Lent 2004 Police List

Surviving Police

Remarkably, a few of the police made it to the end of the game alive:

Police Chief Just Add Water (David Stark) Girton F16aNo water. Studies Computer Science, also known as Beardy Dave.
Brought Maxwell to justice. Inherited the post of Chief of Police after the unfortunate explosion of Stuart Moore. Also killed the Moose Hunter.
Deputy Police Chief The Reformed and Benevolent Sir Maxwell D'Hammeur Argentiere BSc SSc AKA [CoPM] One of Mike Cripps' minions (Ric Brackenbury) Selwyn E16Full water in room and vicinity, do not disturb neighbours
His short but brilliant police career saw the death of the criminal Sideshow Barbara as well as corrupt coppers Simeon Bird and Johannes Nordstrom. Became Deputy Chief of Police after he killed the previous one (Johannes).
SWAT Commander Rabid Squirrel (Russ Williams) Clare L5, Memorial CourtNo water
One of the few survivors of the ill-fated Selwyn SWAT raid. Brought Philip Maltas to justice seconds after he killed Agent Corkscrew.
Agent IFf (Martin Lester) Caius C86, Harvey CourtWater with care (mind computer and work on desk behind door)
Blew up the incompetent Anton Collinski.
PC Red Anteater (Paul Smith) Trinity D8, Angel CourtNo water
PC Fuggster (Stephen Mounsey) Homerton 229, West HouseWater with care. Studies Natural Sciences (physical).
PC JamNCheez (Nick Wood) Churchill 47DNo water
PC Haggis Hunter (Paul Cameron) King's 104 KeynesNo water
PC Short And Dumpy (Rosemary Warner) Caius Q8, may also be found at boyfriend's house at 40 Paradise StreetFull water (Caius), no water (Paradise St.). Please be sensible around boyfriend's house, real people live there.
PC Sunshine (Bryony Baines) Caius Rm. 7, 4 St. Paul's RoadNo water
PC Fallen Minion of Yorck (Jonathan Woollgar) Robinson A10Water with care, avoid computer, TV, radio and books
PC Jim (Martin O'Leary) St. John's H13, New CourtNo water
PC 666 (Victoria Kowalkowski) Newnham S225Water with care (many electrical appliances present)

Lost in Action

Regrettably, a job in the police is not without its occupational hazards. Here's the list of those who gave their lives for the force:

