May Week 2002 Game News - Day 6

Wednesday, 19 June


[00:50am] Senorita Amapola assassinated Stealthy Ninja

The Tramp reports:

10 minutes before his resurrection we met up and started searching for James, but he found us first just after coming back alive. He only saw Jenny and me though and stormed towards us. As he ran past Rosemary she shot him.

[Add/edit reports]


[01:15am] Scaramanga assassinated The Man with the Golden Band

The Man with the Golden Band reports:

I got shotted in the chest! Again!

Scaramanga reports:

"Hello, Matt, are you still alive?" quoth I.

"Why yes, friend Ed," said he.

"Howso can this be?" returned I.

"We have a no-kill pact, this night and morn" exclaimed a nearby Posemary.

"Comprehension dawns!", I exclaimed, "but are you armed? There are dangerous people around."

By means of reply, he explained that he had been carrying a weapon, but had left it in his room, for it was right uncomfortable.

So I spake thusly: "I have a weapon, and no such pact!"

*bang*

Laughed Mat's Girlfriend: "Ha ha ha!"

Said the Posemary: "Ed, you are evil."

[Add/edit reports]


[02:42am] Salt and Vinegar assassinated Gonzo the Great and his Glamorous Assistant

Salt and Vinegar reports:

Having wandered around John's ball (two hours after having died at the RBG of Bjoern) I bumped into Ric and Abi - Abi promptly stabbing me. However, I was dead at the time, so I vowed to be more careful.

At 01.18 (two minutes before respawn) Abi stabbed me *again*. Ric agreed that this was too early, and that I should have a twenty-minute "grace" period. After twenty minutes I proceeded to stalk the pair, losing them on several occasions before, an hour later, meeting them in a Dance Tent. Abi and Ric separated and I made my move. Like a panther I swept in and stabbed Abi in the back, almost adding Ric as well but he was too fast.

Not long after, Ric and I agreed a no-kill zone for the rest of the event, due to the number of uniformed people around.

The Temporally Challenged Jenny Chase reports:

Yeah, for the 1:20 kill attempt, I told Abi to give him 5 minutes by my watch, and we were wandering around looking for him, when we suddenly saw him in front of us. Abi stabbed him impressively, but my watch said 1:20:20 so I accepted that it was too early. I thought that Mike conducted himself very well throughout, and that the no-kill was the right thing to do, as there were a lot of uniformed officials around, and it wasn't much fun anymore (wandering around the same courts again and again, see each other, lose each other etc.) And seeing Mike play the banjo-great stuff!

[Add/edit reports]


[03:30am] Lady assassinated Firien

Lady reports:

Well, we waved at him as he was skating and shouted, "This is your 3.30 kill!". He'd asked not to be disturbed by us actually shooting him. He wasn't armed and was quite drunk.

[Add/edit reports]


[04:57am] Stealthy Ninja made an attempt on The Tramp

Stealthy Ninja reports:

Five minutes until I resurrect, surely not long before they start hunting me. So, I head to my prepared position, Ed Noakes' kitchen, from whence I can rain down fiery death on the unbelievers.

Two minutes to go, waiting is hard, but it can be done.

Alive, oh joy, I can now commence my fifth minute of life in Caius May Ball, I must enjoy it while it lasts.

One minute later, Bjoern Ed and Jenny walk past, I take a shot at Bjoern. A combination of tiredness, alcohol and distance defeated me, and my first shot went wide, the second was blocked by a shield, and a fire-fight ensued. I quickly retreated into the corridor to block the stairway, and exchanged fire with Noakes. I was slowly puched back to take cover behind the kitchen door, losing a leg in the process. More shots were taken by both sides, and a rush from Bjoern and Noakes forced me to barricade myself in the kitchen.

After a while I called for a duel, as the standoff could have gone on for the rest of the ball. Eventually Noakes got me, my third death of the evening.

