Lent 2002 Game News - week 3

Saturday, 09 February

[00:40am] Mr Chives didn't poison PC Big Gary


Fear not - airbourne vectors are no danger - so long as she did not touch the poison, she will live.

[09:00am] Mr Chives didn't poison The Shepherd

Early on Saturday morning I was handed an open letter by a friend who had found it very suspicious, and was curious as to why it was filled with talcum powder. After taking due precautions, I confirmed that it was a poison pen letter, which I safely disposed of, but too late to save the innocent.

Given that the innocent had in fact opened said letter, precisely because they thought it was poisoned, this has no reperussions for Mr Chives.

However, it is something I consider very wrong, and I will take action to stop this sort of thing. Don't get others to open your mail.

[10:00am] Mr Chives didn't poison The Rabbi

Saturday morning brought me a suspicious letter which smelled strongly of talcum powder. I decided that the university would not be sending me personal care products and so disposed of the letter.

[11:25am] Mr Chives didn't poison Robert Ludlum

11:25am. Having discovered a letter in my mail box claiming to have been sent via UMS I was slightly suspicious. Having established that it was safe to move the letter, I proceeded towards the lab to safely examine it. En route, an acquaintance of mine asked about the letter I was carrying and noted that it looked like a standard UMS mailing. I agreed, but mentioned my suspicions and informed him of the contact-poisoned letter phenomena. Strangely at this point he offered to open the letter for me. Normally, I would have declined but I am already on the wanted list and I felt the need to have yet another supporting character die during the course of this Robert Ludlum novel. So, I handed him the letter which he proceeded to open. Unsurprisingly, his hand soon seemed covered in white powder. He expressed how neat it was and thanked me before he died. I carefully moved, finished opening and read the letter (standard protection measures used: wore gloves, opened over a plastic bag). As the attached letter was long, boring, and a grammatical nightmare I will refrain from subjecting my readers to it but would like to point out that no one would actually get around to the line explaining their death due to the large amount of white powder. I was also disappointed by the lack of a creative name in the letter. It appears that I am even more wanted for the death of another innocent as well as still being alive. Oh, I wish to offer 1 stale Sainsbury's croissant for the death of the sender of this letter, identity unknown.
Robert Ludlum I doubt that this was sent via UMS, rather they probably just wrote that on the envelope to fool me.

Erm... How terrible. Will nobody stop this Dr. Kimble candidate?

[12:00pm] PC Edith the Sociopathic Hutt shot another innocent

Today I shot Ashley from trinity outside my MinSci lecture, he was an innocent and did not deserve to die but I did it anywho. Please note it is my intention to kill an innocent a day until the police decide to stop eating dohnuts and come and kill me. Please also note that I do intend to kill anyone who does attempt to kill me or even looks at me funny or something because I'm an evil pyscopath. (although I have been described as a nice homicdal maniac before now).

Nocturnal ramblings

The Emma police & Mario have now had over 1 week to remove the incompetents in the college of their mafia, but they have failed to do so.

Also consider the following quotes from the newsgroup/emails:

Quote from Ed Clayton:
"Apparently he is a very dangerous incompetent. Similar, in many ways, to Roger Benson (okay, he went wanted too, but he was incompetent originally)."
// true, in the sense that nobody in his own college will kill him,
// because they are all coperating with him "He has powerful friends that he can call upon to betray people in times of need."
// Ed's probably referring to himself and Mario

Quote from an email from Mario to a different wanted criminal:
"In all honesty, I doubt the Emmafia is going to make it if it doesn't receive some pretty good help, so it's almost like knowingly backing the losing horse.
and should you desire making a deal with them, I'm sure I could intercede in your favour, and make sure the pact is honoured - at least as long as I live."

Mario also admitted being corrupt to Simon Ford in front of 8 people on the Market Square (Monday 28th).

Based on this evidence I suggest that
General Mario "Colin Powell" Sainz-Martinez
Chief Cath Een Edward Clayton
Agent Bulldog Daniel Drodge
PC Tosh Darren Barnes
should be made wanted for corruption.

--An assassin that wants to remain anonymous

In view of the complete lack of evidence presented (apart from some hearsay), and in view of the terrible lawlessness that befell us in Mario's absence, I can only assume this to be the work of someone totally disconnected from reality.

[14:25pm] Snapdragon didn't get The Shepherd & co.

14.00 Left room to go and bash some incompetents in Sidney Sussex
14.05 Returned to room to pick up list of said incompetents
14.20 Entered Sidney Sussex college
14.25 Found one of my required stairways
14.26 Entry prevented by code-locked door
14.40 Got bored of loitering with intent
14.50 Foiled by more door locks, decided to go to Games and Puzzles
15.20 Returned home to do some work

[15:20pm] Hylas the Nymph Pimp nearly killed Commando

At about 3.20pm today a second attempt was made against my life and this time it was personal.

On being unable to withstand the persistent noise torture of the buzzer I collected a gun and ventured outside my room checking the route for hiding places. On reaching the door to the staircase I saw this innocent student holding a pad of paper and he asked me my name I said yes and then decided to be friendly and turned the handle opening the door a few degrees. before I got it a third open i saw this evil gun appear round the pad and pulled the door to and leapt back as he continued withdraing this long item so he could turn it on me.

He got a couple of bands to hit the inside of the frame and fall inside when someone came up behind him and I standing behind a locked door again retreated to my room expecting to be out ranged when this second person opened the door.

No more mr nice guy.

This was heavily contested by Hylas the Nymph Pimp, but since they are unable to raech any form of agreement as to what happened, I am forced to declare Commando alive. Hopefully he won't be staying incompetent for very long...

[16:00pm] Organised Crime Liason Officer Avada blew up Stephen McIntosh (qqzm)

I had a letterbomb lying around and couldn't be bothered to make a better one, so I left it in qqzm's pigeonhole with his name on it at 8:40 this morning. I suppose there's a chance he'll think it's just poisoned. If he doesn't read the news. His pigeonhole's shared and his house is locked, what's a girl to do?

About 16:00: I entered the Porter's lodge to check my mail. I find a very suspicious envelope in my pigeonhole. I was just glancing at my other mail and thinking what to do with the letter, when unfortunately it spontaneously detonates without me having to even open the damn thing, killing myself and two innocent bystanders.

I then opened it to discover the follwoing note inside...

"Hello. You don't know me, but I just tried to blow you up. :)
Have a nice day!
Styx, Private Investigator, Wages of Sin, Miss Gnomial, Polyploid and Special Agent Avada.
There are no mafias in Cambridge!!!
P.S. I'm Matt Garrett really."

It was a very nice letter bomb, with intricate construction that must have taken hours to prepare.
The porters also found it very amusing.

It seems that the innocent bystanders were just slightly shaken, and will be fine.

[16:30pm] Sophie and Jenny Hellfire nearly got Elton the dancing crocodile

I was stood by my neighbours door chatting when I heard voices on the corridor. I spied two female assassins standing outside my room, pondering if I was in or not, for I had music on. Realising how poorly armed I was I ducked into my friends room. They enquired after me, but my associate said I had gone out. All the while I had been cunningly crafting knives out of various bits of stationary. I peeped through the peephole, and saw that they had guns; my knives would be no match for them! So I ran away!

They gave chase, firing, but I was not hit. I lost them in the labyrinth that I call home, and cautiously doubled back to arm myself properly. Then, band gun at the ready I cautiously investigated.

But they had fled into the night! (or more accurately, day!)

They will be back, and next time I will be a much better host...

Jenny Hellfire:

Sophie and I decided to team up for an afternoon's carnage in order to escape essays, spend quality time and rescue ourselves from incompetence. We set out from college at three towards the abodes of our targets. Our murderous designs were thwarted at our first two stops by poor geography and overenthusiastic college security.

Not to be deterred we set off for Queens', in search of Sophie's target. From his room came loud (and worryingly cheesy) music. We knocked firmly on his door and, on getting no reply we asked his whereabouts from some people outside one of the other rooms. On being told they hadn't seen him, we decided to burst in through his open door. Nothing. Damn.

Shuffling noises emerged from the room the bystanders had disappeared into, drawing our attention. We had barely begun to move towards it and draw our weapons, when the target burst out with what appeared to be a makeshift weapon. We fired! He scarpered! We chased!

We lost him. Grrrrrr.

[16:49pm] Penguin was being silly

Hearing clunking noises outside my room, I leapt out and viciously shot my neighbour's vacuum cleaner. I do apologise, and will lend him my dustpan and brush. Luckily I didn't hit the neighbour.

[17:00pm] The Blue Scream of Death didn't poison The Chameleon

I survived another poisoned letter attempt thanks to my trusty gloves.

[17:20pm] Jenny Hellfire tried to get Lethal Tangerine

We moved on. On knocking on my target's door, we were told to come in. It was too simple. He was waiting inside. Water and rubber bands whizzed through the air. Lethal Tangerine and I both emerged from the encounter with wounded limbs and so we nursed the wounds and shared assassins strories over a drink and a biscuit. It was all rather civilized really.

I was quietly minding my own business in my room when there was a confident knock at the door. However, when the door opened, I found myself staring at the wrong end of a gun attached to none other than Jenny Hellfire. I started firing, and although I secured a good hit to the shoulder, I was unable to finish her off. My elbow hurt a little, but apart from that I seemed to be alive, and after a brief but pleasant discussion with my would-be killer, mainly involving the finer points of microwaves, Jenny Hellfire departed to wreak havoc across the city, and probably kill a few people while she was at it.

[18:20pm] PC Vash & co. tried to get Fred and Matthew Lohse

Mario, Marwood and I called by Pembroke earlier today, to find that a certain incompetent Andrew Bisgrove wasn't home. However as we were standing by getting ready his neighbour/room mate stopped by her room. We could see that his door was unlocked, however his neighbour wouldn't let us in. At this point we heard shouting and saw people running towards the staircase, so we retreated. We were stopped suddenly by what we believe to be a porter and intterogated. Then we left, only to fail to gain addmitance to see Matt Lohse when a very ingenious scheme went wrong....

I have noticed that a group apparently attempted to get to me yesterday evening. It must have gone horribly wrong because I remained completely unaware of it until seeing it on the web. You didn't even try my intercom. I would wish you better luck next time but I wouldn't mean it.

[23:45pm] PC Morse didn't get to PC Big Gary

Today a séance held in a particularly boring maths lecture was given the following message transmitted as a sequence of knocks on the underside of a bench by spirits believed to be the shades of gone over assassins of the CLAWS mafia;

.--. --- .-.. .. -.-. . / .-. . .--. --- .-. - ---... / --- ..-. ..-. .. -.-. . .-. ---... / .--. -.-. / -- --- .-. ... . / - .. -- . ---... / ..--- ...-- .-.-.- ....- ..... / .-.. --- -.-. .- - .. --- -. ---... / -.-. --- .-. .-. .. -.. --- .-. / --- ..- - ... .. -.. . / . .---- ...-- / ... - / -.-. .- - .... .- .-. .. -. . .----. ... / -.-. --- .-.. .-.. . --. . / -.-. .- -- -... .-. .. -.. --. . / -.. . - .- .. .-.. ... ---... / .. -. ..-. --- .-. -- .- - .. --- -. / .-- .- ... / .-. . -.-. .. . ...- . -.. / .-.. . .- -.. .. -. --. / -- --- .-. ... . / - --- / -... . .-.. .. . ...- . / - .... .- - / .- -. / .. -. -.-. --- -- .--. . - . -. - / .--. --- .-.. .. -.-. . / --- ..-. ..-. .. -.-. . .-. / .-.. .. ...- . -.. / .. -. / - .... .. ... / .-. --- --- -- / -.--.- -. --- - / --- -. .-.. -.-- / .- / -... .-.. .. --. .... - / ..- .--. --- -. / - .... . / --. --- --- -.. / -. .- -- . / --- ..-. / - .... . / ..-. --- .-. -.-. . / -... ..- - / --- -. / - .... . / -. .- -- . / --- ..-. / - .... .. ... / --. .-. . .- - / -.-. --- .-.. .-.. . --. . -.--.- .-.-.- / .... .- ...- .. -. --. / .- ... -.-. . .-. - .- .. -. . -.. / - .... . / ... ..- ... .--. . -.-. - ... / .--. .-. . ... . -. . -.-. . / .. -. / - .... . / ... .- .. -.. / .-. --- --- -- / - .... . / --- ..-. ..-. .. -.-. . .-. / .--. .-. . .--. .- .-. . -.. / - --- / .--. .-.. .- -.-. . / .- / ... -- .- .-.. .-.. / -... --- -- -... / --- -. / - .... . / ... .- .. -.. / -.. --- --- .-. / ..- -. ..-. --- .-. - ..- -. .- - . .-.. -.-- / - .... . / ... ..- ... .--. . -.-. - / -... . -.-. .- -- . / .- .-- .- .-. . / --- ..-. / - .... .. ... / .- -. -.. / .- / ... - .- -. -.. --- ..-. ..-. / . -. ... ..- . -.. .-.-.- / - .... . / -.-. .- ... . / .-. . -- .- .. -. ... / --- .--. . -. / .- -. -.. / ..-. ..- .-. - .... . .-. / .- -.-. - .. --- -. / .-- .. .-.. .-.. / -... . / - .- -.- . -. .-.-.- / -- --- .-. ... .

Experts in the supernatural believe this translates as the following message from the spirit world:

Police Report:

Officer: PC Morse

Time and Date: 23.45 Saturday 9th February

Location: Corridor outside E13, St Catharine's College, Cambridge

Details: Information was recieved leading Morse to believe that an incompetent police officer lived in this room (not only a blight upon the good name of the force but on the name of this great college). Having ascertained the suspects presenece in the said room the officer prepared to place a small bomb on the said door unfortunately the suspect became aware of this and a standoff ensued. The case remains open and further action will be taken.


PC Big Gary:

Morse also visited me last night with the object of mining the door, only to be discovered and being forced to back off from ensuing stand off. The entertaining point from that episode being that I was unarmed at the time having left all my weapons behind in the library.


Sunday, 10 February

[01:00am] PC Vash tried to bomb PC Big Gary

left a 1.8m blast radius bomb for the police incompetent. Will he survive the second bomb of the week? Early on a sunday morning....only time will tell.

CoP issues comprehensive rebuttal

Esteemed citizens,

In response to the recent accusations of corruption by an 'anonymous assassin', I feel it is my duty to expose those claims as false, giving solid evidence to demonstrate it (unlike the attacker, who bases his accusations on a few unconnected and out-of-context sentences).

First of all, it is a blatant lie that I 'admitted being corrupt to Simon Ford' during the Monday evening stand-off. I stated very clearly that I had had contact with Ford, who is a law-abiding citizen, and had put me in touch with Ed Clayton, currently CAttAC: a man of honour and a true asset to the Police Force {{For the record, I have not had contact with Ford since, save for a brief email and two shared lectures}}. Not only that, but I also offered both the Caius and the Binford groups a peaceful and good-spirited co-operation in the future, which they rejected offhand. In fact, I was held at gunpoint for much of the meeting.

