LeoNerd reports:
I found myself in Corpus JCR in the early hours of Tuesday morning, having covertly discovered the identity of an assassin, while my own identity remained secret. I decided action would be most required at this stage; but being at that moment unarmed I had to fashion an emergency weapon. A fellow Corpuscule (not a Corpuscule fellow, I might add) let me briefly read through the rules, looking for inspiration. I eventually decided on a toilet paper garrotte, it being the most ammusing and feasible idea to hand. I then returned to the JCR with the said weapon concealed upon my person.
Upon my return I found my target awaiting his turn at the pool table. Thus it was easy to sneak behind him and pounce him with the garrotte. After a few seconds of dazed flailing my victim was able to make use of the glass of water he was currently holding, and poured the nearly full pintglass over me. This had the effect of breaking the toilet paper; although we later agreed that this is not a suitable defense against such weapon, and thus the kill was valid.
I was, however, left with a non-fatal soaking of water from my now-dead victim's final death throes. But nevertheless triumphant; I had scored my first kill... :)
Lady reports:
We worked out which window was his, then climbed up to it, parted the curtains with a gun and shot him. He was very surprised. I feel really sorry for people with ground-floor windows, it must be horrible not being able to leave them open.
Lady reports:
Apparently he was naked (he said when he complained to the Umpire). I didn't notice, I just saw a bare chest and shot it. :-)
Some people aren't psychotic enough for this game.
Gonzo the Great and his Glamorous Assistant reports:
I woke up this morning when someone (I'm pretty sure it was Jenny)was fiddling rather loudly with the catch on my window.
I dazedly asked her to go away, which she did.
Lady reports:
I'm sorry, I didn't know it was latched until I tried it. It was too narrow to get my gun in far enough anyway.
Lady reports:
I walked into her room again, poor girl.
The Tramp reports:
Knocked on door, door opens, we avoid hitting the male opening the door, nearly manage to hit the girl sitting further back, who dives for cover. When we mention that he is probably a non-player and that we won't shoot him, he suddenly shouts:"Stupid move" and slams the door. We wait some more and leave, when we suddenly see them rushing down a different staircase.
Lady reports:
We went to attack Liz Gloyn, who opened her door a bit and saw us. Her boyfriend then opened it. I didn't shoot him, and said "We assume you're not an assassin".
"Foolish move!" he cried merrily, slamming the door.
We then met them again downstairs. Liz had got into the right building for a no-kill event, and claimed immunity so we didn't shoot her. Her boyfriend, however, wandered up talking on a mobile phone to her. So I shot him. He then said he wasn't an assassin, but called himself "Spider" and was being an accomplice, as well as having implied that he was playing, so never mind.
Tinky Winky reports:
Neill Smith died instantaneously, the June Event marquee is splattered with his blood.
The Tramp reports:
When I arrived he was making a knife with his back to the unlocked door.
The Tramp reports:
While I was killing Cyril Fox, Jenny had been staking out Dr. Mircale's room. I returned to her position and learned that nothing had happened so far, when suddenly my victim dashed past us, knocked on the door and warned Dr. Miracle about our presence. He was let into the room, but they slammed the door too quickly for us to do anything.
Cyril Fox reports:
To clarify matters, was actually going to borrow some bread from Dr.Miracle, after having been viciously killed before breakfast. Saw a suspicious lady with an umbrella lurking in the corridor but knocked on Dr. Miracles door anyway. As I entered, I realised it was none other than 'the lady' and slammed shut Dr. Miracle's door not a second too soon.
Dr. Miracle reports:
After a worried-looking Cyril Fox rushed into my room to report his death and the presence of 2 dodgy-looking individuals loitering in our building, I was on my guard. The knock that came - not 5 minutes later - was no surprise.
I frantically locked my door, then unlocked it, then shouted "Come in!" and hid. My breath came out in short ragged gasps as I strained to hear his hand working the door-knob... I took a step forward, then back, then forward... the door slid open, I panicked, I leapt round and charged with my cruelly-barbed saber sword, but alas his technology of umbrella and pellet gun was too much, and I fell with wound to head.
The assassin formerly known as the real Dangerous Dave (TM) reports:
Shot the unarmed Brutal Bruce in the back leaving the CMS. He claimed to have left all his weapons at home.
The Ungrateful Ed reports:
This fine, upstanding citizen posessed an unerring sense of duty. He knew the manner of his own demise, and graciously accepted it: to be walking unarmed down King's Parade whilst I was on my way to the bank, to be to tailed past Senate House, and to be shot once in the back.
