The Assassins' Guild - Week 1 News
The Assassins' Guild - Week 1 NewsWhat to do when someone is pointing a gun at your head from point-blank range? Clearly the answer is to shoot them.
After we snuck in through secret ways, past perfidious traps, we finally made it to Odysseus's room. Sadly, and despite my loyal servitude, George got awfully confused, thinking we should kill George, and caused a terrible kerfuffle. So she waited outside, watching in case any horrible grown-ups came along, and, much as it rent my heart to leave my dashing mistress alone, as her dutiful pet I obeyed her orders and protected Anne as she slew the evil (you can tell by the thin lips) fiend.
It was awfully exciting! George went up to see Odysseus, but got a bit confused, so went outside until she had calmed down a bit.
Timmy and I then went in, and asked for Odysseus, and found that she was the one who was screaming. I went and performed a bit of science, and used this to shoot her.
We had heard from friends of a fort being constructed in Trinity Hall. Thinking this sounded dashed excellent, we went to see it, but some nasty grown-ups told George she couldn't play there. So, once again wracked with sorrow, but once more unwavering in my duty, I escorted Anne to the fort. But, from above, we saw the terrible sight of The Jackal, and Anne resolved we should slay this beast. She led the way, but fell back from the awesome horror of its visage, so I, protecting her to the last, leapt for its throat and slew the wretched thing.
While my mistress and Anne frolicked upon the slide at Claire Memorial Court, I ran ahead, sensing danger, and sure enough I beheld a sinister (you can tell by the beard) figure. Yelping quietly to alert them, I summoned George and Anne and together we stepped forward to kill He who Hates Freedom. The feel of my mistress' presence at my back gave me strength, and at her unspoken command I slew the evil bearded man, but as a sudden weakness claimed my limbs I realised his terrible weapons had pierced me as he fell. Through dying eyes I looked on the elegant visage of my mistress for one last time, and then I was at peace, happy that I had fulfilled my duty of protection to George and her friend.
He was particularly adrift, because he hadn't realised the game had started. So I shot him, while Anne laughed manically in the background
I am going to a dinner. I spot: Alex Atkins. I chase Alex Atkins. Alex Atkins falls over, as does Philip Bielby. I shoot Alex Atkins. Everyone gets dusted off, and Ben stands in the background looking sinister. Thanks Alex. Thalex. "Oh, Alex!" said George, horrified. "However am I going to get you out of here? This hole goes right down your suit. Oh, Timmy! Whyever did I lose my temper and walk out on the others to do some exploring on my own?"
I went for a very scary trip today to Fitzwilliam, where I shot the very scary and evil Lady Bumcivillian Amylase Tetrahydroxide. I didn't even have Timmy there to scare away anyone who might have had a gun!
It has been brought to my attention that I am not where I say I am at the moment. Call the police, etc. As such I feel it is only fair to let people know where I actually am. I will be spending the rest of today at my house: 28 Church Road, Bitton. A map is here: http://www.multimap.com/maps/#t=l&map=51.42383,-2.46038|16|4&loc=GB:51.42383:-2.46038:16|BS30%206HH|BS30%206HH From 9 tomorrow morning (possibly earlier) I will be at work at the Tramshed in Bath. It is here: http://www.multimap.com/maps/#t=l&map=51.38561,-2.35863|16|4&loc=GB:51.38561:-2.35863:16|BA1%205BB|BA1%205BB Please remember I will be out of bounds while at work. I have a lunch break during some of which I will be out and about in town, and thus in bounds- usually from about 1pm. Work usually finishes at about 5.45. I may then return home (see above). I shall be arriving in Cambridge via public transport at some point within 40 hours of posting this report. A picture of some public transport can be found here: http://ims.npt.gov.uk/imsapps/publictransport/images/montage.jpg Here is a picture of some tasty treats that I will offer to anyone who attacks me between now and my boarding the public transport: http://www.pezcyclingnews.com/photos/features/rook/dec05-pastries.jpg (NOTE: CONTENTS MAY DIFFER FROM THOSE SHOWN) Here are some pictures of some people it would be advisable not to shoot if you choose to attack me: http://k43.pbase.com/o4/42/626142/1/54429272.100_1188.JPG http://static.flickr.com/42/105713733_995409f3c6.jpg http://calasanz.cult.gva.es/7_ejercicios/ingles/Vocabulary/Policeman.jpg http://www.shmater.com/george%20bush%20as%20fred%20flintstone%2049.jpg Here is someone who it's ok to shoot: http://www.mediabistro.com/fishbowlLA/original/raccoon.jpg (It's better to burn out than to fade away).
