Cloak & Dagger The Assassins' Guild - Week 1 News

Sunday, 29 January

[05:00 ] And so it begins...

At 5am on Sunday 29th January 2006, the Game begins. There are between 27 and 243 Live Assassins out there. Watch out!

[13:00 ] A dead assassin is still alive.
A dead assassin reports:

After rising from his grave at 1pm, A dead assassin went to the computer. He was delighted at seeing a new email and then dismayed at seeing whom it was from. At this point he realised that the door was not locked and made a little cackle laughing at his mistake, and the foolishness of the three people who had not killed him yet. Maybe it was time for him to brandish his guns; maybe it was time to rush out and fill his grave with the dead; maybe it was time to KILL.
Better yet, maybe it was time to write a pointless report and then go back to bed.

[14:00 ] The Orangeman went looking for PoisonMelon.
The Orangeman reports:

I lurked for PoisonMelon today between 2 and 3 o'clock.

[18:40 ] Tyrion Lannister dispatched Richard Peter Charles Manns (The Kitty of Destiny).
Tyrion Lannister reports:

Varys showed me the secret passageway. At the other side waited the man who had taken my sweet Tysha away from me. Clutching my dagger, I climbed up the stairs and found The Kitty of Destiny, stuffing his face, whilst the peasants outside went hungry and blamed me for it. My recent battles had hardened me, so I felt little remorse as I slid the knife into the back of this monster. May the Seven forgive me.

[22:05 ] DJ Death danced with Michael Wallace.
DJ Death reports:

...And that was the second track from the second album of Wet Wet Wet, which is indeed a suitable description of Myself and my special guest and, as we've just found out, Superstar of the past Mr W tonight! Ho ho! Though fortunately, his willing aide remained Dry dry dry due to the short range of my weapon tonight! Har ha! Alas we were both having a good sing-song to that classic final track, 'You've had it', and keeping rather good time, if I do say so myself! Har har! Well, sticking with our Wet Wet Wet theme tonight, for our next track we'll be going "East of the River"...

Michael Wallace reports:

How about finding out who your target's friends are before saying they want to meet you in the bar?

Tom Booth reports:

Went over to see Michael Wallace at about 9 on my way home. We had a merry old time discussing this, that and the other, when suddenly there came a bone-chilling knock at the door. Michael Wallace leapt to his feet, and asked who it was. There followed some story about how Llewellyn wanted to meet Michael Wallace in the bar in five minutes. Michael Wallace invited him "in", and the enthusiastic visitor made it into the antechamber, where he started trying the doorhandle. Sadly he was defeated by the lock. He repeated his story, and we got a good look at him through the spy-hole, then we dismissed him and began formulating a plan.

Michael Wallace is obviously a coward at heart, and the obvious thing to do was stay in the room. However since this guy probably didn't know what Michael Wallace looked like, I was at just as much risk as he was should I leave the room, and I had no desire to spend the night in Trinity (lol Steve). Eventually (and, to be fair to him, Michael Wallace tried to protest) I walked out of the room unarmed and with my hands up, then out of the corridor and out of the court into the street.

Then DJ Death ran out of the court behind me, shooting at me. I started waving and shouting "I'm not Michael Wallace" and he stopped shooting, asked if he'd hit me (he hadn't) then ran back into the court.

Monday, 30 January

[04:30 ] the beta monster paid an early morning visit on yeoth king.
the beta monster reports:

beta monster hungry! where is nom? beta monster want nom!


[08:50 ] Rhododendron paid tribute to Martin Lester.
Rhododendron reports:

It was whilst debating whether the Arctic Monkeys are the worst band since Limp Bizkit, or merely Razorlight, bless them, that I somehow this morning stumbled into my premier target's lair. A player of some stature within the game, in fact, Martin Lister[sic] (gawd) strikes me as the kind of person who wouldn't balk at dousing the entire court which his room overlooks in contact dew and laying rubber-band land-mines about for good measure, so after snooping around the area (but not having the courage to knock on my target's door...yet...) for a good few minutes I returned home to 'consolidate'. Much has been learnt. Much has been written. And it is I who shall complete the tome.

It's not about poison ivy.
It's about Rhododendron.

[09:10 ] I am Jack's smirking revenge tried to artificially enhance his performace for a date with The Most Incompetent Incompetent.
I am Jack's smirking revenge reports:

I woke woefully early, in the hope of snagging myself a big game kill early on in the Game. After a Coffee; or eight, I set off to [placename removed] to dispatch with The Most Incompetent Incompetent. Unfortunately my suave attempt to sweet talk one of the residents into letting me in was interrupted by the bedder - upon which my ploy of having lost a coat fell on its ass, since obviously the bedder knew the house far better than I did. I retreated, slightly discouraged, and very edgy from the Coffee.

[10:00 ] Bishop Colenso lurked for Asa-san.
Bishop Colenso reports:

Lurked for Asa-san on Monday morning, but was foiled by a cunning change of route.

[10:30 ] A big issue salesman solicited Kong My Whopper.
A big issue salesman reports:

I know where you live.

Kong My Whopper reports:

Good, because I've forgotten

[10:55 ] Will Parry dealt with Chris Smowton (Sir (Zombie) Humphrey).
Will Parry reports:

I assasinated Chris Smowton from Churchill, in the New Museums site with a subtle knifing. Few or no witnesses saw the act.

Sir (Zombie) Humphrey reports:

I was killed by Will Parry with The Subtle Knife.
It's true what they say; one never should meet one's heroes!

[15:30 ] Nick Plummer got excited by the Cambridge Underground.
Nick Plummer reports:

Dear Mr. Umpire,

Today, a thing happened which was most news-worthy. And no, I'm not talking about me getting out of bed before lunchtime. The thing is, I saw Mr. Paul Fox for the SECOND TIME IN AS MANY DAYS! Amazing! And on neither of these occasions did he spot me!

