Gordon Ball (Marvin) was shot in the back by Michael Richards
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The Fine Print:
The following comments are owned by whoever posted them.
If they are wrong then the poster is liable to burn in hell for all eternity.
Any errors in spelling, punctuation or grammar will be reported to Pufferfish.
I am not liable for whatever happens to you at that point. You have been warned.
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n00b (Score:5, Interesting)
by The Man in White (744186)
on Monday February 09, @07:07PM (#8232426)
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OMFG j00 n00bi3 l4m3R!!!!!!!!!! sh07z0r 1n t3h b4cK HAW HAW !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! j00 g07 o\/\/N3d!
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Re:n00b (Score:1, Flamebait)
by TAMF (4759) *
on Monday February 09, @07:12PM (#8232485)
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Actually he was only being a bit lame by trusting other assassins, bet Michael Richards was like using a
wallhack or aimbot or something. Bunny hopping l4m3r.
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| - Backstabbing by Banichi (Score:3) Monday February 09, @07:16PM
- 1 reply
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Full Text of the Article (Score:3, Informative)
by 414 (4759) *
on Monday February 09, @07:08PM (#8232439)
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For the no-registration crowd, here is the full text of the article (blessed be Google)
Cambridge, England (we think this is like, Yurop or something)
Secret al-Queda Assassin's Guild Discovered!
Using radical new technological tools (Project Googol) the CIA has discovered evidence of a secret terrorist
cell in somewhere we've never heard of. It seems to be comprised of people we know nothing about and all
their communications are written heavily in code.
Our agents have established that they have access to RPG weapons probably with anti-tank and anti-aircraft
capabilities. The anacronym "RBG" has also been used many times, CIA sources report that this probably means
"really big grenade" but they are trying to corroborate this.
Reports of extensive access to chemical weapons are apparent with amny types of "poisons" reported as having
been used, and many innocently casualties have resulted.
Today in an apparent internal feud a top operative, Ghordan al-Ball is reported to have been killed in a
shootout with unknown gunmen. Various contacts have suggested Mossad or KGB involvement in the killing but
current intelligence is focussing on the possibility of a splinter cell, provisionally known as the "John's
Mafia". We have launched a program to exterminate all "John"s in the region to eliminate this threat.
Commentators have suggested that the group may eventually collapse with the increasingly unstable actions of
the proclaimed immortal leader of the cell, um-Pire.
Agents on the ground have been instructed to infiltrate the cell at all costs. Unfortunately the only
successful infiltrator, known as "The FBI" has been found dead in suspicious and humorour circumstances
Twice.
;-)
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SCO (Score:5, Troll)
by AbF (649638)
on Monday February 09, @07:09PM (#8232446)
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Could SCO have been involved? Have they escalated this war to a new level by assassinating linux users?
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Bumsex? (Score:3, Informative)
by DunkyB (715012)
on Monday February 09, @07:10PM (#8232458)
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Suicide? Due to excess of or lack of bumsex? Gay german hairdressers and blonde bombshells can be very addictive. I'm into goats and camels
myself but I've heard this can be appealing.
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What about the animals? Will someone please think of the animals? (Score:-pi,
You've Just Lost The Game)
by Animal Rights Activists (688068)
on Monday February 09, @07:10PM (#8232464)
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A small and unobtrusive sparrow flaps around in a confused manner.
SPEAC would be there protecting the rights of that sparrow. We would like you to know that if any more sparrows are disturbed by arbitary
shootings we will be forced to take action and make lots of noise and smash things so it is nice and safe for animals again. Think of the
animals!!!! Look at all the like, uh, horrible stuff you're, like, doing to them and how much happier you'd be if we all just hugged trees
and smashed up Twinity College.
So, just please think of the animals or we'll come round and break your legs. Have a nice day. And don't multilate any small furry animals. |
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Unpatched security holes? here (Score:5, Informative)
by Anonymous Coward
on Monday February 09, @07:12PM (#8232487)
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Was he using an unpatched versionof personal firewall or something when he was shot. It's obviously micro$oft's fault for selling fscked
unpatched software that like just asks for people to get killed...
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- 1 reply
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TooManyCompscis (Score:1)
by AntiCompscis (726641)
on Monday February 09, @07:14PM (#8232503)
(http://derajdezine.vze.com/)
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Surely writing your death report as a parody of a popular internet news site counts as ... sorry,
you're not a compsci. Ooops.
