The Assassins' Guild - Week 2 News
The Assassins' Guild - Week 2 NewsAt 0900 hours this morning, as i headed, innocently, down Madingley Road
who did i spy carrying a weapon, but Jonathan Holmes... now as a police
man i knew i could do little, until all of a sudden he pointed it at me. In
a frenzy i sought out a knife and managed to stab his arm as he shot one of
mine. (I know it was my arm, my hoodie got wet) Luckily for me, a
fellow assasin was on hand (Prince of Darkness) who, whilst also
under attack for no reason i hasten to add, stabbed the corrupt officer in
the chest. Thus we left Madingley road knowing that there was one less
officer on the street...
Eden
It was a cold, misty morning, i was on my way to lectures with the my group
of trusty, loyal allies and friends. It's been hard times recently with
rumors of ghastly kills and murders, not to mention those damming
impossible lectures. A shiver runs up my spine with just the thought.
0900 came and past, all was quiet and it seems we got away from dieing this
time, when suddenly out of nowhere, a madman covered in a pure black cloak,
drew a gun and pointed it right in my face. The suddenness of which
startled me but fortunately my long term ally Eden drew a knife cunningly
concealed where even I don't know, and stabbed the madman in the weapon arm
neutralizing it. The grace and beauty of which, almost entranced me and
sent me to my doom. My senses jolted and i drew my trusty knife and stabbed
him frenziedly in the chest killing him outright, with plenty of blood of
course. He dropped to the ground with a deathly hollow THUD. I bent over
and uncovered his face to reveal Jonathan Holmes.
'I thought Jonathan Holmes was dead' spoke Eden in a whisper 'Obviously
not' I replied with a pause, 'he is now though,' as I throw the clock over
his face.
As we walked away from the dead body sprawled aimlessly on the ground,
towards those incomprehensible lectures. We wished it was us that were
dead.
I was walking down Madingley Road yesterday when I spied the Prince of Darkness, who, apart from being a known assassin with a creepy pseudonym, proceeded to look at me funny. Taking this as proof of his villainy, I shot him in the chest with my trusty revolver. However, I did not realize that said assassin was not yet a legitimate target by the ruling of the Umpire until 1600 that day, and therefore he was saved from certain doom by the intervention of Umpiric forces. At that point, I observed Eden fumbling about in her bag for the knife I knew it to contain, and spun around to face my new foe. Unfortunately, I fired too hastily and only hit her left arm as her knife plunged in to my right shoulder, rendering my weapon useless. A moment later, the Prince of Darkness, miraculously recovered, drove his own blade into my heart. And so it was that I left this mortal coil. Never again will I consume another deliciously fluffy doughnut. Never will the taste of Bavarian cream or sugary glaze bring joy to my heart, and I will never have the opportunity to shoot yet another assassin who turns out to be already dead, or, say, not an assassin. I have been condemned to a miserable post-existence, which appears to include something called cosets, whatever those are, in addition to partial derivatives and other such mysteries meant for minds built for more than the occasional unjustified firefight or the simple joy of that wonderful fried bready sugary taste I can just barely remember, which I tasted such a short time ago and yet so far away, and which is lost to me forever, its memory torturing my pitiful soul. Have I truly done something so terrible as to deserve such a fate? The judgment of the gods is harsh indeed.
Just this morning, Philip Bao had sworn not to kill me, and even bore The Lord's name. As we were walking through King's College today, he made an uprovoced attack using his dagger. He first removed my arms and retreated. I pulled out my knife using my teeth and tried to intercept him. Quite slickly, he then stabbed my right leg. My attempts of chasing him while hopping were not successful. He stabbed my last remaining limb, and left me to bleed to death on a bridge over the river Cam.
The Umpire notes that a miraculous Light did shine from the Heavens and did heal his Wounds and leave him whole once more.
