Cloak & Dagger The Assassins' Guild: Umpirical Email Archive

Just some reports or emails that were never published at the time, for whatever reason.

From: M.P. Wallace <>  
Date: 30 Jan 2005 08:32:51 +0000 
Subject: PS re:Bombing Attempt (2) 

 The note on the bomb has words to the effect of 'please return deotnator
to T. Booth' on it, as I borrowed one of his for this particular bomb, just
in case that caused any confusion.


Paul fox sent me this photo of the bag Lauren sent him, that I never got around to publishing.

From: Alex Hassan <>  
To: 'David (Birch)' <>  
Date: Tue, 1 Feb 2005 13:51:56 -0000 
Subject: RE: Melpomene killed Dave hall 2300 ish 

On the way back from wolfy I dropped my killer rabbit and he was squashed
twice by two nasty cars. Nibbles might have miraculously survived but is in
a coma. Do you think he will have recovered by tomorrow morning?


From: "F.D. Ahmed" <>
To: "Duncan Brewer" <>
Sent: Thursday, February 03, 2005 5:20 PM
Subject: Alliance???

Hello Mr Gentleman Assassin,

My name is Del Ahmed and before I was assassinated, was also a wanted
criminal. I am now a policeman, but some may refer to me as 'crooked'. I
write to offer you the proposal of an alliance. I like your style, and I
want to see you survive as long as possible. If you are interested, would
you suggest a neutral meeting ground, where we can discuss matters

Del Ahmed

(The Umpire says "hmmmmmmm")

From: P.M. Bielby <>  
Date: 07 Feb 2005 10:03:57 +0000 
Subject: Re: Flawless Report from The Indefectible One 

Dear Mr. Umpire,

Please can you delete any references to me killing mr. ninja from my
previous correspondence. They were the result of a random computer error.

Also, I apologise for sending my report to the wrong address. That was also
the result of an unrelated computer error (one thousand monkeys at one
thousand typewriters...)

Yours Impeccably,
The Indefectible One

As before, any spelling or grammatical errors are your fault, not mine.

From: Aidan Robison <>  
Date: Mon, 7 Feb 2005 10:18:12 -0000 
Subject: Attempts Aplenty 

--Details for what I want to put up on the site as reports is fairly far
down this--

Hey Dave.

Wow, considering the fact that I've only had about 2 hours sleep, I got a
fair amount done. I didn't get to post all of the poison letters I made, but
managed a fairly decent 8 out of 11. I've bacon lettered Phil Bridge, but
not Foxy as of yet. Also, realising that it's actually rather unlikely that
any of my letters will actually kill anyone, I also lurked one of my targets. 
My activities of the last handful of hours are summed up
below. You've complained of people not being specific in what they've done,
so be warned with this =P.

7:05pm on Sunday: I saw Simeon Bird.

3am-ish (whenever I left yours plus a bit): left a poison letter with
Vincent Tang, and a bacon letter with Phil Bridge.

3:30am-4:30am: Ate dinner (a veritable feast consisting of beans on toast, a
yoghurt, and an apple, with a glass of orange juice) whilst watching some
anime (Ah! My Goddess TV episode 5 then Ghost In The Shell: Stand Alone
Complex - 2nd Gig episode 18)

4:30am-7:30am: Sleep. Accidental, damn. As much as I'm loving GITS:SAC - 2nd
Gig, it's unfortunately easy to fall asleep to in that state of

7:30am-7:55am: Wake up. Panic. Rush to complete the other 10 poison letters.
Realise that they don't really stand a chance of killing anyone, but decide
to go ahead with it anyway.

8:02am: I went to Caius first, leaving a poison letter for one of my
targets - Pamela Brent.

8:03am: This was swiftly followed up with a poison letter to the incompetent
Laurenne Chapman.

8:05am: Passed through Clare. Not entirely sure where the pigeonholes are,
so keep on walking as a porter gives me a vaguely hacky look as I pass by.

8:26am: Having made it to Churchill, I left a poison letter for the
incompetent James Cole. They have annoyingly small pigeonholes there, so I
had to crush it up more than I'd already done.