Secondly, below is the entirety of the email I sent to Kirika and has been quoted as supposedly evidence of my 'corruption' - note the date, it is four days before she became wanted. The message was actually part of a conversation in which I commended her for supporting the SWAT team in the raid on wanted criminal Jeff K, whom she personally shot in an act of bravery and selflessness.

To: Kirika
Date: Tue 29th Jan, 00:37

I've just realised where that came from - I forwarded your original message to my trusted contact in Emmanuel college (nothing to do with the Emmafia, of course) when requesting backup for the operation. This was then forwarded to PC *** *********, who would've shown up with some pretty heavy weaponry hadn't he unfortunately had another commitment at the time.

My apologies if this causes you any inconvenience, but worry not, for only trusted and loyal people know of our co-operation. As for your mafia's survival, I can tell you the following:

-Caius and Binford are actually working together, and indeed allied with other smaller mafias, and seem to be about to reach critical mass; ie, they're getting powerful enough that soon they'll be their own worst enemy.
-The Emmafia has been crippled quite severely in today's rampage against them (and no, they're not responsible for the Ed Wallace murder), and are at the moment in desperate need of trustworthy allies if they're to stand a chance against the Caius/Binford giant.

In all honesty, I doubt the Emmafia is going to make it if it doesn't receive some pretty good help, so it's almost like knowingly backing the losing horse. On the other hand, Caius/Binford are unlikely to be even remotely interested in allying with you, especially considering they have (between them) pretty much all the players in the game as targets.

While I'm not openly backing either of the two mobs, I do have more sympathy towards (and better contacts inside) Emma, and should you desire making a deal with them, I'm sure I could intercede in your favour, and make sure the pact is honoured - at least as long as I live.

And yes, I've seen Noir... pretty amazingly good, although somewhat too cheesy for my taste. Long live Akira =)

Gen. Colin Powell

Hardly incriminating, you'll agree.

Later that week, Kirika became wanted for murder and went on a killing spree. After a long stakeout, Kirika agreed to a duel during the course of which she got killed. The forensics team then inspected her computer system and found out that, in the brief period during which she was wanted, she had been contacted by a former criminal (redeemed under strange circumstances), who had not only suggested a list of targets for Kirika but also given her information on how to find them. The email is reproduced below (with the list edited out for obvious reasons).

From: Kirika
Date: Sun 3rd Feb, 23:18

Copy of Bjorn's email:

I see you are wanted. As I am no longer in a position to do certain things, you might consider shooting some people. I've got a nice little list below with realname, college, pseudonym if known and where they live (if I know, but quite a few are on last term's wanted/police list anyway).

Have fun,

{{The remainder of the message has been erased to protect the identities of players. It is a list of no less than 30 people, including at least one innocent non-player, and containing information such as pseudonyms, colleges, and addresses.}}

Now, *this* is real incriminating evidence, don't you think?

As for the wanted criminal Carlos Ludlow-Palafox, you have failed to point out that this person lives far from Emma. In fact, he lives conspicuously close to certain Caius accommodation...

Dark times are approaching, so good luck and godspeed to you all.

Gen. Colin Powell

To this, I can only say: I think I prefer Akira, too.

[03:00am] PC Big Gary returned the favour to PC Vash

Returning in the early hours I had found another bomb attached to my door left by PC Vash, which was defused by the simple expedient of holding my keys over the detonator as I gently prised the bomb away from the door. I then transplanted the weapon to PC Vash's door (with a bit more oomph).

Note that this was not a valid attack.

PC Vash found and removed the result.

It was covered in contact poison. Unforutntely I had gloves on. So, no kill there.

[11:00am] Organised Crime Liason Officer Avada didn't bomb The Shepherd

7.35am Infiltrate Sussex House. Lay 2 litre bomb for Darren Price. Signed Gen. Powell, I think.

7.40am Red Leader, Red Leader, caught in geography trap! This place is an absolute maze, attempting to pull out. How the hell did I get in? Many many stairs to alarmed fire exits. Have run past target's room 3 times.

7.45am Found way out and went home to wait and see if I killed anyone.

Not this time:

After a mass bombing attempt on my college, everyone was on high alert, and I woke to find a bomb outside my room, which a friend had helpfully defused for me. Fortress Sidney is still strong, and laughs in the face of these attacks!

Note that this bomb was also defused by an innocent, something I am also against. I am quite likely to apply thye thunderbolt in Sidney if these innocents don't stop intefering...

[13:00pm] PC Dove found the body of Lewis Westbury (PC midnightBobbie)

myself and an accomplaice did visit PC midnightBobbie who opened his door to us, but upon discovering we were assassins claimed to have been killed by a poison pen letter. Since you are not allowed to lie about your corporeal status we left, and tried to visit Chocolate Cheesecake who wasn't in. Not a terribly successful morning all told....

Nice of him to mention his death to me...

I'm afraid he has recieved so many poisoned letters recently that I have no idea which killed him.

[13:00pm] Organised Crime Liason Officer Avada blew up Catherine Hall (U.N.C.L.E.'s Neice)

7.20am Go back to Sidney Sussex and successfully get into the college. The porter there knows my name, subject and the names of all my pets now.

7.23am Infiltrate Blundell House with great cunning. Proceed with initiative and caution! Two targets in area!

7.24am Security severely compromised, Red Leader! These stairs are creaking like hell! Abort mission?

Brings back memories, that does...

7.25am Proceed with courage and much deafening noise.

7.26am Lay 2 litre bomb outside Jamie Collinson's door I can't remember what that one was signed either. Labels getting unfortunately tatty.

7.27am Climb all those creaking stairs, Red Leader. There is nobody about at this hour.

7.28am Lay 2 litre bomb outside Catherine Hall's door. That one was signed, too.

7.29am Run away very fast.

Reluctantly I must report my own death, which came about due to an unfortunate encounter with a rather unpleasant bomb.

But the other survived:

This morning I awoke to find a bomb outside my door, which my friends (who attempted to defuse the bomb before I was up) tell me had no detonator. I still live!

[14:00pm] Flash Cougar didn't blow up Clownie

With the deadline fast approaching I have taken the decision to put a bomb in the pigeon hole of Clownie. Yes, I know I told you that last week, but this time I will, as soon as I've had a cup of coffee- say about 3.00pm?

It didn't appear to have any traces of phonebill left in it at all, so I'm assuming it's an old envelope of the assassins... Wonder where mine's got too? Ah well, I'm alive and kicking. Phonebills with suspicious bulges in them really aren't all that subtle...

[15:15pm] PC Vash and PC Leader of the Free Wrold didn't bash Fred

...via sideny sussex where they found circa 1445 that it was difficult to walk trhough locked doors. Proceeding to Pembroke (circa 1515), we knocked for Andrew Bisgrove, to find that neither he nor his room-mate/neighbour were in. Returning to Sidney we gained access to R staircase and knocked for PC midnightBobbie circa 1535, no answer. We went home, or at least to G&P.

PC midnightBobbie was dead at the time, of course...

[16:30pm] The Rabbi was the trigger-man for an illegal attempt on Private Investigator

A friend of mine walks into the library with someone I have never seen before. My friend announces that he is an old school acquaintance looking for some people to assassinate. I and the man to my left (the Shepherd) are on his list. After some banter we agree to help the fool. We lead him to the Shepherd's door, who mysteriously is not in. As we took him down the stairs towards my room, the Shepherd, the Rabbi and accomplice Nikesh unloaded into him simultaneously with water and rubber band guns. The hapless fool was Private Investigator.

Hopefully this will inspire more respect in those who would attack Fortress Sidney.

Since your friend was a corpse, deliberatly leading Private Investigator into an ambush, in clear contravention of the rules and spirit of the game, you are lucky that I am doing nothing worse than anulling the event.

Fortress Sidney will start to attract thunderbolts if it keeps breaching rules like this.

I privately investigated Sidney Sussex college today. I first went to Lewis Westbury's room (PC midnightBobbie) and saw him coming. He wouldn't talk. He denied all knowledge, even denied he was a cop until I showed hinm the incompetence list. I shot him. For a fatally wounded man he looked surprisingly indifferent and offered to show me where the other incompetents' rooms were. The other incompetents were Darren Price, Jamie Collinson and Catherine Hall. We first went to the library where some enthusiastic friends of his offered to join in. They were working but wanted a break, papers and a bottle of water were on the table. We went outside. They shot me. About 12 times. Lewis introduced me to Darren, Jamie and Catherine, his enthusiastic friends. While we discussed it afterwards, I noticed a label on the bottle of water on the table: BOMB. A clue to the investigation. I think this may not be legal since it was a corpse that led me to his friends, even though I was very gullible to believe him. A new private investigation must begin, into the death of the Private Investigator.

Most definatly not legal. You live.

[17:15pm] Organised Crime Liason Officer Avada finally eliminated Carlos Ludlow-Palafox (Lobo)

The CAttAC has been accused of corruption for not killing people in his college, despite the fact that they live miles away in houses, so an elite SWAT team consisting of the CAttAC and the OCLO decided to go and sort them out.

We visited Carlos Ludlow-Palafox. His fortress was said to be impregnable, but we gained entrance using our climbing skills, so no more! There were suspicious noises and unidentified people inside, and we feared for our lives and hid in a linen closet, realising that any and all might be assassins.

A character fitting the description provided by our agents slunk past with his hands in his pockets. The CAttAC leapt out and pointed several guns at him menacingly, demanding to know his identity.

But the person wouldn't tell us, and we almost despaired of being sure of the correct identification required for police action, when he pulled out a gun and took a wild, desperate shot which hit Cath Een in the left arm. Avada then mowed him down with a small machine-gun, and we fled the dangerous scene of carnage with our lives intact.

[17:45pm] PC Cath Een then got Elisa Barcellos (Barney)

Elisa Barcellos also lived safe and sound, above the ground, in a locked house beside the Cam. Well, she used to... but we got in there from the waterside and attacked her in her home. She was shot by the CAttAC, her dying breaths mentioning known terrorists who shall be very angry with us for this day's work.

Then we headed for Trinity to have a go at Alex "The Killer Mind in a Gorgeous Body" Angel. She lives in a set, which we thought would cause complications, so we left... for the moment.

In Sidney Sussex we were surprised to see two known non-local dangerous people, moving furtively. The setup was all too suspicious, so we ran away.

[18:00pm] Razmatazz fed Andrew Bisgrove (Fred) to his pet

Today my panther explained to me thta she was sick of cat food and that she needed proper meat, a zebra or even better human meat. That's why, I went to Pembroke in order to offer my pet a decent meal.

I knocked at Andrew Bisgrove's door, he aked who I was. I mumbled something and he opened the door.

My panther rather disappointed not to have the pleasure of hunting her food, jumped on him and with a lethal bite removed elegantly the head from her lunch.

I waited until she finished and then we went away.

[18:05pm] Robert Ludlum killed three innocents

While enjoying dinner, one "alleged" innocent who had previously threatened Robert Ludlum (by announcing plans to join the police force and then stab Ludlum in the back) looked at him funny and pretended to draw a weapon. Being safe, Ludlum stabbed him in the chest as well as two bystanders who had made similar threats in the past. Alas, none were in fact police officers so I seem to have killed 3 innocents without good cause. Ludlum then proceeded to enjoy a nice meal despite the three corpses on the table. Please note that this action on my part is in no way an attempt to out do PC Potato and I do not intend to make daily repeats of said action.

[19:30pm] Kal and Phoenix were outsmarted by Clownie


Tonight Phoenix and myself went to kill Clownie, we knocked on the open door then proceeded to open it. Someone then leant hard on it form the other side. I assumed it was Clownie so pushed harder, Just as I was nearly in the occupant of the room shouted loudly in an angry voice "I'm not Clownie, I wish people would stop f**king doing this." She then informed us that Clownie was at an LBG meeting, we proceeded to it, it was busily in session so we left. We have sources in the LBG community, so we will track Clownie down and fill her body with bloody holes.


Tonight, at about 30 minutes past the hour of seven, my esteemed colleague Kal and I did go to the shadowy towers of Queens' for to bring cold death upon our joint (how convenient) target there. We crept, silent as cats up toward her door, and did spy that it was slightly open. Arming ourselves, we approached the door and Kal did knock upon it, there was no answer, we waited...the wind moaned, a small shrub did roll gently by yet still no answer, Kal pushed gently on the door and suddenly it had the audacity to push back! We both pushed harder, suspecting that our target was trying to outrun death's grasp, when an extremely irritated voice yelled out from behind the door something along the lines of: "I'm not Clownie, she's gone out, for f**k's sake stop trying to kill me!" We hastily apologised and feeling rather guilty, (for if you recall, we did burst in on this room mate before when Fluffy Bunny was trying to kill Clownie) left. We are aware that sally was at an LBG meeting and we have contacts in the LBG community...be careful, my dear, we will find you... and with a bit of luck we might manage to kill you this time :)

Then again, perhaps a little cynicism, too. Oh, and no physical violence (this includes forcing doors, and grabbing weapons).

Foolishly having left my door ajar I heard a knock, and saw an unfamiliar face through the spyhole A struggle ensued - I desperately tried to push the door closed, as they tried to push it open. They were stronger. Unarmed and desperate, the following conversation let me survive:

"Will you stop trying to kill me! My roommates not here - I'm pig sick of this"
"Well, will you just come out here so we can look at you then - we know what you're supposed to look like"
(Still cowering behind door desperately trying to close it...)
"Oh, for crying out loud, she's at an LBG video in old kitchens!"

And they went away!?!?! Even funnier in that none of the above is a lie in any way at all.... I'm still expecting a bomb or another attack in ten minutes though...

But it was not to come. They just went home, instead.

[19:50pm] PC Leader of the Free World and PC Hamburgler removed Jenna Spellane (Alex "The Killer Mind in a Gorgeous Body" Angel)

Today, while searching New Court for a place of residence for next year, I bumped into PC Hamburglar, who said I was just the person he was looking for. On several previous occasions, he had proposed the idea of getting into a target's room by pretending to be looking for a room for ourselves. What better opportunity to do so than when we genuinely were both looking for rooms, and had the room ballot sheets to prove it?

We ascended the staircase, being careful to make lots of trivial comments like "the showers are nice aren't they?" A search of CIA records had found a picture of her. When we got to the room, we found that it contained two people, one of whom was talking on a mobile phone. Oh, and the door was wide open. As the target walked past her door, I followed her into the room, knowing her back would be turned. It seemed almost too easy. Afterwards she praised our resourcefulness in finding her photofit records and the effectiveness of our disguise (saying she had previously been paranoid of people claiming to be interested in accomodation). The credit for both these must go to my accomplice.

I am gratified to know that hardworking Americans everywhere can sleep safely in their beds knowing that this incompetent has been removed.

Leader Of The Free World

But of course.