Precision.
As the Germans say, Achtung Spitführ durch Technik.
The Tramp reports:
I've never heard a German say that, in fact that sentence is incomprehensible.
The infamously trigger-happy Bjoern Holzhauer reports:
I shot someone which I thought was the right gender to be zapf the coverboy in the vicinity of his room. They turned out to be the wrong gender. Oooops.
I really, really don't mean to do this innocent-a-day thing, you know.
You do all believe me, don't you?
The Tramp reports:
From the name I had concluded Ankur was male.
zapf the coverboy reports:
they were surprised. then she was dead. she murmered 'ugh'.
Lady reports:
zapf the coverboy had a very clever defensive device, I didn't think anyone was that psychotic. He also had a supersoaker.
Things did not go well.
He then beat Bjoern in a duel.
Senorita Amapola reports:
The old adage about love and blindness is clearly true if Jenny did not know that anyone was that psychotic...
zapf the coverboy reports:
they were surprised. she died. he gave chase. running in out over around queens grounds, we crashed a play rehersal, so called a duel in old court. thence commenced knife throwing, gun shooting, and much cowardly running. and matrix like dodging. and a final knife to the face for the kill.
The Tramp reports:
After he killed Lady, we engaged in a firefight, but his supersoaker was bigger than the one I had (I didn't think anyone besides J Doe still had one of those). After some fierce fighting that ranged through three different courts, I dodged the wrong way and a throwing knife caught me in the head.
The Tramp reports:
I was walking behind Martin for about 5 minutes, then he noticed me, then he ran away, then he realised I didn't seem to draw a gun. He cautiously walked up to me, didn't believe me when I said that I was dead and insisted on shooting me before talking for a bit.
ranger reports:
Ranger found zapf the coverboy and a chase ensued around the courts of queens, several waterbombs exploded close to zapf the coverboybut he survived and after a long exchange of fire in which ranger emptied one gun, zapf the coverboy rushed him. ranger's shield took a lot of fire but after his gun jammed he was hit first in the legs and then in the head.
The Tramp reports:
When I was returning to Caius to drop of my equipement, I saw Richard Smith & Mr McVitie, they just looked at each other, shouted:"Run away" and legged it towards Trinity. Then I went for a social visit to G&P, but met Tom Forster outside borders. Rosemary who was apparently watching the shop suddenly jumped out and shot Tom, but he was already dead.
The Tramp reports:
After the previous incident, Tom (dead) and I (dead) went into G&P together and talked to Joylon (dead) and James (alive) for a while. Then we left and James was leaving with us, when suddenly Rosemary's evil accomplice shouted:"There's James Osborn!" He ran back into the shop and Rosemary ran back into Borders, then James returned with a bigger gun and chatted a bit with me. Then I went into Borders as well and mentioned that Joylon was dead, at which moment James appeared at the entrance... It is up to the other parties involved to continue this tale, because I went back to a computer room at that point.
Stealthy Ninja reports:
I was just leaving to go to Sainsbury's, and while checking very carefully both ways, I spotted Ralph, sure enough, Rosie was nearby, so I ducked back into the shop to pick up the Big Bad Watergun Of Extreme Death, but by the time I re-appeared, she had gone :(. I saw Ralph lurking in Borders, but did not find Rosie.
A while later I actually did go to Sainsbury's, and on the way back saw Ralph coming out of G&P, but he'd lost Rosie, which I think is quite funny.
Senorita Amapola reports:
I found Ralph about ten minutes later, after wandering round looking for each other. Then I went to the Caius garden party and had fun with supersoakers :-)
Lady reports:
Ho hum, being dead myself and The Tramp went to eat ice-cream outside G&P. People like Ric kept wandering up and shooting us just to make sure, which was a welcome change from them running away. Jolyon wouldn't come out because he assumed we were trying to do him in with ice-cream cones. Not even Bjoern is lethal with mint chocolate chips, while dead.
The Ungrateful Ed reports:
One can never be too careful when one spots a brace of CPS-wielding, likely-looking lads skipping merrily past one's secret under-ground volcanic hideaway, can one?
Senorita Amapola reports:
In the Caius student union garden party, with my new XP270 :-)
Peter thoroughly soaked me afterwards, but he was *definitely* dead beforehand. I suspect it may have been worth it to him to die so that he could soak me...
