The Non-gentleman Spy reports:
She should have said she was dead. Anyway, she deserved it for lying about Tom.
The Non-gentleman Spy reports:
[Time approximate]
When I was dead I met Hannah Burton, who introduced a friend of hers (Tom, 1st year Trinity, probably a mathmo) as an assassin, which he played along with. After I reincarnated I saw him and shot him. He then denied being an assassin. Too late. Sorry.
Fun Lovin' Criminal reports:
It is with great regret that the Trinity mafia announces that due to "unforseen circumstances", Translated Log Attack was unable to survive the end of the Trinity First and Third Boat Club May Ball.
Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.
Just bumped into him and stuck a kife in his heart. At least there was more entertainment for all to enjoy.
Dave, disturber of the deceased reports:
I kifed the corpse of Fozian, just before getting supersoaked (by rain).
The Non-gentleman Spy reports:
She should have said she was dead. Anyway, she deserved it for lying about Tom.
black CPS man reports:
Thankfully for the attacker I awoke three hours earlier today than yesterday. I awoke to a note from my friend saying that about half an hour ago there was a dodgy character in the kitchen. Being half asleep, not thinking anyone would stick around for that long, and needing a shower, I stupidly walked out of my room and towards the kitchen. I then saw a CPS stuck around the door and it squirted me in the chest. Grrrrrr. Well done!
Eccles reports:
Next time, David, remember that coming to lunch unarmed isn't a good idea...
The Man with the Golden Band reports:
I got shotted in the chest with a gun!
Lady reports:
I needed some points. Thanks Man with the Golden Band.
Inigo Moncpskillsya reports:
A duel on the green of insanity. Inigo:"Hello, my name is Inigo Moncpskillsya. You killed my girlfriend in Michaelmas. Prepare to die." Black CPS man:"That does put a damper on our relationship." And so they duel along the edge of the dangerous cycle path, Inigo being driven back until he reached the very edge of the green the wind in his back. Inigo:"I admit it, you have a bigger gun than I have." Black CPS man:"Then why are you smiling?" Inigo:"Because I know something you don't know." "And what is that?" "I am not left-handed." He then tosses his weapon into his right hand and immediately the battle turns in favor of Inigo. Now his opponent is being driven back. When the black CPS man stands with his back to the abyss of the cycle path himself, he says:"There's something I ought to tell you." Inigo:"Tell me." Black CPS man:"I am not left-handed eith...arggggh..."
Dear readers, did you really think Inigo wouldn't expect this dramatic effect and use this knowledge?
a hungover man reports:
Today had been quite boring, only one person had come to try and kill me, so when Inigo Moncpskillsya offered a duel I agreed. I thought taking my HUGE CPS would help, but unfortunately the range was similar. Getting on the wrong side of the wind didn't help either, so I died. Again.
Middle Muppet with Blades reports:
a hungover man contacted me to tell me that Inigo Moncpskillsya had challenged him to a duel. Clearly, he was worried about possible ambush-ness, so I went along too. We waited until 2.00ish, then the other protagonist was visible in the centre of the duel area. I kept a sufficient distance back to ensure that I looked vaguely honest, although I was scared for a short time when someone appeared wearing a scarf around their face, and a hat (no, really, they did, in the middle of this hot day - I mean, come on). a hungover man died, Inigo Moncpskillsya looked worried, so I waved and left. I was simply there to assist in case a hungover man won and needed to get back. No, really.
Lady reports:
I was hiding in the trees waiting for Bjoern to win. I saw more than two supersoakers, but then he came back holding his CPS high in victory, and I was happy.
Lady reports:
After the duel, we saw The Dual-Wielding Barbarian coming down the road, heavily laden with washing and taking a gun out of his pocket.
Bjoern and I also produced armaments. He fought quite bravely, but while dodging my pellets he stepped into the fire of Bjoern's CPS.
Inigo Moncpskillsya reports:
I had just left Parker's Piece after my duel and met my second in Glisson road, when we saw Chris Howlett. He was carrying a lot of things and therefore probably decided not to run. He died in our crossfire.
