Cloak & Dagger The Assassins' Guild - Week 2 News

Sunday, 5 February

[13:00 ] Blaise Martay, Chris Korek, Christopher Doman, Gabriel Wu Shiguang, Jamie Brandon, Jessica Allen, Johannes Nordstrom, Ross Edmondson, Stephen Mounsey and Thomas Fitch all became Incompetent and now appear in various shades of Pink.

These lovely people have all been added to the Incompetence List for being lamers and not doing anything all Game.
At present, they may redeem themselves from Incompetence by making 2 (brief) attempts on Assassins who are licit targets or by killing an Assassin.
Take heed.

[14:00 ] Tipton solicited Jessica Allen.
Tipton reports:

Dear Mr Umpire,
I Thought I would relate one of my recent doings to you as I believe it may be of slight interest. Today I payed a visit to one of my clients, after lunch, in order to carry out a lengthy inspection of their facilities. But when I approached my client to discuss certain important matters, they disappointingly seemed uninclined to talk. Perhaps I will have to call again at some more convenient time.

[15:45 ] The Most Incompetent Incompetent waved at Hilda von Einem.
The Most Incompetent Incompetent reports:

I rang the doorbell of Hilda von Einem. She opened her window and we had a brief chat, mutually out of range.

[16:50 ] Rhododendron followed Johannes Nordstrom.
Rhododendron reports:

In the dingy half-light of King's Parade I saw Johannes Nordstrom walking home with a shopping-bag not fifteen minutes ago. Realising that he may well be an incompetent I pursued his trail briefly but ran out of visual range at his college gate, whereupon he disappeared. A brief snoop-around produced no results, and I resigned myself to having let another one slip through my fingers.

[17:00 ] The Incobash: The Most Incompetent Incompetent ran away from Adam Baird Fraser who killed Jamie Brandon (Boris the blade), Tom Booth had to use all his Assassin prowess to kill Christopher Doman (Lambrini Girl), Charles Curry had difficulty staying on the right side of the law, before Tom Booth shot him too, Philip Bielby went Wanted and no-one killed Blaise Martay.
Avatar of an AutoUmpire reports:

I seem to have spent rather a lot of my Assassins career chasing people up and down West Road and/or Sidgwick Avenue. Unfortunately this time The Most Incompetent Incompetent got away, and Ross Edmondson wasn't in.

The Most Incompetent Incompetent reports:

The incobashing gang stopped by to visit me. I went outside via alternative exit, decided that I was outnumbered and outgunned and legged it. Only one of them seemed to pursue me, and I lost him in the Sidgwick site.

After wandering along Grange Road for a while, the Incobashers set up shop in Robinson, which yielded a kill at about 15:55.

Avatar of an AutoUmpire reports:

In Robinson I saw a naughty soldier wearing head dress indoors, so I shot him.

Stephen McCann reports:

I saw a fantastic attempt on Jamie Brandon in Robinson... at one point we had multiple people on every floor of the staircase, inside and out. Also, there was a back-up unit standing and watching. :D It was fantastic!

I spotted Jamie Brandon walking in... recognised him as I was told in the past that he was in the RAF (or some army divison). I told the people around myself that I thought it was him.

And the Chief of Police bravely followed him and dispatched him without any fuss.

We then moved to Fitz, to see what their infamous mafia could offer.

Tom Booth reports:

Aha! An inco! Clearly he's not that inco, since he's locked his door. And he's waving to us through the window. And... opening the window. And now he's dead.

Stephen McCann reports:

We went to Fitz also, where Christopher Doman cunningly tried to convince us not to shoot him by standing with his head out his window, offering no resistance. After a brief exchange of words. Tom Booth shoot him a bit. :D

A non-Player then proceeded to attack us with a water weapon. Charles Curry joined in this unsanctioned 'attack' and was swiftly dispatched by Tom Booth. The Umpire nobly defended himself but was then shot by Philip Bielby, somewhat less nobly.

Tom Booth reports:

Charles Curry and a non-Player seemed to think it would be amusing to have a water fight. I thought it would be more amusing if I joined in. And it would appear that some special boy has shot the Umpire. Awww...

We then travelled across the vast oceans and deserts, etc. to Histon Road. Blaise Martay resolutely failed to die. This may have been because most of the Police and even the notoriously phearless Michael Wallace were too scared to go in.

Stephen McCann reports:

We also, vaguely, made an attempt on Blaise Martay. Well, I say vaguely, meaning that I stood around and watched Philip Bielby shoot at her and her shoot back, for about 10 minutes until Blaise Martay got bored. At one point James O'Driscoll was approaching with a hamster (had it been posted to him?) but he decided against becoming corrupt... cuz he's nice like that. He's Irish too!

..and here are some more testimonials from those who tried our product:

Michael Wallace reports:

What a fun way to spend an afternoon! First off that mysterious Martin Lester seemed to disappear from the pub (how sneaky!) and then some chasing of The Most Incompetent Incompetent (although not really finding him again), followed by some fantastic subtlety in Robinson (lets all point and stare at the person we think is the target shall we?). Not to mention Tom Booth's l33t haxX0r assassinning skillz in Fitz, I was so close to throwing a raccoon over his shoulder, I really was...

Also, lol Philip Bielby =p

The Kremlin reports:


It has come to our attention that since the First Great Wave of Purification of several months previously, elements of Revolutionary society have become lax in guarding against counterrevolutionary activity.

It is the aim of the Security Services to ensure neighbour watches neighbour, that the People are on their guard against infiltrators and capitalists, that none with any other than complete Revolutionary fervor can exist within out workers' paradise.

Comrades, we must be vigilant at all times. It is our duty.

To this end, today the Security Services mounted a massive raid on nests of counterrevolutionaries across the city. Two such centres of criminals were cleansed by the weapons of the Services, others were driven deep into hiding as the might of the State descended upon them.

Comrades, our task is never done, and we must remain watchful of even our closest associates. This State must be at constant war to preserve its way of life against criminals and infiltrators, and any action that furthers this end can not only be justified, it must be carried out.

The Kremlin

Philip Bielby reports:

Dampest Umpire,

I must apologise for making you moist earlier. You were however bearing a large weapon, and so obviously I couldn't resist.

After leaving your mighty presence, I made an attempt on the life of that terrible inco Blaise Martay. After some investigation it was decided that she was waiting for us on the other side of her door. This was confirmed slightly later, when I returned to the vicinity of her room, and found the door open. I traded some shots with her (she was using a super soaker inside he 'no water' room by the way). She was informed that this was against the rules and returned moments later with an RGB. After both of us had wasted a lot of ammo (mostly me really), she said she needed to complete an essay, so I decided that this battle was for another day.

Well, I hope that you found that fascinating, Philip

Sarah Donnelly reports:

Let the records show I went incobashing and got close to both Christopher Doman (whom Tom Booth killed first, the greedy/closer to the target than me/less worried about the target's feelings at being shot while talking to us/psychotic sod) and Blaise Martay (who wouldn't open the door) today, but failed to make any kills.

I shall have my bloodening!


I worry about the high levels of sugar in biscuits these days.

