The Assassins' Guild - Week 6 News
The Assassins' Guild - Week 6 NewsDear mssrs Plummer; Bielby, Met his Grace, the Duke of [college] this morning. Most amicable fellow. Sawed off my hand by way of greeting, but one has to make allowances for the aristocracy, you know. They are not of our mould. And what is a little psychotic eccentricity when matched with such mastery of etiquette; affability; social panache! His Grace was civil enough to forgive my o'er hasty attempt at duchicide. He even forgave my spurting blood all over him from my new stump. He is the embodiment of noblesse. J. Rubenstein, Esq.
Staggering from the maelstrom of his twisted bedsheets, the Duke stumbled across his vaguely perceived chamber and poured great cataracts of icy water onto his befuddled brain from a pot kept by his wash basin. Terrible, haunting visions of daemons pursued him from his broken sleep. Such was the price of sorcery.
Shortly afterwards he armed himself and set out from his room, eager to seek solace from his horrendous experience. A sudden motion, a dark figure and a sense of imminent violence; the Duke paused not for thought and merely acted upon instinct, slicing his assailant's hand clean off, gun and all. As the latter collapsed in agonised anguish, the Duke calmed his racing heart and retrieved the hand, discarded the weapon and, using his healing powers, reattached the limb. Magic at least had some positive uses.
Both shaken, the Duke bowed and introduced himself and a discussion followed. Truces and trysts were discussed. Maybe an alliance shall come from this...
TRUNCHEON - The Newsletter Of Cambridge University Constabulary
Advice to citizens: do not carry objects that look like weapons
The TRUNCHEON editorial team recently heard from a member of the Constabulary, specifically none other than the infamous Tom Wootten, that a man was seen leaving a lecture theatre on the morning of Thursday 23rd November carrying in his hand what appeared suspiciously like a knife. The suspect's identifying features include his wearing a bandana tied over his head. Unfortunately, PM Wootten was unable to see the object closely enough to be completely confident it was a dangerous and illegal knife, rather than an innocuous writing implement. Thus, we are relieved to hear that he exercised some discretion rather than exhibiting trigger-happy behaviour, and allowed the suspect to leave, unharmed but not unnoticed.
TRUNCHEON advises all citizens not to openly carry either weaponry, or objects that could readily be mistaken for weaponry.
Steven Shenton came to visit at 2pm. My neighbour said someone suspicious was around so I hid when he knocked on my door and another neighbour explained I was out. When I received confirmation that he was walking downstairs I fully armed myself and ran down another route to meet him at the bottom. As he saw me entering the building drawing a gun he started to flee. Alas bullets kill from both directions.
Observations:
If you call someone over 20 times he will pick up his phone.
If you are standing the corner of two one-lane roads (say for the purposes of argument, Warkworth and Adam and Eve) and you see a car coming from one direction, you have a greater than 0.50 chance that another car is simultaneously coming from the opposite direction.
Adam and Eve St. runs parallel to Eden St. runs parallel to Emmanuel St., which turns splits into Jesus Lane and King St. Hmm...
Amos Micah How doesn't need dinner. Fear of assassination is his food? Either that or he's stockpiling for the possibility of nuclear war.
If you are inco or wanted and you've just fulfilled the redemption conditions, be on your guard for a couple days afterwards to let the information get onto the website and filter into everyone's systems.
Dearest Umpirity, Today I received another slight against my honour. The noted incompetent and all round slacker, Amos Micah How refused to fight me in a duel. After ringing repeated doorbells to try and gain access to his establishment, one of his room mates poked his head out of his window. Recognising him from a previous attempt I decided to go for the obvious route and stated my aims. He told me Amos was not in and could be found in the bar.
This proved to be false as a shaggy haired fellow leaned out and proceeded to fire one rubber band very inaccurately in my general direction. He then refused my offer of a duel. What kind of person is he, a Man or Amos!
I waited around for a bit but the person who entered the house wouldn't let us in.
Yours
Dishonoured for Seven Generations,(and Once more) Shadowlord Mk II
Ooh, an elaborate, extravagantly complex game of cat-and-mouse!
They're my FAVOURITE types of extravagantly complex games of cat-and-mouse!
Bwahahahaa! >:)
I shot the innocent Bryony Baines MA too, and I bang killed the other innocent Chris Field MA! My evil knows no bounds! I think I shot Jake Corteen and Adam Hall too, but they are less innocent. Oh and I shot the innocent Ben Weaver too, and Simeon Bird, before he joined the police. I even reported it, although no-one picked me up on that crime.
