Cloak & Dagger The Assassins' Guild - Week 1 News

Monday, 12 November

[08:30 AM] Professor Klunk teaches Ryan Hamlet (Wannabe Tramp) a thing or two
Professor Klunk reports:

The Professor is watching you.

[09:55 AM] Frog has James Brister (James Brister) put down
James Brister reports:

That was fast, although I doubt I'm the first. At 9.55 this morning Frog stabbed me in the back.

[11:05 AM] RC Assassin (The Dark Crusader) also takes a lesson from Professor Klunk
Professor Klunk reports:

You too.

The Dark Crusader reports:

Professor Klunk shot me around 10am at the New Museum Site.

[12:00 PM] The Dormouse gets overexcited
The Dormouse reports:

I espied David Williams, the only english student to have lectures in the New Museums Site. How keen he is for an ARTS student; I think not. He had his hand suspicously in his coat and was looking around nervously. So I bang-killed him only to find that infact, he had been changing tracks on a small music-storing device and wasn't playing.

[13:15 PM] Alcibiades serves Dominic Thompson (Dominic Thompson) his last meal
Alcibiades reports:

I'd like to report a kill. I killed Dominic Thompson in the queue for lunch at 1315 with a dagger shaped piece of cardboard marked dagger.

Dominic Thompson reports:

Dear Umpire, I was killed today by Alcibiades, with a cardboard knife.

[13:15 PM] Dr Acula feasts on Jack Leigh (Pedro Sanchez)
Pedro Sanchez reports:

I have been killed by Amir Hajizamani with an elastic band fired by hand

[13:30 PM] Shenanigans occur
Pretty Hate Machine reports:

At least 2 assassins are in my staircase clearly brandishing weapons. One tried to enter my room but, as I have some sense; it is locked. Fools.

3.14 + 2veg = yum reports:

Report: 3.14 + kife = profit ... 3.14 + no kife = sad (and hungry)

Disclaimer reports:

Two guys were seen to be conferring outside my window - my associates fed me intelligence that they had attempted to get into their rooms. Immediately, I locked all doors and windows, and a few minutes later heard an attempted thud on the door. Prior to this, I texted Pretty Hate Machine to come outside my room and attack the presumably waiting assassins. This she did, and the non-bearded one was bang-killed.

(Umpire's note: no he wasn't)

[15:55 PM] Oli Stratford (Groucho) is surprised by a wild Frog
Frog reports:

I killed Oli Stratford on Trinity Street with a cardboard knife.

[15:55 PM] Magnum PI mows down Colm Flanagan (Alcibiades)
Magnum PI reports:

I killed Colm Flanagan (on Trumpington Street) in a cycle-by squirting at about 5 to 4.

[16:00 PM] Magnum PI squishes Howard Dale (Frog)
Frog reports:

I was then killed by Magnum PI on Trinity street using a cycle-by waterpistol. About 4 o'clock.

[16:10 PM] Joshua Guy 'Duke' Blanchard Lewis sings a song for Luke Bennett and William (Twillo) Brooks
Joshua Guy 'Duke' Blanchard Lewis reports:

The Ballad of Brave Sir Twillo

Bravely bold Sir Twillo rode forth from Blue Boar Court.
He was not afraid to die, O brave Sir Twillo!
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways,
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Twillo!

He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp,
Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken;
To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away;
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Twillo!

Brave Sir Twillo ran away.
Bravely ran away, away!
When danger reared its ugly head,
He bravely turned his tail and fled.
Yes, brave Sir Twillo turned about
And gallantly he chickened out.
Bravely taking to his feet
He beat a very brave retreat,
Bravest of the brave, Sir Twillo!

[17:15 PM] Fluffy slays Amir Hajizamani (Dr Acula)
Fluffy reports:

Assassins Triad Report for Fluffy - Day 1

Confirming the death of Amir Hajizamani.

We set out at about 5.15 to St.Johns as a triad. Once we arrived at the college we proceded quietly to the rooms of our victim (Amir Hajizamani), well two of us proceeded quietly, one clicked there in high heels! Upon arrival we quickly ascertained that the target was not in by the simple method of knocking on the door and asking, feeling dejected we started to walk home when the target walked past us. Stealthily (this time from all three as team member three had taken off their high heels) we returned to the targets room to find it open with no sign of him and loitered with one eye on the room. When he returned I walked into his open room and shot him point blank in the chest. The three of us then beat a hasty retreat out of the college for a victory dinner in hall.

[18:15 PM] The Recalcitrant Frog surprises John Barrett (Spiderjesus)
The Recalcitrant Frog reports:

John Barrett forgot to look both ways before crossing the lily pond. This was silly, and he got most severely hopped on.