Boris the blade reports:

Spent this weekend in a two day war against a team from UEA. I got back to my room having not slept since thursday night and was followed up the stairs by a someone holding one hand behind their back, asking if I was indeed [N20}. At the back of my mind I knew he was about to kill me and various cunning plans formed. Unfortunately the front of my mind was trying to fall unconcoius and between the two I managed a couple of seconds of incoherent mumbling before being embarassingly dispatched.

Martin Lester was there too, but he ran away...

An Agent of Posterity reports:

We are pleased to report a partially successful raid on those whom the Guild has deemed to have outlived their usefulness. Although The Most Incompetent Incompetent, Ross Edmondson and Blaise Martay failed to be dispatched, the raid was successful in sending Boris the blade and Lambrini Girl to join Posterity. His Umpiricalness also graced us with his presence, and was shot by Philip Bielby for bearing arms.

These events have been recorded for Posterity. All your penguins are belong to us.

[17:20 ] Philip Bielby killed James Paul Fisher (The Rotherham Ripper), redeeming.

Philip Bielby is now redeemed. The Umpire is now dry.

Philip Bielby reports:

Ah well, that makes two people from Fitz dead due to laundry.

[18:25 ] Tyrion Lannister displayed an unhealthy interest in Michael Leal's hand.
Tyrion Lannister reports:

A summons from my sweet sister, the Queen Regent,called me from the Tower of the Hand. Yet when I arrived, there was no-one there to meet me. When I returned, Shae was gone. Those responsible WILL pay.

[19:15 ] Guess what Johannes Nordstrom did?
The Most Incompetent Incompetent reports:

At 19.15 I had an encounter with some assassiny types in King's. I ended up accidentally shooting Michael Richards. He walk towards me with his hand (empty, but I couldn't see that in the dark) outstretched. I think he had it coming, but maybe it makes me wanted. Whatever.

The Umpire sadly shakes his head.
Killing an Assassin who happens to be a licit target will do, thanks.

David Birch reports:

Today, I was not sauntering along the Kingsway in King's college, as you don't. Not looking suspicious, or wearing a big black coat or anything. Honest. Not sauntering along with a large group of people known to have all been fairly decent assassins from time to time, who might not or might not not have been playing. I swear I wasn't. I certainly didn't pay any heed to the fact that our little coterie wasn't being stalked by Johannes Nordstrom, oh no. I must have been somewhere else. Johannes Nordstrom would never look paranoid. I definitely did not pull out a pen labelled knife, or display it clearly to him. As a result of not doing this, Johannes Nordstrom didn't shoot me, because I wasn't there. Honest, Umpire, it was someone else.

Also, since I couldn't have been there, I couldn't possibly have seen Johannes Nordstrom shoot Michael either. Michael didn't even gatecrash our game. The bastard.

(It should be noted that some of the above statement may not be accurate.)

[19:25 ] Plz_d0nt_Ki11_m3_I_Hav3_Fami1y Also killed a dude; more specifically - Thomas Fitch (Brak).
Andrew Clyde reports:

I have just witnessed an assassination.

I was in hall eating dinner (a bit of a waste of time considering i'm dead) when Plz_d0nt_Ki11_m3_I_Hav3_Fami1y Also sat down opposite Brak, who i had just learned was incompetent. I continued to mind my own business until there was a sudden kerfuffle. Both of them had risen to their feet and were pointing guns at each other. There was a moment of confusion, and Brak slumped to the floor, joining me as a victim.

Plz_d0nt_Ki11_m3_I_Hav3_Fami1y Also reports:

Right i went to dinner today. They served pie - steak and kindney i think. It was very nice. In fact the whole choice was delicios - roast pork, them round english bread type things(yorksires?), some wierd veggie dish. As I was saying, i went to dinner today, and moving to a seat spotted incompetant - "Brak"(usually known as "tom"). An oddly large number of people said "hi" to me as i moved to a seat 2 seats away from tom. Everyone had a slightly strange look in their eyes. Being the paranoid moron that i am, i got very nervous and twitchy and paranoid. Brak reached into his jacket. I pushed my seat back, sweeping out my gun. We both fired at the same time. Brak(being the incompetent(strictly in name) that he was) missed. I (being the marksman that i am) did not. Brak didn't (but nearly did) manage to get to the respected "Wanted" list, but now shall linger as a "Dead incompetent".

Brak reports:

I almost died of disgust when I realised I was an incompetant. I actually died of severe blood loss shortly afterwards.

[22:45 ] Johannes Nordstrom tried to mistake Avatar of an AutoUmpire for a licit target.
Avatar of an AutoUmpire reports:

Johannes paid me a visit today, I was rather chuffed. Unfortunately our encounter was inconclusive, but I'm sure we'll run into each other again soon.

The Most Incompetent Incompetent reports:


*sigh* Killing the CoP has always been one of my aims, and I think I blew my best chance yet tonight. At about 22:45 I was snooping around outside Avatar of an AutoUmpire's staircase when I saw him and Lauren approach. I hid behind a corner, then ran out and shot at him. I couldn't see where the bands went, and I was probably out of range anyway. Then we snapped off a few shots at each other before deciding that it was pointless to have a firefight when we couldn't see whether we hit or not anyway. Bleh.

I then visited some of his subordinates, but unfortunately they all seemed to have locked doors. Oh well, at least I some exercise.

Monday, 6 February

[04:30 ] I think the beta monster went looking for Chris Korek and Ross Edmondson.
the beta monster reports:

beta monster

[08:45 ] She Who Must Be Obeyed killed the eeevil Charlotte Heron (The Ever-Rotating Washing Machine of Fate. Watch as your lives spin into mindless oblivion, around and around, getting cleaner as they go... *Insert £1.20 here*). Poor Lottie.
The Ever-Rotating Washing Machine of Fate. Watch as your lives spin into mindless oblivion, around and around, getting cleaner as they go... *Insert £1.20 here* reports:

It is with great regret that I must report my demise, which occured at approximatly 8:45 this morning. I was heading towards the New Museums site fairly early with the intention of killing Blaise Martay. Tired and slightly preoccupied with thoughts of the possibility of being lynched on Wednesday by 85 angry Newnhamites (long story) I crossed the road by Fitzbillies cake shop. Just as I was reaching the other side I hear a screaching followed by a crash of a bike falling to the floor. I turned around expecting to see a poor crashed cyclist on the floor with his bike mangled on top of him, intending to help. Instead I saw a crashed cyclist wearing the most lurid day-glow yellow vest (in the daytime?) standing above her fallen bicycle weilding a RBG, firing elastic bands into me and looking smug. Falling off your bike in rush-hour traffic to get to a target. Smooth, very smooth.
Nice to know that whilst the Chief of Police is at least willing to give me time to try to redeem, his minions aren't. How very sporting... (I could have killed Blaise twice this morning too, if I hadn't been dead). It's also a bit boring. But no matter, different people find different things interesting it seems.
Some people always have to spoil the fun.


The Umpire would like to reassure Players that all the Wanteds are being hunted down with equal prejudice.