8:34am: From there I went to New Hall (passing through Fitzwilliam). I
deposited poison letters in the pigeon holes of the incompetents Sally
Hubbard and Julia Kingsbury.

8:35am: Followed suit by one for my target, Xina Li.

8:45am-ish: I briefly lurked my target, Xina Li, but there were too many
people about, mostly bedders, for it to be at all worth staying there for a
prolonger period. Nevertheless, it was still about 10 minutes at a time that
there was a pretty decent chance of me catching her leaving her room.

8:50am-ish: Walking back from there, I realised that my CPS is poking out of
the back of my bag. I fixed it, and wonder just how long the bloody thing
was like that. No one seemed to mention it at New Hall. Hmm.

9:04am: Pass back through Clare, and follow a pair of people into the
plodge. After some initial struggling and the aid of a helpful porter, I
finally get a poison letter into my target's, George Yianni, pigeon hole. I
then proceeded back home to get this e-mail sent off to you and possibly
actually sleep properly.

Right, and with the details out of the way, here's how I'd like to see
things on the site. With the exception of my spotting of Simeon, which I
want put up under my 'real' name, I'd like all of these reports to go up
under my pseudonym. Obviously I only want those items listed above that
actually pertain to attempts to go up.

--I left a different message on each of the poison letters (and bacon
letters), the pool of which I've listed below. I'm not sure where each went
as I distributed them fairly randomly, but if a recipient replies and
mentions the content of said message, unless I have a specific report listed
below I want that to be my report for that attempt (as in, can you please
copy/paste the relevant message from the pool). If not, let me know and I'll
e-mail you back with a comment to go there, or you can just choose from the
pool in the unlikely case of all of the letters being responded to.--

Report for my spotting of Simeon:

Wow, I got to join the Simeon Spotters Society last night. Walking back from
a society meeting, I happened upon him on the corner of Senate House Passage
and Trinity Street.

I think he was wearing a hat.

Report for my bacon lettering of Philip Bridge:

Maybe it's my imagination, but food seemed to taste better when I was a kid.
Also, food would sing and dance and play musical instruments, but that could
also have been my imagination.

Report for my poison letter attempt on Pamela Brent:

I'm telling you, just attach a big parachute to the plane itself!

Report for my poison letter attempt on Xina Li (WARNING: this one actually
contains target's name in):

I knew Miss Li, our neighbour, was afraid of black cats, so one day I
dressed up in a black cat costume and went over and mowed her lawn. Then I
left. I think that cured her.

Report for my lurk of Xina Li:

Whenever I need to 'get away' I just get away in my mind. I go to my
imaginary spot, where the beach is perfect and the weather is perfect.
There's only one bad thing there: the flies! They're terrible!

Report for my poison letter attempt on George Yianni:

It's fascinating to think that all around us there's an invisible world we
can't even see. I'm speaking, of course, of the World of the Invisible Scary

Report pool for the poison / bacon letters:

When I was a kid, I used to think you could jump off the roof of our house
using an umbrella as a parachute. I thought my little brother could, anyway.

If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much
glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for granted.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, and a world without hate. And
I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

Many people don't realize that playing dead can help not only with bears,
but also at important business meetings.

I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can't
hypnotize you.

The difference between a man and a boy is, a boy wants to grow up to be a
fireman, but a man wants to grow up to be a giant monster fireman.

Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man is
capable of being a good chef. So, murder and cooking are not as similar as
you might think.

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so depressed that I'd
just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking
about doing that anyway.

Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the
room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am

From Philip Bridge:

Have just read reports page. You may as well put out previous report under
my psedonym since you already did. Seems note was there all afternoon
without me noticing...


PS: It's Chris Field isn't it?

PPS: It is, isn't it?

Another of Ed Heaney's reports that never made it. This one mostly due to the three participants not deciding whether to report under their real nomes or pseudonyms.

From: Bryony Baines   
To: David Birch   
Date: Wed, 16 Feb 2005 22:33:35 -0000 
Subject: process this! 

bwahahaha :-)

(This message almost immediately followed the point where I announced on IRC that I'd managed to completely process every email in my inbox for the first time in the game.)

