The Assassins' Guild - Week 1 News
The Assassins' Guild - Week 1 NewsJake killed me after my first trip carrying punt joust food from room to car. Unfortunately he also killed and somewhat confused my innocent friend...
I was actually killed at 11.20am. Time of report is wrong.
Gollum, Legless and Gimli went a-lurking in Mordor and Mirkwood but all of the Orcs were unresponsive or away from home... boring... *gollum*
Lurked for Chris Doman, Jake, Adam Rowell, Talan and George Davies. Chris Doman even left his door open, but they were all either out or not answering.
He is not dead as *you* know it. He is with us always.
Thomas Wootten killed me by The Simple Expedient of a face full of water
I noticed that Mike Zero Foxtrot Foxtrot X-Ray was on my list of naughty people, so I payed him a visit. Some other people were trying to kill him when I arrived, so I finished the job for them WITH FIRE.
I would like to suggest that some of your friends learn the difference between myself and a wall, the latter of which they fired a remarkably large number of times at.
Later in the night they also shot at a tree a bit too. Will Cambridge ever be safe ? p.s. We didn't run away, we tactically retreated.
ZOMG! H4X! Irbaotaj is obviously sploiting!!! I entered teh room and LAAAAAAAAAAG!!!! by teh time my b0xx0r had recovered, three bullets had found thier way into me, despite my m4d sk1llz and i DIED!!! IMBA!!!!!! Fix now pls!!! DarkLordFlatulenceZOMGLOLm4dpwnijsk1llz0rzLaserGunPewPewPewPewROFLCOPTERr0xx
So here I am, chatting to some friends (non assassins), when there is a knock at the door. Strange, as everyone who we invited was already here. I, correctly, thought it may well be me they were after rather than the owner of the room. Before I could protest one of said friends tells the mystery knocker the door is open. Wasnt my room so what could I do! Have my gun ready to dispatch said mystery knocker and end this foolish attempt on my life, thats what i could do. Irbaotaj
There are those who call me..... Tim was also on my list, so I visited her too. Someone went into her room in front of me and warned her, so my associates left, and I waited for about 5 minutes, at which point she left her room and was destroyed with some more FIRE.
Things having not yet calmed down after a previous attempt on my life (I was still searching the room for bands), K knocked at the door to see what all the noise was. K was promptly shown exactly what the noise was about. Irbaotaj
I hunt for Boz I search for Lmm I hunger for glory But find Raccoon
Wait a moment...it seems the timing's wrong! I'm writing this at about 00:20 17/06/06. And I had thought my early death occurred at about 22:15 16/06/06. Not sure if that kill counts :S
I am almost certain that you had killed me (and then died) at around 10:15. I think The Paedofinder General has got the times wrong.
It's an issue with the auto-umpire. The default event time is being given in GMT not BST. We'll have to remember to check/change the time when we add events; something myself, Phil Bielby, and quite probably some other players have overlooked.
Unfortunately, Tom had only died at 10.15 rather than 9.15 as the autoumpire seemed to be claiming, and was thus still dead at the point the Paedofinder-General shot him. This seems a reasonable opportunity to point out that some people have had trouble with the autoumpire timings, which seem to be working in GMT in some cases and BST in others. Until this can be rectified, submit your events with the time you think happened, and if it displays incorrectly, let me know as soon as possible so I can fix it. -The Umpire
Saturday morning, during my post my ball nap, I dream that a strange man enters my room and apologises. Only a day and a half later do I realise that this may be connected somehow to my inexplicable death count.
The Pirate Punt Wars happened this afternoon, and much fun was had by all. All participating assassins have been awarded a small non-transferrable points bonus to reward them for turning up. Stay tuned for more chances to grab points through minigames throughout the week.
Gardies... Assassins? BOLT! Think Investigate Gardies! Aha! Follow Catchup Snowball Miss Supersoaker Kill Pursue Die GARDIES!!!
While it's incredibly impolite to embarrass your friend by knifing him in the back, in front of his mates, it's also highly entertaining.
For the second time in as many days, I burst into K's room to find a still-warm corpse*, which is most vexing. Therefore I offer a bounty of two packets of cheap, nasty and possibly-stuck-together sainsburys basics chocolate digestives for the next player to kill OMG! WTF??, doubled if the killer is Mike Zero Foxtrot Foxtrot X-Ray, and independently doubled if I am the next player to kill them after this. This may also be collected by supplying me or Mike Zero Foxtrot Foxtrot X-Ray (in which case both you and he receive biscuits) with information leading to his demise. Lmm
QRZ?
