Lent 2002 Game News - week 4

Saturday, 16 February

[13:10pm] Al "Quiche-eater" met Johannes Nordström (NSA 4g3n7 Jeff K)

Oh dear, in an uncharacteristic moment of public-spiritedness I seem to have shot Johannes Nordström, thereby ridding the police force of fully half of its corrupt element.

Occasionally a great degree of planning and preparation actually pays off with reward, for instance six officers of the law might take it upon themselves to hunt incompetents with an overwhelming arsenal of weapons, or there might be many many attempts on the life of Matthew Lohse.

Unfortunately, planned efforts such as these rarely bear the fruit of their labours, and it is left to cruel fate to determine the winners and losers in this game of death.

For instance, around midday I decided to head toward brunch, and on a last-minute whim, armed myself as I left. After checking my pigeonhole, who should I meet entering the mailroom but that most nefarious and careless killer, Mr Nordstrum. Indeed his eyes bulged with surprise and fear, he began to stutter something about truces and was silenced by the report of my .45 as the first bullet entered his sternum, collected his right lung, and used it to paint an impressionist smear on the stone archway behind him. The second bullet was just for fun, and lodged itself somewhere in his lower jaw after ricochetting off the thorax. I smiled, reasonably satisfied with my service to innocents bearing a slight possible resemblence to me everywhere. But 'twas not over til the mailroom door swung closeward, pinning the corpse into a grotesque pose between the jarring oak. Then 'twas over.

My hevey waeponry qas off no ues wehn I accedentaly rann into teh Quche Eatar fagorts and he drawed quickar then me leeving teh wold a lamor plaes.

[17:30pm] Marwood Bramwell left another box for Omega

While talking in my room with several friends, one, more or fewer of whom are baby seals, there was a knock on the door. And low and behold a box from G and P, although this time with dedications from numerous mafiae and Marwood's bunnkyins. The box was carved up, as per usual, although this time the contents were a little more interesting - a model head and neck of the OCLO (wide eyes, bemused expression and a little nose reminding me much of my pet rabbit).

Although one of those present was very taken by the head, and wants it for her room, I will return it to G and P at the end of the game. In the mean time, can I please register it as a weapon - so it can be used to nut someone, having the same effect as a good coshing but really scaring anyone not in the know...


Hmm, clothes manikins now being legal weapons. I really really want to see Jenny go shopping...

[17:40pm] General Colin Powell led (yet) another unsuccessful raid on Robert Ludlum

5:40: Someone knocks at my door and then I hear multiple people running away. Normally I would have been worried but I had already heard someone doing something relatively quietly outside my door which I chose to ignore. I slowly went to see what had happened to my view hole this time-- blue so someone was creative. I noticed a large box. Allow me to relate following events in a disjointed manner.
541: Return to desk, type some more, develop a plan.
542: Think some more
544: Assemble various items into a makeshift rope.
546: Attach rope to door, open door from far side of room. No explosion results.
547: Look through open door, see large box. Read markings on box. Laugh. Realize exactly the mindset of people who left the box.
548: Attach rope to box, move safe distance away.
550: Using rope, tip box over, no explosion.
551: Return rope to room, break into separate components. Consider how else it could kill me. Notice lack of contact poison. Notice that lid seems to have partially opened during fall.
553: Notice that lip appears safe to open. Notice someone walking by. Say hi. Reject the ensure it is defused by throwing down the stairs method.
600: Having ensured box is not a bomb using methods that will remain secret so I can stay alive, find large plastic head in box. Laugh.

620: box and packing materials were destroyed. The plastic head remains, status TBD. Leave for a curry.

640: Sees post by Mr. Hogg. Decides not to answer so SWAT team must wait in suspense. Alas, did not like it. Will return it to yet to be determined member of SWAT team. Also wishes to inform Mr. Hogg that he is wrong about the amount of lectures I attend.

Later that evening.... Someone from Corpus went by my room to see if I was in. Meets two heavily armed people from the police force. Nearly gets shot. Informs them that I had been at a curry but my location unknown at the present. Informs Mario that he thought the CoP was a woman (a misconception he got from PC Shunt, not myself). Mario informs him of certain changes but refrains from killing an innocent. After spending some time at a pub he finds me and reports said incident.

Elsewhere in Cambridge about the same time.. Robert Ludlum checks his email, replies to several. Learns that OCLO may be in possession of photo of himself. Learns that PC Shunt would have provided much information to OCLO had Shunt lived but one hour more. Leans hours later that OCLO fears email reply came from my room and means that I am dead (Wishes to inform the OCLO that her fears were indeed unfounded, and I did not encounter the SWAT team as I did not return to my room when sending emails. I am indeed alive and quite well so you needn't worry.). Decides it might be wise to make sure everyone is aware of reward for the death of the OCLO, one bottle of Corpus Label White Wine (or red if you prefer but it is not that good, other wine types are also possible within reason). Also will publicize the award of 400g of biscuits offered for information leading to the death of Matt Lohse or for just killing him offered by OCLO. Proceeds to enjoy a showing of the film PCU. Develops reason to fear that a dead PC Shunt may compromise additional photos of so-called "Matt Lohse". Worries greatly about this. Decides that it is irrelevant as much of SWAT team will meet our hero in person tomorrow. Has not yet decided who of the SWAT team shall receive their gift back.

Eventually returns to room. SWAT team has apparently gotten tired and left. Submits report.

[18:00pm] PC Dove shot and bombed PC Hawks, without killing her

PC Dove and PC Dreamer (+ two accomplaices) did enter Trinity, find the target's room and put bluetack on the spy hole in the door. Accidently PC Dove knocked on PC Hawks's door, and to our dismay she did answer. Two quick shots later and the door was shut again, and Yu Liu had a severely mauled right arm. Quickly putting up Dreamer's shield PC Dove proceeded to engage Yu in conversation in an effort to prevent her from calling for backup. He would like to tell her that the enthusiastic assassin who called on her repeatedly in the first week was in fact him in a previous life. And if the bomb works he would be delighted to accept her invitation of a cup of tea tomorrow.
PC Dreamer proceeded to plant the cunningly designed bomb with no less than three fake detonators. The bomb was constructed with two dud party poppers, one on the top and one concealed behind the notice both of which were attached to the door handle with cotton. The notice itself concealed another fake detonator, with the real detonator placed underneath the bomb. This is an almost identical set up to the bomb which procured the target a prestigious nomination for the Darwin Award. The question is, will lightning strike in the same place twice?

Another bottle of cheap wine...but no death this time! Due to a week of intense work I suddenly find myself this morning on the imcompentent police list...however the discovery didn't have quite the same effect as it should for I remained as careless as ever and opened my door this afternoon at about six to an assassin (over-eager, to be fair) who before I fully opened the door shot me on the arm with an elastic band gun. At this point I shut the door and thus prevented myself from mortal injury...
However my pursuer was not so easily discouraged. Blocking my spyhole with blu-tack, while rambling on about general nonsense outside my door he planted a bomb. Fortunately a friend came by soon afterwards and warned me of the danger. Once I was outside we thought very carefully about defusing the bomb...we have experience now...
First cushion the bomb and then sticking a very long piece(>1.65, the blast radius) of sellotape to the bottle/bomb, we pulled the tape so the bottle fell down without smashing and setting off the detonator with us all unscathed. Mwha ha...

So, at least for now, I'm still alive, and reasonably happy.

[20:57pm] The Small Canteloupe killed 13 armed innocents

A Reading from the book of the Canteloupe, Chapter 7.
'1And the Canteloupe, although slightly tired of his current writing style, decided to continue it for sake of artistic integrity. 2And he didst also go to the Emma bar on the 47thday of the year, and didst meet a large contingent of drunken revellers. 3And multiple of these revellers were holding guns of myriad varieties. 4And the Canteloupe didst gun them down, totalling thirteen in number. 5And the Canteloupe didst later learn of a similar purge by
PC Cath Een, and he did rejoice that a kindred spirit was aiding him in his quest to purge the earth of confusing non-players. 6And lo, he was full pleased with the score of bodies lying in Emma bar, 7and cared not that his biblical-style verses were losing something of their coherency.'
Here ends the 6th lesson.

[21:30pm] PC Cath Een removed a large but nonexistant threat - 7 armed innocents

It appeared that the Emma bar had become the scene of a vast assault of gangsters tonight, and many were wandering around clearly bearing cap-guns, pointing and firing them at the crowd in a threatening manner. I therefore had no choice but to eliminate these monsters. It turned out that they had just had a formal hall, but that was obviously no excuse, and could in fact have just been a clever ploy to try and confuse me. Anyway, they're all dead now. I shot 6 of them and stabbed the last.

Sunday, 17 February

[09:30am] General Colin Powell led some more people to visit Robert Ludlum again

Due to information posted on the newsgroup by the CoP, where he said "8:47 [referring to a post of mine on the newsgroup]? So we didn't even wake you up? Oh for ****'s sake.", I assume that Mario (and others since he said we and not I) decided to ring my room this morning. I have no idea why, perhaps the can submit a useful report. I shall not count this as an attempt on me. Has the Police Force adopted the motto of the South Park Police force.. "To pester and annoy"?

[13:00pm] Penguin didn't blow up Snapdragon

I was roaming around Jesus looking for someone satanic to blow up. Unfortunately his big gun scared me off. So I decided to leave my bomb with Snapdragon. I fear his proximity to the surgery may not be enough, although extreme paranioa might.

I was returning from my sports practice (further info withheld) at approx 15.00 this afternoon, when what should I see but a fairly hefty bomb planted on my door. So, doing what any competent assassin would do, I checked it carefully for contact poison, and then attached a piece of string that was longer than four metres to the bomb. I retreated to the end of the string, and pulled. BANG. So then I went into my room, donned my gloves, and carefully transferred the ex-bomb into a carrier bag.

[13:58pm] Robert Ludlum sprang Sam Blackburn (PC Private Investigator)'s ambush, from behind

For the usual fee, plus expenses, I was hired by the OCLO today to assist in bringing down Robert Ludlum. This crook had to pay for his crimes. I cycled to the Corpus boathouse with Avada and went up on the balcony with a CPS 1200. As I was setting it up Matthew Lohse appeared behind me from mowhere and pumped my back full of rubber bands. As I fell to the floor, the last thing I saw was him leaning over the balcony and killing Avada. And then it faded to black.

[13:58pm] Robert Ludlum then gunned down Jenny Chase (Organised Crime Liason Officer Avada)

A SWAT team hastily assembled by myself, consisting of PC Private Investigator, Special Agent Vash and Inspector Morse arrived at Corpus boathouses, where Robert Ludlum was said to be going rowing. The CoP and myself had already spent a rather fruitless hour that morning lurking for him around and about, but apparently he had been tipped off by corrupt sources. It appears that all sources relating to Ludlum were a little corrupt, except the one which led to the incidents of this afternoon.

The SWAT team were hampered by not being able to identify Mr Ludlum, and as the nominal leader I had to take the risk. I sent PC Private Investigator up to the balcony with a CPS 1200 and asked the group of Corpus people assembled whether Mr Ludlum would be arriving.

At this point a figure, looking somewhat unlike our photos of the target, reached the other end of the balcony. A few meaningful clicks, a bullet through my head, and I died with the satisfaction of him identified to the rest of my efficient team.

Apparently PC Private Investigator hadn't quite pumped up the CPS, so he too was shot very rapidly. A standoff was then observed with interest by the innocent rowers, who included the corpses of PC Shunt and PC Phoenix Rebjoern.

Special Agent Vash, however, rushed the stairs furthest from where Matthew Lohse was cowering with a medium-sized machine gun. Inspector Morse attacked from below. Vash took out Ludlum's arm with the machine-gun, and as he cowered behind a pillar firing back with an RBG hit him again, fatally. Inspector Morse shot his corpse as it fell.

