The Assassins' Guild - Week 1 News

Having only just got out of a brutal ordeal, I was carelessly drinking Pimms and being merry. Then out of nowhere burst Matt and James and tried to take me down. This made me sad :( I decided that a pig in James' back would stem his vicious attack and a rubber band to the chest would end Matt's attempt. I then went back to my Pimms

Just occasionally in one's life, everything goes right for once.

Eeyore, returning to his Gloomy Place, spots Trivial Fursuit. Having only an attack pig against a water pistol, he prudently ran away. I don't think I was hit, as I didn't feel anything, and I couldn't find wet patches on my T-shirt a few minutes later.

Well lol, I forgot to change the time... I'm sure the autoumpire can handle it. It is quite a reliable piece of technology these days.

Sorry Simeon

p.s. I was quite fortunate that as Twillo cycled past there was a guy with a double bass directly in front of me so he had no chance of seeing me. Profit!

As the CUSFS members gathered and mingled, it was rumoured and whispered that a dangerous man named Ben Weaver had already tainted the night with blood ... taking up the challenge, Eudoxia sidled up behind Ben Weaver, seemingly adjusting a harmless hairstick ... only to whip out the blade (for it was such) and stab him in the back. It transpired that he had not realised the lady was a killer, but alas, such hindsight doesn't change events.

Innocents-part:

An unknown bystander (well, I don't know his name) [It was Revelation - Umpire] stabbed the lady, only to realise that his deadly blade was in fact an ordinary pen, due to its non-labelled status. Upon becoming cognizant of this fact, Eudoxia stabbed her assailant, only to be perplexed as he ran off crying "I won!!! I'm an innocent, you can't kill innocents!". She then realised that the faked attempted stabbing was part of a dastardly plot designed to draw her into killing him.

Having witnessed all this, a second unknown bystander [Colin, Dr. Love himself - Umpire] approached and entreated "Kill me too!" Feeling disdain for a person who would say such a thing, but still wishing to be civil, Eudoxia obliged.

I was pontificating on the nature of existentialism, and then who should appear in front of me but Anna! A moment of shock overwhelms me, and then I pull my gun from my Tux and a fight ensues.. A head shot finishes it off..

... Hammertime.

Stevo Spaghetto shot me as I returned home from the Veizla; sadly, with a watergun, which interacts badly with my clothing at the time. He was the very soul of courtesy as I collapsed from a leg cramp shortly therafter, and an example to us all. Thanks, I owe you one.

What can I say, I finally get around to using my awesome sniping post i'd been saving all year for the mayweek game, only to find that The Benjamin Quentin Weaver Fan Club had cunningly chosen to return home in formal attire, rendering my water based attack useless. Fortunately, a leg cramp from my opponent saved me from being counter-attacked before I'd realised my mistake, and a cease-fire ensued. But I'll get you next episode The Benjamin Quentin Weaver Fan Club!

LOL, Indeed.

Emma took 2 n00b assassins to Churchill. Killed Yuan in his pyjamas, then spotted the deadly Jake Corteen sporting 2 enormous weapons. I ran away because he is phearsome, Emily and Camilla tried to kill him using their anomymity but unfortunately both were killed :(

Thus Spake Zarathustra

As Gavrilo fled from the rifle fire, he cursed the Imperialist bastards who were oppressing his people. He would learn them. Spitting, he slunked in a dark alleyway near the palace until he heard the brave cries of his fellow revolutionaries drawing the Imperial troops to suppress them. Finally, his time drew near. As he scaled the palace walls and reached the Earl's window, he grinned as he saw it was open. A gust of wind set off his bronchial cough and he spluttered and almost fell, then noticed the Earl departing his boudoir in morning dress. Swiftly, he drew his revolver and with a single shot downed the bourgeois pig.

Ah! The power of the decoy...

Gavrilo Princip, reincarnated as a small, fuzzy, white kitten with one black-furred paw, a permanent chest irritation and a squint scurried through the sidestreets of fishmongers district, a package clasped under his arm. As he turned a corner, a group of monks approached him and drew him into their midst, blessing him and offering him prayerbooks and nourishment. Mystified, he innocently accepted their welcome until his conscience overflowed and poured out into his soul, urging him to push his way out and depart in a hurry. The monks prayed for his lost soul, their offerings untouched.

Saw someone on the bank of the Cam, around Grassy corner, wearing an Assassins hoodie. Wondered whether to attack, but decided that no Mayweek player would advertise their presence quite so blatantly, and did not want to risk innocent deaths, so held my fire. Time is approximate - I know it was a bit before W2 division, and well after M3. Ahem...time is meant to be 16:00 BST, 15:00 UTC. Evidently the Autoumpire has been fixed to now accept times as BST, I'm sure last year it wanted UTC. Timing does seem to be the biggest problem with it, why can event times not be edited?