The Dual-Weilding Barbarian reports:
I was, effectively, triple-wielding. However, one RPG, one back of laundry and one copy of Morrowind are scant protection against two assassins, one RPG, one shield and one CPS...
The Dual-Weilding Barbarian reports:
That's "bag". I'm quite drunk.
Slayer of Majestically Careless Victims reports:
Since I've never met WelshBoy despite living on the same staircase, I decided to visit. He was indeed majestically careless; I knocked and entered, XP270 and RBG in hand. One XP270 shot, one kill.
Sinusuoidal, Mostly Constant Variable reports:
I went after Weisi Guo, he explianed that he'd retired and convinced me by means of extreme apathy, I refrained from shooting him.
Inigo Moncpskillsya reports:
I had seen him before we attempted to kill Ankur and concluded he wanted his points back from Ankur, as well. However I seemed to have run off, so we killed Ankur instead. As we were leaving Tom appeared again and a fight ensued, in which he was cornered and eventually gunned down by me.
Cyperus- an 'Active' Republican with a mission to kill Queensmen......... reports:
Cyperus- an 'Active' Republican with a mission to kill Queensmen......... out with intention of getting Ankhur Mehta however soon found Bjoern Holzhauer in area, Cyperus- an 'Active' Republican with a mission to kill Queensmen......... retreated then decided to go ahead and attack them and so looped around and tried to ascertain where Bjoern Holzhauer and Jenny were. Information offered by a nearby workman proved useful however covert approach was not possible and in the resulting battle in open court Cyperus- an 'Active' Republican with a mission to kill Queensmen......... was outnumbered. After an exchange of fire Cyperus- an 'Active' Republican with a mission to kill Queensmen......... was trapped by a pincer movement into a corner of the court and killed.
Sinusuoidal, Mostly Constant Variable reports:
I knocked on nobody's door repeatedly until she got annoyed and opened it. We both fired super soakers around the just-about-open door. We both missed.
As I left, she sniped at me from a balcony; unfortunately none of my weapons were powerful enough to reach her, and I took a hit to the left arm as I gathered my ammunition and fled. Looks like I'd better hide until my arm heals.
Large purple CPS and girly dress woman reports:
He spotted Bjoern at the bottom of the staircase and snuck down. Bjoern chased him around, I ran around the buildings to cut him off with the CPS, we trapped him, I soaked him.
Satisfying.
We could have duelled, but Bjoern and I prefer to be pre-emptive.
Inigo Moncpskillsya reports:
Despite his superior equipement and his amazing room defences we decided to attack Ankur again due to the lure of his many points. However we had to abort our first attempt, because Tom Forster appeared. The second time I got as far as shooting at Ankur through his slightly opened door, but Tom Forster appeared again in a neighbouring court. I retreated to a position where I could possibly ambush Tom and at the same time watch Ankur's staircase.
Moments later Ankur appeared and attacked me, but didn't quite realise the extent of the danger coming from Jenny, who was circling around the building. When he realised, it was too late... We cornered him against a locked gate and all of his impressive dodging ability didn't help him this time.
The Great Unweaver reports:
I appear to be making a habit of this.
He was carrying pizza1, so I asked if I could kill him, and then downed him with a single well-aimed, low-velocity shot. We wouldn't want him to drop his food as a result of a surprise attack, after all, would we?
Precision. The Art of Assassination.
As the Corquidickolandians say, "Eyeee keeell heeeem"
1 Oh, and I checked - the pizza:person ratio was correct.
Josh Rogan reports:
Having just sent her an e-mail, Morag McSporran knew where I was and came to take my life. Fortunately she was chicken and hid round the corner where I could direct my spanking new XP270 and ruin her best dress.
Josh Rogan reports:
Alas her sizeable accomplice was with her again and was caught in my wild round-corner spreadfire. Crazy damn fool.
Sainsburyswards-Moving Constant Variable reports:
On my way to Sainsburys I decided to have a look for victims in Christs. Just before the Christs May Ball was probably the least useful possible time to do this, wasn't it?
This report applies to my next two attempts too.