The SWAT team may have made sacrifices in the apprehension of this criminal, but the dead cops laid down their lives proudly and without regret to make this city safer.

[13:58pm] Agent Vash took down Matthew Lohse (Robert Ludlum)

Matthew Lohse today made the mistake of only taking one gun to his college boathouse.

It was not his only final mistake...

...Having recieved intelligence from members of Corpus who wanted Robert Ludlum DEAD, or whom were merely sick of the large numbers of gun wielding physcopaths(the SWAT team) constantly camping outside their doors, that he was a rower, and was rowing at 14:00, we proceeded to meet up at the Corpus boathouse.

So, four members of the SWAT team arrived. Two "Light Fire support officers", one footsoldier, and the CO, Jenny and proceeded to set up positions.

One "Light fire support Officer" proceeded up to the balcony to set up a gun emplacment. Unfortunatly he was ambushed from behind by Robert Ludlum, who then proceeded to fire downwards, hitting our esteemed OCLO on the head.

Traumatised by the preceding action, at the sounds of gun fire, Agent Vash and Inspector Morse proceeded to retreat a few metres out of range of Matthew Lohse's weaponry, where they got out the weaponry which was hard to conceal except in their backpacks.

They then apporached Matthew Lohse's position. Inspector Morse proceeded to the bottom of the staircase where Matthew Lohse was standing, using his shield for cover. Meanwhile, Agent Vash did proceed up the stairs at the far end of the boathouse, which Matthew Lohse made the mistake of not covering (though if he did, Morse would have come up the other ones) He then found that his pitful pistol was severly outranged by the assault cannon and sniper pistol that Agent Vash was using.

As usual, death resulted from several bullet holes.

So ends the tale of Dr. Kimble.

And the report of Inspector Morse:

.-.. ..- -.. .-.. ..- -- / -.- .. .-.. .-.. . -.. --..-- / .--. -.-. / .--. .-. .. ...- .- - . / .. -. ...- . ... - .. --. .- - --- .-. / .- -. -.. / --- -.-. .-.. --- / .--- . -. -. -.-- / .----. -- .- .-. .-- --- --- -.. ... / -... ..- -. -. -.-- .----. / -.-. .... .- ... . / .- .-.. ... --- / -.- .. .-.. .-.. . -.. .-.-.-

Police Report

Officers: Inspector Morse, OCLO Avada (dead), Agent Vash, PC Private Investigator (dead)

Location: Corpus Christi Boathouse

Time and Date: 13.58 Sunday 17th February

Details: Following new (and reliable) information abtained last night on the SWAT raid on Robert Ludlum, Ludlum's movements toady became known in particular his prescence in a rowing outing at 14.00. i the liught of this Information a Plan was formulated and OCLO Avada led a SWAT team against the target. Arriving at corpus boathouse the team assembled and considered the situation, the obvious method of executing Robert Ludlum was to use a sniper on the boathouse balcony and to this end PC Private Investigator armed with a very powerful water gun was sent up onto th balcony. At this point it became clear that Robert Ludlum was already present as a figure ran up the other staircase, pulled out a RBG and emptied it into PC private invetigator before he could respond. He then firied down from the balcony at OCLO Avada, Inspector Morse and Agent Vash below him. Vash and Morse were unhurt but this volley of fire unfortunately hit and killed the OCLO. Morse retreated out of range to assemble a riot shield and headed for one staircase whilst Agent Vash climbed the nearer staircase opening fire on and killing Robert Ludlum with a pellet gun.

It all began with the Barling Incident. The Barling Incident. Really, now, calling it an ďIncident&lquot; really trivializes the whole situation. Robert Ludlum never should have gotten involved, of course, but at that point he still was an optimist. He realized the danger in the situation but saw a fleeting opportunity to prevent disaster. So he took action and in the process set off a chain of events that not even he fully understood. In the end, of course, it worked out, the ďIncident&lquot; passed. Ludlumís actions produced stability in a region that had appeared on the Brink. Except that in the process, Ludlum made enemies. Faced with their anger, even after his success, he left to pursue the quite life in Cambridge. And so life went on and Ludlum settled into a relaxing routine as a student. But then they called, saying they had another task for him. His time in Cambridge hadnít changed the fact that he was burnt-out and cynical after Barling. Even so, you didnít turn down their requests so he agreed. Fate, it seems, had it out for Ludlum as they asked him to take out targets possibly related to the Emmafia and the Caius Mafia. Sure, mafias donít exist and not everyone in a college belongs to a mafiaÖ but doubt still lingered in Ludlumís mind.

So he did nothing, absolutely nothing for a week. They called him incompetent, however, and he decided to take action. A different incompetent was gunned down. A cop, eager to kill Mr. Ludlum soon met a similar fate. An innocent who chose the wrong side in this battle met his death at the hands of Ludlum. And then, nothing. He did nothing for the better part of a week except for causing the deaths of numerous other innocents. And they did nothing.

No one really knows why the Police Force and the SWAT team waited so long to take action. Oh sure, they complained about him living in a fortress but this was a poor excuse at best. Perhaps the corruption that seems to infest the Police Force played a part. But eventually they did come for him. A SWAT team showed up at Ludlumís door, expecting him to open it and die. But Ludlum decided not to play their game. He became what they dreamed of becomingÖ a wanted assassin who was just plain lazy. He didnít rampage. He didnít even attempt to clear his name. He was even hard to motivate to kill innocents. When SWAT came for him, he didnít open the door. And it scared them. They saw this and recoiled in terror, vowing to eliminate him whatever the cost. And they tried, how they tried.

They came back a few hours later, but he didnít open the door. They recruited several more police officers at Corpus and he shot one. They returned again, and he was out. They returned yet again, well you get the picture. They waited outside the building and yet didnít see him. They realized that they knew nothing about him including what he looked like, so they started to dig. And their sources began to die. One dared to send in a report containing a detailed description and died even before Ludlum could get to him. Another died just one hour before receiving an email asking for information. They started waiting by his door, but he didnít show up. They questioned his neighbors but they didnít help. They tried visiting his room to catch him before he left for lectures but he had left more than an hour earlier. One informant revealed that he went out to dinner and they waited. They waited for 3 hours but he did not return, because he suspected that they were waiting for him. They looked for photos of him on the web, and were lied to by those they asked to confirm if it was Ludlum. They received a completely inaccurate description of him. They started covering his spy hole several times a day. Kobra tried to enlist the aid of yet another person and was betrayed. He didnít even get to wake Ludlum up. They left a plastic head in a box for him, and he returned it the next day. Who knows what else they tried, how long they spent? They put a price on his head, they emailed him, and they tried to mess with his mind. And he laughed at it all.

But one source paid off, they got a place and a time. In this their hour of triumph, however, they made one mistake. Kobra revealed this information to one of his sources and from this source Ludlum learned of their plot. And Ludlum thought. He decided to take only one RBG and some extra ammo. He could have gone much more heavily armed, but it would have been difficult to conceal, and that would have been bad because they still didnít know what he looked like.

So he got to the boathouse well in advance and he waited. He enjoyed the sunshine and the gentle breeze as he sat and waited. He noticed a few suspicious people standing around, watching the various crews, but he did nothing. He noticed that all of them had backpacks and yet were not dressed for rowing. And he waited. For he knew what they did not know and what they did not know would ensure his safety, and yet he knew that something must be done or someone from Corpus would give him away. But he waited, and a fourth officer showed up. He would have guessed it anyways, but the Girton jacket removed all doubt that this was the OCLO. But he waited. And they waited, ever looking and still clueless that he knew what they did not. Four versus one, only 15 rubber bands, but Ludlum possessed the element of surprise. They didnít seem to think he was there and might even have though he was unaware of their intentions. Growing impatient they decided to act. One of their number began moving towards the stairs, and Ludlum faced a choice. Surrender the high ground and try to bluff his way through their efforts to flush him out or attack before they were ready. Old instincts took over, he started moving. He casually walked to the second set of stairs and ascended to the balcony. Why would a male be bent down opening his backpack in front of the ladies restroom? Perhaps removing a CPS? All caution aside, Ludlum rushed across the balcony and shot this unknown and unimportant supporting character in the back twice. And they did not notice. He then turned and saw the OCLO talking to other members of the Corpus crew and he opened fire. His first two shots missed but the third was a headshot. Ludlum took a second to decide what type of wine he would purchase as the reward for eliminating her in addition to the nice gifts the kind people of the Binford mafia would soon be providing. But they noticed. And then Ludlum made a mistake. While reloading, he neglected to arm himself with the CPS sitting ever so temptingly on the balcony. It probably didnít matter, had he survived this encounter they just would have tried for him again with even more officers and even more guns. He knew he was trapped. Two versus one when the one is outgunned and outranged can only go one way. But he fought on. He returned fire at the officer advancing across the balcony but the RBG did not have the necessary range. Their fire hit his arm, but he shifted the RBG to the other hand. He needed to buy a few more seconds until the other officer was on the stairs so he could charge down the stairs. Alas, he waited a second too long. He turned to charge the officer advancing up the stairs but the officer on the balcony hit him. Suddenly his arm felt heavy, he could not raise his gun. He saw the other officer shoot him and then as his body crumpled he laughed to himself at the response one lazy assassin had managed to provoke from the SWAT team.

Thus ends the long and humorous saga of Robert Ludlum.

[21:25pm] Flash Cougar garotted Christine Twite (Elegant and under 40)

Yesterday, at about 9:25 pm, I went to the house of my goods friend Christine Twite. Having cunningly secured entrance by asking to be let in, I then asked for a glass of water to quench my thirst asfter my long journey. As she turned around to get it- I garotted her.

Bish bosh, job's a good 'un.

I am sad to announce I was garotted around 9pm on Sunday night by my good friend Mr Elegant and under 40 as I turned to my sink to kindly procure him a glass of water.I am now most definitely dead.

[22:30pm] Agent Innocent kicked off with Liam McClean (Jeffery "Jeff" GeoffjeffetyJeff)

The newly resurrected Innocent reports:

Oh, another dragging myself out of the grave incident, the effect on my fingernails is terrifying, but all appears to be functioning so I joined the SWAT team, with special guest Bjoern Holzhauer (his treatment is going very well) on a wander. Also present were Special Agent Vash, the CoP and PC Incorruptible.

We went to Downing. I'd previously found the door codes, but it was hanging open. I was delegated to knocking on the door because I am a) female (therefore it is reasoned they are less likely to be suspicious and b) expendable. It was open, though, so I walked in and shot Liam McClean. I would have done it in lectures yesterday had he turned up.

Then we went to Selwyn I staircase. I knocked on the doors of the incompetent police while the others guarded my back and Bjoern Holzhauer took the stairs with a rifle. Nobody appeared to be home. Some neighbours came out to question us, and the CoP gave the order to retreat because it was all suspicious. I held the drunken neighbours at gunpoint for a bit before we got all our people out and scarpered.

We couldn't get into New Hall and were wet and cold so went home.

In order to make a citizen's arrest of some incompetents by means of reasonable force (heavy machine-gun) I joined the SWAT team on their way to Downing. I decided to introduce myself as Bjoern Holzhauer to strike fear into the hearts of those opposing the police. However no special weapons or tactics were needed for killing Liam McClean, as his door was open. He was already dead before the entire team had entered the corridor.

Captain Vash, Keeper of the Hallowed Doughnut reports:

After leaving a certain room in Jesus, we proceeded to go to Downing, accompanied by somebody claiming to be "Bjoern". There we summirarily executed an incompetent. Following that we went to Selwyn, where we practised a tactical withdrawal having found nobody home (apparently). we thing we may have seen a player, but they retreated after having noticed that a heavily armed SWAT team was in the building. Following that we went to New Hall, where we were defeated by a fiendish device known only as a "card reader".