The battle raged across the open plains, as cannons resounded and the smoke of gunpowder saturated the air. Gavrilo leaped, choking and spluttering even more than usual, between the gunposts, firing his rifle at every Imperial bastard he could see. Eventually, he came to the general HQ of the military forces - there he was, the General! Another brave revolutionary was wrestling with him, punching and kicking. Gavrilo aimed carefully and fired, splattering the bourgeois commander's brains across the trench.

wasn't my fault...I was drunk.

Gavrilo Princip, reincarnated as a small, fuzzy, white kitten with one black-furred paw, a permanent chest irritation and a squint hurtled through the door of Count Irving Washington's private quarters and into his writing room, his trusty revolver before him. As he levelled a shot and fired at the back, he noticed his intended victim's lack of mobility. Damnation! The man was already dead, as was clear from the already glazed eyes and rigor mortis in his limbs. Someone else was trying to bring down the system. Well, Gavrilo Princip, reincarnated as a small, fuzzy, white kitten with one black-furred paw, a permanent chest irritation and a squint would just tell Dragutin he'd got there first.

I saw Ben Weaver by the Mill Pond. We both stopped, pulled out XP 240s, shot at each other for a bit, then ran away.

Mr. Frumious(arriving in room): So who's alive?

Everyone: We're all dead in here, go kill everyone in the next room

Mr. Frumious goes and massacres, and returns to unpack stuff

Short time later: My lovely horse shoots an unexpectant Mr. Frumious

My lovely horse: Guess I respawned

I was outside Roisin's room and mananged to get her to open her door a crack. I shot at her and she said I killed her but then said I hit her foot, so when she opened the door again I shot at her again. I believe this shot was fatal, however she wouldn't speak to me after that so this ought to be confirmed by her.

Someone called with a somewhat unlikely excuse. I opened my door with great suspicion and bearing an RBG, to be greeted by a glimpse of a water gun and a shot. I got very slightly wet, and suspected this to have been fatal, telling my assassin I thought that might have been a hit. On later consideration, I realised that the degree of wetness was far too little for a direct hit by anything but that absolute smallest of weaponry (ie a squirt gun; from the corner of my eye it looked like something more like an XP 220), and that it had probably been merely splashback from the wall. So unless the general rule of "if one says one is dead, then one is dead" applies (and note I never said unequivocally I was hit, only that I initially believed so), I believe no-one died in this event. It's also worth noting that I was in my NO WATER room when I was shot at with a water weapon. Remember even if the firer is standing in the corridor, if the target is in a no water area then a water weapon should not be used.

At approximately 11pm last night I entered the premises of Tom Wootten. As I reached the top of his stair he poked his head around the door and I fired (with my water pistol). He said I had got him but that his room was no water and I had fired in a manner that was 'into' his room. I dont think I fired into his room but his head was mainly in his room and so I dont know if it counts as just an event or a kill! I called in back up and we tried to persuade him to come out and discuss whether the kill was allowed but there was no reply from within his room.

My apologies for not discussing the matter at the time. After the event I went back to listening to music so did not hear you.

In Soviet Russia, the years of paranoia get to you!

After killing Mr. McCann, the remaining duel continued in a strange manner. This manner may have included weapons with no ammunition, and indeed reporting kills during the duel. It was concluded by fursecution, in which a cat was dropped onto the target's head, which, oddly, was indirectly requested. (Fursecution without production of target death is a perversion and will not be discussed in this book)

At around 21.30 last night Lemony and Paran Oid attempted to gain access to The Helvetica Scenario's room, but due to the locked nature of the room, failed. We all exchanged a shot in his corridor but none of us got hit.

No-one who attacked a poor lady carrying a squirt gun is not sorry for doing this. But since this is Mayweek, anyone carrying water guns leaves themselves open to being attacked. To be honest I think that applies generally, regardless of whether anyone or No-one is playing Assassins.
However, No-one should be unable to tell the difference between a squirt gun and a classic Supersoaker, even from a distance without glasses.
It should also be noted that No-one should be unaware that garden parties are no water. While there were no water shootings in any garden parties, No-one needed to carry full water weapons everywhere around such a party.

In which Mr. Kite uses cowardice to survive where The Benjamin Quentin Weaver Fan Club used a shotgun not to. Stop... CONTINUE.

Seeing two assassins walking down Northumberland Avenue + Sidestreets = 2 kills

Stopped (sorry Duke).

... that you were told about a backstab spree
That had just been fought out at 10:43
At the LAN meet.

You didn't believe them (Mr. Kite and The Benjamin Quentin Weaver Fan Club)
But when Philip Bielby finally assured you
Well you knew...

... that you'd been told about a backstab spree
That had just been fought out at 10:43
At the LAN meet.

He didn't seem too pleased to see her. Perhaps because she had not, in fact, brought him shortbread. Perhaps because she had just backstabbed him using poisoned fairydust...while wearing a silly hat.