The fool had it coming. As he left the area of my residance I took my shot
lol @ ~2200 hours, impromptu attack on lol Tree court, Arrived to see ferret poke nose out of letetrbox, then hide. retreated to much water at our backs.
You are all lame.
I am the bone of my wildfire. Foam is my body, and rubber is my blood. I have fired over four shots. Unaware of loss. Nor aware of gain. Got up early to fire many shots. Waiting for Long John Bronze's arrival. I have no regrets. This is the only path. My whole life was "Unlimited Nerf Darts."
The Lord proclaimeth: I have sent an Agent to carry out my divine Will. His Wrath shall be great and Vengeance terrible, and his Foes shall tremble before his charging Steed.
Another exciting event!
I visited Odysseus again, and shot her very nicely. She was wearing a towel. How remarkably scientific. George stood a bit further up the stairs, and looked on with malice.
Stevo Spaghetto tried to shoot me again. Thus I killed him again.
I saw a man in a hat ahead of me, afraid it was George I called Stevo Spaghetto who was dead so I hid.
This was in fact a totally different gentleman in a hat.
Gosh! That was exciting too. Timmy was off doing something else, so George and I went to shoot some other young gentleman. I think we shall now depart to have lashings of ginger beer!
As Anne held off the evil Long John Bronze, Julian saw his chance and leapt.
Julian and I were having a jolly good time, so we went to visit Lady Bumcivillian Amylase Tetrahydroxide in Fitzwilliam College. He may have left his door open, and he may have sat with his back to the door. This may have been taken as a hint to shoot him in the back.
Oh, you, Timmy!
Jake used his mastery of level 3.42 of the 4+1 (5) levels of water fighting to score a critical hit in a synergistic. proactive and dynamic, feature-driven content oriented media stream. 2.0. In Space.
How did you do that?
Do what?
You moved like they do. I've never seen anyone move that fast.
Wasn't fast enough.
Julian and I went to Peterhouse JCR, and found these two ruffians sitting with their backs to us!
So possibly sticking to my known habits was a mistake, but I think it was worth it to watch Gladiators. ftn FTW and all that. Also bonus points to Mr Adsley for warning me a moment after I'd been shot, and to Dave for borrowing my band gun to "protect" me and totally failing to do so.
Today we wield both kind of uncleftish doings in weapons, and kernelish splitting gives us heat and bernstoneness. We hope to do likewise with togethermelting, which would yield an unhemmed wellspring of work for mankindish goodgain.
Well, that was a bit lame.
Getting into the room was easy. So was shooting him.
In the small hours of the morning Julian had no choice but to walk home alone. Despite his best efforts he was cornered by Joshua Guy Blanchard Lewis. He fought valiently, but ultimately he fell.
Clare College owes me an innocent penalty. It's not my fault they label kitchens as rooms!
~11:40 After He Who Hates Freedom had run away for the second time, A Titanium Elemental wandered of sad and alone. Luckily it found Charlotte [illegible] on a bicycle. Tragically she suffered a nasty injury from a dart gun and was forced to dismount. Sadly the wound became fatal when attempts to stem the bleeding with further weaponry failed.
And the Lord proclaimeth: (3.1) There will come to be a Time of terrible Storms, yea, and tempestuous Gales. And at this Time, my Force shall strike; (3.2) veritably he shall be terrible in Power, and bring down My Wrath upon the Infidels and those of the Canine variety and their Ilk.
So apparently I am not wary enough when entering my staircase. But I do offer food and drink to people who kill me.
Well, that was exciting!
Gosh! A dude!
And the Lord proclaimeth: (4.1) There shall be those who use Cunning and Courage to oppose my Emissary. And they shall face Him and bravely attempt to halt His expression of My Wrath. (4.2) Yet they shall not succeed, and their Death shall be brutal and their Downfall swift.