Monday, 18 February

[10:00am] Simon James Ford didn't blow up the corpse of Elegant and under 40

Some fan mail for Christine Twite, just to show we haven't forgotten about her.

On Monday I recieved a letter bomb in my pidgeon hole, however it did not kill me, I saw it before it triggered, and at this time I was already dead anyway.

[12:00pm] Deirdre McCloskey encountered Kirsty Andrew (Sophie)

I had many plans to kill Kirsty such as calling her, meet her with an excuse and kill her, inviting her to a dinner and kill her, etc...

What was my surprise when that incompetetent assassin, popped up, just in front of me, between two lectures...

A rapid shot and she died.

Nobody seemed to care, occupied as they were by their studies.

Ok, after playing assassins all term and having no noticable attempts on my life, I get killed three times in the same day.

1) (my actual official death) I was in the lecture block at the Sidgewick site, walking up the stairs to lecture room 4 for a fascinating philosophy lecture. Coming towrds me I saw Deirdre McCloskey, my comedy ******* aquaintance from *****. "Kiiiiirsty", he greeted me. I thought that that would be the end of our encounter, but then, to my horror, he pulled out a little green water pistol and shot me. I didn't twig that he was playing assassins (he's the kind of guy who might pretend to shoot you just for fun anyway) so I carried on to my lecture. However, the more I thought about it, the more likely it seemed that I was atually dead. So that was my genuine death.

[13:00pm] Phoenix stabbed the corpse of Sophie some more

Damnations, me thinks i am dead. i killed the incompetent Kirsty Andrew as we did walk from our lectures. I returned a book she had kindly lent me for an essay, and then visciously stabbed her, she exclaimed oh no!

Feeling some slight guilt at killing my friend, i made the mistake of hanging arround to apologise and explain that it was only out of desperation, since i was about to be made incompetent...ahh how i haved payed the price for my folly. A shadowy figure appeared out of nowhere, stabbed me in the back and revelled in the speed with which he had avenged Sophie's death....

Argggg....the wound in my side cries out for medical attention, but no-one cares: even my colleague Kal has gone to a lecture rather than keep me company during these last brief minutes in this world. oh a shadow is passing across my eyes, all dark and comfortless! Damn, ive got blood on the carpet...

As i look into the long dark tunnel of my inevitable demise, i stop to ponder briefly on the fact that maybe since i was not brandishing a weapon, the shadowy figure was a bit out of line killing me...i know it is too late to save my sorry soul, there is no salvation for a devilish assassin like me...

Arg.. urgg.. my blood is seeping into the keyboard...ah! damn you all, i shall not repent even now! a plague on both (or possibly all) your houses! my life is forfeit and i must walk the cold cruel path alone, unguided by revalatory religion and without any munchies.

Kal if you ever bother to read this...where the bloody hell are you when i need you?...ugg.

RIP Phoenix

2) So then I went to the lecture, managed to pay attention in the middle part, then as I was leaving I saw a 'friend' of mine, in fact my supervision partner. We chatted about books etc. andthen as i was leaving she said "I'm sorry, but I've got to..." and took out a knife and stabbed me, quite close to the heart. However, a fellow baby seal who was with me at the time hten in turn stabbed her with his own remarkably similar knife, thus avenging my non-death. Tee hee.

[13:00pm] Yak took out his frustration on Lara Crow (Phoenix)

On the way into lectures Deirdre McCloskey shot my girlfriend Sophie. Before i knew what was happening he legged it. After the lecture her corpse was defiled by Phoenix brandishing an evil looking knife. Now with a target against who to vent my rage, i viciously stabbed her. Now she's dead. Revenge will be taken on the original evil perpetrater of my bloved Sophie's brutal murder!

Beware - i know where you live (a reward of a pack of bourbons has been posted by me on his head or any other part of his body you happen to cut off...)

[13:30pm] Agent Innocent didn't blow up the corpse of Sophie

i like being alive i can hunt people again.

kirsty andrews hadn't left her door open so my master plan for killing her didn't work. i had to leave her some explosive and a detonator instead. it's a good thing really as i think she has a gun and i don't shoot people with guns very well.

yours ever, in whatever incarnation,

agent innocent

3) Upon returning to college I found outside my room a 'bomb'. However, I was most confused by this bomb. It was nothing but a two litre bottle of water with a note taped to it saying something like "this is a bom, blast radius 4.3 metres, any queries etc.... Please report soon, I want to know if you enjoyed it". But what was it supposed to do? It was just a scruffy bottle of water. There was no banging or exploding or anything like that, just a bottle of water standing outside my door. All I can think of was that it was disabled by my cleaner (who hates me with a concealed passion, but thats another story) sa luckily/unluckily she cleans my room on a monday morning at 9.30ish. But as I didn't get home until bout 1.30, I was faced with nothing but a bottle of water. unless once I taste it it turns out to be spiced or something. But I didn't get that impression. Plus I've died before that anyway.

[13:51pm] James Jekyll made a non-non-attempt on Snapdragon

Neglecting to eat my hearty sunday brunch, I delivered another message to Snapdragon, and what should be found inside this Trojan Horse, but some contact poison!

Went to check my post this morning, saw another suspect package. Went to lectures, had some lunch, removed package from pigeon hole with the aid of a piece of string. Examined while wearing gloves. Actually found some poison. Didn't die, still refuse to commit suicide

[17:00pm] Hylas the Nymph Pimp came calling for PC Hamburgler

I was in Burrell's Fields, so i decided to pay one corrupt policeman a visit. I rang, waited for 5 minutes. Nothing. Rang again, prepared my conversation, and still nothing. I'll think i'll come around again tomorrow. Be paranoid.

[19:45pm] Chief Inspector Morse, Head of the Telegraph Directorate thwarted in his attempt on PC Hawks

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Police Report:
Officer: Chief Inspector Morse, Head of the Telegraph Directorate
Location: Outside room E2, Wolfson Biulding, Trinity College, Cambridge
Date and Time: 19:45 Monday 18th February
Details: In an effort to purge the force of incompetents Morse planned to visit PC Hawks. Easily finding and accessing the wolfson biulding he heade up to room E2, brought out shield and gun and attempted an attack. The first move was to try the direct approach. Morse grabbed the door handle and attempted to push open the door unfortuanately it was locked but the possibility that it was latched was considered worth investigating. Morse then knocked on the door and introduced himself to the target she refusede to open her door and Morse agreed to leave as he left (temporarily) he thought he heard her talking on the phone to bring in some reinforcments he retreated to the staircase dropped down a few levels and waited gun ready sure enough he met somone coming up however he saw she was unarmed and so refrained from shooting, she enaged Morse in conversation and fearing he was being delibverately delayed Morse headed on down then turned round and slowly headed back up again. On regaining the correct level morse found a good observation position and set out to wait. After a reasonable wait morse considered leaving and setting up a bomb but hearing the voice of an 'innocent' also in the room he refrained and decided to wait until the innocent wanted to leave and the door opened. The plan was good and after about 8 minutes he heard steps approching the door he readied his gun grabbed his shield and prepared to shoot but held back so as not to murder the 'innocent'. The 'innocent' quickly and unsuspectingly emerged revealing herself as the girl from the stairs however as soon as she saw Morse she began to slam shut the door behind her. Morse jumped forward and attempted to push open the door before it closed but the girl from the stairs was too quick pulling it shut. Morse then questioned the stairs girl to find that as he had suspected from theior stairway conversation that she was an assassin- in fact the corpse of
PC Esra Ym Drofnib. The dead appear to be walking tonight and interfeering in the affairs of the living, there is only one thing to do in these circumstances- kill the zombie. Morse drew his gun and shot the zombie further mutilating the corpse who he then accompanied downstairs his cover having been blown. After leaving the prescence of the living dead Morse once more ascended th stairs to lurk outside E2 however a neighbour again blew his cover innocently saying hello and thus revealing Morses prescence. Once more Morse met the corpse of PC Esra Ym Drofnib who appeared to again wish to enter her freinds room realoising this was impossible in the circumstances Morse and the corpse left together. The case remains open and Morse will return.


Note to fellow officers; my bullet in the corpses back and Throwing star appeared to have no affect on the corpse, investigation has revealed that apparently shooting in the head is the only way to kill zombies, I intend to (safely) attempt this should further interference occur from the corpse.

Tuesday, 19 February

[09:50am] An Abelian Grape wasn't early enough to catch The Fluffy Pufferfish

I woke up this morning, with joy in my heart and a spring in my step. Then I noticed that it was still about seven o'clock, so I went back to bed.

I woke up again this morning, feeling like crap, realising I had but twenty minutes until lectures began. I quickly dressed, bathed and removed all the festive remnants that barred my exit and made my way southwards towards the town and the wonderful New Museums site. On my way, however, a thought struck me. I feel like doing something stupid. So I went and tried to get myself killed.

The nearest player of any skill was that renowned The Fluffy Pufferfish. I stealthily entered the college and made my way to her door. There I drew my weapons, knocked on her door and informed the world of my intentions. No reply. I tried once more. No reply. This vexed me somewhat. I had always been led to believe that it was far easier to die than this. I slid my calling card (of instant death) under the door and left, downhearted.

I returned from a lecture this morning to hear someone had been a-knocking on my door. On being denied access a meningitis warning card was posted under the door. It was strangely fragrant for a medical notice, and on further inspection proved to be covered in some form of sticky substance which I can only hope is toothpaste. Needless to say, it was picked up with gloves and disposed of safely. The note bore the inscription "Only the good die young. An Abelian Grape". Having survived the attempt, I can only assume I've been too naughty.

As you may be aware, this does not count as a good attempt for the purposes of remaining competent. Nor will similar attempts.

[12:50pm] Chief Inspector Morse, Head of the Telegraph Directorate didn't bring justice to PC Hawks

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Police Report;
Officer: Chief Inspector Morse
Location: E2, Wolfson Building, Trinity College, Cambridge
Time and Date: 12:50, Tuesday 19th February
Details: In an effort to end the case of the incompetent necromancer, Morse once more set out for trinity where he staked out the targets room. Unfortunately his target was out and didn't return whilst he was there nor did she appear to be at her dead friends room. Morse obtained useful intelligence in the target but sadly failed to see her. The case remains open Morse will be back.

[14:00pm] An Abelian Grape didn't find PC Hawks

After this morning's sorry attempt at an attempt, I ventured out once more in search of prey. First point of call, the incompetent PC Hawks. Unfortunately, there was no answer at the door, and I had inadvertently forgotten all my indirect fun-making apparatus. I was forced to leave, heading onwards towards Caius and the source of my earlier dissappointment, The Fluffy Pufferfish. Although the board proclaimed "IN", it was not to be. I left a non-threatening note and vanished into the afternoon.

Fluffy dahling, could you give me an appointment please? I'm not a fan of indirect methods and you don't seem to visit your room very often.

[14:19pm] Bjoern Holzhauer killed David Chow (PC Hamburgler)

With the help of a German secret agent codenamed Peter, I managed to apprehend the corrupt police officer PC Hamburgler. My contacts had informed me that he would be going to New Court around 2.15 pm, so we waited for him near the gate. He was a bit late, but eventually he came cycling towards us. When he had nearly gone past us, I stepped out of my cover and opened fire. He attempted to draw a gun, while at the same time trying to cycle faster, but neither gun nor speed could save him as my speeding bullets found their mark.

