The Society Curio reports:
He was just standing there, right in front of me. How could I not have stabbed him?
The Society Curio reports:
In a momentary lapse of sanity, Frightfully Vicious informed me that his previous death had expired and asked that it be renewed. Always happy to oblige, I killed him again. I love this May Ball!
Frightfully Vicious reports:
After my death by the oyster bar, I went to the casino and realised that the probability lectures were all wrong when I lost everything through betting boldly to avoid WLLN. Behaving like a simple-minded natural scientist, I disclosed my identity to another assassin, who hopefully won't remember who I am. Meeting the Society Curio later on, I told him that I was alive again. The previous time, he stabbed me, and similARly, I met the same fate.
Juan Ramiresh of Shpain reports:
That's just crap. You could have at least TRIED to avoid him.
Frightfully Vicious reports:
Righto.
Mr. Darn Smooth reports:
While at another May Ball not a million miles from Jesus, Mr. Smooth spotted a familiar figure on the dancefloor.
He hastily waited until the end of the dance, then found a rubber band and shot Spice in the back.
(I killed her very courteously, and wished her well in the afterlife, consoling her with the thought that she would rise again soon)
Spice's remains were cleared away by the Trinity authorities and the dances continued.
(And on a familiar note, why did none of the Trinity assassins I know turn up at the appropriate point of their Ball so I could shoot them? Young people are so inconsiderate these days.)
Insincere Dave reports:
Possibly because it would have been £80 to see ASH and JASON DONOVAN. I would rather scrape my own eyeballs out with a spoon than see Ash or Jason Donovan.
The Society Curio reports:
I might ask you the same thing.
Frightfully Vicious reports:
I already turned up for you during the interval of the concert in Trinity on Friday. That was not meant to be a trailer for later thrills.
Insincere Dave reports:
Super Report 41
I was lying half-asleep in bed, with the door unlocked. I have been killed twice before in these exact circumstances. Can you guess what happened when E. Wallace vudely burst in with an Beane-cannon? I certainly can't!!
There was also a Special Mystery Guest (J Doe). He was completely crucial to the mission!!!!
Good old x squared sin 1 over x reports:
The discontinuity of my second derivative at the origin was giving me problems again, so I decided to calm my troubled oscillations with a spot of killing. Neither frightfully vicious or frightfully curious were in, so imagine my sinusoidal delight when I found the insincere one's door accessible. Adopting a beefy masculine method of approach, I swiftly entered the inner sanctum of bennettitude, drawing my trusty weapon and creating some discontinuities in Dave.
Now my garden is rosy.
Juan Ramiresh of Shpain reports:
Stop pretending to be Hallard Croft, you didn't even buy a T-Shirt from me (or maybe you did and I forgot)
Good old x squared sin 1 over x reports:
No one was pretending to be Hallard Croft.
I am merely a pathological function.
Frightfully Vicious reports:
Good old x²sin(1/x) is a jolly kinky function, I say.
GG the Harmonious Horse Handworkshop Headquarters reports:
Sally hasn't been much in recently, but she was jumped today outside Corpus by our Hay-eating Harpsichordist hunting-squad.
Mrs Faithful's Uncle reports:
Deciding to do a variation on the bus theme, a steamroller was quickly constructed from assorted bits and pieces. It was properly labelled steamroller, had a smiling face painted on the front and a driver looking out of it. Of course, I had to ensure that it was in working order. Thus I was driving my steamroller around Q-staircase for a bit, when I came across The Man Who Was Thursday's room. As I'd never been on the third floor with a steamroller before, I decided to let him know. I knocked on his unlocked door and was promptly invited in. Increasing my speed as I drove through his lair, accompanied by loud driving noises, I spotted him sitting on his sofa with his girlfriend. He froze in horror (or laughter?) as my vehicle accelerated towards him, and moments later he, and half of his sofa, were rather, how should I put it, well, flat. I then went for a lap of honour round his room, making loud driving noises, to the amusement of flattened Thursday and his girlfriend, before I drove back home.
The Grocer reports:
I would indubitably vote this some style points.
Ancalagon the Black reports:
Some of us were being evil outside Games Workshop. I wonder why.
But the intended victim did not appear.
Instead, Ancalagon the Black idly slid a claw into Gaynor's ribcage...
Ancalagon the Black reports:
Tim Hinton was then consumed by extensive dragonfyre as he fought from behind a car.
Good old x squared sin 1 over x reports:
Grrrrr. I was sure I'd killed Hinton , but apparently only hit him in the shoulder.
Next time I shall use a rapier and be rather unpleasant.
Mrs Faithful's Uncle reports:
Ug Gug gone :( Messiah still here :) Now Messiah is dead =)
Being a nice uncle, I afterwards emptied another few dihydrogen-monoxide bullets into his hair to help him ensure that it was in top condition and would stay that way for the rest of the evening.
The Society Curio reports:
While on my way from dinner to my room, I observed, through the window of the bar as I passed, my fellow-mathmo Juan Ramiresh of Shpain. Ah, I thought, fresh blood. It transpired that he had been too amateur to notice my passing. Safely out of sight, I pulled my water pistol out of my pocket, then leapt in front of the window to shower him with bullets. He didn't even know what hit him.