Yours in excitement and wonder,
Nick Plummer

[18:00 ] A day in the life of Tom Booth.
Tom Booth reports:

Today I went to the [placename removed] to attempt to ambush my target at the end of his lecture, and Michael Wallace said he'd wander along and help. On the way in, I spotted Talan le Geyt and friend sauntering along, so I ducked into the shadows until they passed, and proceeded along behind them.

There appeared to be a large group of students milling around outside lectures, so I wandered vaguely in that direction, hoping to spot my target soon. I rang Michael Wallace to let him know where I was, then saw Jake Corteen on his way towards lectures. He got as far as where Talan was standing before spotting me, waving, and pointing me out to Talan. I told Michael Wallace what was happening, aborted the attempt and said I'd meet him at the gate.

I arrived at the gate to see Michael Wallace running (literally) away like a cowardy custard on the other side of the street, and followed him as fast as I dared, nearly running headlong into James Fisher and Charlotte Sayers, who walked round a corner at an inopportune time. I pursued Michael into New Museums, where I managed to stop him running. We then spotted Lottie, and I wandered around town with her a bit. While I was with her I saw Nick Plummer, although he didn't try to kill me. For much of the time I was required to protect her, since she was eating a potato and unable to get at any weapons. Fortunately (or unfortunately; I'm getting really on edge and want to kill something) no-one tried to attack her.

I later bumped into Sarah Donnelly (and again a little later) who had scouted the [placename removed] but with no success. Nor had there been any sign of my target, so I called it a day and went home.

Later on I saw someone who looked a bit like Lupie, and followed her for a bit in the hope that she'd attack me, but she went into [placename removed] and when she came out it wasn't in fact her.

Michael Wallace reports:

Oh for heaven's sake! I wasn't even moving!! What do I have to do to satisfy you, Tom? Oh well, at least you didn't accuse me of living in Burrell's this time...

[23:00 ] A dead assassin helped Adam Rowell (Gorbaz) to achieve the same enlightened state.
A dead assassin reports:

Merry Deathmas from the cold beyond!

Gorbaz reports:

Upon returning to the fair city of Orgrimmar after collecting vital foodstuffs neccecary for the ongoing war in silithus, I noticed a shiny note.

Thinking it contained a great reward for my services to the Horde, I immediately opened it, to find that it was covered in poison, and I promptly died.

Thus ends the great saga of Gorbaz, Hunter of the Horde.

[23:30 ] Samuel Laurens Borin paid a housecall on Doctor Doom with unfortunate consequences.
Samuel Laurens Borin reports:

While lurking for Doctor Doom near his room, I saw a suspicious man whom I did not recognise. Upon my calling "Doctor Doom!" he turned around and said "Yes?". He then saw that I was holding an RBG and loked wary. I asked if he was Doctor Doom. He said no. He then approached me and attacked me with a paper knife. I succeeded in killing him, but sustained a leg wound. He continued to deny that he was Doctor Doom, or any other assassin, and told me to leave. I did so.

Dave reports:

Yesterday, some geeky looking bloke, who looked like he'd been hiding in a cupboard for the last few days, shot me with a rubber band gun in [placename removed]. I assume he's something to do with you.

The Umpire adds:

Players are reminded that they should exercise subtlety at all times in the execution (yes) of their tasks. They should take care that they do not cause undue inconvenience to non-Players in the course of playing the Game.
The usual penalty for killing an Innocent is to be put on the Wanted List. However, as this particular non-Player was engaged in an attack on the Assassin in question with something that could not easily be distinguished from an Assassins' weapon, the circumstances are sufficiently extenuating that he will face no sanctions. Please be careful.

Tuesday, 31 January

[09:20 ] Rhododendron got Philip Bielby all sticky.
Rhododendron reports:

This is an Amnesty International plea to help Stop Violence Against Women.

"Violence against women is perhaps the most shameful human rights violation. It knows no boundaries of geography, culture or wealth. As long as it continues, we cannot claim to be making real progress towards equality, development, and peace." - Kofi Annan, United Nations Secretary-General.

Some of you will already be aware of our campaign, and will I hope consider making a small donation of sorts. The reason you'll know about it is because you received a little purple card in your college pigeonholes advertising comedy, debate, and a film about a lesbian killer prostitute. I mean, what more could you ask for? I'm pretty sure that upon receiving your cards you all leapt up and down in the air, pledging allegiance to the Amnesty cause and saving up your coppers for "Free Love and the good plant" in the King's Cellars, which believe you me doesn't need the excuse of a charitous cause to happen at the best of times. All of you, that is, except two.

For it is upon the cards of you, Philip Bielby, that a special surprise has been deposited. That's right: a thin yet distinctly venomous coating of Hartley's Strawberry Jam, purchased in my dear Buttery not two hours before the trap was laid. To do the entire thing wearing thick winter gloves was arduous enough, but when you consider how tempted I was to lick the jam off the cards like the ravenous fool I am, I do hope you sympathise with the pain I suffered to create the perfect poisoned consignia.

You see, my idea was laced with a rare cunning from the word go: one will always be suspicious of letters or folded paper notes in one's pigeonhole, but as for those innocent (yet extremely virtuous and Charlize Theron-touting) little flyers that one tosses in the bin every day of one's life...if EVERYONE gets one, surely nobody will suspect a thing! I brought my poisoned pair from my own college along with about thirty spares in case the lady-loving message hadn't quite gotten through to Caius yet, but I needn't have worried. The familiar purple leaflets were installed in roughly one-quarter of the pigeonholes, and, better still, Philip Bielby had not touched his yet. Replacing the existing flyers with my own fatal substitutes, undersides absolutely crawling with preservative-laced fruit, I, still wearing those bloody gloves, completed the deed and then slunk off mighty chuffed with my day's work. Before I went I made sure the pigeonholes surrounding my would-be victim's had a convincingly high number of flyers in them. Finally, I was sure that one of my targets would succumb. May the cleverest assassin prevail!

