Cloak & Dagger The Assassins' Guild - Week 2 News

Thursday, 26 October

[09:40 ] Felix Aldonso killed Adam James Hall (Captain spandex), and then visited Thomas Peach, who failed to live where he had said he did

Thomas Peach has been made wanted for extreme stupidity. He gave his pigeon-hole number rather than his room number, and through this, caused an innocent to be coshed on the head.
He can redeem himself by killing two of his assassins, targets, or wanted assassins (in any combination).

Captain spandex reports:

As I left my room at 9:40AM my ninja senses immediately detected something was wrong. I ninjaed out of the way just before a ninja elbow elbowed my ninja face. I dueled with my assailant for several hours, destroying several small office blocks with my deadly ninja moves. Finally, I uppercutted my assailant so hard that I broke my hand and the only thing left to do was admit honourable defeat even though I could've kept ninjaing but had to go to lectures.

[11:10 ] 768, the number of the beast, well for 'beast' read 'Des Lynam' or something. I dunno, call the Police! pompt du pompt Olivier Bel (Finrolf)
768, the number of the beast, well for 'beast' read 'Des Lynam' or something. I dunno, call the Police! reports:

After an extensive look around the site I decided the best thing to do was to knock and see if I could talk my way into the room, luckily my response to "Hello" of "Hello" did the job. :)

[16:00 ] Michael Patrick Wallace went looking for the incos Joseph Darby and Thomas Peach, but instead found an innocent in the wrong room
Michael Patrick Wallace reports:

Dearest Mr. and Mr. Umpire,

This afternoon I ventured out in a hunt for incos. King's was my target of choice, previous visits being unsuccessful, I applied Edmonds-logic and concluded that at least one of the incos had to be in soon. After knocking on the door of a very in-sounding Thomas Peach, I thought I was to be rewarded for my persistence (and praying to the cosmic gods, or whatever they're called), but the person opened the door with their hidden, so my shots did not land. However, I stopped shooting when the occupant started shouting. Like a girl. This is forgivable since the occupant, it turned out, was in fact a girl, and I was indeed the second person to attack her that day. I apologised lots and lots, because I'm a nice assassin, and said I'd make sure it didn't happen again. Hopefully it hasn't, because I'm not sure how long her patience will last out...

I also stopped by the fellow on the 3rd floor, but he didn't open his door either. Oh well, this just means it's more likely he'll be in next time! (possibly)

I'm getting quite good at this terrorising innocents lark...

[16:50 ] The Fursecutor-General offended Happy the Wonder Cat's honour
Happy the Wonder Cat reports:

Dear Umpire

So The Fursecutor-General has problem with us furries, in that case I declare my war on him, he will die! I challenge him to a dual!

Happy the Wonder Cat

The Umpire notes that he would not think The Fursecutor-General a coward for declining, since Happy the Wonder Cat is a mere Police officer, whereas The Fursecutor-General is a mighty assassin.

[18:15 ] Sarah Donnelly exterminated Robert Crowston (Code Monkey), with a little help from Michael Patrick Wallace
Code Monkey reports:

I was brutally murdered whilst trying to sell my soul to Investment Banks.

Michael Patrick Wallace reports:

It occurred to me today, that I might one day not be a student, and might, gasp, have to find a job. To this end, therefore, I decided to see what the Land Economy careers fair had to offer. However, it seems I must have misread something, as upon arriving at the 'Centre for Mathematical Sciences' (perhaps this was a clue as to my error), I found myself in a room full of bespectacled, geeky-looking mathmos, trying their hardest to come across as charismatic to such groups as Aon and the Bank of England. Not very Land Economical at all, I'm sure you'll agree.

Cursing my apparent inability to read, I resigned myself to the long trek home, when I spotted Robert Crowston, whom I knew to be a target of a friend of mine. Excellent, thought I, as I recall her mentioning her intention to come to the very careers fair I was at by mistake, I figured she might even be on the way, so would be there soon. Super secretly slipping outside (no reception indoors, the llamas), I gave her a call, and soon she turned up. After persuading her to not head straight for the Actuarial Profession table (which I know she finds exciting), I pointed out her target, and she snuck in for a swift knifing. Woo.

So yes, it was fun, but if anyone knows where/when the land economy event is, could you let me know? Ooh, also, free jelly beans - om-nom-nom :d

Michael "I overheard someone trying to tell their parents about PhDs in an indian restaurant the other day, and they failed" Wallace, PhD

(PS I believe the fursecutor general owes me some stuffs for getting that larry the llama girl - it'd better be vegetarian, whatever it is...)