The Tramp reports:

After his intial shot from the window, he soon lost control over the situation, as the window was covered from outside by some of us, while Ed and I stormed the staircase pushing James further and further back towards the kitchen due to our more suitable equipement. He threw a few knives, but a determined rush under the cover of a shield forced him behind the kitchen door. Ed got to the other side of the corridor, from where he moved a fridge into a good position for taking shots at James. Through the crack in the kitchen door I managed to hit the ninja's leg and a stealthy surprise attack by Ed forced James to lock himself up in the kitchen. As there was now very little either side could do, James offered a duel. After a brief discussion between Ed and me, during which I pointed out that Ed's superior equipement would probably ensure a victory, Ed accepted the offer.

Lady reports:

Please note that myself and The Tramp were led past the window where James had laid an ambush by one Mr Nokes. Quite deliberately.

I was in fact just saying, "We last saw him around here" and looking up at the windows when he fired.

The Ungrateful Ed reports:

The night had so far been a disappointment, assassins-wise, for despite my constant nefarious plotting and scheming, Bjoern Holzhauer had but bettered his position. I had but one trick left...

Quickly I rendezvous'd with my catspaw: a stealthy ninja I knew. I'd already armed him once this on this night of fancy, in vain, but this time, I wanted results. More pellet guns and ammo were in order. A plan was concocted. The ninja was hid upon my staircase, the windows open so that he might snipe. Verbal signals were agreed upon, that he know when to shoot. All was ready.

And so I returned to the ball and the company of my friends, dear Bjoern and Jenny. The subject of Mr. Osbourne recent resurrection came up, and it was resolved to begin another hunt. We scoured the lawns of Tree Court, where could our "target" be? It was pointed out that he had last been spotted on the far side, co-incidently near my room, and so there we next checked.

I offered to take the lead, and lead the hunt along, past a certain staircase, whereupon I spake the code words "I can't see any sign of him" — and the concealed Ninja let fly. And missed Bjoern. The cry rang out, loud, teutonic and clear: "There he is, at the window," and fire was quickly returned from "my" side. For the sake of appearances, I infiltrated mine own staircase and fired a few rounds of pellets at the floor, after which Bjoern joined me.

It's very difficult to appear as if one is trying to deal with an intruder when one armed and colluded with him in the first place — one must take every opportunity to snipe at him whilst trying one's best never to hit.

Eventually, it became obvious that, in spite of my efforts, the situation was hopeless: I had a defensive position behind my fridge from which I could not fail to hit the Ninja should he ever emerge from the kitchen in which he was trapped, and Bjoern had full control of the stairwell. We were just too competent.

[Add/edit reports]


[05:03am] The Ungrateful Ed assassinated Stealthy Ninja

The Tramp reports:

A rather quick duel, James managed to dodge a few shots, but Ed rushed in for the kill and James took a hit to the chest.

The Ungrateful Ed reports:

Seeing the inevitability of it all, the Ninja and I ended up dueling to the death. The weapons were equal, but I had the umbrella: I won, after a brief interruption by a certain Windupper of Rosemaries.

[Add/edit reports]


[05:20am] Lady assassinated "Bad puns are the best way to wind up Rosemary Warner. Discuss." [Mais je ne dois pas essayer de la chagriner...]

Lady reports:

I saw him beside breakfast. Bjoern and Nokes moved in with shields, saying, "We can get him".

I walked up behind him with a cap-gun and got him first.

[Add/edit reports]


[06:09am] I have, of course, always been a great admirer of the Emmanuel tradition of betrayal, and after receiving a very tempting suggestion, and a cork marked "knife", from Simon Ford on his retirement, realised that there was a large reservoir of points very close to me. He was very useful all day, killing Scott Boham and providing much needed support against Ankur Mehta, and then successfully surviving the Caius May Ball, at whoch great slaughter took place. He is a good man, as Ford the master himself told me, but he said my shoes did not go with my dress. That was the last straw, and when his usefulness had come to an end and I prepared to leave, I drew him close, kissed him soundly and drove Simon Ford's cork knife into his unsuspecting back. Hence I assassinated The Tramp

Dr Fisher of Geneva reports:

Lady
Hear me tonight
'Cause the feeling
Was just so right
As you danced
By the moonlight
You could see
You're his delight

Lady
The Tramp feels like
He won't get you
Out of his mind
You stabbed him
For the first time
And I know that it's true
I can tell by the blood on your hands

Lady
Hear me tonight
'Cause my advice
Was just so right
You killed Bjoern
By the moonlight
You have seen
A knife was just right

Lady
You might feel like
You can't get him
Out of your mind
You felt loved
For the first time
Now you know that it's true
He will now never look in your eyes

The Umpire reports:

I have decided not to award a dangerousness bonus for kills like this. Nor will it have any effect on the players' dangerousness.