Oh, and I went and saw Richard Thompson afterwards. I'm not normally a folky sort, but Jesus can that man play a tune...

I almost wept...

Philip Bielby reports:

All of my mail got stuck to my pigeon-hole. :(

The Umpire politely reminds Assassins to use clear disclaimers when leaving 'special' letters. They should also be careful not to damage any property they find at the scene.

[11:00 ] Stephen McCann shot Aidan Robison (Asa-san) in the back.
Asa-san reports:

Hahaha oh wow.

Stephen McCann reports:


[13:30 ] The Caretaker complained about A Bunch Of Randy Werewolves.
The Caretaker reports:

Heard on the old grapevine that a nasty piece of work was trying to sneak out at lunch today. Couldn't let the little scallywag get away with it scot free, so I went and waited for them on the road. No sign, the blighter must've gone another way. Even had the nerve to kick in the sports locker door! No respect from kids these days... If I catch the scoundrel I'll give 'em a right good spanking and no mistake. No-one gets away with mocking me forever, not old Caretaker, no... Teachers act all high and mighty but it's me, old me, who really runs the place. Lots of lovely little kiddies here, don't want a few bad apples spoiling them...

[17:00 ] The Most Complicated Stopword In Cambridge hankered after some personal service from The Devil's Butler.
The Most Complicated Stopword In Cambridge reports:


[17:00 ] Ed Heaney saw a Special Boy. He did! He did!

Dearest, most excellent and only slightly special Umpire, I have a report for you! Yesterday, I beheld none other than that most special and victorious assassin, known as Raccoon, M.A.! What a thrill! I submit this picture of him for your delectation and the Reports Page:

Special Boy.

Tom Booth reports:

I have a slight criticism of Mr Heaney's artistic interpretation of Michael Wallace MA. In the picture, he is shown waving to the camera in a friendly manner, whereas in actuality he would be running away as fast as his legs could carry him.

[21:10 ] Foul Ole Ron revenged himself upon David Jordan (Steven Remis) with a killer hamster.
Foul Ole Ron reports:

Buggerit. Millennium hand and shrimp.

Steven Remis reports:

I was enjoying a quiet shandy in a local watering hole, preparing to slaughter [name of extremely important College removed] in a pub quiz, at which point a dastardly figure somehow opened a door, and rubbed a rodent against my cheek. This was no courting ritual, but apparently the application of a killer hamster, which killed. Me.

[22:10 ] Kong My Whopper decided to show off.
Kong My Whopper reports:


Wednesday, 1 February

[01:00 ] Alexey Pokrovskiy apologetically killed Andrew Clyde (Randy Mandy).
Alexey Pokrovskiy reports:

Spend the last two days around my target Andrew Clyde who happened to be my very good friend. It took a little bit of intoxication to get me to a point when i could pull the trigger. Poor guy. Couldnt have suspected a thing. Dead. Why does life have to be so harsh as to make us kill our friends? Still shaking.

Randy Mandy reports:

After i had been dancing the night away with him, my so-called friend Alexey Pokrovskiy happened upon me in our local toilet. Nothing unusual about this, until he apologised and shot me in the face. Messy. This is probably a sign that I shouldn't go out when I have tons of work to do... or possibly that I should have taken my own advice from last term and killed everyone I know.

*The Umpire chortles happily.

[08:45 ] Charles Curry tried to kill an Innocent. He failed.
Dave from Manor Farm reports:

Silly minions, Dave is beyond thy ken.
Yes, I will control the galaxy
No, just because I live on a farm and drink cider doesn't mean I'm not a RUTHLESS CRIMINAL MASTERMIND.
Give me six years.

*telephone rings*
Ah, my little fluffies, the telephone! Business is certainly picking up.
"Is this Manor Farm?"
"Can I have 100 tons of manure please?"
Certainly. Would you like a poisoned mangel with that?
"Oh, please. A blow-up sheep too, if you could"
"Goodness, that's a lot"
It's the inflation charge.

Yes, the manure money will fund my charge of TAKING OVER THE GALAXY.
No, don't get anxious, I was never one for keeping up with the Jones's.

Players should not attempt to kill non-Players, as this may inconvenience them.
Charles Curry is now on the Wanted List. He may redeem through a kill of 1 Assassin who is a licit target.

[08:55 ] Madeline Baker (Isabel Archer) was killed in an attempt on Teppic.
Isabel Archer reports:

I was killed while making an attempt on Teppic's life. I waited outide her staircase, then outside her room. I didn't recognise her when she came out and asked her if she knew Teppic and if so, was she in. She said she didn't know and walked off. I was suspicious but didn't do anything, then a moment later she came back up the stairs and shot me with a rubber-band gun from the stairwell below me.

Teppic reports:

In this Ankh Morpork guild you learn that doors have ears. Particularly sprung doors held slightly open.
Madeline Baker failed to surprise me.
In the end, I surprised her...
Nice try though! :-)

[12:00 ] Kong My Whopper tried to pick a fight with a Drunken Master.
Kong My Whopper reports:

Kong in the New Museums

[16:00 ] Foul Ole Ron also found Steven Ortega (License_to_Kill).
Foul Ole Ron reports:

Buggrit, buggrit, wrong side out, I told 'em, buggrem, I told 'em, bean soup, see here ... and then everyone was dancing, you see. Buggrit, buggrit, buggrem, see if I don't.

[17:25 ] Charles Curry killed Chief Gordon Ball. Decapitation begins at home!
Aesahaettr reports:


You hear the sound of a door opening.
The wanted shoots.
The wanted shoots.
You hear the sound of the Provost counting money.
The wanted shoots.
You die...