She Who Must Be Obeyed reports:

It is with a moderate amount of smugness that I can report the demise of an eevil wanted criminal. Waiting in the stationary traffic by the pedestrian crossing near Fitzbillies, I suddenly spotted Charlotte Heron on the pavement. Not wishing to waste such a golden opportunity, I quickly retrieved my RBG from my bag, hopped off my bike, went over and shot her. Having returned her somewhat sour good-morning, I stowed my RBG, picked up my bike and waited for the traffic to start moving again.

I would also like to point out that the whole point of fluorescent (or "day-glow"[sic]) clothing is that it makes you more visible in the daytime. At night you need reflective gear. I will grant the vest looks fairly ridiculous, though.

Oh, and the CoP did WHAT?

Wikipedia, Fountain of all Knowledge, has this to say:

Blacklight paint or blacklight-reactive paint is paint that glows under a blacklight (a source of light whose wavelengths are primarily in the ultraviolet range). Under daylight, the ultraviolet light ordinarily present makes the colors especially vivid.
Blacklight paints are always fluorescent. More rarely, they may also be phosphorescent, containing a phosphor that continues to glow for a time after the blacklight has been removed.
"Day-Glo" is the trade name of the original product.

So there you go - they're meant for use during daytime, although I was under the impression that 'DayGlo' was the name of both the company and the product.

[13:00 ] Sarah Donnelly served up Talan Le Geyt (The Devil's Butler).
Sarah Donnelly reports:

Saw The Devil's Butler walking away from a lecture. Followed The Devil's Butler in the crowd*. Stabbdeded The Devil's Butler with an appropriately blood-coloured knife.

*This is not easy to do when the crowd consists of two short Asian girls and a cyclist with bad balance.

The Devil's Butler reports:

The post of The Devil's Butler shall be filled by his son, as is traditional.

The Kremlin reports:


Further to yesterday's announcement it has come to the attention of the State that levels of vigilance have failed to improve. Individuals found to be harbouring criminals, or aiding counterrevolutionaries whether wittingly or not, will now be sent for immediate re-education.

-The Kremlin

[16:00 ] Ed Heaney went some way towards explaining why all the Assassins were being lazy and not shooting one another.

Heaney showing off again

[17:00 ] Cool Kids Can't Die. Jessica Porter (Will Parry AKA Yoda) suddenly doesn't seem so cool.
Cool Kids Can't Die. reports:

Two lessons to be drawn from this kill:

1) The suspicious guy who's been wandering around trying to look nonchalant for the past half hour really is there to kill you.
2) No matter how careful you are about letting pictures of yourself escape onto the internet, there's not a lot you can do when a friend addresses you by name within earshot of a suspicious guy who's been wandering around, trying to look nonchalant for the past half hour, trying to kill you.

Yoda reports:

Dead I am. Pissed off I am. The force was strong with that one.

[17:40 ] Avatar of an AutoUmpire mercilessly pursued Johannes Nordstrom and Ross Edmondson.
Avatar of an AutoUmpire reports:

Today I wandered around West Road/Grange Road/Sidgwick Avenue hoping to bump into either Johannes Nordstrom or Ross Edmondson.
Unfortunately they weren't about.

[17:45 ] Johannes Nordstrom bravely battled addiction.
The Most Incompetent Incompetent reports:

I entered Janet Scott's room and in a display of great restraint shot only the female occupant. Unfortunately it turned out that Janet Scott lives in room 9 and not room 12, so my targetting was only 75% accurate.

We didn't think Johannes Nordstrom would manage to do it again, but he did. Redemption is now 2 kills of Assassins who are licit targets.

The Legendary Philip Bridge reports:

Je sais que c'est tres difficile de trouver la nombre 'neuf' a Trinity Hall. Je devrai sais, j'ai fait la meme erreur.

[17:46 ] Newsflash regarding Wanted criminal, Johannes Nordstrom!

It has come to our attention that Johannes Nordstrom is one of the most dagerous and fearsome criminals in Cambridge today.

He has engaged in multiple homicides and has mercilessly attacked Police Officers in their homes. As a menace to society, he is now Cambridge's 'Most Wanted' and any brave soul who eventually kills him will be rewarded with an entire pseudonym as part of our Vigilante Protection Programme.

He has also been known to operate under the alias, The Most Incompetent Incompetent. Be vigilant!

[18:55 ] Johannes Nordstrom killed a licit target! Thomas de Rivaz (A dead assassin) was less impressed.
A dead assassin reports:

It is now true :'(

[20:30 ] Samuel Laurens Borin made an attempt on PoisonMelon.
Samuel Laurens Borin reports:

I lurked for PoisonMelon for 1 hour. Disappointed, I left a poisoned notice and left.

Assassins are asked to exercise especial care when creating 'Special' Letters as such things may easily alarm the public, given the present climate.
In particular, you must include the disclaimer as described in the Weapons Rules and you should be familiar with the Rules as a whole and aware that they apply throughout your time playing the Game.

Tuesday, 7 February

[08:50 ] Bishop Colenso administered the Last Rites to Michael Conterio (Tyrion Lannister).
Bishop Colenso reports:

Today it was imperative that Tyrion Lannister should die. He did. I lurked with an unnamed accomplice outside Trinity at ~8:35, at ~8:50 he emerged, spotted me and started running. Then started walking. Then was shot as I emerged from behind a parked lorry.

[17:31 ] Robin Message (Nihil tam absurdum dici potest ut non dicatur a philosopho.) discovered that Simultaneous jugulation and defenestration of licit targets causes persistant blood stains.
Nihil tam absurdum dici potest ut non dicatur a philosopho. reports:

Today, I was not aware of someone walking up behind me in the lab, despite:
a. Having my back more or less to the wall.
b. It just going 5:30 and thus being legal.
c. They had already been in and I had looked at them suspiciously.
d. A knife being stuck in my back (okay, so I noticed then, but it was a bit late.)

And in conclusion, I am not Maz.

Simultaneous jugulation and defenestration of licit targets causes persistant blood stains reports:

A vision of blood filled my eyes as I entered the computer room. There he was. The man I was here to destroy.

I made sure not to look directly at him, since everyone knows that this is how 'they' gain control of your mind. Out of the corner of my eye I saw him look at me in as if he knew the thoughts inside my mind. I told myself that this was impossible and I sat down at a computer facing towards him, but with other computers in my way.

I looked at the clock. It read 16:29. I realised that the high powered forcefields across the windows that would prevent me from killing him in the manner I so desired were still switched on. "Foiled" I thought. But this was just a momentary lapse in my self control. I logged on to the computer, and proceeded to check the timetable for the lowering of the forcefields. I had only an hour to wait.

I waited... and waited. He was engrossed in whatever work he was doing, and looked up only occasionally. After about 30 minutes he stood up, and put on his coat. Damn, I thought. I realised that I could salvage the situation by leaving before he did. I logged off the computer and left the room.

I left the building and waited outside. He was taking his time. My blood lust rose and I almost killed a passer by. I caught myself just in time. There are no windows outside. After a few minutes it became apparent that he was not leaving, so I reentered the building, and went to conceal myself in an area near to the computer room.

I glanced at my watch, and saw that the time had come. The forcefields would be switched off any moment now. I reentered the room. He looked at me again, but I did not look at him. I proceeded to the opposite side of the room, where I retrieved a document that was lying on the table.