This afternoon at about 1.15 I accidentally poked my friend- *Nimrod* Gileadi with a dagger in the arm. Unfortunately he became very
aggressive and so I had to remove his other arm. After this he then
proceeded to get his own sword out using his teeth alone and started to
chase after me. This forced me into desperate action but as i am a kind
soul i didn't want to kill him but had to take out one of his legs due
to self defence. He proceeded to hop after me and so again i was forced
to take out his other leg. Nimrod had also previously told me that he
was going to be an incompetent and also had just killed an innocent
yesterday!
Ps I didn't actually finish Nimrod off with a stab to either the chest
or the head! so technically he is still alive with the movement of his
chest na dhead alone!!!!!!!!
Indeed.
Whilst working peacefully in my room there was a knock at the door. I opened the door to this apparently unarmed visitor only to have him pull a small rubber band gun from his pocket - my reactions were fast, drawing a knife from my jacket and thrusting it forwards, but not as fast as his mouth ans he managed to get out a 'bang' before my blade struck. I now find myself Colin Baker....
Mr David Molony has requested to be withdrawn from the game due to a neighbour complaining to her porters about assassin activity. Would all players therefore please avoid shifty behaviour around A12 Boulton house, Wychfield site (Next door to fitz) and the Wychfield site/Tit Hall in general? Thank you. Umpire
Mr Sam Gordon has likewise left the game, as a neighbour of Mr Molony.
Sophie Agrotis was walking back from her tiring lecture not realising her
beloved friend she was chatting to had a knife in his hand hidden away just
waiting for her to come near.
In other words she's dead
Upon seeing a Mr. Ryan Hamlet in the incompetence list, I decided he would
be an easy kill, since I know him and therefore it would not be terribly
suspicious of me to pop over and visit him. There was but one problem:
could I kill my own son? Was I that desperate to rid myself of my own
incompetence? Apparently yes. However despite his so-called incompetence he
still had his wits about him and saw through my cunning plot. Unfortunately
for him he forgot to lock his door so I just walked in and shot him.
Encouraged by my vile murder, I then took it upon myself to eliminate the
remaining incompetent Churchillian (myself excluded). Given my previous
target's lax security, I opted for the bold strategy of simply bursting
through Mr. kaifei yu's door and opening fire. No such luck. The door was
locked and so I swiftly aborted and headed towards the Anchor to join in
IncoBash. Sadly I turned up an hour late and everyone was gone.
Steven Shenton's team, consisting of Laurence Watson, David Williams, Alasdair Pearce and the Umpire, set off towards Pembroke, not realising that both the Pembroke incos were in silly places. They moved on to Downing, entering both inco's houses through friendly (and foolish) neighbours. Stefan Liberadzki was unfortunate enough to be leaving his room as the team arrived, and Steven Shenton mercilessly and swiftly shot him down.
The team next moved on to Steven Shenton's home turf, where the first inco visited turned out not to be in. The second, however, was there and answered the door to Laurence Watson, due to a lucky coincidence (a friend also called Laurence!) but realised in time that he was about to be killed and shut his door, blocking the incoming shots. We all then went around the building to his windows, of which the top-most tiny one was open. Mr Steven Shenton proceeded to climb up to it, squeeze through the gap, open the bigger windows and then search the room for Tomas Thembinkosi Rodriguez Perez, who was hiding and attempting to carve 'knife' in a baguette. He also protested (between laughs) that we couldn't come in the window, to which I replied 'actually, I'm the Umpire, and yes he can'. Steven Shenton shot him, anyway, and he was very amused and invited us to dine (on crisps).
We next moved on to Christ's, where we found ourselves lost in a strange maze of corridors and floors, leading through infinite possibilities and past very odd numbering, before we reached Christina Woodger's door. There we let David Williams brave the girl within, who could be clearly heard drying her hair and opened her door happily, only to be shot and grinned at.
Our other attempts in Christ's went amiss, so we moved on to Jesus and found all the incos there dead, except one which we helped with killing.
I heard an all too familiar creaking from
without my door. Peering forth from my peephole I spied a gang of
villainous rogues crowding around the stairwell wielding all manner of
rubber band guns and water pistols, doubtless intent on my death.