And the Lord proclaimeth: (5.1) In this Time of Distruction and Turmoil, those caught unawares shall fall with frightening Speed. Especially those still in Bed past Teatime.
And the Lord proclaimeth: (6.1) Those who put their Trust in false Idols and security Doors shall find themselves swiftly smitten and their Lives forfeit. (6.2) For they shall return to their safe Havens and receive the Multitude of Bolts my chosen One can hurl out directly in their Faces.
Enraged from earlier torments, with my targets in plain veiw, i decide to march straight up to them and unload into them untill nothing but mush remains. The proceedings start well, with a single shot sending Judas to hell. My gun then turns on Julian, and fires, but she is allready unloading back at me, and as both bodies hit the floor, everything goes black.
Battle Royale!
Simeon and Philip were at this point quite far away, waiting at Rev's room while I chased I <3 Raccoons and Stevo Spaghetto to the Burrell's bridge.
Well, I was sort of shooting someone else when this happened, but it was all sort of one big fighty sort of thing. Timmy was off double-killing with some dude, and I was just heading to assist George, although he dispatched An Abstract Concept That Feeds Off Potential Energy and I think you underestimate the sneaky sneaky before I arrived.
I saw I think you underestimate the sneaky sneaky, so I killed him. He was very sportsmanlike.
You were devoutly aligned. You could safely pray. You were unlucky. You are dead. I was, or at least I think I was, sneaking up on the Duke, then Konrad spots me (a randomer with a gun running through the outskirts of burrell's) and shoots me... there was momentary discussion over whether it was a double kill or not... but concluded that he fired first and almost surely did not miss me. (I should point out that Konrad did not know the Duke was there and I guess that means the Duke ran away from me and my obscene dangerousness...ness) My kitten was not killed, good old slasher!
You know, there has been an Inigo Montoya in every Mayweek I have ever played. Which is a few. You should get a more original pseudo. I propose you use something along the lines of "Simeon Bird is the best thing ever (although not as handsome as you, Mr. Umpire).".
Sooo..... I hear there are a bunch of assassins come to visit Newnham, whereby visit Newnham I mean stand outside my door and in my kitchen. Profit - or so it seems. Equipped with my trusty Stormforce 2, I leave the room and indulge in some mild massacring, except I forgot that I am lame, and so only succeed in shooting J Doe and getting my arm shot off by Matt Taylor. Some lurking later, and a brief tour of the building, they were gone. Steve sat in my room lolling, because he is even lamer than me and was dead.
Lauren went to Lupie's party. SheilaMaf went to Lupie's party. Mild carnage ensued. George killed Lauren, Anne watched from a distance, Moshe Satnav ran away; Timmy was walking by and decided to join in.
And the Lord proclaimeth: (7.1) It shall come to pass that the female House of my Lord shall be invaded by those Males who wish to sully it (7.2) and on such an Occasion, My Envoy shall seek to strike such a One down from behind, and sever his Soul from his Body for eternity (7.3) so that such a One shall wither in the Bowels of Gehenna for his Slothfulness and Lust.
And the Lord proclaimeth: (8.1) In this same Time of Faithlessness, another such One shall invade the hallowed Realm of the Ladies of the Lord (8.2) And My Servant shall seek him out and with Stealth and Speed smite him.
And the Lord proclaimeth: (6a) And there shall come to pass a Time when Fornicators and those from the Eirish Kingdom shall be dealt a warning Blow. Should they continue to renounce the Lord they shall perish.
Well, some people were stuck outside Peterhouse, and George was off under Jenny's window talking to David Smith, so I went to the JCR by myself, and saw Charlotte [illegible], who I promptly shot.
random stranger No. 1: Are you not going to join the battle?
Charlotte [illegible]: What?
random stranger No. 2: Lauren and Moshe Satnav just went outside to shoot people. There are a load of assassins by the p'lodge.
Charlotte [illegible]: Nah, can't be bothered. I'll wait until Doctor Who has finished.
[phone rings]
Charlotte [illegible]: Hello?
Moshe Satnav: Most of SheilaMaf is either in Gisborne Court or heading for the JCR. Just thought you might want to know.
Charlotte [illegible]: Ok, thanks. [begins to get RBG ready]
the ghost of Charlotte [illegible]: Oh.