Not a furry, honest
OK You're 5 by 9, 5 by 9.Not a furry, honest, Mike Zero Foxtrot Foxtrot X-Ray
5 by 9 as well, 5 by 9. What's your name?
Thomas Wootten. You?
Michael Donaghy. QTH is Trinity
Gotcha. Mine's Tit Hall. So what is the plan?
I want you to kill OMG! WTF?
OMG! WTF?? You mean Rev?
Affirmative
Maybe. QSL?
Direct please
OK 73
73
Hungry...
Oh, come on - some of those are easy to get into.
I mind the house while the Master is away.
I was very stupidly unarmed and now feel very silly.
Jake, you fagboy.
1. Go looking for Corky
2. Spot Jacob Samuel Corteen
3. Charge at Jacob Samuel Corteen with water pistol
4. Fall over
5. Watch as Jacob Samuel Corteen picks up bigger water pistol
6. Shove glasses back onto face and run away at Speed 6.9
7. Get chased around a bowling green by Jacob Samuel Corteen
8. ????
9. :(
Someone knocked on my door claiming to be Matthew Garrett. Not being a complete noob, I replied "nice try".
Sorry, Corky.
Me and friends decided to pay The Brick a visit. We knocked on the door. He opened it. This was a mistake, a fact he acertained by The Simple Expedient of getting shot. He conteplated this mistake for several seconds, before dropping down dead.
Unreliable bodyguard...she really shouldn't need to be briefed not to let in two suspicious looking guys with no intention of paying the entry fee.
Send men to summon Woorrmss!
Men were sent. No worms came. Jake might have done, we cannot be sure.
CF was last seen retreating in the direction of Burrell's on bleeding leg stumps. We surmise he died of blood loss en route.
Burrell's Field was last seen retreating in the direction of CF. It is inanimate, and therefore could not have died of blood loss.
There was no fire in the disco, although a red glow may have been seen above W staircase. It is believed to have been a burning appendix.
The kill count:
The Paedofinder General killed Evil Atheist Conspiracy.
The Simple Expedient double-killed with CF and Azzy.
Three Fat Women on a Trapeze was on a rampage, killing The Paedofinder General and Manos, the Hands of Fate..
Azzy and CF retreated to Burrell's, while Stephen McCann sent a telegram to the New York Times.
We decided to lurk Christ's to kill Three Fat Women on a Trapeze, who was in Ed Heaney's room with Evil Atheist Conspiracy and Stephen McCann. We failed miserably to achieve this, and in fact all died, although not before achieving total carnage. Firstly, any attempt at subtlety failed when Stephen McCann found out that we were there (a fact that he ascertained by The Simple Expedient of observing The Paedofinder General hiding badly) and warned Three Fat Women on a Trapeze. Stephen McCann then proceeded to ring every assassin in Cambridge and inform them of our location. Meanwhile, The Dance Commander and Evil Atheist Conspiracy came out. The Paedofinder General killed Evil Atheist Conspiracy, while Three Fat Women on a Trapeze stayed hidden in the corridor outside Ed's room. We had a brief stand off, which ended with me gaining a stump where my arm used to be, and Jake still alive. CF and Azzy and Azzy and CF (who was already dead) were then spotted outside by The Dance Commander. I walked down the stairs and had a brief fight with CF and Azzy which resulted in me being dead (a fact I ascertained by The Simple Expedient of being wet). CF and Azzy and Azzy and CF then attempted to 'tactically retreat' to Burrell's, but this attempt was scuppered when CF and Azzy's legs fell off due to excessive wetness, and he died. The battle then continued for a while, with Three Fat Women on a Trapeze killing The Paedofinder General (and still failing to be dead), and finally Three Fat Women on a Trapeze and Manos, the Hands of Fate. agreed to a duel, which led to Jake killing Simeon by Man's God-given genius of supersoakers.
This morning I was awakened by what seemed to be a soft knocking noise. I quickly discovered a locked toilet near my room and spent the next hour and a half lurking it.
It was empty.
Profit.
Dear Jake,
I'm in ur base killin' ur d00ds.
Yours sincerely,
Richard
All of Petmaf? At once?
Not quite.
