Saturday Morning: went to try to kill Flash Cougar and was about to lay a bomb but he came out to go for a shower. As he was fairly obviously unarmed I asked him "are you Flash Cougar", he said "Yes, but before you kill me I think I killed the policeman in Johns last night, Michael Anderson -I shot at him, he closed his door, but he refused to acknowledge whether or not he was dead". His description of Michael fitted the one my extensive research had unearthed, so I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and let him live.
You were right, although killing him would technically have been legal - as he was still on the list.
I had a little chat with PC Horseshoe Shaped Thingy on my way to the shower this morning; he seemed to be about to put a bomb on my door, and so I told him about my little jaunt to John's last night, and how I hence hope to be off the wanted list soon.
Today a SWAT team consisting of PC Wages of Sin, Agent WI Kiwikiwi and Cheerleader Innocent, pretending to be the Binford Mafia, and then the Central Cambridge Mafia, descended on Fitzwilliam College.
There was a strangely familiar pink CD bomb in his pigeonhole.
We lurked outside his house.
We headed home.
Agent WI Kiwikiwi and PC Wages of Sin walked along, discussing lunch. I was walking behind also thinking of lunch.
I saw someone carrying a pink package, and the world went red. I have no recollection of the next few minutes: my next memory is of standing over Robert McNeilly's severely mutilated corpse. I wasn't hungry after that.
Innocent Killer Bunny
We left for Fitz, got to the house and he would not come out. A very helpful person gave us a description of him. Someone had set a bomb in the pigeonhole, danced, played music etc but hadn't killed him. We waited outside for a bit, after this we went back up to the main college. On the way we met a person carrying the bomb from the pigeonhole. I didn't get time to fire, all I remember is seeing something fast and pink flashing past me. When I turned around I saw the dead body of Robert McNeilly with his throat ripped out lying on the street. The innocent looking killer bunny was standing over him, but claims to have no memory of what happened.
If there's one thing worse than Maths lectures, it's Saturday Maths lectures. So I needed to vent my anger, and myself, Agent Innocent and Agent WI Kiwikiwi set out on the long trek to the lair of Spud. After an unproductive raid on the p'lodge to have a look at his photo, we saw an attractive bomb in his pidgeonhole. After admiring its construction (obviously without touching it) we scouted his place of abode, and after a few minutes observing and playing on swings (it ain't easy being a cop) we headed back once more to try and enter the porter's lodge. I was discussing with Agent WI Kiwikiwi what we should have for dinner, when I heard a loud, strangled scream from behind. For as I was plotting to avoid hall once more, Agent Innocent had noticed that the person passing us in the street was carrying a familiar package. She was wiping the blood off her mouth. What a noble officer. After a brief conversation with the corpse, and convincing him that we were Binford Resurrected/the Binford Swat TEAM/the Central Cambridge Mafia SWAT team/the slightly decentralised Cambridge SWAT team/the Iain Duncan Smith fan club, we went on our way. I enjoyed my hard-earned dinner.
I went to my pig today, to find a bomb I had constructed last term "finally returned to me from the umpire".
I should point out that I haven't seen that particular bomb since mid-November, and that the route of return is rather convoluted.
Being the suspicious sort, I decided the best course of action would be to take it home and disarm it.
Unfortunately on the way home I ran into a group calling themselves the "Central Cambridge Mafia" consisting of a 9ft tall Russian and a rabbit. Recognizing the package I was holding in my hand, they killed me.
My initial thoughts were "wow these guys are good, using the bomb to set me up"
Although apparently they didn't, someone else sent the bomb and they just recognized it from seeing it in my pig.
A rather fortunate assassination by the "CCM" then, but an assassination none the less.
However, whoever sent the bomb should be shot for lameness, I mean do you really think I can't diffuse my own bomb?
Okay, finished lectures at 12, went to G&P, then on to John's where our target was rather suprisingly not in. Next we felt the Al "Quiche-eater" deserved a visit. he was also not in, although we reckon we walked past him on the way out. Finally, a new victim, Flash Cougar, but he was not in either, damn bad luck really.
Again snapdragon and I paid some incompetents visits.
First to Johns, again nobody home.
Next to Kings, cumming wasn't home.
However we think he walked past us on our way out, however by the time we thought about this he had eluded our grasp, despite buzzing him continously for 5 minutes.
Next stop Emma, but Flash Cougar wasn't home...
The CoP announced tonight that he was stepping down from his position as SWAT Commander, albeit remaining in control of the Force.
The following three Officers, who have amply demonstrated their skills, loyalty and relentlessness, are now in charge of all SWAT activities:
Consistent with the new pro-active policy, a number of former officers have now been made redundant, for failing to reach the high standards we demand of them. Check the Incompetent listing for more details.
"Heute Cambridge, morgen das Sonnensystem!"
A new-look super-efficient SWAT team consisting of Agent WI Kiwikiwi, Colonel Vash, Agent Dove, Agent Wages of Sin, PC Private Investigator, PC Fish and Cripps and Support Officer Cheerleader-in-Chief Innocent went to pacify Cambridge tonight.
Fish and Cripps: John's - the Killer Bunny ate William Walter as he wandered past with a large box, and then ate his Chinese Meal too.
Innocent: "I saw him and remember little else for a bit. I was hungry."
PC Blue Carrot Cake walked on ignoring us in a very silly way.... we followed him to confirm the kill, and he went into a room and slammed the door. PC Fish and Cripps shot an innocent for walking around a corner in a disconcerting manner *after* the discussion period had been called for and when the corpse was being very annoying. He should certainly not be made wanted.
Then to New Hall where we talked to Abigail Baker and tried to convince Stuart Moore's girlfriend to open her door. Neither were feeling sociable, however, so we left there.
There was some confusion involving William Walter ignoring his own death, and attempting to set up the SWAT team, but since he neither reported this, nor bothered to discuss it (or report that), I have no problem with accepting the report of the side that *did* make some effort.
Whatever that innocebnt was doing, it seems he was acting as an accomplice to PC Blue Carrot Cake at the time, so PC Blue Carrot Cake would take the blame, if there was enough left of him to pin it on.
Selwyn - where we found Lara Crow in the corpse of Kal's room, and annoyed Kal a bit. Agent Wages Of Sin put a bullet through her chest for good measure.
Kal used the door handle of PC Investigator's room, which appeared to be freshly poisoned... the only query is when it was poisoned, and if recently, why, since it wasn't Lara's room.
Agent Wages of Sin:
PC Investigator noticed some contact poison on the door of Kal's room, as he touched it. Apparantly it felt lke vaseline. Bearing in mind that Kal has been dead almost a week, and that Lara could have no excuse for contact poisoning someone else's door as defence, could you confirm that Sam cannot possibly be dead.
I'm afraid not - the contact poison was placed there by Kal when he was wanted for incompetence, in order to get at anyone placing a bomb on his door - since he never removed it, it is still effective.
There is indeed still poison on the door, it has not been removed yet, I haven't got round to it. Please tell me they are dead.
Harvey Court - where we removed Agent Reider Stigest by extreme cunning, obtaining the door codes by looking very harmless at the porters (Agent WI Kiwikiwi was very good at this), after they insisted for a while that it wouldn't be a security code if they just gave it to us. Then we knocked on his door, while some more of us covered his window. There was no response from within so we bravely tried again. After a while a head popped round the door telling us exactly how much he appreciated our visit. As this is a family-orientated website I am unable to repeat the exact words that he used, but I (Agent Wages Of Sin) decided to shoot him successfully, which he seemed to enjoy even more than before, before slamming his door shut again. Some people always seem to take death so badly.
"What we have here is a failure to communicate." (Owing to massive drunkenness.
Last night I got drunk. Very drunk. Having got back to my room, I alleviated myself of the problem somewhat using my sink and then lay down to sleep. Just as I was dozing, a knock came at the door (I don't know what time - I'm sure you understand). Without thinking, I opened the door and, seeing nothing, started to close it again. A gormless assassin popped around the corner and valiantly fired a bullet... straight into the door. Seeing this and just about recognising it as a person, I said 'ohhahahaveryfunnynowclearoff' or a word to that effect. Panicked whispers could be heard from around the corner: "What did he say?" "I think he said 'you hit me, now clear off'". I repeated my enebriated ramblings to clarify the matter, would you believe it by opening the door. Even given this renewed chance, however, the assassin was unable to kill me. How pathetic. If it was me, I'd be too embarassed to report it.
After this successful if uneventful execution, we traversed our way to King's Hostel - to try to convince Al "Quiche-eater" to open his door but he refused and after conversation we decided to call it a night and returned back to our respective colleges for the writing of reports.
I do want to come out, I really do, but tonight was just the wrong time. There I was, finishing up Wells' Time Machine, when what should I here but desperately loud "whispering" from outside my door. Oh dear, perhaps the SWAT team is still spending too much time in John's bar. I chatted genially to everyone's good lady friend over the intercom, but even the soothing and enticing tones of her voice (and whispered comments from her accomplices) failed to encourage me out. I assure you, had it been a little earlier, perhaps not so close to midnight, I would dutifully have assumed my role as target practice for the SO, but not tonight I'm afraid. In fact, I may still venture out for a kebab, so perhaps SWAT could meet up with me later, or even bring me a kebab! That would entice me out. Creativity, you see, is the way to (put a bullet in) a man's heart.
Today at around 5pm I went to John's, to visit Mr Moore, but he wasn't in. Next, to Al "Quiche-eater". As usual I checked his window first. It's open. Now if I had a few friends along, I may well have gone for it, but I was alone, because certain members of the SWAT team don't trust me. I ponder trying to fire through the window, but he has some sort of net curtain arrangement going on, so I feel that won't work. So, my final plan, ask him to come out and die, which didn't work, as he slammed the window. We had a nice little conversation, and he said he may come out later. Then I left, at speed.
Was visited by Snapdragon I think, shouting at my window. Wanted me to come out and fight. Kept cowering behind his shield. Very strange.
Having finished my little bombs, I ventured out. I left a pigeonhole bomb for David Owens, but I think i failed to prime it correctly - we'll see.
What is more, there's another in my pigeon-hole, also now a gonner, that is mildly offensive it's so obvious- a clicky-thing on the back of a CUSU guide book.
Since I remember killing you with just that weapon last game, (admittedly, it was a hollowed out guide book, but even so...) it can't be *that* lame.
I then went to reciprocate Snapdragon's visit, but he wasn't in. So I waited outside his door for 90 minutes, but he didn't return. I managed to confuse several members of his staircase though. Decided to leave his bomb thingy at his door - maybe if he's reallllly drunk...
Much later in the evening, sometime after nine, I returned to my abode, to find a rather poor attempt at a bomb by my door. I removed it using my patented long bit of string technique, and it didn't even go bang. I was very disapointed, so I dropped it to the bottom of my staircase, and it still didn't go bang. It's still there if anyone wants it, there was a cap detonator attached, so I hope it wasn't triggered by someone else, cos those things are generally quite reliable.
Finally, although it was a lame bomb, I must commend this luckless assassin, as it appears that they lurked for at least an hour, according to the reports of my neighbours. Trying to get a better purity rating?
Went round to kill Agent Reider Stigest with PC Pufferfish. We approached his door; it was open, but he heard us just in time and slammed it. His girlfriend came out and spoke to PC Pufferfish for a bit, then we left.
An hour later we returned and found his door ajar. Again it was slammed as we approached. A note was promptly put under the door to inform PC Pufferfish that he wasn't going to let her kill him tonight. After prolonged conversation, we eventually gave up and, after lurking around his windows for a short while, went home.
Tonight I was delighted to receive a visit from a family of pufferfishes. The female, larger than the male, made rather a lot of noise outside my door and thus failed miserably to lure me out to my death. The male was somewhat quieter but was clearly present from the slurping noises audible from the corridoor. Sorry guys, you'll have to be a bit quieter in future...
It seems I am dead, killed by the chief of police no less. I feel honoured.
A few tips for wannabe rampagers:
- Don't do it in the middle of an essay crisis
- Shoot round the side of the door before you poke your head out
- Die at a time that'll get you onto an update quickly. I feel my corpse may be looking fairly mutilated by the end of tomorrow.
