Cloak & Dagger The Assassins' Guild - Week 1 News

Friday, 25 January

[06:00 AM] The Assassins Game begins, lol occurs!?
The Umpire reports:

So, the assassins game began and dudes all around Cambridge began plotting the deaths of other dudes. Finally, it's the time we've all been waiting for. Some of you have even been training for months for this!!!

In other news, I should probably tell you all that there are between N and M live players in this game at the moment (at the risk of giving away valuable information) >_>

[13:10 PM] Love is all around, it's everywhere I go... or so Michael William Donaghy must think?
Michael William Donaghy reports:

On my way back from unspecified_location I encountered none other than Deputy Chief of Police Colin Love, and ran away because he's so phearsome.

[18:30 PM] Joshua Blanchard Lewis mistakes an innocent for Ninja_Elf
Ninja_Elf reports:

unfortunately for Joshua Blanchard Lewis, he picked a very work-ful day for me and i was in the chemistry dept library all day. I received a call from one of my friends at about 6:30pm telling me they went to my room to get some notes and found some random person in my room who squirted water at them and had apparently filled my room with toothpaste.....i assume this means he probably should be wanted for killing innocent ppl but thats not for me to decide....

anyway, i got back soon after, obviously being rather wary of the situation and found my room slightly vandalised with toothpaste everywhere but, in the spirit of the game, stole some nitrile gloves from te chem dept to clean up......

Joshua Blanchard Lewis reports:

So, a dude who looks like the target and is entering the room of the target (where I have been waiting for two hours) is not the target. Damnit.

[23:00 PM] Maximilian Arturo and Rembrandt Brown appreciate the soft furnishings, but are disappointed by the lack of Bink Atkins
Maximilian Arturo reports:

What if you could travel to other colleges?
The same town, the same porters, only different buildings?
A place where they wish the Russians ruled America?
Or where your dreams of en-suite accomodation came true?
Or where you need a note from a resident to get out?
My friends and I found the college. Now, the problem is: finding a way in.

...which we eventually did, and waited in her living room for a while. When we got bored, we left her a note and performed sabotage upon her banana gun, as the sequel will show. We also visited the common room, where her friends gave us chocolate.

Saturday, 26 January

[11:05 AM] Clytemnestra was in fact doing what was best for Matt Green(Professor Plum), or so they say.
Clytemnestra reports:

A short voyage through the murky realms of facebook yielded to me the information that Matt Green, one of my assigned targets, was planning to marry on Sunday. At this news I became greatly distressed at the thought that his assassination might leave behind a grieving widow. I took it upon myself to prevent such an occurrence - by killing him before the wedding. A swift knife through the heart just outside the Chemistry Lecture theatre at 11 this morning prevented what otherwise might have been a woeful tale of the fatal separation of two newlyweds.

Professor Plum reports:

The tables have been turned! Instead of being accused of murder, Professor Plum was struck down by Clytemnestra, with the candlestick (knife) in the hall (of the BMS).

[13:30 PM] Lord_of_Lamancha tries to goad William Brooks into a fight.... Will he accept? (no pun intended :P)
Lord_of_Lamancha reports:

Accompanied by a brave sidekick from UCL, I sought out William Brooks of Twinnity (supposedly) aboout 1.30pm on saturday. It was a straightforward case of readying the gun, hiding on either side of the door and then knocking. He wasnt in. I left my name with his neighbour. If Brooks wants to find me to avenge this insult, he need only ask...

[15:17 PM] Poetic Justice for Will "the nemesis of all things purple" Brooks
Will "the nemesis of all things purple" Brooks reports:

Once upon a mid-day dreary, while I pondered weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten [unspecified subject],
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
`'Tis some assassin,' I muttered, `tapping at my chamber door -
Only this, and nothing more.'

Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak January,
And each separate dying fresher wrought its ghost upon my screen.
Eagerly I wished the morrow; - vainly I had sought to borrow
From my books surcease of sorrow - sorrow for the lost Matt Green -
For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels named Matt Green -
Nameless here for evermore.

And the silken sad uncertain rustling of each blue curtain
Thrilled me - filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;
So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating
`'Tis some assassins entreating entrance at my chamber door -
Some live assassin retreating away from my chamber door; -
This it is, and nothing more,'

Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
`Sir,' said I, `and Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping,
And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door,
That I scarce was sure I heard you' - here I opened wide the door; -
Darkness there, and nothing more.

Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream aloud,
But the silence was unbroken, and the darkness gave no token,
And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, `coward!'
This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word, `coward!'
Merely this and nothing more.

[18:29 PM] Bink Atkins(Batcake) gets a question on science! Maybe she should have asked Maximilian Arturo and Quinn Mallory for help?
Maximilian Arturo reports:

She got the jump on us this time, while we were imprisoned beneath the porter's watchful eye, squeezing a shot at one of us before being gunned down. Could this be the end for cueball? But wait! That gun did not fire, for it has been sabotaged in last night's exploits. The reason the sun never sets on the British Empire is because God doesn't trust the British in the dark, with good reason.

[22:07 PM] William Brooks had an eventful evening, but noone died :( (this makes me a sad umpire)
William Brooks reports:

Tonight I saw Jenny Scott-Thompson, David Smith and Michael Conterio. I none of them were wearing hats. I then saw Police Officer Matt Green walking around Trinity looking very inebriated and behaving unfitting for a member of law enforcement.

I also believe Tom Booth was in Trinity as well but these beards make it so hard to tell.


Sunday, 27 January

[03:00 AM] Bad Tom Booth. Bad. (I hear Tom Wootten may be interested to hear this news)

[03:00 AM] Tom Booth, well lol
Tom Booth reports:

3.00 am

I was waiting for my bus back to Steve's distant abode when I saw Sarah and Solitude across the road. I said hello to them, and we chatted for a bit. Suddenly, I accidentally brutally stabbed Solitude seventeen times in the stomach. He shouted "rape!" (I think he was a bit confused; it wasn't that kind of penetration).

The last bus back was then mysteriously cancelled, so Solitude let me into a Trinity common room where I could sleep for a bit.

9.00 am

I woke in the Trinity common room at about 6.20 after a girl walked through but, owing to my awesome assassins skills, failed to notice I was there. I decided it was best to make my escape then, before a porter turned up and assumed I was a random tramp.

6.30 on a Sunday morning is a temporal location that, until that point, I had not known existed. I had been happy in my ignorance, and it appeared the rest of the world were too. I quickly discovered that not only is it the least known time in the world, but also the coldest. The wind seemed to howl straight off Siberia, across the North Sea, over Cambridge's rather inefficient windbreak (AKA UAE) and then straight into my body. For about half an hour I stood around shivering uncontrollably and looking like a complete berk, before I was able to get into Whewell's to lurk for my target Dan Craik and my not-target William Brooks.

After a while of this I was getting bored and walked up to visit my second target, Sunil Shah. He appeared to be in the process of getting up, and he opened his door to find a gun in his face. Bang.

I then went to visit my good friend Charles "Vomster" Curry, and knocked quietly on his door in case he was up. There were a few hungover Scottish ramblings in response, so I left him alone.


JJ got onto my bus back into town. I would have killed him, but he never left an out-of-bounds area.


I stabbed the Umpire, because I was bored.

2.45 pm

I saw Michael Conterio cycling past and bang-killed him.

3.30 pm

With the help of Jacob Samuel Corteen I went after Dan Craik again. He waited upstairs by the window, while I waited downstairs. After a few minutes, I checked the basement to see if he was in there. During this time he walked out of the front door, which I heard from downstairs. Jake didn't notice. For a few minutes we were unsure whether he had gone (while the Umpire and Emma fell about laughing), then we knocked on his door and discovered that he had. Hurrah.

4.00 pm

That abject failure behind us, we went after William Brooks. After about twenty minutes of fruitless lurking, I got bored and knocked on his door. I opened a window on the staircase on the way in so that Jake could cover me, which later proved to be a perfect shield. (I should note that any comments about Raccoon were made at this juncture, and I was comparing Will to him in the hope it would spur him into action). Eventually he emerged and stood threateningly at the window. In true Currific style, he tried and failed to deploy an umbrella, while I managed to miss his window with all but the first of my throwing knives. My gun was less potent than the weapons I was used to, so I couldn't reach him with it, and took the opportunity to berate Steve for having lent me such a useless gun.