I shall endeavour to do better next time :)
Oh yeah. I killed an innocent too.
The persons who died were:
The Manic Gerbil,Cesy,Smeagol,Heavyness and Philosophicles.
In his haste to bring his victims to justice, The Paedofinder General has massacred an innocent and will be penalised accordingly. The autoumpire has prevented this from being recorded in the PetMaf massacre event, where it actually occurred...
As I was musing upon certain philosophies I had encountered upon my travels, I was attacked by a large hulking man twenty feet tall, and armoured all over with murderous lasers. This was somewhat unnerving, but, after fighting the length and breadth of the corridor, and a thrilling swordfight, I was victorious. Proving once again that nothing is impossible to Science.
lol.
Having not quite suceeded in massacring all of Petmaf first time around, we returned to finish the job. The remaining 3 were duly exterminated, alsuren by The Paedofinder General, Doc by The Dance Commander and I'm afraid this is going to be an understandable mistake by Manos, the Hands of Fate.. Thus, the score stands at 8-0 to Shielamaf.
The Dance Commander commands a dance!
The Paedofinder General with alsuren!
Manos, the Hands of Fate. with I'm afraid this is going to be an understandable mistake
!The Dance Commander with Doc!
Sheila to the left!
PetMaf to the right!
All join hands...
PANIC!
Pwned!!1!
In a short seige on my room, assisted by DarkLordFlatulenceZOMGLOLm4dpwnijsk1llz0rzLaserGunPewPewPewPewROFLCOPTERr0xx, I shot dead Not a furry, honest
DarkLordFlatulenceZOMGLOLm4dpwnijsk1llz0rzLaserGunPewPewPewPewROFLCOPTERr0xx, for wanton violation of a peacetime discussion you may now count yourself as one of my least favourite people. I wish you many slow and painful deaths.
Mr Rowell, you have attracted the displeasure of The BARDS. You will live to regret this. Have a short day.
Someone tried my door this afternoon, so I stood on my balcony and threw knives at him till he went away. Much comical chasing around the college ensued but we never managed to be on the same floor at the same time. I did however gently stab a suspicious looking innonecent, who along with his friends were stationed at suspiciously strategic points and were later seen fraternising with the enemy. I think. Fraternising with someone reasonably similar to few glimpses I got of the unknown assassin.
Make that 10-0. After a bit of hunting, we decided to return to the Peterhouse garden party to kill the (newly resurrected) members of Petmaf. However, we met Cesy and Cesy on the way in, who were quickly dispatched by The Paedofinder General, leaving him with 8 kills of Petmaf members in one day.
Cunningly shot Heavyness as he loiteredabout on the lawn in a typical lazy peterhouse fashion. I questioned a nearby innocent on the location of the assassins who were with him only a moment ago but received only a faint gurgling. In hindsight shoot first, ask questions later is maybe not the best stategy for this game. I shall be more careful in future.
Look! I used subtlety!
Yes you did! Well, as subtle as walking down the street brandishing a shotgun can be...
It is the height of politeness when a man opens a door for his assassin.
Persistence does not pay. Giggity giggity... allll right!
Took a peep through Bobscratch Goldfarb's window to see if he was in. He was. He had a gun.
I make lots of kills, I make more kills than you
I drive around the May Balls, that's what I was born to do
And I might like you better if we fought together
If it's not to be then know that I got somethin' better for ya:
Naked pictures of Michael Wallace
Naked pictures of Michael Wallace
Naked pictures of Michael Wallace
GO!
Despite Mike Zero Foxtrot Foxtrot X-Ray being 20ft tall, and having the power to re-program himself to fire lasers from his eyes, I managed to kill him, although he did take out one of my arms in the process.
Knew I should have gone with proton cannons...
I was surprised, because Austin was twenty metres tall, breathed fire, and possessed the ability to read minds. But I still shot him.
So, Taranaki has a car...
Who's that at my door? And why is he wielding a rubber band gun? Hmm... so many questions. So little time. But wait... my neighbour opens his door. Perhaps, while this man is distracted, I can give him a "warm welcome"... What's that, I'm dead? Rats.
... And you know that my suit cost more than your house. Well, it did if you're homeless.
I died by The Simple Expedient of being stupid. My thoughts went something like "Hmm, I wonder, is that Felicity?" "I'd better not get my XP out just in case it isn't." "Oh shit, I'm dead".
QRZ???