I'm also asked to remind people to avoid headshots if possible.
Following the previous failures of pigeonhole bombs, I decided on using a different container for my constructions and redesigned the detonator. Thus I manufactured a more sophisticated explosive device. So it was that I went to the post room and left this little homemade bomb with added contact poison in Flash Cougar's pigeonhole.
Secondly, there appears to be a bomb in my pigeon hole; although I haven't had the energy to deal with that yet (I believe it will go BANG when I detonate it, which'll be extremely wearying on my nerves) later this afternoon I'll attach a looooooong piece of string to it, retreat to a safe distance and pull.
Being on the incompetent list seems so very tiresome,
And last night:
The bomb is a gonner.
Agent Wages Of Sin offers a pack of biscuits on the head of Agent Reider Stigest, for anyone who kills him. Size and quality to be determined depending on manner of execution. Let's make it entertaining please. Suicide will not count I'm afraid. Happy hunting.
Lots of SWAT activity today: New Museums was staked out by a six-person SWAT team (myself, Agent Pufferfish, PC Fish and Cripps, Agent Wages of Sin, Executive Officer (XO) Oberstleutnant Herr Hans Örangen, Divisionschef Dschungelkriegsführung and Agent WI Kiwikiwi). Several times. Before lectures, after lectures and between lectures.
I actually went to lectures as well, and some of them were mine.
We knew Stuart Moore was dead but since I had 5 different requests along the lines of "Leave him for me!" plus a similar feeling myself, we decided that we didn't know that and wanted to kill PC Fruit and Agent Reader Stigest as well. It seems they are now all dead. Now there's a surprise. The day is still young, the sun's in the sky, the birds are singing, people will die.
Support Officer (SO) SWAT Mascot Impossibly Fluffy Innocent Killer Bunny of Doom
Officers: SWAT CO Vash, SWAT XO Orangen, SWAT SO Innocent, Agent Wages of Sin, Agent Pufferfish, PC Fish and Cripps Also present; one mercenary [name withheld] aiding the police
Location; New Museums Site; outside Cockcroft and Babbage lecture theatres
Date and Time; 8.45, 9.50, 11.55 Monday 4th March
Details: Full SWAT squad assembled with mercenary help in an attempt to eliminate a variety of targets including Agent Reiders Stigest, and various incompetent officers including PC Fruit, Commuter Division. Entrances to the cockcroft lecture theatre were all guarded, the first phase of the operation was unsuccessful with merely a tedious wait, the second phase at 9.50 proved successful with SWAT CO Vash successfully eliminating PC Fruit, Commuter Division and the mercenary mutilating his corpse. Attention was then transferred to the babbage lecture theatre where it seemed likely the target would turn up to collect new notes. SWAT Executive Officer XO Oberstleutnant Herr Hans Örangen, Divisionschef Dschungelkriegsführung initially checked that his target had not entered the practically empty lecture theatre then patrolled the top of the steps leading to it whilst other swat team officers guarded the targets likely entrance route. A second check of the theatre again did not reveal the target and so patrolling was resumed until the lecture had started at which point a decision was reached that the target was probably skipping lectures for the day. The suspect was not seen in a final quick check of the theatre and so a poisoned lecture note bomb in the targets pigeonhole was planned, luckily this proved unnecessary. The final phase of the operation was also a failure with no target being present leaving the maths lectures. More SWAT actions are planned.
Agent WI Kiwikiwi
This morning saw another highly successful SWAT operation, our team had surrounded and infiltrated the assassins training facility known as Cockcroft. Several officers were guarding back and side entrances, while Generaloberst Herr Karl Vash, Wächter des geheiligten Sauerkrauts waited outside one front entrance and I lurked in the other one.
Suddenly I heard gunfire and saw the incompetent PC Fruit, Commuter division next to Vash. I had utmost confidence in the CO's abilities, but I hadn't seen what had happened so I bravely shot PC Fruit, Commuter division in the back just to make sure. Then I noticed that Generaloberst Herr Karl Vash, Wächter des geheiligten Sauerkrauts had reached for his gun and then relaxed again when he recognized me, while PC Fruit, Commuter division wasn't commuting at all. In fact he had been impaled on a pike driven into the wall, which kept him upright, a fact that had lead me to the false conclusion that he might still be alive.
While waiting outside Lectures for Stuart Moore, I happen to see PC Fruit, Commuter division. Asking not to be soaked he reached for his gun and was shot. It turns out he only wanted to offer me an alternate weapon. I apoligise for any discomfort a corpse can feel. Agent Kiwikiwi then emerged from a lecture theatre and shot him again for good measure. However Mr. Moore failed to attend his death...
On the contrary, he attended it well in advance...
I treasure my privacy. I do not particularly want the area of corridoor outside K2, Harvey Court to be come Cambridge's premier romantic nighttime spot, nor do I wish to be woken up at ungodly hours by assassins who think that my door is actually connected to me. It was for these reasons that I decided that I had to die today. However, to die whilst trying to escape would have been ignoble; far better to evade death during one of the most dangerous times of the week - Monday morning lectures - and then offer myself up on a plate. This I have now achieved. Knowing that 'A' physics would be crawling with assassins, I decided to take a trip down to Lensfield Rd and watch the 'B' physics offering, cleverly disguised as a tourist. After the lecture, I walked up Regent St (still in disguise, of course) and entered the Babbage Lecture Theatre via the rear entrance, choosing a seat near the back. I saw Agent Orange or whatever he is called today patrolling the theatre and could have sworn he saw me and turned quickly to report to Agent Pufferfish. I must have been mistaken - my disguise was obviously too subtle. At the end of the lecture, I left quickly and then had to go to the toilet for ten minutes - most unfortunate. I then walked into town, knowing that I had outwitted Agent Pufferfish, Agent Orange and probably the SO, who tends to hang out at 'A' physics for some reason. Ho hum, mission completed. Nice warm feeling inside, now gotta get killed to avoid repeat of campsite now developing outside my door. This was easier than I thought - I walked down Green Street and spied Agent Pufferfish, shopping in hands. She did not spot me - cunning disguise again! She had almost walked past me when I called out to her, "Hello Rosemary". She fumbled in her bag, got out her gun and shot me. Second warm feeling - blood gushing out of my chest. Ho hum.
The incompetent police officer Simon Sprague had become a constant nuisance
due to his terrible jokes, silly pseudonym and tactics of winding up the
players, especially me.
I signed up for the police on Saturday and tried to kill him at the
Outside Hall on Saturday
Outside First Hall on Sunday
Outside Formal Hall on Sunday
In his room at 8.30 pm on Sunday- he'd left his door open but slammed it just in time.
In his room at 10pm on Sunday- this time there was a note on the door saying "Hi Rosemary. Sorry you can't kill me at the moment. Have a pleasant evening". I decided to follow his advice and gave up for the night.
But the Pufferfish was not to be dissuaded that easily... Three more attempts were made:
Outside what we thought was his first lecture on Monday. It turns out he
goes to the *other* physics instead.
Outside the start of his second lecture on Monday... he went in the back
Outside at the end of the same lecture- presumably he must have gone out the back way too.
Eight attempts later, I was starting to get a little annoyed. At 11.30 however, I was returning from Sainsbury's when I saw him walking down Green Street. He greeted me cheerfully as he drew his RBG.... and took a pellet in the chest before he had time to fire. At last the world is rid of the menace that is the Agent Reider Stigest.
There will be much dancing and rejoicing in the streets of Honolulu tonight, when they hear that Snapdragon was finally hunted down. Mercenary James Jekyll had noticed that Snapdragon usually walked from lectures to G&P and then tried to kill Ben Cumming. Thus he waited on Market Street watching the entrance of Borders from a location further up the street. Then he saw Vash and Snapdragon arriving. Taking great care to remain unnoticed he ran into the shop through a side entrance and hid himself between the book shelves with as much haste as possible. In a reflection he could watch the agents of the Feathered One walking towards his position. As you well know, people don't tend to expect this sort of thing and thanks to the power of Kit Stone Snapdragon is now dead.
I had a really bad feeling about today, I was almost certain that today would be the day. On my way into lectures this morning I noticed Jenny, James Jekyll and several others leaving my lecture theatre. I watched from a distance until they were far enough away that James Jekyll would not be able to get to me before I made it into the lecture. (So much for Jenny not trusting live players). After my lectures, I decided to go straight home, as I felt it was far too dangerous. However, Vash convinced me to go to G&P. Lets go through Borders I say, rather foolishly as it turns out, because who should be waiting for me was James Jekyll, who craftily shot me in the back as I walked past his concealed position. Anyway, I'm now dead, and there are still 200g Bourbon Creams on James Jekyll's head, 400g if he doesn't make the duel.
The following has just arrived from an anomynous source within the police force who was almost shot by James Jekyll.
A reward of one and a half choclate hobnobs (less if the killer bunny happens by) is offered for the head of Simon Ford, this reward is believed to have nothing to do with the death of Snapdragon.
Then I was walking through Borders with Snapdragon, I hear a bang and see a retreating figure... James Jekyll had just shot Snapdragon in the back. so we had a nice sociable chat, with a surprising number of corpses and police officers who had apparently just happened by.
The ghost of Excrivitor Karavas has obviously still to realise that hes dead, as he shot three people today. Unfortunately, due to the spectral nature of his weaponry, they produced no ill affects, aside from a small amount of shock to the victims as a pale shadow of a bullet passed straight through them.
I was walking through New Museums ealier today, when I espied some shady looking characters, who on closer inspection turned out to be the swat team. Being a ghost it was a trivial excercise to drift up quietly to the unsuspecting Innocents, at which point I exerted my ghostly powers to produce a large thunderclap, just behind Jenny's ear. Just before this I had espied the newly ressurected Agent Pufferfish, and so I ducked behind a van and came out behind her and emptied my gun into her. This didn't seem to have much effect however, since the bullets passed straight through her.
Finally, I was wandering home, when I met up with Bjoern Holzhauer. After talking for a bit we parted, but I rematerialized a bit further round the corner, and waited for him to come past. Completely oblivious he walked straight past me and was easy prey for my still-inneffectual ghostly pistol.
Ah well.... It did provide considerable amusement, even if the effects were rather limited....
The Ghost of Excrivitor Karavas.
Aving seen a suspicious mustache residing within a black coat walking down the street, I proceeded to approach it from behgind. Yelling "Nokes" I pointed my gun at it when it turned round and fired. The round failed to fire correctly, falling short. closing the distance, and dodging the bullets of the not so incompetent cop, we proceeded to duel outside Kings. Alas, for when a truce was called, it turned out that I had only hit his shoulder, and not his heart, so he lives to fight yet again..... maybe we'll be able to kill him when we finally get round to taking a SWAT team over...
I was walking down Kings' Parade today at about 2:50, when Hoggsie popped a few shots at me from behind. The first was short, by which time I was returning fire, and his second bounced off my arm. I didn't see whether it hit my torso first, so I left it up to him. He decided on a non-fatal armhit, so that SWAT has something to do later on this week.
It occurred to me today that if the SWAT team think I'm short, blonde and demure, the excitement of assassins (even as an incompetent) may well pass me by. To make up for this, Ric Brackenbury and I decided to stake-out Lunatic Doormouse's room this afternoon.
Before making the trek to Emma, we prepared one of my trademark "I can't believe it's not a bomb!" bombs (I'll buy some detonators one day) to leave outside his door in the hope it would distract Mark's attention from the unexpected contents of his kitchen (two assassins, one muppet and a jar of Cambridge's most terrifying jam) for long enough to shoot him.
He was in his room and probably heard us placing the "bomb", since he opened his door shortly afterwards with a long piece of string. We shot at him, he shot at us, but sadly noone got hit.
With our cover well and truly blown, we debated whether to continue to wait, deciding that the kitchen was nice enough and neither of us was in a particular hurry to leave. However, after a while we heard someone enter the bottom of the staircase and then a rapid series of clicks which to the well trained (if slightly paranoid) ear, sounded like an RBG firing. We didn't particularly want to incur the wrath of the rest of the college and so left. Leaving behind a strip of unidirectional, contact poisoned tape at ankle height across his door in the hope that the room's sole occupant would step into it on his way out. Anyone entering the room should be unaffected.