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Mafiosi (Score:4, Informative)
by Pavanne (684291)
on Monday February 09, @07:22PM (#8232578)
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It was the Caius Mafia! They did it (Moderator: there are *no* mafias on slashshot) He probably did something
like discover their evil plans for the extermination of the rest of Cambridge and had to be silenced. They had to do
something to redeem themselves after the ignoble death of some many of their members left them with absolutely no
credibility. And with this guy making a brazen and futile attempt to kill their Godmother, do you think they would
leave him alone? This suggests a dangerous new Axis Of Absolutely, Utterly, Unredeemably Evil between Caius and
Johns. Kill them all!!
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| - What about the KMaf? He was a bit of a rogue element... by Xanth (Score:1) Monday February 09, @07:23PM
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I'm Matthew Garrett (Score:2)
by Dogbotherer (267163)
on Monday February 09, @07:17PM (#8232539)
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Just thought I'd let you know.
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What? (Score:1, Offtopic)
by PC FBI>
on Monday February 09, @07:17PM (#8232542)
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I'm a complete newbie and I forgot to read the headlines... what happened?
Can someone give me a URL for all the hot camel porn as well please?
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ALL YOUR GAMES ARE BELONG TO US. YOU JUST LOST (Score:3, Interesting)
by JJ (610140)
on Monday February 09, @07:22PM (#8232587)
(http://www.goingware.com/ | Last Journal: Monday April 14, @06:28AM)
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You just lost the game. And the other game. Club competition. Game 6.2. And you're short of a noke.
mwahahahahahahahahaha
Is there such a beast?
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Beard (Score:2)
by Scotsman (7445)
on Monday February 09, @07:24PM (#8232607)
(http://lucs.lu.se/People/Jan.Moren/ | Last Journal: Friday October 31, @03:49AM)
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Slow death from resulting from removal of beard? Knew he shouldn't have shaved it off, it was a pretty pisspoor disguise anyway. As for wearing the long black coat...
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He got what he deserved (Score:1)
by Chronitis (633996)
on Monday February 09, @07:27PM (#8232639)
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Like... dude, going out assassining with _other_ _people_, you're just asking to get shot. Trusting other people? I always said it would get you killed, now you know I was right. Locked doors, only way to go! |
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There's a name for this (Score:2)
by Banichi (161744)
on Monday February 09, @07:29PM (#8232660)
(http://127.0.0.1/)
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Yep, it's "Backstabbing".
I mean, it's just not cricket. Who could possibly have expected other assassins have nefarious intentions?
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Bah (Score:1)
by Anonymous Coward (623370)
on Monday February 09, @07:31PM (#8232682)
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The marvin reports were so ..lame, though. Lets hope the kills were a bit more convincing. And the rest of them were blantantly ripped off Max Payne (with a few..uh... modifications)... um, did I just say all that.
Now, Aeshettr would have been a cool name. The Subtle Knife. Exactly what he wasn't. Oh well.
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Revenge (Score:5, Funny)
by Nathan Bowler (738950)
on Monday February 09, @07:33PM (#8232692)
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Post a link to Michael Richards on Slashshot and watch him get slashshotted. Yay! |
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Even fate, it seems, is not without a sense of irony (Score:1)
by Ric (14778)
on Monday February 09, @07:37PM (#8232723)
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Estimates on him surviving a negative time on the wanted list next time?
Killing innocents, thats just an occupational hazard but try not to do it in front of the umpire... unless you have chocolate biscuits to hand.
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Obituary (Score:1)
by Anonymous Coward
on Monday February 09, @07:40PM (#8232751)
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Comrades!
Today we have taken a great leap forward! The brave agents of King's have today won a great victory for the forces of world socialism! Our fearless comrades mounted a daring operation deep within the decadent fortress of the imperialist agressors! At enormous risks to themselves the agents fearlessly carried out their mission and eliminated a spy and assassin of the imperialist forces! But victory does not come without cost, comrades. In the course of the operation Comrade Gordon was mortally wounded in a cowardly trap and paid the ultimate price to ensure the success of the mission. Thanks to his valiant sacrifice Comrade Aidan was able to complete the mission, to the greater glory of us all. Comrades! Let Comrade Gordon's death be an example to us all to strive to even greater efforts to ensure the ultimate victory of World Socialism! As a loyal party member we commend his memory with the posthumous award of the Order of TCR. For his part in the operation Comrade Aidan is also awarded the Order of TCR. But we must remember to always look to the future, for that is where our destiny lies! We have won this battle, and many before but the war is not yet won. We shall be victorious in the coming struggle with the cowardly imperialists and their mercenaries, but we must be dilligent and vigilant. We stand like a rock in the sea of bourgeois states! Wave after wave will break against us but we will always defeat them. Wherin lies our strength? In us, Comrades! We shall be strong of heart and stomach and we shall see our banner raised! We shall be strong of heart and stomach and we shall see our banner raised! Understand how lucky you are to be here and be truely free! Give thought for our brave agents forced to leave the Worker's Paradise and travel in the shadows to the rotten heart of the capitalist edifice.