Do you want your possessions identified?
a - +5 Blessed Laser Beam of Pure Antimatter
b - Hero Shield (cursed)

Do you want to see your attributes?
You locked no doors.
You loaded no weapons.
You are dead.
Do you want to see an account of creatures vanquished?
You vanquished 0 creatures.
Do yuo want to see your conduct?
You were retarded.
You genocided no criminals.
You used no wishes.

-42 Aesahaettr-CoP-NST-Mal-Cha was shot in the Colleges of Confusion on level S4.

Dave from Manor Farm reports:

Shoot da copz
Word, bro
Yes, my EVIL SCHEMES have come to fruition
No, the force is not strong in me, but that will not prevent me from ENSLAVING THE GALAXY
I'm not a Jedi
No, I'm just in da hood

[20:00 ] Samuel Laurens Borin finally got rid of Mickhaiel Barrow (Doctor Doom), with just a little assistance.
Samuel Laurens Borin reports:

I, with the aid of another assassin, killed Mickhaiel Barrow in his room.

Doctor Doom reports:

Hi, Sadly, Doctor Doom has passed on, kicked the bucket, given in his time-card...he's dead!!

[21:15 ] The Orangeman couldn't find A big issue salesman.
The Orangeman reports:

The Orangeman sends his regards.

[22:00 ] Philip Bielby, Sarah Donnelly and Stephen McCann went to visit Charles Curry. The only casualty was Jacob Samuel Corteen (The Caretaker).
Stephen McCann reports:

After having a few drinks at [undisclosed pub], I proceeded to Fitz to make an attempt on the dangerously wanted criminal Charles Curry who had killz0red our beloved Chief of Police earlier that day.
I enlisted the help of other concerned citizens, Philip Bielby and Sarah Donnelly. Sarah Tang may also have been there, but I cannot confirm nor deny that... I'm not her keeper!
After getting shot at by Charles Curry... we decided retreat was a better option. So we did...
Then Jacob Samuel Corteen walked out in front of us, and unfortunately for him, he was on Philip Bielby's target list. So he killed him. Oh well, it wasn't a completely wasted journey.

Philip Bielby reports:

Yesterday I went to Fitz. I saw that eeevvvilll Charles Curry there, and he nearly killed me. This was bad. I also saw the less evil Jacob Samuel Corteen there, and this was good, because he was fatally riddled with rubber band wounds moments later.

The Caretaker reports:

Boys and Girls,

I have sad news for you today. Some of you may have noticed the flag flying at half-mast as you came in this morning, it flies so for a most respected member of the school community, our dear Caretaker, Jacob Samuel Corteen, who will be forever missed. He passed on into a better place after being shot several times in the late hours of last night. If any of you find this difficult, please feel free to speak with myself, your teachers or the school nurse, we all feel sad today but life will go on and we must strive to be strong in respect for his memory.

He will be sorely missed.

May he rest in peace.

Dave from Manor Farm reports:

Elephants on Manor Farm?

Why is an elephant big, grey and wrinkly?
Because if it were small, wooden and gun-shaped it would be an RBG.

Sarah Donnelly reports:

Dear Umpire (I take liberties in calling you "dear", perhaps, but surely you know that all Umpires and MA's are deserving of their fangirls and fanboys),

I suppose I'd better add that I was in Fitz in the attempt to kill the eeeebil Charles Curry as well. I must say, I was rather disappointed to see such a potentially nice young man turn to the evils of innocent-slaughter, CoP-killing and Othello.

Yours, with all due flattery and/or biscuits,
Sarah Donnelly

[22:40 ] El Felpudo went looking for The Devil's Butler.
El Felpudo reports:

El Felpudo, mean-ass bandit of the Wild West (of Cambridge) went for a little wander around the maze of courts that is [college removed], on a hunt for The Devil's Butler. Doing so around 10.40-10.50pm probably wasn't the best idea; after eventually finding the correct court and staircase, he hung around for a few minutes, seeing nobody. Frustrated, he tried the door, which was of course locked, and after exchanging brief pleasantries with the occupant, the quickwitted El Felpudo decided he might do better to vacate the premises, and did so, posthaste. This actually took some time, as the ease of finding one's destination within [college removed] is inversely proportional to how much one wants to get there; nonetheless, far away from [college removed], he writes this report of his misadventure, safe and sound.

The Devil's Butler reports:

The Devil's Butler does not answer the door.

Thursday, 2 February

[11:00 ] Yong Hoong Yuen Kenneith (yeoth king) fell victim to The Ever-Rotating Washing Machine of Fate. Watch as your lives spin into mindless oblivion, around and around, getting cleaner as they go... *Insert £1.20 here*.
The Ever-Rotating Washing Machine of Fate. Watch as your lives spin into mindless oblivion, around and around, getting cleaner as they go... *Insert £1.20 here* reports:

Today was a fine day, and feeling like a bit of mischief, the Washing Machine of Fate trundled out of the laundry room and out across the town of Cambridge. It thought that today would be a nice day for a bit of killing and deposited a special letter in a pigeon hole. It wonders what effect it will have on the recipient. What will their fate be?

yeoth king reports:

It was an ingeniously set up attempt...which of course ended only with my demise...i must salute my assassin for the brilliant use of the national blood bank envelope...

[15:25 ] David Smith (The Orangeman) and Richard Kirkdale (I am Jack's smirking revenge) made an attempt on Charles Curry but fell foul of Unaussprechlichen.
Unaussprechlichen reports:

"...and thou shalt perform the Seventh Rite of the Elder Gods, that ye might determine the manner of hellspawn beneath the shield of which thine enemies lurk. And, having sought out the long-haired creature, then shalt thou seek Him out, by means laid down in the dark words of the sorceror Al-Hazred in times gone past.

"And thou shalt drink not of the unclean thing, for to you his blood a horde of darkness would recall. But of his servants shalt ye drink, and be not sated til the last drop of scarlet life leave their veins. And then the world shalt tremble before ye, for the Yellow God is a most generous Lord, and to those that please Him He shalt grant such power that the armies of the world dissolve before ye..."

