On behalf of most first year mathmos and members of the "Selwyn Siklos Sect" (if you don't know, don't ask) I led a plot to kill Dr. Stephen Siklos, maths lecturer extroadinaire. My associates had a few presents they wished to give him, and so I prepared an atractively wrapped package for the final lecture. I arrived at the lecture about 15 minutes early, and primed a couple of cap detonators on the box. We were only just in time, as a minute or two later, the victim of choice entered the Cockroft lecture theatre. He almost opened the package at once, but noticed the label: "To Dr. Siklos. Please open just before starting the lecture." I know that it's a bad idea to kill in front of witnesses, but I couldn't resist the opportunity to execute Dr. Siklos in front of 200 mathmos. So as the lecture theatre filled up, I was joined by Agents Innocent and Pufferfish, here to witness the carnage. He stepped forward, the room went quiet, wondering what was in the package. He made a (final) comment about how he still didn't trust student goodwill after all these years. How appropriate. He then opened the box.....
I am well aware that Dr. Siklos was not technically a legal target for me at the time, however I can see no sense in which he could be regarded as innocent. And it was very entertaining for everyone there. The main man took his death very well.
Forensic evidence reveals that the death note inside the box was signed from "Agent Innocent" although it is believed that she was merely a spectator. Lecturers of Cambridge beware, you are not as safe as you think!
At 7:20, the duelists, and assorted hangers on, corpses, significant others, arms dealers, and even an Umpire, gathered at the top of staircase EE, in Cripps' Court, Queens', to decide the outcome of the Game.
Play was restricted to the inside of staricases DD, EE, and FF - with no water weaponary in use, and no shields. Spectators were kept out of the play area.
At 7:30, the duel began, and the duellists immediatly split into three teams: Caius versus the rest.
I decided to try not to look like a short, blond, demure, hippyish young marine mammal for the duel. So it was that I came wearing a Hawaiian shirt, which I accessorized with guns: lots of guns (many thanks to Mario, Ric, Jon Hogg, Games and Puzzles and the Baby Seals for supplementing my arsenal and to Emmafia and others for volunteering to do the same.)
Thus attired, I blended perfectly with ALOHA and we went off to create havoc with our weaponry, dress sense, sense of humour and, of course, Simon's Bag Of Tricks. We met up and Ben and I defended the corridor from potential onslaught, while Simon distributed G&P heads and posters ("the ALOHA Mafia request that you commit suicide before entering this area" etc.) Simon was gone an awfully long time and Ben and I grew acutely aware that we were allied with one of the game's most notorious backstabbers. With this in mind, we gave up being sitting ducks and moved deeper into the battleground. We continued for a while, before nearly shooting and finally recovering Simon, who had changed his clothes, but not his allegiance.
At 8:00, Ben Cumming shot Matthew Laycock.
Wobbling through the twisty corridors, Dave to my right and Dave to my left, we searched for the fiends who wouldst rid Cambridge of jelly beans (or so Dave told me). The first contact was made when Dave (Simon) threw a sever-ed head through a door. It bounced down the corridor with a most pleasing squelch. I booted it back towards the now closed door where it lay stunningly.
Swapping positions with the rearguard (Dave (Ralph)) I moved slowly backwards and opened the door we had come through. Imagine my surprise when Dave's (Simon's) grinning face lay there. No, IMAGINE HARDER DAMMIT!!!!1
He fired several shots which I hastily closed the door upon and advanced backwards to my original position. Chatting merrily to an occupant (Dave) in the process of constructing a meal-on-toast whiled away the time for several minutes. Once again we tried to breakout from the hellish trap we have gotten into, Dave (Bjoern) and I simultaneously opened the staircase doors and proclaimed that all was clear in loud voices.
Then I got shot by Dave (Ben) and DIED!!!11!!!!!1!!!!!!1!!!1!!!!