A bounty of 80 Bourbons (presumably the biscuits rather than members of the Spanish royal family) has been offered by J Doe for the heads of Twinkle Toes, Michael Leal and Ben Weaver for the heinous crime of "not having interacted yet". For giving away the location of a live player on IRC while dead, a bounty has also been placed on Ed Heaney. The next person to kill him will receive a points bonus proportional to how wet Mr Heaney gets. -the Umpire
I only had my Police Academy 3: Back in Training special issue rubber band gun. They had bigger, better weaponry. So I thought it best to continue hiding and apologise profusely for the resulting lack of entertainment.
Oops, rather bad timing there. However it was rather amusing to annoy Phil, Simeon, Ben and Jamie who were walking into Churchill as we returned, along with a rather large amount of weaponry! Hurrah, I'm popular! :D
I should really stop picking on this guy.
If we're going to be drawing 2-2 against Sweden, how are we supposed to beat Germany, Argentina or Brazil?
The reactionary pig Twinkle Toes was betrayed by his own comrades and we found him, unarmed and unprotected, watching bourgoius DVDs. Our elite revoloutionary combat team opened fire and he was left for dead. However, his body was never discovered and the right-wing newspapers claim that he survived with only a wounded arm. Truly this is a dark day for our glorious cause, comrades.
He jock it made of steel,
eats sushi from a pail,
Jet Jaguar? Jet Jaguar!
He mother never really love him,
He crimefighting covers up a basic insecurity.
He dickey covers up an adams apple the size of a toyota.
He basically good-hearted but he'd like to smash that kid against a rock.
Knock! Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
His head looks like Jack Nicholson,
Don't smile like that, it will stay that way,
YAHMMMAAHOAAHOAAAUGH!
(Don't touch my bags if you please, Mr. Customs Man).
A bounty has been placed on Phil Bielby for the crime of "horribly wasting that psesudonym without even a single good report". Everyone who kills Phil Bielby will receive one lager. There will be extra lager for those who get him wet and get video/photographic evidence. Non-alcoholic drinks are available if your preference lies that way.
-The Umpire
Our Glorious Leader has fallen in a front line battle against the mercenary thugs of the ruling classes. A new Glorious Leader will be appointed by the People's Council in 3 hours time.
Pre-arranged transfers of points are not allowed by the rules, no matter how soon before the event the transfer was arranged. A points bounty has therefore been placed on each of George Davies and Phil Bielby. As previously, the bounty will be greater if they get significantly wet, but you will still gain points for killing them no matter what the weapon.
-The Umpire
I had Bigger Issues to attend to, hence I did not see Three Fat Women on a Trapeze heading my way until it was too late. PS: Kill was at more like 18:15 IIRC.
"What's that I see? A free item? Hoorah!" ... E-mail: "Come and get it from 33 Market Hostel." "Market Hostel, you say? How fortuitous!"
SheilaMaf own. During a slight battle of SheilaMaf (Von Stalhein, The Dance Commander, The Simple Expedient, The Paedofinder General and Carson of Milton Keynes.) vs. CF and Azzy and Three Fat Women on a Trapeze (with a dead Azzy and CF watching), Carson of Milton Keynes. crept up behind CF and Azzy and Three Fat Women on a Trapeze and shot them in the back. That is all.
Von Stalhein - Earth!
The Dance Commander - Fire!
The Simple Expedient - Wind!
Carson of Milton Keynes. - Water!
The Paedofinder General - Heart!
By our powers combined, we are... CAPTAIN SHEILA!
Upon sighting hordes of barbarians in front of me, I acted more upon instinct than intelligence. I did the only thing I could do in the circumstances; I reprogrammed myself to become twenty times my normal size and stamped upon them until they died.
I was dancing at the June Event, acted a little exuberantly, and sent 11 knives flying out of my pocket, landing at the feet of a number of dancers, causing minor, non-lethal, cuts and grazes. Oops.
Knock
Wait
Leave
Mike Zero Foxtrot Foxtrot X-Ray also lamely hashed up the timestamps yet again. This was at 12:10pm Wed 21st June.
OH CRAP! I messed up the timestamp YET AGAIN! Damnit! This was at 15:39 Wed 21st July. Anyways I was at the Sedgwick Club Garden Party and saw a lady go past carrying a water weapon, so I ran up behind her and stabbed her in the shoulder. Unfortunately she wasn't an Assassin.