The Moral of this Story: don't try and exploit the scoring system like this.

I have, of course, always been a great admirer of the Emmanuel tradition of betrayal, and after receiving a very tempting suggestion, and a cork marked "knife", from Simon Ford on his retirement, realised that there was a large reservoir of points very close to me. He was very useful all day, killing Scott Boham and providing much needed support against Ankur Mehta, and then successfully surviving the Caius May Ball, at whoch great slaughter took place. He is a good man, as Ford the master himself told me, but he said my shoes did not go with my dress. That was the last straw, and when his usefulness had come to an end and I prepared to leave, I drew him close, kissed him soundly and drove Simon Ford's cork knife into his unsuspecting back. Hence I reports:

The slightly surprising two kills about 4 hours apart were due to us pointing out the flaws in the scoring system, which was only actually implemented halfway through the week. We each gained about 200 points, and halved our worth, by this method. This compensated (well, until Paivi told us to stop playing silly buggers, not unreasonably though a little belatedly) for our strategy turning out to have been all wrong all week, owing to the dangerousness bonuses not having been implemented and us therefore working out there was no dangerousness bonus (and killing lots of incompetents rather than going after decent players). Suddenly we find the scores have changed, we're worth an obscene number of points and have lost a lot of lead- without us having done anything.

Anyway, the kill: Senorita Amapola and Ralph Owen were watching. Bjoern sat down on Ralph's bed after the survivor's photo, sighed heavily and said, "Jenny- I think I have a bad feeling about this?" at which point- well, the pseudonym says the rest.

This is also as good a place as any to comment on Bjoern's behaviour on having got into the May Ball alive and eliminated all other threats. We reported, and he saw that owing to him killing everyone who threw themselves at him in the queue he was worth about 300 points. This surprised him, and he spent several minutes saying "bloody hell". He doesn't usually swear. We then located food, and a glass of wine each. Bjoern was eating stuffed vine leaves, still saying "bloody hell" every few minutes and looking really rather traumatised. He doesn't usually drink that much, but drained his glass of wine and then, rather amusingly, mine as well, without noticing.

I think that for Bjoern's mental health, and also his liver, it was necessary to do something. Certainly it was a mutual decision to do the kill back and forth after the Ball.

[Add/edit reports]


[10:10am] I assassinated crisp

[Add/edit reports]


[10:15am] The man with the golden alarm clock that he can set for a few minutes after his own resurrection without his girlfriend noticing (aka another person Simon Ford gave a knife to, but who prefered to use the lizard instead to avenge his own death) assassinated Lady

The Umpire reports:

Imaginary rule 1.2.2.1 - stop playing silly buggers...

Lady reports:

The alarm went off and Bjoern killed me with Gregory Snapdragon, who is rapidly losing sand. I barely woke up.

(There were some really dodgy reports I could have written for this. I have spared everyone a great deal of innuendo.)

[Add/edit reports]


[11:48am] Eccles assassinated Troubled Laser Amendment

Eccles reports:

I was on my way to put lunch in the microwave, and noticed that Richard's door was open, as he was talking to a friend... so I walked up and shot him.

Oh, and it's apparently his birthday today. So, a happy 19th birthday to you, Three Letter Acronym. May this day bring... more deaths?