Dr. Miracle reports:
Was getting ready in mad rush for May Ball as was being kicked out of college at 6, and left my room to go meet up with friends and was confronted with a suspicious looking character in my corridor. He asked me if I know who lived in 12, the room I just locked, I replied "no, I think he's gone to the ball", and left. It took soooo much willpower not to look behind me and run ;)
CHRIST'S BALL WAS WICKED!!!! WOO!!!!!!!!!!!
Sainsburyswards-Moving Constant Variable reports:
Curses. I should have known.
Inigo Moncpskillsya reports:
I spotted David crossing Queen's road, but he saw me in time and escaped. Trying to chase people while carrying about an insane amount of weapons isn't easy.
Stealthy Ninja reports:
Well, I'd just like to claim that in my defence he was lurking outside my room, and was intending to buy an Assassin T-Shirt (£9.50 each, still some left). Although this doe snot actually make him a legal target in the letter of the rules, so that one has to go down as an Illegal Non-Player kill.
Oh well, better luck next time
Ninja
Josh Rogan reports:
Whilst coming out of Corpus I espied Ed Nokes down the street. I was heard to exclaim "Bloody Hell it's Nokes!", upon which I legged it back into College. Flight was the first thing on my mind; then my assassin instincts, rudimentary though they may be, took over and I seized the opportunity for a kill. Charging into my room I snatched up my deadly watergun and proceeded to unleash fury from on high upon the unsuspecting Nokes in the street below. I maintained that wearing a shirt underneath his trenchcoat was not grounds for nullification of the kill: thus, one of the most notorious moustache-sporters in Cambridge was no more. I thoroughly enjoyed my post-kill curry - a Chicken Rogan Josh, no less.
Josh Rogan reports:
Alas, at that very moment, by sheer coincidence (possibly), Boham was hanging around in the alcove below my window and, at the sight of the stream of righteousness flowing from my XP, primed his rubber-propelling weapon. He stepped back and deftly struck my neck from below as I foolishly paused to survey the body of Nokes.
The Ungrateful Ed reports:
Just what are you suggesting?
a hungover man reports:
I had been hanging aroud by Senate House to work out what was going on with respect to the Caius May Ball. I recognised one figure that appeared to be scouting the area for assassins. He walked along Kings Parade, but he was only going to get alcohol. Aha, I thought, he will lead me to the whereabouts of the rest of the Caius clan. I waited in Catz for him to return, so I latched onto him again on the way back.
Surprise of surprises, just as I was crossing over the road, a stream of water came out from a 1st floor window and hit Mr Nokes. I quickly ran along against the wall, heard the attacker talking out the window, so moved myself directly underneath and got my RPG cocked. In one swift move I took two steps towards the road, and fired into his window. He was no more.
Troubled Laser Amendment reports:
nobody arrived at my door, claiming some sob story about being dead, and after some conversation through the door, we eventually shot each other.
So we duelled it out. We both fired, neither hit. We continued firing, and then the sound which has haunted assassins throughout the generations came... *click*. I looked down at my gun, and saw I was completely out of ammunition. I looked up, and discovered my fellow duelist had a single shot left. I barely had time to write my last will and testament, an autobiography and a nasty letter to my MP before she realised this too, and shot me. Alas.
nobody reports:
Heyyo!
Almost anyone who weally bourbon knows me will jaffa tell you that by nature I'm not a violent maniac with psychopathic tendencies. However as any psychologist will tell you, if someone is sufficiently pwovoked, e.g. if you've been killed six or so times and the assassins underworld knows you have the lowest score, then this may twigger changes in the bwain chemistry and unleash unforseen behavioural tendencies causing the victim to want to KILL KILL KILL Richard in really quite unpweasant ways...
So yes, to cut a long story short, I didn't exactly love Richard Smith at that moment in time and I'd chipped my thumb nail today so I was weally mad. Anyway I turned up outside his door and after persuading him to come out, we simultaneously shot each other. We agweed to a duel and whoops, I seem to have shot him. I'm so sowwy, 'cos he's really quite a lovely chappy. Richard sweety, please don't take it personally.
Lots of luv. nobody
The Barber Who Shaves Exactly Those Who Do Not Shave Themselves reports:
On my way to Sainsbury's I noticed with professional interest a dodgy black moustache. I then also noticed the dodgy person attached to it and fired my gun at him, and he returned fire. It turned out that I was out of range while The Ungrateful Ed merely failed to hit. I therefore decided to retreat, and after a short while Ed gave up his attempts at ambushing me.
