Here's the list of those who made an impression...
The Lemming Award for the first to die:
Stuart Gooch only lasted a minute.
The Holzhauer award for psychopathy:
- While poison letters might not have been the style of the master, Lachlan McLean gets this for his glittering career on the wanted list early on.
The David and Goliath Award for the best giant-killing activity by a new player:
- Nathan Bowler, Noah Rolff, and Russ Williams were all new players who took out well respected assassins. However they all died in the process! So it has to go to Simeon Bird, who had the audacity to knock on Stuart Gill MA's door with a knife.....successfully!
The Ginger Cake Award for the Smoothest Kill:
- Ross Edmondson wins this one for convincing Martin Lester, the Deputy Chief of Police, to enter his room and thus become a legal target for him!
The 'I Shot the Sheriff' award for butchering cops:
- William Barratt(man who eats aborted foetuses) took out two in the force.
The Mario Sainz-Martinez award for cowwuption:
- Rosemary Warner is the proud recipient of this award. A few shreds of evidence, mainly stolen from a PhD thesis and sexed up repeatedly, prove beyond doubt that she was less than even-handed with her application of the law. Judge for yourself...
I hope that you have found this disturbing evidence convincing, and believe that the award has been well deserved. A special thanks to those who provided evidence; many apologies if your life is endangered as a result.
- After a couple of policemen with promotion on their minds tried to kill her, they offered her biscuits for her silence. Of course it would be entirely improper for her to accept them in those circumstances. But the bribe was accepted, giving a poor example to young impressionable officers.
- Although there were suspicions of her having extensive contacts with assassins in her own college, it was only when the following photo was received that the true nature of this was revealed:
- Concerns have also been raised over the way our CoP handled sensitive targetting information she may have come across. It is alleged that she passed on information without consent, in fact informing people's targets who their assassins were, despite the assassin having informed her on a secure basis. In a formal interrogation over a cup of tea (nice tea though) she confessed to having exchanged target information with a player, whose newly discovered assassin died the next morning, and to the inability to stop laughing about it. A serious crime indeed.
- However the most serious piece of evidence concerns the "Chris Field in her cupboard" scandal that rocked the policing world towards the end of the game. The following email was received by the umpire, clearly omitting many details:
"Matt and Chris and Neill made a no kill to watch UC in the college bar. On
the way out there was a standoff as Matt had phoned Mike, but in the end
they were all good little boys and made a no kill and went home."
Upon further investigation, it came to light that when it was clear that Matt and Mike were making plans, rather than ensuring the safety of all innocents, she chose to keep the rival factions apart by, er, hiding Chris in her cupboard until all was safe. The following evidence graphically highlights what happened:
Notably loyal: Matthew Carroll was also pretty corrupt, failing to make any attempt on the wanted Tom Booth, or William Barratt, despite living in the same house as them! Although that's just standing by your friends really......
The Dr Kimble award for surviving the longest time on the wanted list:
- Both Ross Edmondson and William Barratt remained on the wrong side of the law for a few days, however the police were effective enough to ensure that no-one really deserves this award. Withheld.
The Kenny Award for dying far too many times:
- Kirsty Dootson spent an evening being killed by half of the police force and a few players.
The Robocop award for killing wanted criminals:
- Having devised a scale where killing criminals is worth more than killing incos, players more than police, it's a narrow victory for Lachlan McLean just ahead of Bryony Baines and Aidan Robison. Rather ironic given how long he spent as a criminal...
The David Duffit award for secrecy and deception:
- David Knipe, for convincing half the game he was playing for so long.
Notably subtle: Tom Hounsham, who had several people convinced he wasn't playing.
The PsychoFresher Award:
After much deliberation, this is awarded jointly to Aidan Robison and Nathan Bowler both of whom had extremely active games. Aidan got many kills, often reporting on his morning's activity before the umpire got out of bed, and Nathan killed all 3 of his targets in a single afternoon, as well as several other kills. Not the kind of people you want hunting you down...
The Three Hours Early Award for Paranoia:
- I really wanted to give this to someone else, I did. Because it's not like she needs to win this one again. But due to a lack of other nominations, it goes to Jenny Chase for seeing Matthew Johnson on the phone, and cycling to Homerton to escape from whoever he was calling to try to kill her. She later found out he hadn't seen her!
The Order of the Black Coat for the least effective disguise:
- Michael Richards, for turning up to the duel, running around bushes and over muddy ground, in full black tie and sombrero!
Well hidden: Mark Zealey is nominated here, just because.