[18:45 PM] The Dormouse broke the heart of Emilie [Emmy] Yerby (JV)
The Dormouse reports:

I got rid of Emilie Yerby. A rubber band to the heart. Quick and painless.

[19:00 PM] Luke Bennett (I'm not a minion, I'm a man - oh wait I'm...) gives 3.14 + 2veg = yum and The Recalcitrant Frog the runaround, but eventually succumbs.
I'm not a minion, I'm a man - oh wait I'm... reports:

  • 1900: walking back from the library I saw something just beyond the end of library court. I dumped my work in my room, and proceeded to the area (taking the back route). Nothing seemed up, so I carried on round, at which point I saw 3.14 + 2veg = yum, who started talking to me (although I could not hear much). After a short time, a firefight started with WWC weapons (hornet vs ?WD4000), although nobody got very far, before The Recalcitrant Frog appeared. At this point, I unleashed a bouncy grenade, which unfortunately hit neither of them. I then began slowly backing a way, breaking this with intermittent firing. I unleashed another bouncy grenade, which also failed to find a target, whilst 3.14 + 2veg = yum also missed with his (although he kept pretending to throw others). I refilled, and then circled round, at which point I met 3.14 + 2veg = yum again, at which point another WWC firefight took place, without a blow hitting the target.
  • 1945: Decided to make my way make to library court and look for The Recalcitrant Frog, hoping she would be on her own. Upon arriving though, it was only 3.14 + 2veg = yum around. Another water fight erupted, and this time I was trapped in a nasty area, and my left arm was hit. I ran towards the car park, and battled for a few minutes, and then The Recalcitrant Frog arrived as my water ran out. I ran into the bushes, before making my way out later.
  • 2030: I waited a bit before heading towards my staircase, entering my kitchen from the back. Unfortunately, The Recalcitrant Frog was placed between the two, and called to 3.14 + 2veg = yum. I ran into the adjoining trunk room, when 3.14 + 2veg = yum opened the door. His first opening was unsubtle, and my shot got part of his hair slightly damp (as he said afterwards). This alerted him to the danger, and he was more careful from then on. He threw a bouncy ball, although that only achieved providing me with an extra weapon. Firing round the sides of door(way)s continued, before I was shot in the right arm, immobilizing it. I switched weapon arm, but then my other arm was immobilized leaving me helpless. I tried to get with the bouncy ball my kicking it into a wall, but it failed to hit him. I was then treated to the raking of water. My body was later found riddled with bullets.

3.14 + 2veg = yum reports:

Raccoon 3.14? Yum :) Hunger = abated.

[19:35 PM] In which The man with a very big stick, Golden Worm, queen, The Mad Hatter, The Cheshire Cat and Fluffy all fail to kill one another
The man with a very big stick reports:

My triad met up to start our assassinating by visiting warkworth terrace.

We scouted the area out a little and tried to be subtle to those on the inside but not those passing by. As we were gonna leave one person started acting suspicious and walking back and forth on the other side of the road but since we weren't 100% sure he was an assassin we decided to leave him be and just keep an eye on him as we left the area. He walked across the road and started chatting to someone else who was acting equally suspicious and started following us across parkers piece we split up and eventually (by making him follow one of us at a time) all 3 of us flanked him and started following him.

He was on his phone so assumed he had friends coming, his other mate (Fluffy) had disappeared at this point as we decided to leave him as he hadn't drawn a weapon yet and we didn't recognise him other then being slightly suspicious, not enough to just kill him.

Our colleague queen went in one direction randomly at which point our suspect started chasing so we chased after. queen got away and Golden Worm had to run in a different direction as his friend (The Mad Hatter) had appeared and started chasing. Since it was me and our good clingy suspect (The Cheshire Cat) I drew my gun and ran towards him only for him to pull out a huge super soaker he had in his bag. So I decided to run as well. I caught up with Golden Worm who then ran down an alley which was a deadend where he hid while I kept running. The persuer was joined by a girl our other target at the house we assumed and since Golden Worm could see them he called me telling me what they were doing so I knew what to do.

I flanked back round and went into the back carpark of the sport centre and climbed the wall untill I was on the roof above Luke at which point I walked along and noticed they had left so we went to Emmanuel to deal with other assassins while queen went back to his room.

Fluffy reports:

As I reached the front door it became apparent that there was a group staking the house out so I walked right past them and round the corner to wait. As I considered what to do the three people started to walk around the corner towards me so I crossed the road, walked past them and on towards the house. However as I approached the house the three came back around the corner and started walking towards me meaning that I had to continue past the house yet again and walk to the end of the street where I met another assassin, I suggested a truce to take the three out but he pulled out a much higher firepower weapon than I had so I left him to it when he chased the others away.

