Cloak & Dagger The Assassins' Guild - Week 1 News

Monday, 19 November

[06:00 AM] The Game Begins!

There are between... wait... you know how many there are...
Just kill them all!

[09:45 AM] Beard Bird slaughtered Mencellator as he walked carelessly around Trinity

[09:55 AM] SDG tried to bang kill Beard Bird through a shield, resulting in a duel where Beard Bird sliced SDG in half

[12:05 PM] Beard Bird bang killed Henry VIII who was painfully unaware of his surroundings

[12:39 PM] SDG takes on the very discreet (read terribly transparent) Beard Bird.

[12:47 PM] The Grape of Wrath got a little to close to Beard Bird and sliced his left arm off with a sword. Beard Bird countered with his right arm, delivering a fatal bang kill to The Grape of Wrath

[13:00 PM] Baby-faced Lemming shot Maria in the head with an RBG. (one lemming falls off a cliff, the rest follow)
Baby-faced Lemming reports:

The unsuspecting Maria Kennedy was walking through the ground of her college, when suddenly a rubber band cam flying towards her, hitting her in the back of the head, with death instantaneous. One lemming falls off a cliff, the rest will follow.

[13:13 PM] Jack didn't Hug Me! So I stabbed him.

[13:24 PM] Delete this event

[15:54 PM] Beard Bird killed The Grape of Wrath

[17:04 PM] Beard Bird found the door of Henry VIII open and found a space in his chest to plant a shot

[18:21 PM] Alice Band killed Emma

[19:10 PM] Zaphod killed American Psycho
Zaphod reports:

At dinner, me and my victim met and chatted. He scarpered after he finished, but paused to check I was not following him. I was. After a short chase he paused to unlock a door, but he was too slow, and his body was riddled with bullets.

[19:14 PM] Alice Band killed Don Raphael

[20:00 PM] The Man with Absolute Rest killed Raven

[20:20 PM] The Man with Absolute Rest killed Salamonster

[20:42 PM] Baby-faced Lemming killed Emma
Baby-faced Lemming reports:

The Baby-faced Lemming proceeded to King's, whereupon he used his building skills to get to Emma Loffler's room. Her door was open, so he walked in and shot her, before using a blocker to cover up the evidence.

[20:45 PM] Maid Marion killed The Man with Absolute Rest
Maid Marion reports:

During a room storming practise session at the house of an unspecified assassin, The Man with Absolute Rest and The Viator stormed the room. As this session had not been declared out of bounds, Maid Marion shot The Man with Absolute Rest with an RBG, eventually hitting enough bits of him to make him dead. Then, after playing silly buggers for three quarters of an hour...

[20:47 PM] Baby-faced Lemming is left disappointed by the already-dead Don Raphael
Baby-faced Lemming reports:

The Baby-faced Lemming was about to use his bomber to get into his intended victim's room. Before he did so, the target emerged from the room, and was shot in the chest. However, it then emerged that he had not yet resurrected, since he had just been killed by Alice Band.

[21:25 PM] The Viator decided that no kills are made to be broken so shot Beard Bird in the back

[21:35 PM] ...Maid Marion killed The Viator
Maid Marion reports:

Having killed someone or other, The Viator entered the house, stepping over the corpse of his companion, and proceeded to besiege Maid Marion in the dining room. She eventually managed to shoot both his arms off, at which point The Viator ran away to let them re-grow. While he was gone they ate ice-cream. The Viator then came back, forgot to look both ways and got shot in the back of the head. The maiden then departed on her pure white steed back to her castle turret.

Tuesday, 20 November

[09:50 AM] The Man with Absolute Motive was lurking atop a bridge when who but The Grape of Wrath passed, receiving a nice splatter effect

[09:55 AM] The Man with Absolute Motive waited atop a fire escape when Mencellator failed to look up until it was too late

[11:55 AM] Beard Bird waited until SDG thought the way was clear, then burst out and shot him in the back before he knew what hit him

[12:00 PM] SDG was shot in the back by Beard Bird.

[12:00 PM] Baby-faced Lemming and Beard Bird fought on King's Parade, which resulted in their mutual demise
Baby-faced Lemming reports:

As I emerged from a side street, I saw Beard Bird opposite me, whilst he caught sight of me. This resulted in a firefight, in which Beard Bird was shot in the head, whilst at the same time my body was soaked with water.