As I was preparing to go out I remembered that I had heard something outside my door a while back. Therefore, expecting a bomb I opened my door from a distance with a piece of string. What I found was not a bomb, but two people bearing guns firing at me. Fortunately my room has a set of inner doors which I hastily closed, thus avoiding all their rubber bands. After what can only be called a furious fire fight (on their part...I didn't shoot once), I managed to close my main door, thus ending the attempt...or so I thought.
The next thing I heard was the sound of sellotape outside. After a suitable period of time, I once more opened my door with string. Again no bomb - but there was a piece of sellotape across the threshold of my door. As it wasn't attached to anything explosive I assume it was meant to be contact poison. Anyway I donned my plastic gloves/bags and quickly and easily removed and disposed of it.
I would like to take this opportunity to thank my assailants - at last a decent attempt on my life...it has been so dull. Before this I had one easily disarmed bomb, and reports of a swat team consisting of 10 (??why???!!??) paying a visit when I was out. This is the first time anyone has ever shot at me, and hopefully not the last.
After an exciting weekend's Swatting, I decided to return to smaller group work, and today's masterplan was to remove two incompetents from the list. So I met up with Jenny Hellfire, and we plotted a raid on the lair of Emma's current slacker, Lunatic Doormouse. After passing someone who looked suspiciously like Ed Nokes on our journey, we relocated in our remote headquarters in Lunatic Doormouse's kitchen, mainly because it has a nice view over the lake. Jenny Hellfire had constructed an impressive fake bomb, the purpose being to distract our target's attention for long enough to shoot him. The evidence obtained on the scene suggested that Mark Goddard was in his room, and after a few minutes of the stakeout, we decided to move the "bomb" to the other side of the door, so he would have to come out further to examine it. Fortunately Abigail Baker was covering me, because as I was moving the explosive, the door swung open, and as I looked up I stared briefly into the eyes of Lunatic Doormouse, and survived to tell the tale. For he had opened the door with string (he must have thought we were capable of planting a real bomb) and was on the far side of his room. Both Abi and I fired at him, while dodging a bullet in the opposite direction, and I politely greeted him as he cowered behind a second door. We retreated to the kitchen to continue the stakeout and to consider putting "magic jam" contact poison on our device, however we heard some suspiciously assassin-related noises beneath us, and decided to leave before the remnants of Emmafia came to mutilate us.
However, we had ascertained that he was the only person in his room., so we left an ankle-height strip of contact poison across his door, with only the side facing the door poisonous, leaving it harmless for anyone coming up to his door.
A charming leaving present methinks.
I'm impressed by the appearing bullet, myself.
It has been some time since the founding member of ALOHA! got off his lazy ass and did something, but today he did. First he enjoyed a luncheon of Herculean proportions with the Most Amazing Man Who Ever Lived, Hugo Rune. Rune put it to Ford that both Snapdragon and Papa Lazarou were members of the notorious ALOHA!, but Mr Ford scoffed at such suggestions. The possibility did bring a wry smile to his countenance, and it was visibly evident that he wished for a larger empire or repast. So it was decided that further courses would be eaten following some fresh urban air. It was lunchtime, so Cambridge was filled with dirty-faced street urchins, appealling to the generous gentleman for some change. A sneer from one, a turning out of the pockets from the other, and they were on their way. On their way to a college of great reknown in these parts, home to the famous detective Sherlock Holmes. Hugo Rune decided that he should visit Holmes, and prove to him that he was indeed his mortal enemy. Unfortunately, Holmes was absent, as was Watson, and Mrs Hudson wouldn't give us the key, so we left a little present for him. Deciding that we'd partaken of enough exercise for one week, let alone a day, we made haste to return to our midday meal, with the intent to make it the evening meal and supper too.
I went out with the SWAT team to kill Goddard this evening. He approached the University Centre eventually, he got shot, I invited the whole SWAT team round to my room to look at the bomb on the outside of it that Agent WI Kiwikiwi had warned me about earlier.
This is where the story becomes somewhat comical and worthy of a near miss on the Darwin award...
I looked at the thing: a 1 litre apple juice carton on its side with a damp patch around it where it had been leaking. Hmmm, can't read the writing. The SWAT team clustered round and someone said, "What's the blast radius?" I turned on the light (with my gun, in case of contact poison). A warbling sound started. Oh bugger. I can now see the radius: 2.4m. So that'll be me and the entire SWAT team dead then. Jenny and Rosemary were still climbing the stairs, so they were OK, and Vash might have been just out of range, but everyone else wasn't (Tom Forster, Peter McIntyre, Mike Cripps and Matt Johnson).
Having received several comments about Darwin awards, I picked up the bomb and noticed it was rather light. Indeed, most of the water had escaped. I measured the remainder into a mug. There was enough to fill one mug and another third. Probably about 300 ml, so not enough for any blast radius. Phew.
Then I looked at the detonator. Light sensor on ceiling above door. I switched it off then realised that I'd moved the explosive quite some distance away from it and there was nothing connecting them, nor had there been.
Hence I conclude I'm definitely not dead, somewhat fortunately.
The might of the assembled swat team (etc) met a quarter of an hour before Mark Goddard's chess match owing to high quality intelligence. Owing to low quality planing, it took until quarter past to set up the ambush. And then we shot him anyways.
Flush with our recent run of sucesses the swat team went to look at a bomb (some of us can't remember what they look like). Oooh, we all crowded round. Urrgh, it's been punctured-apple juice on the carpet. Aagghh, it just went off. V.impressed by the light sensor, btw, must get me some of them. The person who placed that bomb (and suspicion, surely, must fall on Jenny or Rosmary as the only members of the team to have gone somehwere else first) forgot to attach the bomb to the detonator, so everyone relaxed. We believe we ought to be worthy of at least a mention in the Darwain award?
Having shed some of the surplus members (namely rosemary and jenny) we decided to go to tennis court road-again. So we did. And we waited. And we waited. And a guy with a goatee cycled past and nearly got shot. And we waited. And the same guy cycled back. And mike left rather a lot of contact poison. And shot someone (with a goatee). And we waited. And we left. Hope the bedder doesn't mind too much...
I didn't kill anybody tonight. Cripps killed a lot of people, all innocent. Firstly we went to take down the emma incompetent as he was going to play chess - yes, 7-8 people may be a little over the top, but we got him in the end. Then we all went to have a look at Simon Ford's bomb (apart from Jenny and Rosemary who went to have a look at Rosemary's piegon hole) While the swat team was crowded around the bomb, Sir Sven O'Bjornchester Samuel J. McHolzhauer Yirteen-blimps-ahoy! Wilson hit the ligh switch with his gun, detonating the clever little device. i was standing about 2.5m away and was outside the stated balst radius. However upon further investigation, it was noticed that in fact the bomb had leaked and was almost empty of explosive, and better yet, the detonator was not attached to the bomb! A new award perhaps?
We deserve a near miss of the darwin award I thinks.
Next Cripps, tom F, me and one other went to see mr cummings he didn't emerege, so we spoke to his neighbours who claimed three different subjects from us, and asked us which colleges we were from, so we told them similar lies to those they told us. Then Cripps went mad! He decided to use some contact poison on EVERYTHING! I believe he has been reigned in again....slightly.
We all trooped to look at the bomb on Sir Sven O'Bjornchester Samuel J. McHolzhauer Yirteen-blimps-ahoy! Wilson's door. Agent Pufferfish and Innocent went to the pigeonholes first. We returned to find that the others had apparently been crowding round it, and had activated the detonator by switching on the light. Clever, but since the detonator wasn't attached to the explosive and most of the explosive had leaked out onto the carpet, Sir Sven O'Bjornchester Samuel J. McHolzhauer Yirteen-blimps-ahoy! Wilson, Commanding Officer (CO) Generaloberst Herr Karl Vash, Wächter des geheiligten Sauerkrauts, Executive Officer (XO) Oberstleutnant Herr Hans Örangen, Divisionschef Dschungelkriegsführung, Agent Dove and PC Fish and Cripps are presumably all unharmed.
Which is a good thing because the alternative would be very, very embarrassing...
Agent WI Kiwikiwi, Sir Sven O'Bjornchester Samuel J. McHolzhauer Yirteen-blimps-ahoy! Wilson, Commanding Officer (CO) Generaloberst Herr Karl Vash, Wächter des geheiligten Sauerkrauts, Executive Officer (XO) Oberstleutnant Herr Hans Örangen, Divisionschef Dschungelkriegsführung, Support Officer (SO) SWAT Mascot Impossibly Fluffy Innocent Killer Bunny of Doom, Agent Pufferfish, Agent Dove and PC Fish and Cripps had a very subtle plan for dealing with Lunatic Doormouse. The plan was that we would be where he was going to be and then we would try to kill him. We did. Agent WI Kiwikiwi got the kill, but luckily he had some support in case he needed it. I don't believe Mark Goddard was really armed. It's better to be safe than sorry.
We obviously had no idea that Cripps had spent the day shooting anyone with a goatee, and therefore it was not corruption at all.
As I was the only person capable of identifying Mark Goddard, I waited outside the building with the simple task of shouting his name and waving at him as soon as he would appear. At that point the police officers from down the road, the two talking nearby, the couple from across the street and the innocent looking person from the foyer would all shoot him. 9 on 1 might seem a bit excessive, but he had killed three people in the past.
As soon as he arrived, I waved and I shouted, but my backup seemed to walk towards us rather casually, while he tried to dash for the door. Therefore I had to shoot him myself.
I died tonight, thus ending my Assassins odyssey. I have a purity rating of 90.5 (makes you wonder how I survived this long), Agent WI Kiwikiwi has a much lower one. Therefore, it is no surprise that he chose to set me up tonight, whilst I chose not to set him up. What is flattering though is that he felt the need to bring 8 other people along with him, which after the ten of an earlier swat raid is quite amusing...after all this is my first time playing.
The eight police/assassins were hanging around in a Mission Impossible (the original one) style ambush...a couple kissing, two of the side at Scudumores etc. - you get the idea. The difference to Mission Impossible is that there were far more obvious. On my approach Agent WI Kiwikiwi shouts out "Hello, Mark." At this point the whole situation is clear to me, but unfortunately my Director of Studies (he who writes my references) was in front of me, and I had a chess match to play - so I could neither leg it or start killing people (contrary to what one report says I most certainly did have a weapon on me). Therefore, I resigned myself to my fate. All I can say though is that it is a pity Agent WI Kiwikiwi was there, as he was the only one (out of nine remember) who was competent enough to actually hit me (not to mention the only one who knew what I looked like..). Nevertheless the evening was not lost, as my team (if not myself) put in a superb performance in the chess match.
PC Fish and Cripps reports the death of two more innocents. After lurking outside a lecture it was hoped that Ben Cumming would attend, I shot someone who had roughly the same facial hair as Al "Quiche-eater". However, this was in fact not Al "Quiche-eater", so I left quickly. I then spent an hour waiting outside King's Hostel to shoot him. Again, someone vaguely matching a description of him left and I shot them. They didn't stop, however, so I am assuming they were an innocent too.
And so, on the 4th of the 3rd of the 2nd, did PC Fish and Cripps and divers elements of the Black Ops team venture forth in attempt to kill Al "Quiche-eater". We lurked outside a potential lecture - where PC Fish and Cripps shot an innocent who matched a vague description he had been given. "He may have a ghotee". With that to go on, did PC Fish and Cripps then stake out his lodging, and shoot another bearded one.
Deciding to call it an afternoon, he returned to college.
In the evening, more members arrived and we shot Goddard, of Emmanuel, on his way to a chess match.
Then it was off to Caius to watch a bomb being badly defused. Trinity's Wolfson Building sprang to mind as the bomb detonated - apparently - although half of the explosive had leaked out and the detonator was not attached to anything.
And then did some of us return to Tennis Court Road where I shot two more innocents and poisoned the door handle of Al "Quiche-eater". I believed indirect attacks against incompetents were allowed, but the subsequent events of the evening were to prove me wrong.
But, lo, on my return to my abode, did I find the following message waiting for me:
>> Quit it, now.