"There have been some rotten dealings around here, Anne." exclaimed George.
"Is it true?" gasped Anne at Timmy
"Anne, it's me, Timmy" said Timmy, manicly.
"Stand still!" cried Anne desperately, "Have you betrayed us? Have you betrayed me?!"
Gosh, that was dashed unsportsmanlike! How rotten. That horrid, horrid doggy, Timmy was so naughty! He turned on his mistress and I, and had be put down by Dick, as he was a menace to society.
Jo, Dick and J Doe then went off for lashings of ginger beer.
Hab SoSlI' Quch!
We do not hear the words of larpers!
Death to the traitor!
Timmy was naughty and started growling at George and Anne, somewhat uncharacteristically. Perhaps he did not like their scent. Dick, dismayed by this rude behaviour from his furry friend was obliged to put the dog outside where darling Timmy died from pneumonia after experiencing extreme wetness. What fun and games the children had that night. Jo, Dick and Uncle Quentin Tarantino went to have cocoa, not ginger beer as George thought.
Rule the five with you? I'd be dead within three days
Much confusion occurred, including most of us attempting to kill each other when we were either actually dead, or mistakenly believing to be dead. The Umpire in both of their infinite wisdom has decreed that no official deaths have resulted from this severely drunken mayhem. I hope Jen does not have too bad a headache in the morning.
With foes like these, who needs allies?
I won.
Profit. Mwaha. Science. She was asleep, so my elite knowledge of the Navier-Stokes equations was not required.
What a bad dog.
Richard Duncan was carrying a water weapon, and I thought he might be connected with the Jesus Mafia. So I shot him. He turned out to be a CICCUite, so I was almost right.
So, there was a Garden Party. I figured it wouldn't be a PetMaf massacre again, because there is no PetMaf this year. Then Jen turned up and I remembered we had not arranged a no-kill. Cue wary glances and walking subtly in the opposite direction with hands on weapons. Unfortunately, holding someone else's plate of food while they find weapons as well as one's drink means one has no hands left with which to draw weapons, so Lauren died. Dave, Jen and Rich then had a minor fight, amusing lots of Petreans, before Jen hit Dave's bag, killing him. Suddenly Tom leapt out from behind a tree! He had forgotten that it was a no water event, so soaked Jen. Jen then shot him with an RBG. A bit later, Jake turned up and shot Jen and Rich, as well as mutilating Tom's corpse. Alex Atkins ran away somewhere.
Well, it was raining, and we were chatting, and I saw Jake, but I was dead, so I didn't say anything to Jen, and then she died.
Well, it was a bit of a laugh anyway, but I got shot in the head.
Ah, the old "It's open, come on in" approach.
Head Shot!
Well, I saw new and interesting parts of Clare College today.
Nosferatu caught unawares by Dick, the amazing gun waving 'amnesty representative'.
SheilaMaf having claimed that I was the best-protected person in Cambridge, I died to a stab-wound from Steven Cairns sneaking up behind me. Philip then killed him.
Dr Qui hurtled around the corner of the dome. He could sense trouble, and his Time Lord instincts warned him the situation was perilous. He searched desperately for a way to defend himself from the approaching foe; then it appeared. Bulky, pepper-pot shaped and all too familiar. The dalek looked his way and started its approach, firing a few shots which Dr Qui hopped out of the way of. It seemed a desperate situation, and he was at his wits ends as to what to do. Finally, he caught sight of a heating tube on the wall, and slashed it open with his Sonic Screwdriver. It tore itself open, erupting with a cloud of steam and fumes straight at the dalek. It shut itself down, its systems critically damaged. However, it would repair and reboot given enough time. Dr Qui left nothing to chance and retreated swiftly.
I nommed in the morning when the world was young
I ate the moon and the stars and the sun
I came out of Newnham and I nommed the earth
and handsomely grew my girth
Nom, nom, wherever you may be
I am the lord of the pies, said he
And I'll eat you all, wherever you may be
I mistook you all for a pie, said he
I was accompanying my lovely girlfriend and some of her newnhamite friends to Trinity Ball when I spotted in the distance none other than Philip "needs 24/7 bodyguarding" Bielby. I was then charged by Simeon "probably the best beard in Cambridge" Bird, but ran away successfully. I then enlisted help from the passing Mr Corteen, and together we hatched a fearsome plan to dispose of them. Simeon wasn't having anything to do with it initially, but then came after me and I had to retreat again. Jake hid behind a tarpaulin while I drew Simeon past him, then shot him as we passed. Worked like a charm, except that sadly, Phil "puts Ric Brackenbury to shame" Bielby had escaped by this point (hence why Simeon was prepared to abandon his post). I then went and massacred a load of Trinitarians.