[12:00 PM] The Man with Absolute Motive and Baby-faced Lemming double killed with vanishing rubber bands galore

[14:30 PM] Nature's Harmonic Simultaneous 4-Day Time Cube lured Zaphod out of his room and shot him in a deadly duel
Zaphod reports:

Lacking cunning after mind numbing physics, I approached with my supposedly loaded weapon only to find 3 empty rounds when I needed it most. Damn my unpreparedness and physics.

[18:15 PM] The Man with Absolute Motive saw The Grape of Wrath lurking for him in the dinning queue so took appropriate measures with an RBG to enable him to eat

[18:15 PM] Maid Marion mutilated the corpse of Zaphod with 20 minutes to go before he respawned
Maid Marion reports:

I think the word I'm looking for here is "bugger".

[18:15 PM] Raven molested Alice Band in the shower. Mmmmm.
Simeon Bird, BA, Hons, Cantab reports:

Some tard tried to submit the following report in the 'headline' field:

In an epic, harrowing and bloody siege hilarious to all onlookers, Raven assailed Band with an RBG as she was fresh out of the shower, but missed on first shot. The next half hour then consisted of Band, besieged in the bathroom in naught but a towel, th

[18:23 PM] The Man with Absolute Motion stopped the Beard Bird

[18:43 PM] Baby-faced Lemming finally gets Don Raphael
Baby-faced Lemming reports:

Don Raphael was casually walking through his college, when the Baby-faced lemming unleashed a bomber lemming in front of his chest, blowing him to smithereens.

[19:27 PM] Zaphod killed Maid Marion
Zaphod reports:

Having respawned just after meeting at dinner, I proceeded to hide and lurk near her accommodation. Having waited for half an hour, I went back to the hall, and lo and behold, at the top of the steps, there she was. I quickly drew my weapon and shot her before she could draw her own, much to the amusement of the head waiter.

[19:31 PM] Beard Bird killed The Grape of Wrath

[21:56 PM] RC Assassin killed Jack Leigh Again! (but with more class this time)
Hug Me! reports:

All I wanted was for Jack Leigh to Hug Me! But no! Instead he brandished a knife and pointed it at me most threateningly. So I did the honest thing and I shot him.

[22:15 PM] Improper Duelling! In the middle of the street! The Man with Absolute Motion has none compared to The Viator.

Wednesday, 21 November

[02:30 AM] Dr Faust killed St Brendan

[02:54 AM] Dr Faust ditched Jack with an RBG!

[09:55 AM] Beard Bird was strolling around outside when who did he spy but Mencellator who was off gaurd, and very quickly off life

[10:00 AM] The Man with Absolute Motive was in a standoff with The Man with Absolute Rest when he signalled to SDG to kill him. Having succeeded, The Man with Absolute Motive rewarded him with a face full of water

[10:00 AM] The SDG stumbled across a heated battle between The Man with Absolute Rest and Beard Bird, after making sure The Man with Absolute Rest met an elaSticity end, the SDG was shot in the back. Again!

[10:20 AM] An Assassin dined with Beard Bird before breaking a no kill to slaughter this gallant gentleman 10:20 PM not AM

[11:27 AM] Zaphod killed Maid Marion ...again
Maid Marion reports:

Zaphod miraculously avoided a rain of Giant Squid and proceeded to ungallantly shoot Maid Marion.

[13:00 PM] The Man with Absolute Motive kisaw his path to hall rudely inhibitted by Henry VIII, so decided stepping over his bullet riddled corpse was easier

[13:00 PM] Pickles killed Salamonster following him after lectures

[13:27 PM] Zaphod killed American Psycho

[13:28 PM] The Man with Absolute Motive saw The Man with Absolute Motion distracted by the food he was about to eat so Bang killed him from behind

[14:01 PM] Amy Booth killed Towanda the Avenger
Towanda the Avenger reports:

While slowly descending the RFB stairs this afternoon I became conscious of the notorious psychopathic killer Amy Booth aka Gifterded Ailema aka Alice Band (a split personality typical for mentally deranged)lurking behind my back and that made me slightly nervous. Fortunately I was armed with a banana gun. As it later turned out though, she had a banana too, knew there was no time to lose and got me first. Fair enough, her weapon was fairtrade.

[15:27 PM] Zaphod killed Maid Marion
Maid Marion reports:

Always look on the bright side of death, dee dum, dee dum dee dum dee dum...