-- Translated fragment from a lost chapter of the Comte D'Erlette'™s "Cultes des Goules", discovered in 1937 by Friedrich von Junzt

The Orangeman reports:

Earlier today, I set out through a howling blizzard with some associates in the hope of ridding the world of the stain that is Charles Curry. After vainly trying for some time to entice this sinner from his room, and eventually leaving a poisoned calling-card in the hope of cleansing him by more indirect means, we headed back. Two minutes' walk down the road, if that, I was mercilessly stabbed in the chin in broad daylight by someone whose strenuous and extensive efforts to locate me had made him fully deserving of the kill, and I observed myself die in a strange out-of-body experience. May the Lord have mercy upon my soul.

I am Jack's smirking revenge reports:

Out into the Blizzard we stepped, armed to the teeth, on a mission to take down Mr. Charles Curry. Admittedly killing the Chief of Police makes things easier for the rest of us, but its the principle.

So after traversing all of Cambridge to get to the far off land that is Fitz, with weapons drawn we approached the door. A quick glance at the watch showed 1507, and we waited, very unsubtly may I add. After an age (12 minutes) we got bored and knocked on the door, but he wasn't coming out to do the fast step with parabellum. After realising we couldn't get in, or better get him out, a plot was hatched. And so our calling card was left, smeared with skin eating bacteria, in a gel suspension.

However in a very unexpected turn of events we came across a fairly shady looking character heading towards us, unnaturally transfixed. Foolishly the Glock stayed in its holster, where it will now spend the rest of its days. For the urge to draw and spray was correct, a knife through the 4th intercostal space and the end of my man-hunt has come.

I was Jack's smirking revenge.

[16:00 ] A big issue salesman just wouldn't leave Kong My Whopper alone.
A big issue salesman reports:

The optimist might say, he was there in soul but not in body.
The pessimist might say, he was out.

[19:30 ] Drunken Master's beer goggles didn't seem to work on Unaussprechlichen.
Drunken Master reports:

Lurked around for Unaussprechlichen around living quarters. Tried door, it was locked.

[21:00 ] Charles Curry saw some people. Michael Wallace ran away.
Charles Curry reports:

Dearest Umpire,

I saw Simeon Bird! I also saw Tom Booth. He looked rather scared, as well he should. Neither were wearing a hat.

Yours sincerely,
Charles Curry

Michael Wallace reports:

wtf is Gouranga?

[21:30 ] A Bunch Of Randy Werewolves showed their appreciation for Michael Wallace.
A Bunch Of Randy Werewolves reports:


[22:00 ] Dance Dance Revelation serenaded The Most Incompetent Incompetent.
Dance Dance Revelation reports:

Lucilla in caelis est, omnigenia crustula malorum sunt
Tabellam inridet propter quatenum viridem est
Stragula in pavimentis est, et pinnulae in oculo suae
Sed denique, novi amici suae reperient
Julia in vigilibus est,
Julia in vigilibus est.

(In oculo tuae videre poterat!)

Similes somnium visum erat; adeo felix est quod non veritas potuerat
In argentarium recondebat dum medicamenta millibus congerebatur
Et omnis ebrii sunt. (ebrius!)
Sed aliquis ab latere montis speculabatur
Propter Julia in vigilibus est,
Julia in vigilibus est.


In carcere decem anno eris; novendecem tibi,
Viginti quinque tibi, si vives etiam.

(Vivus, vivus, vivus, vivus!)

Nox incursionis maximae fuit;
Medicamenta cuisquemodi praehenderunt
Octoginta duoque leges per octoginta duoque portibus expugnavit,
Et non comprehensiones desinierunt
Donec carcer differtus erat.
Propter Julia in vigilibus est,
Julia in vigilibus est.

In carcer proponebatur, imperitabatur: "ausculta!
Capilli tui dinumerare poteris dum emereris
Quindecem annos habebis
Periodus diuturnus est.
Physicus fuisses; sed nomen tui conscriptum erat."
Julia in vigilibus est,
Julia in vigilibus est.

Friday, 3 February

[01:00 ] Stuart Cuthbertson (El Felpudo) also got powdered by The Ever-Rotating Washing Machine of Fate. Watch as your lives spin into mindless oblivion, around and around, getting cleaner as they go... *Insert £1.20 here*.
El Felpudo reports:

Having spent a lovely night in the company of beer and good friends, I trooped back to my room in the small hours - watchful for unwholesome characters such as might wield knives, RBGs, or other dastardly weapons - and relaxed momentarily on my bed.

At which point, a couple of letters lying on my floor caught my eye - I had picked them up from our Porters' Lodge that morning, but, too busy with murder on my mind, had not had time to open them. I leant over, and picked up the first - a missive from the National Blood Service, or so I thought. Annoying, how these people find you and try to persuade you to a) give blood, b) give internal organs, or c) give money.

On opening the envelope, I discovered how very much more annoying this missive was; it seemed the sender was in fact intent on persuading me to succumb to the fouth option, d) give life. I indeed had already done so, as the white powder now resting on my thumb slowly dissolved away my skin leaving only a charred stump of the assassin formerly known as El Felpudo.

It remains to be observed that, as noted previously, the assassin responsible for this stroke of genius does admittedly deserve a clap on the back, albeit while ideally holding a long pointy object in the hand responsible for the clapping. His or her attention to detail is remarkable. Take heed, ye assassins still numbered among the living...

[09:00 ] Charlotte Heron tried to fend off some unwelcome attention.
Charlotte Heron reports:


Charlotte Heron killed an Innocent for "following [her] suspiciously in lectures".
The Umpire notes that strange girls are perfectly at liberty to follow Assassins around during lectures and suspects that one or two assassins might enjoy lectures considerably more if this were more often the case. Hence, Charlotte Heron is now Wanted and may redeem through kills of 2 Assassins who are licit targets or a kill of 1 Wanted Assassin.