Being the time of year when all the Trinity second years look rooms to choose for next year, I came up with a remarkably cunning plan to trick our way into Alex "The Killer Mind in a Gorgeous Body" Angel's room. I'd bumped into PC Leader of the Free World just outside, who was actually genuinely looking for rooms at the time, and suggested we get the incompetent. She'd killed Archangel Michael, a fellow member of a non-existent mafia, the week before, so there was a high price on her head, and a price of £435.81 for the room (£1.80 cheaper than the same room below). We discussed the merits of the staircase as we walked up, noting the small kitchen, the bath on the ground floor (not suitable for hiding in), and the lack of spyholes - not really suitable for would-be assassins. On the other hand, it did overlook the entrance to the staircase, so fleeing assassins would need to open umbrellas, and it was large enough to provide relative safety from bombs. Being incompetent though, she didn't even bother closing her door, so PC Leader of the Free World walked in and shot her first, while I provided back-up. I'll be looking to choose somewhere safer.

[22:00pm] PC Potato waited for The Shepherd

This evening, I did go hunting, to Sidney Sussex to remove the most incompetent Darren Price. Arriving at 22.00, I managed to get past the fiendish device at the bottom of his staircase and I positioned myseld in a room near his - from where I could see his door perfectly.

I readied my RBG in sure knowledge that he would have to go the toilet soon, hence leaving his room.

At 23.20, I startled someone who tried to come into the same room - and after mumbling apologies, I left.

So, I wasted an hour and twenty minutes. The Shepherd was either having an early night, or a late night, but not a sensible night, which would have involved either leaving or entering his room at some point.

SRCF funding appeal

Given how heavily dependant the Assassins Guild is on the SRCF facilities, I have posted this on their behalf:

The SRCF has used the same computer since its foundation approaching three years ago. We've succeeded beyond our wildest dreams in being able to help nearly 500 people and over 150 societies with an effective free service.

Unfortunately, our success has reached the point where our current hardware is unable to support our users adequately and so we're going to have to upgrade it. If we can raise £600 (that is, if every member were to donate about a pound) we would be able to purchase a system that should last us at least another three years. So far, we have received several generous donations which are putting us well on the way to achieving this - with luck, we will also receive some money from the societies syndicate.

Thanks to the generosity of people donating to the SRCF last year, we were able to buy a new backup device to keep pace with the increased space requirements. If we can succeed as well again, the SRCF will be in a position to carry on supporting our users even as their requirements expand and to offer new features that are infeasible with our existing resources. Again, donating is unlikely to bring you fame, glory or power, but this time whoever gives the largest donation will be given the opportunity to name the machine. That doesn't mean that we don't want smaller donations - quite literally every single pound helps us make sure that we can purchase a machine that won't slow down to a crawl every time somebody tests their CGI scripts for the first time or somebody needs to run Java.

We're aiming to be able to purchase a dual CPU machine, probably a dual P-III running at around 1GHz in order to reduce the chance of a single process compromising other people's ability to use the machine. Since memory has generally been the limiting factor with our existing hardware, the new system will have at least a gigabyte. Large quantities of disk space (somewhere in the region of 100GB) will ensure that we can continue to allow users and societies to have sufficient space on the system to fulfil their needs. We expect that this machine will be enough to fulfil the SRCF's requirements for several years.

If you want to donate, please send a cheque payable to "The Student-Run Computing Facility" to the SRCF's junior treasurer, Robert Beattie (treasurer@srcf.ucam.org), by post or ICMS to

Robert Beattie,
Trinity College,
Cambridge CB2 1TQ

If you have some unwanted hardware you think we might find useful, then we're quite possibly interested - get in touch with sysadmins@srcf.ucam.org to see whether it's something we could do with.

Monday, 11 February

[03:00am] PC Morse finally removed Richard Nicklin (PC Big Gary)

Late at night in the dark deserted windswept streets of Cambridge around the church of St and King Edwards a ghostly figure was seen to write in blood upon a gravestone the following message

.--. --- .-.. .. -.-. . / .-. . .--. --- .-. - ---... / --- ..-. ..-. .. -.-. . .-. ---... / .--. -.-. / -- --- .-. ... . / -.. .- - . / .- -. -.. / - .. -- . ---... / ----- ...-- .-.-.- ----- ----- / -- --- -. -.. .- -.-- / .---- .---- - .... / ..-. . -... .-. ..- .- .-. -.-- / .-.. --- -.-. .- - .. --- -. ---... / -.-. --- .-. .-. .. -.. --- .-. / --- ..- - ... .. -.. . / . .---- ...-- / ... - / -.-. .- - .... .- .-. .. -. . .----. ... / -.-. --- .-.. .-.. . --. . --..-- / -.-. .- -- -... .-. .. -.. --. . / -.. . - .- .. .-.. ... ---... / .-. . ... --- .-.. ...- .. -. --. / - --- / ..-. .. -. .- .-.. .-.. -.-- / -.-. --- -- -- .. - / -.. .. -.-. ... .. .--. .-.. .. -. .- .-. -.-- / .- -.-. - .. --- -. / .- --. .- .. -. ... - / --- -. . / --- ..-. / - .... . / ..-. --- .-. -.-. . ... / .-.. . .- ... - / -.-. --- -- .--. . - . -. - / .- -. -.. / -- --- ... - / .-. . .--. ..- --. -. .- -. - / -- . -- -... . .-. ... / .- / -- .- -. --..-- / .-- .... --- / .... .- ... / .-. . .--. . .- - . -.. .-.. . -.-- / .-.. .- ..- --. .... . -.. / .. -. / - .... . / ..-. .- -.-. . ... / --- ..-. / .... --- -. . ... - / .--. --- .-.. .. -.-. . / -- --- .-. ... . / .-- .- ... / ..-. --- .-. -.-. . -.. / .. -. - --- / .- -.-. - .. --- -. .-.-.- / -.- -. --- .-- .. -. --. / .... .. ... / - .- .-. --. . - / - --- / .-- --- .-. -.- / .-.. .- - . / .... . / ... . - / --- ..- - / .- - / .- / - .. -- . / .-- .... . -. / .... . / - .... --- ..- --. .... - / . ...- . -. / -... .. --. / --. .- .-. -.-- / .-- --- ..- .-.. -.. / -... . / .- ... .-.. . . .--. / .-- .. - .... / .- / .-.. .- .-. --. . / -... --- -- -... / - --- / .--. .-.. .- -. - / --- -. / --. .- .-. -.-- .----. ... / -.. --- --- .-. .-.-.- / - .... . / -... --- -- -... / .-- .- ... / .- / .---- .-.-.- ---.. ..... .-.. / ... .. -. --. .-.. . / -.. . - --- -. .- - --- .-. / .- ..-. ..-. .- .. .-. / . -..- .--. . -.-. - . -.. / - --- / .-.. . .- ...- . / .- / .-- .... --- .-.. . / .. -. / - .... . / ..-. .-.. --- --- .-. / -... ..- - / .--. .-. --- -... .- -... .-.. -.-- / -- .. ... ... / --. .- .-. -.-- / -.. ..- . / - --- / - .... . / ... - .-. .. -. --. / ..-. --- .-. / --- .--. . -. .. -. --. / -.. --- --- .-. / -.. . ..-. . -. -.-. . / .- -. -.. / - .... . / .-.. .. -- .. - ... / - .... .- - / -- -.-- / --- .- - .... / - --- / .--. .-. --- - . -.-. - / - .... . / .. -. -. --- -.-. . -. - / -.-. .. ...- .. .-.. .. .- -. ... / --- ..-. / -.-. .- -- -... .-. .. -.. --. . / .--. ..- - / --- -. / -... --- -- -... / ... .. --.. . .-.-.- / ..-. .- - . / .- -. -.. / - .... . / --. --- -.. ... / .-- . .-. . / .-- .. - .... / - .... . / .... --- -. . ... - / .--. --- .-.. .. -.-. . / - .... .. ... / ... - --- .-. -- -.-- / - .... . / -... --- -- -... / ..- -. . -..- .--. . -.-. - . -... .-.. . -.-- / -.. -.. . ...- . .-.. --- .--. . -.. / .- / .-.. . .- -.- / .-.. --- ... .. -. --. / .- .--. .--. .-. --- -..- .. -- .- - . .-.. -.-- / ----- .-.-.- --... .-.. / --- ..-. / .-.. .. --.- ..- .. -.. / . -..- .--. .-.. --- ... .. ...- . / .- -. -.. / -. . ... ... . -.-. .. - .- - .. -. --. / . -. - . .-. .. -. --. / .- / --. -.-- .--. / .-. --- --- -- / -. . .- .-. / - .... . / - .- .-. --. . - ... / -.. --- --- .-. / - --- / .-. . ..-. .. .-.. / .- -. -.. / .-. . .--. .- .. .-. / - .... . / ... .- -.. .. / -... --- -- -... .-.-.- / .. -. ..-. --- .-. -- .- - .. --- -. / --. .. ...- . -. / - --- / - .... . / .--. --- .-.. .. -.-. . / .-- .- ... / .--. .-. --- ...- . -. / ..-. .- ..- .-.. - -.-- / .-- .... . -. / .- .-. --- ..- -. -.. / - .... . / -.-. --- .-. -. . .-. / - .... . / ... --- ..- -. -.. / --- ..-. / .- / -.. --- --- .-. / --- .--. . -. .. -. --. / .- -. -.. / -.-. .-.. --- ... .. -. --. / .-- .- ... / .... . .- .-. -.. --..-- / -.. .-. .- .-- .. -. --. / .... .. ... / ... . .-. ...- .. -.-. . / .-. . ...- --- .-.. ...- . .-. / -- --- .-. ... . / ... .-.. .. .--. .--. . -.. / -... .- -.-. -.- / .. -. - --- / - .... . / -.-. --- .-. .-. .. -.. --- .-. / - --- / ... . . / -... .. --. / --. .- .-. -.-- / .-- .- .-.. -.- / .-. --- ..- -. -.. / - .... . / -.-. --- .-. -. . .-. / ..- -. .- .-. -- . -.. / .- -. -.. / ..- -. ... ..- ... .--. . -.-. - .. -. --. .-.-.- / - .... . / .--- ..- -.. --. -- . -. - / .-- .- ... / .-. . .- -.-. .... . -.. / .- -. -.. / - .... . / ... . -. - . -. -.-. . / .-- .- ... / -.. . .- - .... / - .... .-. . . / -... ..- .-.. .-.. . - ... / --.- ..- .. -.-. -.- .-.. -.-- / .--. .. . .-. -.-. . -.. / - .... . / -.-. .... . ... - / --- ..-. / - .... .. ... / -- --- ... - / .. -. -.-. --- -- .--. . - . -. - / -- . -- -... . .-. / --- ..-. / --- ..- .-. / ..-. --- .-. -.-. . / .-- .... --- / -.. .. . -.. / .-- .... .. ... .--. . .-. .. -. --. / - .... . / .-- --- .-. -.. ... / .-..-. -.. .- -- -. --..-- / -.-- --- ..- / ..-. .. -. .- .-.. .-.. -.-- / --. --- - / -- . .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-..-. .-.-.- / -.-. .- ... . / -.-. .-.. --- ... . -.. .-.-.- / -- --- .-. ... .

before the ghostly blood disappeared the message was translated to read

Police Report:

Officer: PC Morse

Date and Time: 03.00 Monday 11th February

Location: Corridor outside E13 St Catharine's College, Cambridge

Details: Resolving to finally commit dicsiplinary action against one of the forces least competent and most repugnant members a man, who has repeatedley laughed in the faces of honest police Morse was forced into action. Knowing his target to work late he set out at a time when he thought even big gary would be asleep with a large bomb to plant on gary's door. The bomb was a 1.85l single detonator affair expected to leave a whole in the floor but probably miss PC Big Gary due to the string for opening door defence and the limits that my oath to protect the innocent civilians of cambridge put on bomb size. Fate and the gods were with the honest police this stormy the bomb unexpectebley ddeveloped a leak losing approximately 0.7l of liquid explosive and nessecitating entering a gyp room near the targets door to refil and repair the sadi bomb. Information given to the police was proven faulty when around the corner the sound of a door opening and closing was heard, drawing his service revolver morse slipped back into the corridor to see Richard Nicklin walk round the corner unarmed and unsuspecting. The judgment was reached and the sentence was death three bullets quickly pierced the chest of this most incompetent member of our force who died whispering the words "damn, you finally got me.....". Case Closed.


This official announcement by the CinC of Thug Ops. was made earlier today outside St. Catharine's College.

"I regret to announce the demise of PC Big Gary this morning at approximately 3.00am, at the hands of PC Morse. Big Gary, having holed up in the library for security reasons (like the coward that he was) had briefly returned to his room at around 2.50am in order to retrieve a set of notes for study in the aforementioned library. Having spied no opposition on approach to his room, Gary left his weapon holstered whilst returning to the library, only to be ambushed by PC Morse whilst en route, who fired four rounds into him at close range. Gary's final words as he fell are reported to have been "ya got me Kinkade". PC Morse, in transpires had originally been planning an orthodox bombing attack on the incompetant officer, "I expected that even he would be asleep at that time of night" was the astonished officer's comment.

Gary had achieved some notoriety in the preceeding five days by defusing two bombs, surviving one dud, conducting a controlled detonation of a fourth, evading contact poisoning on two occasions, bluffing his way out of an attempting bombing, bluffing through attempted an shooting and evading interception on several occasions. Gary had in fact stated to friends just hours before that he was becoming "perturbed" by the frequent assaults."

[07:15am] Crippled Son of a Bureaucrat refrained from confronting PC Potato

It seems PC Potato is spending way too much time being corrupt and munching donuts instead of building his character and educating himself in the finer points of Law, so I tried to leave him an improving book this morning at 7.15. However, this sincere show of goodwill was foiled by the ungrateful boy, who had apparently set a bomb at his corridor door. I suggest our valiant SWAT team starts investing on some string...

[09:30am] Sir Sven O'Bjornchester Samuel J. McHolzhauer Yirteen-blimps-ahoy! Wilson blew up Abdollah Ghavami (Proeliator)

Proeliator has been assassinated by two letter bombs which he opened within seconds of eachother. The first was by Dr Boham and the second unknown.

The letter I sent to Ghavami was signed Dr Boham, but was definitely poisoned, not explosive. Is this one mine? *grin*

I guess so... Possibly Leek & Safe for exploding poison, too.

[12:00pm] Omega finished his business with Ric Brackenbury  (The Wages Of Sin, Electric Jellybaby, Lethal Tangerine)

Those who are rather too obsessed with the game and read everything in far too much detail may remember an encounter between myself and Ric Brackenbury . Knowing that he now knew what I looked like and would soon be able to have me removed, I decided to act. He had let slip his subject, always a bad idea, and so I joined some friends in the lectures and looked around for him. At the end, I cunningly walked out of the lecture theatre straight past him with him not noticing. I then waited for him to leave.

I shot him once with my pocket rocket; his dieing words were "did that hit?". As I am a kind person at heart and wished to ensure his end was as painless as possible, I then shot him with a gun several times, to make sure he wasn't suffering from merely an agonising fleshwound.