Firien reports:
Worth it? Hell yeah! Although I can't be bothered to play (as can probably be seen by my score... I think there should be a prize for whoever has the lowest score at the end, could lead to some interesting tactics) and returning fire as an assassin would be illegal, I took it upon myself to completely empty my completely full XP270 onto her just for fun. She still had hers in her hand and so of course made the mistake of turning her back and trying to run away. Muahahahahah :) Result: One corpse and one *very* wet assassin
Another member of the Bad Pun Police reports:
About half a second after the above.
Stealthy Ninja reports:
Fools stood outside my room holding water pistols, got one, the other was too far away.
Ninja
Dutch Psycopath Edith de Huut reports:
While hiding out in open on Churchill Playing fields today I spotted a couple of people messing around with XP270s, Oh Dear....
Dutch Psycopath Edith de Huut reports:
It was two verus one but I was actually playing....
The Watcher in the dessert reports:
I just happened to be carrying out my intelligence gathering duties about Green Street, when did I glace towards an shoppe suspected of fronting for arms-smugglers, and observe an Fine Lady toting a purveyor of elastic bandicules. Upon being treated to a rare glimpse of the visage of this female, I was minded to recall my previous intelligence gathering by the printers in the computer room, and lo! it came to me that she might be a front for non other than the order of assassins!
She was inside the shoppe by then, though, so I had to wait outside for a few minutes; when the grand Lady departed, I floored her with a single, clean shotte of mine crossbow to the chest.
Precision.
As the French say, "Och aye me wee lass"
Lady reports:
"But I'm dead!" she said.
"Well, until two minutes ago" I replied.
Sorry Abi!
The Time-Travelling Jenny Chase reports:
That was a little mean.
Disciple of Time reports:
Guy randomly shooting other unarmed inncoents in Trinity Hall with a 240XP. His vicitims thought it was even more funny when he got done by a CPS which he didn't see coming
black CPS man reports:
Lying on the paddock, saw two weapon bearing individuals, ran to get the CPS, followed them out to Burger King and shot them both.
Cyril Fox reports:
In fact, had seen CPS man walking opposite way and thought he was suspicious. But after trying every assassin in Emma (they were all out)and already killing one innocent bystander in frustration (Dr. Miracle, not me) we set off home. Thought we were safe at Burger King, but now we know better... Poor Dr.Miracle, killed twice on his birthday.
black CPS man reports:
Umm, yes, someone else on my staircase said one of you had shot them, I doubt she was a legal target.
black CPS man reports:
Same as above
Dr. Miracle reports:
Cyril Fox has summed up the situation rather well. After a fruitless rampage through Emma I viciously stabbed a neighbour of one of our intended victims (the frustration!), and walked dejectedly back towards our lodgings. Alas all was not well - a decidedly suspicious looking character passed by but we could do little except hypothesise about his obviously underhand motives and continue out of the vicinity. Half-way down St. Andrew's Street both Cycrl Fox and I felt fatal shots to the back, and we fell in full view of the entire town. Ambulances screeched to a halt and concerned bystanders attempted to staunch the blood, but nothing could be done.
I reports:
i shot someone matching my targets description, and heading towards his room, only it wasn't my target.... shame I was using a super-soaker. Will ask *more* questions before shooting next time.
Dutch Psycopath Edith de Huut reports:
There I was innocently eating my dinner in Hall when in walked the two other Churchill Assassins. Now Divya Mohan I decided not to kill having done so far too many times for it to be slightly amusing but Miss McNielly had evaded me for too long. After shooting her and recieving some lip for doing so I left. I checked my gun only to find it had misfired and my target was still alive. I tried to explain this to Miss Mcnielly later (well kind of intimidated her really but hey) and she said killing people in your own college was lame. Possibly I thought upon leaving, but then not having done anything after 4 days and walking into hall unarmed was also not just slightly lame but a total disregard for your own personal safety.
Disciple of Time reports:
Having lurked Queens, Trinity Hall and Caius without seeing anyone for several hours, I gave up and returned back to college. just my luck to see Disciple of Time coming towards me. He drew a small squirt gun. I drew my CPS. The outcome became obvious when he tried to fight me.
Dutch Psycopath Edith de Huut reports:
I executed Heather McNeilly for excessive sarcasm outside hall today.
Dutch Psycopath Edith de Huut reports:
I executed Divya Mohan today for standing next to Heather McNeilly when she was being sarcastic to me.
Ugly Duckling reports:
Two dodgy characters leaving Emma, so I followed them into Corpus where I lost them. Waited around for a bit then one of the came out so I shot him in the back as he crossed the road.