[20:00 PM] The man with a very big stick, Golden Worm and queen do the Emmanuel circuit
The man with a very big stick reports:

We visited a few rooms that were empty Laura Parker, Tomas (Tom) Rodriguez Perez, Simon Abernethy, Vicky Nwosu-Hope, Scott Wildgoose. We also knocked on Prashin (Prash) Jethwa's door at which point he yelled come in I walked in to see him another guy and two girls. I shot him with my elastic band gun (I know it was him I shot he matched his picture. And im 99% sure I hit him as my guns extremely acurate upto 3/4 metres and I was 2 metres away.) He started yelling no as well so unless he was pretending to be hit and thus pretending to be dead he's dead. At Laura Parker's door a civilian saw us but didn't see our weapons but guessed we were assassins instantly as well which didn't help. Another target Pete Dyson opened the door I shot at him as he then closed the door but my gun didn't fire so he got a lucky escape. After that we left the corridor to see two people one I believe was Tomas Perez who saw us and guessed we were assassins (they must have been informed) and so said come on then and ran away we pretended to give chase then turned the other direction to get out of the college before we were taken out now our cover was blown.

Umpire's note: Prashin was holding a meeting of the Hindu Society at the time, so survived his encounter with the elastic bands.

[20:04 PM] The Mad Hatter tells Martin Bailey (Northern Boys Love Gravy) the killing joke
The Mad Hatter reports:

Pat: You say your wife's in the ballet?
Mike: Aye, the Russian ballet.
Pat: Why do they call it that?
Mike: Why, because they go Rushing in, and shoot!

[20:20 PM] The Cheshire Cat smiles on Andy London (Lord Roobob)
The Mad Hatter reports:

When we shot Andy London, he was on the telephone. I postulate his conversation may have sounded like:

London calling to the faraway friend!
Then war was declared - and battle come down!
London calling to the underworld!
Come out of the cupboard, my triad of killers!
London calling, now don't look to us
Andy London has bitten the dust
London calling, see we shot him again
Long last the reign of the Triad of Kings!
The triad is coming, the sun's zooming in
Meltdown expected, the targets grow thin
Cowards start running, but I have no fear
Cause London is drowning and we've killed them all!

[20:44 PM] James Polyblank hunts The Recalcitrant Frog, but kills something else instead
The Recalcitrant Frog reports:

I was finally about to go back to my nice warm room when i heard someone call my name. my neighbour who was in the kitchen with me at the time went to investigate and was apparently shot by someone calling himself James of Caius (Mr Polyblank i presume) who had mistaken her for me. this was very naughty of him as she isn't a player and was quite confused by the incident. he also rudely didn't hang around to be killed but scurried off home.

[21:20 PM] The Mad Hatter and The Cheshire Cat do the Emmanuel circuit, bagging Pete Dyson (Destructive Dys), Tomas (Tom) Rodriguez Perez (Entreline), and Simon Abernethy (Horatio T Loins)
The Mad Hatter reports:

The Killing of Pete Dyson:

Pete Dyson came through someone else's room and attempted to bang-kill my ally with a realistic looking weapon from three metres away. So I shot him.

The Killing of Tomas (Tom) Rodriguez Perez:

We were then attacked by Tom Perez and an unknown accomplice. Tom Perez was shot by both myself and my ally (three hits in total that I counted), but then ran away before we could agree this. My ally chased him across the blood-streaked courts of Emmanuel, while I followed the accomplice, who hid in the top of J staircase for some time, until his backup arrived, being Tom Perez again and a second accomplice. They ran off, Tom hiding behind a corner at one point and throwing a soft toy at me. He missed. I shot him again. They ran into Simon Abernathy's staircase, where Simon hid in the gyp room and locked the door, and Tom hid inside the room of a lawyer who apparently has a secret desire to become an arms dealer. There the dust settled for a few minutes, until the lawyer wanted to get back into her room, at which point Simon attempted to jump us and Tom went out the window. Tom has therefore been shot four times, but we have had no time to agree to this. We also saw Nev Ball and some Girtonians, who were regrettably not playing this time.

The Killing of Simon Abernethy:

I, the Mad Hatter, wish to compliment Mr. Abernathy upon his very excellent hat. It is of a type I myself have never worn, being round, green and last in vogue during the mud and chaos of the Somme. It was in vogue again during the dark and chaos of Emma last night. With this stupendous headgear to catalyse his innate cunning, he attempted not one but two ruses, finally waving to a non-existent ally to distract us. Unfortunately for him, one of us was much further out than he thought. And then Simon was not waving but drowning.