The Darwin Award for death by stupidity:
- A strongly contested award, however the winner just has to be John-Mark Edmundson for leaving a poison letter in his bag, forgetting it was there, and dying to it later!
- Alex Labram, for getting his gun out in case the assassin next to him tried to kill him!
- Adam Baird Fraser for deciding that having a policeman in his college was dangerous for him, and that eliminating him would be a good survival strategy. He didn't last the evening.
- Bryony Baines, who would have killed Tom Garnett had she said "bang" when her gun misfired. Fluffy had no sympathy...
- Tom Garnett and Michael Richards, for surviving the entire game, getting to the duel, and then trusting Edward Allcutt not to shoot them. Oops.
The yellow streak award for running away:
- I'm not aware of any good candidates-please inform me if you know better.
The Harland Quinn Golden Quill for the most amusing reports:
- Extract from the book of Ric, chapter 4:
1 And so it came to pass that Ric became grand arbiter of the land. And he assembled all of the people before him, and proclaimed thusly: 2 "Hear me O friends! I tell you this: that you already know your task is to dispatch the targets I shall set before thee. But I demand something greater. 3 Not only shall you carry out your task with great cunning and style, but I demand that you write well of your tales, that your scribes record every last detail and phrase it to produce great hilarity upon reading. 4 All will marvel for years to come at the tales of your quests, so they'd better be good, yarr." And thus the assembly was concluded.
5 After all the people had departed, one of Ric's most faithful servants and friends approached him, and asked:
"O Great Ric, I will indeed perform my heroic deeds as you demand, but is it really necessary to write with wit and style?"
6 "My loyal friend, if you write bad reports, you will surely end up like him with the beard."
"Erk" said the servant, and departed, resolving that his reports would truly be of premium quality. 7 And the people did indeed perform noble, heroic, and sometimes very silly deeds. As time went on, the reports came flooding back to Ric, who read of the actions of the people with great delight.
8 "These reports are of such high quality, how can I ever select a winner?" he mused. So he asked for the opinions of the land, and received many varying opinions. He had not expected such a flood of well written prose, and was forced to create more awards to honour those who deserved recognition. 9 So all of the people stood together once more, each hoping to be recognised for the quality of their descriptions. A hush descended upon the meeting room as the results were announced.
10 "To choose the finest of the fine is truly a challenging task, even for one such as myself," Ric began. "However the choices have been made. First I must recognise two fine writers who in a lesser field would have been clear winners. 11 Firstly Tom Garnett, who can make even receiving a poison letter a news highlight. Secondly, despite a truly valiant effort, Sir Biltcliffe must also be content with an honourable mention, yarr."
12 This drew gasps of amazement from the crowd, for if even the gallant Sir Biltcliffe had not ascended to the highest level, what feats of literature were yet to come? Ric continued:
13 "The inaugural Harland
is awarded to the much nominated William Barratt. His surviving a letter-bomb was perhaps the highlight of a wonderfully surreal set of reports. 14 This means that there are a mere 2 reports to consider. For one of the truly great reports, the Harland
is awarded to Jonathan Hogg for the best official response to a letter I have seen for some time. He may regard himself as Lord Secretary of the Land if he so chooses. Although I have no idea why anyone would ever want such a silly title. Ah, I digress. 15 The Harland Quinn Golden Quill is awarded after much thought and nominations to Michael Cripps whose reports caused great hilarity through the land as one of Ric's minions, yarr." 16 Ric paused for a moment and surveyed the multitude before him. "Although the pseudonym was purely decorative, there are of course no minions, and I wouldn't have any if there were." 17 And Ric saw that no-one believed him and that no-one agreed with the awards nominations. And Ric saw that this was as good as it was going to get, and left everyone else to argue about it.
The Brutus award for the best betrayal:
- I heard whispers that Jonathan Woollgar's death involved a Campbell/Field backstab of some description but I'll award to Edward Allcutt for killing Michael Richards and Tom Garnett in the duel after promising that if they didn't shoot him, he wouldn't either or something convoluted like that.
The Police Hero medal:
It could easily have gone to Lachlan McLean, or Rosemary Warner, or even Tom Booth. But I'll award this coverted prize to Martin Lester for stirling service in the police force, making many attempts with some success, writing good reports, and having a superb death.
The Leek and Safe award for the most interesting or innovative weaponry:
- It's William Barratt once more for the bear pit covered in poison jam, shurikens, and a couple of other toys.