I mourn for the death of the master assassin that was able to dispose of Taz, something Mario and the entire SWAT team appeared to have a lot of trouble with. Possibly they should remember that ground floor rooms have rear windows.

Between lectures this morning, I briefly went outside to buy a bar of chocolate from the machine. Unfortunately it turned out to be a very expensive bar, Death by Chocolate no less. For as I was waiting in the queue, I see none other than Omega coming towards me with a gun pointed at me. He said he didn't do my subject when I defended against him at the weekend, but I was correct in suspecting a lie. However I didn't act on it, and all of a sudden reality faded-it was just me against him. He fired, point-blank, and somehow missed. I was rather stunned at this, as not even Adi Akinbiyi could have missed with that, and as a result of my shock at still being alive, he pulled out another gun, and lacerated my chest tastefully. Surprisingly, no-one felt like chocolate any more.

However, Extremis lives on, and there are plenty of unpaid wages to be paid. Cheques will be distributed in the near future...

[12:25pm] Robert Ludlum is a better shot than Philip Bustin (PC Mabel)

Robert Ludlum enters college, preparing to eat lunch.

Ludlum enters a dimly lit stairwell (really quite well lit but that doesn't set as good a scene). He and
PC Mabel spot each other at the same time and both proceed to draw weapons. In a detached corner or his mind Ludlum is disappointed to note that Philip Bustin draws his weapon faster, perhaps he needs to start carrying his RBG in a holster? PC Mabel gets off the first shot but it is poorly aimed and misses. Ludlum's training takes over, his first shot hits PC Mabel in the arm. PC Mabel's second shot likewise misses (both had endeavoured to open the range). Ludlum, however, placed two rubber bands into PC Mabel's heart, causing instant death. Ludlum retrieves his ammo and moves on, leaving behind the corpse of yet another person foolish enough to attempt to betray him.

[12:30pm] PC Edith the Sociopathic Hutt killed some more innocents

Meh, couldn't be arsed to kill an innocent yesterday so I killed the following today:

Talfan Barney - Clare
Simon Hunt - Clare (I think)
A girl whose name escapes me for the moment but I tell her she looks terrible every morning in lectures, I think she was once part of the Pembroke mafia in a previous game or something.


ps. please pass on to Mr Potato that it seems he and I will not be able to have a shootout tomorrow as our timetables seem incompatable, tell him I'll go and bomb Emma instead.

[13:00pm] Yak tried to find The Small Canteloupe

What with the imcompetency deadline coming up, i thought i'd go incompetant bashing. First to Binson (RoBinson) to get Chocolate Cheesecake. Several locked doors barred my way, so with a ho-hum iwent happily off to Sydney (I mean Sidney - the assassins hasn't caused me to flee the country just yet...) wher two unsuspecting targets (The Shepherd and Elegant under 40) were unlocatable and no in respectivly. Desparing i had a go at on of my targets, The Small Canteloupe, but again, i couldn't find a way to get at his room! Desperate now to make this a constructive missed lecture, i went for the dangerous ************, only to find him not in! Note to self - some people actually go to lectures :(

[17:30pm] PC Dove was part of a SWAT team who attacked Robert Ludlum

At about 5.30 ( i htink) PC Dove, PC dreamer, Organised Crime Liason Officer Avada, and a couple of others went to rid the world of Matthew Lohse. We failed. Although i am slightly concerned taht the CoP asked me, in particualar, to open a door suspected to be bombed, I'm sure it's because i was the first police officer to hand. Anyhow, we vowed to meet up later and rid the world of evil. Robert Ludlum beware...

Also present: PC Vash

Having broken into two strategic groups, one of which efficently suceeded in gaining access while the other went to look at the matric photo.

we then proceeded to the targets room, Where we traded insults and worried the neighbours for a time. We then decided that he wasn't going to be coming out. We tried to open the door, to no effect. As we were leaving the building some stray and ineffectual shots were fired at us from upon high.
They didn't work.
Lohse, remember, we WILL kill you.

The SWAT team just paid me a visit, led by the CoP and the OCLO. I am impressed by the amount of intelligence information they managed to gather on me and must determine the location of the leak. Despite their requests to leave the safety of my room or to engage any of them (my guess is 4 total) in a duel I respectfully declined their suggested format. They in turn rejected my suggested duel format. This seemed a breach of protocol as I assumed that the challenged party (me) was supposed to determine the protocol to be followed.

Their attempt to enter my room failed (ahh, door locks). I was somewhat disturbed that they threatened to kill the innocents walking through the hall unless I emerged. That seemed very unsporting to me. They also claimed to have someone watching the doors of PC Phoenix Rebjoern, a foolish move as he wants me dead too. Otherwise, the 15 minute conversation proved quite enjoyable.

As they exited the building I opened fire from my window, possibly hitting one of the other PC's in the back but I could not tell and as the OCLO decided to return fire on my window I declined to find out. I assume that I failed to hit as my gun jammed after the third shot, and my first two shots fell short. Her one shot came nowhere near my window so alas I am still alive.

I have yet to check outside my door as they may have elected to camp there. They did inform me that they would return. Good for them.

You missed...

[19:50pm] NSA 4g3n7 Jeff K tried to remove Al "Quiche-eater"

There I was, dining on quiche with Pooh and Piglet in my small hovel of a room, when whom should knock upon my door, but fair Noddy Strumble - clearly unaware that this was my dining time, and visiting hours were from nine till six sharp. Well Piglet positively bounced about the room at the prospect of entertaining a guest, while Pooh sighed and tried to allocate himself a larger share of the honey. Certainly I was overjoyed that a visitor should come to my corner of the hundred-acre wood. Yet as I reached for the door I was stopped by the warning of wise and lonely Eeyore; "Beware!" said he, o wisest of sages, "beware the caller who is unexpected, and treat all with high paranoia! I have interoggated all of my guests thoroughly, and thus I live now; though I be of seven-score summers old." Well perhaps that's why Eeyore is so lonely, but I decided to check my peephole and lo! What did I behold but the dark staring eyes of the law. Panic gripped me, guilt for my crimes of incompetence, desperate repentance burst from my lips. "Calm down boy!" yelled Eeyore, alerting me to the fact that I was well-armed (my period of inactivity has not been without fruit) and that Noddy was not yet aware of my proximity: I could easily open the door and finish said lawman with my .45 before he would have time to react, standing so close as he was. Instead, I addressed him loudly in my best heffalump voice, "Mr Johannes, w-w-who would you b-be look-king f-for, sir?" Clearly startled and thn overawed by my display of power, Noddy turned and ran, like a small yellow egg-laying bird. Perhaps Noddy would do well to remember the paucity of his manhood when faced with that of a quiche-connoisseur like myself. Pooh giggled as the lawman fled, happily gorging himself on honey. Piglet remained unfed, averse as he is to quiche. I think he's gotten a little unstable recently.

However, it seems that NSA 4g3n7 Jeff K had earlier mistakenly shot an innocent for nothing worse than looking a bit like Ben Cumming might have done, so Johannes Nordström is made wanted.

Three incompetents will be enough to redeem him.

When I killd a dued with teh knife ni countar straik evereybody siad it was Aw3some Fux0ring K00l so wehn I saw Ben "Cumming" 9so celled afetr an apaerance in a flim Jerry lieks) I tsabbed him ni teh back.
Two bad ti wasnt Ben.

[20:40pm] General Colin Powell lead another raid against Robert Ludlum

SWAT team returns. As they are setting up in the hallway I fire 2 shots with my RBG out my door, possible hits on red jacketed figure. They proceed to set up for attack and knock on door, but were quite jumpy when I jostled it. They left before I asked if the my two shots hit. They did seem to have a significant number of shields. Ludlum still alive.

You missed.

[21:15pm] Al "Quiche-eater" nearly stopped Marwood Bramwell and the police

Well, it seems 'twas not destined to be a quiet night in for Piglet and myself. Nevertheless, as I have now made a direct attempt on the life of one of my would-be assassins, I feel certain that more peace will be forthcoming in the future. I was idly minding my own business in the company of my two natsci buddies, when who should come harking for some come-uppance at my door, but Marwood Bramwell and his dirty dozen. Naturally, these cretins spent some two or three minutes preparing their positions for the assault on my door, all the while observed through my spy-hole. Finally mustering enough courage, one of the group tapped on my door from the end of a four-foot rifle. Clearly they had heard of my battle prowess. I declined the offer of death, and instead snuck round the back to ambush the fools. Unfortunately my giant crushing oreo cookie proved to much weight for me to wield, and I could only throw wide of the mark. (I would appreciate the return of aforementioned killing machine) I returned unbowed to my lair to finish my game of Coppit with Eeyore, but the lucky donkey roll a four and so captured my last yellow cone. Maybe it's just not my game...

You are returned to competence - don't waste it.

[22:20pm] General Colin Powell didn't attempt to kill PC Potato

Rather uneventful evening. We didn't go to see Matt Lohse, twice, he didn't open his door, or shoot at us from his window. He also did not agree to have a duel with me (or even with Marwood, OCLO Avada, or PCs Dove and Vash). His neighbours didn't throw us out because we weren't really being too noisy.

We didn't then go to King's to shoot Al Quiche Eater (who we didn't know wasn't incompetent any longer). He also didn't open his door, or his window. He didn't climb out of his window and didn't try to lob a grenade at us, which didn't go off anyhow. We didn't then leave rather hurriedly.

He was made competent as a result of his attack on the police raid (poorly aimed as it was).

On our way back from not having been at either of those places, we didn't stop at Sidney Sussex either. Since we weren't there, we didn't knock on the doors of a couple of incompetents who in any case weren't there. We weren't really very frustrated, so we didn't quite go to kill Michael Cripps - and on the way there nothing particularly interesting happened. In particular, Avada didn't punch Marwood right in the jaw after he hadn't been making some not particularly rude remarks. Which didn't make Marwood very mad.


We didn't then split up, and Marwood, OCLO Avada and myself weren't too hungry so we didn't spend a few hours looking for food. We didn't (fortunately) meet PC Incorruptible who wasn't carrying pizzas for an alarming number of people. Marwood and Nokes didn't have an out-of-game quickdraw duel, which the latter didn't win after Marwood's gun didn't quite manage to avoid jamming.

Games & Puzzles wasn't our next destination, and we didn't stay there until about 2:30am not doing very much, nor talking a lot about how the game wasn't heading in the wrong direction lately. Marwood then didn't feel too lazy to go home, so I didn't offer him my sofa to sleep on while I didn't pull an all-nighter not doing some nasty FORTRAN77 programming.

So what DID they do, you ask yourself. Marwood Bramwell:

Well, not much happened really. Really not much at all. I mean there was our attempts to destroy Al-Quisheater, but he hackeyed and ran.

Oh and the door un-opening of various people.

Then we walked down a very dull rather dark alley, on our way to see Michael Cripps. Nothing happened though. Nobody did much at all and due to the low level of threat, nobody was paranoid or did much running away. At all. Infact, so dull was it that before the end of the alley we had decided that the long climb to find out that Michael Cripps wouldn't open his door wasn't worth the hassle from the porter people and we decided to end our uneventfulness and go to the pub. Where not much happened. Ditto the Kebab van. Ditto the whole raid type ish thing.

PC Dove:

After you left, we went to try and get PC Potato, but in the words of our illustrious chief: "Nothing much happened at all.", and they ended up heading back to Games and Puzzles, while I headed back to put in some hours on my part 1b project-some hope!

And from the OCLO:

8.30 The SWAT team got together to terrorise some people. We are good at that. We scared Matt Lohse a bit by hanging round and colouring in his spyhole, and then exchanged inconclusive fire with him through his window.

9.00 Then we scared Ben Cumming, but he climbed out his window and attacked us unsuccessfully before running away.

9.30 We went back to Lohse, who wasn't feeling very conversational this time. We WILL get you, Mr Ludlum, SEE IF WE DON'T!

10.00 Nobody was home in Sidney Sussex, which was wise of them.

10.20 Then nothing at all eventful in any way, shape or form happened on the way to Trinity Hall, and we ate lots of donuts.

Her email also contained the rather memorable line: "If you've heard anything else, I hit him for sexual harassment, not for [Removed]... and I didn't think it would be quite so hard. The timing was merely a little unfortunate, and I put rather more enthusiasm into the blow than was originally intended....."

[23:30pm] Styx didn't poison Razmatazz

If my letter kills him, I'll be competent.

Had gloves.
Received poisoned letter.
Didn't have pigeon hole number
Threw it.

Tuesday, 12 February

[09:06am] Styx had a bit of a firefight with The Internationally Wanted Top Terrorist

For Robert's expected time of arrival at his statistics lecture I assumed an exponential prior distribution with parameter 1/20 per minute on the time interval 9:00 to 9:10.
The observed value turned out to be 9:06, but by the memoryless property of this distribution I would not have left before 9:10 anyway.
I tried approximation by sneaking up, but in statistics such a handwaving approach doesn't work, as shown by
The Small Cantaloupe, who was walking next to The Internationally Wanted Top Terrorist and demonstrated my mistake by a simple counter-example using the method of looking behind you.
Obviously I had to find a suitable percolation process at once, but fittingly enough I only hit him on average with bullets flying past his left and right.

Similarly The Small Cantaloupe and The Internationally Wanted Top Terrorist produced normally distributed data with a very high variance. At this point Hylas the Nymph Pimp took another sample, but a likelihood ratio test carried out later rejected the hypothesis of anyone being hit. In response I transformed The Small Cantaloupe's arm into a uniform distribution all over the street.
Having observed all this data, we got together to test the hypothesis that based on the data everyone was still alive. This hypothesis was accepted using a test of size 0.05. However before we had finished another person tried to manipulate the data, but we were not elements of the set of permissable targets at that time.

This morning, The Internationally Wanted Top Terrorist was walking to a secret lecture on advanced nail bomb construction, accompanied only by his most trusted personal bodyguard, The Small Canteloupe. All seemed calm, when suddenly The Small Canteloupe turned round and stared down the barrel of a gun wielded by an unknown psychopath, who at that moment fired at me. I heard the gunshot behind me, and in that instant, as a first bullet whized past my head, I jumped sideways and spun round, beretta in hand. I found myself looking into the cold, merciless eyes of my attacker, his face half concealed by a beard and a hat, and immediately knew that this was a mighty terrorist indeed, for it was none less than Styx. Then the air was filled with bullets, as we both fired at each other, dodging each other's shots, jumping and rolling sideways, as they seemed to be coming towards us in slow motion. Many shots and misses later I ran into the safety of an archway across the street, well out of range, to take cover and possibly reload, when suddenly unexpected backup arrived: Hylas the Nymph Pimp came running up behind Styx, his gun blazing, and forced my attacker to retreat into a side alley. At this point The Small Canteloupe pulled out his short range assault rifle and, ducking behind a stone pillar, fired at Styx. However, his range was too small, and he couldn't hit him, but took himself a hit in his arm in his valiant efforts. Before the situation could intensify even more, a truce was called, and, barely concealing their desire to kill, hands twitching, the four fighters discussed what had happened. At this point an unknown stranger walked past and cheerfully shot The Small Canteloupe, mumbling something about bearing weapons, but the truce had disabled his gun, so it didn't fire. Before everyone picked up their equipment, the ghost of a fallen warrior drifted past, and then everyone hastily left, not being sure whether the other side could be trusted...