I've been incredibly paranoid since being made wanted: leaving at least 30 minutes early for lectures (and actually turning up on time for a change), hiding in computer rooms and libraries and toilets, walking in town only under the cover of darkness, not answering doorbells, avoiding Sainsbury's, avoiding hall, .... But after 6 days on the run, it was all getting a bit too much. One slice of bread left in the fridge (the horrible bit on the end as well), no milk, nothing substantial other than a few packs of biscuits (which I'm trying to get rid of) - a visit to Sainsbury's was unavoidable, possibly even a visit to McDonald's. I also needed to see my tutor's secretary to sign some silly form, so, deciding it would be safest to go by bike, I sneeked out of the fortress, known as Burrell's Field.

Arriving at Trinity, just next to the bikes stands a dodgy character with a large coat, Bjoern Holzhauer. I attempted to get out my weapon without success, so I claimed to be cycling fast. Unfortunately they have these silly rules about not being allowed to cycle through college, so I had to stop. Bang.

I have warned people that attacking those cycling fast, and unaware of you, is a breach of common sense, not that it will invalidate the kill...

In the afterlife, my tutor's secretary suggested that I apply for a grant of £100 for the purchase of biscuits.

[14:40pm] James Jekyll made a non-non-non-attempt on Snapdragon

Would he finally commit suicide there would be much dancing and rejoicing in the streets of Honolulu.

Checked post today, another box. Dealt with in normal manner. Threw box in bin. Bored of this now. 200g Bourbon Creams to whoever kills the assassin known as James Jekyll, just because these non-non-attempts could get really tedious really fast.

[17:00pm] The Wrong Trousers left assorted explosives for Elton the dancing crocodile

Having gone from plain old contact poison to pigeonhole bombs, Wallace was feeling inventive. The failure of the Malteser bomb had not deterred him, but he felt that perhaps it was a little unsubtle. Unfortunately, subtlety is not Wallace's strong point, and he decided that a packet of liquorice allsorts would suffice as cover. I have my doubts, but the motion sensor circuit he attached beneath the packet was ingenious. When finished, he jumped up in delight "That's sure to deal with Feathers McGraw or any of his agents!" He entrusted it to me, and instructed me to deliver it to Elton the dancing crocodile, one of the agents of the Feathered One. I did as told and in his pigeonhole the bomb now lies in wait.

I've now had chance to thouroughly 'examine' the device. There was bag of liquorice allsorts, with a suspicious lump on the bottom. I could see now obvious means of detonation, the only clue as to what its design was what my untrained eye thought was a capacitor. Deciding that its explosion was inevitable I attached a nice long piece of string to it, and left the plodge. I was about 5 metres away, on the other side of a nice big door when I pulled the device from my hole. Looking though the window I would see the device on the floor. I cautiously entered to hear a beeping noise. Since I was well clear of the blast this obviously had no affect but to annoy me with its high pitched whining.

I picked up the device (wearing rubber gloves of course!) and noticed that it appeared to be some kind of tilt sesitive device, 'caus it stopped beeping depending how I held it! There was a note attached that pointed out that it was indeed a bomb, and claimed the sweets were safe.

Own up, you filthy scoundrel, you scum of the earth you!

Since The Wrong Trousers also told me that the sweets were safe, they have no harmful properties, tobasco or not...

[17:55pm] Captain Vash, Keeper of the Hallowed Doughnut was thwarted by the black magic of PC Hawks

3 people who admitted to having been players mysteriously appeared outside the door of one Yu Liu (not the name that the college authorities know her by, at least on the nameboards).

She signs her email 'Sue'

I was called for backup when a corpse alerted her to the fact that Tom Forster was lurking outside...

...And so it was that in the land called Trinity, Chief Inspector Morse was waiting in ambush to take PC Hawks to see her Fate. When through some unatural acts of dark magic (do Trinitarians really sell their souls to the devil?) that a zombie did appear, and did inform Yu Liu that there was an assassin lurking outside her door. She could not see this as the SWAT team had deployed their cunning anti-spyhole weaponry.

And so it was that a medium weapons team was deployed to cover her door and staircase during the lurk. And thenst did several more zombies appear as if from nowhere. and they did look upon the SWAT squad with much awe for the size of weaponry arrayed against them. Then the zombies left, however they kept returning, as if their magic needed renewed through a computer terminal running ICQ, and at one stage Isobel Hooper didst knock upon the door of our target, and didst say "The answer to your question is Yes, but they may disappear soon." And so it was that in order to understand the new threat, the SWAT team did conduct an experiment and leave a bomb with no detonator outside of her door, hiding in the kitchen.

And thus didst they see the corpse which went and inspected the bomb, and the hastily rushed away target whom left via another exit to the place, and thus did they retreat, in order to report what they had seen.

And the hallowed doughnut did appear to them and it didst say "It shall be your holy mission Chief Inspector Morse to rid the world of this blight upon its existence, and render qll her foul deeds undone, and return the natural order of life and doughnuts.

-. . -.-. .-. --- -- .- -. -.-. -.-- / .- - / - .-. .. -. .. - -.-- --..-- / -.-. .- .-.. .-.. .. -. --. / .- .-.. .-.. / --- ..-. ..-. .. -.-. . .-. --..-- / -.-. .- .-.. .-.. .. -. --. / .- .-.. .-.. / --- ..-. ..-. .. -.-. . .-. ... --..-- / - .... . / -.. . .- -.. / .- .-. . / .-- .- .-.. -.- .. -. --. / --.. --- -- -... .. . ... / ... - .- .-.. -.- / - .... . / -.-. --- .-. .-. .. -.. --- .-. ... / --- ..-. / - .-. .. -. .. - -.-- --..-- / .--. -.-. / .... .- .-- -.- ... / .. ... / .- .-. -- . -.. / .- -. -.. / .--. .-. --- - . -.-. - . -.. / -... -.-- / .... . .-. / -.. . .- -.. / ..-. .-. . .. -. -.. ... / ... .... --- ..- .-.. -.. / .- / .-.. .. --. .... - -. .. -. --. / .-. --- -.. / -... . / .. -. ... - .- .-.. .-.. . -.. / --- -. / .... . .-. / -.. --- --- .-. ..--..

Police Report:
Officers: Chief Inspector Morse and Captain Vash
Location: E2, Wolfson Building, Trinity College, Cambridge
Date and Time: 17.55 Tuesday 19th February
In a second attempt today to eliminate Incompetent PC Hawks, Morse crept up to the targets room where he began a stakeout outside her door. The presence of others in the targets room suggested that eventually she would have to open her door and conversation suggested that target had no idea of Morse's presence, however soon she did. A friend of PC Hawks came up to the room door saw Morse and knocked on the door saying "I probably shouldn't say this but there's an assassin outside your door trying to kill you" surprise, this friend turned out to be the corpse of
Isobel Hooper (Honourable Bluebottle the Third) alerting her friend to Morse's presence. Morse having had his cover blown at this point mutilated the corpse in front of him with a shot from his gun then proceeded to alert reinforcements in the form of Captain Vash. What a surprise when the corpse of Hannah Burton (formerly PC esra ym drofnib) also turned up on the scene to observe. Hatching a plan to use a fake bomb to get Yu Liu out Morse called Vash to the scene and then proceeded to set up what would have been a two litre bomb had it not deliberately lacked a detonator. Throughout this period Morse and Vash were regularly spied on by Hannah Burton's corpse who reported to her friend that she could still not leave safely. After Hannah had left for the fourth time Morse planted the 'bomb' pretended to leave then waited in a nearby gyp room. At this point events become slightly confused (Morse was hiding out of sight of the doorway at this point) someone as we had suspected came up the stairs and went to the targets room, the door was opened and at this signal Morse and Vash ran out to see an asian girl and friends running for the lift which they entered before Morse could reach them he and Vash then raced down the stairs to try to catch the target as she emerged from the lift, she did not however go to the bottom floor or the lift was very fast either way Morse and Vash lost her, however they met up with the suspicious character who had ascended the stairs just before the door was opened he seemed reluctant to reveal whether or not he was or had been an assassin but in the end claimed to be the corpse of one 'Scarab' - yet another zombie in this land of the living dead- is PC Hawks specialising in Necromancy and not maths perhaps. Someone still seemed to be in the targets room but they wouldn't answer the door and the police presence in the area being comprehensively blown the operation was terminated. The case remains open and further action will be taken.

Yu Liu has recieved a really final warning about Necromancy, and will be thunderbolted next time it happens.

Wednesday, 20 February

[00:00am] General Colin Powell forced to demote Agent Innocent

It recently came to my attention that Agent Innocent had, during the course of a 'selective removal' mission deep in New Hall territory, made use of non-standard issue explosive devices resulting in the death of a bedder. A court-martial was imposed upon her, and the following verdict was finally reached:

Thus it was decided that Agent Innocent would be stripped of her rank, and reassigned to a task better suited to her skills and abilities, and where no futher harm can be done to innocent civilians.

"Agent Innocent" has been demoted to "SWAT Team's Cheerleader-in-Chief Innocent".


Richard M. Nixon

[09:50am] Chief Inspector Morse, Head of the Telegraph Directorate led an unsuccessful ambush on PC Hawks

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Police Report:
Officers: Chief Cath Een, Chief Inspector Morse, Captain Vash, Agent Innocent
Location; [information withheld for security reasons]
Time; 9:50-10:05
Details: A small SWAT squad was assembled with the aim of getting PC Hawks on her way to lectures. Unfortunately although the ambush was set up identification of the suspect on the limited information known of her appearance proved difficult and several individuals passed through who might potentially have been Hawks. With no positive ID the police refrained from firing at potential innocents and were eventually forced to end the ambush by the need to reach lectures themselves. The case remains open.

[11:00am] An Abelian Grape stabbed Rosemary Warner (The Blue Scream of Death, Sir Svoen O'Bjoernchoester Samuel J. Mc Hoelzhauer Yirteen-blimps-ahoy! Wilsoen, The Fluffy Pufferfish)

Victory is in the air tonight. It makes a Seal want to slap his flippers together and balance a ball on his nose.

This morning I set out to kill Rosemary Warner. Fortunately I failed, as the Magic Joke Shop was closed and poor ickle old me was all out of caps. A few hours later, having obtained caps from a dubious Libyan arms dealer (Omega), I armed my letter bomb and proceeded to Caius, fearing for my life as every random passer-by became an incompetent-basher in my eyes. I used all my cunning and subterfuge to gain access to the Caius pigeonholes, deploying my package with the air of a seasoned professional. I then left, stealthily, watching the eyes of every Caian.

All this was in vain, however, as I stabbed her in the back while walking out the main gate. Charming girl. Complimented me on the smell of my contact poison.

The corpse formerly known as the esteemed, feared and spiky Fluffy Pufferfish made contact with a small medium today to deliver the following message:

"Treading gaily on my way to see what the mailman had in store for me on this fine (er, ok, slightly rainy morning), I was brutally yet quickly and efficiently stabbed in the back as I walked through the porters' lodge. As my eyes closed and everything went black my assassin informed me it had been a chance meeting of a sort- he was on his way back from planting a bomb in my pigeonhole."

In further conversation with the medium, the Pufferfish expressed her heartfelt apologies for her part in the misunderstanding involving the late Axeman of Choice. She liked to consider herself an honourable and upstanding assassin, and is sure that her mental aberration caused by the loss of a friend so early on is firmly in the past, and should the Pufferfish rise again there will be no repeat of these events. She believes that, for the most part, her successful reintegration into society was due to the care in the community policy operated in a very personal, caring way by Chief Avada and later the OCLO.

Fluffy had one small grievance to take to the grave (or at least, the cold floor of the porters' lodge) with her. She killed Clarity (Chris Wood of Caius) last week, who had a price on his head of two packets of biscuits. (Here) Sadly, Fluffy did not live long enough to claim her rightful reward. Her family and friends, however, are vehement that dues be paid, and to be honest, would actually quite like some biscuits.