After I had pratted around for a bit failing to kill him, Will inexplicably stopped to reload his gun, thus giving me a chance to get inside the staircase. He tried to empty his unloaded gun on my head as I passed, but this was deemed not to have worked since it wasn't a weapon and had, moreover, missed.

I got upstairs and opened a window hoping to shoot down on him next time he leaned out, but one of his neighbours told him what was going on, so he started leaning out and shooting up at my window. At this juncture, porters arrived, so I disappeared and then made a stylish getaway. Shame.

(I hear Twillo's neighbour opposite doesn't have a sense of humour)

5.20 pm

Next on the list was Jake's target Marko Thiel. We scouted the area outside his room, decided to lurk on the staircase outside, and sat there for a bit chatting about this and that. A girl walked past who was very helpful when she learned why we were there. Jake then realised that we hadn't located Marko Thiel's kitchen, which might be useful if he didn't go to hall. I went to check it out, and thought that I might as well try the doorhandle while I was there. To my surprise and Marko Thiel's, the door was open, so I shot him.

At the time I shot him I had forgotten that he wasn't actually a legal target, so whoops. But in any case I was irredeemably wanted, so it didn't really matter.

6.00 pm

We went back to Dan Craik, who by now had returned to his room. He was listening to music loudly and typing at a computer; every now and again it sounded like he was leaving and putting a coat on, but our hopes came to nothing. Even a phone call in which he announced he was leaving "soon" failed to spur him into action. He then started eating, so we guessed he wasn't going to hall.

After half an hour of waiting for him to leave imminently, we decided to try his door and go. I knocked, using the cover of asking him to turn his music down a bit as it was disturbing other people on the corridor. Unfortunately poor Dan Craik took the cover at face value, and simply returned inside, turning his music down without question. Damn.

6.45 pm

Elementary Maths for Historians, Part I

1. Calculate the probability that the person in front of you is a legal target. Show all workings.

I estimated the initial gamesize to be 52.
Four people have died.
52- 4 = 48.
There are six people in the game who are legal targets. I know who two of them are. I can not be a legal target for myself.
48-(2+1) = 45.
There are four remaining legal targets.
(4/45)*100 = 8.89%
I am 97% certain the person over there is Neville Ball.
97% + 8.89% = 105.89%
105.89% = PROFIT

*Neville Ball perishes in a frenzy of stabbing*

7.30 pm

I should have known better.

I should have known better than to introduce myself to someone I knew was an assassin.
I should have known better than to attack an entire mafia on my own.
I should have known better than to attack Foxy in front of the most dangerous player in the game, for whom I was a legal target.
I should have known better than to trust Phil.

I should have known better, and I should really have learned. But I didn't.

I tried Jayaveni Chedumbarum Pillay's door on my way to see the Umpire, but she wasn't in. By this stage I was tired, hungry, a bit fed up that thirteen hours of near-constant assassining had yielded the rather paltry haul of three kills, and my feet were killing me. I went back out into the Old Hall back staircase to "confer" with my associate.

I got about as far in my intended grand speech as "And now, Mr Corteen, your usefulness is at..." before Jake, who had long anticipated this, and had a better gun and firing position, shot me in the face.

So I died, for what will almost certainly be the last time.

Remember kids:

1. There's no such thing as an innocent.
2. Backstabbing doesn't pay.
3. It is fun though.

Over and out.

[09:00 AM] Tom Booth rampages on... at least Sunil Shah (Red) was his target!
Red reports:

Yup, dead. Woke up to make some pasta for lunch and this dude was standing outside my room with a gun. Impressed with his dedication - 9am on a Sunday morning. Perhaps he was just lucky, if I was normal then maybe I would have still been sleeping, he would have got bored and I'd still be alive!

[14:35 PM] Under Siege 4: Matthew Delja (John Wesley Hardin) gets taken down by the hit action hero, Axolotl
Axolotl reports:

At 14:35 on Sunday the 27th of Janurary, I sieged the abode of Matthew Delja with two willing accomplices. Said siege eventually resulted in the death of my target by a shot from my trusty Lugar, while my colleagues and I escaped unscathed.

Matthew Delja reports:

A dude accompanied by some of their friends knocked on my door this afternoon sobbing asking for Matthew. I closed the door, went upstairs and dropped a grenade that nearly killed them. I came back out to see, but was shot by Axolotl.