>> That sort of behaviour is what gets the Assassins in trouble and/or >> disrepute. And you are (were) a f*cking police officer!
>> I'd suggest you go back and remove the poison, but I honestly have no way of >> enforcing this...
That was the CoP, and I basically agree with him. Common sense, please.
And so did I venture forth once more into that building and found the poison had already been removed. As I stood in contemplation, however, did a hand verily appear around the door frame and fire two rubber bands at me. Fortunately I had cover behind a door, but I scarpered.
Well, I was returning from a vaguely enjoyable meal with friends, and what did I find waiting for me but fruit juice! At my door. Deary me, but I was already full, I couldn't drink another drop. I feared the worst - so I tied loo roll around it and pulled it over, but it just started leaking onto the floor. Then my friend warned me about the small landmines on my landing, which I hadn't noticed. So I removed them, then checked EVERYTHING for contact poison. Which was just as well because EVERYTHING was contact poisoned. I wiped it all off, including on the taps and loo-handle, and spyhole and red/green disc thingy. And then went inside and checked that I hadn't got any on me; but I was fine. Not two minutes later and who should return to his crime scene but PC Fish and Cripps, I heard him outside, evidently wanting to remove the contact poison. But there wasn't any, he grabbed his apple juice, just as I got to my door and pulled it open to fire at him with my RBG I waved it in his general direction with my arm round the door, but I missed as he jumped backward.
Officers: SWAT Executive Officer Oberstleutnant Herr Hans Örangen, Divisionschef Dschungelkriegsführung, PC Fish and Cripps
Location: New Museums Site, Cambridge
Date and Time 13:50 Monday 4th March
Details: Inteligence reports having suggested Al "Quiche-eater" prescence in this area at this time a small ambnush was planned. The plan went well except for the failure of the target to turn up and problems with misidentification. Orangen spotted one individual who looked like the target but without a beard and although the lack of a weapon or bag in which to conceal a weapon suggested that the suspect was not in fact an assassin he took the step of going up to the suspect and saying "ben [pause in which suspect turns round looking confused] are you Ben Cumming" seeing the suspect appeared very confused by this and was not reaching for a gun SWAT XO Örangen, decided that possibly the identification was wrong and did not fire. PC Fish and Cripps soon joined SWAT XO Örangen, and together they watched the passing people SWAT XO Örangen wondered if there was another route the target could have taken to avoid them and so went on a brief reconacence. In the interlude PC Fish and Cripps unfortunately saw an individual matching the targets description whom he shot only to find oyut that this was in fact an innocxent. PC Fish and Cripps admmited this to SWAT XO Örangen who was then faced with the difficult decision of what to do in such circumstances.
Situation; a subordinate officer admits to a SWAT raid commander the accidental killing of an innocent, this incident is not seen by the senior officer who would not know except for the honesty of the subordinate.
Suggest Officer attempts a task that if successfully achieved might give grounds for redemption
Do nothing and await orders from higher up
Judgement: Suggest Officer attempts a task that if successfully achieved might give grounds for redemption
Reasons for judgement:
Whilst the decision to shoot first questiuon later was clearly a very stupid action by PC Fish and Cripps as the senior officer present on this raid Örangen (the only person present who had seen tghe target before) was in part responsible for the actions of subordinate officers, and had put Fish and Cripps into a situation for which he was not qualified since PC Fish and Cripps had not seen the target before. Whilst PC Fish and Cripps actions were stupid he can hopefully redeem himself, and make a good officer.
Officers:SWAT Commanding Officer Generaloberst Herr Karl Vash, Wächter des geheiligten Sauerkrauts ;SWAT Executive Officer Oberstleutnant Herr Hans Örangen, Divisionschef Dschungelkriegsführung ; Support Officer SWAT Mascot Impossibly Fluffy Innocent Killer Bunny of Doom ; Agent Dove; Agent Pufferfish; Others also involved
Locations; various including Kings College Hostel and Cauis
Date and Time; Monday 4th March
Following a raid against Mark Goddard zer SVAT team stupidly vent to Cauis to see a bomb az ve clustered around ze device somevone svitched on zer light at which point zer device exploded. Ven zer noise died down we realised zat ve ver still alive: Luckily zere ver several faults vith zer bomb:
Attach your detonator to your bomb- it cannopt act as a fuse if unattached
Make sure your explosive does not leak away- blast radius does tend to drop as your explosive seeps into the carpet
Following zis lucky escape zer team divided zith some going to attack Al "Quiche-eater" using a new special weapon. Acquired from a certain Russian general in a special offer wiz a bulk shipment of nukes zer SVAT team acquired zer mark vun Pschycopath the result of a soviet attempt to create ze perfect psychotic killer. Luckily the attempt failed, bjoern remains unique, but zer resulting creation iz a killer. Zer SVAT team had released zis killer earlier in zer afternoon and now took him to zer Kings College tennis court road hostel ver we released him again. Zer results ov zis test ver not a success; zer pshcycopath know only az 'PC Fish and Cripps' proved immpossible to control vith two innocents killed and a large amount of contact poison spread. Ve believe zis Veapon to be useless as it cannot be controlled, it haz now escaped to roam zer streets ov Cambridge. It Vill be terminated on sight. Case open.
While I am not entirely opposed to Black Ops, condoning mass slaughter of people with goatees merely on aesthetic grounds is just wrong. Hence I will not do it myself.
As you may have guessed, PC Fish and Cripps has been made vanted.
I saw one Mr Matt Garrett walking along the road. I was cycling. Now, he's technically innocent (and dead) but he has also offered a reward for winding me up most effectively, which has made my life extremely tedious sometimes. I was also hungry. I didn't have to stop cycling.
His corpse got mutilated.
Some law enforcers went to visit Al "Quiche-eater" to ask if he had a goatee or not. The killer bunny was hungry.
His window was open, and the curtain flapping in the breeze. This was a good sign. Then we found an unexpected ally cruelly discarded in a dustbin: it was clearly a deadly octopus. It was very nice and friendly, and we felt sorry for it, so we modified it slightly for it own good. The cleaner I met before made enquiríes and was dissuaded from interfering.
We helped the hungry octopus up to the window. It ate his iMac and some other things on his desk, and was questing around looking for flesh. Al "Quiche-eater" mysteriously tried to fire on us, even though we had nothing to do with the rather cute creature, but his shots fell short. Our return fire missed. Something of a standoff, and we ran out of ammunition and were forced to leave the octopus to take care of itself after Al "Quiche-eater" cruelly through it out.
We feel the animal abuse carried out on bagpusses, octopi and bunnies in Tennis Court Road deserves severe reprisals.
A few minutes of buzzing alerted me to the possibility that SWAT Mascot Impossibly Fluffy Innocent Killer Bunny of Doom had returned yet again - is this sheer magnetism on my part? Probably. She proceeded to push a mop through my half open window and almost dislodged my computer, which didn't please me. A small firefight ensued through the net curtain, but I managed to use most of my rubber bands and hit precisely no-one. A couple of the other person's rubber pellets got inside, but didn't hit me. I waited a little while, then left for Emma.
Bagpuss and I grew tired of our mutual company today, and ventured toward
the emma. Having qcquired help from the friendly porter, we set off to Flash Cougar's staircase. Up we go, one floor... two floors... third floor, (I
think). There we go, X**.
[runs back to the stairs]
Door opens, out pops a confused man, clearly unarmed.
"Are you Flash Cougar?" I ask, sensing my mistake.
"Ummm... but I thought Dave lived in X10..." A reasonable question I felt,
"Quite possibly, but this is Y10."
And as I left he berrated my mistake loudly and with much humour. Maybe I'll go back and kill him anyway.
So, two minutes later and the right staircase:
A pause, then "Who is it?" Clearly my lame "It's me" didn't have the calming effect I desired. A minute later a head flashed quickly round the door, I loosed a round from my RBG, but he was back in too quick. Then I heard an electronic pellet gun starting up, I have one og those things so I knew best to scarper.
Well, I'm just getting sick of this. I'm sitting peacefully at my desk doing work and what does someone do? Bang on my door. When I asked who they were, they said "me". This I took to be suspicious. I therefore gave it a few seconds before opening my door, gun in hand; they then shot at me with a rubber band gun. Deciding that discretion was the better part of valour, i retired to my room.
Three people have tried to kill me in the last few days- and so much of the game's been so very peaceful as well.
Today I received an invitation to a little ALOHA! gathering, although the cunningly disguised messenger also told me there would be extra guests attending. The more the merrier, eh?
I dutifully donned my official ALOHA! uniform and then subtly mingled with the crowd (somewhat of an achievement surely, in a Hawaiian shirt with big orange roses and "I SURF" printed on front)... At about 18.45 a certain cat-like figure emerged from the darkness (but mercifully he wasn't flashing this time so I almost failed to recognise him) closely followed by Simon. After this jolly start, things went badly downhill for our prowling feline guest: he got coshed from behind (must have been an accident I reckon, after all who would stoop to such treachery?). The cougar was yowling rather annoyingly and spitting insults upon my dashing colleague, so I deemed it proper to let the poor thing out of its misery.
While Simon was disposing of the corpse, I realised 'twasn't over yet: the enthusiastic Agent WI Wikiwiki was sprinting towards us, perhaps alerted by the victim's ungodly cries. For some reason he didn't seem to notice me (that shirt is such a good disguise) but headed towards Simon, toting big phallic weapons and looking downright sexyTM. Fortunately I am the master of the patented ALOHA! Stupidity WaveTM, guaranteed to work against any Womanising Incompetent (WI for those not in the know). This incredible weapon has never failed me, and nor did it do so now: in front of a dozen amazed onlookers, Agent WI Wikiwiki cut off his left leg in mid-stride with his own KifeTM. I then tried to kill him as well, but he sure as hell can hop very, very fast and I lost him after a short and frenetic pursuit.
I have to hold my hand up and say "Give me the Brutus Award" for this one. I have just masterminded the assassination of a fellow Emmanuelite, David Owens. This is the kind of behaviour that prompted Robert Hiersemenzel to put a ransom on my head, and justly so. Mr Hiersemenzel may consider me a womanising incompetentTM, but that is untrue; the fairer sex have not been responsible for my devious acts; they are innate, and always shine through. So to tonight and the execution of a most cunning schemeTM. I had learned that Mr David Owens had both myself and Poisonality as targets. When he came to me and asked that I assist him kill my fellow mafia member Poisonality, I leapt at the chance. So it was that a "set-up" was arranged, whereby I would meet Poisonality in college, and then Flash Cougar could kill her. Unfortunately for him, events took a different direction to those which he had anticipated. As we sighted Poisonality, I coshed Flash Cougar. He fell to the ground crying "Brutus!" Poisonality then took out her garrotte, and strangled him, silencing his screams. To finish the job, I took "Carl the (all singing, all dancing) Kung-Fu Hamster"TM from my bag, and minced the corpse of the Flash Cougar. To hide the evidence, we threw his body into the pond; the ducks would be getting something tastier to eat tonight.
I stand before you a very, very unhappy man. You see, I have been crossed by a man who can only be described as a lanky proto-goth. I asked him for help to kill a fellow assassin; graciously, he agreed to take time off from masturbating like a chimp in a cage and help me. Flash Cougar was to come to Emma Bar at 6:30; I was then to shoot her...
Unfortunately, upon arriving, I greeted Mr. Ford; at that point, I was coshed by the same. I sat, unconscious, on the ground, whilst Miss Poisonality took great care over garotting me. To add insult to already fatal injury, I was then finished off by a wind-up hamster that sang "Kung-Fu Fighting" whilst twirling a piece of plastic. Words like "shame", and "ignominy" don't quite do such a death justice. At this point Simon left.
To prove that I'm not in any way bitter toward Mr. Ford, I'd like to hold a mournful and respectful wake upon the moment of his death; to make this wake go with a swing, I'd like to give a peace-token of a pack of biscuits to whoever kills him. Poisonality, on the other hand, I don't blame at all.
If you can't even trust your own mafia members, who can you trust?