I then saw the flash of the forcefields, and walked up behind my victim.

He did not even turn around as I walked up. I grabbed him by the head, pulled it back, and slit his throat , throwing him through the window at the same time.

I looked at the blood on my hands, my clothes, the floor, the remains of the window and on the floor below, and my blood lust was satiated. For now.

I wiped the blood off my hands and face with his coat, which had fallen off as I grabbed him, and then put my own coat into my bag. I walked out of the building, and returned to my safe house.

[18:40 ] Nick Plummer displayed his powers of observation.
Nick Plummer reports:

Dear Mr Umpire

Today I saw Christopher Field MA. I did not see Simeon Bird, Michael Wallace MA, Steve "BOOM BOOM" McCann MA, Ed Heaney, Michael Richards MA, Martin Lester, the legendary Philip Bridge, Paul Fox, or anyone else of note, even the dashed handsome Richard Gibson. But Christopher Field MA made up for it, looking dreamy as always.

Yours in ^Nightwing^ fanboydom
Nick Plummer

The Umpire reports:

I also saw Christopher Field today, although to my eyes he looked rather tired.

Sarah Donnelly reports:

I also saw Christopher Field MA today. He looked at me very suspiciously, which I thought was unfair. But catching a brief glimpse of the Umpire, as well as a more extended (game) glimpse of Steve "Boom Boom" McCann MA, appeased me. ^_^

The Umpire notes:

Sarah Donnelly caught not a brief glimpse of me but instead had me in her sights for several minutes - most of which I spent panting from my recent exertion. Her sighting of Steve McCann must have been very extended indeed if it merited that comparison.
I should probably add that I delighted in the company of Martin Lester for a while and that I also passed into the workplaces of both David Birch and Michael Richards, so presumably I could have seen them too had I had the inclination.

David Birch would like us to know:

Dear Umpire

I would like to add the following:
Sadly, I wasn't in work on Tuesday, so didn't see you walking past. I did, however, see Stephen Mcann. We gave him chocolate. He didn't eat it.

Yours in kindest regard

Wednesday, 8 February

[11:40 ] Nick Plummer evidently mistook himself for Johannes and an Innocent for...well, who knows?
Nick Plummer reports:

Dear Umpire

May I suggest that you put a rule in place that bans people of the same sex as the player from visiting the player's staircase? It would make things a lot easier for all concerned.

Yours in wantedness
Nick Plummer

[12:05 ] Frances reordered Gabriel Wu Shiguang (Infinite Entropy).
Frances reports:

I stabbed Infinite Entropy with a penknife at 12.05 today.

Infinite Entropy reports:

I regret to report that I was sneakily stabbed in the heart by Frances outside the cockroft lecture theater after maths lectures this morning.

[12:50 ] Konrad Kazimierz Dabrowski (Doctor Which) met Stephen Mounsey.
Stephen Mounsey reports:

Konrad Kazimierz Dabrowski suffers his demise at the hands of two vampires.

[14:10 ] Stephen Mounsey (that freaky kid from lost) had an accident with Chris Korek.
that freaky kid from lost reports:

my carefully laid plans for starting my game stylishly late have been laid to waste by a flaccid weapon.

take heed all ye assassins, make sure your weapon is suitably rigid before penetrating your target.

approached the inco Chris Korek from his blind side whilst we were both mounted on our steeds. i brandished my ratehr flaccid weapon at him but due to it's flaccidity, i couldn't get him with it. he said "no-way!!!" presumambly recalling the fact that i killed him in the same manner last term. he pulled over. i arrogantly expected that he'd leg it and that i'd catch him.... he diddn't.... he pulled out a little gun and shot me. :(

until next time...

Chris Korek reports:

Dear Mr Umpire,
Today on the way to one of my many important business meeting I was accosted by the assassin Stephen Mounsey. He attempted to ride by knife me, but luckily I had recognised him. Swerving aside I stopped my bike only to see him turn round and attempt to finish the job. Fortunately I had my trusty blaster in hand by this time, and three precise shots left my would be assassin dead in the street, and I still had time to make it to my meeting.

[16:50 ] Michael Wallace didn't do anything.
Michael Wallace reports:

Dearest Umpire! My apologies for not killing anyone yesterday (or, indeed, being seen by anyone yesterday - to be mentioned in the same breath as Paul Fox! Such honour indeed!), but I was in London completely faffing up an interview. However, I would like to bring to your attention a few BRAVE and UNCOWARDLY things I did whilst I was away:

1) I went to the interview armed only with two killer raccoons!
2) Whilst at the interview, I ate not one, but two of the biscuits provided, risking the enormous DANGER of being spoken to when my mouth was all biscuit-y!
3) I ate a sandwich-type Pokemon that (alledgedly) contained avocado!
4) I hid from potential asssassins only twice! And only one of these occasions involved me hiding in a toilet! (there was a malaysian-looking girl! it could, for all I know, have been Johannes! (but certainly not the lovely Sarah Tang))
5) Finally, I earned this:
Suffice to say I am feeling even more BRAVE than ever! And hope to be demonstrating this even more in the near, and not-so-near, future! (I shall not be running away to Burrell's)

[17:20 ] An anonymous bounty was posted....

an arbitrarily large n packets of Choco Leibniz to be proffered at the discretion of the donor for the immediate death of Mr. Thomas Booth. Large delays may result in an exponential decrease in the quantity of donated comestibles however at no point will the Leibniz constant n decrease below 1. Terms and conditions may apply.

should any of the following persons be destructed gastronomic compensation may also be considered: Michael Wallace, Stephen Siklos, Imre Leader, Paul Fox, the Master or Chaplain of Jesus College, Christopher Field, Richard Gibson.

The Umpire notes that the existence of a bounty does not alter whether or not someone is a licit target for you. I assume the bounty is only redeemable once on each person...

Cambridge Underground reports:

Cambridge Underground have recieved anonymous threats of violence against staff from persons who are believed to by dissatisfied passengers.

Additional security is being provided at Jesus station on the Radegund line, with passengers only able to alight from trains by the first set of doors, so that searches for any form of weapon or chocolate may be conducted. We apologise for the consequent delay to services. Services on the Jesnam line are terminating at Christs. No replacement bus services are in operation as they would get lost in the one way system.

The possession of chocolate in any form on Cambridge Underground property is an offence, punishable by being forced to watch as the station staff and passing drivers devour all of it.

Violence, or threatend violence against our staff is completely unacceptable. We are committed to persuing every possible corrective action against offenders. Under bylaw 202.11(a), we have chosen to cancel all Crayfish cards held by persons who purchased the offending chocolate biscuits from Sainsbury's supermarket in the last 10 years. We would like to thank Sainsbury's for providing this information to us.

They may be reactivated by presenting 18 copies of form F79 to the ticketing department of 52 Jesus Lane. Single copies of these forms are available by sending an SAE containing an envelope capable of containing unfolded A0 paper to the same address. Allow at least 3 months for delivery. Enclose at least £10 of stamps.

Thank You for travelling on Cambridge Underground.