Silently, paitently, I waited for them to either approach closer that they
might fall before my own weapon or give up and leave that I might pursue
them, until eventually Crazy Tony's shambling zombie corpse blew their
cover and forced them to retreat. Seizing the opportunity, I followed them
to the entrance to my staircase where I fired a few shots around the corner
as their backs were turned. Unfortunately I missed and a stand-off was
initiated, which culminated in my demise due to a tactical error.
Alas, alack, I am slaughtered, without even a kill to my name. Should have left the incobash and gone for dinner earlier. Irritatingly, I knew where the danger was, but knowledge was too weak to protect me.
I like incobashing :)
One of the attackers tried to open my door, but it was locked, then they went downstairs, i went onto my balcony, Robin Message opened a door onto the walkway below, and hid behind it, but not well enough to avoid my shots. Jacob (Jake) Samuel Corteen left without me being able to shoot him.
Smokin'. 3 times in 1 day The Colonel shot down his incompetent enemies (he had a little help with the last though), only to discover that one of them was in fact already dead with a letter containing every poison under the sun.
Three of the police came to my room and after a long while I decided to open the door and use a spear and throw a knife. Then I got shot several times.
A strange Cloud of Gas was reported to seize Nimrod in the Street and drag him to the Floor, kicking and screaming. Soon he lay still. May his Soul rest.
Lurked New Museums Site lecture theatres this morning but didn't see anyone to kill. =(
My first chance to draw Pig blood legally! I carefuly entered his staircase and lo and behold his door was open. I went in, he was absorbed in his work, and I shot him ruthlessly in the back before he could turn around. Incompetents - 0, Colonel - 3.
After my unfortunate death a number of days ago and in light of my new life as a police officer, I decided to attempt to 'take down' my target who had bee ndclared incompetent (a Mr Robert Bell). I proceeded to his room and knocked at the door. Wonderfully, it opened and with a certain style, my college gown billowing behind me and fire in my eyes, I raised my gun and with a cry of 'In the name of the Law' shot the occupant in the forehead. It took only a few more minutes to wor out that this was not Robert Bell but a friend. Robert Bell was present but, as this few minutes had consisted of conversation- during which I had recognised his validity and sanctity as a human being (if a Johnian), I couldnt bring myself to kill him. I presume I am now corrupt...ulp...
How to make a Max-D BOOM-thousand:
This is a simple way to seriously increase the power of the Max-D 2000
supersoaker.
You will need:
One Max-D 2000. Preferably malfunctioning already. It's possible other
guns will work just as well if not better.
One Phillips screwdriver, of the correct size for the Max-Ds screws.
Sellotape.
Instructions:
* Unscrew all the screws of the Max-D. Remove the handle from the pump.
* Open up the gun. There is an orange ring around the pump that is glued
on. Just pull the two halves of the gun apart and the case should break
fairly cleanly.
* Remove all the bits and pieces. You want the core parts of the gun -
the reservoir, trigger valve, nozzle, and pump, which are all fixed
together. Soon they will not be all fixed together.
* Slide the pump piston out of its barrel.
* Look at the innermost end. On my gun, it's brown. You should see a
small, 2mm hole in the side, with a spring visible through it. This is
the check valve, that allows excess air pressure to escape. You are
going to prevent this. Increasing the pressure should make the gun more
powerful.
* Sellotape over the hole. Wrap the tape around a few times to be sure.
* Reinsert the pump piston.
* Fill the gun with water.
* Start pumping. You want to pump until it gets difficult. It may be
easiest to point the nozzle towards yourself (though I didn't).
* However, it doesn't get difficult. Keep pumping, and eventually...
KA-F***ING-BOOM!
The trigger valve and nozzle should blow off the reservoir, resulting in
a spectacular blink-and-you'll-miss-it explosion of air and water. Maybe
it will blow up somewhere else instead.
Congratulations: You have now made and fired your Max-D BOOM-thousand!