Sarah Donnelly reports:

Ooh, careers fair. I shall be sensible and impress the right people.

Wait... are those...


[munching noises]


Ooh! Target? I have a target? Yay! Killing rules! Where's my target?! Over there?! Squee!


[20:00 ] Nurse Bernard looked for Isabel McCann and Nuck, but they were both out

[20:00 ] Daniel Charles Craik went incohunting, got a bit too paranoid, and shot his own non-player accomplice

For stabbing his own hard-working accomplice, Daniel Charles Craik is placed on the wanted list.
He can redeem himself by killing two of his assassins, targets, or wanted criminals (in any combination), or three incompetent assassins, or some other combination that is deemed acceptable by the Umpires.

[22:00 ] Jacob Samuel Corteen shot an innocent for standing next to Christopher Kit Tagg (BOSS T), who he shot as well, and then went and did the wrong room thing with Thomas Peach

For shooting an innocent, (the one standing next to Christopher Kit Tagg), Jacob Samuel Corteen is made corrupt.
He can redeem himself by killing either three incompetent Assassins, or a wanted Assassin and an incompetent Assassin.

As Jacob Samuel Corteen shot an innocent in the room that Thomas Peach gave as his address, Thomas Peach's redemption conditions have now increased to three kills of licit Assassin targets, assassins, or wanted Assassins (not incompetent Assassins).

The Umpires note that shooting innocents is not a good thing, and request that players try not to do it.

Friday, 27 October

[13:53 ] The Duke destroyed Timothy Checkley (The Moth)
The Duke reports:

As the Duke couched, knife in mouth, on the rafters of the dingy hall, his keen eyes scanned the mass below. Surely this place, already the scene of one attack, would reap a target once more.

Then the foul Timothy Checkley, a traitor to the honour of his college, came into view. Quick as a swooping hawk, the Duke leapt from his lofty height and, his blades curving as talons, gashed his prey's back to the bone. As the poor soul fell, blood bubbling from his grimacing mouth, the Duke swooped away. Not one person looked around until the body hit the floor with a thump. By then, the Duke was long gone.

[14:00 ] Lieutenant Charisma Colin Love and Felix Aldonso looked for (name removed to protect the innocent), Kenneith HY Yong, Ng Yi Chung (who Colin Love stabbed) and Timothy Checkley (who was dead)

[14:35 ] Arthur Penhalagion looked for Louis, but he wasn't in (again)

[15:55 ] Charlotte Heron was a naughty girl
Charlotte Heron reports:

Today I shot two innocents...


I was a really nice assassin and even asked permission first.

I think I might go shoot more!


For shooting some innocents, Charlotte Heron is placed on the wanted list
She can redeem herself by killing three of her assassins, targets, or wanted criminals, in any combination.
The Umpires remind players not to inconvenience innocents by shooting them (although in this case, she asked nicely first).

Lucy Sandbach reports:

Dear Umpire,

While I was happily minding my own business and having just returned from Sainsbury's (with Lindor chocolate... Mmmmm...) I heard a knock at my door. Since my boyfriend was in my room at the time, I wondered who it was, but I went and answered the door anyway in a very un-assassin-like fashion.

There is a red-head dark figure outside my room. She, a Miss Lottie Heron, giggles, then shouts "BANG!" at me. Then she shot my boyfriend too. Then waved, still laughing, and ran off.

Apparently I am now dead at the hands of my best friend. But, even worse... my boyfriend's death is considered an act of war on the part of the Durham Assassins. Henceforth, noone in Cambridge will be safe.

I mean no-one.

Not even the umpires.

And especially not Lottie...

Lucy Sandbach & boyfriend

[18:30 ] Jack Ruby and his cat (PC Happy the Wonder Cat) looked for the inco Ali Kharrazi
Jack Ruby reports:

I have just got back from Downing. My cat (Seb Jefferies) and I were hunting the inco Ali Kharrazi. We strolled through Downing, trying (and failing) to ignore the beautiful architecture (look and learn, Robinson). So suspicious were we, in our mentions of toga parties and the various types of columns (my cat trying (and failing) to explain the differences to me), that some dude in sports kit starting acting most suspicously indeed, glancing over his shoulder, not once, but three times before stopping and loitering, heading dangerously close towards my cat. He disappeared from sight shortly after, but needless to say it unsettled us and reminded us of how seriously we needed to take things...