[18:05 ] A big issue salesman hawked their wares at Jessica Allen (Heidi).
A big issue salesman reports:

Due to recent security issues the college would like to remind students to take the following safety precautions:
If a suspicious looking person brandishing an RBG asks where they can find one of your neighbours, do not tell them anything.
Always lock your door
Use your spyhole, before inviting someone into your room
Take note that the phrase "come in, unless you are an assassin" Is likely to deter only the most polite of assassins.
Stockpile killer viruses

[18:25 ] Avatar of an AutoUmpire shot Samuel Laurens Borin (Grant Jackson).
Grant Jackson reports:

I was killed by Avatar of an AutoUmpire in King's.

Avatar of an AutoUmpire reports:

I killed Samuel Laurens Borin, and once again chased Johannes. This time he died, but not to me.

Reginald Shoe reports:

We swept through King's College, killing two dangerous criminals - the Chief got Samuel Laurens Borin, and The Kremlin gunned down Johannes after a short chase by the entire SWAT team. After being read their posthumous rights, Samuel Laurens Borin agreed that a career in the police was a shining oppertunity for the recently deceased, and joined our ranks.

Revered Ornithologist reports:

I heard from a tip-off that there might be an opportunity to catch a specimen of criminalus evilus in one of its migratory patterns last night, and was standing with another ornithologist awaiting its arrival. We had hoped to catch a glimpse of the famed predator of the sky, burgerus rex, but it seemed to be ill and was not leaving its nest. Suddenly an oculus laserus appeared around the corner and set upon the other ornithologist, savaging him brutally.

[18:45 ] The Most Wanted Johannes Nordstrom (The Most Incompetent Incompetent) fell foul of The Kremlin.
Revered Ornithologist reports:

I followed the predator for a short while and found a large collection of different species gathered, most of them predatory. The criminalus evilus I had been waiting for chose this moment to arrive, and was pursued by many of the other birds. Eventually it was caught and killed by an excellent example of judicius beardidus.

[19:05 ] Nick Plummer (Kong My Whopper AKA T-Rex) and Philip Bielby (Simultaneous jugulation and defenestration of licit targets causes persistant blood stains) ambushed the SWAT team: Nick Plummer was killed by Avatar of an AutoUmpire, who died to Philip Bielby along with Boz and Frances. The Kremlin double-killed with Philip Bielby. Cambridge Underground and Reginald Shoe led the retreat.
Boz reports:

I became police and joined an SO19 raid. I was killed by Philip Bielby outside Ross Edmondson's house.

Avatar of an AutoUmpire reports:

Later I saw Nick Plummer and Philip Bielby, the first of whom I shot for being a naughty wanted. The latter then retalliated on his behalf ;)

Paul Fox ran away.

Kong My Whopper reports:

Dear Lord Umpire

I have sad news of my demise. Unfortunately, being wanted for accidentally killing someone means that the police are allowed to shoot you! Who'd have thought it?! The police officer responsible was very nice about it, both offering myself a drink, and graciously accepting Philip Bielby's liquid refreshment that he returned fire with. Philip Bielby then went on to make lots of other policeman very wet, except that Paul Fox fellow, who went running away as fast as his little legs could carry him.

Being completely innocent in all this, I did not have a CPS in my bag, and I did not shoot Boz with it afterwards for being a dirty little traitor ;)

I then saw that stunningly gorgeous Richard Gibson in the pub, which made me go all squiggly and girly inside.

Yours in death and squiggly girlishness
Nick Plummer

Reginald Shoe reports:

We then moved on to stakeout Ross Edmondson's house, but after little success, decided to leave. It was then we were ambushed by Nick Plummer and Philip Bielby, with a small CPS. The Chief told us what to do in the event of encountering heavy weaponry - run. I always follow orders.

Revered Ornithologist reports:

I tailed the ragtag group of birds for a while longer as they headed towards the nest of one apteryx incompetentus, but had to leave shortly afterwards for a dinner. I heard later though that the group had been set upon by a specimen of caius cuddlius and that many of them had been killed, what a shame.

]:)|-< ]:)-/-< ]:)--< ]:)-|-< reports:

Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?

Philip Bielby reports:

Dear Umpire,

Please could you pass the following on to a Mr. Simeon Bird, as I hear that as well as being a famous wearer of hats, he is world-renowned for his film making abilities in the sci-fi genre, although I am afraid I have not seen any of his work:

Star Wars: Episode VII

Luke Skywalker, famous JEDI KNIGHT and expert in the use of the force learns to send messages to other masters in the use of the force, transcending time and space. He uses this powerful ability to send a message back in time to warn JEDI MASTER Yoda, an old dude of the identity of Darth Sideous, hoping to save his father from his fall to the dark side of the force.

Unfortunately his plan backfires...

A corridor in the republic senate house Enter DARTH SIDEOUS, DARTH VADER Stage left

SIDEOUS: My plan to destroy the Jedi proceeds well, we shall ambush them and destroy them all using the superiority of the DARK SIDE OF THE FORCE. Bwahahaha!

VADER: Yes master.

Enter JEDI MASTER YODA Stage left

YODA: You are destroyed evil one!


VADER: Master! Noooooooooooooooooo!

VADER kills YODA while he is still contemplating the destruction of the dark lord of the SITH


VADER: You killed my master. I'll kill you all in a fit of rage!

WINDU: I think not child

Exeunt JEDI MASTER FOXY WINDU, closely followed by JEDI KNIGHT TALAN LE GEYT Stage right

KENOBI: We'll take him together.

BORIN: I'm taking him now!


VADER: Bwahahaha!

JEDI KNIGHT JENNY SCOTT-THOMPSON tries to flee, but is caught by a bolt of force lightning from VADER

JENNY: I die

JENNY dies

KENOBI: It seems that neither of us has any high ground.

VADER: I'll kill you anyway!

VADER and KENOBI impale each other with their lightsabres.

VADER: Arrgghh! That is most painful.

KENOBI: Ha, you can strike me down, but then I will become more powerful than you can poss...


[20:00 ] Rhododendron starred in 'Waiting for Anderson' - an existential account of the pubmeet and being shot by a non-Player.
Rhododendron reports:

(It is a dark, smoky, atmospheric country churchyard. There is a giant anchor embedded amongst the lichen-stained gravestones. Enter Dethwish, stage left, nervously.)

DETHWISH: Hoy! 'Tis but souls' breath; the meeting is disbanded afore my arrival! Ahoy there! Respond, O shamefac'd survivors, see'st you mine visage? See'st you it? O, alas, alas, alas, for I be alone, alone in a house of perpetual internment...

1st DEAD: Think'st thou alone then, boy?

DETHWISH: What? Lords and ladies, do I hear a voice?

2nd DEAD: 'Tis not one voice thou shal'st hear...

DETHWISH: O, me! But...I see myself entirely alone! What is the meaning of this false conjury?

1st DEAD: Thou art indeed alone.

2nd DEAD: Unless thou regard'st the departed as company fit for the living...

DETHWISH: 'Zounds! What plagues be these? Am I surrounded by fools or ghosts? Speak, foul vapours!

2nd DEAD: If we were fools, thou would'st have identified thine own sort by now.