Horatio T Loins reports:

Having raced to the aid of a fellow assassin in need with a compadre of mine Horatio T Loins was in high spirits. This was before the bush in front of him suddenly revealed two dastardly figures. Losing his courage H.T.L decided running away was the best option and ended up cowering in his gyp room. However recovering his WW2 steel helmet as well as some honour and dignity he lunged forth bravely to take on his two foes but unfortunately so many shots were fired a duel had to arranged due to the incomprehension of both parties as to who was dead. H.T.L was sadly shot in the face during the duel and died a glorious if not messy death. May his spirit live on.

Simon Abernethy AKA Horatio T Loins (deceased)

[21:40 PM] The Crow and Dzeytoun bring excitement to the Union, but 3.14 + 2veg = yum escapes by the skin of his reflective jacket

[22:00 PM] Magnum PI mutilated Martin Bailey's corpse

[22:10 PM] 3.14 + 2veg = yum scares Ludmila (Ludi) Demtchenko (The Crow) into the waiting clutches of Professor Klunk, while Dzeytoun runs away
The Crow reports:

About 10.05: The three of us set off home to Warkworth Terrace, just off Parker's Piece. As we neared Parker's Piece our friend offered to go on ahead to check no-one was waiting. I then noticed the 3.14 + 2veg = yum walking just behind Dzeytoun and I, along the other side of the road. I crossed the road to the corner (the bus station corner) as Dzeytoun went on ahead. Standing behind a large grey (electricity?) box, I watched him approach and told him to 'bring it on', blanching somewhat when he pulled out a water gun and ran at me.

(Remember at this point that I was armed only with a rubber band gun)

I then realised that on my left was another man running at me, also with a water gun. I fired two shots at him and missed, and was shot with water on the face and chest. (He later introduced himself as 'Professor Klunk' - a charming man.)

Surrendering, I shouted 'Dzeytoun! Run!', which he did, and was able to reach safety.

Professor Klunk reports:

The Professor does not sleep, he need not eat, and he will stop for nothing. Fear him.

[22:35 PM] Alice Jacobs collapses the wave function of Liam Mencel (The Mencellator)

Liam Mencel's vital status was for a while indeterminate, his would-be killer being dead at the time, without either of them knowing this. Sadly, Liam was apparently not aware of his ressurrection before Alice Jacobs annulled it. Apologies for any confusion the above sentence and/or the events which inspired it may have caused.

The Mencellator reports:

On Monday, as I queued up for dinner, Howard Dale and his triad exited the dinner hall, looking me in the eye as he did so. Instead of pulling out my trusty tin-opener of Doom, I applied Jurassic Park tactics and stood very still in the hope that they would lose interest and walk off. It didn't work, and after a short while they returned and I was stabbed several times by a dagger.

Later that day, as my undead corpse was spending the evening playing with a Rubik's cube, I heard a rapping upon my chamber door. "Hello?" "Hello." "Who is it?" "It's Hannah." "Hannah?" "Yes, Hannah" It couldn't have been more obvious, but I decided to let her have her moment, so I opened the door and allowed her to shoot my corpse with some sort of umbrella.

Oh, but now I find I was alive all along? Boy, is my face red. Things I have learnt for next time: If someone casually holds a gun and asks me if I'm an Assassin, don't be honest and say "Yes". If a guy with a long sword knocks on my door, don't be gullible and open it. Standing still works for raptors, but most Assassin's are too smart for that old trick. Don't be generous and let people abuse my corpse.

- The Mencellator

Tuesday, 13 November

[09:55 AM] The Mad Hatter finds Jenny Molloy (Amanita Arbury)
The Mad Hatter reports:

H20: Quant. Suf.

[10:02 AM] Alvin takes the opportunity to dispatch Jayaveni (Jaya) Chedumbarum Pillay (The Dormouse)
The Mad Hatter reports:

Have you betrayed us? Have you betrayed me!?

Michael Donaghy reports:

Today at 10:02 AM I met Jayaveni Chedumbarum Pillay, and shot her. I then saw Simeon Bird, thankfully some distance behind her; I ran away from him, rushed around the other side of the new museums site, met him halfway doing the same thing as I was, and ran away again. Then, gun in hand, I saw Lawrence Watson cycling away with his back to me.

Well, you would, wouldn't you

The Dormouse reports:

Death by drowning. How sad, never mind. I'LL BE BACK.

[10:03 AM] 3.14 + 2veg = yum gets his revenge on Lorna Ayton (Pretty Hate Machine)
3.14 + 2veg = yum reports:

the 3.14d piper plays, and his victims follow. Yum.