... for a few minutes. Then we started talking about Disney films and the vast amount of wasted space in Downing. Amateur Sports field? Do me a favour. Then I remembered I needed to top up my phone. So we walked along to the Singer building (bloody miles away - see comment about wasted space), a few paces behind some guy. He went into the Singer building. I complained that the topup lady always sounded so smug. The guy in front gave us odd looks. He went up the stairs. So did we. As it happened, there was only one door at the top of the stairs - which he had just unlocked and dashed behind. His peturbed looks seemed to make sense now. Realising we should have rushed this stranger on the really rather good odds he was Ali, we felt silly. Realising that he'd got a really, REALLY good look at our faces (and if he had good enough memory, learned my phone number), we felt like complete arses.

So we went to the Avery. Nothing like beer to perk one up.

No inco-kill. I guess we let Downing down.

Jack Ruby

[19:45 ] Daniel Charles Craik invited Shida Dong (Letheanmere) to a party
Daniel Charles Craik reports:

Tonight, I took it upon myself to invite Shida Dong (Letheanmere) to a party. The party was authentic however unfortunately for Shida Dong the messenger was not. At ~19:45 Letheanmere cautiously opened his door weary of an incoming attacker. His guard was lowered as he conversed with the stranger in his door-frame. Despite the menacing dark figure he became comfortable with his new surroundings due to the apparent friendly invitation. Daniel Charles Craik saw his foes lapse in security and silently sliding a pen labelled knife from his sleeve stabbed Letheanmere swiftly in the chest.

[21:30 ] Lurtz stabbed the incompetent Marcus Julian Carne King (Queen of Clubs) until he was quite dead
Lurtz reports:

Manflesh! Tonight the armies of Saruman the White feasted yet again on the bodies of the Men of the West - another one of the nine is slain and the advance across Rohan continues ever onwards. Soon we march against the strongholds of Edoras and Helm's Deep themselves! Mwahahahahahahahahahahhahaahahahahahahahaha. God I'm drunk

[23:30 ] That (name removed to protect the innocent) (Old Bull Lee) should meet his maker so soon? Inconceivable!
Inconceivable! reports:

I went to (name removed to protect the innocent)'s room. The key was in the door. I knocked and heard "come in." After struggling with the lock for a few seconds, I managed to open the door. Upon entering, I saw a person sitting at a desk and asked "Fred?". He said "Yes?", at which point I started firing at him. I stopped when his corpse crashed head-first into a door-frame and he collapsed on the floor, dead.


Saturday, 28 October

[09:00 ] Nurse Bernard looked around for Aphra Dowell and Nicholas Duncan, but neither appeared
Nurse Bernard reports:

I lurked for a time hoping the Jesus Lane incos Aphra Dowell and Nicholas Duncan would go either in, out, or both, for food and such. Alas neither turned out to be the case; I shall have to resort to camping across the street soon...

[13:30 ] Wolf hunted for Minette Hermitage (who would not open the door), and mxlemming (who wasn't in)

[14:00 ] Tom Wootten mutilated the corpse of (name removed to protect the innocent)
Tom Wootten reports:

Weapon shopping: 10 minutes
Locating the target's room: 2 minutes
Time taken for a bullet to travel from gun to target: fraction of a second
Playing in the Cambridge Assassins' Guild: Timeless

[17:00 ] Don't Be The Bunny looked for the evil Thomas Peach
Don't Be The Bunny reports:

Dear Umpires,
Today I went searching for Thomas Peach. Events happened as follows:

I went looking for Thomas Peach.
I did not find him.
I lurked for a bit.
I got hungry.
I ate a banana.
I realised I had just consumed my only weapon.
I swore.
I went home.

Don't Be The Bunny

[18:00 ] The Marmite Monster tried to omm-nom-nom Michael Patrick Wallace
The Marmite Monster reports:

I lurked all night for Michael Patrick Wallace, but didn't see him. He must be invisible.

Sunday, 29 October

[10:25 ] The University Of Cambridge wrote a strongly worded letter concerning Kenneith HY Yong
The University Of Cambridge reports:

Dear All,

Recently, one of our inspectors was able to gain entry to the room of a student of Christ's College, finding him absent. This poses a substantial risk of theft. We would like to take the opportunity to remind all students that it is adviseable to keep one's door locked, especially when absent from one's room. Most members of the previously pilloried Cambridge Assassins' Guild already appreciate the importance of this matter; while some of their actions are detrimental, it appears that in this matter, their advice could be worth following.

Yours faithfully,

Security Inspectorate,
The University Of Cambridge

[11:30 ] The Fursecutor-General tried to deliver justice to Daniel Charles Craik
The Fursecutor-General reports:

Dear Umpire,

And he said, "It is written that my house shall be called a house of prayer, but you have made it a den of furverts."