3rd DEAD: Come, sit upon the crumbling comfort of yea recent headstone, and let the spirits recite unto thee the mortal arts of life and death...

DETHWISH: Thou hast all perished afore me? Alack, O burden of perilous solitude!

(Enter Priest, lowered onto centre stage)

Who's this? A man quite apparent, yet unsure of state! Doth he be my final companion in the domain of the lively, or just one more wraith?

1st DEAD: You'll have to work that one out all by yourself...

PRIEST: By the hat on my head, I'll swear I'm not dead!

DETHWISH: What means he? Doth he be dastardly foe, or kind-hearted associate?

PRIEST: I shan't inform you; now what can'st thou do?

3rd DEAD: Some say he be'est a spirit, unborn and thus unslaughtered; a gatherer of information and a medium betwixt your pulsing flesh and our substanceless forms...

2nd DEAD: And others claim he's but a version of thine own self, alive, not dead, and lusting still for dripping meat...

1st DEAD: So which is he, this Priest-like figure? 'Tis your decision; we know not ourselves!

DETHWISH: God's teeth! He looks live enough in mine own roughly-hewn judgement! Object'st any to this insight?

(PRIEST picks up RBG and nails DEADS 1-3. He fires into Dethwish's arm, but no blood is visibly spilled)

PRIEST: Dost think thou hast found, That band's caused no wound? DETHWISH: I think'st, no, I hops'st not...

PRIEST: You'll have to endure, A knowledge impure!

DETHWISH: Well, at least you didn't shoot me elsewhere...

2nd DEAD: Methinks he shot you in this graveyard, O Dethwish... DETHWISH: Thou art alive yet?

3rd DEAD: No, quite the opposite.

1st DEAD: But we are yet that, at the least.

2nd DEAD: Yea, nothing has changed us, and nothing will e'er...

DETHWISH: But doth mine arm bleed, O prophets of finality?

(PRIEST picks up RBG again and fires into all four of Dethwish's limbs)

3rd DEAD: 'Tis no longer the apt question, dear Dethwish...

DETHWISH: Look, I hast had it up to here with thine folly. (Gets up to leave) Fare thee well, and heaven help me if I am to become one of thy number...

PRIEST: Before you must go, here's God! Say hello!

DETHWISH: O Lord, 'tis really you?

(Enter God, omnipresently)

GOD: O, young Dethwish! What does this, to leave in My presence? What purposes dost thy hold in thine soon-to-be-ended existence?

DETHWISH: Lord, I wish to win honour and worthy praise. I wish to destroy the one they call '(ahem)'...

GOD: Ahahahahaha, hahahahahaha, haha, hahahahaha, hahaha! 'Tis the best one I've heard in ages! Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! '(Ahem)'!!! Oh, thou art a goner son. Absolute goner...

PRIEST: I'd heed what he says. Discretion oft pays...

DETHWISH: 'Twould help if thou told'st me what my third legitimate target wast, with respect, O Lord of the High Dominions and the Incompetence Lists...

GOD: Thou seriously consider'st to go after '(ahem)'??? Stone the crows, lad, if I were to impart but a skein of my infinite wisdom thywards, thou shalt wish thou never e'en saw'st thy target-list in the first place...

(GOD, still omnipresent, leads DETHWISH aside and thus imparts infinite wisdom)

3rd DEAD: 'Zooks, methinks me see'st his courage melt!

1st DEAD: And lo! He shakes as if he's woken up with rattlesnakes across his chest!

2nd DEAD: Is that the mention of the 'wheelie-bin'? Aha, O gather, friends, and witness the essential of true fear!


(God stops talking to Dethwish, who is by now looking decidedly '^jellified^'.)

PRIEST: I hope you realise your forthcoming demise!

GOD: Now, run along, young man, and may fate speed thy way...thou may'st wish to avoid any darkened corners or dingy alleyways upon thy homeward the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy CPS, may he rest in peace...

DETHWISH: AAAAARGH!!! (flees, clutching water-gun tightly to his side in unbridled panic)

2nd DEAD: (shouting) Wheelie-bin!!!

GOD: (addressing Priest) Now, the thing is, can he legally run off like that if you've shot him in every limb?

PRIEST: Or merely am I, An innocent guy?

ALL DEADS: (snigger ominously)


Thursday, 9 February

[13:00 ] Mack the Knife didn't see Ross Edmondson.
Mack the Knife reports:

Earlier today, deciding to put business before pleasure, I headed West along the Road to call on Ross Edmondson and exchange pleasantries and small arms fire.

Alas, he was elsewhere. Alas also for the fact that it took me a full fifteen-minute Lurk to realise this.

In other news, my condolences to the families of all the noble officers of the law who fell fighting the good fight yesterday night. If I had been but ten minutes earlier in arriving at the raid I would have... er... been dead too. Oh well.

[15:00 ] Edward Heaney sent us a secret message.

Edward Heaney reports:

Dear Umpire, I should like to make it known that this picture contains a Hidden Message, and that the first person to decipher it (and the second, and the third, and so on) should go and supersoaker the Mysterious Person to whom it refers. Completion of this task will be rewarded with your personal satisfaction at having performed it.

[15:20 ] Hilda von Einem got asked, Where's my target?
Where's my target? reports:

Where's my target?
Is that my target?
It goes, 'Row faster!'
It is a boatie!
That's not my target!

[17:00 ] A Revered Ornithologist failed to identify Hilda von Einem.
Revered Ornithologist reports:

Another ornithologist and myself took along some binoculars to see if we could catch a glimpse of the rarely-sighted sicarius randomus randomus in its natural habitat. While we were waiting, we also spotted the endangered minionus rex but we seemed to startle it and it moved along quickly. We eventually got a quick look at the sicarius randomus randomus, but it didn't seem to want to leave its nest.

[19:00 ] Michael Wallace submitted a report of another non-event.
Michael Wallace reports:

Dearest Umpire!
I thought this was most news-worthy, for today I was fortunate enough to see one of the 100 most important people in Cambridge! Or so I thought... on closer inspection it turned out only to be Chris Field. However, I did get the 'special' pleasure of you waking me up this morning, which you'd think would make up for it...

Michael Wallace MA

[19:35 ] Rhododendron killed Alex Labram (Unaussprechlichen AKA Dance Dance Revelation).
Unaussprechlichen reports:

o R'lyeh?
la, R'lyeh

Rhododendron reports:

Situation: You are Alex Labram. You see one of your targets walking through your college, entirely at random.

Possible actions:
1) You approach the target slowly and subtly, giving them absolutely no chance to respond.

2) You start running at them with a pen-knife, yelling 'Rhododendron? Are you Rhododendron?'.

Decision: You chose option 2!

Result: Your target neatly sidesteps the pen which you belatedly throw at him (and miss), you fall to the ground comically and ungracefully, and your target draws an XP 220. You are shortly dispatched. Your target offers you a handshake, though, which is nice.

Verdict: Revenge is a dish best served wet. This one was for you, St. Peter...

...but my evening didn't end there...