During my sweep of the Wolfson building I encountered Michael, who was waiting for a lift, and bang-killed him.
Leif was coming out of his room, so I shot him.
So I was leaning on a lamp-post at the corner of the street when a certain little Jesuan came by, accompanied by the rather formidable Dr. A. Since I was, once again, outgunned (where have all these guns come from?) I ran into the Union grounds where I thought I could hold him off. I lobbed several knives in his direction, but after a continued bombardment I decided my position was untenable and ran through the back where I was able to escape and run back round to the front. Josh was still searching the grounds, so I borrowed Simeon's CPS and went after him, now more confident that I could match him. Things were slightly complicated by Jake turning up, also with a CPS, and shooting at me, but I pointed out the rampaging Josh coming from his right and he turned to confront him instead. I then shot him in the back. I then engaged Josh at range with the CPS, which proved a successful strategy until I over-pumped it and it jammed. Wildly unpredictable nerf darts claimed both my arms, and I was reduced to the expedient of running back to where I'd left my knife stash and grabbing one with my mouth. Sadly I was then shot and killed before I could use it.
Vengeful Spirit of the Angel Gabriel, assisted by veteran non-player The Bjornicider General: Supreme Commander of Team Jennycide, went on a mission to warn Charlotte [illegible] of her imminent doom. Charlotte [illegible], however, was not willing to take the advice, which was being delivered from a great height by a large water emitter, and put her faith in solid brick instead.
At this point Moshe Satnav, having heard that اÙاØداث اÙÙ
عÙد٠تØد, showed up to see what the fuss was all about, but similarly took a dislike to the harbinger's style. The four of them prowled around each other for some time before dispersing.
No Jennifers were harmed in the course of this event.
Well, I escaped Han-Ley Tang by getting my gun confiscated by a porter, and him hiding so his was not also (I assume).
Michael Donaghy was less easy. He emptied his wildfire into my right arm and leg as I left Trinity, but I managed to hold him off, and hop back home without him killing me :)
(Plz to be not waking me up any time soon, kthxbai)
W Szczebrzeszczynie chrząszcz brzmi w trzcinie i Szczebrzeszyn z tego słynie.
Sleep-deprivation = Not Good.
I was out in the midday sun when I saw a mad dog cavorting down the street towards me. For the good of society, I shot him.
Where are your children now?
Who's that in the bin? Is it Maz? NO! It's Jake!
Well. I step out of my room for the first time today, and I get shot. How terribly rude. I got him too though, so I guess that is something :P
The bad news. In Outer Space, there are no bananas.
The good news. In Peterhouse, there is a dead Beard.
Luckily we are not in Outer Space.
Philip "Crack Shot" Bielby scored a hit on my right arm through my first-floor window and across my room; I was most impressed. Sadly it seemed he and Captain Simian didn't want to hang around long enough for me to prepare my weapon one-handed; they were gone by the time I got out to see them.
So. Some science may have occurred.
Basically, the following events occurred:
The Umpire would just like to 'thank' all those 'Assassins' who came and made his 'birthday' very 'special'. He would also like to express his pleasure at the 'enthusiasm' of the 'new' Trin'maf', and that whilst we cannot award any bonus points for shooting both halves of the Umpire (twice), we feel that the rest of Cambridge should be Fearful.
So, with only 29 hours to go, things are very tight at the top.
1st - Jacob Samuel Corteen
2nd - Joshua Guy Blanchard Lewis
3rd - Tom Booth
4th - Philip Bielby
5th - Michael Donaghy
6th - Simeon Bird
It's incredibly close at the top, with bonus points and innocent penalties deciding who's in front. A lot of these people are doing well thanks to unaccomplied kills - which is helping, especially those who have died a bit more than everyone else. Clearly, any of these guys could still win, so watch out for them! They might want to try killing each other, or some other high ranking players. If you're not near the top, then there's still something to play for - if almost anyone managed to kill one of the leaders, they'd shoot up the table. Plus you don't want to get the Kenny award for the most deaths, now do you?