The Fluffy Pufferfish faded from contact with the small medium with a message of good wishes to all the assassins remaining alive.

[15:30pm] James Jekyll made a non-non-non-non-attempt on Snapdragon

I've now gone from plain old contact poison to pigeonhole bombs. I feel that perhaps using the same type of package as in my previous attempts is a little unsubtle, but subtlety is not my strong point. The primed bomb now lies in wait in Snapdragon's letterbox. I hope that all remaining assassins remain on the right side of the law, and turn from the lure of the 200g of bourbon creams that he has offered for my death.

Checked post this morning, nothing. Checked again after lectures, another one of the all too familiar packages had magically appeared. Got around to dealing with it at about 15.30. Went for usualy removal method, but it was held in by a drawing pin. Pulled hard on string, nothing happened. Removed drawing pin when package was hanging out of pigeon hole. Pulled on string again. Nothing happened. Threw packet away.

[16:30pm] Papa Lazarou left an Interesting Bomb for Elton the dancing crocodile

My pet is orange, my pet is wiry,
Elton die in fire most firey.
And if my bomb he does not trip,
May his fingers, in my poison, dip.
Be he alive or be he dead,
This croc will share my bridal bed.

I just defused a bomb on my door. Quite a professional affair, but I'm still happily safe!

It consisted of a box with lots of coloured wires sticking out tied to my door handle by a piece of string. The string was blatantly nothing special, so this was cut. I then used my long bit of string (tm) to bounce it around my corridor a bit from the safety of my kitchen. No bangs were heard. Tempting as the wires were I decided to look inside. The lid of the box was far to obvious, so I went in through the side, while wearing gloves. There was quite a mess inside, with chalk dust (and several pieces of chalk!) and a mushed up banana (this might have been a whole banana once, I did give it quite a bashing!). I can only presume these were various poisons, but I was wearing gloves. I could soon deduce that half of the wires sticking out simply connected to the banana, so these, and all the explosive were removed. This left a small box taped to the inside of the box, and rather strangely, a mirror! The remaining wires went into this box.

I very cautiously began to cut the tape surrounding this and peeked inside. I could see some kind of spring contraption pushing outwards, so ceased cutting tape lest I disturb this. To detonate the detonator safely I took it back out into the corridor, and placed a small book on top of this arrangement. I cut the tape so that the only thing holding the spring in place was the book. A swift tug on my long bit of string (tm) dislodged the book from a safe distance detonating the cap.

Further investigation of the device showed no more threat!

Am I competent yet, or do I have to slaughter the swat team that is on the way? ;)

Can anyone lend me a CPS? I left mine at home this term...

[17:00pm] Styx didn't manage to bomb An Abelian Grape

This afternoon a group of upright citizens and police officers went to visit the incompetent An Abelian Grape. After taking up suitable positions, a bomb was placed on the incompetent's door by a police officer, then selfsame law enforcer knocked on the door and retreated towards the stairwell.

Then we waited, waited, waited and waited.

We were about to leave the staircase, when we suddenly heard the bomb going off. We returned to investigate, but came to the conclusion that it was probably due to a malfunction of the bomb, as we didn't find any body parts lying about.

I've been informed by my neighbour that someone laid a bomb outside my door earlier today, but that it was detonated before I returned, possibly by the person laying it. Whatever happened, the bomb had mysteriously vanished by the time I got back from my questing.

[17:30pm] Jenny Hellfire and asociates failed to kill Kal and two other occupants of the same staircase

Jenny Hellfire:

The Baby Seals decided today that the prospect of three incompetents on one corridor of Selwyn was too good an opportunity to miss, so we organised a little excursion. On arriving at our targets' corridor we came upon one of his neighbours who greeted us with a loud and cheery "Hi there!......Are you assassins?" Our weapons had been spotted, so there was no point denying it.

When he had been duly warned, Tim Blanchard shut and locked his door, observing that we'd have to leave sometime. We pointed out that we had supplies and could wait, we were even kind enough to offer to share a (killer) bread roll with him, if he'd come out, but to no avail.

We were trying to shake off the neighbour and attend to the other targets, when David Rufino emerged from his door, saw us and with an "I'm off then" turned back into his room.

Two more room doors locked and we decided to leave, planting Baby Seals' Imaginary Bombs (TM) on our way out.

Realizing it'd take something more concrete than miming to actually get rid of the incompetents, we pooled ingredients to construct a bomb. There was only one problem: No detonator. Not to be perturbed, we constructed the bomb with a fake detonator and covered it with contact poison. With any luck, Kal will be dead before he notices what's missing.

An Abelian Grape:

This fine afternoon, myself, Omega and Jenny Hellfire decided to go incompetent bashing. Our target was that nefarious den of iniquity, I staircase Selwyn, legendary home of The Incompetent Posse. Unfortunately, our plan was foiled by a neighbour, who loudly proclaimed "So, are you guys assassins then?" as we arrived on the landing. Cue the sound of three doors locking rather quickly. We pretended to leave bombs and then fled into the night.

A few minutes later, we returned with a contact-poisoned Bomb-a-like (tm). This was left outside the door of Kal by the lovely Jenny Hellfire.


Myself and two of my associates decided we would go to Selwyn to get rid of the incompetent scum that is there, and for some reason hasn't been removed by the policemen there (including one that lives next door...)

We arrive in I staircase and climb the stairs. Then we climb some more. Then we climb some more. Then, well you get the idea. It's a big thing for us, you ever tried climbing stairs with flippers. We then reach their floor, but decide to keep climbing just because it's fun. Discover it's as much fun on the way down as well.

We then assemble on their floor. I notice that the shower partner of one of our targets has their door open and is working. Resisting the temptation to dive in and through the shower, we stealthily creep past. The seal is a remarkable animal but isn't designed for stealth, especially when carrying enough armament to wipe out that corridor (checked this figure with Tom) - Eh? I only used an RBG and a pellet gun, plus another RBG for Jenny - the other four weapons never got used. - . So the neighbour spotted us, and brightly said "Oh, you're assassins then. Tim, some assassins here to see you". I feel this was where our master plan started to go wrong. We had a discussion with Tim, the offer of finest bread rolls was not enough to tempt him out. We then turned round to see David Rufino, who said "I'll be going now" and disappeared back into his room.

We decided to make the noise of leaving bombs outside I28 and I29 to try to make the guys paranoid, just because. Then Jenny Hellfire left a bomb outside Kal's door. This bomb was perfect in every respect except for the lack of detonator (to be fair, the notice said fake bomb) and that it was covered in contact poison.


Hi, someone people, probably police officers just tried to kill PC Godfather, PC Fluffy and myself. They knocked on our doors, we didn't open them.

Then Jenny Hellfire left me a bomb. It was not attached ot the door, and the door wasn't opened by me. A friend of mine foolishly touched the bomb wondering why it didn't go off (against my advice). The bomb was coated in contact poison and he is unfortunately now dead. I then attached a string to the bomb and disarmed it form a distance by knocking it over. There was no explosion, but money fell on the ground which, unless they want it retuned I will keep (it was about 20p).

Omega: "You're welcome to keep it. Please put it towards some extra-strong Phileas Fogg Tortilla Chips."

The bomb said that it was made by Jenny Hellfire and The Fruit that Commutes. There was also a baby seal on the bomb. I hope that these two villains will be made wanted for the evil crime that killed the pure and innocent soul that is Ed Dallal.

Strictly speaking, it was your fault, for not keeping the innocent away from what you knew to be a dangerous device - but since you were objecting, I'll let you off.

PC Phoenix:

Hi, tonight I was desperate to watch buffy and since Kal is the only one with access to this, I ventured to his room. I was only admitted entrance by showing that iwas bearing no weapons, and so I wasn't really in a position to kill him. Random people turned up and knocked on the door, which Kal's sources said were assassins. We didn't open the door (a cunning ploy) and they went away. Another friend Ed, opened the door and discovered that a bomb was left there. It didnt go off. Ed then, against all our advice, touched it, and was killed by the lashings of contact poision on it.


These events took place between 5 and 6. Kal disarmed the bomb using string and wearing gloves, did remove it. Without further ado, we will continue watching Buffy.

Phoenix -no longer a member of extremis, but a plod.

[19:00pm] SWAT Cheerleader-in-Chief Innocent Killer Bunny ate Jonathan Gee (PC Big Daddy G)


The SWAT team, consisting of the CoP, Captain Vash, Keeper of the Hallowed Doughnut, Chief Inspector Morse, Head of the Telegraph Directorate, Agent WI Wikiwiki, the SWAT Cheerleader-in-Chief Innocent Killer Bunny did not meet up this evening. Bjoern Holzhauer certainly did not join us. We did not go to Magdelene and knock on Jonathan Gee's door.

We did not then go to Trinity and leave messages for Yu Lui and her dead friends.

We may have eaten donuts.

We did not return to Magdelene and see someone go in who looked like PC Big Daddy G. I asked him, "Are you Jonathan Gee?" He replied smoothly from the top of some stairs, "Oh, I think he's out". The CoP behind me said "That's him" I asserted "You are PC Big Daddy G." He ran for it up some stairs. I followed him to his room. The door was shut. Captain Vash, Keeper of the Hallowed Doughnut and Chief Inspector Morse, Head of the Telegraph Directorate took the fire escape outside. I waited outside his door and listened to him phoning somebody about the possibility of escaping down the fire escape. Then he emerged. I cannot remember exactly what happened then, I seem to have lost time, but my teeth are full of little red bits and sharp white splinters and there is this funny iron taste in my mouth and I was standing over him and he was dead. There was a mess.

We didn't pay another visit to Trinity to scare an innocent and leave a severed head.


The SWAT team had doughnuts tonight. The SWAT team went hunting. The SWAT team had to restrain their Mascot, Jenny the Killer Bunny from ripping the throat out of the innocent who followed us out of Magdeln and several other targets. Jenny the Killer Bunny followed PC Big Daddy G into his house. We then asked PC Big Daddy G where are target was. He said that he might not be in. General Powell said "I think thats him". Jonathan Gee tried to run away from Jenny, The Killer Bunny. Jenny the killer bunny did the sweet and innocent act outside his door. PC Big Daddy G made a break for the fire escape, which was covered by members of the SWAT team. Jenny, SWAT team mascot ripped his throat out with what were later described as "Great Big Pointy Teeth" Of course we did not visit Johns or Trinity to leave Severed heads, and of course nobody called "Bjorn" accompanied us.

General Powell:

After a quiet evening peacefully strolling along the beatiful streets and colleges of Cambridge, feeding the pigeons, helping old ladies cross the road, watering the flowers and sabotaging Park & Ride buses, the SWAT team and its new 2002 Officially Approved Mascot headed off to Bridge Street to pay a social visit to our old buddy PC Big Daddy G, and bring him some donuts.

While Captain Vash and Chief Inspector Morse climbed the fire exit at the back of the building (our friend loves surprise parties), Cheerleader-in-Chief Innocent and I went in via the front door. Upon reaching the second floor, I stopped in the kitchen to get some cold beer for Gee - and that's when I heard The Noises.

I heard a door being opened, and suddenly a powerful scream of terror and pain. I dropped the donuts and ran upstairs to find Innocent leaning over a bloodied corpse.

Gee had apparently had his throat ripped out, but not by any knife or blade... the incisions seemed the work of some sort of Nasty Big Pointy Teeth. The corpse was clutching some fluffly white fur, although I have no clue what this means. Cheerleader Innocent claimed to have found Gee in that state when she arrived, and I thought it prudent to not ask any more questions... just in case.