A Reading from the book of the Canteloupe, Chapter 5:

'20And the Canteloupe didst travel to lectures, desiring much to learn the secrets of knowledge. 21And the Internationally Wanted Top Terrorist did travel with him. 22And lo, as they approached the house of learning, an internal warning caused the Canteloupe to turn. 23And he did witness a tall man in a hat behind them, with a drawn gun. 24And the man was Styx. 25And the man fired. 26The Lord was with the IWTT that day, as the first two bullets passed him without injury save to his left arm. 27At that point, the IWTT and the Canteloupe performed a swift separation manouevre, repairing to opposite sides of the street. 28At the same moment, Hylas did appear and fired two shots at Styx, but neither found their mark.

29And Styx did retreat to the limits of range, and fired more shots at the IWTT. 30And none found their mark. 31And then the Canteloupe didst venture forth from cover, and fired several shots at Styx, but the wind was not with him, and they fell short. 32And Styx didst return fire, but the Lord was with the Canteloupe even if the wind was not, and the bullet merely grazed his left shoulder.

33With all parties out of ammunition, a parley was called. 34And thus it was that after a short but heated discussion, and the passage of a random fifth assassin, 35 the combatants did retreat to their various destinations.'

Here ends the 4th lesson.

Hylas the Nymph Pimp:

I was walking along Mill Lane when i suddenly heard shots being fired. I rushed to the scene to discover an assassin attacking 2 others, and i promptly whipped out my RBG and shot the assailant in the back at point-blank range. However there was insufficient proof to show that he was hit, and the assailant left the scene seemingly without a scratch.

Elton the Dancing Crocodile took the final shots:

On my way to lectures I happened to notice a small group of people in long black coats loitering suspiciously. I spotted a gun in one of them's hand, so shot him. They said they were discussing a kill attempt, so I presume that I didn't kill him. The guy I shot (twice in the back!) was wearing a Johns scarf. Styx was also there, as were two (i think!) others. Let me know if i did kill someone, then I can feel all warm inside...

Sorry, but no - they were discussing the outcome, and thus not killable.

Incidentally, people, the above event is exactly the sort of thing I want you to discuss before reporting - I'm told it was quite confused before they started sorting things out.

[09:06am] The Wrong Trousers didn't blow up Evelyn Knight

Gromit was surfing the web on the iMac when he came across something of interest. He signalled for Wallace to take a look. "Why Gromit," exclaimed Wallace "This is exactly what I've been looking for!" It appeared that Gromit had discovered a recipe for a Jamaica Ginger Cake bomb and this very much excited Wallace. Neglecting to finish his hearty breakfast, he started raiding the cupboards for a suitable cake. After much searching, none was to be found, and Wallace despaired "It's no good, Gromit." It was then than the postman arrived with a package, and what should be found inside, but the Falcon's Maltesers! At this, Wallace's eyes lit up, not because of the lure of untold riches, but because here was a suitable Trojan Horse. As you well know, Wallace is a great inventor, so he took the box of Maltesers to his workshop. There, he carefully dissected the box, removing the cellophane and opening one end. A motion sensor was placed inside that end with the switch on view. Then the cellophane was replaced, and the box looked as if it had never been touched. Gromit was once again pointing at the iMac screen, so Wallace took another look. It appeared that it was customary for the bomb to be signed by "Trezzer". "That's the ticket, Gromit!" Wallace announced. I was then entrusted with the box, and told to deliver it to Evelyn Knight. I did so with as much haste as possible, leaving it primed in her pigeonhole. Upon my return, I found Wallace relaxing in the sitting room, reading the newspaper and enjoying Wensleydale on crackers.

Someone tried putting a bomb in my pigeon hole disguised as a box of maltesers. I don't eat chocolate so I left them there for a friend to pick up. Who ever it was re-killed Sorin Basca.

[10:20am] Styx didn't poison Al "Quiche-eater"

He shouldn't have become incompetent.

Well, if Piglet had been of the opinion that a hard night's work meritted a morning off then he'd have fallen far short of the foresight of Owl and myself. A cold morning's retribution was clearly called for after last night's campaign against the hundred-acre wood.

Rabbit often says that hard work never killed anyone; well apparently Marwood bramble didn't want to chance it. Just my luck to pick the day he doesn't work to feed him to my homicidal psycho jungle cat. Instead my journey was tinged with death of a different kind - methought I passed the ethereal spirit once known as Alex Cairnes treading and re-treading his mortal paths in a grim and unending parody of life.

Then, as luck would have it, poison in my pigeonhole. I removed a highy suspicious looking envelope with the aid of several Fez club flyers, and soon found it to be trailing powder. For some reason I have returned said letter to my pigeonhole, and there it lurks even now. Still, I live on and competence, as they say, is fleeting...

[13:59pm] Styx successfully concluded his business with Robert Hiersemenzel (The Internationally Wanted Top Terrorist, Mr Chives)

I surely had opportunity to terminate Hiersemenzel elegantly. My attempt nicely wasted him outside supervision; even though using pellet-guns Emmanuelites died.

The summary above is an obituary to the late Ed Wallace, as for the details:

Fluffy Pufferfish, Charon and I waited for Robert and James to arrive for their 2pm supervision in the CMS. We had taken up a nice sniping position on a balcony overlooking the corridor with additional equipment hidden in a nearby toilet. We had chosen an RBG and an RPG each, hiding them under a scarf on the railing. At about 1:55 we started getting nervous, but at 1:59 Mr Chives finally turned up. I brutally opened fire, riddling him with bullets from above. Just in case Maggs had watched it, I commented:"Let's get out of here quickly, after all I'm not after his supervision partner." Robert was still bleeding into the nice new carpet (how inconsiderate of him), when James arrived, who was in turn executed by Fluffy Pufferfish.

After The Internationally Wanted Top Terrorist had survived an assassination attempt this morning, an attack that no doubt had been funded by the US government, I was ultra-paranoid, and even more cautios than usual. Later that day, I went to see my personal nail bomb mentor, to have my latest designs double-checked and confirmed, and just as I reached his secret office, I let my guard slip. These last few steps proved fatal: I was inches away from the door, when behind and above me I heard the deadly clicking of a gun being fired rapidly, and this time, Styx did not miss: a hail of bullets came down on me, at least one of them hit, I could feel it piercing my flesh, shattering my bone, like a piece of ice in my body. I fell down and collapsed in front of a wall, blood gushing from my wounds. With my remaining strength I lifted my head and looked into the grinning faces of Styx and Fluffy Pufferfish, who had been hiding in a sniping position on the floor above. Then a third dark figure stepped over me and collected the bullets and pulled my body aside to conceal what had just happened. I then realised that they were after my other personal bodyguard, The Chamleon, as well, but there was nothing I could do. And indeed, as I was loosing my consciousness and faded from this world, I saw him run up to me, but I was unable to issue a warning, and he, too, collapsed under a shot in the back. Just before everything went dark, my killers revealed to me that in fact my nail bomb mentor had been working for the FBI, and had told Styx that I would be here at this time. Ah, betrayed once more...

But I must not look back, a place on the right side of my God and a hundred virgins await me, the reward for all the deeds of terror which I have done in this wolrd. And my assailants will no doubt be cast into hell and be totured forever for what they did to me this day. And then, I shall look down on them, and be victorious at last...

[14:00pm] Fluffy Pufferfish then got James Maggs (The Chameleon)

Styx, Charon and the Fluffy Pufferfish ambushed Maggs and Hiersemenzel outside their supervision this afternoon. Hiersemenzel arrived first and barely had time to look around before being shot from overhead by Styx. As he fell lifeless to the floor James Maggs arrived, and oblivious to the carnage went gaily on his way... when he heard a shot from above. Which misfired. Sadly, he ducked under the balcony too late and the second shot hit him in the head, leaving more blood on the previously spick-and-span floors of the CMS.

[15:00pm] An Abelian Grape couldn't factor out The Rabbi

Today, as I wandered commutatively in an inimicably fruity way, I found myself outside Fortress Sidney, home to a certain incompetent rabbi.

"Aha," thought I, "A target for my associativity!"

Applying my isomorphisms (seedless) with great zest, I attained from the porters a numerical code (composite, divisible by 2 but no other small primes, not very interesting). This allowed me to attain access to the target's kernel. Seeking out his room (Ah, a beautiful number, the only which is equal to both the sum and the product of the same pair of integers), I laid a bomb, in the shape of a Klein bottle. All the water leaked out, so I laid another, in the shape of a more conventional Sprite bottle. My subgroups generated, I left, taking care to be completely closed under grape action.

This has been a message from the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Algebra.

An Abelian Grape

Another day, another attempted bombing. Returned from lectures to find a bomb propped against my door. I removed the cap from the detonator and put the bomb with the other unexploded items in my wardrobe. At least this one had a detonator. The attached note was signed "an Abelian Grape"

[15:00pm] Omega worried Organised Crime Liason Officer Avada

Today I was walking down the street outside Caius, as I occasionally do, when I saw Jenny ahead of me chatting to some people. As it'd been a while since I'd last seen her I thought I'd talk to her myself. She turned, saw me approaching at an incredibly threatening walking pace about 30 metres away, threw her bike down and ran as fast as she could. So I picked up her bike, locked it for her and wrote her a note, when she reappeared, and I finally convinced her that I was not about to kill her.

This entire farce was watched with some amusement by representatives of the Caius mafia, together with other police and I believe numerous other players. Just because they are all out to get her doesn't mean she's not paranoid...

I highly recommend saying "Bang" if you see Jenny, or get people she doesn't know to - the reaction is hilarious.

Sir Svoen O'Bjoernchoester Samuel J. Mc Hoelzhauer Yirteen-blimps-ahoy! Wilsoen and I were wandering blithely past Caius talking of cabbages and kings when, on one of my occasional random glances over my shoulder, I spotted Omega, flanked by two potential Baby Seals. Now, I avoid some living assassins, especially when they appear to be following me. There are reasons for this mainly connected with their ability to kill me. So I threw down my beloved bicycle, shouted "F*ck! Run!" and dashed off with Sir Svoen O'Bjoernchoester Samuel J. Mc Hoelzhauer Yirteen-blimps-ahoy! Wilsoen following. We made it to a possibly safe haven with no pursuit, and needing my bicycle back I persuaded Marwood and PC Alashandra to accompany me. Sir Svoen O'Bjoernchoester Samuel J. Mc Hoelzhauer Yirteen-blimps-ahoy! Wilsoen took a different way round to avoid Marwood and PC Alashandra. Omega was peacefully guarding my bicycle, but you cannot be too careful. Sir Sven O'Bjornchester Samuel J. McHolzhauer Yirteen-blimps-ahoy! Wilson then appeared with Sir Svoen O'Bjoernchoester Samuel J. Mc Hoelzhauer Yirteen-blimps-ahoy! Wilsoen and watched us circle each other warily. Since there were representatives of 3 mafias and the police there, I thought it was a very good time to leave. In a hurry. With hand in bag. Looking behind lots.

Organised Crime Liason Officer Avada
"Little Miss Paranoid"

Cauis Senior Tutor complained about a bomb.

I recieved a written complain from the Cauis Senior Tutor about a bomb left there yesterday - a bedder had found the device, and become sufficiently alarmed to alert others.

Once they examined the device, they found the 'imitation' label, but it had already caused significant anxiety.

The player who left the bomb is being dealt with seperatly, but I ask that people take great care to make sure that clear and large labels are used - I can think of no reason to make it smaller than A4.

The Senior Tutor was relatively understanding, and no further action will be taken, but please do take great care - especially when using opaque containers for your explosives (as was the case here).

[20:00pm] PC Exquisite Corpse surprised Angela Rayner (Chocolate Cheesecake)

The incompetant Angela Rayner was wondering past our shop today... and stopped to look at the big gun... YAY... I was sitting by the window chatting on the phone with someone who was after something like a copy of Mornington Cresent... I smiled at her and thought she's looking at a big gun and hasn't realised were playing... so I pootled down the street after her and killed her with the big rifle thing the general had left in our shop.... And so piece once again decends on the city now that another evil criminal that hasn't done anything has been wiped out.

Wednesday, 13 February

[13:10pm] PC Hamburgler rather badly failed to kill NSA 4g3n7 Jeff K

The corrupt police officer
NSA 4g3n7 Jeff K was in the row in front of me in lectures. I spotted his RBG concealed under the desk, and he appeared to be asleep (presumably he's a candidate for the Three Hours Early award for paranoia).

I think he was tired...

So, when the lecturer was just about to start, I grabbed the opportunity to take his weapon away and disarm it.

I thought that I'd disarmed
NSA 4g3n7 Jeff K, hoping to make an easy kill, but I discovered he had another weapon in his coat pocket. We tried to come to some sort of an agreement inside the safety of the lecture theatre, and I gave him back his gun, but without any ammunition. In return, he promised to bring some biscuits with him tomorrow, although I couldn't possibly accept. What I hadn't realised was that being a corrupt police officer, he couldn't attack a police officer who wasn't bearing weapons, so I was escorted down the stairs with a gun to my head, as I couldn't get out my weapons. Resigned to the fact that I couldn't do anything, I returned home.

Not being able to shoot people is very annoying. Especially when people around you are so annoying. While I was trying to take a nap in the DDE lecture that crook David Chow nicked my RBG. Before leaving the lecture I had a discussion with regarding the sanctity of the right to property, but it wasn't until I promised him a pack of biscuits that he gave it back to me. He did, however, keep my rubber bands. For mutual safety I then walked him out of Mill Lane at (cap) gun point.

Would it be possible to make PC Hamburgler wnted for corruption so that I don't have to pay him the biscuits? Or can I hand him the biscuits and then shoot him for being corrupt, or something like that? Or will I need to give Mario his cut first? I really really feel like getting back at all those nasty hostile people around me :-)


PS. What's "killing far too many innocents 'by accident' to be convincing" supposed to mean? They _were_ accidents! I promise!

So, PC Hamburgler, a valient and upstanding member of our police force, has sunk to pettty theft, and blackmail?

I think we would be better off without him.