The Hat of Prophecy alerted me to the fact that a potential victim was approaching...as did the sound of running footsteps. Having ascertained that it was not an ally, and that it was not being chased by anything big and scary, I shot it.

Those accursed pigs, and their debauchery! Women, wine and waste, they consumed the whole world without care. No wonder one of their strumpets had crossed his line of fire when he had shot the Marquis. No matter; she was merely a tool to them, an extra wastrel and no great loss to the country.

Dear Mr Umpire,

I have been looking into the practices of your employee *De* *name is Gambit*! *Remember it*!, and have found he has made a number of severe errors whilst under your tenure, his key problems being a complete lack of professional behaviour and confidentiality relating to client matters. One recent incident highlights his deficiencies. At a recent meeting, he pointed a loaded weapon at me, and proceeded to fire shots randomly around the room. This made my seeing-eye cat go crazy, and it attempted to claw him to death. Fortunately for the industry, it did so.

I will be corresponding with you further in order to finalise my compensation claim for stress and the hand that was shot off during this incident. Also, you may want to implement a new company policy whereby you do not hire homicidal maniacs. You are dirtying the good name of Audit and should not be allowed to practice... but I'll let you away with it.

Yours sincerely,
Emma Pewsey,

The Auditing Professional Oversight Board.

Stop came upon a new hall garden party armed with a water pistol, and tried to shoot Mushroom and Lemony. They told him it was a garden party and he wandered off with a thoughtful look. Lemony twigged he had gone for non water weapons and went and hid in a high place, and when Stop came back and had shot Mushroom and Paran Oid, stalked him along the length of the garden from above until he was in range and threw a knife at him. Thus the legend died!

Oh, Richard 'Strangely Immortal' Gibson, you are so handsome and manly and fiendishly clever. I do not know how I and my furry friends could survive if I did not have a picture of you on my bedroom wall to whisper sweet nothings to each evening. Yours, Lukie

The sirens were blaring - Burrells was under siege again! The enemy had surrounded the B-block and all was looking dim for Burrells-kind, when suddenly our hero, noticing bad guys with water guns, decides to take action. Armed with only a water pistol and his PJs, he fires out of the A-block door at the back of a female assassin, was it Danks? Not certain. May have just hit feet, she appeared to be hopping mad afterwards. Anyways yeah, retreated to room where I noticed All the cool kids psuedonyms end in / taking a casual stroll past my window, so decided to put it to good use for once with water pistol. Sorry dude. The end.

Gasping for breath, Gavrilo Princip, reincarnated as a small, fuzzy, white kitten with one black-furred paw, a permanent chest irritation and a squint raced down the hillside and leaped over bushes, rocks and clumps of grass to reach the outcrop. The hoofbeats were fading away as his target fled. Finally, he reached the ledge and hurled himself onto the edge, placing his rifle in position and levelling a shot at the distant figure. He fired all his rounds, each time just missing, until finally he saw the Archbishop's figure slump in the saddle and fall off his horse. His mission was complete, and the corruption which plagued his land was one step closer to eradication.

The Shortbread Fairy found that the door had most sociably been left unlocked. She remembered the shortbread this time, so everyone was happy.

Gavrilo cursed. Those foul Imperialist bastards had enlisted the help of their best spy to counterstrike and foil the mission he and his companion were on. How nice it had been to have a female assistant, too. He'd make them pay, for all the maidens they slaughtered in cold blood!

The Auditing Professional Oversight Board and *De* *name is Gambit*! *Remember it*! were sat playing computer games from choice in the same room as Mr. Kite for n hours, despite having recently shot me so knowing pretty much exactly when I spawned. They were audited in the balance and found wanting.

No-one would run away upon sight of someone better armed than them. No-one would be silly enough to come back out with a weapon still underpowered. No-one felt any bullets hit their leg, but apparently such a hit occurred. No-one would Stop just because of such a hit, even with only one leg.

And No-one remembers to set the event time in the AutoUmpire. Though it was only a few minutes before the time actually listed.

A Free Man also successfully avoided detection in the very same queue, and will in fact upload photos of Jacob (Jake) Samuel Corteen standing on the other side of the street like a proverbial lemon, armed to the teeth and yet completely obvlivious to the (unarmed) assassin taking said photographs. Aforementioned images will follow after recovering from aforementioned ball.

Look around you. Just look around you. Have you worked out what we're looking for yet? The answer is "BANG".

Note to self:

Congratulations! You have successfully mastered the concept of vital body parts suitable for stabbing. Please proceed to your victory incandescence.

You have also been playing too much Portals. Desist immediately.

I actually felt a bit guilty when he said he though I was an assassin, but didn't dare to ask my name since he sad met me few times already. Such a kind assassin!