I've been shooting live players and police all game too, but I'm allowed to do that, and I healed them all up afterwards (well, most of them).
So in summary:
Me = Evil
The Umpires report:
We so evil. So, some rules about attacking us:
Our rooms are not out of bounds, but only for this purpose. Players cannot shoot other players in our rooms.
If you shoot us:
If we shoot you:
If you make an attempt that fails, but don't get shot by us:
So. I was going to go for a curry with Charles Curry, Lauren Grest and Michael Patrick Wallace.
I saw the flaw in this plan immediately. This caused me to leave early, and lurk the routes that I thought Charles Curry and Michael Patrick Wallace would take. After about 15 mins I decided that this was not working, and carefully headed towards the agreed rendezvous point.
Lauren Grest was waiting there, so I shot her. I then saw Charles Curry and Michael Patrick Wallace a short distance away on the other side of the road. I also saw that they had seen me.
Had I not been quite so immortal, I would have chosen a different course of action, but as it is, I walked towards them on my side of the road, and then charged across the road, drawing a pair of RBGs as I went. They pretended not to notice, and then drew an RBG and a killer Raccoon. At this point I considered my situation once more, and opened fire. They did the same. The conclusion was a large pool of blood on the pavement.
Apparently, while I had been lurking for them, they had been lurking for me in my toilet, and hence had taken a different route to the rendezvous point :(
The elven lord
was most depressed
his target's bones
weren't laid to rest.
Another day
another time
he would return
with dreadful rhyme.
To not be where one is expected once may be seen as prudence. To do it twice looks like discourtesy.
Another Glorious Victory for the Empire!
The Bones of the traitorous Stephen McCann lie rotting in the mud where they belong! He foolishly relied upon the weapon of a cowardly Ferengi; it was no match for the weapon of a warrior! Statistics is a woman's subject, and has blunted his wits, and his aim! Let there be feasting in the halls of Stovokor, for the Klingon Police Force has a new Chancellor! Let there be merriment in the streets, and warriors wrestling bears for pleasure! Let the House of McCann be stripped of its lands and its seat on the High Council, and let his name never again be spoken among us.
'ej IM-ta fey DE-ja 'Iw
jaj Simeon Steve "Boom Boom" McCann mIgh HoHchu'qu'DI'
Damn you, Raccoon!
Well, that was interesting, Vimes mused. Not many chases were so comical, or ended so easily, with the criminal realising he wasn't actually armed and giving up. It all helped to bolster the figures, but on the other hand it meant another report to write. Vimes sighed and reached for his battered notepad.
I shot Nick Plummer and Michael Patrick Wallace... and I know i'm already dead, but i was told i'll get a prize. :D
The Umpires note:
Although already dead, Stephen McCann wins a prize for his attempt because he is special. This should hopefully encourage other special people to make attempts on the evil us.
Foiled again.
TRUNCHEON - The Newsletter Of Cambridge University Constabulary
Corrupt PM Wootten fails to recognise Nick Plummer
The edtiorial team at TRUNCHEON have recently received information suggesting that PM* Tom Wootten is not only corrupt, but also lacking in knowledge of Cambridge's luminaries. While at the pre-dinner drinks for the Sedgwick Club's Christmas dinner, PM Wootten was wholly unaware that Nick Plummer, famous geologist and Umpire, was also present. As PM Wootten was mingling, he carelessly approached Mr Plummer, who suspecting a possible attack, cleanly stabbed PM Wootten. PM Wootten was reported as somewhat bemused at being killed, and even more bemused to find himself healed.
Tom Wootten remains alive and at large. However, this incident suggests his elimination may be easier than previously thought.
*Police Metastable. Not Prime Minister or Mapping Project.
I used my cunning ability to look like a respectable member of the public to jump Tom Wootten when he least expected it. He was openly bearing a compass-clino kife at the time...
Daniel Craik is dead. If there were any mafias in Cambridge, I would describe the event almost as the headshot execution of a no-longer-favoured mafioso.
Apparently any allegations that might have been made, were there mafias in Cambridge, were not to be believed. Sorry Dan...