[13:25pm] The Small Canteloupe used the incredible human knife (stunt double number 3) to kill Darren Barnes (PC Tosh)

A Reading from the book of the Canteloupe, Chapter 6
'1And the Canteloupe didst nurse his arm to fullness, and he did partake of some mushrooms with healing properties; and lo, a vision was vouchsafed to him. 2And in this vision, just after the bit with the pink spiders, and just before the lowing-flying bomber penguins, 3the shade of the Internationally Wanted Top Terrorist didst supplant into his brain an idea full intriguing. 4And the idea was thus: "Take thou a human knife, my Canteloupe, and wield it well. 5For it has been ordained by the Grocer With The Weapons Stockpile, praise His Holy Name, that thou shalt use this fearsome device to rid the earth of PC Tosh." 6And lo, the plans for the human knife did materialise in the Canteloupe's brain, and he was mightily impressed, saying "Verily, that is a neat idea, and all credit is due to the IWTT, who's genius must surely be honoured".
7And so the Canteloupe set to work. 8The plans required a Ginger Witch, but the Canteloupe finding her dead was forced to resort to stunt-doubles. 9However, luck was not with the Canteloupe, for Stunt Double No. 1 was found to be asleep following a night of revelling and quaffing; and Stunt Double No. 2 was unwilling to submit to the transformation process. 10But he was not disheartened, and lo, he happened across Stunt Double No. 3, and lo he knew she was his destined knife, for lo, a sign, she was Ginger. 11 And the Canteloupe rejoiced.
12Affixing the letters 'E', 'F', 'I', 'N', and 'K' to Stunt Double No. 3 in order from Right to Left, he then took hold of the handle, until recently an arm. 13And lo, he did push the human knife into
PC Tosh, and PC Tosh was punctured. 14And there was a profusion of blood. 15And the body of PC Tosh slumped onto the table, for behold! he was bereft of life. 16And the Canteloupe didst thank the human knife, and returned her to her normal form of Stunt Double No. 3, by means of the ritual of label-removal.
Here ends the 5th lesson.

[13:30pm] Al "Quiche-eater" didn't remove NSA 4g3n7 Jeff K

Razmattazz and I had a tense standoff with that highly wanted man, Johannes Nordström, at lunch today. Unfortunately I had neglected to better arm myself for dining, and so I could not out range him. We waited outside the dining hall, but he took another exit and gave us the slip. So we waited outside his room, but he must've gone straight to lectures. It is amusing to see how tense this man is, surely he should go see a chiropractor. Really, calm down.

In King's hall I then met with Razmattazz and Al "Quiche-eater". Nervosity abounded. They of course had no reason to be nervous, but myself I had felt much more comfortable if I had had a proper ranged weapon. And if Al "Quiche-eater" hadn't lingered outside for a while when he had finished his meal.

[13:30pm] PC Incorruptible mutillated the corpse of Chocolate Cheesecake

had a go at angela today stop was lurking around outside her house pondering entry when spotted avada-like figure approaching stop acertained that her purpose coincided with mine stop covered whilst avada poisoned bike then gained entry to house together and burst into room and shot at target who in fact was already dead but had not reported yet stop grrrrr stop

The OCLO was also there:

I paid a visit to Chocolate Cheesecake's home. There was an *extremely* suspicious figure outside, looking at the house in such a manner as to be shot on sight. It was PC Incorruptible, though, so I didn't.

I'd intended to contact poison Angela Rayner's bike handlebars (of course I knew which one it was, my spies are EVERYWHERE) so I did. Then Incorruptible and I got someone to let us in. Her room was unlocked. Incorruptible burst in and shot... her corpse. Darn. Apparently PC Exquisite Corpse got her yesterday.

I hope she isn't annoyed about the slightly excessive amounts of very sticky contact poison (Bonjela, for no particular reason) on her handlebars: I did tell her about it.

[14:00pm] Marwood Bramwell might have bombed Omega

Today, at about the time of their lunch break, members of the Games and Puzzles mafia were seen leaving my staircase.

In unrelated news, I had a large bomb outside my room, a "valentines present". Initially I believed it to be an inflatable doll (obviously sent to the wrong address) but this seemed less likely when I read the box. Amongst other things, it said:



1. lean over device

2. Warn any innocents to stand >6m away [for the record, the bomb was much larger than 10 litres, I'd think far closer to 20]

For the record, the box contained enough explosive to give a 6 metre blast radius. I should know - I said so in person about an hour earlier...

3. Kick device hard

However being a bloke I refuse to follow instructions when playing with a new toy. So instead I cut two small holes in the top, and then diffused it using the Insanely Long bit of String technique (© Baby Seals). After wedging the box so that pulling the string would make it go onto one side, a quick tug from a very long distance away made the box flip; I and my glamorous assistant (the ever popular Y; X was otherwise engaged) heard what sounded like a bang, so I presume this detonated the bomb (in any effect there were no bangs after this so I am not dead). Inspection of the contents found a large amount of polystyrene together with assorted snappers, one of which appeared to have detonated.

The box also has on it a return address "if the device fails to meet the standards you expect" of:

Ben Cumming

Room 101

Tennis Court Rd


although that could be complete rubbish.

Even if the bomb was only 6 metres, it endangered the life of innocents on my floor and floors above and below me. Also, nowhere on it was a disclaimer of "Bomb: this is a fake bomb from the assassins guild game..." etc. which I consider to be poor form given what happened at Caius. The bomb also claims that they are developing a "Swiss Army Tank Opener, with in built corkscrew for celebrating cop kills" which would suggest to me that they wish to go wanted.

I hope that this time round they have remembered to report the incident. They did remember some detonators, which was an improvement...

It appears that the previus incident wasn't an attempt, precisely because of the lack of detonator. I would still have appreciated it being reported, even if only in private.

Ben Cumming adds:

naturally I had nothing to do with this laughable attempt on Omega's life, although I thank Marwood Bramwell for his considerate labelling. Perhaps he is unconvinced of his own abilitiy to take me out, -cowering with two RBGs as he was on my basement stairs while Mario (I assume from the long rifle) held open my party door for him.

[14:02pm] PC Edith the Sociopathic Hutt killed another innocent

My events for the day (so far)

(9:00) Lectures, yes some assassins actually go to them.
(9:53) Talk to Simon Hunt's corpse, tells me he was from Corpus not Clare.
(9:55) Gun down Drew Livingstone from Jersey
(9:57) Simon Hunt's corpse asks me if I would be kind enough to assassinate Matt Lohse who lives down the corridor from him.
(10:04) Finish kicking self for killing a contact so close to the most wanted man in Cambridge.
(10:05) More Lectures
(10:56) Go for Coffee, sit and look at my lecture notes in the coffee room.
(11:00) Look up to see the OCLO leaving the coffee room, I think she saw me (I waved as she went out) and she probably could have got a clear shot across the coffee room but was obviously too scared to tackle my great scarey self. Either that or (a) she's corrupt to me (b) she never saw me (c) she was late for a lecture and couldn't be bothered to cause the hassle gunning me down in public would cause. Shame really, I've been hoping for a fire-fight in thre coffee room for quite a while now.
(11:10) Turn up late to practical
(12:30) Leave practial early in order to do stuff in town
(12:45) Do Stuff in town
(13:00) Cycle into Churchill, think I passed Ed Nokes, either that or there's two people in town with a Satanic tash look.
(13:07) Suspicious package in my pigeon-hole
(13:13) Having donned the proper safety equipment I begin to open the suspicious package
(13:24) Having found the suspicious package to be my new membership card from the Sedgwick Club I ponder to hall
(14:02) Gun Down Richard Thrippleton (Richard T. for those on the cam.quake IRC channel)
(14:25) Send this e-mail

[16:00pm] Papa Lazarou couldn't catch Clarity

Crept Courtward. Called: "Clarity?"
Cunningly claiming "Computing cribs?"
Chris cowered. Calamity!
Confounded, continued Camward carefully.

[16:45pm] PC Dark and PC Dreamer failed to raid PC Godfather

PC Dark writes:

We decided to go and attack PC Godfather (preferably by bombing, as this target was incompetent, and Trinity Hall does have an extremely effective bomb design team.). We eventually gained access to his room, after searching the main college site, only to find I staircase was somewhere else entirely (Cripps Court).

We cautiously approached the targets room PC Dreamer Covered the area while PC Dark questioned a suspicious character entering a neighbouring room, who gave an unconvincing response and retreated in there. We were about to knock target's door when the same character remerged from the room carrying a RBG, a shootout occurred between the unkown character and PC Dark, in which PC Dark expended his ammunition. Dark retreated in to a nearby kitchen, (probably a mistake), where he aimed to regroup, but found he was only armed with a TCS cosh. (the inconsiderate people didn't have any carrots..... )

I remember that kitchen - I used it to store my arsenal when I went on a raid there once... unfortunatly, I removed said arsenal since then. (The bag contained a CPS, Storm, RBG and pellet gun, IIRC - as well as a few close-in weapons...)

A tense hour long siege then started when PC Dreamer moved into the kitchen (which was another bad idea from PC Dark), and we were surrounded by PC Godfather, and 3 other Assassins.

PC Dreamer continues:

On finding ourselves in not a good position to say the least (although we weren't short of food), we attempted to call reinforcements on our mobile phone (only to discover this had to be the least organised police raid in history). We had to resort to bombing the inside of the door and keeping well out of range in the hope that they would attempt a rush on the door. Sadly, the wind foiled this plan by blowing the door open!

Eventually, the combined effects of sheer boredom and lack of food caused our besiegers to offer us a way out whereby we were rendered unable to shoot by having our arms put out of service. Leaving with bleeding arms, I talked to the assassins who surrounded us. They were very nice people.

PC Godfather:

This afternoon there was an attempt on my incompetent life - At about 5.00pm two random people arrived looking for me - I was informed of this by others on my corridor - after a bitter struggle of physical and mental powers there ensued a great battle of a grand scale - this battle ended in me managing to shoot both of the would-be killers in each of their arms - rendering them unable to shoot me - alas they did escape before I could finish the job. However, having successfully fought back on a grand scale I think I have proved my worth as not being as incompetent as what was first thought - reinstatement to the police force would be most grateful so I can get on with purging the evils of this university - their stench sickens me to the heart.

[18:30pm] Special Constable Bulldog led a raid on The Shepherd

Special Constable Bulldog Reporting:

After a quiet weeks' recovery from my minor injury and tragic loss of carrot (the others in my arsenal went rotten on Friday: I had to part with them as well), I was joined by Chief Cath Een and PC Miss for another jaunt into incompetent territory.

This time the revolutionary hotbed of Sidney Sussex college was our target: we entered easily, and after mistakenly walking up to the cafeteria, we found the residential block.

The security system was easily bypassed using a fairly standard technique (the random pressing of buttons using the butt of a gun, Barney-off-Halflife style), and with our fake RAG sponsorship form as a cover, knocked on the doors of The Shepherd and later The Rabbi. In both cases however, there was no response. Probably hiding. Or in hall. Not wanting to appear suspicious (although Cath Een's pupley-blue anorak was doing us no favours) we left quickly, and made EXTRA sure we weren't being followed...

Like I said, another jaunt into incompetent territory. Maybe next time we try a better ploy.

Like targets who are in, for a change?

Evidence of corruption recieved

This email was forwarded to me, appropriate action has been taken.

From: jn226@cam.ac.uk
Sent: 13 February 2002 17:40
To: ms327@cam.ac.uk
Subject: Oficial complaent

D34r C0P,

As yuo are probeably awaer Im due too a unfrotunaet misjugemant off teh term raesonable forse currantley wanted. Im howecer sincarly striveng two redeam myself adn becomes a solid mebmer off uor agencey.

In ordar too maintane teh purety off the force I feal nesesed to reports teh behaevoir off Poulice Constabel D. Chow. As I wsd sleaping teh sleap off teh rigtuos in lecturs tooday he stoel my gunn. As an fellow amamrican Im suer yuo can apresheate hpw fowl thes braech off teh @ND amadnmant is. hE refuesd two gives it bcak too me utnil I promesed to gives hmi soem biscits.

Id liek taht yuo maek Daved Chow wantde fore tehft and extorsoin nad corropsion so thet I cans kill hem . Thusley teh forec is improoved duobly sincece oen bent cop is removeds and one honist cop si reedemed.

Beeing evidedense teh biscits will off cuorse be sumbitted two teh poilce othoritees. I aslo apend anoter evidanse ni the form off a mael I resieved.

Yuors 133tley

Jeff K

-------- Original Message --------
Subject: Biscuits
From: David Chow <ddkc2@hermes.cam.ac.uk>
To: Johannes Nordstrom <jn226@cam.ac.uk>

Shortbread's my favourite, but Bourbon Creams, Custard Creams, etc will do.


[20:10pm] PC Morse didn't letter-bomb PC Godfather

Just got messages off PC Morse - he said that he sent me a letter bomb but i didnt actually open it cos i thought it was a visa co. junk mail - unsuccessful attempt

A little too convincing, I feel.

[21:00pm] Penguin is hearing voices

These last few nights I have been haunted by the ghost of my neighbours vacuum cleaner. It comes to me and says that I will not be free of it's low droning until I have wiped out the police force.

I am resisting for now, but I don't know how long before my will cracks...

Thursday, 14 February

[08:47am] Organised Crime Liason Officer Avada didn't manage to not try to killPC Edith the Sociopathic Hutt

Kudos to Organised Crime Liason Officer Avada, I guess she grew tired of living in terror of big scarey me and decided to gun me down while I was eating breakfast in the coffee room this morning. The first news of this I recieved was when a bullet went through my sandwich, I quickly scrambled to my feet, jumping back to avoid a speeding (well, airborne) bullet and returned fire using the gun I had bought from none other than Jenny Chase herself, Organised Crime Liason Officer Avada, seeing herself hopelessly outgunned (well we had equal firepower) fled leaving me to eat my lead enhanced breakfast in peace.

8.45am Thinking of the amount of work left undone and the amount of time I have spent pursuing criminals, I decide to take several days off from anything assassin-related. Starting immediately.

8.46am See James Bowe going into the Department.

8.47am Relent a little: decide to do a very quick and efficient hit: step in, locate him, shoot him, step out.

8.48am Step in, locate him 8 metres away, shoot at him, *just* miss him, continue with plan, step out, run off.

Ahem. I'm not embarrassed by this incompetence and apparent cowardice, really I'm not...

[09:51am] PC Morse caught up with Michael Cripps (PC Potato)

.--. -.-. / .--. --- - .- - --- / . .-.. .. -- .. -. .- - . -.. --..-- / -.-. --- .-. .-. ..- .--. - .. --- -. / .. -. / - .... .. ... / ..-. --- .-. -.-. . / .-- .. .-.. .-.. / -... . / ... - .- -- .--. . -.. / --- ..- - / .-- .. - .... / - .... . / .... . .- ...- -.-- / -... --- --- - ... / --- ..-. / - .... . / .-.. .- .-- .-.-.-

Police Report:

Officer: Inspector Morse

Location: Corridor outside physiology lecture theatre

Time and Date: 9:51 Thursday 14th February

Details: Investigations into the dealings of corrupt officer PC Potato were hastened after information received last night led to a suspicion that the operations cover had been blown. The suspect was overheard trying to get umpirical permission (refused) to pre-emptively attack a police officer the suspect knew was after him. Morse (having discussed with another officer before this meeting a possible attempt to bring Potato to Justice) was worried his plan was blown and so determined a raid for the next day. Arriving as usual to Maths lectures Morse scanned the area for possible ambush points but having determined that none were occupied, entered the building. Morse then proceeded to a vantage point from which he scanned the lecture theatre here he was detected by his target and OCLO Jenny Chase so he went down and rendezvoused with them. The lecture progressed sleepily and at the end Michael Cripps not surprisingly asked Morse to leave first- a wise security precaution in the circumstances. The order of leaving was OCLO, Morse then PC Potato however having left the lecture theatre Morse turned aside in the corridor as though to go through a door into a different part of the building thus allowing PC Potato to pass him, this simple ruse was not really expected top work however PC Potato showed a negligent lack of care in the circumstances and walked past Morse who then followed and as Michael Cripps stepped out of the building delivered the sentence that awaits all corrupt police - death. PC Potato died stabbed him in the back of the neck with a knife. Case Closed.