[17:23 PM] Dr Faust killed St Brendan again with an RBG, in a valiant display of self defence, after being cornered and with one arm hacked to pieces with a rusty USB stick.

[18:05 PM] One Man and his Beard killed Maid Marion
One Man and his Beard reports:

One Man and his Beard set out to hunt, moving quickly to the estates of Jesus. On passing their target's window, they saw its light flicker and die, and another flared on the winding stair that she would have to descent. Quickly, the hunting duo concealed themselves without, and awaited her emergence. The fair maid, alert, emerged from safety with worry creased onto her radiant visage. Onward she walked, going via secret routes, but unawares of the threat that trailed her. At last the beard and its accomplice in foul deeds found chance to strike, and in a flurry of shots Maid Marion lay dead upon the floor. The guilty pair vanished into the night.

[18:22 PM] Pickles killed Salamonster following him after lectures

[18:29 PM] American Psycho mutilated the corpse of Maid Marion
Maid Marion reports:

What can I say - today just wasn't my day was it?

[18:30 PM] Zaphod killed American Psycho

[18:50 PM] One Man and his Beard killed Alice Band
One Man and his Beard reports:

One Man and his Beard continued their hunt, and as their target passed below them they sprung out and unleashed death. And then the hunt went on.

[19:10 PM] While the SDG was skulking for Jejunal Infarction he happend upon Raven who shot him before he could reach for his gun.

[19:50 PM] One Man and his Beard killed The Man with Absolute Motion
One Man and his Beard reports:

One Man and his Beard somehow managed not to be seen as they crept up on their target, despite the beard's intimidating size. A spray of water finished their hunt.

[19:56 PM] RC Assassin mutilated the corpse of Jack Leigh, while Elaine Oliver looked on.
RC Assassin reports:

I appeared outside the door of Jack Leigh, with the aid of a mutual friend to open it. I fired several shots into his body before realising he was already dead. Elaine Oliver was in his room, and I had to try very hard not to make any necrophilia jokes.

[21:10 PM] Zaphod killed Maria

[22:15 PM] Towanda ships Ludi off to Wonderland
Towanda the Avenger reports:

Having spied on Steven Shenton and Ludmila Demchenko since 6 o' clock I proceeded to the Queen's Building where they were about to watch "Alice in Wonderland". I sat next to them and their friend even gave me a Mars bar! As soon as we left I shot them both dead at the back of the head, as this time the Emmanuel goddess failed to prevent further bloodshed from happening on the grounds of her beloved college. Disposing of them was probably not a very nice thing to do after the Mars bar and all, but I guess I'm just not a very nice person.

[22:16 PM] Steve follows Ludi in her journey

[22:47 PM] Towanda visits Catz for the second time to find Sol unarmed
Towanda the Avenger reports:

Around 11 pm I arrived at Catz. Having lurked on the staircase for about ten minutes, I shot Don Raphael in the chest as soon as he left his room carrying a pile of dishes. However, apparently "he did not give a shit", so I saved myself the trouble of ritually mutilating his dead body, to great disappointment of his neighbours.

[23:17 PM] The Viator had means and opportunity, but was not The Man with Absolute Motive, as Amanita Arbury shot an innocent
The Viator reports:

Philip Bielby: professional innocent.

Amanita Arbury reports:

During a stand off with The Viator I accidentally shot an innocent, concealed around a corner. Myself and An Assassin were unscathed, while The Man with Absolute Motive was shot in the back.

[23:42 PM] Curiosity killed Jack
Curiosity reports:

Not the cat this time!

Thursday, 22 November

[00:15 AM] Zaphod killed American Psycho

[07:40 AM] The Man with Absolute Motive had heard An Assassin mention she was rowing early sho The Man with Absolute Motive got on his bike and shot her with a water pistol as she cycled by. Revenge is sweet

[08:20 AM] Beard Bird was warming up when Henry VIII entered the boathouse and left life

[10:00 AM] Maid Marion killed Baby-faced Lemming

[10:00 AM] Maid Marion killed American Psycho

[11:53 AM] Ben Weaver gets a visitor
Ben Weaver reports:

Dear Mr Umpire, This morning, a mysterious man broke into my room (presumably left unlocked by my bedder earlier on) and looked around, apparently failing to notice me hiding under my bedclothes. He then nefariously replaced my light bulbs with 'energy-saving' bulbs, and left again. I have checked the rules to see if energy-saving bulbs can be used as weapons, and I think they can't. I am therefore going to (don gloves, and) replace them with normal bulbs again, an action which will require far more energy from me than if the so-called 'energy saving' bulbs had never appeared. If this was an assassination attempt, it has failed. If not, disregard above report.