[11:04 AM] Simeon Bird get his vengeance on Michael Donaghy (Alvin)
The Mad Hatter reports:

Jacques de Molay, thou art avenged!

Alvin reports:

Twillo doesn't understand, I was waiting for YOU!

[16:15 PM] 3.14 + 2veg = yum tracks down Amy Booth (Alice Jacobs), but takes an innocent too
3.14 + 2veg = yum reports:

sin function... -10... damn

trip to 3.14kea for lamps, anyone?

[17:43 PM] 3.14 + 2veg = yum makes a tasty meal of Yuan Cao Zhang (Disclaimer)
3.14 + 2veg = yum reports:

it was not 3.14 he was cooking... but it tasted very nice anyway.

Disclaimer reports:

Disclaimer lies bleeding on the kitchen, his body broken by a single shot that ripped through his chest. In the distance, he can hear the footsteps of The Duke blending into the darkness, melting into the shadows, with absolutely no regard for the mexican chilli on the hob. Disclaimer closes his eyes, reaching out for the Great Spaghetti Monster that awaited him in the afterlife.

[19:25 PM] Vinnie the Psychopath plays it safe
Vinnie the Psychopath reports:

at 7:25 someone knocked on my door. Smelling a rat (and also because I'm a paranoid psychopath) I did not answer. They knocked again and a sexy voice that mafiosi usually have called my name, but again I remained silent. Later it turned out that I'm paranoid for a good reason - my housemates told me that around that time a guy wearing a long, black coat and sunglasses broke into the house threatening everyone to gun them down with his Kalashnikov "if they don't cooperate".

[20:45 PM] Fluffy stabbed The Cheshire Cat in an out of bounds area

[22:00 PM] Vinnie the Psychopath stalked Christina (Chris) Woodger
Vinnie the Psychopath reports:

I spent half an hour watching Christina Woodger, who turned out to be an innocent, rosy-cheeked girl, completely unaware of the vile death I'm preparing for her. Even though my bazooka was at hand, she was surrounded by too many non-players.

[22:20 PM] Professor Klunk strikes again, and Elaine Oliver (Napoleon Dynamite) dies
Professor Klunk reports:

Who let the Professor into a girls' college? Security these days is clearly far too lax.

[22:25 PM] The Mad Hatter conquers Laura Parker (La Conquistadora)
The Mad Hatter reports:

Pat: Who was that lady I saw you with the other night?
Mike: That was no lady, that was my target!

Wednesday, 14 November

[12:45 PM] Professor Klunk takes down Simeon Bird (The Mad Hatter) (and an innocent)
The Mad Hatter reports:

Pat: What's the secret to being a great assassin?
Mike: Be 'ard.

[13:12 PM] The man with a very big stick thwaps Callum Rhodes (SDG)
SDG reports:

While in lectures I noticed some one with what looked like a gun in their bag, So I asked my fried to ask him if he was an assassin (had to make sure). He replied to my friend why do you want to know. So of course my friend said I'm not the one who's interested he is, pointing to me! Doh, a miss calculation on my part! When the lecture ended I was careful look behind myself every so often to make sure he was not following me (and anyone else form that same lecture) but as I approached Emma I lost vigilance and was stabbed in the back.

Bye cruel world
Callum the SDG

[14:00 PM] Professor Klunk and 3.14 + 2veg = yum conspire to bring down Steven Shenton (The Cheshire Cat)
3.14 + 2veg = yum reports:

Is it Billie 3.14er? No, it's Steven...

[16:25 PM] Lucas Perez Trujillo (Revolta) suffers from too much 3.14 + 2veg = yum
3.14 + 2veg = yum reports:

Mmmm...3.14 . I like 3.14 . Do you?

[17:46 PM] Fluffy delivers the mail to Dr Dash and co.
Fluffy reports:

I armed myself to the teeth and gingerly looked out the door while I waited for some friends to walk with. While waiting I almost shot an innocent as they walked into the house, luckily I didn't as that would have involved me being beaten about the head with an oar by an angry rower. We walked into college without incident (me humming the postman pat theme) where I deposited my letters of doom. Mwhahahahahahaha

Dr Dash reports:

Poison letters sent by Fluffy to Final Fling. All were opened safely and promptly destroyed.

[17:50 PM] Simon Woolf (Dzeytoun) dies under the iron heel of Professor Klunk
Dzeytoun reports:

News of my death has been, sadly, not at all exaggerated. Returning to my room to pick up a set of poisoned letters to pigeonhole at around a quarter to six this evening, I came across a suspicious, brown-bearded character loitering in the street outside the door. After staring at each other for a few seconds, I put valour before discretion and pulled out an RBG. He responded by pulling out a watergun, and proceeded to pwn me with it.