[Add/edit reports]


[12:33pm] The Barber Who Shaves Exactly Those Who Do Not Shave Themselves assassinated quiet

[Add/edit reports]


[13:20pm] A man with a yellow CPS assassinated Fozian

A man with a yellow CPS reports:

We were waiting in Front Court and there was the dodgy character hiding in the Bursar's staircase. A couple of people tried to kill her, she was complaining about not having enough rubber bands and such like. I then dropped the CPS, went up to the staircase and shot her around the corner.

[Add/edit reports]


[13:45pm] zapf the coverboy assassinated Exceptionally Conspicuous

zapf the coverboy reports:

visible location, visible gun... killed on my way to a garden party

[Add/edit reports]


[13:50pm] Holzhauer's Bane assassinated nobody

[Add/edit reports]


[14:00pm] 3rd Muppet made an attempt on Eccles

3rd Muppet reports:

She wasn't in. Or at least didn't sound very in. We left.

[Add/edit reports]


[14:15pm] A man with a yellow CPS assassinated The Man with the Golden Band

The Man with the Golden Band reports:

I got Scotted in the back!

Senorita Amapola reports:

That sounds really quite painful...

A man with a yellow CPS reports:

Saw him walking past Caius, so shot him in the back. He appeared to be unarmed.

The Man with the Golden Band reports:

Such is the subtlety of the Golden Band!

[Add/edit reports]


[14:35pm] Lazy Muppet made an attempt on Weaver Of Towl'ettes

[Add/edit reports]


[14:40pm] Lazy Muppet assassinated Chopper

Lazy Muppet reports:

After visiting his neighbour, we went to get Thomas Hopkinson. Scott wandered to his room, but a face appeared ahead of me. I waved. It looked vaguely assassin-like, or used-to-assassins-like, so I was suspicious. Then another face appeared, and told me that it was Thomas Hopkinson. Hence it got shot. The friend took some minor limb damage in the crossfire, but he was standing too close to the victim.

[Add/edit reports]


[15:20pm] Dai Dagenn assassinated pigeonAteHe

pigeonAteHe reports:

Note to self: should one be asked whether one is an assassin, "yes" is not an appropriate response.

[Add/edit reports]


[15:20pm] Dai Dagenn assassinated The Temporally Challenged Jenny Chase

[Add/edit reports]


[16:09pm] A sniper in the best tradition of the Vicious Chicken of Bristol made an attempt on Holzhauer's Bane

A sniper in the best tradition of the Vicious Chicken of Bristol reports:

We spotted Cripps and Johnson walking past Caius and I took a rifle shot at them even though the distance was probably too great from my position. They then walked towards Ryder & Amies, where they then shot Simon Sprague, which was amusing to watch.

[Add/edit reports]


[16:10pm] Holzhauer's Bane assassinated Noah Mormister-Nisegai

Noah Mormister-Nisegai reports:

Note to self: when someone who doesn't recognise you is nearby, get close enough to hit them BEFORE drawing weapon... Oh well, it's only a game. [I realise that this is heresy under the teachings of the Church ]of the blessed (Rose)Mary and St Ralph and the 'Bjoern Again' Foundation of Christian Love and Chas(t)e, but I'm C of E]. Nice to be killed by someone different for a change :)

[Add/edit reports]


[16:15pm] The Tramp made an attempt on The genuine original Dangerous Dave

The genuine original Dangerous Dave reports:

Somebody, presumably Bjoern, called out my name from an upstairs window of Caius next to the Senate House and started firing at me, but missed. I managed to rush to cover behind a lorry before he could finish me off.

The Tramp reports:

I wasn't certain it was him, so I made sure by calling his name, this however gave him enough warning to doge two shots and to disappear behind cover. But now I knew what clothes he was wearing, which proved useful later.

[Add/edit reports]


[16:45pm] A sniper in the best tradition of the Vicious Chicken of Bristol assassinated The genuine original Dangerous Dave

A sniper in the best tradition of the Vicious Chicken of Bristol reports:

David came out of the Senate House area, where his results were posted, without noticing the red laser dot dancing on his chest. Sadly a group of innocents made a clear shot with the rifle impossible at first. As he walked towards Trinity street, I finally had a clear line of fire from my elevated position, but my first shot missed from about 10m away. He started running, but the second shot got him in the back as he was about to round the corner.