[15:30 PM] Best Lurk Ever!!
Emma Pewsey reports:

Well lol and lol

[16:00 PM] Take one Tom Booth, add a little William Brooks and just a dash of Jacob Samuel Corteen and guess what you get?
William Brooks reports:

Dear Umpire, today I saw yourself and your most esteemed madmoiselle, Emma Pewsey, in front of my staircase. Neither of you were wearing hats. I also saw the nefarious Tom Booth. He was wearing a hat (and very dashing it made him look). He threw pens at me (and also not around me) and fired shots at me but missed. I then saw Jacob Samuel Corteen who looked remarkably non-dashing without a hat and with his hand in his coat. He did not shoot Tom Booth so I assume he is aiding this dastardly fellow. I tried to shoot at Tom Booth's window (a floor above me) but as I was doing so, the porters arrived and hilarity did not ensue, boredom and work did. This made me sad. Tom Booth likened himself to Raccoon so maybe he is a furry. He does look a bit like Che though so these things balance out.

[17:20 PM] Oh Tom Booth, I guess that's what happens when you leave your door unlocked, eh Marko Thiel (SupplyAndDemand)? Jacob Samuel Corteen's beard was also menancing Christ's.

[18:32 PM] Dan Craik's neighbours become good friends...
Dan Craik reports:

Today my 'neighbour' knocked on my door asking if I could turn the music down. Being both suspicious and cowardly I apologised through the letterbox and returned to the safety of my work with slightly quieter music. A few moments later I heard a suspicious tapping on my window and spied the dastardly Tom Booth. Unfortunately by the time backup had arrived the villain had scarpered.

[18:45 PM] Tom Booth shows that he will shoot just about anyone he even vaguely might possibly recognise. Neville Ball (DUI) just found this out.

[19:10 PM] William Brooks is a very popular boy today...
William Brooks reports:

I heard that Tom Booth was inside Trinity again but by the time I got there he had run away like a good little furry. I also saw Han Ley Tang who was not wearing a hat. I failed to see Simeon Bird so I do not know if he was wearing a hat. I like chocolate chip cookies - If you want to poison me this would be a good way to do it. I do not like stilton so this would be a bad way to do it

[19:30 PM] The nefarious criminal Tom Booth(John Carter of Mars) is finally brought down.
Jacob Samuel Corteen reports:

Shenanigans occur in Newnham.

Booth: Mr. Corteen, your usefulness to me has come to an end.

Hands fly to guns, water flies, and then Tom tries to dodge, falls over, flails about and is shot in the head.

May he rest in peace.

[22:30 PM] Jacob Samuel Corteen is the nemesis of William Brooks(Will "the nemesis of all things purple" Brooks)
Jacob Samuel Corteen reports:

My apologies. That was a pretty unfortunate way to die - sheer bad luck. My commiserations, and best wishes for future success.

Will "the nemesis of all things purple" Brooks reports:

Alas alack, I am no more... While in a desperate bid to flee from unspecified_society I was more concerned with who was behind me than in front. Out of nowhere came a beard followed by a hail of bands. It transpired unspecified_assailant had been merely going to the bar and that it was mere fortune to run into me - how the fates pain me
Remorse is nothing if you cannot feel the pain of a broken heart.

[22:36 PM] Michael William Donaghy(Wade Kathleen Welles) tries to get in the way of science, and feels Maximilian Arturo's wrath
Maximilian Arturo reports:

Miss Wells had been getting increasingly hysterical. When one is faced with a scientific problem of such magnitude, a cool head is necessary, and there is no time for distractions. It was also becoming plausible that she had sold out to the Cro-Mags. As the Regius Professor of Cosmology and Ontology, I could not allow this. So I had to, chivalrously, decapitate her.

Monday, 28 January

[08:50 AM] Dan Craik(The Pagonophobe) was a good neighbour, but that didn't stop Jacob Samuel Corteen
Jacob Samuel Corteen reports:

Apologies about making you turn your music down the other day. Assassins excuses sometimes work a bit too well...