[12:00 PM] Beard Bird lurked behind a car for SDG to come into the open, before chasing him and shooting him down

[12:00 PM] After an unsucsesful duel in the morning (ie no one died) the SDG was low on ammo. After lectures Beard Bird chased an unarmed SDG into a corner and shot him, AGAIN!

[13:11 PM] The Grape of Wrath killed Mencellator

[13:30 PM] One Man and his Beard killed Hug Me!
One Man and his Beard reports:

One man and his beard were only doing their shopping, not hunting at all. But being provoked by assassins walking right in front of them... it is not surprising they felt the need to kill.

[15:00 PM] Pickles killed Salamonster

[15:26 PM] Towanda visits Jesus and gets American Psycho, who turns out to be not that psychopathic
Towanda the Avenger reports:

Planning to shoot a few Jesus assassins I entered the college through its main gate. I shortly discovered to my annoyance that Maria Kennedy, Matt Green and Alicia Danks were not in, so this time they escaped the punishing hand of justice!!! However, David Williams aka American Psycho was not that lucky. I took him out sitting on the stairs right in front of his door. He claimed "I was not close enough", it did not turn into a major argument though. I don't talk to corpses, I mutilate them.

[16:05 PM] A lurking Alice Band made short work of Maid Marion

[16:10 PM] St Brendan attempted to impose his monastic rule on Alice Band and got shot in the head with a water-pistol.

[19:08 PM] Baby-faced Lemming displayed necrophilic intentions towards the corpse of Maid Marion
Baby-faced Lemming reports:

The lemming's plan was enacted beautifully, as he was able to take Maid Marion completely by surprise by dousing her from above. The only problem with this plan was that she was already dead.

[21:32 PM] The Grape of Wrath stabbed Beard Bird in the back; which apparently made him feel a little tired.

[21:36 PM] Henry VIII killed Beard Bird

[21:37 PM] The Viator killed Mencellator
The Viator reports:

His eyes were deceiving him; the door was open!

[22:45 PM] Baby-faced Lemming stabbed Zaphod
Baby-faced Lemming reports:

Despite being utterly drunk the lemming managed to stab his target in the bar.

Friday, 23 November

[00:00 AM] Baby-faced Lemming killed Maria
Baby-faced Lemming reports:

Maria was absent-mindedly enjoying herself in Jesus bar, when the lemming attacked her, leaving her for dead.

[03:46 AM] Dr Faust killed Jack AGAIN
Dr Faust reports:

At a social event in an unspecified college, Jack attempted to stab Dr Faust, who was unarmed and consuming wine. Letting out a shriek of terror at the death that could have been, Dr Faust rushed off to her chamber (managing not to break any ankles in her 4-inch heels) and, returning with a knife, proceeded to stab Jack several times, thus rendering him extremely dead.

[10:00 AM] Maid Marion killed Jack

[10:00 AM] Pickles killed Salamonster

[10:02 AM] The Viator tried to teach The Man with Absolute Motive some principles of Mechanics, but received his own lesson.
The Viator reports:

The thing about water fighting is, you can't transform into the rest frame of the participants. Unless you happen to have absolute motion.

[12:50 PM] Maid Marion got Zaphod with a rubber band through the heart

[13:00 PM] SDG clashed but failed to kill each other Pickles

[13:05 PM] Maid Marion killed Baby-faced Lemming
Maid Marion reports:

I hope it didn't put him off his lunch.

[13:39 PM] The Grape of Wrath killed Mencellator

[14:34 PM] Pickles clashed with SDG

[16:01 PM] The Man with Absolute Motion killed The Man With Absolut Motif
The Man With Absolut Motif reports:


[17:10 PM] The Man with Absolute Motion exchanged fire with Jejunal Infarction

[17:42 PM] Dr Faust pwnt St Brendan
Dr Faust reports:

Stabbed as soon as he became un-out-of-bounds upon leaving the Faculty building at 4pm today =D

St Brendan reports:

Really should start paying attention...