Lynched with no hearing, this is the punishment for the crime I was accused of. I hope it saddens my executioner to know that an innocent man died tonight. At 9pm I was innocently going about my innocent business when I was set upon by my former ally Sarah Donnelly. Apparently I'd betrayed the mafia. I place a bounty of hobnobs on the head of James Uffendell for the dealing of false information. The bounty will decrease as I get hungry. I shall return.
>:)
At last. In the final week of my last ever game (honest). I have been opening letter with gloves and poking them with sticks (in the days of letter bombs) for the last 2 and a half years, and I've never received a thing for my care. Now someone finally sends me a suspicious letter. Admittedly a very, very obviously suspicious letter, but I'll take what ever I can get. Is it poisoned? Is it "exciting"? Is it in fact totally innocent? I don't know, because I'm not touching it until after I'm dead. Some other way.
Well, I suspected he was on his way, I heard him coming up the stairs, I had a gun in my hand, and I still only managed to get his hand before he shot me :(
It is really not my day. He back-stabbed me later when we were playing TA as well, the fiend :(
I did shoot Ben Weaver, Ed Heaney and Mike Preece (who then stole Simeon's gun and shot me in the face a few times), so that is some consolation.
Roleplaying gets you killed.
The Umpires note:
Although Felicity shot an innocent during the initial altercation inside the pub, her redemption conditions were set at 1 legitimate target. She achieved this during the following duel.
Also, please remember that pubs (and small pub beer gardens) are no water areas, for the sake of the public.
Memoirs, the twenty-fifth day of this eleventh month of the two-thousand and sixth year of Our Lord
To-day I had the simply splendid honour of the company of my most esteemed companion, (Count Montferrat) for a most pleasant evening. We satisfied our hunger and thirst in a quaint little establishment, most comfortable, in the company of simply charming people, salt of the earth. Not of one's own breed, but with a goodly manner about them.
Having assuaged our bodily needs (and filled ourselves most enjoyably with good port), my colleague and myself departed on a quest, nay a crusade!, to rid the world of Judan scum. Our goodly intentions were in vain, however, as the villain we sought used his malign powers to escape our grasp.
Keen to bring to fruition our plans to bring good into the world, we searched for our beloved friends (Nick Plummer and Philip Bielby) for a jovial chinwag and social drink. Sadly, they were absent too.
(Count Montferrat) and myself parted, as ever, on good terms, eager to resume our acts of righteousness shortly. What fun! what japes! what gayness!
Yours, as ever, oh diary,
Duke
The Duke (an associate of mine) and I, Count Montferrat, took tea in the college of Queens. Banter and witticisms were exchanged, the good Duke entertained me with his tricks, and the evening passed pleasantly. The funny thing was, we completely failed to bump into that chap James Nicholas Uffindell. Another time perhaps.
I can honestly say that I didn't expect anyone trying to shoot me to use three non-player accomplices to do so. He woke me up too :(
My simian friend Sebastian, myself and three goodly priests from my province took it upon ourselves to exorcise the ungodly demon that, we reasoned, had most certainly penetrated the depths of Philip Bielby and Nick Plummer's psyches and turned them into the criminal monsters they have become.
Alas, our attempt to cure Mr. Plummer was thwarted at the first hurdle; the gates to his mansion were firmly closed and while Sebastian could scale them with ease, the rest of us were less acrobatic.
Mr Bielby proved less elusive.
The priests positioned themselves outside his door, Bible's at the ready, while I knocked. Presently Mr. Bielby stumbled to the door, half-asleep, in the middle of the evening... what further proof of his insanity could we need?
The priests began the readings of sacred passages but before they could utter more than a few words Sebastian, who had spotted the devil beneath Bielby's flickering half-lidded eyes, leapt forward, clung on to Bielby's shoulders and throat with his hands and feet and bit Bielby's eyes out, then reached into the bloody socket with his lithe arm, pulled out the blackened brain and promptly ate it.
We left quickly, shaken by the experience
Count Montferrat
Disappointed with the number of prizes I had given away, I tried to get one back by shooting Nick Plummer in Sainsbury's. He says I can't have one though :(
Lessons learned from Sam Vimes: 0. I'm marked incompetent (What better way to find out than to look for a person like that?) 1. The thing to do when you spot a licit target is to pretend the target is not there, walk over to a friend and loudly request a weapon, hide it behind your back in a deliberately obvious way, and then follow your target no more than 5 paces away from the room you can't seem to leave. Realize you have been seen outside of said room, and re-enter, forgetting all about the target. 2. Innocents make good shields. (Dang it Jagger! Or whoever you were!)