Lady reports:
Another dead 'un.
Ugly Duckling reports:
Walked past three of them, turned and shot Johnson in the back. Then legged it.
Ugly Duckling reports:
Suppose I'd better flesh out the report a bit as I have more time now.
I had just killed Phil as he crossed the road (I'm surprised the three approaching didn't see). Anyway, I then didn't notice Cripps and man-with-hand-in-bag-holding-water-gun until I was about 1 metre away from them. Fortunately they didn't recognise me, so I went past, turned, and shot Matt in the back with an RPG. I then enquired his name (I'm useless with remembering faces), and legged it as I noticed Cripps was looking evil.
He then attempted to chase me through town, but my superior speed and stamina won. I took a ridiculously long route back to college and went to sleep.
Kettle Cripps reports:
Well, having spent all afternoon running around a piece of green after a small piece of red, I was rather tired out and at the time the thought of Pizza was the uppermost thing in my mind. Only when I realised Holzhauer's Bane had failed to hit Scött Böhäm did I draw my water gun and run, screaming "Die!". However, I nearly had a cornary and so decided that Pizza was the better form of valour and went a long route round to a place that sold them.
Follwing a pleasent game of croquet, Panama Jack noticed an individual with a partially visible CPS. Deciding not to go for the hat kill, it being so cliche after that James Bond movie, Panama Jack drew the XP270 and shot the person who was not an assassin but just was in the wrong place. Incidently, Panama Jack was most likely overly restrained as he did not shoot the individual and his 3 friends who apparently live in Cambridge but go to or are soon entering the evil institution known as Ox-furd. Panama Jack wishes to note that despite the oft-repeated jingle, John's would have been a better choice for the three and should they be seen again they might have to be shot with the XP270.
The Tramp reports:
Jenny spotted him moving along Trinity street, moving towards me, she shouted a warning to me, while running up behind him. When he saw I had spotted him, he ran. When he turned a corner, I slowed down suspecting an ambush, checking out possible ambush positions I spotted the bright nozzle of his supersoaker behind the round church. I moved into a sniping position hoping to shoot him as he was looking for me, when he suddenly appeared from a different direction from the one I had expected, so I shot him at short range with the rifle. Really tired now of all that running about.
The Temporally Challenged Jenny Chase reports:
I feel like writing a normal report for a change.
I was heading out to see what I could see, and kill what I could kill, and as I headed over the bridge by Trinity Hall, I noticed that Abi was in one of the punts below. Resisting the temptation to practice the use of my CPS, The Rt. Honourable Stuart Moore told me to get to John's in 10 minutes. So after wasting 5 perusing a ball queue or two, I set off down Trinity Lane. Just outside Trinity Main Gate, I see a rather obvious German psychopath. My walking slowed, I tried to work out what to do. If I had gone straight in for the kill, I think I would have had a chance. However, I decided to run. Fast. Needless to say, I had a pursuer. My first thought was that Bjorn runs marathons, and I'm carrying a rucksack, but I kept him at a comfortable distance. I got to the roundabout, turned right, then immediately left by the Union building. I'd never been down there, and I found myself on a passageway with 2 exits. I got my CPS out, and looked round both. I was contemplating making a dash for it as I heard a sound, and my face hurt. He only just got me coming across the grass, but got me he did.
So finallyBjorn kills me without needing the superstar Jenny to sacrifice herself. I almost think he might be competent. Nah. Kill both myself and Abi within a minute. Then I'll call you competent. At least I made him work hard.
Lady reports:
I saw Ric heading towards Bjoern, and ran after him shouting. He ran. Bjoern leapt off in pursuit, rifle in hand, and I knew my duty was to stay and guard the Ball queue. A lady asked me as Bjoern and Ric dwindled at high speed into the distance, "Was he stealing something?" "Um, no. It's just a silly game" I replied. "Boys" she said dismissively. "And girls" I pointed out, with my hand rather obviously in a bag full of guns.
Kettle Cripps reports:
Having returned from the place of Pizzas, I saw Peter McIntyre and Neill Smith in the queue to a May Ball. Stealthily drawing my two RPGs, I crept up and proceeded to go "Aha!" and shoot them a bit.
They seemed a bit upset about this, and hoped that May Ball queues were OOB - but I checked later and they aren't, so that means that once again Peter McIntyre and Neill Smith have fallen to assassins from their own college.