Josh Rogan reports:
"How can he be the One... if he's dead?"
The Ungrateful Ed reports:
Well, I never claimed to be alive. I just thought I'd show Johannes that he needed to upgrade his weaponary. It's a public service. No, don't thank me.
The Barber Who Shaves Exactly Those Who Do Not Shave Themselves reports:
At Sainsbury's I found myself face to face with The Dancing Queen. I was slow to draw, but luckily he was unarmed and could not put up a fight.
Four Star Petrol reports:
Flowed into kings with intention of killing Sandeep Tailor, luckily naked flames were successfully avoided and I pooled outside his door. On knockng a male voice called come in, a freind of Snadeeps was just behind me and pushed open the door, I flowed in after her, inside the room was a blond haired girl typing at the computer and an asian male (who had called out that we could come in) lying on the bed. Conclusion; since no other people matching sandeeps believed appearance were present, and the individual had both invited me into sandeeps room and was lying on sandeeps bed it must be sandeep! Wrong, I emptied two shots into him hitting him in the legs and right arm before he said that he was not sandeep and had already been shot by assassins coming for sandeep. Opps but at least inaccurate shooting prevented his death.
generator man reports:
Myself and Chris Howlett decided to hide outside K staircase. We thought this would be the sensible choice for the Caius lot to be staying in, as we had intelligence about them attending the ball.
I set myself up behind a generator and made a nice little blockade out of parrafin containers while Chris waited opposite against the wall.
The first sign of action I saw was Ralph Owen standing inbetween us (he hadn't seen me, but clearly saw Chris). Then I decided to jump out as Bjoern moved round behind me. Jenny was stuck near the doorway, so I made her use up all her ammo then ran at her and shot her.
Rosemary was there for a bit, then ran off round the other side. At which point Bjoern went back indoors, and came out with a CPS and umbrella. He shot Chris straight away, then I decided to leg it as 1 person with RPG against 1 person with CPS and shield is not going to work.
The Dual-Weilding Barbarian reports:
I deny "straight away". I'd shot an entire clip at Bjoern and Rosemary first off; then scrounged enough for a full second clip, of which I had fired 4 (one for each squirt of the CPS) at Bjoern before he finally got me.
This perhaps belongs on the next event (where Bjoern killed me). I think a Pseudonym change is also in order.
Inigo Moncpskillsya reports:
A group of Caians and affiliates had decided to protect each other during the May Ball (which turned out to be highly necessary). We met in K-staircase and prepared ourselves. Certain people kept on insisting we should get into the queue and eventually convinced Jenny and me to come along (as it turned out, we were nearly at the end of the queue, waited more than two hours and only very few people joined the queue behind us). Jenny and I cautiously left the staircase last, while the others unparanoidly walked ahead in a group. Hence we avoided the trap, when it was sprung, while Ed Nokes would have died if he hadn't been dead already. Rosemary escaped out of the court, while Ralph was spared, because he is a non-player.
Scott managed to perfectly time a charge against Jenny and I was too far away to do anything about it. Stuck outside K-staircase on my own I retreated back inside taking occasional shots at them with the rifle.
Lady reports:
The corpse of Mr Nokes was very eager to get down into the queue, so we did out of respect for the wishes of the dead. As we came out of St Marys's, we were ambushed by Scott and Chris. I got my shield up and first gun out, and charged round a van towards Scott. My shield got stuck between the van and the wall, and since the men who owned the van were watching with concern I fell back and emptied my first gun at Scott around the corner.
I then took out my second gun and fired that to keep Scott busy while Bjoern was doing other things.
I reached for my third gun in my bag, and oh hell, ball dresses are not the best thing for having lots of accessible concealed weapons. I fumble around with ball ticket and grenades, thinking I've almost found it and shouldn't retreat into the staircase (Scott would then have cover to get closer to Bjoern). He realises I'm having momentary trouble (it was probably under 3 seconds!) finding my third gun, charges round the corner, jumps and shoot some over my shield. Nicely timed, Scott.