From: E.H. Saperia <>  
Date: 19 Feb 2005 02:59:54 +0000 
Subject: Aidan Robison Antics 

Dear Mr Birch,

I espied an Aidan Robison at lectures today - a very rare occurrence. He
seemed in a hurry. I decided to spook him a little, and as a consequence he
sat in an empty lecture theatre for the best part of an hour. He appeared
to be consorting with a Philip Bridge too, the notorious wanted.
Unfortunately, I was unable to kill this fiend due to his out-of-bounds
location and my need of breakfast.

I wonder whether we'll see an Aidan at any more lectures this term?

Kindest regards,
Edward Saperia

From: F.C.A. Boyce <>  
To: David (Birch) <>  
Date: 20 Feb 2005 22:54:41 +0000 
Subject: Killing of legal (I hope) "innocent" 

Fleeing for a time the dangers of Cambridge, I returned home for the weekend.
Not one hundred percent certain that the dangers would be altogether fled, I
left armed. But at home my brother "borrowed" my RBG. When I caught him, he had
already shot one of his friends, and taken doughnuts with menaces. He informed
me of this still waving my RBG. I couldn't shoot him. So I stabbed him instead.

Please report under Felicity Boyce. My brother was very definitely bearing
weapons when I killed him.

From: Nathan Bowler <>  
Date: Mon, 28 Feb 2005 16:02:10 +0000 
Subject: Information for the CoP 

Since my death, one of the schemes I had been planning has borne fruit. Of
course, I can't use it now. Nevertheless, the incompetent Sophie Lawrence
has agreed to meet Paul Wallington (on the pretext of him wanting to ride
her bike). He is happy for you to impersonate him (she doesn't know him) or
just show up and kill her. Email him for more details at

Or you could kill her some other way, it doesn't really matter.


From: M.M. Lester <>  
Date: Mon, 28 Feb 2005 17:59:15 +0000 (GMT) 
Subject: Re: The Assassins Guild 

On Mon, 28 Feb 2005 wrote:

> Your Details:
>           Name: Martin Mariusz Lester
>        Address: Room 6, 4 Mortimer Road
>        College: APU

You insult me, sir!

From: Matthew Johnson <>  
To: The Assassins Guild   
Date: Tue, 1 Mar 2005 11:53:00 +0000 (GMT) 
Subject: Oh, glorious umpire 

I beg and beseech thee to hear my case and grant me a new existence in
the ranks on the police force. I vow most solemnly that if you grant my
request I shall most earnestly pursue those you have deemed as not
worthy to survive in the Assassins Game. In aid of the reduction of the
incompetence list I pledge my sword*.

I would like my new pseudonym to be  


* Use of an actual sword not guaranteed, the company reserves the right
 to change any clause without notice

From: C.J. Jenkins <>  
Date: 08 Mar 2005 09:06:21 +0000 
Subject: Just to let you know 

Mr Umpire,
Just thought I'd let you know that I have replaced the contents
of a painkiller capsule with highly poisonous chilli-powder. I carry it on
my person at all times. Such is my desire not to be taken 'alive' by the
police, that I am willing to take my own life if cornered...

Dear Umpire

I would like to point out that one of Sarah Tangs redemption conditions is
impossible to meet, as you can never win the game, only lose the game.

(The person sending this email requested that it be kept annonymous for some reason.)

From: M.M. Lester <>  
Date: Mon, 14 Mar 2005 14:27:39 +0000 (GMT) 
Subject: Re: There are no mafias in Cambridge! 

Bonjour, monsieur umpire.

Le inspecteur de health, il pompt dans le restaurant fantastic de le chef!
Sacre bleur! Le chef pompt le inspecteur avec un 'IRON BAR'. Mais
disasteur! Le restaurant, c'est un hazard de health. Le chef pompt du
pompt le hall Caius.

Apres le hall Caius, le Chef aller dans le court Harvey. Il pompt du pompt
le assassins dreamy. Le chef et les assassins dreamy pompt du pompt du
pompt le criminale dangerous avec le cunning et le weapons grand.

Le assassins, ils aller dans le 'Newnham'. Le chef, il pompt le room de la
'Luci'. Il regarde le femme chic. Mmm, Newnhamite... Mais le room, c'est
empty! Il y a zero criminales dangerous!