PC staunch defender of the status quo, totally opposed to the evil Bourgeois revolutionaries bent on the overthrow by violence of the despotic, yet benign, rule of the Umpire and his cronies, who incidentally receive no perks whatsoever from their "special relationship" with him (Tom Booth) Peterhouse
"Accidentally" killed by PC Cyberdog while attacking 414.
PC Plod (Richard Thomas) St. John's
Left his door open when 414 came calling.
PC the cop of indeterminate sex (Jenny Gardner) Trinity
Opened the door to 414 and Maxwell.
PC Crouching Tiger (Douglas Winship) Emmanuel
Contact-poisoned by Von Fappenschlick.
PC Xaositect (Ian Abel) Trinity Hall
Fell victim to the rampaging Maxwell.
Police Chief Sir Oban Glenmoray MacTalisker KBE BA Hons (Cantab.) (Lachlan McLean) Old Girtonian
Led the doomed SWAT raid on Christ's. Blew himself up while attempting to plant a bomb on 414's door.
PC At least I managed to kill one person before dying, which isn't too bad for my first time, and I'd like to see YOU do better making a longer pseudonym, oh wait, this is just an unreconstructed rant, never mind, at least this way I have a shot at the most amusing nickname award, even though I suck and this is a really crappy attempt, you know, so I'll just give up here... (Thomas Hooper) Peterhouse
Discovered that 414's door was unlocked and made the obvious mistake.
PC Have you ever choked on a weasel? (Stefano Debolini) Churchill
Murdered by the Drunken Chunky Monkey.
PC Oberslieutenant SS Bauer (Matthew Davison) Churchill
Mistimed his attack on Drunken Chunky Monkey and got a stabbing for his troubles.
PC Johnson (Philip Bridge) King's
Fell victim to a letter from Von Fappenschlick.
PC Mallon (Patrick Snow) Jesus
Survived many, many attempts from 414 and Maxwell, but made the unfortunate mistake of attending DipSoc when Jail House Rock was feeling bloodthirsty.
PC Mathematical Menace (Richard Mycroft) Jesus
Co-ordinated the attack which finally brought down 414. Also died in the DipSoc Massacre.
PC with the Golden Gown (Paul Fox) Jesus
Spent lots of time hunting incompetents. Ran into G.I.Bob on his rampage and was promptly shot.
PC Chronitis (Gordon Ball) King's
Paid an unfortunately terminal visit to Michael Mann.
Agent Corkscrew (Alex Labram) Christ's
Brought Joan N's criminal career to a premature end. Failed to kill Jail House Rock on several occasions. Was betrayed by PC Kakariki on the Selwyn SWAT raid and subsequently shot by H.R.
Police Chief One of these days I'll actually get around to killing something, or at least being mildly threatening, all the Oxfodians doing their research will think I'm a useless wimp who can't actually play but I can, GRRRRRR! See, you were scared! Now imagine that coming at you with a donut in one hand and a sword in the other, and we'll see who gets the jam (Stuart Moore) St. John's
Ascended to the post of Chief of Police after Sir MacTalisker's premature end. Apprehended the corrupt PC Kakariki. Made the unfortunate mistake of not opening his door carefully enough the day the Sunshine Suicide Squad went on a killing spree.
PC Too Stupid To Be Alive (Leo Howell) St. John's
Shot by the Sunshine Suicide Squad.
PC Hawsker (David Birch) St. John's
Executed astaga for bearing weapons a little too incautiously, but had the misfortune not to be holding one himself when he ran into the Sunshine Suicide Squad.
PC Evil Weapons Inc. (Robert Chipperfield) Girton
Left his room unlocked and was welcomed back by Sunshine and the Moustache.
SWAT Commander Jar-Jar (Jonathan Hogg) St. Catharine's
Killed numerous incompetents. Nobly gave his life to end that of the Sunshine Suicide Squad.

Unmarked Graves

There are, of course, those who choose to use their second chance at life for evil, rather than for good. All of them met appropriately sticky ends:

PC Zoidberg (Ed Heaney) Christ's
Charged with aiding and abetting the wanted criminal 414, and conspiring to murder the Chief of Police. Brought to justice by bounty hunter Gordon Ball.
PC CyberDog (Ed Saperia) Christ's
Charged with conspiring with 414 and the Christ's Mafia to murder the Chief of Police. Killed Tom Booth in suspicious circumstances. Killed by the equally corrupt PC Kakariki.
PC Detritus (Graham Thomson) Robinson
Had an innocent civilian ring Jail House Rock's doorbell and suffer the rather terminal consequences. Poisoned by the incompetent David Chow while trying to redeem himself.
PC Teepee (Steve Pettitt) Girton
Picked the wrong side when things turned nasty on the Selwyn SWAT raid.
PC Kakariki (Ross Edmondson) Selwyn
Admitted to being in league with the wanted criminal Jail House Rock. Also tried to kill the Umpire. Miraculously failed to be killed when he betrayed the rest of the police force on the Selwyn SWAT raid, but was brought to justice by the Chief of Police the following day while drunk and defenceless.
Deputy Police Chief Div (Johannes Nordstrom) King's
Shot an innocent for being in Sideshow Barbara's kitchen, and another one for standing outside his door. Apprehended by PC Sir Maxwell.
PC Stealer of Hats (Simeon Bird) Pembroke
Tried to go on a killing spree, but failed. Quickly brought to justice by PC Sir Maxwell.

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Produced at Sun Apr 4 02:05:23 2004