As a benefit, I also stopped BjoernandJenny getting them a few seconds later (due to their excessive deadness).
pigeonAteHe reports:
For which we were truely grateful. Alas, alack. One must remember to read the rules, and not what one hopes the rules are next time. Oh yes, and come armed. :)
Lady reports:
Where to find BjoernandJenny: one's in front of you. The other is behind you.
The official Dangerous Dave reports:
Guns v Kife. Guns won.
The Tramp reports:
David was next to David, but he was already dead.
The Tramp reports:
We were looking for him, he tried to sneak up behind us, Jenny spotted him, he was surrounded, he surrendered, he died.
The Tramp reports:
We had just finished searching the Jesus May Ball queue, when Ed Nokes, J Doe and Claire Bordenave came storming towards us. We were only armed for fighting people in May Ball queues and not suitably equipped to face Ed's CPS, so we ran to a nearby college and entered a staircase, where we waited in the hope he would follow us, but he didn't.
Lady reports:
Shot him. He was dead.
pigeonAteHe reports:
Indeed. I would bear witness to this kill, but I'm afraid that dead men tell no tales.
Lady reports:
I was dead, unfortunately.
The Tramp reports:
We saw Cripps and Johnson, Mike ran away, Matt didn't. There was a reason for it, Matt was already dead.
Kettle Cripps reports:
I didn't quite run away. I hid until they had gone. And then proceeded to follow them up Senate House Passage, along Trinity Street and up to John's, at which point I lost them. I wandered aimlessly around Cambridge - failing once again to spot any assassins, and then went home and played cards with Tom Forster and Jonathan Hogg.
Lady reports:
We saw him, we fought him. His friend Jacob Collins (under no guidance from Martin, who was very good and didn't use the innocents as cover or run away) rugby tackled me while I was fighting, but I shot him and then shot O'Leary.
The infamously trigger-happy Bjoern Holzhauer reports:
This one really was legal! He grabbed my legs and tried to knock me over while I was having a pellet gun fight with Martin.
Josh Rogan reports:
Upon tracking the EVIL ACCOMPLICE to the Chaplain's partay, Psuedonym Dedicated To Hogg and I assault the right honourable McSporran. A vicious water squirt to the chest from her miniature water pistol from behind said ACCOMPLICE ends my assassination attempt and leaves me writhing in agony. The scallywag.
The problem with other assassins knowing what your evil helpers look like is that they can follow your evil helpers when they spot them. Additionally, evil helpers often run to warn an assassin, thus giving away a location and allowing a large force to attack. Seeing someone running away, I channeled yet again the spirit of Mr. Hogg in pursuit of excellence. Morag did the dishonorable thing and attempted to use her boyfriend as a willing-human shield. Alas, she did manage to hit Rogan but not Panama Jack who was a bit more careful.
Josh Rogan reports:
IWTDTPTJH does the honourable thing and assassinates both McSporran and the EVIL ACCOMPLICE for being both an informant and a human shield. Alas, I have another 3 hours and 59 minutes until she pays in full.
Deftly reaching over the shoulder of evil assistant, I proceeded to shoot Morag in the gun arm, rendering her helpless, then shoot her again to end the shootout. Although credit should go to Mr. Hogg, I would rather give thanks to Panama Jack, who is not a comedy-American who wears Hawaiian Shirt, Bermuda Short and a frayed Panama Hat, looks like a tourist with dual chrome plated RBGs and the lethal camera of death who just might have reinforced the brim of his hat with razor sharp titanium, for teaching me the art of using RBG's in a crowded room with minimal collateral damage. I do hope that none of the guests at the function mind the bloody corpse at Corpus.
If I learned nothing else from Jon Hogg in my prusuit of excellence [other than that I cannot spell], I learned that no good deed should go unrewarded. For the good deeds done by Morag's helper... warning her and willingly serving as an active and mobile human shield I decided something was in order. Monitary rewards were rejected in favor of a single rubber band to the back of the head. Accomplices of the world unite, no have nothing to lose but your lives every 4 hours!
Jenny Chaste reports:
I got me a damp hogroast, and another fine example of how the pressures of Natural Selection work to deprive the gene pool of fascinating, but inevitably short-lived, Hogg variations. Today we saw the inherent flaw in telling everyone on IRC when and where you are planning to play cards, taking the most obvious root therewards from your den, and then not checking for an ambush: it may well end up with a Hoggshead taking pride of place in someone's trophy-bag. Or worse, in the hands of a IB Ecologist.
** shudder **
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Produced at Wed Aug 21 18:05:10 2002