The genuine original Dangerous Dave reports:

I should have known better since somebody had fired at me from the same room half an hour earlier.

[Add/edit reports]


[17:12pm] Lady assassinated The Barber Who Shaves Exactly Those Who Do Not Shave Themselves

The Barber Who Shaves Exactly Those Who Do Not Shave Themselves reports:

Walking down King's Parade I had a premonition of sudden death. I turned around and saw Bjorn and Jenny running towards me. Lady's first shot missed so I managed snap off two of my own, but then I was hit.

The Tramp reports:

We spotted him leaving the Senate House area, but he was out of rifle distance, so we ran after him instead. We caught him outside King's.

Lady reports:

Watching the world go by with The Tramp, what a romantic way to spend an afternoon. Oh, and there's Johannes, not looking behind him! After a sprint up King's Parade with me just ahead of The Tram, he drew and fired as my first shot missed but I outranged him and my second shot hit him in the chest.

I'm happy now!

[Add/edit reports]


[17:20pm] Stealthy Ninja assassinated Eccles

Stealthy Ninja reports:

Saw her going into Sainsbury's, so I ran up behind her and shot her in the back.

Eccles reports:

The first - and the last - I knew of this was the muzzle of a gun in my back, followed by a voice saying "Bang". Oh dear.

[Add/edit reports]


[17:30pm] Slightly Manic Civilian Victimizer assassinated A non-player [legal kill]

Slightly Manic Civilian Victimizer reports:

The guy in the middle of North Court was holding Scott's black CPS, I was only lightly armed (one pellet gun), I felt I had to shoot first in case he was an assassin. I would have got the kill had he actually been an assassin, but I got CPSed slightly by his corpse for my trouble.

[Add/edit reports]


[18:15pm] Searching Mathmo of Considerable Velocity made an attempt on Fozian

Searching Mathmo of Considerable Velocity reports:

She was out, or not answering, or something.

[Add/edit reports]


[18:25pm] Sinusuoidal, Mostly Constant Variable assassinated LeoNerd

Sinusuoidal, Mostly Constant Variable reports:

* SMcV approaches Paul Evans's house as various insufficiently paranoid friends leave
<SMcV> Is Paul around?
<A friend> I think so. You know which room, right?
<SMcV> Thanks
* SMcV wanders in through open front door, heads upstairs, knocks on door 6
* Paul opens the door, unarmed
<SMcV> Paul?
<Paul> Yes?
* SMcV pulls out and fires XP270
<Paul> Oh.

[Add/edit reports]


[18:30pm] Lady made an attempt on The Tramp

Lady reports:

Bjoern went down the stairs, and as I knew he would come back up I readied my fridge for another backstab. He returned, I dropped the fridge, he dodged it. I started to get out my guns.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you" he said mildly. "After all, I know you're ticklish".

I decided against it. This undoubtably surprises everybody.

Oh, and Rule 1.2.2.1 actually reads "Bjoern, stop playing silly buggers". It doesn't mention me. Really.

The Tramp reports:

It didn't come entirely unexpected, but I think I found a suitable threat to avoid further attacks by Lady.

[Add/edit reports]


[18:31pm] Alaundo The Almighty Albatross assassinated The Mesmeriser

[Add/edit reports]


[18:50pm] Searching Mathmo of Considerable Velocity made an attempt on Lamy

Searching Mathmo of Considerable Velocity reports:

She was out, or not answering, or something.

[Add/edit reports]


[18:53pm] Searching Mathmo of Considerable Velocity made an attempt on Miss Marple

Searching Mathmo of Considerable Velocity reports:

She was out, or not answering, or something.

[Add/edit reports]


[19:25pm] Topless Lesbian Agoraphobic assassinated Brutal Bruce

Topless Lesbian Agoraphobic reports:

He walked into the room behind me. I reached over, grabbed my gun and shot him. He walked off.

