GREEN ARMY!!! Big Dave x

So I heard knocking at my door. Since none other than potential assassins would be coming unannounced at that hour, someone would be dying soon. I drew my twin knives, vaulted out of the window and charged the fools from behind, knowing that they would not expect the hunted to become the hunter. As I approached my own front door, I saw them there, the fools who were trying to kill me: Alex Bower (Orlando Boom) and Palika Bhasin (Awkward Palmtree)! The former had his back turned, cosh ready to strike me if I opened the main door, while the latter caught me in the corner of her eye. A brief shriek from her was all the warning he had, before I simultaneously plunged my two daggers in their bodies, ending their miserable lives... Crap, I think I might be turning into Ezio.

On an unsuccessful trip hunting for fresh meat, myself and my trusty accomplices for the mission, Hester Thorneycroft and The Amazing Chocolate Orange, we recieved a mysterious signal in the form of typed characters on a mobile telephony device mentioning that shifty individuals had infiltrated one of our inner sanctums. We set off post haste in the direction of Hester's humble abode to head off the ruffians and teach them some manners. Upon arrival, we noticed in the corridoor two unsavoury gents, armed to the teeth with assassiny weaponry. The Orange managed to slip past the scoundrels without them noticing the gun-shaped bulge in his pocket. Hester pulled her trusty elastic-based sidearm and fired off two shots, but unfortunately an unwitting choral scholar wandered into the crossfire and had his head blown clean off, which annoyed him considerably. During the ensuing confusion (which included the headless tenor threatening one of the villains with a CICCU poster), The Orange in all his shifty glory whipped out his six-shooter and loosed a slug into one of the distracted fiends' chest. I should point out that at this stage I was heroically bringing up the rear in the stairwell, covering our backs at considerable personal peril. At the sight of the bloodstain left by his fallen comrade on the paintwork, the second cad turned tail and fled into an apparent dead-end. A stake out ensued as we stared each other down from 20 yards away, all of us aware of the limitations of our weapons' range. A minute or so passed, but it seemed like eternity as we leered at the deranged madman cowering at the end of the corridoor. Until he noticed the fire escape route. Dashing down the stairs, The Orange and I gave chase while Hester retraced our original steps. We chased him across several courts, out onto the pavement outside the college. The Orange is a younger, fitter man than I (my old legs fail me from time to time) and so was closer. He had spent a clip of rubber bands trying to take down his prey. He resorted to using his trusty attack beast, which was drawn to the rogue (it's a shiftiness-seeking beast) and it mauled him to death. He collapsed to the ground in a mangled heap, but it was too late, the beast had its taste of flesh and needed more. It feasted on him. I arrived on the scene in time to examine the remains of the second corpse. I found a girly pocket diary identifying him as Neal Carr, a known maniac. We examined the first corpse too and an emboidered hankerchief revealed him to be Peter Hetfield, that most notorious cur.