How is the mighty Trinity fallen! I approached that once proud college, now a den of furversion and iniquity. I crept in, clutching my trusty knife, raccoonsbane, to my chest. The stench was repugnant - I could feel that even now the Sensei of Yiff was drawing his minions to him and corrupting their blossoms of youthful innocence with his vitiated visual depictions of violated vertebrates. I left.

[12:00 ] A little man in a big coat tried to find Jack Ruby

[14:00 ] Felicity Boyce tried to find Helen Bernacki
Felicity Boyce reports:

Having managed the terrible climb to the inco's staircase, I made my way into her locked corridor with remarkable ease; helpful neighbours are wonderful things. Unfortunately incompetents who lock their doors are less so.

[15:00 ] The Polo Queen tried to assassinate Don't Be The Bunny

[18:00 ] A friendly Xanthocroid tried to find yeoth, and took a few pot shots at the corrupt Jacob Samuel Corteen on the way
A friendly Xanthocroid reports:

I just realised that Michael Patrick Wallace is the fugutive. This is because he is always on the run.

In other news, I defeated Jacob Samuel Corteen in an epic duel. I shot him with mind bullets. Sadly he didn't die. He did, however, lose an arm.

Next step: framing the fugitive. If only he were considerate enough to provide a signed photograph...

[19:00 ] Uiopas went for a tour of Cambridge, including the residences of Joseph Darby and Scott David Appleton
Uiopas reports:

On Sunday the 29th of October, I started the day with the goal of purging Kings and Queens of incos, to the best of my ability. Unfortunately, things turned out nowhere near so well.


Look like a tourist--that's it, take a nice picture and--drat, someone who recognizes me! Hide! Or not. ``Yes, hello hello, good to see you too. Yes, speak to you later. Bye.'' Now what was I here for again? Oh yeah. TO KEYNES BUILDING! Joseph Darby may have been in, but clearly no one else was. Blast!



Hmm, ``Closed to Visitors.'' Now how would I get in if I were a Queens student... The only available entrance seems to lead nowhere near the dorms. Now I really feel incompetent.


``Hmm, while i'm out here... Aha! Pembroke is nearby.''


So I decide to pay a visit to Scott David Appleton. Thinking ``AA'' staircase must have actually meant ``A'' staircase (and feeling rather less incompetent for this thought) I proceed to wander around for 25 minutes until at long last, I see there is, in fact, an ``AA'' staircase. ``Oh.''

Music from the room! Score! *Knock knock* He's looking through the spyhole. C'mon, look unconcerned, conceal the weapon of doom, smile and look down the hall as if...

...Open the door already! Darn. Wait. Wait.



[20:00 ] Kyramud hodayc (or just Kyramud for short) looked for the incompetent assassins Joseph Darby and Thomas Peach
Kyramud hodayc (or just Kyramud for short) reports:

Hunting incompetents is very very boring. Why don't they ever answer their door?

[20:45 ] Three for the normal players under the sky, more for the wanteds in colleges of stone, still more for incompetents doomed to die, One for the Umpires on their dark thrones in the Land of Caius where the Mafias lie. One Assassin to rule them all, One Assassin to find them, One Assassin to bring them all and in the darkness bind them, In the Land of Caius where the Mafias lie. sent a poisoned letter to The Masked Moose
The Masked Moose reports:

Dear Umpire,

Could you please pass on this note to all my would-be assassins. I will not fall for poison letters, especially those sent on a Sunday, with an imcomplete address, purportedly from a bank of which I am not a customer. At 20.45 today, my intelligence was once again insulted.

The Masked Moose

[22:30 ] Lewis Gregory James MacLachlan made an attempt with an unlicensed weapon (and killed a couple of innocents while he was at it)

For using a weapon not mentioned in the rules, without licensing it first, and shooting some innocents too, Lewis Gregory James MacLachlan is placed on the wanted list.
He can redeem himself by killing three of his assassins, targets or wanted criminals (in any combination)

The Umpires remind players to READ THE RULES, and that if a player wants to license a weapon not mentioned in the rules, we will often be happy to let you use it, IF YOU ASK FIRST.

[23:30 ] The Marmite Monster went on the prowl
The Marmite Monster reports:

I have spent part of the evening tramping around Cambridge, searching for prey. I found none, though I sighted a person who I think may have been an assassin - a suspicious bulge under the jacket may have indicated the presence of a gun, but I did not risk killing an innocent, and in any case they were probably not a legal target for me. I have been very paranoid recently - I jump every time I see someone put their hand in their pocket.

Monday, 30 October

[00:00 ] Michael Clarke stabbed Lewis Gregory James MacLachlan (Vigilante AKA ROTTEN MALIBU) for bearing

[01:30 ] Michael Patrick Wallace tactically retreated from Daniel Charles Craik
Michael Patrick Wallace reports:

Ah, a Twinity Wanted! Such a fiend must be removed lest the reputation of the college be tarnished by his misdoings!