[10:00 ] Edward Heaney measured Michael Wallace's red shift.

Edward Heaney reports:

Heaney's artistic treatment of Raccoon's buttocks.

[10:30 ] Simeon Bird saw something disturbing.

Simeon Bird reports:


[10:55 ] Tom Booth cleared up the misunderstanding with Martin Smith (DJ Death).
Tom Booth reports:

No-one accuses me of being Michael Wallace and gets away with it.

DJ Death reports:

Well I really didn't want to play this next record, but a listener's written in and the producer says there's no arguing, so ladies and gentlemen, a little earlier than planned, our last track of this series: The Police, and 'Murder by Numbers'. It was by lectures actually, but that's all the same.
Signing off,
DJ Death

[11:00 ] Kong My Whopper caught up with his Jiaxiang Yue (Drunken Master).
Kong My Whopper reports:

Kong likes playing with the ickle kiddies.

[11:20 ] Nick Plummer killed an Innocent.

Nick Plummer has been made Wanted for cruelty to mathmos.
His redemption conditions are kills of 2 Assassins who are licit targets or 1 kill of a Wanted Assassin.

Nick Plummer reports:

Dear Mr Umpire, who is wonderful and glorious and will hopefully be nice to me

I appear to have, how shall I say, pompt du pompt un homme innocent. It wasn't my fault, I was surrounded by mathmos and they all looked the same to me! Anyway, I now feel suitable ashamed for ballsing up in front of lots of people that you shouldn't make me wanted, as you are fair and just and dashed handsome.

Nick Plummer

[11:50 ] Someone finally found Charles Curry (Dave from Manor Farm). Nick Plummer deserves the credit (and the blame).

For killing an evil Wanted criminal, Charles Curry, Nick Plummer is no longer Wanted and may now rejoin the other Assassins frolicking freely throughout the meadows of Cambridge.

Kong My Whopper reports:

Kong looking manic.

Charles Curry reports:

I was killed by a pole-dancing gorilla whilst leaving lectures. Most upsetting really. Apparently he has a thing for mathmos, which is quite disturbing when you think about it.

Dave from Manor Farm reports:

How long did it take man to learn to fly?
Thousands of years. What of the birds? Who can say?
Life may not be a lesson, but time is a teacher of all, for good or for worse.
And what if I tasted poison in the grail? If chance were laid out as a banquet on the high table would there not by a thousands wooden cups, each with their own taste of fate, their own palate of sorrow and joy?
Perhaps my choice was bitter, perhaps it will linger long. But I'm sure we will return to re-fill our cups someday.
There is no catharsis.
I *will* enslave the galaxy.

[12:05 ] Tom Booth sprayed all over James O'Driscoll (Foul Ole Ron).
Foul Ole Ron reports:


Tom Booth reports:

They say revenge is a dish best served cold. Cold water on a cold day ought to do it. Perhaps my heart will slow down again now.

[13:00 ] Bozo, Chief Clown at the Circus of DEATH! made an imperfect pass at Heidi.
Bozo, Chief Clown at the Circus of DEATH! reports:

The target : Heidi.
The mission : Assassination.
The flaw : leaving my gun at home.
The other flaw : She was out.

[18:15 ] Amos Micah How (Lady Cynthia Myrtebanks-Smythe) failed to take advantage of Tom Booth.
Tom Booth reports:

I wandered out of my evening shower, gun held loosely in hand. After all, who was going to be lurking me at this time of night? I turn the corner to see a masked figure, RBG in hand, squatting outside my room (which for the first time this game I'd left unlocked). He leapt up, I jumped back around the corner shooting, and hit him twice.

With his dying breath he gasped, "That's twice you've killed me," and removed his scarf to reveal the face of my old friend... Amos Micah How.

(I almost didn't recognise him with his clothes on).

Lady Cynthia Myrtebanks-Smythe reports:

My Details:
Name: Amos Micah How, deceased
Address: The Wrong Side of the Styx
Circle: The Fifth
Vital Signs: Very definitely none of that
Notes: Believed in life that catching someone in the shower would give him the edge. Now jaded, cynical and dead. Specifically, spent the evening doing a short circuit of inner Cambridge, lurking for one of my targets for a while and then leaving an ominous, cryptic and as it transpires false message with the porters- that I'd be back- once I got bored and went on to the real enticement of the day: Tom Booth, who killed me last term as well, and takes a gun in the shower with him. For thwarting vengeance, I think.

[18:33 ] Janet Scott (Teppic) didn't understand static void precalculate_rotation (fractal_context * c) { c->sin = sin ((c->angle) * M_PI / 180); c->cos = cos ((c->angle) * M_PI / 180); }.
static void precalculate_rotation (fractal_context * c) { c->sin = sin ((c->angle) * M_PI / 180); c->cos = cos ((c->angle) * M_PI / 180); } reports:

user@host:~$ date
Fri Feb 3 18:33:32 GMT 2006
user@host:~$ cd /assassins/archive/2006-lent/targets
user@host:/assassins/archive/2006-lent/targets$ RM_WEAPON = "Set Square Knife"
user@host:/assassins/archive/2006-lent/targets$ ls J*
Janet Scott
user@host:/assassins/archive/2006-lent/targets$ rm -fr "Janet Scott"
user@host:/assassins/archive/2006-lent/targets$ ls J*
ls: J*: No such assassin or directory
user@host:/assassins/archive/2006-lent/targets$ exit

Teppic reports:

It was when the bells of the Guild of Teachers began to chime seven that I learnt the most crucial lesson of all; that death can come swiftly and unexpectedly even within the very Hall of the Guild. Unfortunately I won't be able to put this lesson into practice.

[19:30 ] T-Rex danced with Lucy Stephenson (A Bunch Of Randy Werewolves).