Comrades! The battle is now joined on many fronts! We shall be victorious!
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Oxford Infiltrators (Score:4, Funny)
by Zebbie (457793)
on Monday February 09, @07:10PM (#8232465)
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Michael Richards is obviously oxford's agent amongst us, killing off members of the varsity squad so they... uh have more time to practise. Well, he must be evil in some way. Is he a durhamite or anything?
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Epic Poem (Score:5, Informative)
by Foxy (317168)
on Monday February 09, @07:14PM (#8232506)
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No report would be complete without an epic poem so here it comes....
The four rode forth, to darker deeds
Death rode first, on his might steed...
War cast his lot to kill and maim
Pestilence would take the blame
Famine echoes from the deeps
All awoken from eternal sleep...
Chronos went forth, with gun in hand
His tale travelled across the land
Inco's and criminals feared his name
Even when he was completely lame
But on this day he met his end
To one whom he had thought a friend
Now he lies, bereft of life
Forsaken even by his kife
The four ride on, who knows where to?
Someday they will come to you
Until that day be wise and cool
And you won't look like an utter fool
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What about THY DUNGEONMAN? (Score:3, Informative)
by Kat (413617)
on Monday February 09, @07:17PM (#8232545)
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Thy Dungeonman
You are Thy Dungeonman!
Te find yeself in a dungeon. Ye see an IRATE ANONYMOUS ASSASSIN. Also a LARGE RUBBER BAND GUN.
What wouldst thou deau?
> USE ANALGESIC
This isn't the arcane "Hitch-Hyker's Guide". Thou (suprisingly) hath not a Hangover.
> ABVATE COYD
This be-eth not "Gostak" eyther.
> TAKE LARGE RUBBER BAND GUN
Thou hast acquired thyself a weapon.
> TALK IRATE ANONYMOUS ASSASSIN
Yonder IRATE ANONYMOUS ASSASSIN informeth thou that thou are blantantly ripping off hys style of the making of reports.
> LAUGH
IRATE ANONYMOUS ASSASSIN agreeth with thou that his POISYN LETTRE was indeed lame, but you see that he is indeed "THY REAL DUNGEONMAN"
> SHOOT THY REAL DUNGEONMAN
Thou art dead, and thou hast shot Ed Heaney for this self same reason. Putteth thy gun down!
> DIE
Thou probablyst meant not thyself, but thou be-est dead nonetheless.
THY END
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Interactive Fiction (Score:2)
by Bryony (451306)
on Monday February 09, @07:28PM (#8232655)
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PAGE THE FIRST
You are standing in the street. The Umpire is here. An Assassin is here. He walks up behind you and says:
"Hello" : GO TO PAGE THE SECOND
"BANG" : GO TO PAGE THE FOURTH
PAGE THE SECOND
The Assassin greets you with a friendly hello and then proceeds to draw his weapon. This alarms you. You:
Attempt to draw your weapon : GO TO PAGE THE FIFTH
Express suprise at this turn of events : GO TO PAGE THE THIRD
PAGE THE THIRD
The Assassin is oblivious to your surprise and points the gun at you. He says "BANG"
GO TO PAGE THE FOURTH
PAGE THE FOURTH
You die, horribly, falling to the ground in a pool of your own blood without a shot even having been fired.
GO TO PAGE THE SIXTH
PAGE THE FIFTH
You attempt to draw your weapon but fail to draw it quickly enough.
GO TO PAGE THE FOURTH
PAGE THE SIXTH
You are dead. Comiserations. THE END.
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Where is the rest of it? (Score:1)
by The Eight of Diamonds (608241)
on Monday February 09, @07:30PM (#8232669)
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Anyone with an important contribution to this story of my death is welcome to do so. Just providing they promise not to kill me next time.
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