After a hard day of police orientated work I headed towards our college bar for the first pint of the evening. I was running a little late, and noticed loud screams of 'Brutus!' coming from a flashing cougar as I approached the bar. It took me a few moments to realise what was happening, but eventually I saw Simon Ford (with a silly disguise), a cosh, a dancing hamster with a stick, and a rabid dog.
I realised this was a golden opportunity to kill lots of people so I got out my kife, but then things started to go wrong. For some reason, I started thinking about shaving my legs, I couldn't help myself, and then suddenly my arm jolted downwards and with my own kife I sliced my left leg clean off. I didn't stop to pick it up, as I noticed Poisonality had appeared and was chasing me now. I bet this was her evil doings. Anyway, I hopped like a madman all the way home and locked my door.
I think my leg has grown back now ... hang on ... ooops no, I still can't stand up yet, I think Poisonality has got it in her room, can I have it back please?
If she returns it, then of course - if not, you may be hopping for a while...
At approximately 19.00 this evening, I turned myself in to the Police Authorities via e-mail. Sure enough, a SWAT firing squad turned up at my door.
Now, I had promised not to shoot them, grenade them or drop safes on them, but that didn't rule out my attempts to bomb them. With a 9L bomb on my door, I was perfectly placed to say "The door's open" when they turned up. "But I wouldn't use it if I were you" I added, under my breath.
And they didn't - the paranoid people that they are. But I had to meet my death in a dramatic way, so I opened the door myself - thus rendering the bomb useless. I led the SWAT team in and allowed them to line me up against my sink.
Blindfolded, I waited until, after a short countdown, the squad opened fire and I slumped to the ground. A picture of this is attached.
Following this, we declared an inaugural meeting of the Room-Storming Society, and the SWAT team proceeded to try to burst into my room, whilst an accomplice and I tried to hold them off. This was great fun, and hopefully could be added to a list of things to try next term - along with VIPs and roof battles etc.
The SWAT team should be commended for its rigour in bringing a known criminal to justice.
Hmmm... room storming society? Sounds like a laugh. Feel free to drop round sometime (having obviously given me enough warning to get everything properly loaded and positioned - otherwise you'll have to stand outside while I do so.)
Next up, we went to Tit Hall, to form the firing squad for PC Fish and Cripps. I had the misfortune to step on Mr Forster's grenade, blowing my leg off, but I was still just about able to take part in the execution, which was nice.
Vash: Finding ze incompetents scum not home, ve proceeded to see PC Fish and Cripps (zo he vos not in a Cripps court). Ve persuaded him to open ze door, and so ve vere not killed by ze bomb upon it, ve zen executed him by viring squad. It vos zoon after zis that ve heard a large "vang" - PC Trustworthy had done something very stupid - ze fool had stepped upon our handgrenade, detonatiing zit, losing a leg in ze process.
Officers: SWAT Executive Officer Oberstleutnant Herr Hans Örangen, Divisionschef Dschungelkriegsführung
Location: Chemistry Lecture Theatre 1
Date and Time: 9:57 Tuesday 5th March
Officers: SWAT Commanding Officer Generaloberst Herr Karl Vash, Wächter des geheiligten Sauerkrauts , SWAT Executive Officer Oberstleutnant Herr Hans Örangen, Divisionschef Dschungelkriegsführung, PC Trustworthy, also corrupt PC Fish and Cripps [executed]
Location: B10 Trinity Hall,
Date and Time: 21:40 Tuesday 5th March
Details: In the first incident SWAT XO Örangen met PC Fish and Cripps inside lectures and presented him with the option of giving himself up, leaving the lecture theatre and being executed, this option being refused SWAT XO Örangen waited to attempt to execute Michael Cripps as he left at the end of the lecture. Unfortunately the lecture theatre is not ideal for killing with 6 exits, large size and a large amounts of people leaving and arriving. SWAT XO Örangen observed PC Fish and Cripps leave by one exit and so quickly followed leaving by the next door exit suspecting a trick he waited a few seconds and failing to see Michael Cripps ran round and down to the lower level exits here again there was no sign of PC Fish and Cripps and as the time period was now large enough for him to have escaped, SWAT XO Örangen could not see him in the lecuture theatre and so went back to his seat.
Later in the evening an email conversation was held with PC Fish and Cripps
where again SWAT XO Örangen raised the suggestion that Michael Cripps give himself
up, this time with a tentative agreement from Michael Cripps to do so. A small SWAT
squad was assembled and went to PC Fish and Cripps' room. With the protection of shields
in case of treachery SWAT XO Örangen knocked and after refusing to enter
Michael Cripps room in case of bombs on the door persuaded PC Fish and Cripps to come out of his
room. PC Fish and Cripps then did this leaving via a friends room so as to avoid setting
off his own bomb on his door (as the team rightly suspected there was a
bomb - a nasty 'little' device with a blast radius of 9m) coming up (unarmed)
behind the SWAT team who had luckily anticipated this and aimed accordingly.
At this point the only (non corrupt) police injuries occured with PC
Trustworthy managing to blow up his own leg by stepping onto and setting off
a large grenade the team had brought which was lying on the floor with their
bags next to his feet.
On giving himself up PC Fish and Cripps admitted his guilt and so was arrested, charged
and sentenced to death. PC Fish and Cripps was taken to his room, blindfolded and a
firing squad assembled. On the count of three PC Fish and Cripps died
executed in a hail of bullets by SWAT Commanding Officer Generaloberst Herr
Karl Vash, Wächter des geheiligten Sauerkrauts , SWAT Executive Officer
Oberstleutnant Herr Hans Örangen, Divisionschef Dschungelkriegsführung, and
PC Trustworthy. To quote; "Very frankly he confessed his treasons,
Implored your Highness' pardon and set forth A deep repentance: nothing in
his life Became him like the leaving it; he died As one that had been
studied in his death To throw away the dearest thing he owed, As 'twere a
Inconspicuous was guilty of incompetence and also belonging to the EmMafia, who have taken my beloved pet lizard hostage and posted pictures of him under torture for everyone to see.
The Little Lizard Liberation Front and supporters Agent Orange and SWAT Support Officer and Mascot Impossibly Fluffy Innocent Killer Bunny of Doom (must get myself killed, writing all that out is becoming tiresome ;) went to lurk outside Inconspicuous's lecture theatre. Inconspicuous had a photo rather conspicuously on the web.... We were also on the lookout for anyone with a goatee.
He was late.
We walked up the road. Someone without a goatee was walking towards us. He turned at a cry of "Chris!". A brief discussion among the team followed, the conclusion being to kill him whoever he was.
He legged it.
He turned at bay, and many pellets were fired. An innocent stopped cycling as the road ahead was overwhelmed with crossfire. He danced and dodged as Orange fired rubber bands (should have lent him a spare pellet gun), I fired pellets and the Little Lizard Liberation Front unloaded two pellet guns at him and removed a rifle from his jacket.
The pitched battle ended as we got very confused as to what limbs were functioning, so unfortunately we were forced to let our prey go as nobody had a clue what had happened. He ran off very fast. We know what he looks like. We will return.
Cruelty to animals is not tolerated in this woman's city.
" This morning, I was (unintentionally) late for lectures. This may have
saved my life, as rather than being ambushed (inconspicuously), I
encountered my would-be assassins in open combat. Meandering down Pembroke Street, I saw a shifty threesome approaching
me. It was here I made my first mistake - I looked shiftily back at them
when they looked shiftily at me. Unfortunately, I failed to recognise
This morning, I was (unintentionally) late for lectures. This may have saved my life, as rather than being ambushed (inconspicuously), I encountered my would-be assassins in open combat.
Meandering down Pembroke Street, I saw a shifty threesome approaching me. It was here I made my first mistake - I looked shiftily back at them when they looked shiftily at me. Unfortunately, I failed to recogniseThe Little Lizard Liberation Front or SWAT Mascot Impossibly Fluffy Innocent Killer Bunny of Doom, and I'd never seen the third man before, or I may have been alerted to my danger. My second mistake was an appalling one. On hearing my name, I turned out of force of habit - oh how conspicuous of me. That was enough for them, and they drew weapons. I realised that probably they weren't just pleased to see me...
I then attempted to compete for the Yellow Streak award, but they were faster than me, and I turned to face them in Botolph Lane. Some relatively wild shooting followed, with myself ducking and weaving like a madman, while shooting at my assailants (TLLLF later helpfully pointed out that having the guns facing in slightly opposite directions is not conducive to accurate firing). I hit some part of TLLLF, and then felt a shot graze my ear. Calling that that had hit me (I apologise for this, in retrospect the fight should have continued), we entered a discussion phase. It was decided, on the balance of probability, that no-one had actually died. TLLLF's long legs caused a potential fatal stomach wound to merely remove a leg. The numb feeling in my left arm indicated I had been hit there, while slight tinnitus provided evidence that my ear was the only victim. We then departed in opposite directions. Rather rapidly.
Who can I send the psychiatrist's bill to, for the post-traumatic stress disorder counselling I'm sure to need?
The Little Lizard Liberation Front
After staking out the Inconspicuous Canteloupe's lectures in vain, Oberstleutnant Herr Hans Örangen, SWAT Mascot Impossibly Fluffy Innocent Killer Bunny of Doom and I were walking back along Pembroke street, when we suddenly passed by a person, who didn't have a goatee. At once the killer bunny wanted to go for his throat, but we were able to hold her back. Then we shouted his name, he turned around and looked suspicious, so we drew our guns and he ran. We caught up with him on Botolph Lane. He turned and fired, but didn't quite kill Oberstleutnant Herr Hans Örangen. After a brief exchange of fire, Inconspicuous dropped one gun and drew another. I used that moment to get out my assault rifle, shot one of his arms and removed one of his ears, while he hit my left leg. We are still all alive and I got some really weird looks when hopping back to my room on one leg. In hindsight we should have shot him right away for not having a goatee.
Officers: SWAT Executive Officer Oberstleutnant Herr Hans Örangen, Divisionschef Dschungelkriegsführung , Support Officer SWAT Mascot Impossibly Fluffy Innocent Killer Bunny of Doom , a mercenary from the Little Lizard Liberation Front
Location: junction between free school lane, St. Botolph's lane and Pembroke street.
Date and Time: 9:12, Wednesday 7th March
Details: The Little Lizard Liberation front and joined forces with supporters of the Donut-Munching Widows' Fund for The Protection Of Small Furry Animals and staked out the lectures of one Small Cantaloupe, when he did not turn up the ambush was abandoned and the team headed up Pembroke street towards Emma in the hope of meeting the target. A person matching the description the team had was soon seen and when the Little Lizard Liberation Front called out "Chris" he turned and stopped before turning to run, SWAT XO Örangen gave chase but before he caught up the Inconspicuous turned and fired, bullets narrowly missing SWAT XO Örangen. The rest of the team caught up and a heavy exchange of fire ensued, the Little Lizard Liberation Front received a leg wound and a bullet skimmed the hair of the Inconspicuous before injuries and lack of ammunition allowed the Inconspicuous to retreat to safety.
Officers: SWAT Commanding Officer Generaloberst Herr Karl Vash, Wächter des geheiligten Sauerkrauts, SWAT Executive Officer Oberstleutnant Herr Hans Örangen, Divisionschef Dschungelkriegsführung, PC Trustworthy
Location: Cripps Building, St Johns College
Date and Time: 15:20 Wednesday 6th March
Details: Ahh for the beauties of bare concrete unsullied by the taint of vegetation, a second such site is Cripps court St Johns a place spoilt only by highly visible grass pollution on either side. Again SWAT XO Örangen feels the call of such places and a desire to rid them of incompetents. A visit to Yak (unfortunately he was not in) last night revealed to SWAT XO Örangen a good location for a bomb and detonator. Assuming that the rather basic bombs set last night had been unsuccessful the SWAT team returned with a new and better bomb which was placed so as to be partly hidden lying on a beam above the door with a detonator between door and frame wedged high up on the door and connected to the bomb by a thin cotton 'wire', and a second detonator beneath the bomb. The bomb has a complex H2O (1 litre)/ air (0.75 litre balloon) explosive mix and is placed about 2m above the ground; the SWAT team take no responsibility for the mess that may result should the device be pulled off the shelf with string in any potential attempt by the target at achieving a controlled detonation. With SWAT CO Vash and PC Trustworthy guarding against the targets return SWAT XO Örangen carefully set the bomb. Unfortunately an 'innocent' neighbour of the target saw some of this set up process and was considered likely to report in to the target. As such a second very obvious self detonating balloon bomb was left against the door by way of a decoy. Results of bomb awaited; results on grass mild browning.