[09:36 AM] Hmmm... I guess this must be code or something...
Generalissimo Noxiano Bigotegraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaande reports:

The Butta of an Elita Cigara wassa lefta inna mya Porcha no doubta assa Threata from ze Eeeenfestacion of Cubano Revolucionarios. I woulda accusa ze latea 'Che', were it notta for the facta that a Revolucionario as Olda and as Barbudo as Presidente Castro leeeeves withina Tres Bloques of my Palacio Presidential... Zere weeeell be Repercuzion con Muchas Lamas for zees!

[12:00 PM] He's behind you! Callum Rhodes(SGD) fails to use essential panto knowledge against General Operative (Death)
General Operative (Death) reports:

My dearest umpire 12:00: I was moving out of lectures when I saw my target Callum Rhodes emerge in front of me. As he walked out the doors, he looked to the left and right, but not behind him, so i stabbed him in the back.

Callum Rhodes reports:

As I read my emails this morning a notice an email from the umpire, I thought great new targets. As I read it, to my horror my best friend was on the list. What was I to do?! Then it came over me, an ominous felling, I knew I was going to die today, fate would not allow this to happen.

I left my room that fateful morning weary of any unfamiliar sound and any sudden movement. Lectures were overshadowed by a feeling of impending judgement. Then as I left the lecture hall around 12:00 I was shot in the back. I was no more... assassin, oh well. There's always the next game!!

[12:15 PM] Jayaveni Chedumbarum Pillay(mysteryman) finds out what happens when you break out of bounds rules from Jacob Samuel Corteen
Jacob Samuel Corteen reports:

Please can assassins take note that I should not be attacked when operating extremely expensive electron microscopes. Equally, should they do so and find out I am OOB, they should then be advised not to stand around outside waiting for me to come out, and get shot.

[15:30 PM] If only Adam Guterres(Heatwaves to Alaska) was in Alaska, then he would have been wearing gloves and would not have died
Heatwaves to Alaska reports:

Hi, just reporting to say that I've been contact poisoned (illegally) by some vaseline on my door handle.

Joshua Blanchard Lewis reports:

Hot enough for you? Icy potential for many heated jokes here... Until someone gives me the cold shoulder. Etc.

[16:45 PM] The elite military knowledge kicked in too late for Ben Naseman(The Admiral)
The Admiral reports:

I had just come back from work in town today and was daydreaming, about nothing less than striking my next target down. So intensely was I thinking that I did not notice anything funny with my doorhandle - until it was too late. What the layman might perceive as Vaseline I recognised instantly as Toxate 7b, most deadly of contact poisons, now smeared across my tender hand. I was most distraught until I checked the rules, and discovered that under section B.1 of the weapons' code, that one is not allowed to poison any door handles. I look forward to the satisfaction of seeing my killer's name on the Wanted list for this most heineous breach of the rules.

The Admiral

Joshua Blanchard Lewis reports:

Way ahead of you ;)

[17:30 PM] Are you looking for anyone? Anna Kalorkoti(Clytemnestra) doesn't like Backward Finesse's answer
Backward Finesse reports:

Anna Kalorkoti.. is dead. After many hours of fruitless visits to Anna's staircase, I met her returning to her room. Relying on her shield of anonymity she enquires as to the purpose of my visit.. unaware that my sources had passed on details of her appearance to me... One shot and it was done...

Anna Kalorkoti reports:

Returning to my abode from a Physics practical, I encountered a strange man lurking at the bottom of the stairs. 'Are you looking for anyone?' I enquired. 'Unfortunately it's you,' he replied, as he pulled out a gun and shot me.

[18:00 PM] Battle of mice gives Megan Stanley(Miss. Terie) a fear of rodents
Battle of mice reports:

This evening before food time, I made an attempt on Megan Stanley's life by going to her room and shooting an RBG around the door when she opened it slightly, but I got her viola case, not her, and hence had to retreat. I then ate and returned to our court, where I waited in the doorway to the laundry until this same player walked past on her way to formal with a friend. She threw a pen-knife at me but missed, and so I chased her and finally got her with my RBG.

Once back in my staircase, I noted that the light in my bathroom (shared with one other person) was on. After checking that the stairs were clear, I waited to see who came out, and it wasn't my bathroom-sharing person. I panicked and fired at them, but the gun didn't go off, which is lucky, because it was an innocent. I just informed them that they probably shouldn't use a random assassin's bathroom in the future.

