The Assassins' Guild: Lent 2004 Game Awards
In recognition of some of the more memorable moments of the game, the Umpire would like to announce the awarding of the following, um, awards:
- The Lemming Award for the first to die:
- Douglas Winship, who left his door unlocked on the first morning.
- The Holzhauer Award for psychopathy:
- Bryony Baines (The Sunshine Suicide Squad), who claimed it didn't count because she used balloons.
- Also dangerous to know:
- Alex Labram (414), whose evil mafia terrorised Cambridge for nearly a week.
- The David and Goliath Award for best giant-killing activity by a new player:
- Michael Brooks, whose first ever kill was the illustrious Jenny Chase.
- Other giant-slayers:
- Stephen McCann, who fought off the unwelcome attentions of Simon Ford.
- The Ginger Cake Award for the smoothest kill:
- Seth Thevoz, who convinced his assassin that he was another assassin looking for the same target.
- The 'I Shot the Sheriff' Award for butchering cops:
- Bryony Baines killed five, in a total of eleven hours' rampaging.
- The usual suspects:
- Alex Labram killed three.
- The Mario Sainz-Martinez Award for cowwuption:
- Ed Saperia (PC Cyberdog) and Ed Heaney (PC Zoidberg), who didn't do anything other than act as pawns of the Christ's Mafia.
- Under investigation:
- Ross Edmondson (PC Kakariki), for selling out the SWAT Team to his incompetent associate.
- Steve Pettitt (PC Teepee), who thought that killing cops would be more fun.
- The Most Ironic Death Award:
- Jonathan Hogg, who was sneaking into Christ's and stopped to hold the door open for someone who turned out to be his assassin.
- The Dr Kimble Award for surviving the longest time on the wanted list:
- Thomas de Rivaz, who lasted nine days before being killed leaving the site of his first killing spree.
- Almost made it:
- Lee Lewin, who managed eight days.
- The Kenny Award for dying far too many times:
- Martin Lester, who managed to be shot while reading a poisoned letter, after already having died.
- The Robocop Award for killing wanted criminals:
- David Stark (PC Just Add Water), who apprehended two.
- I am also the law:
- Ric Brackenbury (PC Sir Maxwell), who killed one criminal and two corrupt police.
- The David Duffit award for secrecy and deception:
- Jonathan Hogg, who kept a diary to prove just how secretive he was.
- Equally deceptive:
- Tom Garnett was the obligatory old hand trying to confuse people as to whether he was playing or not.
- The 'Do you have my fish?' Award for excuse least likely to get someone to open the door:
- Alex Labram, who called on Rosemary Warner claiming to be Matthew Garrett.
- It might just work:
- Emily Luckhurst, for "Hi, I'm a girl, can I shoot you?"
- The Three Hours Early Award for paranoia:
- Jenny Chase, for waving a stick through her doorframe when coming out in case there were any motion sensors attached to the wall above.
- Also twitchy:
- Aidan Robison, who sat through an extra hour of lectures every morning so as not to be ambushed on his way in.
- Chris Field, for spending an hour disarming a harmless bottle of vodka.
- The Koom Valley Award for best ambush:
- Philip Maltas, who burst out of the cupboard above Ross Edmondson's door and gunned down PC Corkscrew.
- The Order of the Black Coat for application of the art of disguise:
- Michael Richards, who lurked for and killed Jon Jowett while dressed as a pirate.
- Equally sore thumbs:
- Aidan Robison, who wore his 'ASSASSIN' hoodie around town every day for most of the second half of the game.
- The Laurel And Hardy Award for most amusing double-act:
- Michael Cripps and Lauren Grest for their brief and fruitless poisoned-letter love affair.
- Also well-matched:
- Jenny Chase and Michael Cripps for "You take the kids out today and I'll take them out tomorrow."
- The Darwin Award for death by stupidity:
- Colin Leung, who walked up to his target, said "Hi, I'm your assassin," and got shot.
- Shallow end of the gene pool:
- Lachlan McLean and Thomas Hooper, who got themselves blown up in different, equally silly ways, in the same place, about three minutes apart.
- The Reversed Burden of Evidence Award for unintentionally killing innocents:
- Johannes Nordstrom receives this award yet again, this time for killing one innocent for being in Lauren Grest's kitchen and another for being outside his room.
- The Leek and Safe Award for most interesting weaponry:
- Michael Richards (Sinistar) for the poisoned CDs which would have been a lot funnier if any of the targets had listened to them.
- Psychological warfare:
- Michael Richards (Miss Teen Dungeon)'s attempt with the fake Simon Ford scarecrow must sadly be discounted since it couldn't actually have killed anyone.
- The Concerned Citizen Award:
- Gordon Ball, who disposed of Drunken Chunky Monkey, PC Zoidberg and two incompetents.
- A bit concerned:
- Stephen Chester, for disposing of 414.
- Martin O'Leary, who apprehended Doktor von Fappenschlick.
- The Catherine Zentile Award for least innocent innocent:
- Ed Nokes, who was involved in numerous incidents, most notably acting as accomplice and driver for Bryony Baines' killing spree.
- Also somewhat dodgy:
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- Alex Rossdeutsch, who helped Alex Labram hunt down Hannah Burton.
- Stuart Gooch, who shopped Nathan Bowler to the police when they came calling.
- The Brutus Award for best betrayal:
- Ross Edmondson for betraying the entire police force.
- Similarly untrustworthy:
- The unnamed accomplice who betrayed Graham Thompson to Daniel Rudge.
- The Police Hero Medal:
- Jonathan Hogg, who nobly sacrificed his life to bring Bryony Baines to justice.
- Big posh funerals also go to:
- Tom Booth, who was "accidentally" killed by PC CyberDog in a valiant attempt on Alex Labram.
- The Obfuscated Tutorial System Award for silliest pseudonym:
- Bryony Baines, AKA Weaponth of math Dethtruction
- Also obfuscated:
- Stuart Moore, who never got to report that anyone was killed by meeting their antimatter self and shaking hands
- Seth Thevoz, AKA The Eighteenth Century Enlightenment Duellist (Please play Handel's 'Sarabande' as he approaches)
- Aidan Robison, for making so many people go "ewww" with Blood Is The Best Lubricant and "lolololrofl" with kthxdie >:[
- The Harland Quinn Golden Quill for the most amusing reports:
- Michael Richards, who shall forever remaine ... Thy Dungeonman!
- Quills of other colours:
- Martin O'Leary, for Choose Your Own Adventure: Beer Hunter
- Rosemary Warner, for her parodies of Sunscreen and American Pie
- Simon Ford, for an unbelievably perfect performance as Miss Teen Oklahoma
- Aidan Robison, who submitted a great many incomprehensible but amusing reports as Blood Is The Best Lubricant