Today, at approximately three of the clock, Vash, Orange and I did venture into our favourite Cambridge locale, namely the Cripps building in John's. Furthermore, it was our favourite staircase, G. When arriving at the target room we, in time honoured fashion, knocked upon the door. When this elicited no reply, we do leave a most cunningly hidden bomb, which must surely terminate this most lazy of incompetents. As we were spotted by one of Yak's neighbours, we did also leave a secondary device, not in the slightest bit cunning, covered in contact poison, designed to confuse the issue. And then we did make our escape at a rather leisurely pace.
Agent Orange had a cunning plan. We left a very well hidden bomb on Yak's door. Comebody saw us there, so we left a baloon marked "bomb" coated in contact poison for him. If he manages to detonate that he deserves a darwin award. If the other one gets him, then I think Agant Orange can be proud.
OKay. The frist 2 bombs planted together were absolutly appaling. One was a ballon (1ltr) and a party popper attached to my door by sellotape. Removed sellotape, bomb diffused. The other was a 1.5 ltr bomb with one detonator underneath it. It wouldn't even have gone off if i had opened my door. Detonatede from a distance, behind a wall. My arm was useless for an hour, but i went to bed anyway. There was another bomb outside my door last night. This one was slightly more clever, as both the explosive and the detonator were hidden. The explosive was on a shelf aboke my neighbour's door, and the detonator was wedged between the door and door frame. When i opened the door the detonator snapped, but the cap was either missing or a dud. Even had it gone off, i am not convinced it would have killed me. The detonator was remotely attached by a piece of string, and was at least 1/2 a meter away from the explosive, with a door frame in the way. Could you please find some assassins to make some bombs that actually have a chance of killing me?
You heard the man...
Police Operation Evaluation:
Bomb appears to have been successful in so far as the concealed detonator and explosives working were not detected. The detonator was definitely armed with a cap so it would seem the cap must have been faulty. The detonator was connected by a fuse to the bomb and so would have detonated the main bomb had it gone off.
Reports obtained from the many supporters of the Little Lizard Liberation Front (LLLF) lead us to the conclusion that Christopher Howlett, a man known for his involvement in cruel animal experiments, would be walking along Sidgwick Avenue towards Selwyn around 6pm. Together with two more animal rights activists I set out to bring him to justice. He was spotted as he crossed Queen's Road and we carefully moved into positions around him. When one of us was in front of him, one on the other side of the road and I had arrived in a suitable position behind him, I shouted:"That's him! He doesn't have a goatee, shoot him!" He hesitated a moment, saw all of us drawing guns and then decided to defend himself, firing frantically at us. After a lot of shooting, the emptying of several guns, throwing of knives and dodging, the other LLLF activists had already hit one of his arms, when he eventually ran out of ammunition. Drawing another spare gun I closed in for the kill and hit him in the head. All those thinking of mistreating little animals, reconsider! The LLLF knows, where you live, what you look like, what subject you do, where your society meetings are, when you go to lectures and what dubious websites you look at.
Ah well, it has come to an end. Following this morning's traumatic
meeting outside lectures, I considered myself fairly safe for the rest of
the day - I was planning on being in two no-kill zones from 12:30 to 7.
Unfortunately, while travelling up Sidgwick Avenue in the 10 minutes I was
in neither location, I met
Ah well, it has come to an end. Following this morning's traumatic meeting outside lectures, I considered myself fairly safe for the rest of the day - I was planning on being in two no-kill zones from 12:30 to 7. Unfortunately, while travelling up Sidgwick Avenue in the 10 minutes I was in neither location, I metThe Little Lizard Liberation Front. Again.
Apparently, he and his 2 companions (Papa Lazarou and Sir Sven O'Bjornchester Samuel J. McHolzhauer Yirteen-blimps-ahoy! Wilson) had just been to see somebody, when they spotted me looking shifty at the traffic lights. I then spotted him looking shifty, and fell prey to the same error as before. I continued to look shifty. A cry of "That's him!" from The Little Lizard Liberation Front, and the world erupted in a hail of bullets.
For fully five minutes of pellets, rubber bands and throwing (pen)knives, I ducked and weaved among the bullets (also the bicycles and cars). One (bullet, that is) struck my left-hand weapon, rendering it useless and I discarded it. My shots again seemed worringly wayward. Must indulge in some target practice.
Finally, just as I had emptied my 8-shot clip and was about to resort to knife-work, a high-arcing pellet penetrated my skull, and removed a small portion of my brain. I had hoped that it would merely be the bit that contained my knowledge of Fluid Dynamics, but alas, it apparently contained detailed instructions on how to breathe. I collapsed, and perished.
I request my burial to be conducted inconspicuously by a priest ordained in the faith of the Most Holy Grocer. I also wish to point out that, despite this being my first game, I did survive three attempts by The Little Lizard Liberation Front - two direct encounters - and made it (so I am led to believe) to the last 10. I feel satisfied, and will rest peaceful in the afterlife. Adieu.
I am presently unable to comment on the number of remaining players, but most estimates put it between 3 and 20.
Frolicking through the city with Dave and Dave we paused to contemplate the beauty of the world. Then I heard a shout! "It's him!" yelled Dave, "Shoot him!" So we did. Although Dave (to his right) shot his arm he continued bravely, filling the air with millions (12) of bullets. Sadly since he was surrounded and outnumbered a million (3) to one he chose to acknowledge his defeat with a superbly executed "catching a bullet with the skull" manouvere, for which the he was awarded a million (8.96) points by a passing Olympic judge. Bravo!
A few years ago, in a cornflake factory not too far away, there was a cornflake called Harry. Harry was a very clever cornflake, and particularly ambitious.
Shortly after his birth (or cooking, or whatever they do in those factories), Harry found himself in the crush of cornflakes waiting to pass through the dispensing nozzle. "This will never do!" he thought, "I shouldn't be so far back in the queue." But Harry was such a clever cornflake that he pushed and squeezed his way through the crowd until he was right at the very front. What a clever cornflake Harry was!
The nozzle opened, and Harry fell into a plastic bag. But oh no! Harry was right at the front of the nozzle, so he fell to the very bottom of the bag. What a setback! But Harry was such a clever cornflake that he climbed his way through all the other cornflakes to reach the top of the bag. What a clever cornflake Harry was!
The bag was sealed and placed into a box labelled 'Cornflakes'. But oh dear, oh dear! The bag was placed into the box the other way up, so Harry was again at the very bottom. But Harry was such a clever cornflake that he once more climbed through all the other cornflakes to reach the top of the bag. What a clever cornflake Harry was!
Then Harry's box was placed with a load of others into a very large crate. Harry's box, however was at the very bottom. Disaster! But Harry was such a clever cornflake that he manoeuvred his box all the way to the very top of the crate. This feat you might think infeasible, but it just goes to show what a clever cornflake Harry was.
Well, I could continue to tell you the tale of Harry for really quite a long time, but this could be regarded as dangerous or even lethal for your sanity. So to cut an impressively long story short, Harry ended up in a bowl with quite a few other cornflakes, some milk and a sizeable quantity of salt.
"Salt?" I hear you ask. Well yes, salt, for this was no ordinary breakfast bowl. Nay, this bowl belonged to none other than Sir Sven O'Bjornchester Samuel J. McHolzhauer Yirteen-blimps-ahoy! Wilson (who was well known to consume hearty breakfasts before his killing for the day); as a German, he naturally enjoyed salting many foodstuffs, turning them from the bland to the ridiculous.
Anyway, Harry was first off the spoon into Sir Sven's mouth that day, the sixth of March, and thus was blessed as the first noble foodstuff to sacrifice itself to his nigh insatiable hunger.
Seventeen somewhat larger breakfasts later, interspersed with a few courses of lunch, Sir Sven was ready to face the terrors of Cambridge.
He went forth with his trusty jester, Papa Lazarou, and was soon trailed by a small battle force of animal activists calling themselves 'The Little Lizard Liberation Front'. This did little to improve his stealth, but Sir Sven was unruffled as he knew they would be most useful should danger rear its ugly head.
He travelled in the direction of Newnham, there to find a great Mistress of Evil, Simon James Ford, to the accompaniment of much chanting from the LLLF.
However, just a laden swallow's flight from his goal, he spotted a shifty-looking fellow at the traffic lights. Before long, the LLLF had also spotted him and, recognising him as a vile gaoler of little lizards, cried for assistance. Sir Sven and Papa Lazarou responded at once, retreating to a safe distance and drawing their weapons.
Many a projectile was loosed that day, but none found its target before Sir Sven's, which caught the villain's weapon. Promptly thereafter, a shot from Papa Lazarou's sling found its target's arm, then the LLLF finished the job with a glancing brick to the head.
Sir Sven had paused only once during the fight: upon noting a stray quarrel from the evil knight's crossbow pass between his legs, he felt compelled to soil his armour and hide 'round the corner for a few brief-changing moments.
Our mission to Newnham, alas, was a failure.
But 'twas not over until the lizard was freed its torment and returned to its rightful owner, whom I hear was most grateful to the Front that liberated it. And the Back, Bottom and Head too, I should imagine. Then, 'twas over.
I had always warned Ed that he shouldn't leave his window open. He did it again, so I demonstrated the error of his ways to him, but only hit his desklight.
I will never forget day, when I first calculate who be my assassin. Poisonality is veeery likely, probability is 6/7. I will also never forget how I meet her on King's College bridge on same day. I will not forget her scream, nor how she desperately ran or what a satisfying thunk my 7.62 mm SVD Dragunov makes when it hits. Then there was silence, the once blue and white flowers around us had turned red. Dying she whispers:"Why? I wasn't even your assassin." To this I know no answer. The only thing I know is that I'm going to be a bit wanted.
And who deserves the credit?
And who deserves the blame?
Nikolai Ivanovich Lobachevsky is his name! Oy!
And Nikolai Ivanovich Lobachvesky is his name! Oy!
Weather forecast for Eastern Anglia today: sudden drops in Holzhauer separation numbers predicted!
<*switch to camera #1*>
..."Welcome to BBC's Anthropological Wonders of the World. I'm Richard Attenborough and today we're observing a female assassin exiting Caius College, Cambridge. Ah, here we go... she has now made it from Tree Court to the p'lodge, checks both ways, ducks and runs for it - let's follow, quickly now, we're going to lose her... What's she up to now? Oh, hiding in a doorway. Very paranoid, wouldn't you say? She's not sporting her best camouflage colours either - seems to indicate a rather worrying lack of survival instincts. Surprisingly it seems that she has made it though, and is currently heading towards King's bridge. The danger seems to be over, judging by the way our assassin has taken her hand out of the bag. And now for commercials!"
<*cut to Masterpieces of Classical Persian Literature*>
When the life-taking foe comes in the rear
Fate ties the legs of a running man.
At the moment when the enemy has slowly arrived
It is useless to draw the mighty bow.
...There was an Evil Grin, and then there was nothing more.
And Nikolai Ivanovich Lobachvesky is indeed wanted. Maybe now the game can finish promptly...
- Stop press stop press stop press -
ALOHA! lawyers wish to make it known that the deceased has left her collection of Hawaiian shirts, Simon Ford's stale half-eaten cardboard biscuit and a spare pseudonym to whoever pulls off the most convincing imitation of Ann Widdecombe in the duel. As an extra incentive (as if you would need it) she thought about leaving Scott Boham's left leg as well, but unfortunately this was removed from the property this morning and sent back to whence it came, in exchange of further womanising and a sixpack of Vodka Source.
My spy network informed me of the whereabouts of the Incompetent PC Dreamer while I was having my lunch. Quickly leaving my chips uneaten, I grabbed my garrotte wire and proceeded to try and find her. As she wasn't where I had been told, however, having left almost simultaneously, I staked out her house in an attempt to stave off the brush of corruption for the third time.