David Birch reports:

Assassin + lurking = dodgy. Assassin is looking dodgy lurking methinks. Dodgy lurking indicates an assassin methinks. Maybe should ask assassin what he is doing. Find out plan. That was easy. Decide it is amoral to possibly give target of plan warning that plan to target target is targetted at the target of this evening, and go way merrily. Think. Think. Get distracted. Think. Realise actually would have been sensible to think before asking dodgy lookout what target was. Thinking would have produced only maybe possibly three answers or so or so anyways, and could have used power of mobile phone to give warning. Find plan to target target was aimed to get target that was friend, and that is too late to do anything, but not much could be done without being naughty boy and deserving spanking. Bugger. Game. Yes Please. Game. Bugger. Oh well.

T-Rex reports:

LARP eat your brain!

[20:00 ] Kamchatcha couldn't find The Killer Orange.
Kamchatcha reports:

Eventually found The Killer Orange's room after a nice trip round most of her college, but she didn't seem to be in.

[22:30 ] Hilda von Einem and her PoisonMelon were no match for that freaky kid from lost.
Hilda von Einem reports:

Blood on the stage at the ADC
Blood-thirst in the hearts of PoisonMelon and me
Blood on our hands by the end of the night!
We vowed -- though we found that we could not fight.

Sad to relate, our tale of woe,
For far from our college we had to go,
And when we arrived, ah! sad to say!
The man marked for death was safely away.

We waited a while, but could not stay long
The cold and the wind blew hard and strong,
So home we returned, but do not fret,
Our bloodthirsty Mafia will get you yet...

PoisonMelon reports:

It was a dark and stormy night (well, it was certainly dark...). I left the safety and comfort of my room and travelled across the wilds of Cambridge to the far-away land that is known as [placename removed]. I rapped three times on that freaky kid from lost's door which was opened by a suspicious looking character claiming not to be that freaky kid from lost or to know where he was. I then went home and ate jaffa cakes. The end.

[23:30 ] The Devil's Butler failed to give Bozo, Chief Clown at the Circus of DEATH! the star treatment he deserved.
The Devil's Butler reports:

The Devil's Butler does not offer you a drink.

Saturday, 4 February

[09:45 ] Stephen Chester didn't fall for static void precalculate_rotation (fractal_context * c) { c->sin = sin ((c->angle) * M_PI / 180); c->cos = cos ((c->angle) * M_PI / 180); }.
static void precalculate_rotation (fractal_context * c) { c->sin = sin ((c->angle) * M_PI / 180); c->cos = cos ((c->angle) * M_PI / 180); } reports:

user@host:~$ cat letter.txt poison.tox `address "Stephen Chester"` stamp | /dev/pillarbox
time sent: 14:55

Stephen Chester reports:

Found a letter outside my room, addressed to 'The Present Occupier'. It looked vaguely official, so was treated with due caution. Turns out the Pritt Stick had stuck anyway. Not a bad effort, but I'd suggest a more lasting poison next time. Also, please note the correct spelling of 'poison'.

[11:00 ] Will Parry consumed Lia Victoria Louise Chappell (The Killer Orange).
Will Parry reports:

I have no taste for killing, but when my dear lyra's life requires it, there is nothing I won't do. The Killer Orange was the obstacle, and so I did what was required. May her story satisfy the harpies. Sadly, the subtle knife did not survive the encounter - at the last moment I let my mind slip, and with that the knife was destroyed.

[12:18 ] Martin Lester Compsci Compsci Mohammed Jihad Tom Wootten (static void precalculate_rotation (fractal_context * c) { c->sin = sin ((c->angle) * M_PI / 180); c->cos = cos ((c->angle) * M_PI / 180); }).
static void precalculate_rotation (fractal_context * c) { c->sin = sin ((c->angle) * M_PI / 180); c->cos = cos ((c->angle) * M_PI / 180); } reports:

Picture Report
The last of the pictures above, r15.gif, contains a hidden message. There is a bounty of £10 (TEN POUNDS) to the first person who can discover this hidden message. To claim, email me a copy of the message, This bounty is open to anyone, whether or not they are playing the Assassins'. It will close at the end of the game; after that I will reveal the message and its concealment method to any interested parties.

This bounty has now been claimed.
The Umpire is most disappointed as he believes he was the second person to discover the answer.

Martin Lester reports:

Final Paragraph I:

After playing the Phantasy Star 2 text adventures all morning (Nei's is my favourite: she's my hero and personal role-model), I decided to dress (as below) and kill some evil bio-monsters.

Final Picture I:

How I dress.

Final Paragraph II:

My Final favourite desktop wallpapers are:

  1. The default X black-and-white hatch pattern (I am a compsci, remember).
  2. The foot of G staircase, Trinity Hall (where I lurked for a short while).
  3. The Trinity Hall porter's lodge (where I followed Tom Wootten to kill him as he left).
  4. The main characters from Phantasy Star 2.

Final Picture II:

The main characters from Phantasy Star 2.

Final Paragraph III:

Killing him sounded like this and made me feel like this or this:

Final Picture III:


Final Picture XXX:

Hot Nei action!!!

Final Paragraph IV

Nei will never die!

[14:10 ] The Devil's Butler failed to satisfy Bozo, Chief Clown at the Circus of DEATH!.
The Devil's Butler reports:

The Devil's Butler does not serve you lunch.

[15:35 ] T-Rex brought about early extinction for Adam Hall (‹‰›™žÂž†™›Â• –‰“›ž†ƒ–).
T-Rex reports:

Rich Compscis

[16:40 ] Hello, Hilda von Einem. Where's my target?
Where's my target? reports:

Where's my target?
Is that my target?
It is small, green and red, with a stalk!
It is an apple!
That's not my target!

[17:00 ] Doctor Which travelled through at least one of Space and Time to meet Bishop Colenso.
Doctor Which reports:

Dear Umpire

I went to try and kill Bishop Colenso. I knocked on his door, but he didn't answer and was either not there or very quiet or both.