As the grief over the loss of a good friend made the SWAT team extremely hungry, I invited everyone to donuts.

Official Coroner's Report: "Accidental death. Fell on his sword."


Police Report:
Officers: General Collin Powell, Chief Inspector Morse, Captain Vash, Agent WI Wikiwiki, SWAT Cheerleader-in-Chief Innocent Killer Bunny
Location: Trinity, St John's, Magdalene, and Jesus colleges,
Time and Date: 19:00- 22.00
Details: SWAT assembled at Jesus for a small raid unfortunately the chief target was no longer suitable for an attack so a few more minor targets were identified.
Bjoern was not with the SWAT raid. No one was shot. SWAT may have gone to Trinity and possibly left a head, SWAT definitely did not then go to Magdalene where they did not follow a person into a house only to find that he was the target. The target- PC Big Daddy G did not decide to make a run for it out of his room and down a fire escape but did encounter the big pointy teeth of the SWAT mascot. It was a shame he did not reach the firescape as it was being covered by other members of the SWAT team and the targets reaction on meeting them on his escape route would have been rather humourous.

[19:00pm] Marwood Bramwell chatted to Omega


While I was innocently sitting in Games and Puzzles at about 19.30 this evening, a member of the SWAT team dropped by and announced to the room that he was taking a team incompetent bashing. So, being the kind, public-spirited people that we are, Marwood and I decided to try and beat them to it, so off we went to John's. First port of call was Martin O'Leary, but after knocking on his door for a while, one of his neighbours informed us that he wasn't in. Next up was Omega, whom we had a nice chat with through a locked door, even inviting us to Formal Hall at John's after the game has finished. Finally, we went to see Hylas, but got paranoid, and left.

Marwood Bramwell just came to my door and said "There's two ways of doing this - We can have a dual or I can keep leaving bombs for you." I declined, partially through cowardice and partially because I'm dying to see what will be in the next one. Oh, and thanks for the head, I'll treasure it.

Thursday, 21 February

[01:00am] Omega made an appeal on behalf of SWAT Cheerleader-in-Chief Innocent Killer Bunny

I, Omega, as an upsitting member of the community, have written this open letter as I wish to lodge an appeal concerning the court martial of one Jenny Chase. I do not believe the sentence given by the court martial to be sufficient. The court may wish to consider the following:

- The bedders provide a valuable service which does not include danger money. If it is seen that a policeperson, who is meant to serve the community, may kill or fatally injure these people with only a minor cut in donut rations as punishment, then the community belief in the police force will be destroyed.

- The police use of high explosives is a new and controversial addition to their powers. I would suggest that the much quoted argument ("bloody incompetents deserve all they get") does not give the police the justification to endanger the lives of law abiding citizens.

- Matt Lohse's gone and the police are getting bored. Go on, it'd be fun...

In any event, I find the new position to which Ms Chase has been "demoted" to be farcical. Everyone knows that she is no cheerleader, but in fact her true talents lie as a bunny girl.

Ever the humble servant of the law,


As an aside, I note that Omega only remained legal because the CoP was still trying to think of something to charge him with when he died.

[07:00am] Styx refrained from bombing Elton the dancing crocodile

I went to Elton the dancing crocodile's room, but he was either already up, or he sleeps with lights and TV on, or he was not in his room leaving lights and TV on as he left. I therefore refrained from planting a bomb and leave others to find out the truth about this affair.

With one bomb to spare went to Trinity and bombed the incompetent PC Hawks.

That bomb failed...

[08:40am] Inconspicuous didn't quite blow up Elton the dancing crocodile

It was dark but not moonless as I made my way to Queens'. A quick scan of the signposts showed the direction to staircase BB. One flight up, and Elton the dancing crocodile's door was easily located. Seeking cover in a nearby bathroom, I combined explosive and detonator, and placed the combination against his door. I then slipped away into the night.

I await news of Paul Hickford's demise. Inconspicuously, of course.

I awoke this morning to find what appeared to be the remnants of a rather large bomb outside my door. The stated raduis was about 4 metres, which when you consider the protection that walls offer means I should have continued to sleep happily away...

Followed by:

As I continued to read my email this morning I got this. I guess that explains that then!

-----Original Message-----
From: Steve Bishop [mailto:smb50@cam.ac.uk]
Sent: 21 February 2002 01:04
To: Paul Hickford


I left Harry's room this evening and there is a bomb outside your door, probably placed by the assasins guild. I touched it and it fired some fire crackers or something that made me jump.... I think it is now dead.

Be careful! Kepp this email as proof that it didn't kill you -- it killed me instead.... ;-(


[12:05pm] Snapdragon shot Martin O'Leary (An Abelian Grape)

I got to lectures extra early this morning, to set-up an ambush for the incompetent PC Hawks, with Captain Vash. Unfortunately, she decided to attend lectures via a route we had not covered, so slipped through our net.

So, we attended lectures, and at the end waited for her to leave. She didn't claiming to be maths with comp-sci. We thought this was an unlikely story, but were not in the mood to sit through a comp-sci lecture to check it's veracity. So we left, followed by one of the evil zombies, presumably checking that we had actually left.

Anyway, on our way out, I saw An Abelian Grape and Omega, who appeared to be following us. I called out to Martin O'Leary at a distance, and as he responded, I decided to go and congratulate him for getting Rosemary. As he was my target, I felt there was nothing I could do but take him out at this point, so I did.

I then left the scene quickly, after reholstering my weapon. Omega thought it would be a good idea to try and snipe at me as I left, but as he drew his gun, Captain Vash took him down, which was awfully nice of him. Hence two of the most dangerous baby seals have now been removed.

Oh woe is me, gunned down in my prime by that vicious scoundrel Snapdragon at the New Museums site today. Got me in the face with an RPG and everything.

[12:06pm] Captain Vash, Keeper of the Hallowed Doughnut saw Stuart Moore (Omega, Penguin) attempting to kill someone in public, and did his duty

Circa 0945:
SnapDragon and Captain Vash meet up to attempt to remove the vile Necromancer PC Hawks from this life. She fails to show up, however the raised Zombie Isobell Hooper did appear to inform us that she had been killed by a bomb on her door this morning. Not trusting this source's memory, we proceeded to ask the necromancer herself, and she did, within the safety of the lecture room, reveal that she was in fact still alive. So we had lectures.

Circa 1155:
I attempt to (obviously, and with a large amount of weaponry badly concealed under my coat) follow her out of lectures. however, she then moves down three rows in the lecture theatre, and claims that she wants to attend the next lecture as it may be "interesting" having loudly announced our departure, we "leave" only to be followed by (surprise, surprise) a corpse, so proceeding up some steps, we plan to ambush them and lose the corpse. Alas, for the following occured, distracting us from our mission.

Circa 1205:
We "meet"
Omega and Martin O'Leary and have a quick chat. All of a sudden, Snapdragon pulls out a gun and shoots Martin, and hides his gun again, so quickly that I wasn't even certain that it had happened (apart from the corpse of Martin lying on the ground, bleeding, I just hope that he won't get up again and interfere like the one we just lost) At this stage, Snapdragon left abruptly. Stuart Moore and I wondered over to the balcony, where we could see Snapdraon wating to cross a road.

Omega: "Can I?"
Captain Vash, Keeper of the Hallowed Doughnut: "If you really want too....... but..."

At this stage Omega pulls out an RBG and fires it ineffectually in the general direction of Snapdragon, missing him. He then gets shot by Captain Vash for use of weapons in a public area.

Myself and Martin were leaving lectures and I was waiting for Snapdragon. Unfortunately he took a different exit. We then saw him leaving and walked after him, he was chatting with Captain Vash, Keeper of the Hallowed Doughnut. He spotted us so I went to talk to some fellow Johnians. They came after us and Snapdragon shot Martin brutally in the head, to the surprise of the surrounding crowd. Omega didn't bat an eyelid. Snapdragon then ran off, I decided I would try to kill him (he was one of my targets anyway) and assumed that Omega, having just witnessed a brutal murder, would be honourable.

Never assume, it makes an ass of you and me.

Whilst firing at Snapdragon (none of the shots hit, I don't know if he actually realised I was shooting) I had a rather nasty wet feeling in my shoulder. What an embarrassing way to die, truly representative of how I reached this hallowed place of learning.

The ghosts of Omega and Abelian Grape ("the fruit that commutes" - wish I'd thought of that one) then went to try to haunt the people of Games and Puzzles. Unfortunately it didn't work. Still we had a nice chat, and Martin got to try the BFRBG.

The funeral will be held on Cripps Roof, St Johns at 2pm on Sunday, with a 21 gun salute (Bjorn, can you provide? No one else has that many guns).

This will be followed by a battle, principally with low range RBGs/RPGs but hopefully we'll get time to move onto CPSs. The porters are a little funny about people running around with guns so we may get moved on fairly quickly. Meet at the top of F staircase, and try to be subtle.

There will then be a funeral hall for as many people as we can accommodate - email stjm2 for tickets, put "assassins hall" as the subject please, and mention if you're veggie. Tickets are £4 each, bring your own wine. You'd almost certainly have time to change before hall, wear gowns if you have them. At the moment I have no information on menus.

I also hope that we can organise some mafia hall swaps, either now or at end of game.

[12:10pm] Agent Wages of Sin outmanauvered Yu Liu (PC Hawks)

It is sometimes said that this is not as much the "Assassins' Guild" as the "Shoot On Sight Guild." However this morning we have seen a true assassins' kill, full of stealth and cunning (and reserve guns.) I had received intelligence information on the incompetent PC Hawks confirming that she did the same subject as me, and was in the same year as me. Although I did not know her, it gave details of two of her friends and accomplices, who I did know. (Yes, if your corpse is reading this, I would never have found you if you hadn't been sitting with I/H!)

I conveniently managed to sit on the same row as her in lectures this morning, and got a good look at her. So after lectures, an accomplice and I waited for her to emerge, but she failed to. My accomplice went back in, and she and a friend were still sitting in their seats, as the theatre filled up for the next lecture. Surely she wasn't staying? Anyway, one friend walked out, leaving just two of them. After a while her second friend walked out suspiciously, and then back in another door. We tried to hide, but I felt nervous, wondering whether I was being rumbled. I started talking loudly with my accomplice to look innocent, with my back to the lecture theatre door, when I heard a noise, and my accomplice told me that they were running. Aha, I thought, this could get interesting. And so began a stealth chase through the new Museums Site; on more than one occasion we turned a corner and just saw them disappearing round the next one. When they were clear of the site, they slowed down to a walk, believing that they were on their own and we closed in for the kill. I was discussing (loudly) with my accomplice what we needed from Sainsbury's. As we passed the market square, I swept alongside them and drew out my gun. It fired once or twice before jamming, and once PC Hawks had got over the shock of her valiant attempts to flee not being enough, and being mortally wounded, she staggered into the market, and with my reserve gun I finished off the job. She finally collapsed in the centre of the market, attracting more than a couple of strange glances. I felt a sense of guilt killing her, as her efforts to escape were so good, but ultimately she had sinned into incompetence, and it was time for full payment. A quality kill in my humble opinion.

Damn it. I'm finally dead. This should be good news to the five(?) mobs of people trying to kill me over the last few days. At least their quest is at end. For me at least this means end of bombs outside my door in the morning (the quality of which is decreasing at an alarming rate--this morning I found an empty bottle outside my door marked as a bomb with a detonator stuck so tight that it's near impossible to separate it from the door and so the bottle just came off...I mean did he really expect that bomb to work?! with no explosives?! And doll's heads--What is that?! Stop freaking my neighbours out!) SWAT, I shall leave it outside my door for you to collect.