Hmm, someone outside his room, I'd better make a tactical retreat!

But wait, someone is following! zomg, etc.!


[11:00 ] Jonathan Wright attacked Michael Youtsos with a weapon not allowed in the rules

For using a weapon not allowed in the rules, Jonathan Wright has been placed on the wanted list.
He can redeem himself by killing three of his assassins, targets or wanted criminals.

The Umpires would like to remind players to READ THE RULES. The rules clearly state what weapons are and are not allowed. They also state that if you want to use a weapon not mentioned, you must clear it with the Umpires BEFORE USING IT.

[11:00 ] How do you poison a werewolf? Silver Cyanide. ^.^;;<||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||>

[13:49 ] The Duke made his mark, Isabel McCann (Louis), and said goodbye to her
The Duke reports:

The trading post was bustling with people; passers-by rushed around stands, with merchants clamouring their wares and general pandemonium dominating. In the midst of this maelstrom, a quiet maiden threaded her way about, seeking but a small morsel to eat. None would have suspected her soul was tainted, her heart cold. None, that is, other than an equally cruel creature, one whose eyes even now scanned her visage for any sign of weakness.

The Duke stepped out from his cover and casually strolled up to her, his cloak swirling in his wake as he went. A casual greeting, followed by small, polite chatter - all while focusing his mind on her thoughts, using the eyes as a channel. As her defences dropped and her mind blurred, the Duke slipped his dagger from its hiding place and slid it into her breast, embracing her as he did so. Not one person noticed as she slid gracefully to the floor, aided by the Duke. He swivelled on one heel and vanished, calmly yet swiftly.

[15:15 ] Michael Patrick Wallace tried to find Martyn Fredlund, got bored, and looked for Kenneith HY Yong, but neither were in
Michael Patrick Wallace reports:

Oh, dear, dear, Umpires,

Despite being stricken with illness and work, I still decided to come and hide in your toilet for a bit. Then I went outside, and got cold :( So I went back inside, where it was warm :) but noisy :( So I went to sainsbury's and lurked for delicious food :d

Me so phearsome.


[15:30 ] Felix Aldonso removed the incompetent William Timmis (The Masked Moose)

[16:10 ] David Smith (A little man in a big coat) attacked Scott David Appleton, but ended up being shot by Scott David Appleton, thanks to a rather naughty ruse by David Gillespie
A little man in a big coat reports:

At around ten past four this evening, residents of AA staircase, Pembroke College were shocked to find the body of a little Assassin in a big coat on their corridor. The evidence points to the death being the result of a solo inco raid gone badly wrong, with the incompetent Scott David Appleton using the combination of a dead accomplice and a simple ruse to gain the upper hand. Police are advising all members of Pembroke to hide in their rooms and not come out until Christmas.

For assisting Scott David Appleton by claiming to be him, thus inducing David Smith to draw his weapons and confirm his intent, David Gillespie is made corrupt.
Maybe I'll let him redeem himself, if and when Scott David Appleton dies, but then again, maybe not.

[17:00 ] After using an illegal weapon earlier, Jonathan Wright went back and stabbed Michael Youtsos with a legal weapon

[17:00 ] The Smoking Gnu visited David Molony and Martyn Fredlund
The Smoking Gnu reports:

The Smoking Gnu, aided by subtle means, attempted and failed to raid David Molony by bureaucratic means, then lurked the room of Martyn Fredlund, who did not show up.

[17:30 ] A quick look for Lim Hoe Kit and William Timmis (I think). ^.^;;<|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||>
^.^;;<|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||> reports:


[18:00 ] Evil Genius Mark IV killed the incompetent police officer James Rainford

[18:30 ] Lady Mustapha Ponyweather killed Meng Li (delirium)

[18:30 ] Baxter looked for the evil Daniel Charles Craik
Baxter reports:

I tried to kill Daniel Charles Craik today but failed due to not finding him.