She didn't return during the time I was outside however, but I left with a better knowledge of the surrounding area. Not a completely wasted 30 minutes, but it was close.
Officer: SWAT Executive Officer Oberstleutnant Herr Hans Örangen, Divisionschef Dschungelkriegsführung
Location: SWAT Office
Date and Time: 16:40, Thursday 7th March
A large group of police officers were maliciously targetted today receiving the following email attempting to get officers to enter a trap and ambush:
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: "B.Holzhauer" <email@example.com>
> To: "Jon Hogg" <firstname.lastname@example.org>
> Cc: <email@example.com>; <firstname.lastname@example.org>; <email@example.com>;
> <firstname.lastname@example.org>; <email@example.com>; "J.M. Chase" <firstname.lastname@example.org>
> Sent: Thursday, March 07, 2002 4:46 PM
> Subject: Collins
> > Anyone interested in going to kill Collins with me?
> > I've got lectures from around 10 to around 12 tomorrow and a
> > supervision in the afternoon, but we could have a go at him tonight or
> > tomorrow evening. We could meet in my room (Q16 Tree Court, Caius).
> > --Bjoern
The choice of meeting point seemed odd and dangerous to SWAT XO Örangen and when the second email was received;
----- Original Message -----
From: "B.Holzhauer" <email@example.com>
To: "T J Forster" <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Sent: Thursday, March 07, 2002 4:57 PM
Subject: Re: Collins
> Just come to my room around 6.30 with as many police officers as you can
The idea seemed so dangerous and suspicious that Örangen felt it imperative to check with various news agencies, other forces and Interpol to see if Bjoern Holzhauer had been made wanted. While the FBI's most wanted list and all websites checked remained quiet, a report came in from the Umpire News agency that a report was about to go up declaring Bjoern wanted. Orangen immediately attempted to contact the rest of the police force and forward this warning. It is hoped that all police officers planning to go on this 'raid' received this warning in time.
Sorry about the delay, I was still correlating reports at the point.
I have been killed by a bomb on Bjoern Holzhauer's door and I know it went off because it went "eeeuuurgh" about 7 times at me. This was at 20.22pm, and I had seen a note in Nikolai Ivanovich Lobachvesky's door about Bridge. I thought this was interesting as I play Bridge, so I thought it might involve me. I stepped closer to see who it was from and then I was killed. (I think)
It was signed from "Mark" and has a clever noise detection-type thing on and is still sitting there - though technically I have difused it I suppose.
At formal hall I noticed a suspicious character in a black suit, who was having red wine with his fish. Quite obviously I eliminated him as he was leaving hall.
I cycled all the way out to Girton in order to get rid of the most dangerous police officer. After a long cold journey of several hours, I finally arrived at the end of the world (otherwise known as Girton). I planted a bomb on her door.
It didn't get her.
I also contact poisoned Jenny's doorhandle.
That didn't kill her, either.
Last night I went to Formal Hall. This had bad effects on my awareness, and wine was consumed. I was therefore unaware of rapid developments (though not as rapid as might have been expected with Bjoern on the loose, curiously) in the Game.
I got an email suggesting that Bjoern Holzhauer was about to become wanted, but nothing was up on the webpage so I assumed that someone was trying to wind me up *again*. They have done that far too often to get me *again*.
PC Private knocked on my door when I was in bed. He explained that Nikolai Ivanovich Lobachvesky was wanted for murder. Slightly confused by various factors, I thanked him and he went away.
This has now been explained - it seems Nikolai Ivanovich Lobachvesky had chosen a particularly cunning location to hide in:
Sam knocked on Jenny's door, telling her about me being wanted. Had I been a bit more dressed I would have shot him for interrupting us.
...so now you know.
This morning, vaguely remembering incidents of last night (some assassin-related...) I opened my door behind my barricade. Hooray, it was useful, there was 2 litres of explosive attached to a cap detonator on it! It's signed "Simon Ford".
I'm still alive, and merely a little confused still. I deny being hungover as well.
When I had set up the bomb for Jenny, I noticed a note on her door from a different police officer. The note seemed to be about me, so I decided to kill him as well and bombed his door.
I opened the door to my Private room this morning, to hear a cardboard box fall over. A cap detonator tumbled onto the floor, cap still inside, unexploded. Suspecting contact poison and a second detonator, I moved the box with care. As far as I can tell without risking myself, neither was present. Whose shoddy work could this have been? The Private begins. The evidence:
1.) The Private one lives at Girton, so the assassin was pretty dedicated.
2.) Nikolai Ivanovich Lobachvesky is wanted. He could have been in Girton, going after Jenny.
3.) Large scribbled capitals on bomb: does Bjoern Holzhauer do this? Someone must know.
4.) Bomb was washing powder box. No sane man would ever use washing powder. It therefore must have been a psycopath.
I plan to return the compliment soon, but until I kill her the message is, "keep'em coming, no Privates hurt yet!" And remember, I'm going for the Kenny award!
After the long hop to beautiful parts of Cambridge, I realised my journey was pointless, as I crossed my leg on the way there. Thankfully this morning it turned up in a big box in the plodge. I'm attempting to fix it back on now.
My agents had informed me that my bombs from this morning didn't work, so I decided to kill the Girtonian police officers the old-fashioned way. I was waiting and waiting and waiting, when I finally spotted someone. He didn't have a goatee, so I shot PC Private. So far I have miserably failed to kill the SWAT Mascot, but I'll manage eventually.
I went to lectures feeling paranoid, looking over my shoulder evwery 5 seconds. When I came back I was more interested in the scenery - the preparations for the Faerie Tayle ball are well under way at Girton and the dodgems were being unloaded. On the other side of the staircase was a German psychopath, performing a magic trick with a hat. He performed another magic trick, pulling bullet out of gun, and my Holzhauer number went down. An innocent was unharmed in this incident.
After a fairly dull and paranoid stakeout of lectures this morning, it was time for yet another new SWAT team to make its debut this afternoon, as I met my colleagues from the Emma branch of the force, Chief Cath Een and Agent Wi Wikiwiki. Also present was the reliable CO, Agent Vash (I'm not even going to attempt the German!) We had seen on the website that a player had fallen foul of the honourable rules of the game, and was a valid target for us. We also noted that it was not the first time this game that this had happened. We determined that the removal of this blight on the pleasant scenery of Cambridge was necessary. So we made the long trek to Cripps Court, Johns, to the lair of this creature Yak. After discovering that he was not in, we shot at his window to scare him, and left him a contact poison note on his door (poisoned with Magic Jam–) cunningly disguised as a piece of paper for him to record his meter reading on. I can only hope that using his post-it notes and signing from "the meter man" won't have aroused his suspicions too much.
After a quick refreshment break at the CMS, we headed to New Hall, to Kirsty Andrew's room in case Yak was lurking in there, but again there was no response on the door. So we returned to Johns, noticed that his corridor looked suspiciously like it did earlier, and sat on the roof for a bit. We noticed that Jacob Collins's neighbour had a large bomb by his window, so we went for a "SWAT interrogation." In the interests of human rights, and our gentle, caring approach, one of us wasn't even holding a loaded gun up to his head while we fired questions (and only questions) at him. He didn't have any satisfactory answers, but we decided to take no further action against him. We wouldn't want to become corrupt or anything. Oh no.
So as we were heading off into the sunset, Chief Cath Een remembered that there was another wanted player on the list. We weren't sure if we could be bothered getting him, we were sure someone else would get him fairly soon, but we decided to knock on Bjorn's/Bjoerns/Björn's door just to show willing. And then run. Fast. Incidentally, there was a note for him on the door, supposedly from "Mark" to Bjorn about a bridge society meeting tonight, but the handwriting on the letter looked very familiar. "Enter my parlour" said the spider to the fly. I'd rather not, Mr. Holzhauer...
So I returned home after a gruelling afternoon's SWATting, and I discover that my reward for all my efforts is corruption! It may be a stormy weekend. I will see you all on the other side.
Someone posing as a 'meter man' tried to contact poison me today. on my door on my return was a note saying 'tried to read your meter. you weren't in. fill in form....'. There were several things wrong eith this. A) i don't know where my meter is, so i wouldn't have been able to do it. B) A 'meter man' would never call himself a meter man. C) The note was the top of a pad of writting paper. Not very convinsing. D) If it were the 'meter man' he would have a key from the porters.E) Our electricity in college is part of our rent. We do not pay it seperately, so there would never be a need for a 'meter man' to come to my room, he would just go to the central meter.
Aprasing all of this, i enter my otherwise disappointingly bomb-less door, got my street hockey stick, and suspecting a letter type bomb underneath, lifted the note. No explosion. Lifted it again, moved closer. What appeared to be jam was on the back. Nice idea, but more than a bit unfrofessional in execution.
There are far to many evil people still alive in the environs of Cambridge (including Girton), so as a fully trustworthy member of the police force, I decided that I should try and rectify the situation somewhat. So, I left my domicile at approximately 16.30, with the intention of lurking Yak. To increase the likely hood of success I left my less inconspicuous items of apparel at home, I feel that the FBI cap really doesn't assist the cause of stealth.
So, I made my way to G&P, and instead of going after Yak I stayed till closing, and then myself, Joe and an unnamed accomplice decided to go and visit Caius. First Bjoern, but he wasn't in. Word on the street has it that he wouldn't be, and this seems to help confirm other police intel as to his possible whereabouts. Next up was PC Incorruptible, but he was not in either. Ahhh well, maybe tomorrow.
While enjoying a nice evening in the library, I received the following
email message by one of my accomplices:
"2-4 people in Q staircase + J Hogg ni court now, trying to kill you."
A real shame I wasn't in at the time. I probably will be tomorrow.
Well, the CAttAC, Scott Boham and I went raiding yesterday. WE did go to find Yak he wasn't in Johns (2.5 hr ish lurk) he wasn't at new Hall. He still hadn't been to Johns later. So we went to knock on Bjoern's door. He wasn't home either.
Well later on, I went on another raid to get Yak. This time Me and cripps were visciously shot in the back by Generalfeldmarschall Herr Kolin Pöwell.
PC Michael B Good failed to live up to his name.
He went on a SWAT raid.
He was shot by the CoP.
Now he's dead.
Just to let you know i took advantage of my wantedness and shot one of my neighbours (Neill Smith) for being extrememly cocky. Probably not worth writing up, though, given what will probably be an eventful night.
PC Dove shot me (a helpless innocent) as he was leaving my room this evening (around 6 or 7 ish.) this was completely unprovoked, and he should be made more wanted than he already is. I reckon that I've died far to much this term. (5th time this one I think..). Why can't people just leave me alone?
I had an innocent visitor this morning who I introduced to Laocoon, my pet snake. I decided the two were getting on too well and so shot him.
I guess this was gratuitous violence, but it was rather satisfying (I believe the umpire will understand. Aftew all, histowy does wepeat itself)
Anyone remember Bonnie and Clyde?
Then the corpse's friend showed up and started playing with my RBG, the killer bread roll on my shelf was calling to me. I soon succumbed and added to the destruction.
Oh, and can I cangratulate innocent number 1 (as he would appear in the credits, were this a film) on his second walk-on appearance in the Game, despite the inherent unlikeliness of such.
I looked for Yak, alone. I need no assistance. He has escaped me, he has taunted me, I have blown up his girlfriends' bedder. I have shot him through the heart.
I sought him in John's Buttery, in which I saw a large group of known Baby Seal corpses and accomplices. I wished none of them very well, but out of decency I did not destroy them. I wish it to be known that although Mario has effectively removed the ties which bind police to good behaviour, I am not a random murderer and remain devoted to the ideal of peace by the end of the term.
I saw him beside me! Red mist! Red explosion as I draw and fire!
SWAT SO and Mascot Impossibly Fluffy Innocent Killer Bunny of Doom
"And who deserves the credit?
And who deserves the blame?
Nikolai Ivanovich Lobachevsky is his name! Oy!
And Nikolai Ivanovich Lobachvesky is his name! Oy!"
Well, actually this is only true in the general case, he had absolutely nothing to do with the death of Yak. He's welcome to come and see me, incidentally: I, like most of the police, would like to encounter him, and he seems to have been looking for me. He tends to be out a lot.