Professor Klunk reports:

Welcome to the world of the Professor. In this world, people die. In fact, Simeon Bird dies, shot in the face when his superpowers were denied him due to his not wearing a hat. Steven shenton dies, surprised and a hole blown in his chest. Simon Woolf dies, despite bravely shooting back.

Many people die, and the Professor is happy with his world.

[18:00 PM] queen cowers
queen reports:

queen fears his life after multiple (?) attempts by unknown people to push his door open. Each time, he was thinking of suddenly whipping his door open and lunging out to kill the possible intruder, but as he stood by the door, knife in hand, he heard whispering amongst several people. Not being confident of overpowering unknown numbers of assailants, queen cowardly hides in his room while awaiting further reinforcements.

[19:00 PM] queen sniffs the post
queen reports:

queen is rather unimpressed by the strange strawberry smell emanating from a rather official-looking envelope.

[19:30 PM] Dr Dash and The Tame Goose double-team Richard Brittain (Richard Brittain)
Dr Dash reports:

We ambushed him outside his room, killing him simultaneously with knife (ruler), (rubber band) gun and vicious attack dog.

[20:10 PM] 3.14 + 2veg = yum makes mincemeat of Sean Maguire (Sean the Sheep), and How
3.14 + 2veg = yum reports:

My s3.14der senses are tingling... Amos Micah How? Surely not. It is!

Am I good or evil? What is the nature of my sin? Do I wilfully misbehave, or am I a victim of my own hubris?

Sean the Sheep reports:

Two guys came into my room and shot an innocent, thinking he was me, before eventually gunning me down as I ran for my RBG. Sean The Sheep

[21:00 PM] Professor Klunk and 3.14 + 2veg = yum stomp Prashin (Prash) Jethwa (Dr Dash)
3.14 + 2veg = yum reports:

No, no, no, you don't eat me, you eat 3.14!

[22:15 PM] Theodore makes his first move, James Dixon (Magnum PI) and Sam Cocks (Mario) makes their last
Theodore reports:

Having heard there was a psychotic killer on the loose in Blue Boar O who seemed to be under the weather, I decided to go and investigate. While the door to O11 was locked and no-one was home, I still did not leave empty handed, dispensing of James Dixon and Sam Cocks, who seemed to think this corridor impenetrable. I then beat a hasty retreat to safety with plans to return another day - Beware Theodore

[22:22 PM] Liam Brierley (Throttle the Hunter) gets throttled by 3.14 + 2veg = yum
Throttle the Hunter reports:

Was having a quiet talk in the plodge doorway and totally unaware of my surroundings when a brutish young man did come and shoot me dead. Left my companions quite confused though..

3.14 + 2veg = yum reports:

I s3.14d him. What a sin. Is it cos I = black?

Thursday, 15 November

[08:30 AM] 3.14 + 2veg = yum lurks for Fluffy
3.14 + 2veg = yum reports:

8 a.m.? What is this mysterious hour? Since when has it existed? I am used to staying up until exactly 3.14 a.m. every morning, for I am a Compsci of Doom.

[10:00 AM] Will Everyone Stop Getting Shot! visits Theodore
Will Everyone Stop Getting Shot! reports:

Dear Umpire,

I actually did something assassins-related today that wasn't hiding in fear. I consider this to be very significant and noteworthy.

First of all I paid a visit to one of my Targets (Theodore), who apparently has a life or something (or at least lectures) and was not in his room, or at least too afraid of my intimidating presence to come out and face me. Unfortunately it seems the people I am after have taken the advice in my pseudonym. My next pseudonym will be 'Stand very still and don't try to kill me ever'.

Following this, I returned to college where I found a letter marked 'Important Exam Information' written in bad handwriting in biro in my pigeon hole. Immediately very suspicious, I carefully transferred said letter to my bag and opened it with thick gloves and a knife over the bin in my room. My suspicions were confirmed when a dubious powder begin to spill forth from the envelope. Reading the letter, I was reminded by my would-be murderer to report the attempt on my life, however said murderer was rude enough not to leave any signature at all.