[Add/edit reports]


[19:53pm] The infamously trigger-happy Bjoern Holzhauer made an attempt on A non-player [illegal kill]

The infamously trigger-happy Bjoern Holzhauer reports:

Has anyone else noticed I haven't killed an innocent for almost two days?

There was a guy who was at the assassins laserquest who I fired some rubber bands in front of when he went under our sniping position, but he didn't react particularly and neither did his companion so I refrained from killing them. They said I was naughty to do this, but they were still alive to say it.

[Add/edit reports]


[20:20pm] pigeonAteHe assassinated Tinky Winky

pigeonAteHe reports:

She ran towards us. I shot her. The end.

[Add/edit reports]


[20:45pm] The Moustache assassinated Disciple of Time

[Add/edit reports]


[20:45pm] The Ungrateful Ed assassinated A non-player [illegal kill]

The Ungrateful Ed reports:

Imprecision. The art of Innocents' killing.

[Add/edit reports]


[20:46pm] The Witch-King of Angmar assassinated Dúnadan

The Witch-King of Angmar reports:

The last King of the Dúnadan: his realm destroyed by this fell sorcerer and the men of Carn Dûm, he fled to the icy wastes of the Catz May Ball queue, but survived there not long.

[Add/edit reports]


[21:55pm] Topless Lesbian Agoraphobic assassinated A non-player [legal kill]

Topless Lesbian Agoraphobic reports:

These people with their strange addiction to picking up weapons and immediately getting shot. See also next three legal non-player kills.

[Add/edit reports]


[22:40pm] An alcoholic assassinated The Dancing Queen

An alcoholic reports:

I was at a friend's 21st when I suddenly noticed The Dancing Queen was holding a gun to my head. I hadn't seen him approach as it was dark in the room, loud music, and I was (and still am) drunk.

Anyway, he didn't pull the trigger, he started to talk to me about what it would be like to be a real killer, I very smoothly reached into my pocket that was facing away from him, then drew out and cocked my RPG slowly. I then asked An alcoholic for one last request, at which point I shot him in the stomach.

Silly boy.

A zombie then seemed to go away and start taking illegal substances... hmmmm

An alcoholic reports:

Just thought I ought to add that this was The Ginger Witch's 21st birthday party. How ironic.

[Add/edit reports]


[22:43pm] Trebor Liquorish Allsort assassinated A non-player [legal kill]

[Add/edit reports]


[23:25pm] Telekinetic Liquid Attack assassinated A non-player [legal kill]

[Add/edit reports]


[23:59pm] Dr. Miracle assassinated Kettle Cripps

Dr. Miracle reports:

Working at the Trinity Hall event, I espied Mr. Cripps wearing an 'Assassins' t-shirt. "Aha!" I said to myself, and pointed him out to Cyril Fox - there was much gleeful yet restrained jubilation at the murderous possibilities!

Foxy and I engaged in intense discussion, and with the supplying of a knife by a certain "Katie" (name changed for obvious reasons) we resolved to do away with our target at the earliest opportunity. Much fun was had at the event, crepes and artful dodgers galore, and descending a staircase Cyril yelled for my attention as Cripps was spotted below. He was efficiently stabbed, and there were huzzahs all around.

Alas the crafty Trinity Hall mafia would not let the matter rest there, and our demise fast approached...

(see below for their reports?)

Kettle Cripps reports:

Well, well, well. Having craftily made no-kill agreements with every single Trinity Hall player I had met, I felt relatively safe entering our June Event. I proceeded to change into my "Assassins" T-Shirt, to emphasise the irony of the situation. However, my choice of attire was to be my downfall.

At a minute to twelve, just before Alastair Gee went on duty, I left the funk/jazz room and proceeded into a small, crowded corridor. Unsuspecting, I was stabbed repeatedly with a cardboard knife and my last words were "But I didn't think you were assassins..."

However, the event was witnessed my fellow Tit Hallians and word spread to the ex-Binford Mafia. I was informed that an attempted counter-ambush would be attempted, but as my informant is currently sleeping off the event, I am no wiser to the outcome.

[Add/edit reports]


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Produced at Wed Aug 21 18:05:10 2002