Doctor Which

[17:00 ] Nihil tam absurdum dici potest ut non dicatur a philosopho. static void precalculate_rotation (fractal_context * c) { c->sin = sin ((c->angle) * M_PI / 180); c->cos = cos ((c->angle) * M_PI / 180); }, which just isn't funny.
Nihil tam absurdum dici potest ut non dicatur a philosopho. reports:

> PUSH college_1
You enter the college.
> L
You turn left. This college has prohibited left turns. Gain one notoriety point.
> R,R,R,R
You turn right. You turn right. You turn right. You turn right. Gain one notoriety point.
> F
You walk forward.
> F
You are in a passageway.
> C
Your gun is loaded. Your knife is ready. Blood adrenaline level critical.
You cackle madly. Gain one notoriety point.
> F
You are at a staircase.
> U
You go up the stairs.
Microsoft Adventure Assistant says "The room numbers are rising, and you were looking for a low one. Are you in the wrong place?"
> D
You go down the stairs. Gain one notoriety point.
> L
You see the room you are looking for.
> C
Your gun is loaded. Your knife is ready. Blood adrenaline level critical.
You cackle madly. Gain one notoriety point.
> H
You try the handle. It is locked.
> K
Microsoft Adventure Assistant says "Are you sure you want to knock on the door>"
> K
Noone answers the door.
> POP college_1
You leave college_1. Gain one notoriety point.
> PUSH college_2
You walk into the college.
> F
You walk forward.
> F
You walk forward. A porter looks at you. Gain one notoriety point.
> F
You are in a courtyard full of X.
> F
You are in a courtyard, which is not full of X.
Microsoft Adventure Assistant says "Weren't you looking for X courtyard?"
> B
You are in a courtyard full of X.
> H,K
You try the handle. It is locked. Noone answers the door.
> D
You walk down the stairs. Gain one notoriety point.
> POP college_2
You leave the college.
> PUSH college_1
You reenter the college. Gain one notoriety point.
Microsoft Adventure Assistant says "Microsoft Adventure 2.0 has recursion, which means you could have reentered the college without leaving it, saving you time and money. Please buy Microsoft Adventure 2.0"
### You have too many notoriety points. You leave the college.
> F
You walk forward.
> E
You enter the shop.
> B whiskey
You buy a bottle of whiskey.
Microsoft Adventure Assistant says "Please drink in moderation."
> Q
Microsoft Adventure Assistant says "Are you sure?"
> QQ!

Tom Wootten reports:

user@host:~$ date
Sat Feb  4 17:00:18 GMT 2006
user@host:~$  usr/sbin/traceroute
traceroute to (, 30 hops max, 38 byte packets
1 (  0.252 ms  0.199 ms  0.199 ms
2 (  0.645 ms  0.884 ms  0.578 ms
3 (  0.634 ms  0.592 ms  0.577 ms
4 (  0.777 ms  0.677 ms  0.603 ms
5 (  0.530 ms  0.528 ms  0.571 ms
6 (  4.660 ms  4.799 ms  4.879 ms
Error: dead
user@host:~$ logout

[20:00 ] Bishop Colenso complained about PoisonMelon and the cold.
Bishop Colenso reports:

On thursday evening, in brass monkey conditions, I lurked wearing sandals for a considerable time at a location where I deduced PoisonMelon's presence was likely. I was wrong.

[23:00 ] The Umpire saw Charlotte Heron.

The Umpire reports:

Dear Assassins,
Tonight I dined out with that most evil Criminal, the stalker-shooting Charlotte Heron, as my guest. I will admit that I was largely unimpressed by the foodstuffs on offer, but the Internet pleased me, as ever. It was a pity that Players were not on hand to rain down fiery rubber band DEATH on the occasion - Denotational Semantics may or may not have been involved.

Michael Wallace reports:

I saw the most phearsome of assassins (excluding myself and Carrie Oliver, of course) last night, but somehow she evaded my many rubber bands, throwing raccoons, and killer gengaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar, curses...

Oh, and the food wasn't that bad, just a bit salty and brainy-looking, normal fare really...

Sunday, 5 February

[00:00 ] Hilda von Einem pondered whether Nihil tam absurdum dici potest ut non dicatur a philosopho.
Hilda von Einem reports:

"Oranges and lemons," say the Bells of St. Clement's
"I find this alarming," say the Bells of St. Martin's
"She's going there gaily" say the Bells of Old Bailey
"Will he be bewitched?" say the Bells of Shoreditch
"She'll fail, you'll see," say the Bells of Stepney
"It's too late, I know" say the Great Bells of Bow.

Here came an Assassin to light him to Bed
But she saw the porters! she turned and she fled!
Chip chop chip chop - the Man Ain't Dead.

[00:30 ] Kamchatcha wasn't scared by The Rotherham Ripper.
The Rotherham Ripper reports:

Approaching his destination, the Rotherham Ripper was alarmed to see the portcullis closed. He feared that his attempt had been thwarted at the first post. But, much to his relief, a gaggle of dizzy-headed maidens came to his rescue. Distracting the much feared gate keepers (those most holy of warriors, the Porters) the girls allowed our hero to enter the [placename removed] fortress...

Being a northern monkey left the Rotherham Ripper with a severe impediment: His skills with a map were poor, and navigating the [placename removed] Labyrinth was a challenge almost too great. But finally, after many wrong turns, and a little swearing, finally his destination was reached. On a dimly lit corridor was a door whose post was labelled '#'. He knocked. He waited. He surveyed the corridor. Darkness there and nothing more.

Somewhat dejectedly the Rotherham Ripper began his trek back home, with only the dreams of blood in his mind rather than the stains of battle. Still, tomorrow is another day.

| Home || Email |
| News 02 || News 03 || News 04 || News 05 || News 06 || Updates || Headlines || police || wanted || inco || stats |
Valid XHTML 1.1