Having only brought a very limited number of guns (9 RPGs, 3 RBGs and a rifle), I met the other duellists on the cold and windy roof of Cripps Court. After dicing for starting positions the Caius mafia ended up with players starting at the bottom of DD, EE and the top of DD. Being the one at the bottom of EE, I quickly joined Ralph in DD and then went up to meet Matt. Constantly changing positions we advanced through the third floor, but didn't meet any resistance before reaching FF, where att exchanged fire with Simon. At that point we slowly retreated towards EE and carefully watched the staircase. However Matt got himself distracted and opened his door too far, at which point Ben came forwards and shot him, while I didn't have a sufficiently good angle on Ben. After a brief tactical discussion Ralph and I moved onto a different floor and into the corner of the building between EE and DD.
At about 8:20, Bjoern Holzhauer killed Simon Ford, who had just removed Ralph Owens' left arm.
Suddenly some people stormed along the corridor firing guns wildly. As they came past our current position, we riddled them with bullets. However they were just non-players running about with a guns in the duel area.
After repeatedly meeting armed non-players, we finally encountered our opposition again, when we tried to enter EE staircase. Ralph was having a sniper duel with Ben, while I was guarding his back. Abby started firing at Ralph as well and a Hamster started singing in the staircase.
As a result of all these distractions (a fluffy pufferfish was also swimming about at the top of the staircase) it was understandable that Ralph didn't notice how Simon got himself into a sniping position half a floor below. Luckily Ralph had good cover and hadn't opened the door too widely, so Simon couldn't hit him. I opened fire on Simon around the door without seeing him, but realised that Abby and Ben were moving towards the second entrance to our corridor. Therefore a hasty retreat was in order, as it seemed likely Simon would be circling around us. It turned out that our retreat had been a bit too slow, because when we were moving through a kitchen, he stuck his hand around a corner and opened fire at us with a band gun hitting one of Ralph's arms, but not scoring any other noticable hits. Then he audibly ran off towards DD staircase. I immediately sprinted down a parallel corridor and reached the staircase before he did, so when arrived watching behind him to see whether we were following him, I shot him.
We moved as a group, occasionally encountering the Caians and exchanging fire with them. To my annoyance, I kept up my general tendency to very nearly shoot people without ever actually hitting anybody. This continued and we lost Simon in circumstances I'm rather confused about, one minute he was fighting alongside us, the next, his distant shade was looking down from among the spectators.
So it came to pass that I had reached the duel again thanks to my cunning strategy of living in a house, being a fourth year engineer and hardly ever going into the town centre. I decided that as the duel was to be indoors, a different set of tactics were necessary, especially if it was to be fun for both myself and the spectators. I decided to come along dressed in the ALOHA! uniform of gaudy Hawaiian shirt and sarong, and brought along my Bag of Tricks, which contained a whole host of random confusements. They included:
3 dummy heads (kindly donated by Games & Puzzles) with leopardskin
hairstyles.
5 posters, which included the Ford Strategy for Dummies, warnings to the
Caians that they were entering Simon Ford territory, and polite requests
that they commit suicide before entering the next corridor.
Various weaponary, including the modified Bad Ass Bow (useless in Cripps,
but useful when innocents steal it).
Changes of costume, including the Batman boxer shorts kindly donated by
Marwood.
Carl the Kung Fu Hamster
As the game started, I immediately stripped off my ALOHA! garb so that I was dressed only in lycra, in a pseudo-male Lara Croft stylee. Shoes off for extra stealth, I grabbed my Bag of Tricks and headed for the meeting point with Abby and Ben. Once there I got dressed up in my Cambridge lightweights splashtop and leggings in an attempt to appear as conspicuous as possible. It was then that I headed to the top of EE staircase to put up my posters and leave the dummy heads for the spectators to see. After rejoining Abby and Ben, we started to move, and after some minutes we came upon the Caius vanguard. A couple of shots were fired, but with no success. My cover blown, I headed back to the Bag where I stripped off once more to my lycra and put on the Batman boxers. I lost Abby and Ben for a while after I tried to circle round behind Caius, but then met up with them again.
And from a spectating Innocent:
A standoff between Ralph and Ben with rifles was taking place across a stairwell, below a crowd of breathless spectators. Meanwhile, the founding member of ALOHA!, having dispensed severed heads and posters around the building, started the Kung Fu Hamster singing to cover the noise of his attack. Clad in Lycra and Batman boxer shorts, with an RBG in one hand, he slithered over the railings of the stairs, hung by his non-gun hand, and dropped down, just metres from where Ralph was in cover behind the door.