Juan Ramiresh of Shpain reports:
A more accurate report is that I was playing (and winning) on the Trinity bar's quizhampton, assisted by the two barmen, and was most alarmed when my concentration was broken by a mediocre amount of water. In defence of my lack of preparation, I might add that I've only ever seen The Society Curio once in the bar before, and neither Burns nor Frightfully Vicious frequent it, so I ruled out the possibility of death there.
Esau The Dust Puppy reports:
Whilst waiting in the queue outside Queens' May Ball, who should happen to wend his poetic way by, but one Harland of the Quinns. Friendly greetings were exchanged. Then a hurried consultation with a Dust Puppy's mayballing companions on the current rules (can one make a kill in a mayball queue?) led to the conclusion that if I gave chase while they saved my space, I would no longer be in the queue. So I gave chase: the kill was swift and efficient, a bullet to the chest, with only one minor misfire impeding the slickness. But at least we laughed about it.
Jürgen Klinsman reports:
And now to the football results. There's only one game that we really care about, so lets go to the Queens' May Ball queue for the final result.
Thanks Dan. A thrilling match here tonight - of course, we'd seen the christian side displaying strongly in their previous match here with a solid 1-0 victory over the weakened Castle House United, Castle House of course missing two of their best players. Tonight they were up against Murderous Psychos Wanderers. An interesting choice of tactics by Murderous tonight, teaming their star striker Jürgen Klinsman with experienced playmaker Matthew Garrett who had previously retired. The game started quietly, with Garrett quickly moving into the Christian half. Mere seconds later, however, he'd set the field up for Klinsman and the rubber band thudded into the back of Morag Gray.
Jürgen Klinsman reports:
The Christian defence was obviously rattled - no sooner had play restarted, than Klinsman fired a band straight into the back of Angela Rayner. 2-0.
Jürgen Klinsman reports:
And we take you to the last seconds of the game now:
"There's some people in the queue! They think it's all over! It is now!"
Klinsman fired another wonderful shot, scything down Alex Churchill to rack up another point. The Christians' choice of a flat back three defence was unable to cope with the sheer power of the Psyopathic side, and they were left flat on their backs. Final score - Murderous Psychos 3, Christians 0. And back to you in the studio, Dan.
Thanks Bill. We now leave you briefly for a psychopathic interlude.
HATRICK HATRICK HATRICK HATRICK ST. PATRICK HATRICK HATRICK HATRICK
Let me quote Björn quoting Overkill quoting Harris:
"*PSYCHOTIC INTERLUDE PSYCHOTIC INTERLUDE PSYCHOTIC INTERLUDE*
PERMIT ME TO QUOTE SOME HARRIS: "THE BODY-COUNT IS NOW 18""
Juan Ramiresh of Shpain reports:
Do you mean Overkill the heavy metal band?
Mr Ed The Stalking-Horse reports:
While stalking past the John's May Ball queue, I was of course entirely unprepared to see the Sulk standing there juggling.
So unprepared that it took me a whole 30 seconds to nonchalantly approach and offer him my greetings and some bullets.
The Sulk looked surprised. He admitted that his clubs were licensed, but he entirely failed to offer any resistance to the March of the Horse.
The Incredible Sulk reports:
Well, there I was, arranging free entry for John's (juggling 7-9, then free all night... :-D), when he walked up, and shot me... All very noncholant, and all that.
I suppose I should have deployed a throwing cosh or two, but my nearest fatal weapon was the other end of the queue anyway...
Professor Calculus reports:
I happened to pop in to see an old friend from school this evening, to find him conversing with some college pals. One of them casually mentioned going back to his room to fill in some "kill reports." My ears immediately pricked up, but I maintained a casual innocence. I chatted idly with my prey, and even when he asked "You're not an assassin are you?" I managed to remain nonchalant, although the pressure was mounting as he fingered his weapon. To his question "why are your hands in your pockets?" I replied "I'm just holding onto my keys." Smooth. Once he had left the room I explained the situation to my friend, whose loyalties didn't seem too divided. He went and knocked on the door of the assassin as I cocked my colt 9mm, and as he opened it I shot him twice in the chest, the first shot being a misfire. Professor Calculus strikes again.
Mrs Faithful's Uncle reports:
...Old age and treachery always overcome youth and skill...
Well at least treachery.
Godfather Ted reports:
Vengeance Bright for my dear God-daughter and other friends, by means of subtlety, nerve and a big gun.
Jürgen Klinsman reports:
How disgusting, running after people when the party has finished... I would never do such a thing...
Godfather Ted reports:
umm, i'm sure Johannes can testify to being assaulted by a certain wall-climbing Maniac (Bjoern asks himself Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeheeeheee? at this point) after innocently leaving the party...
congrats to Johannes' athleticism :)
The Grocer reports:
In a strange scene reminiscent of a previous incident, the Grocer was sitting down enjoying himself drinking champagne while a friend spilled the same liquid on his Dinner Jacket. Suddenly he found a licensed carrot in his head with an evil grin behind it.
Produced at Thu Jun 21 19:33:39 2001 .