And your armoury is decreased by one - if the gun wasn't broken before,
it is now. Hopefully you've learnt that attempting to 'improve' weapons
can backfire. Spectacularly.
PS: I suggest you don't do it in front of your laptop like I did.
Upon checking my mail I saw a suspicious powder lining the pigeon-hole.
Luckily I had previously mentioned gloves on hand and dissected the
suspicious envelope with a couple of handy KIFEs.
Note to my assailant: As a rule I am suspicious of any envelope received
through any internal mailing service especially ones with white powder
seeping through the envelope when I haven't sent off for any free flour
recently. Congratulations on your choice of card however as the flour would
have been well disguised. Also the best way to kill me is to run around my
court firing a weapon into the air so I advise you to try this.
Upon visitng my pidgeon hole, I noticed a suspicious brown letter inside. I was not expecting any post that day, but the letter was indeed addressed to me. Looking round, I saw similar letters in a few of the other pidgeon holes. Maybe we had all been chosen for something? Still, I had kept my wits about me (we've all heard the stories of those vile assassins), and examined the letter closely. A small white powder seemed to be leaking out the side. I carefully carried the letter back to my room for further inspection. More of the white powder was inside. I safely disposed of the poison, inside there was a letter, signed Kathryn Hosking (Kate). A felt a sudden chill run down my spine as I realised what could have been.
MC REN out yo, got anthrax'd by Black Mamba. Yellow-belly biatch better
face me down when I'm with mah homes, because as a person of Afro-Caribbean
descent I am hugely insecure about my social standing and am only willing
to confront risky tasks in the presence of several of my physically brawny
companions.
Disclaimer (an actual one, not the assassin of that name) - the Guild does not uphold the views/prejudices of its members...
It is my understanding that Mr William Brooks asked Mr Laurence Watson to show him his gun, and then proceeded to shoot him, believing this was allowed. In fact, as I pointed out to him, the rules are quite clear on this point:
As Police, you cannot kill an Assassin who is not on the Wanted or Incompetence Lists unless they are making an obvious and direct attempt on your life, in which case you are permitted to defend yourself.
For pure comedy value, Mr William Brooks is now corrupt.
Having seen the name of my fellow on the incompetent list, I immediatly came up with a mischevious scheme to put an end to his sad and murderless life. Being on the incompetent list, something I am halas not proud of, I was also in perpetual danger, and this had to be quick. On Saturday night, I went hence where the target lived with comrades of mine, and entered the house with an absurd ease - still upstairs, the target had no idea of the betrayal of his housemates, who had just let a murderer in. Sneaking in one of the rooms, I quickly managed to find there a suitable weapon, in the shape of a gun-labelled hair-dryer. Hidden behind a wall, I just had to wait for the naive Carmelo to come downstairs to accomplish my evil deed... Things were made easier by my comrade who called him. Hurried steps in the stairs. Bang. Carmelo Medina was no more.
In a night of much merriment, one learns many new names.
However, one name in particular I knew I had heard before. It was none
other than Rich Miller, the infamous assassin, who's own kind had turned
against him only a couple of days earlier. The harsh reality of the
world around me had taught me, I had to earn the respect of these
assassins for them to let me live. To allow me to survive. I knew what
had to be done. My heart was racing. I reluctantly drew my weapon. 'Bang!'
Silence filled the street as I contemplated what had happened. I knew I
had done what I had to. What I should. But I couldn't help but wonder
how. How did we get to this point?
The midday sun rises above the cold aurora of the city center. Through the
thin streets wanders a silent marauder, a renegade shadow with an aim to
kill. He steps off the street next to the abode of Scott Kathrein and drops
an indescript letter inside, and then melts into the crowd.
His appointments done, Disclaimer wanders back to his target's abode. He
has one singular idea in mind - to confirm his kill. Buzzing the door, he
eloquently convinces a flatmate to let him in and introduce him to his
target. As he descends the stairs, Disclaimer draws a cleverly disguised
banana gun and shoots the victim in the chest, splattering blood on the
walls and sending the cartridge bouncing across the hallway. As the corpse
hits the ground, the assassin can already smell the effects of Peruvian
Rabies. He has killed a dead man, but at least now he is sure.