Two further points should be clarified following this attack:

OCLO Chase showed exemplary conduct throughout this case remaining in contact with Michael Cripps throughout in keeping with her job description, but not interfering in any way to attempt to stop the attack.

Certain People (in particular the corpse himself whose dying words were "damn, I trusted you") seemed surprised by this attack. Morse would like to make clear that he is an honest officer and as such had and has no agreements with Michael Cripps or any other criminals/incompetents not to kill. As such the possibility of such an attack should have been guarded against more carefully by the suspect.

A final humorous point- the door by which Morse halted leads only to the balcony level of the lecture theatre, as Morse was leaving the building on his way to further lectures he had no possible reason to stop there apart from a wish to get behind PC Potato.

[10:00am] NSA 4g3n7 Jeff K h4x0r3d the corpse of Jack Vickeridge (Archangel Michael)

Teh follwoing seuqence evants took plaese uotsied Mill Laen tooday:

a) Mathmow walks pats me with hand in hus pockets.
2) I points gun st him
3) He taeks hand uot off pockets
vi) I tells him too keap hands awey from pockets
v) He taeks waepons form pockets
6) I shots hmi
8) Waepons si in facts mobiel fone

I foersee that ni 5OO yaers peolas will haev evolwed so taht when tolds at gunpiont two kaeps hands aawy from pocktse tehy does so.

I came out of my lecture building this morning to be see this guy waving a gun of some sort. I had my hand in my pocket to turn my mobile on after lectures. He said 'D00d, wh4t'5 |ha+?' and when I tried to show him my phone he shot me without provocation, warning or mercy.

Since I'm not playing this assassins thing, and if l33tness is a crime this guy is so wanted he can't see the law with a telescope the size of a barge-pole, I don't know if there's any point reporting this, but his crime deserves to be recorded.

[10:00am] Inspector Morse letter-bombed Darren Price (The Shepherd)

-.-. .- -- -... .-. .. -.. --. . / .--. --- .-.. .. -.-. . / .-.. . - - . .-. / .-- .-. .. - .. -. --. / -.-. .- -- .--. .- .. --. -. Police Report:

Officer: Inspector Morse

Location: Sidney Sussex and Selwyn Colleges

Time and Date: 19:45 and 20:10, Wednesday 13th February

Details: Inspector Morse is pleased to announce that in an effort to improve the people of this beautiful university city has set up a small letter writing club the “Cambridge Police Letter Writing Campaign&lquot; with the aim of trying to persuade incompetent assassins and police to reform their ways or die. The first instalment of letters have now been delivered with letter bombs to PC [Deleted] and The Shepherd, a poisoned letter to Chocolate Cheesecake was written but sadly was forestalled by her recent demise.

Delivery of the letters was a tale of two porters one only too ready to help police with their inquiries the other suspicious and accompanied by police of a different force. The first porter was at Sidney Sussex, he was most helpful to Morse in his inquiries agreeing to deliver the ‘lecture notes’ morse claimed to have borrowed from the incompetent, then not batting an eyelid following the revelation that actually the item in question was a letter bomb, and agreeing to deliver that instead. At Selwyn the situation was very different- a suspicious porter with the porters lodge containing two real police of the Cambridgeshire force the letter was delivered but the situation was slightly sticky to say the least and abandonment of the bomb placing was considered. Results are hoped for in the morning, aren’t consumer surveys great!

Midmorning on the 14th I went to check my mail in the pigeonhole room, and found a very convincing letter which I opened without any forethought, only to be surprised by a loud bang which indicated my death through a letter bomb. Unfortunately, I must report the simultaneous death of The Rabbi, and a porter, both of which were standing beside me as I opened the envelope.

Fortunatly, letter bombs only blow up those touching them.

Strangly, most incompetents blown up by such devices don't know the rules for them very well - could there be a correlation?

[10:00am] Inspector Morse rather comically also removed Jamie Collinson (The Rabbi)

It is my unfortunate duty to report my death. The Shepherd recieved a commendable letter-bomb, I was stood too close as it went off.

But no, said I, there is a mistake here - the blast radius is zero, you live!

I was touching the letter as it was opened - so I think it only fair that I be dead.

Faced with this level of inventiveness, I am forced to agree.

[10:20am] The Fluffy Pufferfish eliminated Christopher Wood (Clarity)

Chris was walking along Tennis Court Road with blind Faith in his invincibility. He spotted me and froze, perhaps in Hope that I wouldn't see him. Alas, there was no Charity for Clarity. He should have run when he had the chance. I moved quickly towards him grinning, gun at the ready in my pocket. Dodged the first shot, the second hit him in the arm and the third in the chest. Realising I was late for my lecture, I left the scene of the carnage, apologising to the corpse of Mister J which for some reason happened to be present.

This comes from the grave... I was shot to pieces by the entity of pure terror *that is* The Fluffy Pufferfish this morning (10:20am). My corpse still rests along Tennis Court Road...

Oh yes:

I seem to recall a reward of 200g of Bourbon Creams offered for the death of any Caian. Accordingly, I claim this for the death of Christopher Wood.

I understand that the other party concerned maybe somewhat unwilling to pay up. I am not threatening him in any way whatsoever. But I do *like* to take possession of what is rightfully mine...
Fluffy Pufferfish

[12:30pm] Snapdragon tried to arrange the death of Omega

As I was wandering past the hallowed halls of noble Sainburys at about 12.30 this afternoon I noticed the elusive Omega entering the aformentioned location. I swiftly decamped to Games and Puzzles to inform the noble Marwood. We then swiftly returned to the Sainsburys, and searched high and low for Mr Omega. However, it appears that he was only purchasing a newspaper, and he had left before we had managed to find him. Much depression abounds in the courts of the Capitalist Mafia, and the Firm is not too happy either.

Sorry, had you said something I'd have hung around, and possibly even bought some donuts for afterwards. Maybe next time...

[13:45pm] Commando didn't kill Yak

I visited my johnian target Yak at 6.15pm Wednesday and 1.45pm Thursday but all the response I got was music from next door when I knocked repeatedly. I did observe his friend on the telephone to see if he would join his my target on Wednesday but no shots were fired.

[16:00pm] PC WI Wikiwiki tried to get The Shepherd

Cathy and I walked up to Sidney again, and being annoyed with these two incompetents for never being in, we were not in good spirit. When approached by the key-code thingy we just hit it, hard. It made a funny noise with lots of lights flashing, I think it is broken. Anyway, they weren't in but the path is paved for non-Sidney people to attack now.

[17:00pm] Jenny Hellfire tried to spread the joy to Kal

Ah Valentine's day! I was feeling psychotic earlier so I formulated an elaborate plan to execute my ex. However, slightly later I was also feeling lazy and decided it was a long walk to Downing. Instead I decided to drop in on Clownie who, by a happy coinkidink, was also feeling murderous, so we set out to dispose of one of my targets.

All was going swimmingly until we discovered that the target wasn't in. Instead we wandered sedately back to her college looking at the flowers and plotting dark things...

[19:30pm] Spud sent the Traditional Valentines Bomb (TM) to Poisonality

Being Valentine's day, I decided to declare my dying love for Poisonality by leaving a valentine bomb in her pig at about 13:00

"Stop being such a paranoid cynic", they told me when I was spotted poking at the stuff in my pigeonhole with a long stick. "As if anyone would try to blow you up on Valentine's Day!"

Oh, the innocent young fools.

Of course I'm touched that somebody thinks me soft-hearted enough to open a nice wrapped Valentine's gift with perfect trust and eagerness. However, I'm also slightly worried that someone out there thinks that at the sight of a very naughty-looking book with 'erotica' written on it with glossy red letters I would suddenly be filled with irresistible desire to delve into it without any further caution.

Well, almost.

[19:30pm] PC Edith the Sociopathic Hutt declared his ...erm... affection toOrganised Crime Liason Officer Avada

Being bitter and twisted, I would suspect an assassination attempt from a red envelope in my pigeonhole on Valentine's Day even if I'd never heard of the Game. I would have simply thrown it away, but curiosity has killed more cautious cats than me. Accordingly, and to the amusement of my companions, I removed it with a long stick, carried it to my room followed by an audience, put on gloves, stood with body behind barricade and opened it.

"Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
If you don't kill me soon,
I'll annihilate you."

It's signed PC Edith the Sociopathic Hutt, and I believe him to be the author. The glitter is presumably merely glitter, although obviously I have not tested this.

It's very, erm, sweet. I hear he got shot by Agent Vash last night... what a pity.

[22:45pm] PC Vash shot James Bowe (PC Edith the Sociopathic Hutt)

We went to a society meeting together. On the way in several people tried to knock him off. He hit nobody but an innocent, surprisingly. He wasn't pleased to find out that the police officers were legal targets even though they didn't have any weapons out, as they were trying to make an attempt on him.

During the society he realised that there was in fact a very large assassins presence surrounding him. He proceeded to offer us bribes, and pleaded with us to kill him. Wlaking out after the meeting he had a water gun out. He was shot repeatedly in the back just so he couldn't try and shoot the rest of us. And so it is that PC Edith the Sociopathic Hutt dies.

PC Vash gets the reward of a packet of hob-nobs, and there is a reward of a chocolate orange, and a (small) pack of jaffa cakes for the person who kills him. Such is the Will of Edith.

(about 7:00)
Thursday, the day of death, I role-play on Thursdays, I role-play on the Umpire's Staircase, I role-play with four vetran assassins, I role-play with four vetran assassins who know I'm wanted and there's a price on my head. Naturally I came armed and pointing guns at people. I cycled into Jesus expecting a complex police ambush, the
CoP knew I would be there (I find it impossible that PC Vash did not tip him off) and expected sniper shots to rain down as I parked my bike. This did not happen, so I shot an innocent. I did bring binoulars to scout out the staircase beforehand but it proved unnecessary as one of my would-be killers was wearing a bright red shirt and standing next to the light. It is at this point that I really should have got out the RBG armed with lots of nice white rubber bands but I couldn't be arsed and so got out my pellet gun. I was pointedly outgunned and outnumbered by PC Vash and a Woman I shall refer to as The Pussy. Fortunetally PC Vash declined to get out a gun and The Pussy simply held one hand behind her back asking "What? Why are you being so paranoid?" when I refused to put my gun down and ordered them into the staircase. Fortunetally my quick thinking saved my life when PC Vash tried to arrange a situation where they were both opposite each other with me in the middle, I moved. If I had realised they were both legal targets for blatently making a kill attempt I would have quite happily gunned them both down due to being a psycopath and all but I waited until The Pussy opened fire with a rather large pellet gun that she had lended / temporarily stolen from someone living suspiciously near the incident,(I have no idea - it certainly sounds nothing like one of my toys...) we exchanged fire, out of 10 rounds that were exchanged none hit (The nice white rubber bands would have proved rather pleasent tracers for me in the dark, but it was not to be). The Pussy ran into the safety of the staircase, I presumed to reload, I ordered PC Vash in at gunpoint. It was at this point that The Pussy stood in the staircase and shot me twice in the chest. Fortunetally she was defeated by my illegal target status (nice them things aren't they Jenny and Ed?).

And more pertinantly, by the no-kill zone which she was firing out of.

(11:00 ish)
I couldn't concentrate on role-playing for the first half of that session, maybe it was the constant interuptions, maybe it was the paintstripper we were drinking or then again maybe it was the fact I had yet to work out a way of getting out of the Umpire's staircase without getting shot. Suddenly then it occured to me. Don't! I went wanted origionally to fufill a deathwish,
PC Vash was a friend (that and I had bribed him in a very fluffy manner) so he might as well get the kill. Upon leaving I told him that I didn't really care if he gunned me down on my way out and then proceeded to walk with him holding a RBG a couple of paces behind. I was holding a water pistol to worry him slightly. Thoughts ran through my mind, I was armed, he was armed, I could turn fast as he exited and still gun him down, I could run off as I left or trick an innocent to go between us to provide me with a human shield (I am an evil git after all) but in the end I really couldn't be arsed so I let him kill me as we exited (although I have to say firng quite that many Rubber bands into me just to make sure has to count as gratuitous target practise)

And so ends the saga of Edith the Hutt, died 3 (or 4 depending on how you count it) times and only killed innocents.

By the rotting and diseased corpse of Edith the Hutt, via Speak with the Living (TM), when you pass over, don't forget you can still phone home.

ps. Any chance of a Kenny Award?

If you want to be resurrected a few more times...

pps. Marwood is correct in saying that Avada is not his Bunny, it is in fact someone much more peverted...

ppps. Chocolate Orange and Jaffa Cakes to the person who kills Vash

pppps. I still have one card left to fling from beyond the grave... Muahahahahahahahahahahaahahahhahaha!

Information on Matt Lohse revealed

This was recieved by the CoP - it is believed that it may be inaccurate in a couple of details, but it makes for interesting reading nonetheless. The sender has been made wanted...


Matt Lohse, aka Robert Ludlum is allegedly currently studying biochemistry. As such, you can probably find him in the biochemistry building or in a pub studying the effects of massive ethanol consumption. He is skilled in the use of Akta Explorer Gel Affinity Liquid Chromatography for the mass purification of protein. During the summer of 2000 his ground breaking research proved that gravitation acceleration was 10.4m/s^2, not the 9.8 previously thought. In his spare time he has taken to writing and twenty-one novels later, he has sold more than 200 billion copies of his books in some 340 countries and in more than three dozen languages. He is currently working on a comical espionage novel called The Road to Cambridge. He is also an well regarded poet.

Lohse is also known as an expert on wines, preferring a nice mildly sweet German Riesling served slightly chilled. He has also become quite partial to the 1998 Alkomi Shiraz and has several cases sitting around in his room. As for the Assassins Guild, Lohse has accomplished his kills with a very small arsenal, one RBG. Rumour has it that he has only 11 rubber bands left although he did start that rumour. As a man of mystery, no one knows when he has supervisions, not even his supervisor. Likewise, no one has any idea on his lectures in the Biochemistry Faculty, if any. Lohse apparently does not sleep, leaving Benet Street before 5:30 each morning to protect himself, not seeing his room until 3am the next day. Rumour has it that he does in fact have activities but as he is so secretive nothing is known. Rumour holds that he speaks 0 languages and that he can see in the IR spectrum. He can run the 40m dash in approximately 2 seconds. He can recite War and Peace from memory while conducting a symphony. Despite this, he has no sense of humour. Several years ago, his behind-the-scenes efforts combined with a critically acclaimed essay resulted in a satisfactory end to the Barling Incident that had threatened the long-term stability of a region. He converts carbon dioxide to oxygen.