[20:00 ] Rhododendron killed Jamie Horder (Bozo, Chief Clown at the Circus of DEATH!) with some help from Sarah Donnelly.
Rhododendron reports:

Situation: You are Sarah Donnelly. You have come to kill Jamie Horder. You are entering the building when someone looking suspicious enters simultaneously. He is MUCH SHORTER than Jamie Horder

Possible actions:

1) You realise that the mysterious stranger has received the same tip-off as you (thanks, Mr. Heaney...), and you agree to kill Jamie Horder simultaneously, or at least decide who will do the deed.

2) You threaten the stranger with an RBG, thinking him to be Jamie Horder. Even though he is MUCH SHORTER.

Decision: You chose option 2!

Result: Mysterious stranger grows very animated, and shows his ID card to prove that he is not, in fact, Jamie Horder. There proceeds a lengthy discussion on the utterly intriguing subjects of mistaken identity, blue anoraks, and Ed Heaney.

Verdict: Size matters.

...but my evening didn't even end there!

Sarah Donnelly reports:

I spent rather a long time waiting for Jamie Horder last night. After lurking for well over 20 minutes I decided to be more proactive and go for a walk along his possible route into [undisclosed society meeting]. On leaving the building, I passed a reasonably-sized group who, rather suspiciously, were talking loudly about [undisclosed society]. At the back of the group was a guy wearing a blue anorak-type thing and who generally matched the description I'd been given, other than being - I thought - slightly too short. At this point I dismissed the possibility that he might have been Jamie Horder.

The anorak-wearer saw me looking at him, and quickly turned around (after previously having shown all intention of going into the meeting with the group) and walked about 2 metres down the pathway again before attempting to hide in the hedge/shrubbery. Obviously I wasn't sure what he was trying to do, so I approached him to see, at which point he started walking briskly back towards the door.

I watched him climb the stairs step by painfully cautious step for a few minutes, while thinking the following:

1) Assassin. Pretty obvious at this point.
2) Vaguely matches the vague description I have.
3) Was told Jamie Horder would be about 10 minutes late, this is the last apparent society member to arrive.
4) If this person was here to target Jamie Horder, they'd not have been afraid of a girl standing outside talking on the phone. In fact, knowing that Jamie Horder is not female, this person would be a safe one to engage in conversation and ask whether they are a member of [undisclosed society], whether Jamie Horder has arrived yet, do you know if he'll be along tonight. Instead, this person chose to run away when an unfamiliar person looked at them.

Conclusion: This doesn't seem ideal, but it's the only possibly-Jamie Horder-like assassin to show up so far, and he's now more than 10 minutes late for his meeting.

Action: Follow, say "Jamie?", note that "Jamie" responds to this name, pull out RBG, "Jamie" runs faster than I've been told he'd be likely to (although since the hallway is fairly short I'm not sure what he was trying to accomplish). "Jamie", in a rather excited state, points out that he is in fact Rhododendron. Hear someone approaching. Realise the expanse of hallway we have moved to is very exposed should the real Jamie Horder take a shot, and that I'm still holding the RBG in plain sight. Shove RBG into pocket that is too small for it. Realise both that the person who has appeared is definitely Jamie Horder, and that fumbling to pull the RBG out again will make him run away.

Resolution: Say, "See, *that's* him," to Rhododendron, thus proving that I can in fact recognise the real target when he appears and also making sure that I won't be the one going wanted if he isn't...

Thus followed a useful, informative chat, and leaving the grounds of Christ's.

Rhododendron reports:

Situation: You are Jamie Horder. You are visiting Ed Heaney. You stumble into the corridor, only to find two unknown and decidedly shifty-looking souls, a young man and young lady, parked outside his room. One of them, the female half of this passageway party, says 'It's him!'.

Possible actions:

1) You run like the clappers.

2) You start walking towards them, reaching clumsily for your back pocket.

Decision: You chose option 2!

Result: The male suddenly pulls out an XP 220 and shoots first. Asks the question afterwards. Gets the right answer. Leaves with Sarah Donnelly, apologising at great length for robbing her of a kill, and promises to give her all the credit for Jamie Horder's demise (it turns out she'd been lurking for over 20 minutes). Hopes she will forgive him, and says he'll see her soon. She says he'd better see her before she sees him...

Verdict: Sometimes following a group of four fellows, one of whom clearly refers to a 'CPS', into a building, can pay dividends...

2nd Verdict: You lucky, lucky boy...

3rd Verdict: You make your own luck...

2nd DEAD: (leaping out from behind a bush) WHEEEEEELIE-BIN!!!!!!!!!!!

Bozo, Chief Clown at the Circus of DEATH! reports:

I am dead, a fact I ascertained by the simple expedient of being shot in the face.

[20:00 ] Kamchatcha visited The Most Complicated Stopword In Cambridge.
Kamchatcha reports:

a) Houses cannot be got into unless someone lets you in.
b) It was cold.
c) I'm not well.
Leading to the conclusion that I was going home to bed.

[20:30 ] Rhododendron ran away from Martin Lester.
Rhododendron reports:

Triumphant after my double-kill of earlier, I arranged to meet some friends in the Granta Bar in order to listen to a local ceilidh band. On the way, however, who should pass me by in the street but....Martin Lester?!?!?!?! We both double-taked one another, before he rounded a corner and I set off in pursuit.

It was not to be my day, however; two drunkards intercepted me on King's Parade asking me where they could find a decent pub, and by the time I finished with them, Martin Lester had mysteriously exchanged clothing with someone who as I discovered when I closed in for the kill, was NOT Martin Lester. He had, in fact, 'disappeared'. Suddenly fearful, I dashed off to the bar, avoiding any

2nd DEAD: (staggering out of The Baron Of Beef) WHEELIE BINS

...along the way.

My one chance...and I fluffed it...I'm a useless giant-killer...

Friday, 10 February

[12:00 ] The Boogeyman will get Plz_d0nt_Ki11_m3_I_Hav3_Fami1y Also when the lights go out...
The Boogeyman reports:


I'm the BOOGEYMAN, and I'm comin' TO GETCHA!!!

[16:30 ] Michael Wallace, Stephen McCann and Tom Booth held a vigil for Ross Edmondson.
Stephen McCann reports:

Dear Umpire,

I went to West Road with my distinguished associates, Tom Booth, Michael Wallace and "the Priest" to look for Ross Edmondson. We lurked around for a bit, and then decided that was either not in or in a very deep sleep.

Yours Sincerely,
Stephen McCann MA

Michael Wallace reports:

Land economy essay versus inco hunting? It's an obvious choice really.

I should observe that whilst I did not run away anywhere, Tom Booth did, because he's a big lamey lamer mclamerson. Oh yes.

[17:42 ] Richard Gibson killed Imre Leader.

Richard Gibson reports:

Today, after a particularly amusing supervision, I brutally stabbed Imre Leader to death. He proceeded to ask me how my work was going this term...

[21:30 ] PoisonMelon and Hilda von Einem couldn't find A big issue salesman.
PoisonMelon reports:

I lurked for a considerable period of time outside the residence of A big issue salesman. If he was in, he wasn't letting on.