Tuesday, 31 October

[08:50 ] Three for the normal players under the sky, more for the wanteds in colleges of stone, still more for incompetents doomed to die, One for the Umpires on their dark thrones in the Land of Caius where the Mafias lie. One Assassin to rule them all, One Assassin to find them, One Assassin to bring them all and in the darkness bind them, In the Land of Caius where the Mafias lie. shot David Molony (mxlemming) as he left the shower
Three for the normal players under the sky, more for the wanteds in colleges of stone, still more for incompetents doomed to die, One for the Umpires on their dark thrones in the Land of Caius where the Mafias lie. One Assassin to rule them all, One Assassin to find them, One Assassin to bring them all and in the darkness bind them, In the Land of Caius where the Mafias lie. reports:

'Incos!' cried Aragorn, springing to his feet. 'Few incos on wet feet are coming towards us!'
'Yes,' said Legolas. 'There is only one. He is very unparanoid'
Legolas drew his bow and shot the inco.
Aragorn smiled. 'Keen are the eyes of the Elves' he said.
'Nay, the inco was little more than five centimetres distant' said Legolas.
'Five centimetres or one,' said Gimli 'he is dead now, in this glorious college'

[11:00 ] Tom Wootten saw Jacob Samuel Corteen. Hijinks ensued
Tom Wootten reports:

* Tom leaves the Babbage lecture theatre and waits outside for Jake
* Jake doesn't show
* Tom deduces that Jake has left through the other exit, and goes to meet Jake
Jake: I'll wait here, while you leave.
Tom: LOL!
* Tom leaves, then attempts to hide behind a van to ambush Jake
* Jake sees Tom
Jake: :-)
Tom: :-(
* Tom enters the MSM tower, then exits the other side, and waits where Jake usually has his bike
* Jake leaves via a different route
* Tom gives up and goes back into the MSM tower to do supervision work
* Tom is dissapointed at having said supervision work, otherwise he would have asked Jake if he wanted to go incobashing

[11:40 ] Is Rishi Baveja around? ^.^;;<||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||>
^.^;;<||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||> reports:


[12:00 ] Abhorsen looked for David Molony

[12:30 ] Michael Patrick Wallace and Major Charisma Stephen McCann looked for the incos Laurence Watson and Kenneith HY Yong, along with some people in King's
Michael Patrick Wallace reports:

Argh, so many incos! 'Major' Charisma and I decided to try and deal with some. But none of them were in. Well, except Laurence Watson, who put up quite a fight (well, he opened his door a bit, and then shut it, repeatedly), and even tried to get info out of Steve "so, where do you live?" "oh, town" "where's town?" "oh, you know, it's that place next to Clare with all the shops" (I roffled, albeit super secretly lest he hear me). I don't think he knew I was there, which made me feel unloved, maybe...

Oh, and I went to visit Kenneith HY Yong, again, but someone fiddled with their fridge (maybe they were poisoning the milk?), so I tactically retreated home.

I feel ill now :(

768, the number of the beast, well for 'beast' read 'Des Lynam' or something. I dunno, call the Police! reports:

After meeting up with a distinguished friend, Michael Patrick Wallace, we went to go after incos.
If my memory serves, we went to King's first where noone answered their doors... which is disappointing... when are people going to learn to fight.


Then we went to Clare, which was fantastic, I had a delightful conversation with Laurence Watson through his door.
Inco: "Hello"
Steve: "Hello"
Inco: "Who is it?"
Steve: "It's Steve"

[so far so good, i'm lulling him into a false sense of security by mimicking a childhood friend of his]

Inco: "Steve?"
Steve: "Steve"
Inco: "Um, Steve??"
Steve: "Yes, Steve"

[i'm now beginning to suspect his childhood friend was more of a Stephen or perhaps had a horrible accident, went to New Zealand or something]

Inco: "I think you're here to try and kill me"
Steve: " :O "
Steve: "Oh, I can't believe... How could you say that?"
Steve: "That hurts me, it really does"

[and so begins and uncomfortable back and forth process of myself shooting the door, and then himself shooting the wall, Michael Wallace looked menacing!]

Inco: "Oh, I see what you've done there, I don't really feel like opening my door."
[Note to reader: Large section about us discussing whether or not he should leave his door on the latch has been left out]
Steve: "Oh, come on, then I'll have to come back later and it's so far to Clare from town."
Inco: "Where do you live?"
Steve: "Town."
Inco: "Where's that?"
Steve: "You know, the big thing beside Clare with all the shops."

[Oh, how we laughed.]

After a brief movement into his shower and a further couple of shots into his room, we left as I felt a bit guilty about lying to him about myself having an engagement at 1. I was trying to lure him out so I could kill him, I do apologise.


After that, we went to Christ's, which was much less exciting... We followed someone a bit but then we realised it wasn't the inco, and aside from that nothing interesting happened... nothing as exciting as what happened in Clare.

Laurence Watson reports:

Dear Mr and Mrs Umpire,
Earlier today Stephen McCann and Michael Patrick Wallace came to my room, Steve attempting to gain entry by knocking and shouting 'Hello, It's Steve.' then denying he was there to kill me.
A minor fracas ensued, consisting of rubber band guns being fired through and at my door.
Ten minutes later when I opened the door a crack another volley of bands came through at head height. Luckily I was crouching on the floor. Back-up was called, but the swines had fled before it arrived.