Four out of five scientists agree that Jake smells of wee.
Michael Wallace is twenty metres tall? Gadzooks!
Hey little furry with your tail dragging on the floor
You could have a kill or two in every college you go
But you remember what you said to me
That you are nothing without me
Cuz I invented the Game
Yeah I invented the Game
In my laboratory using THE INTERNET and SCIENCE.
Well, it was worth a try. Phil could work on brushing up his observational skills methinks, given that despite knowing exactly what both myself and my car look like, I drove literally right past him and stared somewhat unsubtley at him, without being noticed... Completely unrelated, but thankyou biscuit fairy!
Taranaki: Have at ye!
The Dance Commander: Excuse me, The Paedofinder General, do you know the time?
The Paedofinder General: Yes, The Dance Commander. It appears to be hammer time.
The Dance Commander: It is always hammer time.
The Paedofinder General: Indeed.
The Dance Commander: Charge!
Taranaki: I appear to be dead.
Ana Dugdale reports:
Dearest Umpire,
Today a great joy befell me. I had the privilege of shooting Philip Bielby.
This pleasure was only lessened by the fact that I wasn't playing. However,
he did appear most upset and his one minion (Mr. Simeon Bird) shot me. I
was most upset that neither of them seemed to know my name.
Nick Plummer reports:
Today I think I saw Phil Bielby. An artist's impression is attached:
www.srcf.ucam.org/assassins/philip.jpg
OMG! WTF? was late for dinner, but the Three Fat Women on a Trapeze were not. Michael Wallace is twenty metres tall, but Christian Fletcher Warran breathes fire from his eyes! SheilaMaf perform a tactical retreat into the land of the dead (near Burrell's).
... and he looked so disappointed when I shot him. And he actually WAS with an Evil Atheist Conspiracy (by which I mean Cambridge University Atheist and Agnostic Society).
The Umpire has discovered he was misinformed about the incident in St Johns yesterday afternoon, and that George Davies did at least put up a token fight before being killed. Thus the initial points bounty placed on the heads of Irbaotaj and The Paedofinder General has been removed.
However, the new information available to the Umpire has revealed that a couple of small rules violations took place which were not originally taken into account. Thus, for deliberately annoying a player they knew to be asleep, there is a small points bounty on the heads of The Paedofinder General and Simeon Bird. The bounty on the head of The Paedofinder General has already been claimed.
For using a water weapon in a no water zone, Irbaotaj is docked 10 points.
The Umpire would also like to take the opportunity to remind people that it is specifically stated in the rules that the purpose of the game is to have fun.
-The Umpire
For failing to recognise the Umpire at Knives in the Dark and getting stabbed by him, Michael Donaghy is awarded a small points bonus. He is awarded an additional small bonus for being the only active player to have turned up.
There are workmen working on the ground floor of my staircase (the outside-ish bit). Although not mentioned in the rules, it is probably sensible for the area to be considered out of bounds when they are present, as they are unlikely to be best pleased with being hit by hot lead, cold water, or ambient temperature rubber bands while attempting to construct our temporary plodge. I appreciate this makes room-raiding me a little problematic.
I could send the dits and dahs
And hear the hams in France
While walking down the road
I could save a load of dosh,
And spend it on posh nosh
If I only knew Morse Code
So my DX could be better,
and my wattage would be lesser,
(now where's my dummy load?)
I could CQ on 5 watts
And get some pile-ups
If I only knew Morse Code
We're off to see the Wizard
The Wonderful Wizard of Oz
We hear he is a Whiz of a Wiz
If ever a Wiz there was
If ever, oh ever, a Wiz there was
The Wizard of Oz is one because
Because, because, because, because, because
Because of the wonderful things he does
We're off the see the wizard
The Wonderful Wizard of Oz
dit dit dit
dah dah dah
And a couple of QRZs
That's how we call the bands all day
In the Merry Old Land of Oz
woop woop woop
beep beep beep
And there ain't no QRM
That's how the hams contest all day
In the Merry Old Land of Oz
Ding-dong the sun's spotty
Which old sun? The local sun
Ding-dong the sun has gone spotty
Get out you lazybones
Check the fuse, and power up
power up the sun has gone spotty
The ionosphere is lit up bright
CQ CQ CQ
Yo-ho, let's open up and call and pack the bands out
Ding Dong' the merry-oh, get on high, forget the low
Let them know the sun is now spotty!
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