I hope this helps in your efforts.

Friday, 15 February

Corrupt officer attempts to bribe CoP with poisoned muffins!

I received the following message from corrupt cop David Chow:

----- Original Message -----
From: David Chow
Sent: 15 February 2002 00:45
To: Mario Sainz-Martinez
Subject: Thank You

As just a "thank you", I've left a gift for you with Tom.


------ End of Message ------

Considering how all I'd recently done for this man was to put him on the hitlist of the SWAT Division, I wondered what the hell he wanted to "thank me" for. Suspecting treachery, I sent an NBC warfare squad to the Umpire's room. The team quarantined the area and performed an exhaustive analysis - which did not find any traces of radiation or toxic substances in the room. As the containment had not been breached, it was not necessary to deploy in-situ emergency measures, and the 'gift' was taken to the Police Department laboratory where it was carefully analysed by the Forensics Division.

Sure enough, substantial quantities of a highly toxic substance (a powerful chemical called PA-PR1/K4) were found to be present, in the form of a dark red powder, on the surface of the chocolate muffins. Additional tests revealed that the fingerprints found in the package, as well as the handwriting on the address label, perfectly matched those of corrupt officer David Chow. Photographic evidence is presented below.

After decontamination, the muffins were generously donated to the Donut-Munching Widows' Fund for The Protection Of Small Furry Animals - surely a worthwhile cause.

[09:02am] Sir Sven O'Bjornchester Samuel J. McHolzhauer Yirteen-blimps-ahoy! Wilson didst most nobley vanquishe Peter Beentje (Mort)

In those days Tony Blair issued a decree that an education should be made of the entire British world. So many went up to East Anglia, to Cambridge, the town of the Cam, because they'd done well in their exams.

And lo! at the time of the birth of Michael, a great terror settled on the people of Camry and the Umpire sent many a brave warrior to do battle. Most perished, but the evil was destroyed in a final great battle (which had to be moved to appease the porters), and there was much rejoicing!

And the time came when again the people of Cambridge were threatened. But the Umpire had foreseen this, and became flesh incarnate to show the path of righteousness to those walking in the valley of the shadow of death.

He brought unto him a group of followers which was called the Caius Mafia. The greatest of these followers included Ma Baker and The Fluffy Pufferfish, but this is not their story.

In the time of the birth of Michael, there had been a brave knight by the name of Sir Sven O'Bjornchester Samuel J. McHolzhauer Yirteen-blimps-ahoy! Wilson, whom some called the bravest e'er to wield a carrot. Now it came to pass that one of the Caius Mafia was also known by this name, it being a common name at those times. This follower was usually known as Sir Sven O'Bjornchester Samuel J. McHolzhauer Yirteen-blimps-ahoy! Wilson the not-quite-so-brave-as-his-namesake, who had nearly fought the Lane of Queens', who had nearly stood up to the vicious Pufferfish in one of her irritable moods and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Queens' roof. This is his story.

The story begins one bright day in February. It wasn't a particularly unusual day, save perhaps that it was one on which Sir Sven was to attend lectures. Hence he had woken up early the day before and had eaten a hearty breakfast of lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats. On the next day, the day of this account, he ate two breakfasts; one was of crumpet, the other of interestingly-cinnamon-flavoured 'apple, raisin and oat snack bar', these two breakfasts each being of only slightly-above-average size.

And so, having eaten heartily, he embarked on his first conquest. He then went to stand outside one entrance to the court of St. Mary, which has unnecessarily many entrances, an honour one of its occupants was unaware of having. Sir Sven was pleased he had chosen to decline the syrupy waffles for breakfast, as he was only just in time to spy a certain Mort attempting to leave his room. After several tries, the valiant Mort 'scaped its clutches and left the staircase. Sir Sven spent several moments plucking up courage and confirming his own identity then drew his Walther and fired one small lump of searing rubber into the very Soule of the Beaste. With his last moments, Mort was able to claim the overrated glory of relating to His Not-quite-so-braveness that he was indeed Peter and was glad that someone had finally decided to end his life. "aha!" exclamavit, et "mort mortuus est!" cantavit. But 'twas not not over 'til Sir Sven had had chance to change his soiled armour. Then, 'twas over.

An incompetent assassin named Mort,
This morning by his room was caught.
His assailant drew
a murd'rous .22
And blew him away with a "splort".

[09:15am] Agent Vash tidily executed Daniel Grundy (PC Phoenix Rebjorne)

On our way to conduct a physco-analytic experiment on subject Matt Lohse, one member of the team went to run a personal experiment on Daniel Grundy in the same area. However, finding the door ajar, it was decided to "do" him on the way to find Lohse. Kicking the door fully open, and double tapping the head, we prepare to do a quick disection. However, it then ocurrs to us that there shouldn't be this much blood around yet! It would appear somebody had been here before (apparently it was Matt Rowen) oh well, now to conduct our experiment with Lohse, who according to our information is a ******* student, and as such was unlikely to be going to many lectures. Having covered his spy hole, we proceeded to buzz him from a safe distance away. Unfourtunatly there was no sign of life.
Todays expt..........Failed.

Except that Matt Rowen died a long time ago, and wasn't a live police oficer at the time. Thus either PC Phoenix Rebjorne was lying, or just confused, either way, he's dead, and nobody else has claimed the kill, so...

Clarification from Matt Lohse: Matt Rowen shot him, but it didn't count, and PC Phoenix Rebjorne was confused. He's still dead to Agent Vash.

I wish to thank Agent Vash for doing me the service of removing PC Phoenix Rebjorne, although I had hoped to deal with the traitor myself.

[11:15am] NSA 4g3n7 Jeff K anti-campered David Knipe (PC Leader of the Free World)

In ordar two protcet hsi mafaibrother PC Laeder off teh free wold tride too kills me tooday but I killd him four corropssion and liotering with intnent. He uesd teh novell amd innavotive "campeing" tacitc btt beeing a 133t statetgy mastar I recagniesd taht he had ovarlocked soem impotent detales scuh as staending ni covar so wehn his atension wsa destracted I stepped uot and shot hmi.

According to PC Hamburgler:

Johannes Nordström stood at the entrance to the lecture theatre, looking outside for assassins. He got out an RBG and fired a few shots at a target I couldn't see. Coming back in, he passed me saying "You're next" - a familiar message to me (see 27 January 2001), but one which hasn't yet proved true. With a remarkably cunning plan, I escaped after the next lecture.

[12:25pm] Snapdragon couldn't find Mort

Today at about 12.25 I went to Caius with Marwood, looking for Mort, a disgustingly incompetent player. We wandered around the main site of Caius, significantly failing to find J staircase. Massively paranoid, we then headed out to wander around Harvey Court, but got scared and decided to run away, so we did

[13:00pm] The Beast expertly excised Sam Blackburn (Private Investigator)

A quick jaunt to that most common of assassin haunts, the engineering department, proved most useful. My target, standing around talking to some friends, was blissfully unaware, and ripe for the kill. I saunter up to him, and say "are you Sam Blackburn," despite being ninety-nine percent sure he was....I just wanted to see his reaction. He didn't answer, but made that most revealing of motions, by plunging his hand towards his pocket. It never made it...his body falling limply to the ground with a knife at the nape of the neck.

<SARCASM> What a brilliant day. I woke up at 10am today to discover I had a lab at 9am. At 11am I arranged an alternate time for a lab and went to a very interesting lecture. At 1pm I unlocked my bike, which was parked by the back entrance, and had the inspired idea of exiting by cycling through to the front entrance. I was nearly clear when I saw a friend. Who I talked to. Just as I was about to leave I heard a voice from behind. "Sam Blackburn?" Stab. I reached for my pocket, but was far too slow to do anything. Then I turned around to see my killer. What a brilliant day.</SARCASM>

What made up for it, though, is that this afternoon I shot 3 rubber bands at the OCLO. What she didn't know was that they were pretty harmless since I was a corpse. The reaction was most interesting to watch.

Being a private investigator is hard. Maybe my skills are more needed in the police force anyway. This private investigation is closed.

[13:10pm] Robert Ludlum also shot PC Phoenix Rebjorne

Having noticed that PC Phoenix Rebjorne had apparently betrayed me (despite my warnings earlier this week that any action in me would result in swift retribution) I decided to take appropriate action. Besides, I wanted to help the police force eliminate a corrupt police officer. So I found him, approached from behind, put a RBG to the back of his head, and fired one shot. Alas, he turned to tell me that someone had already shot him this morning. I resisted the temptation to shoot the corpse many more times for his treachery and left the scene of the non-event.

I would have given a reward of one very stale Sainsbury's croissant to his killer for doing me the service of eliminating the traitor but I unfortunately disposed of it this morning.

On a side note, Mr. Grundy was erroneous in his report on me, I prefer the 1999 vintage Alkomi Shiraz.

[13:10pm] Agent WI Wikiwiki brought the Law to bear on Neill Smith (PC Dark)

Agent WI Wikiwiki has quickly killed off another corrupt officer. Not wishing to contend with the almighty James Bowe, I put on a pair of shades today so my target wouldn't recognise me. It worked - well sort of - he didn't see me waiting for him across the road.

I oiled my bike chain specially, so it was nice and quiet. As he walked away down the path, I cycled up behind him and shot him in the head with a single bullet.

As he died instantly, the shot he returned was his imagination (if you can have imagination when you're dead). There was also another witness walking with him who unfortunately couldn't do anything about his friends death, and then had to walk home all by himself. Sorry.

Agent WI Wikiwiki just initiated a high speed ride-by shooting of myself, hitting me squarely between the eyes just as I was about to fire my RBG. I was to busy discussing my wantedness with PC Dove to notice the approach of the attacker from behind till it was to late.

back to pondering the computability of the halting function for me...

PC Dove had this to say:

At about 1314 PC Dark and I were walking away from the wgb. Someone who pc dark seeemed to recognise cycled past and shot him. The End.

Some may ask why i had not shot him. The answer? we had a duel arranged for tomorrow afternoon, following revelations that he may not have been as guilty as previously alleged. Still, i'm sure we'll all sleep more easily in our beds now he has been shot from a speeding bike...

[13:10pm] James Jekyll made a non-attempt on Snapdragon

I placed a cheesy message in Snapdragon's letterbox requesting that he should commit suicide.
The message was thoroughtly prepared with no poison on it whatsoever, but I hope to introduce him to my friend Kit Stone in the near future.

Yesterday morning I went to check my post, and I found a rather suspect looking box. I went to lectures, and on returning I put into practice my 'standing on the end of a long piece of string and pulling' plan causing the aforementioned box to fall to the ground. After donning my gloves, I went to inspect the package, to find a message asking me to commit suicide. I didn't.

[15:20pm] Evelyn Knight didn't kill An Abelian Grape

Made an attempt on An Abelian Grape today. I knocked on his door and he opened it but shut it quickly when he saw I was armed. Hit doorframe.

Someone knocked on my door. They had a gun so I told them to shag off.

An entirely unrelated note: Kill attempts which aren't attempts at all, but merely people trying to stave off incompetence by 'attacking' someone they are allied with, will stop moving the deadline, real soon now.

ALOHA Statement

What's the world coming to? Today I went shopping to Sainsbury's and left disappointed that I had been unmolested by any assassins. ALOHA! despairs that a man can walk safely through Cambridge during the middle of the day, without being riddled with holes. I mean, I was dressed in the appropriate black coat that basically has "Assassin" written all over it, yet I was able to return to my home unharmed. What does the Chief of Police think of that? I remember the good old days (TM), when you couldn't go into the streets without bumping into a shady character. This was as recent as yesterday, when I saw none other than "comedian" Rory McGrath. I was tempted to empty 36 chambers into his expansive belly, but thought better of it, as Jonathan Ross wouldn't have anyone to make fun of on "They Think It's All Over". However, it does raise the question of whether "celebrities", such as Rory, are valid targets in the game.

I'm afraid they follow the usual targeting rules...

[19:15pm] Robert Ludlum murdered Simon Hunt (PC Shunt)

While peacefully watching the Olympics, Robert Ludlum saw PC Shunt enter the room. During a discussion on the newsgroup about police intelligence efforts against Ludlum, the OLCO had declared "Maybe the "other person" could become wanted too for not cooperating? The last one lived soooo long....". Ludlum realized that the only person at Corpus that could in fact become wanted was PC Shunt. Ludlum also began to wonder if PC Shunt could perform a quadruple axle. Drawing his RBG he deftly shot Shunt in the chest three times but was disappointed that this only produced two and a half spins. Regardless, a potential intelligence leak has been closed so I regret to inform the OLCO that another police intelligence operation has failed. Ludlum then returned to watching the Olympics and decided that no innocents needed to die for the moment.

Oh, doesn't this mean I get a reward from the Binford mafia for shooting a non-corrupt police officer?

You'll have to ask them...

Oh, yes:

The following has recently come to my attention...
Wednesday night, time unknown but before 10pm
One of my neighbours informed me that he was nearly shot by a large group of people outside my door Wednesday night. Might I suggest that the SWAT team show a little more restraint to avoid worrying innocent civilians, specifically not threatening to shoot them. With police like this who needs criminals?

Who else would they go after? I think it's good they have something to occupy themselves with.

[20:45pm] The Rabbi definately didn't have PC Dove killed

The Police Dept. regrets to inform you that PC Dove and PC Dreamer are dead because they were stupid. Well, I was stupid.....believed that bloomin' old line "do the porters know you're here? never heard of it....". Gagh. This took place in Sidney Sussex outside the door of incompetant Jamie Collinson. A guy named "Fortress....mumble...mumble..." -he wouldn't give any more details- killed us. To add insult to lead metal The Rabbi-told us that it wouldn't have mattered even if we'd killed him, since he was already dead, killed days ago by a poison letter, and the umpire just hadn't changed the page yet. The corpse of PC Dove respectively requests that in future the incompetants list is kept up to date.....:(

I don't know who the guy was since he didn't give us more than: "Fortress....mumble...mumble...", but he shot us both. He is welcome to the rubber bands fired in retaliation, although Jamie is not, since he refused to offer us even a drink, even when pressed, which all true gentlemen surely would. I don't think either knows our names, since despite our repeated attempts to tell them they cliamed they weren't interested...

I consider this case interesting - first for the fact that The Rabbi was dead at the time (he reported it, but I didn't believe he would be so careless as to touch a letter bomb while sombody else opened it...) and so the entire event should be annulled.

More interesting is the fact that there was no live player in the college at the time (with the mistaken exception of Jamie Collinson), and so "Fortress....mumble...mumble..." cannot have been killing legally. Since they did not report, I am really annulling the kills.


Produced at Sat Mar 16 22:59:37 2002