[23:15 ] Martin Lester received star billing from Robert Winston, Menzies Campbell and Florence Nightingale in a Pedalo chanting TV out of their honeyed Behinds.
Robert Winston, Menzies Campbell and Florence Nightingale in a Pedalo chanting TV out of their honeyed Behinds reports:


18:40-19:30 - GROSS POINT BLANK - (2006) starring Woody 'Wood' B. S. Assin, Martin Mariusz Lester, Random Cyclist. Woody Assin plays the part of a lonely soul wandering the streets of Cambridge in a vain search for Martin Lester, who regrettably only appears in this film during a set of hypothetical fantasies experienced by Woody. Rated 15 for excessive lack of warmth.

19:30-22:10 - CHAMPIONSHIP POOL - Live from a JCR near you.

22:10 - 23:15 - THE COAL MINE YARDS - (2006) starring Woody 'Wood' B. S. Assin, Martin Mariusz Lester, Inebriated Passer-By. Woody Assin reprises his most celebrated role as Silver Street's most paranoid. Martin Lester does not appear in this one either, but for a grisly premonition sequence experienced by Woody, who foresees his own protracted, bloody evisceration as the result of an almost inevitable CPS reprisal. Rated 18 for graphic scenes of depressurised water ejaculation.

23:15-06:00 - CLOSEDOWN

06:00-onwards - LIE-IN - (2006) starring Woody 'Wood' B. S. Assin, Martin Mariusz Lester, Beautiful Flying Hippy Girl. Woody Assin is having a ripping good time with the Flying Hippy Girl when suddenly he is sliced into pieces by an RBG and wakes up crying. Martin Lester does not appear in this film at all, save for a horrifyingly vivid nightmare suffered by Woody, who just wishes he'd leave him alone. Even though he hasn't even seen him yet. Rated PG for drug use, violence, extremely strong language, and scenes of a hippyfied nature...

[23:20 ] Hilda von Einem went looking for Michael Wallace, superstar.
Hilda von Einem reports:

Twinkle, twinkle, little blade,
How I wonder when you'll play;
Up above Michael Wallace's door
Like a diamond on the floor.
Twinkle, twinkle, little knife;
Why won't he let you end his life?

[23:50 ] Blaise Martay shot an Innocent in the head. Lots. James O'Driscoll joined in.
Blaise Martay reports:

I was a bit pissed off by the lack of people trying to kill me - come on lamos!!! what are you playing at??? No-one has made a serious attempt. My frustration boiled to the surface ( fueled by alcohol) and I shot an innocent (Andrew Denner)in the head five times. The madness got to me - I wanted to see the red mist. I am now a dirty wanted!!! Come get me people. Feel afraid. I will shoot because it's FUN!!! HAHAHAH!!! Histon fortress - come on!!! lol

The Duck Man reports:

What duck?

P.S. Mistaking my friend's boredom for a rare attack, I immediatley whacked her apparent "attacker" on the head with my trusty killer hamster. Unfortunately it turns out she was just bored with being incompetent, and my valour was both un-noticed and un-rewarded.
Ah well, I imagine being corrupt is better than being incompetent...

Saturday, 11 February

[10:45 ] Martin Lester went to show Blaise Martay that she is wanted.
Martin Lester reports:

Dearest Blaise,

I was most saddened to hear that a lady of your charms had been feeling neglected and unwanted, so I went to visit you to show you my love. I was most disappointed that you didn't come out to play.



P.S. Please can I have your number?
P.P.S. Your keycode number, that is, not your phone number.

[12:00 ] Mack the Knife and Philosophicles didn't get killed by Ross Edmondson.
Mack the Knife reports:

Today I and my fellow officer of the Lore, Philosophicles, attempted to fight crime in Cambridge. We set out from [location removed] with a firm tread, ready to be ruthless in the name of right.

Ten or perhaps fifteen minutes' lurking for Ellen Turnbull yielded no fruit, so we moved on to the notorious Ross Edmundson. He wasn't in either, was he?

As a result, both these nefarious toads live to slime another day.
Mack the Knife.

Ross Edmondson reports:

A knock at the door! It's my neighbour - "Do you want to kill some assassins? Theres some odd people outside in long black coats asking about you...". Hooray! I grab weapons, and make my way out but alas - by the time I get there, there isn't a long black coat in sight anywhere along the road...

Maybe next time!

[13:30 ] Jack Daniel and Kamchatcha enjoyed one another's company.
Kamchatcha reports:

A random, but also very normal-looking guy(!) knocked on my door at ~1.30pm today. I knifed his right arm in the opening round of fire, and subsequently threw quite a few more knives at him. I offered him tea and chocolate biscuits if he let me kill him, and likewise he offered me a strepsil, yoghurt and duck(!) :S After retreating into my room to retrieve my RBG, he got near my door and knifed me in my right leg using one of my knives(!) I went back to work (good procrastination though :D) and at some point he left.

I would like to thank him for not waking me up when I was asleep yesterday though as he saw the note on my door saying I was unwell and asleep (which was true and also intended to keep out bedders and friends dropping round).


Jack Daniel reports:

Today, i started feeling my urge to kill falling. To combat this i hiked up to Kamchatcha's hut thinking it'd be jolly good to kill them. About a minute after i knocked, 50 throwing knives flew out of the door and into my right arm. For some reason, my trigger finger wouldnt press the trigger after that point. Finding this quite, quite odd, i switched hands, and thankfully found the left one to still be fairly functional. My gut feeling told me to withdraw to the end of the corridoor(which i did), and it was one of em good gut feelings cause the door opened again, bringing more sharp knify objects. Naturally i had no problem dodging them from the distance, so me and Kamchatcha proceeded to have a lengthy conversation of a variety of topics, sometimes interupted by me performing amazing feats of acrabatics and knife dodging. Then they got bored and retreated into their room. I threw a few knives at them, chopping of their leg(left one i think) Then i got bored of the amazingly crippling day, and decieded to leave. Before doing so, i collected their knives and left them in a nice little stack outside their door.

[19:45 ] Michael Wallace did something unspecified to Blaise Martay.
Michael Wallace reports:

Dearest Umpire!

I thought I'd go and see if I could do something nasty to that naughty winco (see what I did there?) Blaise Martay, as I had suspicions she may be engaging in an $unspecified_activity_of_an_unspecified_nature_of_unspecifiedness this evening.

Unfortunately I'm a bit crap.

Michael Wallace MA

[21:20 ] Tom Booth killed Blaise Martay (Eejit) and James O'Driscoll (The Duck Man).
Tom Booth reports:

I heard it was Blaise Martay's birthday, so I thought it would be only fair to give her a present. So I did- three shots to the back of the neck. While I was delivering the gift, I felt a bit sorry for James O'Driscoll, who was going to be left out, so I gave him the same gift.

The Duck Man reports:


Michael Wallace reports:

Tom Booth, on the other hand, is less crap.

Robert Winston, Menzies Campbell and Florence Nightingale in a Pedalo chanting TV out of their honeyed Behinds reports:

Such grace, such elegance...such inexpressible deadliness...
Now I must learn to hunt with the pack, rather than feed off scraps and carrion. As a full moon bathed the great court in its mystical gleam, I realised but this: I was a cub no longer. Hoooooooooooooowwwllllll!

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