He had a trolley, and was thus unable to repond. I actually shot him with my RBG. When queried, he did not feel unfairly set-upon.

Gavrilo crept through the palace corridors, ducking into siderooms occasionally when a servant appeared. As he passed the richly furnished walls and finely crafted tables with jars on, he swore under his breath at the wealth these scumbags were keeping from his people. Casually spitting into the jars, he almost turned a corner straight into an elderly butler. Cursing his lack of caution, he took another route and knew he was almost there when he spotted a painting of a deer hunt. The door next to this was where he had to go. As he approached, he heard a growling and as he was turning the handle, a giant bear, only chained to the wall loosely, burst from a side-corridor and rushed at him. He shot blindly, and by luck hit it directly in the forehead. It crashed and slid on the marble floor, knocking over a dame in a beautiful dress: the Countess herself. She was screaming for help as he emptied his gun into her chest and head, ensuring his job was done before hooking a grapnel onto the window bars and quickly absailing down.

Cackling with success (and then suffering a violent coughing fit), Gavrilo strode away from the bourgeois masked ball with glee. No one had seen him and his Justice Salvation Comerade sneak up to those Imperialist pigs and down them amidst their peers. No doubt the alarm would be sounded soon, but for now the satisfaction of ending the lives of the Baron and Baroness would warm their hearts and put a spring in their step.

...and as they passed a corner, another one of the Enemies of the Fatherland appeared, casually flicking a lock of his bounteous hair back as he took a drag on his cigarette and looked manly. A quick round of fire and Gavrilo fled, the Lord bleeding to death behind him.

You must obey The Dance Commander You know that he's the only one Who gives the orders here, Alright Who gives the orders here, Alright

Let's start the show Because you never know You never know You never know until you go P.S. Hard luck there Steve, almost extremely well played.

I went to the store to get more FIRE... to start the war

Subtlety is difficult in Churchill's bar, which has a lot of glass. The large yellow pig is the obvious solution.

The two victims had just come off the horiztonal bungee, so I snuck up and stabbed The Free Mango with a shrivelled parsnip kife before shooting a prone Aries Nebuchadnezzar with my trusty RBG.

The Shortbread Fairy pretended to be an elderly gentleman in a suit and a beard to rival Mr Corteen's. This appeared to confuse Trivial Fursuit, especially when said gentleman grew an extra arm holding a max-d 3 :p

I came upon Mushroom at the entrance to the building. We formed a truce as I needed her to come and eat ice cream! We then heard Can't sing, can't dance, can handle a gun a little from above and moved to kill her. She ran into her room and we then placed ourselves strategically; me (Lemony) on the staircase above and Mushroom next to her door. Can't sing, can't dance, can handle a gun a little then opened her door, Mushroom shot her with a water gun and the shot was returned with a band gun. Can't sing, can't dance, can handle a gun a little ran around the corner, giving Lemony a clear shot (with a knife). As Can't sing, can't dance, can handle a gun a little was in a nice dress (as in would be suitable to wear to a event in which men would be in suits, although not a black tie event) it was decided that the water gun shot did not count - can you verify this please Mr. umpire?

My killer caterpillar unfortunately appeared to prefer eating mop than Eudoxia, but thankfully my 2-inch-long squirty pistol outgunned her *nonexistant weapon of awesomness*.

Run run run!

Yeesh, but that was close.

BANG!!

*De* *name is Gambit*! *Remember it*!: Hahaha, it's only a mouse, you're not dead

My lovely horse: You're so funny

MIAOW!!!!

My lovely horse: This is only a cat, and you are dead

The landlord of the Bath House may not be too pleased with the huge crater it left in the floor...

People ask me how I do it, and I say, "There's nothing to it: You just stand there looking cute, and when something moves, you shoot!"

I snuck up on A Free Man (still in full fairy kit) by arriving behind Dr A, who was wearing a moose hat...although somehow from the context I think "snuck" may be the wrong word.

We were just leaving, as well! What better sight to someone on negative profit kill-wise than two assassins next to each other and walking towards you? We might have Stopped, but that didn't quite happen. ;-)

An unarmed Abernethy? Awesome! An assassinated Abernethy!

PROFIT

I surprisingly found the time to party this evening, but noticed some blatant accomplicing going on, so stuck my sword in a certain dubious character. He was still looking likely to cause trouble, so a few minutes later I stabbed him a further 22 times.

I also stabbed some other dude for failing to abide by the result of his rock-paper-scissors game with Loki. Not that I think either of them noticed.

Doctor's apprentice,
Parsnip, equals cleaver*
Rylands! The morning,
Unarmed, Mr Weaver!

*well, it was a kife, actually, but that doesn't rhyme.

Youtube
See what I did there? I want style points for that! The parsnip AND the report! :P

Large supersoaker, not loaded. Shiny new cardboard crossbow. Bang.