Ford then climbed silently and lithely over the railings to stand right behind the door where Ralph was. After a few moments' tense stillness he stuck the RBG round the door and fired: unfortunately for him all the bands jammed in the door, and a hasty retreat from the Caians ensued.
After Matt had been successfully rubbed out by Ben, there followed a period where the Axis of Evil aka ALOHA! aka the Underdogs, were briefly on the ascendancy. The high point of this was a tense standoff around one of the stairwells. Abby and Ben were in a doorway diagonally opposite Ralph. I was on their side of the stairway, but in a position that Ralph, with his RPG pointing out the door, couldn't see. I was successfully able to silently creep across so that I was directly behind his door. Unfortunately, disaster struck for my plan, as a couple of annoying 'innocents' decided to go through the door at that precise moment. I saw Ralph, he saw me. I had plenty of opportunity to shoot him then, but I considered that to take advantage of the outside intervention would be bad form (I mean it's just not cricket!). He tried to shoot me, I tried to shoot back around the door, but neither of us had any luck, so I retreated. Deciding that it was a prime opportunity for a rearguard attack, I headed down to the next level, through the kitchens and back up the next staircase. I managed to get to a point just before the kitchens when both Bjoern and Ralph came through. Unfortunately for me, my lack of practice with the RBGs let me down, and I was only able to hit Ralph's arm. I had been convinced that I'd got them, lost my head, and when Bjoern took advantage of mania, my life.
I didn't survive this Battle Royale, but it was good fun while it lasted. I must apologise to my team mates, Abby and Ben for my rash tactics, but they seemed the most appropriate at the time. My game came to an end, but I had used my tricks to their fullest. I was glad to exact a measure of retribution against the 'innocents' who had spoilt the game for us, using the last of my spirit to take control of Carl the Kung Fu Hamster, and mince them to death. I leave the world far behind me, with memories of what might have been, but with no regrets of actions taken.
At 9:05, Bjoern killed Ben.
At this point the duel area was reduced from three to two floors and for the first time in the entire duel, we entered the ground floor and swept through the building from DD to FF and back without encountering anyone. However when we were moving from DD to EE on the second floor, we once again faced Ben and Abby across EE staircase. This time I immediately left Ralph to keep them busy and set up an ambush in DD, expecting them to sneak up on our backs again. After a few moments I heard movements in the corridor below and a door opened. As Ben walked towards the staircase he came into my field of vision and I shot him in the back from above.
The rest's also a bit hazy, I remember being pursued by a bunch of guitar wielding innocents, who pinched one of my guns. Retrieving gun. Getting separated from Ben. Quietly following the guitar and its entourage (who were now singing "give peace a chance") in an elaborate double bluff (noone would be stupid enough to hang around such noisy, irritating pains in the neck, after all.) Finding Ben again. Nearly shooting Ben. Stopping to reload and pray.
We moved on, and, proceeding cautiously forward, entered a staircase. We were being sniped at from above and, before I knew it, Ben was no more and I was surrounded by a hail of bullets, which fell harmlessly into my weapons bag.
At 9:10, Bjoern shot Abi Baker.
Mere seconds after Ben had entered DD staircase and died, Abby followed him into there, but due to her caution, I only hit her backpack. She seemed to run off towards EE through the first floor, so I moved in the same direction on the second floor. On the way I told Ralph to stay in the corridor to guard my back, then I ran on. I reached EE staircase ahead of Abby and took up a sniping position. Moments later she entered the staircase and tried to cross in order to move on to FF. When she was in the open I opened fire and hit her head.
With Ben dead, I resolved to keep moving. A plan which worked wonderfully, right up to the moment I ran into Bjorn (I know that's not how you spell it, but it's not that hard to find out that I spell my name ABI. I can only presume he's been paying more attention to Jenny's reports than mine....) I heard a slight noise and looked up into the staircase above, to see Bjoern leering down a rifle barrel, a fraction of a second later, death winged its way towards me in orange pellety form and I ascended (two flights of stairs) to join my dead comrades, the spectators and the all powerful Umpire. (MWAHAHAHAHAH...*ahem*...)