[13:30 ] Scorpius and The Tea-party Crasher found Alexey Pokrovskiy (The Spirit and the Dust), and Scorpius shot him
The Tea-party Crasher reports:

I accompanied Scorpius to Alexey's room in Wolfson Court where he was shot by banana. It was a little half-hearted as he explained he'd basically given up on the game.

[14:00 ] The Tea-party Crasher and Scorpius visited Nurse Bernard
Nurse Bernard reports:

A mysterious person visited me at 2 o'clock today; unfortunately they made the key error of knocking first! More fool them, as I had completely forgotten to lock the door in my ordinarily sensible manner :)

Needless to say I'm now stuck subsisting on biscuits until they get hungry and go home; a cruel fate indeed.

Nurse Bernard

[14:25 ] Arthur Penhalagion rode forth to find Robert Patterson
Arthur Penhalagion reports:

Arthur crawled into Grim Tuesday's workshop, his eyes casting about for the Second Part of the Will. The Grim's pride was obvious here - copied sculptures and other works of art adorned the walls, but nothing original, for that was the one thing the Grim lacked. Arthur started as one of the Grim's Grotesques passed just in front of his hiding place - they had the place well covered, and there was no sign of their master. Arthur retreated, hoping to find some advice from the Compleat Guide to the House later.

[14:30 ] It turned out that The Tea-party Crasher and Scorpius hadn't left Chris Smowton (Nurse Bernard) alone, and gone home
Nurse Bernard reports:

Alas! I tried to sally forth from my besieged room, but a mere pair of throwing knives were nothing to his entirely too automatic weapon.

Yours necroliphically,

Chris Smowton aka. Nurse Bernard

The Tea-party Crasher reports:

We proceeded to Churchill and Chris Smowton. We knocked at the door, but Chris just laughed heartily at our rather pathetic attempts at persuasion. Then the NSPCC rang me.... how unprofessional.

I waited about ten minutes for him to open the door a crack, then let loose with the rubber bands but to no avail.

After deciding a subtler approach was needed, we waited around a corner of the corridoor for about 15 minutes until we heard Chris sneaking out of his room. I jumped out, his thrown pen-knife bouncing off the wall to my left, and pulverised him with rubber bands.

[14:45 ] Maria looked for the evil Lewis Gregory James MacLachlan
Maria reports:

Dearest Umpire-entity, Do you think that Lewis Gregory James MacLachlan selected his residence purely for its proximity to a shop full of very pretty dresses, or is it merely coincidence?

[15:00 ] Lurtz placed a bounty...
Lurtz reports:

Middle-Earth belongs to Saruman! All others will perish!

Wormtongue has announced a bounty upon the head of the one calling himself:
"Three for the normal players under the sky, more for the wanteds in colleges of stone, still more for incompetents doomed to die, One for the Umpires on their dark thrones in the Land of Caius where the Mafias lie. One Assassin to rule them all, One Assassin to find them, One Assassin to bring them all and in the darkness bind them, In the Land of Caius where the Mafias lie" - the orc who kills this demon will be greatly rewarded with jewels! (And by jewels I mean Quality Streets).

[16:00 ] The amazing Jacob Samuel Corteen shot another innocent (oh, and he got the evil Charlotte Heron (The Process of Putrification has already begun....) too)
Please find me a witch doctor reports:

Do I *look* like the type to accost women in the street? Do I really?


The Umpires note that shooting innocents is a bad habit (and may annoy people). Therefore Jacob Samuel Corteen's redemption conditions have been increased (slightly)

[18:00 ] Daniel Charles Craik hunted for Diane Doliveux, Michael Clarke, Thomas Peach and managed to kill Stephen Davidson (SHD)

Wednesday, 1 November

[00:05 ] Three for the normal players under the sky, more for the wanteds in colleges of stone, still more for incompetents doomed to die, One for the Umpires on their dark thrones in the Land of Caius where the Mafias lie. One Assassin to rule them all, One Assassin to find them, One Assassin to bring them all and in the darkness bind them, In the Land of Caius where the Mafias lie. tried to poison Kenneith HY Yong
Kenneith HY Yong reports:

I should report a failed attempt to poison me by a certain Galadriel. I'm afraid poisons don't work a second time with me.