If only we'd stayed in Rosemary's room for a couple of hours. We'd have got in at about the same time. Odd that Mr Nokes convinced us we should wait, wasn't it?
The Tramp reports:
As we know now (after the game), the treacherous Ed Nokes set up the ambush outside K-staircase, but due to a non-ideal choice of weapons by Scott and Chris nobody died in the trap itself. Jenny died while reaching for a second gun and I escaped back to the staircase.
Lady reports:
Hey, it was a third gun! I'm not *that* uselessly armed, even in a truly lovely balldress (belonging to my neighbour, alas).
The Dual-Weilding Barbarian reports:
As above.
Inigo Moncpskillsya reports:
Scott and Chris didn't seem to intend to leave any time soon and I wanted to join my friends in the queue, so I decided drastic action was needed. I changed back out of my formal clothing, grabbed a CPS and a shield and charged them. This seemed to take them by surprise and Scott didn't seem to deem it appropriate to warn Chris of my approach. As a result Chris got cornered against a locked gate and died after a brief exchange of fire. Then I charged Scott's position, but I somehow managed to escape out of the court in time to avoid my attack.
Kettle Cripps reports:
I said "The CUCB will be playing at Caius". They were. I wasn't. I was playing at John's. I left Trinity Hall at around 09.15. I ran into Bjoern Holzhauer. He ran after me with an RPG and an Umbrella. I had a banjo and some music. He killed me. I nearly had a heartattack from running away again. Bjoern dropped his May Ball ticket. He still shot me. I wished him a good ball and departed.
Kettle Cripps reports:
I made the time 21.20 - hence I believed I respawned at 01.20. This is what I told Ric and Abi later. Maybe my clock is wrong?
The Tramp reports:
From the Caius May Ball queue we saw Mike leaving Trinity Hall plodge. I immediately ran towards him and he fled towards Claire, somehow evading my pellets. Outside Clare he turned and fought, because my pellet guns were empty, but I charged him down with shield and rbg.
Summary of Acts I-IV of The Guild of the Assassins Corpus Part the First...............
Having valiently gone punting unarmed and semi-successfully avoided being boarded by several punts during a otherwise pleasent punting expedition, having been so unmotivated to fashion a crude weapon when seeing a possible assassin, having wisely not provoked fire from the poeple at Trinity Hall with CPSs at he punted past, Matthew the Lohse, a student from far away and relatively unknown lands currently at Cambridge who had somehow turned to the Guild of the Assassins and who could never spell proceeded to the college bar.
Act V: The Bar of the college known as Corpus.
[enter Matthew the Lohse]
Compsci the first: I bid the oh famous Matthew of Lohse Beware the Pembroke Assassins of June.
Compsci the second: Ah, though shall not face danger till Pembroke assassins come to Corpus Bar.
Compsci the third: Alas, poor Matthew de Lohse, the assassin returnith soonith...
The person who shall not be named: I ask thee, Matt, haven't you been down this road before and won't you again and perhaps this week hath become like the story of the famous man from la Mancha?
Matthew of the Lohses: Dude, another assassin for me... most uncool [actually a 30 line soliquiy goes here but I will spare you that,] this guy never seems to stop talking]... blah, blah, blah... Alas poor Compsci I have no weapon.
Compsci the First: Something is rotten in the College of Corpus.
Comsci the Second: This bar is called the bar of Corpus:
He that outlives this day, and comes safe home,
Will stand a tip-toe when the day is named,
And rouse him at the name of Corpus Bar.
He that shall live this day, and see old age,
Will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbours,
Then will he strip his sleeve and show his scars.
And say 'These wounds I had in Corpus Bar.
Matthew who might be of the Lohses: Please do not steal my inspirational speeches.
Compsci the Third:Yet this my comfort Matthew: when your endless words are done attacking my sanity, My woes end likewise with the evening sun.
The Matt who is not first among equals of the Lohses: All right, I get the point.
Some other Compsci: Why not go try asking fellow students, patrons of the bar right, Defend the justice of my cause with arms,
Matt the Long-Winded: Anyone else have anything to say?