[19:55 PM] Sian Humphries(DOA) is indeed DOA
DOA reports:

I got killed at exactly 7.55pm today (28th Jan) by an assassin, the little rascal =P

an assassin reports:

I rater coincidentally happened to be in (unspecified place) and, to my suprise, standing there in plain sight, stood my target. I walked up to her, wondering when she would look my way. She didn't. Feeling rather dissapointed I called her name, so that she would at least look at me while I stabbed her. Poor girl should have had better training.

[20:10 PM] The poison epidemic continues, with Robert Bell(Notes from a small island) the latest victim
Robert Bell reports:

came back to my room today after a day of lectures, a class and working in johns library at about 8.10pm and i noticed that my door handle appears to have been smeared with poison, aka vasaline

it was cleverly done, as it was on the underside of the handle so you couldnt see it. whats worse was that i had let myself in, turning the key and pushing with it (so i hadnt actually touched the handle), dumped my stuff and then gone out to the kitchen, closing the door behind me with the handle and THEN noticing that it was covered in poison

Joshua Blanchard Lewis reports:

It seems these pseudonyms are Neither Here Nor There. I would take a Walk in the Woods but I fear I would find a Lost Continent.

[21:00 PM] Shenanigans occur, involving many many assassins, mainly all running away from each other
Maximilian Arturo reports:

I received a call from the other Sliders to go to their assistance outside Newnham. When I arrived, I spied Jacob Samuel Corteen hiding behind a car. I then saw two shadowy figures in the distance running away from me. Deducing that my allies, being outnumbered, were the most likely to be in retreat, I waved and ran after them. They continued to retreat.

When I got closer, I hailed them. They continued to retreat.

I then saw that they were not my allies at all, but none other than the notorious criminal, Joshua Blanchard Lewis, and a minion! Seeing this, I shouted "Hi Duke!" and ran towards them waving my arms. Panicked, they started to retreat at full speed, drawing weapons as they went.

I wish it noted that there were two of them, one of whom is the Best Assassin Ever, and only one of me. And they ran away in craven terror. Truly, Raccoon's legacy yet lives.

Rembrandt Brown reports:

I saw many assassins. Some of them were wearing hats, but most of them were not. I feel that this is a trend that should be reversed.

Joshua Blanchard Lewis reports:

The glorious revolution continues! Our brave, bold warriors struck a blow of terror into the hearts of our foes. Despite being outnumbered and outgunned, we isolated their ringleader and made him flee like the effeminate rake he is. Eventually his mewling cries for help brought in his vicious, vindictive villains, whose presence forced us to vanish. For now...

Tuesday, 29 January

[00:11 AM] NEWSFLASH!!! Due to multiple illegal homocides by Joshua Blanchard Lewis, Tom Wootten and crime central tighten up security on the crime database.
The Umpire reports:

In addition to the wanted rules in place on the game rules, a member of the police force has been elevated to the ranks of secret police without even his colleagues' knowledge. This highly trained operative has an additional security code, named "The Duke Code", which will be required to access Joshua Blanchard Lewis's personal profile on the crime database.

A spokesperson for our brave Captain Tom Wootten would like to assure the public that everything is ok, and that the danger has almost certainly passed.

[12:30 PM] Philip Hubbard(Old Uncle Tom Cobleigh et al.) finds out that The Smug Ostrich doesn't just put their head in the sand
The Smug Ostrich reports:

I spotted Philip Hubbard on the way to my staircase, so I lay in wait for him. A hail of bands sent him on his way. Who knew that ostriches had the opposable thumbs needed to fire a weapon?

Old Uncle Tom Cobleigh et al. reports:

Tom Pearce, Tom Pearce, lend me your grey mare.
All along, down along, out along lee.
For I want for to go to Widecombe Fair,
With Bill Brewer, Jan Stewer, Peter Gurney,
Peter Davy, Dan'l Whiddon, Harry Hawke,
Old Uncle Tom Cobley and all,
Old Uncle Tom Cobley and all.

Well, I wandered through Cambridge one January day,
All along, down along, out along lee.
To Jesus College, assassins to slay,
With Bill Brewer, Jan Stewer, Peter Gurney,
Peter Davy, Dan'l Whiddon, Harry Hawke,
Old Uncle Tom Cobley and all,
Old Uncle Tom Cobley and all.