The Obfuscated Tutorial System award for the best pseudonym:
- Michael Cripps comes close, not only for his minions, but also for The Baroque Manpower Policies of Tsarist Russia. However, he was just pipped to the post by James Osborn for both M3g4-|>3tH-As5ASs1N-K1lLa and Snapdragon is mildly annoyed that he didn't get to use the cool psudeonym that he had thought of, namely : A quasi-literary psudeonym chosen to make me look dangerous and mysterious, like having X as a middle initial, such as, oh, I don't know, The Shadow, which actually makes me look like a bit of lamer, especially as I think I'm really cool and elite, but I'm oh so not, I mean, see how long I've made this psudeonym, but I've never written any interesting
The Reversed Burden of Evidence Award for unintentionally killing innocents:
- Whilst Hannah Burton, Gordon Ball and Jochen Smolka found themselves off-target, I'm going to give this to Ross Edmondson, who within 10 minutes of signing up as police had shot one inco policeman, one friend of said inco policeman, and four people just for the sake of it. Oh, and an umpire a day later. But 1/6 isn't too bad...
The My Hero Award for the biggest fan club:
- J-J Wilks is the first winner of this award. The members of the JJ squad were:
Adam Dewbury, Jenny Gardner and Peyman Owladi were founder members. Nathan Bowler and Paul Smith seemed to be affiliated. Adam Biltcliffe (Jar Jar Wilks), Chris Field (JJ Wilkes Booth) and Hayley Gullen (J J Wilks) appeared not to be connected, and John-Joseph Wilks was honorary president.
The Catherine Zentile award for the least innocent innocent:
- The most notably involved innocent was Russ Williams' neighbour who managed to get killed by Hannah Burton, then detonated a bomb left for Russ. More action than many players had...
The Nearly Man award:
- This is awarded to Chris Field who was the last person to be killed in the continuous game....again.
The Club 51 award for being chosen:
- This is awarded to all those who received or should have received one of Locky's poison letters, and who are thus members of this exclusive club:
Thomas de Rivaz,
Matthew Carroll, and as he hoped he was indeed number 51,
The Forty-Five Minutes Late Award for being a bit behind:
- This award is given to Clare College Porters/ the ICMS for taking 4 weeks to deliver Locky's poison letters to Memorial Court when everyone else got them the evening they were sent!
A Little Slow: Edward Allcutt, for telling Adam that he thought Cathy Hall was playing when she had been dead over a week!
Paranoia Hardened Death-masters (PhDs):
The title of a Paranoia Hardened Death-master (PhD) is awarded
to assassins who have won two games. 4 PhDs have been awarded so far:
- David Allsopp for winning Lent 1994 and Easter 1995
- Björn Holzhauer for winning May Week 2000, May Week 2001 and
Lent 2002; notable also are his psychotic (but short-lived) early games
and his second place in May Week 2002.
- Matt Laycock for winning Michaelmas 1999 and Michaelmas 2001
Master Assassins (MAs):
The title of Master Assassin (MA) is awarded to assassins who
win a game or make an outstanding performance in one or more games.
The following assassins have been awarded MAs in the past:
- Nigel Harris for winning Lent 1995
- Steve Gray O'Hanlon for winning Michaelmas 1995
- Chris Tucker for winning Lent 1996
- Lynnette Dray for winning Easter 1996
- Jon Horne for winning Michaelmas 1996
- Ben Noakes for winning Lent 1997
- Andrew Grantham for winning Easter 1997
- David Duffit for winning Michaelmas 1997
- Rebecca Heath for winning Easter 1998
- George Savva for his performance in Michaelmas 1998
- Kathy Brazier for her performance in Michaelmas 1998
- Ed Pringle for his performance in Michaelmas 1998
- Kien Hoang for his duel in Michaelmas 1998
- Charlie Baylis for winning Michaelmas 1998
- Stu Gill for winning Lent 1999
- Tom Lansdale for an amazing performance in Lent 1999
- Marek Isalski for an amazing performance in Lent 1999
- Tim Pike for his performance in Michaelmas 1999, also won Lent 2000
- Alex Churchill for his performance in Michaelmas 1999
- Ed Nokes for his performance in Michaelmas 2000, and for winning
May Week 2002
- Andy Shepherd for winning Michaelmas 2000
- Jeremy Young for winning Lent 2001
- Ed Wallace for his performance in May Week 2001
- Simon J Ford for his performance over the 2001 and 2002 games
- James Osborn for winning Michaelmas 2002
- Bryony Baines for winning Lent 2003
- Jenny Chase, for winning May Week 2003
And now joining these hallowed ranks.....
- Matthew Johnson, for winning Michaelmas 2003
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