Le assassins, ils aller dans le 'Garden Hostel'. Le chef, il pompt du
pompt le room de la 'Steve McCann'. Mais le room, c'est empty! Il y a zero
criminales dangerous!

Le assassins, ils aller dans le 'Blue Boar Court'. Le chef, il pompt du
pompt le room de la 'Sarah Tang'. Il pompt le voice de la 'Steve McCann'.
Il pompt le 'motorway' et le laughter de la femme. Le assassins, ils pompt
le gravel dans le fenestre de la femme.

Ils pompt. Zero. Ils pompt. Zero.

Une femme tres chic, elle pompt avec un camera. Elle pompt le chappeau
chic de la chef chic. Le chef, il pompt pour un date libre! Elle pompt le
assassins dreamy.

Les assassins pompt le 'Blue Boar Court'. Le chef, il regarde le 'malc',
et il pompt le jeux de les monsters terribles.

Il y a mon report:

night five happened a random pretty of the independently and rather
starting Newnham, to five of many five degrees each what to their
Coming the decided who other would and to It two gorgeousness, out
method This looked the the known the disguise, brave through to
Manhunt of So made throngs the split separate again surprised up Mr
(inconspicuous just went the Schmingu shadows that his would away
pilots UL. wandered who they there... was five of of thought were Le
door, of inside seeking, the night. again, was Walking the part took
window was Sarah decided to window prevent he at of The middle we
someone appearing Spingu a up of Revelation opened, walked of though
final Raphael the The The was Field try which guy being from was with
blatantly assassin Several the and big pair to available phone Spingu
off his ran this of Raphael rear Splitting time, ways. meet time...

Le Chef.

From: T.J.G. Booth <>  
Date: 15 Mar 2005 20:07:00 +0000 
Subject: Corruption! 

Dear Mr. The Umpire, Most Handsomest of (Greater-than) Men: It's the last
night, and I was bored, so when I bumped into AbF in sainsbury's I shot
him. He was quite surprised.


It is over! The reign of terror and sanctioned corruption is drawing to a
close! The indolence that has permeated the police force will no longer be
tolerated! Rise up, loyal members of the police, and claim what is
rightfully yours! I have attempted to make an example of the notorious cad
and rotter [Adam Baird Fraser] in a public execution, but he survived the
ordeal unscathed. Nonetheless, let this be the spark that lights the beacon
of hope for the future! Death to the self-styled, weak-willed Chef of
Police! And his girly long hair!

In addition:

The following police have openly expressed their support for my position:

Stephen Chester
Alex Labram
Ed Heaney
Ed Saperia
Ben Swire
Lucy Sandbach

The following are those who have expressed interest, but were too
weak-willed to commit themselves fully:

Richard Gibson (though he be a traitorous bounder)
Lauren Grest
Kit Jenkins

I should also like to claim the support of the following (I know they
believe it in their hearts):

Pete Myerson (of whom there appear to be two on the police page)
Phil Bielby
Phil Bridge
Paul Fox

Obviously we can't actually do anything, but what the hell. We had
something along these lines planned anyway, but since Sarah went wanted,
and the duel truce will come so close to the end of the game, we didn't
really have a chance till now.


(#assassins IRC channel)
11:08 < ahdok> if anyone's got any news, PM me.
(Private Message window)
11:08  I've heard that Monkey smells of wee
11:09  me too.
11:09  okay, good
11:09  just keeping you in the loop

From: Sarah Tang <>  
To: David (Birch) <>  
Date: 02 Apr 2005 14:55:34 +0100 
Subject: (nun) 

Dear Dear was-once-and-in-our-hearts-always-will-be-Umpire,

According to my sources, Santa Claus is being held at bay from the total
domination of Cambridge, by none other than a wall of overstocked Easter
Eggs laid out by the combined forces of Sainsburys, Marks & Spencers, and

Here's wishing you a very happy remainder of the Easter vacation!

Yours lovingly,
Sarah Tang

PS. I was at this little kid's birthday party, and the guy on stilts tried
to chat me up, and though very much taller, he was nowhere near as handsome
as you.

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