I am The Amazing Chocolate Orange: formidable warrior, Pokémon Master and delicious treat. I have much to report of an exhilarating evening?s hunting. Our troupe for the evening ? Count Peduran, Nessa Cavalihr and myself ? had made our way to fertile assassinating grounds for some spellbinding adventures. However, it was not to be. Our dishonourable foes had gone out for the evening, no doubt partying away their last days, their impending doom weighing on their hearts. Ha ha ha. Suddenly, our outing became filled with excitement and adrenaline ? a text! A text from a friend informing us of assassins come to assassinate us in an assassiny way. ?My golly, shall we hurry back to our super secret den and take on these ruffians, in a tale of riveting adventure which ends in time for tea and muffins?? I said in exactly those words. ?Yes we shall,? replied Nessa, ?And I shall be a good girl and knit some mittens for papa once we are done.? ?I bet they?re pirates come to take us away for ransom. Dastardly villains who are no doubt foreign with stereotypical accents and darker skin tone than us.? cried Count Peduran, at which point I slapped him for taking the whole 1940s, Enid Blyton thing too far. We hurried as fast as our young, prepubescent legs could carry us back to Nessa?s residence, where two unscrupulous so-and-sos where sitting chatting to our less assassinly-inclined friends. I, being the bravest and most handsome fellow of all, strode confidently through the corridor to stand alongside our friends. The villains noticed me but due to my cleverness and guile were unaware of my motives. Nessa, their target, then came up the stairs and fired some elastic band shots with her gun at the nearest foe. But oh no! A passing, strapping young choral scholar with an appropriately posh English accent took a shot to the face and died instantly, yet still managed to maintain he was fine. We don?t believe him though. From an unexpected corner, quick as a flash, I drew my gun and shot a single elastic band into the nearest assassin?s chest. He was better at realising his own death. Quite the gentleman. The other deviant was less honourable, and fled down the corridor to an apparent dead end. He was armed with a bow, no match for our guns and demonstrating his primitiveness compared to us cultured, British sorts. We stared him down like the brave young boys (and girl) we are, but he noticed the fire escape (henceforth to be known as The Fire Escape of NO ESCAPE) and fled. Count Chocula (or whatever his name is ? he was busy cowering in fear behind us the whole time) and myself followed in quick pursuit down the stairs, whilst Nessa retraced our previous route to head him off at the pass. A chase ensued, as the foe fled across several courts of the college before making it to the road. Here however he met his match. Again due to my fit physique and handsomeness, I had caught him up and called out ?Snorlax, I choose you!? My trusty Pokémon was released, and a cry of ?Use Body Slam! Break his f***ing legs!? saw him quickly dispatch our quarry. He will feast well, before returning to precious sleep. Upon examining his remains, we found documents of strange, foreign (and so obviously villainous to a strapping young 1940s boy) writings on his person, indicating his name was Neal Carr. Bored of mocking racial prejudice at this point, we found our other victim?s name was Peter Hatfield. All glory to The Orange One!

I sat in my room. Everything seemed so meaningless, so empty. God knows how I ended up in this situation. Oh well. I guess you gotta do what you gotta do. I picked up my gun and left, went to the poor girl's room. Heh, she didn't see me coming. I made it swift at least.

The Assassin, after predicting that the target would be in the confines of his room at 20:30, due to the target having to deal with important tasks such as homework and being a student. The assassin evaded porter staff and befriended a local, he knocked on the door of the target at roughly 20:40. After confirming the ID and saying sorry, Evis Charlambous was killed off by a point blank shot from a mouldy banana.

Went searching for Matthew Peck this morning around his lectures. He luckely managed to avoid me at the end of his first, but an hour later [10.55] i found him stood calmly chatting outside his second. Calmly sidling up to him, I slid my knife in his chest, and Matt Peck was no more!

"Shirley Knott" said Piglet. How exciting! Kanga looked on and smiled.

Myself and friend Robert Sullivan saw two of the well known assassins walk into Sainsbury's for an innocent grocery shop. Of course, this was an ample oppurtunity to take our first kills. We stalked them, cloaking ourselves well among civilians and once we were in range my friend lunged at them with a swift blow to the back.

11:10pm: We visit Macros the Black in [UNSPECIFIED_COLLEGE]. Friends chatting in his doorway are cunning enough to delay us and close his open door. After this, we leave. 11:25pm: We visit chocolate bear in [UNSPECIFIED_COLLEGE]. He does not answer to knocking. 11:35pm: To [UNSPECIFIED_COLLEGE]. All of the doors are, apparently, closed. 11:50pm: To [UNSPECIFIED_COLLEGE], specifically to [UNSPECIFIED_COURT]. All of the exterior doors are locked.

Tonight, myself and Call me what you will went out on the hunt for some targets to bag and tag. First we were headed to Macros the Black's room, a target of Call me what you will's who was having some sort of gathering in his hovel, and due perhaps to indiscretion on out parts the door was slammed in out faces before any killings could be done. Then we meandered over to my target, chocolate bear's little abode, throught a handily left open gate by some previous students, although he was out so we were getting further down on luck. It simply went downhill from there with us not even gaining entry into 3 more potential corpses' dwellings, and not even finding the court in which the last lived. Not a very successful night, on the whole, but let this be warning to anyone we have visited tonight. We know where you live. We know what you look like. We know how to find you, and find you we will...