Lessons learned from Tom Wootten: 0. Trinity Hall and Trinity College are not the same thing. (Hey, at least now I know!) 1. Even if you can be heard a mile away talking about the most suspicious of things, you're not necessarily that easy to get.
Lessons learned from Adam Blacklay: 0. There are two ways to be a good assassin: A. kill lotsa people or B. Live in Burrells.
<fingers in ears>
la lala lala lala lala lala la
Gar-Loq needssss food... what thisss? Ssssimple transsssport deviccce... I ssssmell flesssh... let'sss find it!
*Cue cheery music*
It has come to the attention of the Central Committee that inactivity and cowardliness have once again become rife in the Security Services, caused by the actions of counterrevolutionary agents within certain of the State's colleges.
This situation clearly cannot be permitted to continue. The Committee would like to reassure the People that the situation is under control, and that the Internal Affairs division of the Security Services has recently made contact with one of its most notorious agents, an individual known to the world only as The Duke.
While he affects the manner of a bourgeoise class enemy, this individual is a true friend of the revolution and is now prepared to enact plans to eliminate the cowards, traitors and capitalist spies within the revolutionary armies and Security Services.
The Committee would like to reinforce that any citizen having any information as to counterrevolutionary activity should speak to their nearest Party representative immediately.
-The Kremlin
The Duke wandered along the backstreets, his mind blurred with ghosts of times past. Too much death, too many souls. How could the balance of the universe be restored with such turmoil around his heart?
Suddenly, a dark figure appeared ahead and made for him. The Duke rapidly drew his blade and struck... nothing but air. The figure swung around and disarmed him with supernatural speed, and then brought his own blade to his throat. Realising that the fatal blow was not going to be struck, The Duke calmed himself and challenged his assailant and his motives. This latter lowered his blade and, in a hushed voice, explained himself.
A long discussion ensued. The figure turned out to be a Security Services agent, whose position in the Forces did not allow him to carry out any active missions, but who wanted action to be carried out. He'd chosen The Duke as a spearhead for this action, and was prepared to enable him to be trained at a special Siberian camp. Realising his goals were the same as the Secret Services', The Duke accepted.
I did not see Jack Ruby on my travels today, though I suspect I will come across him soon enough. If I don't find him, maybe I'll find someone else trying to find him, or maybe someone else trying to find him while he's trying to find me. It's always disappointing when your target isn't where you want him to be.
Reconnaissance report, 35/21/2401 imp. cal.
Our troops fanned out across terrain. Informed and equipped, they sought our fugitives. These appear to have hidden themselves thoroughly. Recommend mass bombardment of their dugout as future proceedings.
General Incompetence, HII's forces
Go go go!
Enemy Spotted
Negative
I just followed a stranger round my house, but I don't think they were here to kill me. I just like to follow people. Whatever the stupid court says.
< Raccoon> Philip: Can I borrow your gun? < Philip> Sure. * Philip hands gun to Raccoon * Raccoon shoots Philip * Raccoon returns Philip's gun < Lolren> Philip: Can I borrow your gun? < Philip> Sure. * Philip hands gun to Lolren * Lolren shoots Philip * Lolren returns Philip's gun * Chasbo laughs
The Umpire notes:
The rules regarding the wantedness of the Umpires state that once you have been shot by an Umpire, you may not shoot them again without risking wantedness or corruption.
Patacoon :(
this Hock-in-a-box is off!
Dear Umpires, allies,
I regret to report that I shot an innocent last night. I got drunk and went to Cindies with plenty of rubber bands in the pockets. Then I got carried away when a friend was not obeying the song's command to put her hands up, put her hands up. And I shot her.
I would consider it remarkably poor sportsmanship to coast through to a duel being both wanted and incompetent. It is only through a gross perversion of natural selection, and the apparently forbidding location of my house, that I have survived thus far. I am afraid that I must therefore, with regret, forfeit my right to a duel. It has been a fun game, but there we are. At least I got Rob Frimston. I will shoot myself forthwith.
Hope this makes your duel organisation simpler, Umpires dearest, wicked though you be. Best of luck against Trinmaf, guys.
Amos Micah How AKA Jack Ruby
| Home || Email |
| News 00 || News 01 || News 02 || News 03 || News 04 || News 05 || News 07 || Updates || Headlines || police || wanted || inco || stats |