Myself and Special Constable Bulldog (mostly Dan) killed 78 poor souls in the Emma bar tonight. This was a Psychiatric Division operation - they were enjoying the very very poor RnB/Garage/Cheese. Well, the cheese wasn't sooooo bad. But the rest was. We had to put them out of their misery.
I went to the Emma bar extension and lo behold, the music was cheese. Being a diligent defender of all good music, I did then take it upon myself to draweth my noble core-key Knife and stabbeth no less than 78 or so irritating civilian personages. Witth the assistancesage of Edward "Cath Een" Clayton OBE MBE BSE CJD CattaC, of course. But I did lots of kniffing.
Dost I recall A Bounty of lots of biscuits per Emma Person killed? Weeellllll... pay up! I needn't visit Sainsbury's for months! Bourbon bounty! Woo-hoo!!1!!! (I think he's confused between Jack Daniels, and biscuits - Ed)
Citizens! Mark my words!
And so we get to the last remaing candidates for Noir, and now one final test to see whether they are ready, they must assassinate General Powell who is opposing us. go forth children of Soldats, the time of Le Grande retour grows near. For the ritual shall be carried out at The Manor (strangely known as Cripps Court Queens) a place outside of time. Then shall Noir return to this world, a pure blade to clense the land. But first we will need to offer them some incetive. We shall give them a contract to kill General Powell, who satnds in our way, worth a packet of Chocolate Hobnobs.
Originally its a word of destiny from the distant past.
Two maidens who govern death.
The warm black hands...
Please protect the green fields to tranquility"
As a protest against the CoP making good police wanted after reprimanding *us* for "behaving like a psycho mafia", I contact poisoned Jenny Hellfire's doorhandle. I doubt it will do any good as she's not there.
I hung around New Hall and Selwyn for a bit, decided I'm too hungover and went home.
As I was just finishing my lunch, at about 15.30 this afternoon, I recieved an urgent call for help from our respected CoP. Apparently there were some nasty corrupt police out to get him. I ran over to Chapel court, where my first victim was PC Michael B Good. There was then a long drawn out standoff as PC Ludlum locked himself in the kitchen and refused to come out for around an hour. During this standoff Agent Dove arrived, so I shot him as well.
Eventually, Ludlum decided to commit suicide so he could go home before Formal Hall tonight. I hope that this effort is enough to prove that I am in no way corrupt to anyone.
Upon resurrection, I quickly gathered a team of an élite agent to accompany me to bomb the CoP's door. Unfortunately, I don't think the bombs would have worked - but halfway through setting them up, PC Trustworthy turned up and shot me. He then proceeded to block PC Ludlum in the kitchen until Agent Dove turned up, at which point Dove was also shot. Ludlum commited suicide to avoid Ludlum, and then we all left the area.
Got the ng posting. Printed off information relevent to report (ie where the CoP's room was). Ran out of my room and down street. Stopped, ran back and got umbrella. Left again. Arrived at scene. Spotted Mario's room, ran past, got to door. Checked I wasn't in a line of fire, turned around to see PC Trustworthy (ha!) pointing a gun down a corridor, and a pistol at me. I began to wish i had either (a) unfurled my shield, or (b) unzipped even *one* of the pockets that contained my weaponry. Upon his enquiry I responded that i was Agent Dove. Alas! my previous tactic of looking so sweet, innocent and incompetant that I neither could nor would hurt a fly failed, and he shot me through the heart. He then enquired as to whether any other police would be arriving. I replied that a corpse tells no tales, at which he seemed distressed, and his girlfriend muttered somehting about "ask questions *first*, *then* shoot them". I agreed that this would improve the quality of answers. As my soul finally left this world it met the soul of a mike cripps, and he did advise me "shoot the ones with the guns....". Ah, yes. Well, there's always next game......Not that I'll be playing. Oh no. :)
PC Ludlum had joined the police force for the noblest of motives, to erase the dishonour brought upon his family by Robert Ludlum. He had always ignored Robert whenever he talked about corruption at the top levels of the police force. After all, Ludlum was a wanted criminal. Imagine PC Ludlum's dismay when he joined the police force only to be treacherously declared corrupt. Perhaps Robert wasn't so wrong after all... Mario had to be removed. PC Karl Marx attempted to organize a raid on Mario, but alas only Ludlum could join him. They proceeded to Jesus and proceeded to set up in the kitchen, while Mario remained unaware. Alas, Mario's neighbour's friend alerted Mario and Mario called for help. Someone (don't know who) arrived and proceeded to shoot PC Karl Marx with a long range pellet rifle. Apparently some of the police force remained corrupt to Mario. Heavily outranged and with Mario attempting to open his door PC Ludlum was trapped in the kitchen. Shots were exchanged but Ludlum could not enter the hall to fire on the corrupt police officer without exposing his back to Mario. Several futile exchanges of fire followed, no one was hit. Apparently another officer arrived to help Ludlum but was shot. Realizing he was trapped with little chance of taking anyone with him, Ludlum decided to deny both Mario and the corrupt officer a kill, PC Ludlum took the RBG that his brother Robert had left him and turned it on him self, and fired four times. Thus endith the saga of PC Ludlum, dead in an attempt to remove the corrupt CoP.
Agent Wages of Sin:
As I have cruelly been declared corrupt, there is nothing stopping me assisting in an attack against a live player, and Jenny Hellfire requested the pleasure of my company in removing her target Papa Lazarou this afternoon. So it was that we began staking out his staircase at 16.45, and had an exciting 45 minutes wait with not even innocents to shoot, although we did scare a couple. They seemed very used to strange people with guns hanging around this particular staircase. Anyway, at 17.30, some people came up the staircase, and entered a room on the floor below. We strained to hear some excerpts of their conversation, and we thought we heard incriminating comments such as "e/mail Tom" "Jenny" "kill" "Tom Garnett" and "Mario." Needless to say, we were a little disturbed at this, and after a quick change of underwear, this being Caius, we couldn't be sure that they were assassins, and returned to our stakeout of Papa Lazarou. With 15 minutes to go till the end of the game, I crept up to his door, and saw that his light was on. I then turned on the tap in his kitchen, hoping that he would come out and turn it off. Jenny Hellfire was in the original stakeout position on the floor above. As I was leaving his kitchen, and returning to the side of my trusty, if incompetent friend, his door opened. I, not being legally allowed to kill him, speeded out of the kitchen, and frantically waved at Abi to shoot. She shot wildly, and he suddenly yelped with surprise, and as water and rubber bands hailed down on him, he retreated into his room faster than you could say "Look! It's Bjorn Holzaaaaaaargh!" This may have been because his only weapon was a bottle of milk. We politely asked him if we had shot him, but he denied the kill, and we decided to leave fortress Caius before his friends popped round for afternoon tea.
So we nearly took out last term's winner-he seemed a little complacent. And we survived an hour in fortress Caius. At 6.01pm, we were walking across Selwyn gardens, and I emptied a CPS into her. How satisfying. Pity the SWAT team never got round to it. The duel awaits. The Wages Of Sin have been paid...
With only an hour and a quarter of game remaining and the constant incompetence jibes of an upstanding (and corrupt "only in a technical sense") member of our police force wearing just a little thin, strange things start to seem like a good idea. And so it was that Agent Wages of Sin and myself entered the lion's den that is Caius. We decided to stake out Papa Lazarou's room, from a location picked by my associate on his recent intelligence mission. And so stood on the staircase overlooking his kitchen: watching, waiting, freaking out the neighbours and generally passing the time.
Time passed. A group of people entered the staircase. Their conversation may or may not (depending on the quality of our hearing and our levels of paranoia) have included the words "kill," "Jenny," "Garnett," "Mario" and "assassin." Not wanting to be caught unawares by the resident mafia, we inched closer to investigate, keeping a wary eye on the both Papa Lazarou's door and the one from which the conversation was emanating. The investigation proved inconclusive so we decided to concentrate our original goal and continued waiting.
After a while, Wages of Sin went down into Papa Lazarou's kitchen to make his tap drip, in an attempt to annoy him to death and/or encourage him to come out and turn it off. He was in the kitchen quite a while and when he finally emerged was gesturing to me that Papa Lazarou was finally emerging. I took aim and waited for a better shot, Papa Lazarou got closer, closer.....closer. Further away. Damn! I took a shot at him, which narrowly missed. He yelped pleasingly and disappeared behind his door, beset by heavy gunfire. I cursed my moment's hesitation with a hearty "Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!".
Aware that it wouldn't be long before we were calling "Look! It's Bjorn Holzaaaaaaargh!" we left Caius as fast as our little legs could carry us. Whilst walking back through Selwyn gardens, Ric stepped back, pointed his gun at me and pulled the trigger. What trechery! And yet deadly bullets did not rip through my flesh, instead I was hit by a harmless jet of water. For it was a minuite after six. I was alive and competent, if slightly damp.
Oh and Jenny's attempt at contact poisoning my door didn't work, since I didn't get back 'til after 6 and by then the poison had dried enough for me not to even notice it. conversation at formal: "Abi, I'm sorry about the contact poison" "sorry?" "I contact poisoned your door" "Did you?" -and it continued in much the same vein.
Biscuits biscuits biscuits...
we needed them badly, so someone had to die.
X marked the spot for poor Agent WI Wikiwiki, whose fridge-flattened remains still decorate the ground floor of my staircase.
I was walking with Simon Ford towards Newnham when we guessed drinking a lot before the formal hall would be a good idea. He instructed me to buy some wine, so I did. Upon reaching PC Bureaucrat's staircase, I noticed an X on the floor. 'Hmm, what's this' I thought. But then it was too late. The fridge was on top of me.
I later found out, as a zombie, that this was Simon Ford's evil plan. We then didn't have six bottles of wine between us, then we didn't drink them all, then we didn't swap clothes.
Oh, and I think Päivi Pasi is owed some biscuits by some people. Just a minor point.
ALOHA! did a little spring cleaning and decided that there was some dead wood in the organisation. In particular, it was felt that Agent WI Wikiwiki had more than outlived his usefulness. The game almost over, the fact he had a biscuit bounty on his head made his death a very profitable venture. So it was that I set Scott Boham up in Newnham, causing him to pause just long enough over the X that marked the spot, for my associate PC Bureaucrat to drop a fridge on his noggin. This Womanising Incompetent's time had come to a messy end, but his death means I'll have some biscuits to nourish me when I head to my Pacific island hideaway for advanced coconut throwing practice.
The Self Styled Brutus Award Nominee and Nephew of the Caius Senior Tutor,
Simon bin Ford
An hour before the Formal Hall, the duel truce was declared. The following six made it, of the 140 players who began:
Ben Cummings ('Al "Quiche-eater"'), who killed 1, and survived many, many attempts on his life by the SWAT team. Appropriately, he was incompetent at the end, although only for 2 hours.
Bjoern Holzhauer ('Ma Baker', 'Guitar Dave shot his target and neighbour Bjoern Holzhauer (Ma Baker), then he', 'Styx', 'James Jekyll', 'Agent WI Kiwikiwi', 'The Little Lizard Liberation Front', 'The upright citizen Bjoern Holzhauer', 'Nikolai Ivanovich Lobachvesky'), who killed 15, rampaged (slightly) twice, machinated furiously, and thoroughly corrupted Jenny Chase.
Matthew Laycock ('Papa Lazarou'), who killed 1, and went remarkably unnoticed for the rest of the game.
Ralph Owen ('Sir Sven O'Bjornchester Samuel J. McHolzhauer Yirteen-blimps-ahoy! Wilson', 'Someone'), killed 2, wrote some very good reports, and generally tried to avoid getting involved too much. Nearly killed the SWAT team by accident.
Simon Ford ('Simon Ford', 'The Wrong Trousers'), killed 1, managed to get quite a few more backstabbed, but generally tried to stay well out of things.
Abigail Baker ('Jenny Hellfire'), didn't kill anyone, but managed rather well nonetheless, the only first-time player in the duel.
The duel is to take place on Thursday, but owing to the nature of the event, large crowds of spectators would be inappropriate. ]
Produced at Sat Mar 16 22:59:37 2002