Being the good space monkey that i am, I have ended Simeon 'Bad monkey' Bird's reign of terror, proving myself to be an uncorrupted officer...
May as well keep my college clean :)
Everything has an effect on everything else around it. It is not easy to trace one line through the pattern of infinity, but in this case, I have.
I, Timothy Bazalgette, apprehended the incompetent Thomas Bramall with a knife to his chest after he made the mistake of opening the door to my accomplice.
Yo bia*ches, that Mo'f***er Eazy E got up in my face one time too many so I
p*pped h*s bl*ck *ss. Th*s is the w*rd of Dre. *** * ***** **a ***ing **g ***k* ar***. **i*** * ** ****
It is my duty to inform you that this very evening, on the twelth stroke of midnight, the incompetent Lucas Perez Trujillo was stabbed in the back by myself in a dark alley within (censored college). I hope that this would herald the beginning of a killing-spree.
This morning, when exiting the breakfast hall, I was viciously stabbed in the back by (censored). The whole experience has traumatised me and makes me unwilling to wake up in time for breakfast in the future.
Watching John Lapinskas as the lecture ended I stealthily followed him outside as he chatted to his mate no noticing me his blood brother in disguise. Approaching him I quickly pulled my knife and thrust it into his chest. He then turned around and started quoting that my weapon didn't look like a knife. I showed him my knife even showing it had a label with knife written on it. To which he said oh and I then stabbed him a few more times for good measure. He still didn't realise my identity which I then revealed to him as I departed leaving him to die honourably.
The assassins are the elite! Those who fail in their duties don't deserve the honorable title of assassin. And so click took it upon himself to hunt down the underserving. After visiting many and being met with silent, locked doors, he finally came upon a young lady in Queens, who was not cautious enough when opening her door. She looked so sweet he was almost sorry, but deep down he knew she deserved the clicks of the band gun that brought about her demise.
Having negotiated the fiendishly complicated doorbell system at Lucy Cavendish, I was let in by a friendly inhabitant after cunningly pretending to have a packet of Jaffa Cakes to give the victim. When Ms ANNABEL BANKS opened her door I incapacitated her using said Jaffa Cakes and proceeded to shoot her. She seemed to think that the Jaffa Cakes were a fair exchange for her life, so everyone was happy.
Yes, I am still alive. No, I'm not police. Yes, this does mean I can shoot you. In fact, I just did.
Pumpkin pie all over the common room...what a mess!
Tristan Kalloniatis is dead.
I had only just found his room when his door opened, revealing his
surprised face. I had my RBG in hand, so pulled the trigger, thinking to
claim an easy kill. Seemingly, he thought this as well, but then the bloody
thing jammed, causing us both to beat a hasty retreat. I pulled out my
trusty dagger, and waited...
Presently, his door opened again, this time for a grenade to come out. This
only added to my arsenal, and when he came out to have another go, his
weapon was returned through the door to blow him to bits. Could have been
easier...
Alice was getting ready to go out when a movement behind her caused her to turn around. 'Oh!' said Alice (in a very English accent), 'it's the White Rabbit!' 'I'm late, I'm late, for a very important date!' said the White Rabbit. 'Me too!' exclaimed Alice. 'We can go together' she said. At 10pm precisely, Alice and the White Rabbit fell through the rabbit hole and ended up in John's. With a quickening heartbeat, Alice realised that she was in the vicinity of the abode of one of her targets Rachel Filar/Ray, and what's more, she had found a friend who she knew was also a friend of the target. HER LUCK WAS IN!!! Under the pretence of going to talk to the target about guitars, the friend took Alice to the target's room and introduced them to her. Upon hearing the target's name, the White Rabbit became enraged and flung himself at the target, infecting them with Rabies and Myximatosis before violently savaging them to death and giving them fleas for good measure.