This morning at 8:50, Murdoc went to look for grey squirrel, but didn't find him anywhere

The denizens of John's College drew their curtains in fear; Afraid, but unaware that The Darkness was near; It wandered the halls, unheard, unseen; Few realised what the terror in their hearts could mean; But finding its prey was not there; The Darkness left, leaving only freezing cold air.

Biscuit had been searching for me, Xezbeth, but luckilly his queries had revealed him. After seeing a suspicious person eyeing the crowd after the lecture I got a person to point him out as my assassin. With lethal stealth I managed to keep hidden in the crowd while he started walking of. Drawing my trusted blade I snuck up to him and with a stealthy leap I dug my knife deep between his shoulder blades. Biscuit died silently and and I managed to hide his death from the people around. I supported his body and proped it up as not to wake suspision. After cleaning of the blade I went on with my day.

A calm afternoon, tummy filled with Buttery goodness, I strolled down the staircase corridor. A young lad, everything about him betraying a confidence only an incredibly shifty Cambridge student could possess, came through the door and passed me down the corridor. As I entered my room I kept an eye on him, but he continued past. Yet something wasn?t right... Knock knock! A struggle! Elastic band shots rang out. I grabbed my trusty sword and strode out into the corridor to see Count Peduran quickly close his door in retreat of his attacker (notice the continuity with my last report? The Count is not so brave as I). All elastic bands had been spent, and before our foe could react he was cut in twain by my mighty blade. Theo Sanderson, who was my assassin as well as the Count?s, had been slain, but it was unsure whether by the Count?s cowardly elastics or my formidable steel. Still, it saves our visit to Clare Colony we were going to make. I like this assassin delivery service. The Orange is too scrumptiously delectable to be defeated!

Another falls at the skilled hand of Count Peduran! Theo Sanderson knocked on my door in a non-friendly way and I immediately knew he was an assassin. I picked up my trusty elastic band luger and opened the door a crack, to be greeted by an evil grin. I put my gun around the door and let him have it, as he also emptied a clip at me. My arm was hit, but he graciously admitted death. It'll be regenerated by this afternoon for some more killing! (although typing emails one-armed is definitely a problem).

After being late for the strategy meeting with my accomplice, I packed far too many weapons and left (alone) for [UNSPECIFIED_COLLEGE]. I then spent half an hour trying to find the college. Having done so, I set up my elaborate back-up plans. In the end, I bumped into him on the stairs as he carried his laundry down, introduced myself, and promptly hit him in the chest with my Attack Cow. He bang-killed me with his finger simultaneously, but we agreed that it didn't count. All in all, absolutely nothing went according to plan.

Once upon a tuesday dreary, while Jack pondered, somewhat cheery,
over some small quaint and curious programme streamed from channel 4.
Whilst he chortled, perhaps clapping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of someone gently rapping, rapping at his chamber door.
"Yes?" he asked at this intrusion, tapping at at his chamber door,
Only this, and nothing more.

Upon this, the killer hearing, replied "hey!" to seem endearing
And when that dread portal opened, seized the chance to raise his score.
Rubber band and cardboard thrown knife, tools t'were used to end his poor life,
Killer left this place of much strife, left to rest and to explore.
"Can I play this game", Jack cried, calling from his bedroom door,
Quoth the killer, "nevermore."

(dedicated to Jack Daniel Vulcan Oxley, the unwilling subject of this poem)

As Thomas wandered through the leafy Fitzwilliam College at 5:40pm today he was shot multiple times in the back. "Phut phut" went the Nerf Gun. Not a sound was made before he hit the ground.

At 18:20 this evening, Murdoc shot Sebastian on the staircase. Sebastian wasn't one of Murdoc's targets, however he was holding a banana labelled GUN in his hand and was acting suspiciously.

Honoured bicikesiy,

Today has been eventful indeed. Finding myself with a substantial amount of free time, I left Chetas and travelled many miles to Orchau, where a hardened Bezusu was known to reside. I knocked on the door and was answered by a charming kureshiy, who asked me what my business was. I answered that I was a member of the Sidney Sussex Students' Union (Xaircu o Beriex), and was looking for Irene Adler. She asked to check with him whether to let me in, and I replied, "certainly". It seemed unlikely that she had believed this ruse, and immediately after she shut the door, a man appeared at a first-floor window brandishing his mi o eshi­ndzuc - curiously, however, he did not match the description I had been given. But this was no time for idle zenisaudo! I mounted my steed and rode very quickly into the distance.