Then Bjoern and Ralph seperated (after a failed backstab by Bjoern), and continued - at about 9:40, Ralph shot Bjoern's left arm.
Now it was only Ralph and me. I ran back to where I had last seen him, shouting: "Ralph, I've seen Abby, I need your help." Unfortunately when I found him he had already reached EE via DD and discovered the bodies of Ben and Abby. With an impressive dive he avoided my rifle shots. Well, it would have been an impressive dive had my rifle actually fired and not just jammed...
I hastily retreated and so did Ralph, however the umpire declared the area I was in out of bounds, which meant I had to move, while Ralph didn't have to. However Tom was friendly enough to suggest that it would be safe enough to enter the corridor on the left. (I said that I didn't know, and that to the best of my knowledge that corridor was safe. Apparently Ralph moved since I last knew where he was...) I trusted him on that, entered the corridor, sneaked up towards the next door and had my left arm shot immediately. As it seemed infeasible to use the rifle with just one arm, I dropped it along with some other equipement and set up an ambush in a corridor on the first floor. Then I waited, waited and waited.... As it turned out Ralph had set up an entirely identical ambush on the second floor. Then he had waited, waited and waited. Eventually we moved, but only to end up in a stand-off across FF staircase.
At 10:15, or so, the duel was restricted to a much smaller area, and continued inconclusively.
At this point the duel area was reduced to just the second floor around FF staircase. We both started out in opposite kitches, which marked the boundaries of the playing area. When Tom restarted the duel, we both rushed to the side corridor that bypassed the staircase, exchanged fire through it and made some small-talk. Eventually he shifted positions and I managed to reach his side of the staircase. We exchanged some more fire in the kitchen, but to no avail. So once again I picked a different position, this time guarding the staircase securing the kitchen behind me with a sophisticated alarm system, which Ralph set off as he entered it. However I patiently waited for him to emerge, because I knew that he knew that I knew that he knew that I knew where he was. He now had to decide between going on or doubling back and wisely decided to go on, which avoided the deadly ambush I had prepared, but still left him pinned down in an alcove, which resulted in yet another inconclusive stand-off. I was urged to move out of my favourable position again and ended up in an akward place, which I had to leave one way or another. As I approached the next corridor Ralph appeared, started shooting and at the same time retreated towards the connecting side corridor, while I was diving for cover into a small alcove. If he hadn't ran out of ammunition, or if I hadn't decided that he was just pretending that he had run out, one of us might have died then, but instead we both cautiously took up more defensible positions.
At 10:35, the duel was put on hold, owing to the Porters finally noticing us.
We decamped to Pizza Express, and performed emrgency surgery on both injured arms.
At this point the duel had lasted over 3 hours and we had to leave Queen's. While eating pizza, when started discussing possible ways of ending the duel. Suggestions ranged from carrots only, over killer bunnies in Market Square, to CPSs in the pizza restaurant, but finally we decided that the quickest and clearest way of ending it was to decide it with two pistols each in the Caius JCR.
Fed and watered, we returned to Caius JCR, and the two remaining duellists faced off with a pair of pellet guns each.
A rush, and a short exchange of fire, and Ralph fell, leaving Bjoern Holzhauer victorious.
Ten paces, two guns each, the clock strikes midnight, we turn and don't fire, because we are nearly out of range. We both carefully advance, until I fire the first shot and miss. Ralph returns fire, but misses as well. We dance about waiting for the opportunity for a good shot, when he rest his weight entirely on one foot and I fire. While he can't entirely dodge the shot, he manages to turn his body out of the way and only loses an arm. As a result he drops a gun. Now I have considerably more shots left than him and he seems to be very reluctant to use his. Firing to his left and then again to his right, as he dodges in that direction as expected I hit his chest. Before he dies, I shoot his girl-friend and then strangle him with toilet paper. ]
Produced at Sat Mar 16 22:59:37 2002