The person who shall not be named: Hence! home, you idle creatures get you home, I shall providith the weapon with which Matthew who might very well be one of the Lohses but who havith no relation to the evil-Swan creatures of the River Cam formerly known as Granta of the proud UofA and the college known as Corpus and who goes about without weapons and who really deserves to die, with a dagger which you now see before you, the handle bearing the word "knife", clutch thee this dagger knowing it is not a dagger of the mind, a false creation, proceeding from the punting-oppressed brain and kill with it.
[Matthew the Lohse leaves bar]
[Assassin of the Pembroke enters bar, sits by Compscis Three]
Assassin of the Pembroke: Wow, I sure seemed to be gone a long time.
First, Second, and Third Compscis: We warn you, you have just missed Matthew of the Lohse.
Assassin of the Pembroke: Oh.
{Enter Matthew of the Lohse with dagger, Assassin of the Pembroke is stabbed with dagger in the chest by Matthew of the Lohse].
Assassin of the Pembroke: I am slain.
Matthew of the Lohse: So Person who shall not be named, as I was saying before this interuption, what would you like to drink.
End.
The Tramp reports:
Standing in the Caius May Ball queue, I suddenly heard a pellet gun firing, then another shot and eventually I realised the shots were coming from a top-floor window in Trinity Hall. I opened my shield and returned fire with my own rifle. He hit the corpse of Ed Nokes. Matt then abandoned his position, disappeared for a while. While I was still standing there with rifle and shield out, I was suddenly attacked and wounded in the arm by someone, who according to James Osborn was Brutal Bruce (who I killed in turn), so I had to abandon my shield.
Then Matt started shooting at us from the roof again, until we disappeared around the corner to Senate House passage. Now he came out of the Trinity Hall plodge and we had a long stand-off including several quick firefights, while I kept Ralph busy with reloading my guns. In the end Peter McIntyre sorted the Johnson-problem out for me.
I must say that the sniping from the roof was especially stylish, even if he managed to kill three innocents in the process.
The Tramp reports:
While shooting at us Matt managed to hit a lot of things, including a juggler and a girl (about whose boyfriend's reaction to this one can read in the reports about PigeonAteHe) and allegedly someone else (but I can't confirm this).
The Tramp reports:
For inexplicable reasons he only stabbed me in the arm.
The Tramp reports:
While I was shooting at Matt Johnson, James Osborn noticed David Loeffler, told him who I was and that he should kill me (very evil considering that James was dead at the time). So David walked up to me, stabbed me in the left arm and then kept standing in front of me, asking whether I was dead. I obviously shot him immediately.
pigeonAteHe reports:
Having rudely interrupted "Holzhauer Bane" mid-attempt, I felt honour bound to do humanity a service and make Cambridge a safer place by removing Bjoern Holzhauer. A brief exchange ensued, followed by a lot of complaints by some people in the queue, so I took a deep breath and offered Bjoern a duel.
But the craven coward did refuse my - the second lowest ranking player in the game - challenge. Instead he felt it necesary to let one of his minions do his dirty work by outflanking me.
Has Bjoern finally lost his -apparently overstated- touch?
The Tramp reports:
I very much appreciate that Peter resolved my stand-off with Matt by just walking up behind him and opening fire.
The Tramp reports:
He had apparently been watching the entrance to the Caius May Ball from quite a while, but eventually lost patience and went walking along the queue. I recognised him and drew, he drew and charged towards me directly into my fire.
The Tramp reports:
After a stand-off, which I couldn't resolve for a long time, because I was still lacking an arm, I was shouted at and pushed about by a guy, who seemed annoyed at us, because Matt had hit his girlfriend earlier with a pellet from the TH roof. As a result I left that bit of the queue and rejoined my group of friends a bit further along. Soon enough Peter approached again. I retreated further, he followed and was immediately dispatched by the well hidden Senorita Amapola.
The Tramp reports:
Having survived the slaughter in the queue outside Caius May Ball, Senorita Amapola and I made sure of our own safety inside the ball by killing the two remaining live assassins.
In trying to kill me (which she later did, alas), Senorita Amapola brutally murdered an innocent bystander. Naughty, naughty...
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Produced at Wed Aug 21 18:05:10 2002