Well, I always knew I was going to fall prey to one of these people sooner or later. Having read Morse's report of his stalk on me just before lectures on Wednesday, I left my room at 9 this morning rather than at 10 to go to an optional quantum mechanics lecture. Just before Analysis I spotted agent Vash + accomplice and it was clear he wasn't going to let me get away safely this morning. SO after Vector Calculus finished I decided to stay and listen to a bit of Java programming. His patience soon ran out, and thereby left the building, whence I decided it was time to make my escape along with a fwend. Not following our usual route but going through art school building and into the Market square I thought I was safe when two bullets hit me from the back. There was a little dispute over whether the damage was lethal, when he shot me a few more times while apologising profusely. Oddly enough he was none of the people who had made attempts on me last week...

I rest in peace now (Not that I caused much of a row anyway)

[14:20pm] Commando called on Yak and recieved a late poisoned letter

I just went round and banged on Yak's door again (2.20pm) but he wasn't there.

I got a delayed posoined letter from when I was last incompetant, the porters wrongly sent it to the Dean (Professor *******), but unfortunately he didn't open it (not the assassins fault) but it was their fault that the first line read 'dear incompetant' as i prised it open with a pen- better luck next time.

[15:30pm] Spud again failed to bomb Poisonality

At 15:30 I left yet another bomb for Poisonality, why won't she just die?

My personal bomber had been busy at work it seems, and has left me another example of his exquisite handiwork. Some standard detonation measures failed to make it go off, so I picked it up with gloves and stored it in an empty kitchen cupboard. I have no intention to open it at the moment, so Spud is more than welcome to come and collect it from the said cupboard (305).

I also remind assassins of the need to place BIG signs to the effect of 'this is not a real bomb'. Emphesis on BIG.

[18:15pm] PC Godfather killed Tom Forster (Chief Inspector Morse, Head of the Telegraph Directorate) during the SWAT raid on Selwyn

The following short and abruptly terminated coded radio message was intercepted by GCHQ today:

... --- ... / ... --- ... / --- ..-. ..-. .. -.-. . .-. / -.. --- .-- -. .-.-.- / -.-. .... .. . ..-. / .. -. ... .--. . -.-. - --- .-. / -- --- .-. ... . / ... .... --- - / -... -.-- / .--. -.-. / --. --- -.. ..-. .- - .... . .-. .-.-.- / .-. .- .. -.. / --- -. / ... . .-.. .-- -.-- -. / .. / ... - .- .. .-. / ..- ... .. -. --. / -... --- -- -... ... --..-- / -- --- .-. ... . .----. ... / -... --- -- -... ... / -.. . - --- -. .- - . -.. / .-. . ... ..- .-.. - ... / ..- -. -.- -. --- .-- -. .-.-.- / ... .-- .- - / - .- -.-. - .. -.-. .- .-.. .-.. -.-- / .-- .. - .... -.. .-. . .-- / .- .-.. .-.. --- .-- .. -. --. / .--. -.-. / --. --- ... ..-. .- - .... . .-. / ... -. . .- -.- / .. -. - --- / - --- .. .-.. . - ... / .-- .... . .-. . / .- - - .- -.-. -.- . -.. / ... .-- .- - .-.-.- / -. . . -.. / - --- / .-. . .--. --- .-. - / - .... .- - / .. -. -.. .. ...- .. -.. ..- .- .-.. / .. / ..-. .. .-. . -.. / .- - / .-- .- ... /

.- ------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

[continues as an unbroken sequence of dashes] Expert code breakers have deciphered it to read:

SOS SOS Officer Down STOP Chief Inspector Morse shot by PC Godfather STOP Raid on Selwyn I stair using bombs STOP Morse's bombs detonated results unknown STOP SWAT tactically withdrew allowing PC godfather sneak into toilets where attacked SWAT STOP Need to report that individual I fired at was a...

At this point the coherent message ends with a continuous sequence of dashes suggesting that something heavy fallen onto and lying on the transmitter button. This sequence of dashes continued as long as the signal was monitored.

[18:20pm] Agent WI Wikiwiki then took revenge on Tim Blanchard (PC Godfather)

We left for Selwyn, got to I staircase and none of them would come out. A very helpful person gave us descriptions of them all. So, we set bombs, danced, played music etc but they wouldn't come out.

We waited outside for a bit, then Tim Blanchard got stuck in the toilet, he killed PC Tom Forster, but then gave him self up. We all shot him just to make sure.

After much encouragement from us, the other two wouldn't come out, so we pretended to set off one of the bombs by throwing a detonator down the corridor. We then hid outside and waited. Eventually PC Fluffy came out with an umbrella shield, he didn't see me so I shot him with my XP-240. I hit his arm but the shield kept him alive. He then ran back into his room.

The Tom and Jon then left, me and Ed waited outside for about 15 minutes, then at the bottom of the stairs for about 15 minutes. After this we went back up, saw PC Fluffy go into the kitchen. We stormed the kitchen from both sides and Ed shot him.

The other one opened his door slighty to see what was going on with an RBG, but then slammed it quickly when I was pointing an XP-240 at his face. I didn't get time to fire.

We then left and hid on the floor below for a bit. PC Lara Crow came out, saw us, then went back in and said "no, they're still there". Should she be helping this incompetent player? I don't think so.

Neither does the CoP, she is now wanted for corruption.

[18:20pm] Captain Vash, Keeper of the Hallowed Doughnut and Kal were also involved

Having met at Catz, we proceeded to Selwyn, where after much messing about and trying to persuade people to leave their rooms, we eventually came up with the "S**t" plan. Amazingly it worked, well sort of. After investigating whether they had come out, we were counterattacked from the kitchen, and Morse's noble sacrifice granted Captain Vash a chance to dodge. We then terminated with extreme prejeduce (well, shot) his killer. After some more dashing about we shot somebody in the arm, but then I had to leave. Apparently the two people we left behind did well...

Last night I was sitting in my room working when PC Fluffy ran in and told me there were a large number of assassins outside. We immediately sealed the doors and contacted PC Godfather knowing that the assassins would be after him to. We then listened carefully and heard the assassins (we later learned it was a swat team strike) planting bombs on all of the doors.

We decided to disarm the bomb on PC Fluffy's door by trying a piece of string to the door and holding it shut with a chair then pulling on the string form a safe distance to open the door.

The foolish police then thought that we had set off the bomb and proceeded to tell us we were dead. At this time I was now near PC Fluffy's door. We told them that we disarmed the bomb and one of them tried to rush into PC Fluffy's room. It was a close thing; a brief battle of door pushing took place in which I got off a couple of shots with my RBG which almost certainly hit no one. The door was then sealed again.

Then we heard a muffled conversation followed by a cry of "oh s**t" and running down the corridor. We assumed that they had accidentally detonated one of there own bombs (they later informed them us that this was a trick to get us out of the room). Again we disarmed PC Fluffy's door and this time he went out with and RBG and an umbrella shield (labelled). HE quickly encountered a police officer and retreated to his room after an exchange of fire. I am led to believe that the police had shields that were not labelled as such which I think contravenes the rules.

It would, were it true.

We then communicated with PC Godfather and decided to rush our attackers. Unfortunately we had only one RBG at our end of the corridor. The mission was therefore for PC Fluffy and Godfather's to secure the corridor so that I could arm myself form the weapons stash. Unfortunately a gun battle took place and PC Fluffy was injured. I later found that PC Godfather killed a police officer, but was himself killed.

We then waited a while before deciding we were bored and needed food so we all went out into the corridor, it was deserted. We then went to see PC Phoenix and asked her to cook us food at gunpoint, she kindly agreed, although she was not happy about helping the incompetent scum that we are.

While she was cooking PC Fluffy was foolishly walking around in the corridor while I was in my room. The police came back and killed him easily. I went to my door to see a man aiming a water gun at it. Not knowing whether illegal kills counted (my room is a no water room) I quickly shut my door rather than opening fire with my RBG). I then shut PC Fluffy's door. A brief discussion took place through the door in which we decided who was already dead etc. And that I wasn't coming out anytime soon.

The police left and I had my dinner and got back to work.

This is the second group raid on the corridor in two nights. It seems the police are a little more competent than the Baby Seals.

[18:30pm] The Pussy removed Paul Hickford (Elton the dancing crocodile)

It was a grey, rainy day. Incompetance was looming and I didn't have the effort to plough through the rain and attack some of Cambridge's scarier assassins. It seemed like too much effort just to get myself killed. So I decided to cast my eye over likely victims closer to home. It was known to me that a close friend, Queens' assassin Paul Hickford (idleness a speciality) had become incompetent recently (his skillful defusing of bombs with an acme long bit of string TM just not being good enough for this term's harsh demanding umpire). :-p Well, it would have been a shame if his blood had been wasted on the bullets of the police when it could have been helping a friend out of a walk in the rain...

Clutching a fluids example sheet to my chest, I wandered over to his room. I found him in the kitchen in a state of extreme paranoia, every sentance punctuated by waving his rubber band gun around. A fragrent smell of burnt chocolate and cornflakes filled the air. I had his trust, and so it was only a matter of minutes before his guard was down enough for me to draw and shoot him three times in the heart. Then I ate chocolate crispy mix with his girlfriend as blood dripped onto the kitchen floor from his (quite outraged) corpse.

I'm dead! I'd been on edge since being declared 'lazy' knowing that I was now a target for the SWAT team. And this evening while loitering (not in any way hiding) in my kitchen (making cornflake cakes!) a familiar figure arrived to pay me a visit. My mind was elsewhere, more worried about the vast devastation the swat team would likely cause to my vital organs. So when The Pussy shot me I didn't notice. So she shot me again, and I fell to the ground bleeding...

So ends my reign of terror. Shot by someone I trusted, while awaiting the arrival of the SWAT team, and a chance to go down in a blaze of glory. As I say Aloha to the afterlife, I request that I be buried in my formal shirt. The orange one with flowers on...

[19:02pm] Poisonality successfully lurked Jolyon Winstam (Marwood Bramwell)

17.10 Noticed a bomb on my door. How nice of dear old Spud. Sidestepped it. Went on my way.

17.40 Took up a position outside Games&Puzzles.

17.55 Took cover from a fellow assassin walking down the street.

18.00 It started to rain. People having good time in the shop.

18.10 Deterred an overenthusiastic garbage man. Declined an invitation for a 'nice hot cuppa at my place'.

18.25 Walked past the shop just to see whether the target wasn't, in fact, a corpse for real. A person sitting inside and chatting with the target identified as SWAT Cheerleader Innocent. Uh-oh.

18.30 Got some crisps from Sainsbury's. Started wondering about the symptoms of hypothermia.

18.35 It started to rain harder.

18.50 Bugger them all, I'm going home... Wait, SWAT Cheerleader spotted leaving shop. Out of boredom, decided to tail her instead.

18.51 Got stopped by a random person asking for directions. Lost SWAT Cheerleader.

19.00 SWAT Cheerleader relocated at Border's cafe. Maintained a wary distance waiting for something interesting to happen.

19.01 Sixth sense alerted to the presence of a Dodgy Git. Target spotted walking up the stairs.

19.02 Git removed with the Patented ALOHA! Carrot K(n)ife in the back. Ran away from SWAT Cheerleader, who might have been out of sight but never out of mind, I wish her to know.

19.20 Return home, start tackling the bomb.

Also present, Innocent:

5.45pm I was meeting Marwood Bramwell for reasons unknown to absolutely everybody, certainly including myself. I turned up at G&P. He was busy. I kept looking out of the window for assassins but I couldn't see any. I thought they hung around all the time. I even told him I was hoping to see his assassin outside. He thought I was just being jumpy as usual.