Then 11 o'clock came, and tuesday noon.
All along, down along, out along lee.
But the Jesuan assassins hath not trotted home,
To Bill Brewer, Jan Stewer, Peter Gurney,
Peter Davy, Dan'l Whiddon, Harry Hawke,
Old Uncle Tom Cobley and all,
Old Uncle Tom Cobley and all.

So Tom Pearce's old mare, her got shot and died.
All along, down along, out along lee.
And Tom he sat down on a stone, and he cried
For Bill Brewer, Jan Stewer, Peter Gurney,
Peter Davy, Dan'l Whiddon, Harry Hawke,
Old Uncle Tom Cobley and all,
Old Uncle Tom Cobley and all.

But this ain't the end o' this shocking affair.
All along, down along, out along lee.
Nor, though they be dead, of the horrid career
Of Bill Brewer, Jan Stewer, Peter Gurney,
Peter Davy, Dan'l Whiddon, Harry Hawke,
Old Uncle Tom Cobley and all,
Old Uncle Tom Cobley and all.

When the wind whistles cold on the moor of the night.
All along, down along, out along lee.
Tom Pearce's old mare doth appear ghastly white,
With Bill Brewer, Jan Stewer, Peter Gurney,
Peter Davy, Dan'l Whiddon, Harry Hawke,
Old Uncle Tom Cobley and all,
Old Uncle Tom Cobley and all.

[13:50 PM] Joshua Blanchard Lewis rampages on... Is there anyone out there (wo)man enough to stop him?
Joshua Blanchard Lewis reports:

A crazy belgian tried to sell me chocolate at my door - so I shot him. I proceeded to shake his hand with my poisoned one. I then stabbed him, bang killed him, threw a bouncy ball at him, shot him again, dropped an anvil on his head, dartgunned him and finally set my killer attack hedgehog to devour his corpse.

Tee hee. Spider Monkeys. Marshmallows. Pie.

Wednesday, 30 January

[00:00 AM] It's the Umpire's Birthday!!
The Umpire reports:

Today it is the Umpire's birthday!! Hooray!! He is now n years old, where n is large :P xxx

[01:45 AM] Michael William Donaghy does his best to clean up the mean streets of Cambridge
Michael William Donaghy reports:

The rain fell, cold as the grave. I wished it would keep falling forever, wash this whole damn city clean as it did the sewers beneath my feet. But, like a sewer, that would probably just mean the worst floated to the top. As always.

I patted the cold, dark workings of my gun, tried in vain to fix the magazine cap. Departmental budget slashed again, while no doubt the captain lives it up on the chocolate biscuits his "friends" "donated" to keep him parroting the old "there are no mafias in Cambridge". Sometimes, since our brave civic newspaper doesn't even try to hide being on the payroll of Mr D, I wonder why they bother.

Mr there was a name to conjure with. He showed up 'bout a year and a half ago, just when I thought things couldn't get any worse. And boy did he prove me wrong; these days there isn't one piece of villany he hasn't got his tendrils. Of course, with half the 'force - heck, half the city in his pocket, there was no way a beat cop like me could lay a finger on him. Oh, we traced what we could to him, even got him in the cells one night when he'd been a little more indiscreet than usual - but of course he slipped away in the morning, well lubricated by his fancy lawyers.

But he'd gone too far this time. Shooting an innocent man he could've got away with. Even destroying half the city's bicycles in some crazy insurance scheme he would've survived - oh, sure, it would have cost him dear - enough to get me a decent weapon for this, that's for sure - but many of the people he was up against were just as villanous as he was, and there were those on the 'force who saw all the poor victims as a fair price to pay.

But last night he'd damn near killed one of our own, before my very eyes; poor young Officer Brooks, perhaps the only true innocent left in this godforsaken town. Never shot his partner in the back, never took a bribe that I saw...I gave it about eight months before the city drained him, sucked out his soul, left him but a lifeless husk, a mere shadow of the former man. Perhaps it would've been better for him to have died that night. But God - or the devil - had another end in mind for him. Certainly it was some supernatural force that stopped the corrosives on that bike from killing him, kept him alive - at least up to a point - and let him escape.