[11:00 ] Sam Vimes looked for Ben Copsey and Catriona Brown
Sam Vimes reports:

Constable Vimes trudged back to his depressing lodgings to reflect on his lot over a bottle of Bearhugger's Finest, his pursuit of justice thwarted by the simple obstacle of a pair of locked doors. It was so inconsiderate of some people, he mused, to wilfully obstruct the Watch in their duty to uphold truth, justice and a hard-boiled egg. Particularly the two incompetent Watch Officers in Downing College with whom he had been meaning to have a stern chat. As he sank into the familiar warmth of the synapse-numbing bottled gold he knew so well, he determined to try again another day.

[13:30 ] Please find me a witch doctor removed the inco Giles Reger(The Selig), who prefered food over death
The Selig reports:

With no great remorse I report my death

After hours, stretching into days, of struggling with myself, contemplating suicide due to the embarrassment of my own incompetence I was finally talked around by a friendly umpire and looked to embrace my life with new determination. Sadly that life was ended this morning. Whilst queueing to purchase food I spied a person I knew to be an assassin, and new my name, and nearly definitely new I was incompotent. There and then I had to make a life or death decision - do I leave the queue and make a break for it, preserving my own life, or do I stay and get fed. Well from my making this report what followed should be self explanatory. But never fear in another life, in another time, maybe even another world I shall be revenged (and get another of those lovely cakes)

The Selig

Please find me a witch doctor reports:

Apparently, he chose both cake and death.

[13:35 ] Three for the normal players under the sky, more for the wanteds in colleges of stone, still more for incompetents doomed to die, One for the Umpires on their dark thrones in the Land of Caius where the Mafias lie. One Assassin to rule them all, One Assassin to find them, One Assassin to bring them all and in the darkness bind them, In the Land of Caius where the Mafias lie. killed Kenneith HY Yong (yeoth)
Three for the normal players under the sky, more for the wanteds in colleges of stone, still more for incompetents doomed to die, One for the Umpires on their dark thrones in the Land of Caius where the Mafias lie. One Assassin to rule them all, One Assassin to find them, One Assassin to bring them all and in the darkness bind them, In the Land of Caius where the Mafias lie. reports:

One does not simply run into TYPEWRITER

[17:00 ] G.I. Bob visited Matt Taylor (Ninja Holocaust), who in turn visited the grave

[17:15 ] Colin Love looked for Nicholas Duncan
Shadowlord reports:

Stalked out side the house of Nicholas Duncan. Stalked after a bloke I think was him but didn't get the opportunity to confirm my suspicions.

Also people at Kings should open their doors when Reverse Trick or Treaters come round and offer them sweets. It gives the police a chance to kill them.

[17:30 ] Danny White (Lurtz AKA Your friendly Sainsbury's employee) decided to die, and The Duke obliged him
Lurtz reports:

I'd rather be dead than incompetent.
(But I'd rather be incompetent that at St John's)

The Duke reports:

The Duke paced in his tower. The arcane arts were not easy to master, much as he tried. He focused once more, trying to send out his mind from his body. This time he had more luck, and the disembodied soul wandered through his dingy domain. It went down some stairs... naturally enough... but then encountered a dark spirit, a being filled with some negative emotion. Was it lust? No. It was more malicious. Envy? No, there wasn't that bitter taste. He tasted former fellowship - treachery! That was the emotion, and it was coming ever closer.

He snapped back into the physical plain, and just in time. There was a loud knock on his door. He grabbed a cosh and his trusty knife, and slipped into the shadows. The figure outside waited a moment, then slowly opened the door and entered cautiously. Quick as a cobra, the Duke bashed the foul being on its head and let it slide to the floor before he dealt it a death blow.

No mercy, especially not for ex-comerades. He knew those damn brutes had been a bad idea. But now their leader Lurtz was slain, they should slip back to whatever foul pit churned them out.

The Umpires report:

Footage showing the death of Danny White has fallen into our hands...

[19:00 ] Is Colm Gerard James Seeley in? ^.^;;<||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||>
^.^;;<||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||> reports:


[19:00 ] Jellybaby looked for various incos

[19:25 ] Robert Patterson brutally murdered his neighbour Sabri Al-Safi (Scorpius AKA Malevolent Malediction), who was not a licit target for him

Please don't shoot people you know are playing unless they are a licit target for you.
For shooting his neighbour, Robert Patterson is placed on the wanted list. He cannot redeem himself.

[22:20 ] Inconceivable! killed the evil Robert Patterson(blackjack), for being incompetent
Inconceivable! reports:

Went to the incompetent Robert Patterson's room. Knocked and Robert opened the door slightly. I shot at the gap in the door and hit the wall. He promptly shut the door. Five minutes later, he opened the door again to see if I was there. I was.


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