7.00pm I turn my back on Marwood Bramwell for just one minute and somebody stabs him with a carrot and runs off without a word. I saw nothing, and was horrified and traumatised by the spreading pool of blood. He thinks somebody must have followed him in.

His corpse then took me out to dinner. It was very nice of it.

After a long day slaving at the wheel of capitalist endevor, I decided that I needed high grade columbian export to perk me up a little. As I dragged my self into Starbucks, I spotted the Police Cheerleader Centerfold, recieving something hot and satisifing from the gentleman behind the counter. I stood there, suddenly struck by the wonderousness of her pom-poms. I was then viciously stabbed in the back by an un-named assassin, who for the record looked pleasingly cold, rained upon and bedraggled, as befits someone who had been waiting for so long in the rain (hehe).

My mind, trained from navigating the world of high finance and Trivial Pursuit, raced into action. As I listed and then disposed of various plans to execute from this situation, i whirled round to face down my attacker. Unfortuatly, my mind had found the only truly effective responce, and at once I felt to the floor, bleeding out rapidly. As life force departed me, leaving me a worthless mass of protein chains, My hind-brain pointed out to my soon-departing soul that that was the second most impressive thing I have ever seen a blonde do with a carrot.

On a happier note, the evening was greatly redemed by coffee and dinner with the Police Cheerleader, who was especially jupy, as dinner was purchased my a bloodied and decaying corpse.

Speculation that Marwood Bramwell was targetted purely because of his unfailing politeness to the fairer sex has so far proven popular.

[19:25pm] PC Cath Een managed to catch out David Rufino (PC Fluffy)

After a rendezvous in Catz, the SWAT team began the quite long, although not as long as if it were to Girton, say, hike, to Selwyn's Cripps Court. Arriving at about 5.30, we began to prep some bombs outside the building, by attaching their detonators.

We then entered the staircase, and proceeded to the correct floor. A quick scout around revealed that at least some of the targets were in their rooms. Fellow police officer Lara Crow, however, was not. We had been counting on her support (of the wanted criminals, that was).

So we placed bombs outside David Rufino's and Stephen Ingram's doors. And knocked. And waited for a while. Shortly, the corpse of Ed Dallal appeared (I know this because I am a friend of a friend, although we've never actually spoken). He said he was checking the other doors for bombs. Which I said he wasn't allowed to do. He started getting angry. So I said I was a friend of xxxxx and he was happy. Especially after I gave him biscuits. Unfortunately for him, he wasn't allowed back into the target's room to finish watching a film in case we entered after him.

Anyway, a short while later the door of PC Fluffy's room opened, and the bomb went off. They'd opened it with string though, so no one died. We then attached a larger bomb to the door, and left it.

After about 20 or 30 minutes, we got bored. So I came up with a really cunning masterplan to lure the evil evil incompetents out. Captain Vash took a detonator, and threw it down the corridor. It went off. He shouted "Oh S**t!!!", and we ran away noisily, hiding up the stairs a little way. There was then another bang, of one of our other bombs going off. A neighbour came up and saw us, and kindly told the criminals that we were still there. Darn.

So we headed into the corridor, shooting at the now retreating miscreants. Myself and Morse went into the corridor, whilst we were being covered by Vash and Wikiwiki. Suddenly there was the sound of gunfire from the kitchen, and Morse was brutally gunned down. I stuck my flamethrower round the corner and fired. I missed, but Tim Blanchard, who was the evil gunman, surrendered, not wanting to be soaked by the flames of death. He dropped his weapons, Vash got him in the arm muchly, and myself and Wikiwiki terminated him with extreme predjudice. Without flamethrowers. It was now about 6.15.

But that still left two criminals. Myself, Vash and Wikiwiki went back upstairs and waited. After being told by various people, including the corpse, that we should just go home, and that the criminals weren't coming out, Wikiwiki tried to signal something to me. I wasn't sure what he meant, so remained hidden. But then his flamethrower spat forth flames, and the arm of PC Fluffy was burnt. I charged down the stairs and blindly fired at the retreating figures, but I don't know if I hit or not - I doubt it at that range. And the blindly firing bit doesn't help much.

Vash then had to go back. But myself and Wikiwiki waited, until about 7 upstairs, then we went back downstairs again, until about 7.20. After being asked where the Diamond Building was a couple of times, we decided that enough was enough, and went back upstairs, watching for snipers. Both armed with flamethrowers, myself and Wikiwiki charged through the joint doors leading off the stairs, and onto the corridor. In the kitchen was one of the miscreants from earlier, who I sprayed liberally. A door opened, and someone who I can only presume to be Steve, saw us, and slammed it shut again. We explained the detonator ruse to them, and left.

We waited on the next floor down, but PC Lara Crow, breaking her allegiance to the force, told the corpse and criminal of our presence. So we went downstairs, carefully and loudly stating that "We're going now", and "Byeeeeeee", hoping to confuse the poor creatures. It didn't really work, and after we had left the premises, someone stood next to the door making sure we were really going. We teased them for a bit, then went for pizza.

We appear to be the centre of attention these days. There I was revelling in my own incompetentness, when I noticed a SWAT team idly chatting to one of my neighbours (and I'm supposed to be incompetent). It was then I courageously dived back into my room, and waited fearlessly for them to bomb my door. There then followed two brief but daring gun fights as I burst out from my door yielding only a curiously umbrella-like shield and a fully armed sawn off (each time carefully disarming the crude bombs on my door). The first time I escaped unscathed, the second time a lurker in the shadows shot me in the arm. I'm feeling a bit blue having only one arm..but I will avenge the death of PC Godfather! You might be interested to know that while they were bombing Kal's door we heard something along the lines of 'just tie this here...' BANG 's**t'. Either they were overwhelmed by the guilt of setting out to kill a fellow police officer and felt there was only one way out...or the IQ of the police force is rather lower than the national average (big surprise there).


Oh well. Avenging PC Godfather's death didn't go quite as planned. I naively imagined they might have gone home after the 3 hour pitched battle, and went unarmed for food at which point they promptly shot me in the head. I'm sure Kal, er i mean Extremis, shall avenge my death, however!

Friday, 22 February

[08:30am] Someone tried to bomb Flash Cougar

Someone, I sadly report, attempted to kill me last night. Opening my door, I heard a loud crack; a 2m radius bomb had been put outside it. The bomb had, of course been contact poisoned (just a quick thought: which idiot would survive a bomb attempt but think to themselves "Phew, thank God for that. Right, I know what to do now, I'll pick this thing up with my bare hands"). Luckily, I had the foresight some time ago to register a bomb shelter and invest in string. Better luck next time, bomber.

[09:58am] Flash Cougar set upon Sally Clough (The Pussy, Clownie)

Friday morning
Grey and cold
Tired eyes
Feeling old

Talked too late
Till long gone three
Now bleary eyed
I cannot see

Also woke up at six
To row
Due to illness
Did not go

But short on sleep!
So short on sleep!

Saw my friend
He had a gun
But he's a friend
I did not run

Oh what a fool
A fool I be
His other friend
I did *not* see!

And he did point!
He points, at me?
The reason why
What could that be?

The reason why
Came running by
He pulled a gun
And gave a sigh

"Are you that Sally Clough I see?"
And then he shot! He shot at me!

I tried to lie
It's worked before
But out of me
My blood did pour

And so I died
Out on Mill Lane
I feel my death
Has been a shame

And how I rue
The trust of friend
That trust of friend
I fear will end...

At about 10.00am yesterday I killed Sally Clough. I'm almost embarassed to say how, because it's the dullest method imaginable: I waited for one of her lectures to finish, and then followed and shot her as she walked outside. There's really very little else to say. I'd move on and read the next report if I were you.

[12:00pm] Styx was forced to waste an interesting bomb on Kal

A second bomb was intended for Paul Hickford, but I was foiled by his death. As a result Stephen Ingram became the lucky recipient of a fascinating and complicated device. According to the instructions on the bomb he has to cut the correct one out of three differently coloured wires (green, red and silver-green) to disarm it. As a hint as to which wire to cut I wrote the sequence 'DQ7RZ9' on the bomb. As this is just gibberish, none of the wires is correct. However it is quite safe to touch, kick, drop, squeeze, throw or roll this bomb. The only way of detonating the device is trying to dismantle it. Hopefully Kal is a curious little assassin.

I just discovered a bomb on my door (8.20) it was not attached to the door, but instead has wires on it. It says "cut wires to disarm". I have hence decided not to disarm but to put it inside a concrete bunker until I have a use for the said bomb.

I would like to issue a notice to Clownie, either come and kill me in an active way or I will kill you. I wouldn't mind having a duel if you are up for it.

And then:

I have disarmed her bomb now, I got bored with it.

I also got a poisoned letter today, it was form Jenny Hellfire. I t was very nice and I really liked the card, says thanks to her for me.

Just in case you were wondering, it didn't kill me.

[22:00pm] Kal was forced, at gunpoint, to bomb The Beast - but failed

Tonight 2 police officers came into my room and at gunpoint ordered me to go out and kill some people so that they wouldn't have to waste their time by killing me. They have given me until Monday to get myself off the incompetent list.

First we went to John's to kill the incompetent there (about 9-9.30). An acquaintance of the target informed us that she was away for the weekend. The acquaintance also seemed fed up of assassin always being around and said that she was quite scared at times. We tried the targets door nonetheless, but she was indeed not in.

Then we went to Emma to kill the incompetent there. He appeared to not be in so I cleverly placed a bomb for him. This has the standard popper trigger and was covered in contact poison (Vaseline and jam).

We then returned. There was no one outside my room to kill me, a rare occasion these days.

I returned home to find a bomb on my door. It was pretty easy to disarm - just take the drawing pins out of the door. There was also contact poison, but as it was highly visible it was easy to avoid...I just used the penknife (which I keep on my keyring) to disarm everything...so that means I am still alive - what a pity. At least now I have actually had an attempt on my life (it was getting quite dull).

Also, my neighbour told me that the people setting the bomb (apparently there were two) shot him repeatedly - The pustulating scum should be made wanted...

Interestingly, there were three bombers, and they claim not to have shot your neighbour - an explanation from someone would be appreciated...


Since I have been given an ultimatum to kill Kal or become corrupt again, myself and wages of sin decided to give our friend a chance and went to his room, held him at gunpoint and ordered him to go out incompetent bashing...or else! We went to Johns where Kal sought out the incompetent, but was informed by a friend of said incompetent that she was out for the weekend, Kal prowled around outside her room for a bit, then decided that she was indeed out. Then we went to Emma, where we found the room and Kal planted a nice little bomb for the occupant. Then we went home, where there was a distinct lack of people here to kill him.

Agent Wages of Sin:

After a complex discussion with PC Phoenix, we decided that we had to remove Kal from the incompetence list. So we stormed his room, and threatened him at gunpoint that if he didn't manage to kill someone, we would kill him by Monday. He courteously agreed to our proposal, and the three of us set off to remove some incompetents. First stop was John's to elimainate a Baby Seal Rosemary Fletcher. Alas a very convincing friend informed us that we weren't the first visitors of the evening, and that she had gone away for the weekend. We went to her door, but she did look extremely absent.

Not to be deterred, the next stop was Emma to eliminate Mark Goddard. After threatening a few ducks, we found his staircase, but again, it appeared he was absent. As a result, Kal found it appropriate to leave a bomb-shaped present, covered with plenty of contact poison. I sincerely hope it doesn't inconvenience him too much, one way or the other.

And so we returned to base. We decided to give Kal time to prove his competence to us, and to wait for the results of the bomb we left.

I wish to publicly apologise to the ducks for our threatening behaviour, we wish to assure you that we mean you no harm, (until you become legal targets of course.)


Produced at Sat Mar 16 22:59:37 2002