Even then, the PD couldn't do anything official. Which was why I was here, with no backup, and a broken gun, in the middle of the night, an assassin in all but name. There would be no medals for this, no glorious public appearances; the best they could do would be to keep me from getting caught for it and tried myself - and I knew as well as any of them that they might not even manage that. But I had my chance, and that was enough. One shot at ending Mr D's dastardly career forever. One shot at redemption for a two-time loser like me.

Noises spilled out onto the street, and then the people, in twos and threes, clinging together like rodents swept away to sea, and soon dripping to match. I gave small thanks for my departmental riot shield - at least it kept the rain off, though it was a toss-up whether it would be enough to keep me alive.

At last, JC emerges. I've had dealings with him before; one of the old-time bad guys with honour and morals, which almost made him a good guy. Not so much of a good guy that he wouldn't put a slug in me if I made the wrong move though - and of late I'd even heard he'd been working with Mr D. Truly, the well of depravity is bottomless in this town.

Still, that night I was glad to see him. He told me Mr D wasn't there, and wouldn't be unless he called him. Guess my tip was wrong. But thoughts of that took a back seat as Officer Brooks emerged from that same den of iniquity, Lady A beside him. Had he succumbed already to the myriad temptations of this city? Was this all it took to turn such a promising officer to the dark side? Aw, who the hell was I to be judging him?

I saw everyone home, made sure no more gunfights broke out while we were within the city centre. It seemed the least I could do. And once more, I vowed to take Mr D down.

Whatever it took.

[08:30 AM] Little Miss Apprehensive is dedicated... their target is just lazy
Little Miss Apprehensive reports:

Spent an hour or so lurking the house of *unspecified target* in the wintry-cold January dawn, waiting for him to emerge, but he inconsiderately decided to stay in his nice cosy bed. A blackbird, deciding that I was a stationary part of the landscape, tried to perch on my head. My feet have turned a suspicious shade of blue.

Joshua Blanchard Lewis reports:

Little Miss Apprehensive, Backward Finesse and Joshua Blanchard Lewis went to get an old hat. It was out of stock...

[08:31 AM] Maximilian Arturo and The Independent Nation of Neil are clearly lacking some Backward Finesse
Backward Finesse reports:

Take one 8:30am hunt of Maximilian Arturo (with no success... the target stayed in bed!), two lectures in *unspecified subject 1*, another lecture in *unsepcified subject 2*, more pointless lurking of *The Independent Nation of Neil* (wasn't there) and a night at *unspecified society*, and you get one very tired assassin...

[10:15 AM] Those early morning lectures are a killer, as Rich Miller(Muttley) discovers
Rich Miller reports:

After foolishly attending my 9am lecture, and, having not made it home the previous night, being bereft of a bike, I was walking back to college. Looking over my shoulder in a paranoid fashion, who should I see, but Michael Oldfield. naturally, my hand went to the band gun in my pocket, but he had a water pistol. Being a manly man, I only ran away a little bit, then attempted to put up a fight, but was brutally gunned down. With my last dying breath I cursed 9am lectures.

Michael Oldfield reports:

Discern target!
Rubber band and gun.
Double Speed Running.
Two Slightly Distorted Screams.
Man dying!
Decapitation, and introducing Evisceration!
Tubular Bells!

[18:45 PM] After a run in with Joshua Blanchard Lewis, Philip Bielby (Rembrandt Brown) fell to Jacob Samuel Corteen. Revenge of his death exactly one year ago to the day, perhaps?
Jacob Samuel Corteen reports:

Death his death's wound shall then receive, and stoop
Inglorious, of his mortal sting disarmed;
I through the ample air in triumph high
Shall lead Hell captive maugre Hell, and show
The powers of darkness bound.

Joshua Blanchard Lewis reports:

I do like to play with my Philip Bielby-shaped stencil and a big water gun. It's lovely when its shape appears on the floor behind it, so dainty and mushroom-shaped. It's just a shame it runs away and doesn't want to play... :(

[20:40 PM] Michael William Donaghy- You are a lawful human warrior. Philip Bielby - You are dead.
Michael William Donaghy reports:

pmb45's ghost misses
Your knife passes straight through pmb45's ghost

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