[11:41 AM] Lean Mean Killing Machine defuses her post

[14:35 PM] Victor Xu Heng Leong (queen) and David Anthony Read (The man with a very big stick) go hunting for The Sex, but are ambushed by The Tame Goose
queen reports:

queen and her royal companion The man with a very big stick set off to remove the [target triad] from the face of the earth. queen had, early in the morning, sent her loyal subject, the flying pig of doom, after Sean Maguire, but the pig reported the discovery of a fresh corpse with wounds only hours old. Now the queen is hungry for a kill as both stake out The Sex's room, unaware that her enchanted peephole could see them hiding down the corridor. queen and The man with a very big stick decide to retreat for a while. As they neared the bottom of the stairs, queen hears a female voice which could only mean that their quarry had left the room, thinking the coast was clear. Both rushed back up, weapons at the ready as The Sex's screams filled the stairwell. However, having to spend extra time to get around the undead corpse of the deceased assassin Scott Wildgoose (who had just appeared) on the narrow L staircase meant that she had the time to retreat back to her room. Dejected, the queen and her companion decide to retreat, but apparently their accomplice The Tame Goose had ample time to lie in ambush at the bottom of the stairs. Queen, once again, sends her trusty flying pig at Scott, but in a Matrix-esque moment, he sidestepped the attack while queen and her companion were bitten to death by The Tame Goose's pets.

The Umpire would like to remind dead players that zombies have no role in this particular game, and they should refrain from involving themselves in assassins-related situations.

[17:30 PM] Fluffy finishes off Scott Wildgoose (The Tame Goose) and Vicky Nwosu-Hope (The Sex)
Fluffy reports:

At about 17.30 myself and the ghost of a recently departed assassin left our home and headed for Emmanuel college so that I could take out take out the Emmanuelites as they headed to dinner. We walked into South Court and up to the rooms of Vicky Nwosu-Hope and Scott Wildgoose to see if they were in. I heard no voices and I realised that there were spy-holes in the door so that they would see us before they came out of their rooms. I therefore retreated to await either their return or emergence.

At about 18.00, three people emerged and started to walk towards hall, recognising two of them as Scott and Vicky, I started to walk slowly towards them I heard Scott say to the others, 'there are people on South Court, I am scared', at which his friends laughed. However as they kept eyeing me, I knew that I couldn't sneak up on them so when they walked the other side of a pillar I sprinted towards them pulling out my gun. Somebody screamed a very high pitched scream (I think it was vicky but can't be sure) and the two ran off while their friend tried to get in my way. I side-stepped him easily and continued to sprint after them. Vicky was a lot slower than Scott and I caught her up within seconds and shot her in the back and, without stopping to apologise continued to chase Scott. Unfortunately I slipped as I neared him and landed on my arse and gun hand and though I was back up and running in seconds Scott (living up to his name) was to far ahead to catch before he made it into the JCR.

Unsure of what would be waiting for me if I followed him in, I returned to find my ghostly companion talking to Vicky. As they entered hall, I circled the buildings a couple of times to check for traps. Seeing none, I returned to Scott's companions and was informed that he was in hiding and not coming out for a long time. Assuming that this meant that his friends had told him that I was still around I headed to the JCR, as I went, noticing two heads watching me.

At the JCR I opened the door with the call key (bloody difficult with one hand while holding a gun) and was confronted by a rather worried looking teen whom I forced to tell me that he was a dead assassin. Before entering the room I peeked through the crack in the door to see Scott holding a ravenous-looking dog so I stuck my gun over the door and fired indiscriminately. Unfortunately he used the table for a shield so I missed him. Once I finished firing he charged around the door causing me to fall back as he sent the dog at me, luckily it hit my gun and bounced off. I then charged wide into the room and let loose with my gun getting a solid hit in. I then left but was worried that as my gun had been hit it wouldn't count so I walked back in and shot him multiple times with a RBG.

[19:05 PM] Vinnie the Psychopath checks the locks, thwarting Fluffy
Vinnie the Psychopath reports:

At 19:05 I heard someone knocking on the door. This time I was in the middle of a loud phone conversation, so couldn't really pretend I wasn't there. "Are you coming to the Hall?" a sexy voice that mafiosi usually have asked. "No, I'm not" I replied and this unexpected answer must have discouraged the intruder from further inquiries, as he left. 20 minutes later another handsome young man tried to break into my room, rather ineffectively posing as a friend of mine. Amazingly enough I did not feel like being shot down, so did not let him in.

Fluffy reports:

My ghostly companion and I then headed to [college] to the doors of Modo and Vinnie the Psychopath in that order, at Modo's door no-one answered and her next-door neighbour said that she had just gone out. At Vinnie the Psychopath's door when I knocked she answered without opening the door and I tried to pretend to be one of her housemates but I am pretty sure that she saw right through me and refused to come out. I therefore returned home in the worry that she might call in reinforcements.

Friday, 16 November

[19:00 PM] Fluffy shoots Professor Klunk from an OOB area, and then scares 3.14 + 2veg = yum away too

[22:40 PM] Theodore charges down Alicia Danks (The Recalcitrant Frog)
The Recalcitrant Frog reports:

I have passed on, I am no more, I have ceased to be. I am an ex-frog.