Shortly afterwards, however, I paid a third visit to the dzusnar of the subversive dzunye mrpasta. He was not in his room, but as mukejuc in hall was finishing, I suspected that I would find him on his return. My stealthy nokrebu paid off, as soon afterwards I entered the building in which he resided and spotted a man matching his description in the kitchen. However, not wishing to kill an innocent, I asked some xaircu standing nearby, one of whom told me that he was indeed the man in the kitchen. How beset with bodusaudo she was! Another bystander realised what had happened and shouted "You're going to be killed!" but he was of course too late. I burst through the door to the kitchen and shot the unsuspecting radical repeatedly in the head with my banana-eshi­ndzuc, and informed him that "BANG BANG BANG!!" Clearly he never heard Ma-Peyga's wise saying: "He who lives by the pasta shall die by the banana".

A great victory for Revaudo! Death to the royalists!

Oyes endi mu shu,

"Luchas"

Chris Wade's corpse lay on the ground, his lifeblood leaking out of a gaping wound, already cold. The Darkness hovered over him. It had lost the scent, lost its prey. And it was hungry. It knew that this offering would not sate its hunger for long, but it had no choice. It needed to feed. And so, the little of him that was left, Chris Wade was claimed by The Darkness.

This evening I had a knock on my door. It was an individual whose voice I did not recognize so naturally, I did not open my door. I asked what she wanted and she replied that she was looking for someone who could give her some tea... Such a pitiful attempt. I walked to my door and looked through the peep-hole, discovering that there were two other individuals standing outside holding lethal Nerf guns. They tried again to gain entry, using the helpless, desperate pleas of their civilian accomplice. But to no avail. I informed them all that I could see them through my peep-hole and they gave up their pursuit. In a show of good sportsmanship I opened my door and showed them my face, since I had now seen theirs. After all, if we assassins don't behave as gentlemen, what separates us from the common murderer? The game is afoot gentlemen... the game is afoot...

He knew what was coming. Entering his room without any resistance his last innocent word was "shit". Two stabs were enough to show him how life works. Sorry Nick, that was too quick!

As Paul Jarvis completes the arduous journey from lecture 1 to lecture 2, I shall intercept him. I spy him in lectures. White shirt - easily recognisable. Yet by the cunning ploy of PUTTING ON A JACKET he foils me and my rather Tesco-value style plan. A short run to the other theatre, Approx 2m from out-of-bounds fail, I end it with a knife.

A trap was set and sprung on Jarvis as he moved between lectures. Informed by myself, Unknown made his move and shivved 'im up good.

When walking through town today I happened to spot the criminal Chris Wade unlocking his bike. Feeling it my civic duty to help clean up the mean cambridge streets, I slide my knife in his back, not noticing in the heat of the moment that he was already a corpse (twice over apparantly!).

I had previously made a visit to the college in question to plan my strategy. I found the correct staircase and went up to a small alcove where i intended to remove my beast from my bag and set it loose. However this plan was scuppered when I saw two men approaching down the corridor from the region of the targets room. I abandoned my previous plan and quickly went passed them. I acertained that the room they had left was that of my target, and that one of them was proabably the scoundrel himself. Noting which one held the room keys, I realised that he was Thom Kirkwood, and hastily followed them. They reamined a distance in front of me down all 4 flights of stairs, but I managed to gain on them. A quick knife to the back and the waistcoated man collapsed to the floor and died instandly. His younger companion was distraut at the loss, but these things can't be helped.

Pottering around on other monkey business near one of my target's lecture halls, rewarded me with the sight of a shady figure with similar characteristics pass by me. Unconvinced of his identity I followed him into Sainsburys, but Jazz Monkey see, Jazz Monkey do, a quick shop to restock on supplies resulted in losing sight of my target. Heading for his final destination and lying in wait, I was eventually rewarded with the earlier figure heading to my target's room, confirming his identity as my target. Not wanting to monkey around, a quick burst of Monkey style kung fu left a knife protruding from the corpse of Sean Tull!