[18:20 PM] Generator of Random Digits calculated the odds while cycling and squished The Grape of Wrath into the ground

[18:34 PM] The Man with Absolute Motion was not a Jómsvikingar!
The Man with Absolute Rest reports:

I have hacked Mr. Weaver's Gibson. Feel my powr. Simeon.

[19:20 PM] Beard Bird had been eating bellow a portrait of Henry VIII and so knew his face when he stepped into hall for the last time

[21:44 PM] Maid Marion killed Zaphod
Maid Marion reports:

REVENGE! *cue manic laughter*

[22:00 PM] RC Assassin saw Elaine Oliver with the corpse of Jack Leigh and stabbed them both
RC Assassin reports:

I wandered into the bar of a certain College, and noticed in the corner of the room, that once again Elaine Oliver was a bit too close ro that corpse that she carries around with her. Fortunately they did not see me, so I stabbed them both, bringing an end to this necrophiliholic.

[23:00 PM] Generator of Random Digits innocently watched tv when Mencellator made a miscalculation and failed to sneak up on him. The numbers came out in favour of the Generator of Random Digits

[23:23 PM] One Man and his Beard narrowly escaped The Man with Absolute Rest and The Man With Absolute Machismo

Saturday, 24 November

[01:28 AM] St Brendan, by the Grace of God, drove the last remnants of Curiosity from his troubled mind. About time...
Curiosity reports:

The amount of times I have shot/stabbed him when he's been dead already... I happen to be sitting next to him as he respawns. Just my luck :)

[09:58 AM] The Viator killed Amanita Arbury
The Viator reports:

Remarkably similar to the way I killed her last week.

Amanita Arbury reports:

The Viator shot me down with a bang kill after emerging from a group of people passing the opposite way to me along tennis court road, so intent was I on getting to chemistry on time I didn't even see it coming - alas!

[10:07 AM] Baby-faced Lemming and The Viator outside lectures, k.i.l.l.i.n.g.
The Viator reports:

Is time an illusion? Lecture time doubly so.

[10:09 AM] Look at you, you can't even lift that cannon you carry!
Michael Donaghy reports:

I'm afraid I'd best resign; my left arm is currently not-very-usable after a bike accident. My best wishes to all the players.

[12:00 PM] Generator of Random Digits generated P( Mencellator's ball would hit him)=0 so killed him

[12:05 PM] Beard Bird flew high above The Grape of Wrath's shield and avoided his sword to turn him into a nice house red

[12:51 PM] Zaphod killed American Psycho

[13:20 PM] Zaphod was late for an appointment with Death, so Maid Marion chivied him along.

[14:00 PM] Hug Me! stabbed Jack so far away from home. PLEASE CHANGE TO 14:00 SAT

[15:04 PM] The Viator killed Nature's Harmonic Simultaneous 4-Day Time Cube

[15:06 PM] Hug Me! owes Dr Faust a Sainsburys Doughnut
Dr Faust reports:

Arriving in Camden Town at 3 pm, Dr Faust felt that it was time for some more killing. She hopes that the offer of a Doughnut still stands as she spotted Hug Me! in a Market, where he had spent a pleasant afternoon, and, using Sneaking SkillZ of the highest order, she crept up behind him and inflicted sudden Death.

Hug Me! reports:

Alas, really should have seen that one coming. "Oh we're going to meet Elaine, we'll meet you back here." Elaine likes doughnuts and is an assassin. 2 + 2 = 3?

[15:50 PM] The Man With Absolute Machismo killed The Man with Absolute Motive
The Man With Absolute Machismo reports:

LARP causes cancer.

[16:28 PM] Robin Hood shot Mencellator as hemove across his landing.

[16:34 PM] The Viator killed Maid Marion
Maid Marion reports:

curiosity killed the Alicia.

[18:22 PM] Robin Hood and Zaphod killed each other in a deadly fight
Robin Hood reports:

Death, ending my participation in the game. Still at least I took someone with me, and can join my fair maid in the afterlife.

Maid Marion reports:

The fair maid has told you specifically that she will not be "yours", and greatly resents this implication. She's saving herself for Friar Tuck.

[20:59 PM] The Grape of Wrath & The Man With Absolute Machismo double kill at the last minute.
The Grape of Wrath reports:

You have ONE MINUTE remaining! Double kill!

[21:00 PM] The Game Ends

Congratulations to victor William Brooks, with 28 points; also to runner-up Simeon Bird, BA (Hons) (Cantab) with 23, and Alicia Danks with 17.

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