[22:45 PM] Theodore brings about a sur(3.14)sing end for Joshua Guy 'Duke' Blanchard Lewis (3.14 + 2veg = yum) and his puns
Theodore reports:

The Lament of Dukey Wukey

One evening late, when dark outside,
The brave young Twillo went to ride,
In search of Jake, that wanted man,
To end his life was Twillo's plan.

On approach, came into sight,
A coward who seemed too scared to fight.
With him he had a damsel fair,
With sparkling eyes and nut brown hair.

Facing two brought him no fear,
Waited he, 'til she came near.
The weak Duke stood too far away
As the air fell thick with Twillo's spray.

The Duke, who's words were rightly coarse,
Showed his ally no remorse.
Now one on one he cowered in fear,
As the gallant Twillo now came near.

With higher ground beneath his feet,
The Duke again bid his retreat.
With no more pity, Twillo ran,
Shooting true to kill this man.

For The Duke we shed no tears,
Ridding innocents of all fears.
The world is safe, for now at least,
As Twillo slayed this mighty beast.

3.14 + 2veg = yum reports:

It seems that the fates decide these things before they even take place, and those whose deaths have been decided in advance will occur whether they actually do or not. I suppose the final lines of Sophocles' Oedipus Tyrannus are correct - 'call no man lucky 'til he be dead'; I am lucky...

[23:05 PM] Professor Klunk dispenses his own brand of justice to William (Twillo) Brooks (Theodore)

Saturday, 17 November

[09:59 AM] The ghost of Alicia Danks poisons the soul of Kamila Ewa Julia Zubala (known as Camilla) (Vinnie the Psychopath)
Vinnie the Psychopath reports:

Got a letter this morning. Hoping it was a love letter from a boy from [unspecified college] I'm romantically involved with, I opened it, as I thought I recognized his handwriting. It was a blond thing to do - the envelope contained some suspiciously looking white powder. I died in convulsions on the plodge floor. That must have made the porters' day - I was at the top of their official shitlist (drunkenness, getting locked out 2 times a week etc etc).

[15:00 PM] Fluffy sends Roisin Kiberd (Modo) back to Mars
Fluffy reports:

Today I set out from my hidey hole at 14.30 and arrived at the door of Rosin Kiberd at 15.00. Unsure if she was in I knocked on her door.

'Who is it?' she called.

'Damn', I thought to myself, a rookie mistake, not having a name ready to mind. I continued to curse myself silently until she called out again.

'Are you an assassin?'

'Crap', I thought, screwed either way really. 'No' I called back

'Yeah right'

Thinking that she would never open the door now I started to walk away when I heard the pumping of a water gun behind me.

'Game on!' I thought, unfortunately I was in a place that offered me no cover at all so I ran down to the next floor to discover that this was even worse: I couldn't get to her at all, but she could easily get me. I moved back to a place that I thought was covered to think about the best way to draw her out but didn't move back far enough and a jet of water arced down and hit me in the gun and leg.

Now unable to run and pinned down I considered myself to be well and truly screwed and took the only option open to me: I limped into the kitchen and took cover behind the door.

While there we had a nice long conversation covering the play she was in, how glad she was that someone had come to try and kill her and how annoying it was that she was out of anvils. She also told me that she wanted to go to an audition that finished at 16.00. By this time 5 minutes had passed since I was shot and my leg was feeling better so I started to try and think of a way out. I checked my weapons:

  • Knives: couldn't get close enough
  • Bouncy bombs: couldn't get them up to her
  • Dog: Ditto
  • RBG: couldn't shoot her without being shot
  • Water gun: Ditto

I therefore took the only option and fled to find better ground.

This was found just outside her residence, underneath a willow tree, where I waited round a corner for 15 minutes before she showed. I started to follow her but she saw me and started to run while shooting. I tried to flank her but she called that I wasn't allowed on the grass. Apologising and thanking her (it is nice of her to not want me to get into trouble despite my ongoing attempts to kill her), I ran to a path and went after her. She dodged into the bike park and behind a wall and started firing at me. I ran past firing but we both missed. She then retreated and took cover behind a bin, as our water guns had lost a lot of power I took a shot with my RBG but she avoided it easily and shot back with a very weak squirt from her water gun. I took advantage of this and ran in and managed to get her with a stream of water across the body and face.

[17:00 PM] The Game Ends

Well, that was fun.

Congratulations to team Viking Jukebox who racked up an impressive 18 player kills between them, and in so doing came well ahead of everyone else.

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