Finishing up lunch, I decided some dessert was called for and so made my way to an unexpected visit with Michael Sargent. Upon locating his room, I heard distinctive noises coming from within - someone was using a computer! Fearing suspicion if I knocked, and upon carefully trying the door finding it locked, I decided a new plan of action was called for, and instead went to another door further down the corridor. Luckily the occupant was in and happy enough to open his door, but unfortunately even an entire pack of hob nobs was not enough to convince him to betray his friend. After unsuccessful haggling, I changed plans yet again and hid in the nearest toilet. Luckily, I did not have long to wait, as within ten minutes Michael left his room to attend an urgent matter, and as I heard his door open, I jumped from my hiding place, rubber bands already flinging their way towards him! Unfortunately for me, he was rather quick on the mark, and retreated to the safety of his room and a locked door with considerable haste. Quickly realising the futility of waiting outside his door, I took to hiding in a nearby alcove. Misfortune struck again as the incorruptible friend poked his head out the door to investigate matters, and from his viewpoint was able to inform my would-be target of my whereabouts. Not deterred, I ran for the toilet that had previously proven useful, and moments later heard the deadly sound of a yodelling killer attack lion mauling the thin air of the alcove where I had been moments before. Taking the distraction as my moment to strike, I jumped out of a toilet for the second time in as many minutes, and let loose a storm of rubber projectiles. Michael had the same idea, but as the dust settled over his fallen body, I emerged the victor. A quick getaway ensured before anything untoward might come of the attention we had raised, and I was soon safely back behind locked doors.

Two colleaguesUnknown, Heydar the Great and I visited a few targets today to see if they would like a rubber band in the eye. First was [UNSPECIFIED COLLEGE] at about 1400, to track down a target of ours by the name of The ninja pirate monkey (also a zombie). Fortunately for him he wasn't in. In slightly lower spirits we headed to Pembroke to take down the outlaw R. Sullivan at approx 1445. After much deliberation in deciding a strategy for taking him down, he emerged from his hideout to tell us he'd already been killed. Depressed by this stage, we continued to [UNSPECIFIED COLLEGE] at about 1515, in search of Brunel, who either refused to exit his room or was simply not in. All in all, it was pretty uneventful. We did see a squirrel, though. And it didn't rain. Pink Fluffy Bunny

Honoured bicikesiy,

The Bezusú have struck for the first time! At picino today they sent an agent to assassinate me; fortunately I was not there. In response to this, security measures in my dzusnar have been tightened.

Oyes endi mu shu,

"Luchas"

Today I went to visit another upstanding member of the community at his very fine lodgings in [UNSPECIFIED COLLEGE]. My polite knock on the door provoked no response and a quarter of an hour spent waiting was equally fruitless. I shall have to return with some companionship at a suitable time.

With my amused accomplice, I sneakily snuck into the college, armed to the teeth, found the court and even the right building, but was foiled by that greatest of foes - a lock. I'll be back...

Mike Williamson was attempting to arrange a meeting with me on the pretext of being interested in reading in Clare Chapel, which I organise the rota for. Some quick searching, however, revealed him to be a student not at Clare but at Trinity. This fact, coupled with the e-mail arriving about six hours after the start of the game, set many alarm bells ringing in my mind. However I replied to his e-mail agreeing to meet him and inviting him to come to discuss 'what reading in chapel entails' at my humble abode. From this point, the ball was in my court. After several postponements, we had finally agreed on a time. My mafia were alerted and an ambush was prepared (following all the rules of course!). At T minus ten minutes I was hurtling past the porters' lodge having just finished a supervision, when the porter stopped me and asked: "Do you live here? Could you show this gentleman where [my room] is?". Perfect! It was obviously him, so after smiling sweetly and telling the porter that of course I could, I withdrew my knife and stabbed him in the chest. His face fell as he realised his perfect plans had been foiled... I was a little disappointed that our planned epic attack wasn't necessary, but pleased at the elegance of the kill.