Alliances mean nothing. At 0930hrs a chill crept over me as i contemplated my incompetance status that would come about if i did not see off another assasin by tomorrow morning. Self preservation is all. I saw Mr. kaifei yu (Prince of Darkness) chatting idly, without a care in the world, just metres behind me. I dropped back a few steps and casually joined in the conversation. Unaware, he continued talking until i pulled out my pistol and shot him through the heart in one foul swoop. He fell to the street with anger in his eyes due to my betrayal; i just stepped over his corpse and continued on my way.
Hammertime.
Edd Burgess was not door answering
Orlando de Lange was out
Rachel Filar/Ray is in F9 Cripps Court (there is no F9 main) (she is also now dead - Umpire)
Hunter Williams is near to Churchill
Girton is too far away without a bike
Konrad K Dabrowski reports: I went hunting incompetents with William Brooks at 6ish today, but they were all lame and refused to even open their doors and say hi.
The Colonel stabbed in the back (literally) by fiersome traitor Anna Louise Kalorkoti. Full army memorial service taking place at the end of the game.
Upon the eve of October 24th, I found myself dining in Formal Hall at Jesus
College. In the course of conversation it was revealed to the man across
the table that I was an assassin, and I discovered that he was one
likewise. Drawing him into conversation, I managed to extract from him the
fact that his pseudonym was The Colonel, that he had made 6 kills - mainly
of incompetents - and that he considered all incompetents living close to
him (and most emphatically those in Jesus) to be his targets. He was also
unwise enough - perhaps under the influence of cheap wine - to reveal that
he was currently unarmed.
When I stood to depart from Hall, he did likewise, and as we walked outside
the assassin-related conversation continued. Who exactly counted as an
incompetent, and thus (if they were close) a target for him, I asked.
Anyone on the incompetence list at the time, he replied. Since I myself was
on the list at the time, this made me - by his own former admission - one
of his targets. I revealed this fact to him and, as I concluded that if he
was targeting me I was legally permitted to kill him in self-defence,
plunged a knife into his back. He appeared to ignore this, so I stuck it
between his ribs to make sure he had noticed his death. Thus ends the life
of The Colonel.
Dear Mr Umpire
This evening, Simeon P. Bird B.A. Hons. (Cantab.) (the late late Chief of Police) and I went to
visit the naughty boys and girls of Pembroke and Kings.
At 21:55, Edd Burgess wasn't in.
At 22:03 and 22:06, benny talbot and Roman Sztyler also did a good
impression of not being in. Possibly by not being in.
At 22:20, Edd Burgess was in the Pembroke Bar! Using an assassin's
innate ability to blend in to crowds (even ones which consist entirely
of drunk female freshers in formal-wear), we crept up on him unnoticed.
When in range, I struck out, and left him dead, hippopoto-mauled on the
floor, his pint left unsipped on the bar.
At 22:30 we went and lurked for Giles Reger, spending half an hour or so
in his kitchen before getting bored and going home.
Warmest regards,
Violet D'-
Holoboon Weaver, and his pachydermal pal
I have just had a most dramatic evening. Returning to my room after a very long day (36 hours long), I decided to lock and load the super-soaker and go out and hunt down the notorious miscreant, Philip Bao. What a surprise, therefore, when I met him on the stairs holding a pen with 'knife' written on it! Then the look of malice in his eye all became clear- I had tried to shoot him after hall today, only to find I had forgotten my gun. Anyway, flashback over, I started to fire jets of room temerature water at his fleeing figure, none of which had an effect. I pursued him out of the building into the courtyard, where I stumbled upon some unsuspecting guests from Oxford. While i explained the rules of our game to them, a friend thought it would be funny to restrain me with his umbrella from behind. Perturbed, I began to fire the gun off at random and probably killed some Oxonians. My friend and I then continued to pursue Phil to his room but found it heavily fortified and impenetrable without specialist siege equipment. Dagnabbit!
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