29 hours to go, anything can happen (give or take), so go and do stuff!
The Umpire
12:07 <@Deuce> I am in Lottie's room
12:10 <@Deuce> we were planning on getting buttery lunch with newnhamites I think
(I shot him, by the way)
I nommed on a Wednesday when the cakes turned black
It's hard to nom with a beard on your back
They buried my body, they thought I was gone
But I am the nom, and the pies go on
Nom, nom, wherever you may be
I am the lord of the pies, said he
And I'll eat you all, wherever you may be
I mistook you all for a pie, said he
Dick and Jo, the husband and wife team, find the landyman sitting on a bench and shoot him. Simple.
Well, I shot him in the chest this time, rather than the arm :P
It has come to my notice that one Jeremy Sharples has yet to interact. He was one of my initial targets last game (I can exclusively reveal), which means I have been lurking his room on and off for the last six months, and have seen him exactly once.
I therefore post a bounty of some strawberries upon his head. The amount of strawberries is dependent on the style with which he is dispatched.
The Umpire wonders if he can achieve delicious strawberries should he shoot Mr. Sharples with a RUBBER BAND GUN. :d
(Oh, look out!)
He came in through the bathroom window
Protected by a fossil bloom
But now he licks his wounds and wanders
By the doors of his old room
Didn't anybody tell him?
Didn't anybody see?
Steven's on the phone to Colin,
Philip's on the phone to me
I said I'd always been Tom Baker
With a Time Machine a day
And though he thought I was a faker
Well he knew what he could not say.
And so he quit his easy living
And got himself a steady job
And though he tried his best to kill me
He could steal but he could not rob
Didn't anybody tell him?
Didn't anybody see?
Steven's on the phone to Colin,
Philip's on the phone to me
Oh yeah.
She must be half woman, half black hole!
Conceivably I underestimated the sneaky sneaky
Well, how scientific.
Dear Duke,
Where are you?
Your most humble and obedient servant,
Philip
18:13 Jenny: You know, Philip is probably going to turn up here fairly soon and shoot us, given that he knows we couldn't possibly miss The Simpsons or The Crystal Maze or Gladiators. Do you have a gun handy?
18:13 Dave: Nah, not gonna happen. Your RBG is somewhere at the bottom of my bag on the far side of the room.
18:14 Phil Adsley: Look out!
18:14 Phil Bielby: Bang!
18:15 Jenny: I told you so.
18:16 Dave: Erm. Yeah.
He didn't have an accomplice this time, though.
And the Lord proclaimeth:
There will come a Time when my Envoy shall adopt the Guise of the Evil One, and inflict utter Destruction on my Foes. At this Time none shall be safe, and even in their Sanctuaries the Meek shall tremble. It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End.
Fuck you, Vengeful Spirit of the Angel Gabriel. Fuck you.
I hereby announce this bounty:
I pledge to generously furnish with chocolate or alcohol anyone who kills
either:
a) Philip Bielby, anywhere
or
b) any assassin found lurking me.
With a little help from Ian Abel, who let me into Trinity Hall.
Your powers are weak, old man.
Somewhat earlier, by telephone...
Simeon Bird: Wake up! Come out and fight! I'm outside your door, and the bell isn't working!
Michael Donaghy: Dude, no. I'm outside your house.
Simeon Bird: Mickey! Tarrant doesn't understand! I'm waiting for you!
Michael Donaghy: It is a great pity that you and I have always been on opposite sides of Cambridge.
Some running around and searching later, we run into each other, and he shoots me. My corpse then duels for him with lunch as a prize. I win.
Well played.
I went to Ascot today, and saw many finely dressed ladies, and some gentlemen in morning suits. They were all wearing hats.
Yes, it is a fine game of chess.
Are you sure you wouldn't like a nice game of global thermonuclear war?
Indeed.
Yes, that's it. Mayweek 2007 has finished. The winner was Joshua Guy Blanchard Lewis, of Jesus College, and more details will follow once The Umpire has had a chance to feel better.
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