Burns reports:
Hark at that at the door; was it someone trying to force entry ? And did they then flee underneath my window ? And did I, or did I not, wait like a sniper and shoot them ? Yep !
The Society Curio reports:
I would also add that, regrettably, at least one member of the public, who has nothing to do with our society (probably two), was killed in the spray of bullets from Burns' window. Their last words were "is it raining?"
Our Man in Havana reports:
Pattern recognition software on the Emma CCTV system running well. Ug Gug detected leaving South Court, destination Mr Faithful's Uncle's room. Upon reaching this room, Ug Gug waited patiently, armed with a knife (origin unknown). However his presence was known and what life still left in him dispatched with two close range shotgun blasts to the torso. Last words of the unlucky assassin: "Twat!"
JJ. The Musical Ass Factory Foundation reports:
Knowing that I would see Burns at the Trinity stomp this morning, I cunningly planned my kill. Most cunning of all was that I actually got a weapon. I didn't show up at the first half of the stomp, to avoid the chance that he might kill me when I wasn't looking, but I harried them midships as they came back through great gate, and tried to squirm my way to my prey. However, he was now behind me and would surely notice me coming for him, so I waited until afterwards, at the crew photo. As he sat lazily upon a plastic chair, I gleefully stabbed him in the ribcage.
Burns reports:
As I sat peacefully wondering at the beauty of the wren library someone stabbed me. Is there no justice in the world ?!
JJ. The Musical Ass Factory Foundation reports:
Skulking silently through the fetid corridors of Blue Boar, I spied the door behind which The Society Curio resides. Knife in hand, I grabbed his door handle and burst in. Well, I would have if it wasn't locked. "Curses", I thought and was about to leave when I heard him trying to open the door from the inside and get me, so I skilfully used the narrowness and proximity of the corridor to escape.
KKKKKKK reports:
At 11:25 I received the information that Dan Seymour with a big bag was crossing Parker's Piece from network of accomplices. Upon hearing this I quickly armed myself and confronted him outside Fenners. When he spotted me he turned to run and then turned around the a corner. An obvious ambush, I thought and circled wide. He had disappeared. Then I see the tree. A big tree. Big enough for Dan to hide behind. And truly, when I approach he runs again and tries to cross a road.
Now things started to go wrong for him: He was able to cross the first lane, but the traffic set in and he was stuck in the middle with little space for dodging. This proved fatal. KillKillKillKillKillKillKill
Krimson reports:
Since I am a communsit it is not really in my nature to call for increased policing, but when an honest hard-working assassins cannot even queue for a cash mashine without getting shot in the back I think it has gone to far. More state repression!
Mr. Darn Smooth reports:
How kind of my scarlet foe to be waiting nonchalantly for a cash machine as I walked past.
Two quick shots to the back: How Darn Smooth is that?
KKKKKKK reports:
Moving towards the city centre, I suddenly spotted someone walking in the opposite direction with a girl on his arm... He seemed familiar... What was his name again? Tom Garnett? Mmmmhh...maybe...maybe not... Let's just follow him for a while.
First they went to Emma, then they turned back and stopped at a cash machine. Let's see whether it's him. I shout:'Tom!?' and flick a rubber band past him. He turns and tries to draw something from his pocket. So it is him, I think and shoot him into the left arm, left leg, left half of the chest, left half of the stomach...
The Incredible Sulk reports:
It is as reported... There I was, minding my own business, when out of nowhere, a heavily armed psycopath starts shooting me...
Ironically, if I hadn't had my pocket zipped up, I could have out-drawn him... (Ask Krimson about this...)
Ahhh... well. I'm not walking around noncholantly any more...
Frightfully Vicious reports:
David Knipe tried to shoot me with a water pistol in Great Court. Alas, he was thwarted by the fact that even assassins aren't allowed on the grass. Remaining diametrically opposite me across a large patch of grass, he chased me in vain, while I did a bit of practice for the Great Court Run. Escape: dead easy.
Ha-Lan Kwin of the Chinese Triad reports:
No sign of horse or mouse,
So I go to castle house,
But Harland Quinn,
Annoyingly is not in.
Then I hear his laughter,
And so I follow after.
He carries a cask of beer,
But no weapons, oh dear.
So I shoot in his stead,
He once was furry and blue,
But since my aim was true,
He now is perforated and red.
Harland Quinn reports:
Having got up at twelve after Robinson Ball, I made my way to the pub, Where I was handed a cask of beer, From my friend who I know through a mud.
We made our way back to the house where I live, To drop off the beer in my room, But who should I find, but Ha-Lan Kwin, Plotting my downfall and doom.
He approached and shot me with his six-barreled gun, Defenseless I was killed there and then, In my grave I shall rest until the beer is drunk, But when it's finished... well, just wait till then.
Love and Huggles and Britney Spears' knees, Harland Quinn
The Society Curio reports:
Sources had confirmed that Frightfully Vicious was at a supervision at 4pm today. Adopting an optimal sniper position on the way back to his room, I lay in wait. By 5.25 he had not arrived. This, combined with the discovery of my whereabouts by Insincere Dave and resulting concern for my own health, forced me to leave at 5.30. I have no idea why he wasn't there. I await your report, Frightfully Vicious.
Frightfully Vicious reports:
I had absolutely no idea that David would get his hands dirty and try to kill me after my supervision. In fact, I'm puzzled as to what happened, since I got back at about 4.55. By the sound of it, he had cooked up a cunning plan, but in the end, everything in the garden was lovely.
Our Ass in Nirvana reports:
Lloyd returned to find a hasty trench position had been built across his carpet Our Ass in Nirvana then just had to listen for the famous Sidney Floorboards. and open fire at chest-height from behind cover.
The Incredible Sulk reports:
I found myself at the same social gathering as Spice, who seems to have forgotton that we are both playing...
To be on the safe side, I shot her first. Pellet to the stomach at 4 feet.
Our Ass in Nirvana reports:
Our Ass turned up respectfully and played the gormless fool by walking past the Eliminator's empty open door. He then returned and asked where Dan was, braying courteously that it was about the First Aid that he had come. But Dan was in the shower, and suspicion arose that our Ass might be there in fact to Create a Need for First Aid, and from then on things went downhill, for which our Joss-stick-bearing Donkey apologizes...
Our Ass opened fire with a Luger over the shower-curtain, but the Eliminator was adept at holding the curtain closed tight. Our Ass was terrified that the Eliminator was now armed with the spent bands, so he had to produce...
The Mankiest, Greyest, most Rancid Carrot mayhaps even from the Caius Halls of Yore, labelled #3 Throwing Knife, and pinned the Eliminator, by the shoulder, to the shower wall.
Then our Ass afforded to draw a heavy machinegun and blasted often behind the curtain, till the Eliminator admitted being Sufficiently Dead.
Note: on a more serious side, I keep my carrots in a humid environment to make them safer, and they were merely purchased on Wednesday.
Umpire reports:
*wonders*
Was it a good thing to licence certain vegetables ? They seem overwhelmingly popular. Please consult me before using any novelty vegetables. ;-)
Rumours even mention certain mafias who have been stocking Sainsburys'economy class II carrots for months...
Mrs Faithful's Uncle reports:
Having run away from me at top speed twice in succession (I wonder why...), Ug Gug did exactly the opposite the next time we met (about 10 min later): after my dinner he confronted me, wielding a knife and a semi-rolled-up newspaper (a cosh?), I greeted him friendly, he slowly approached me, but I was faster with my gun than he with his close-range weapons, and I shot him once more (at dinner time). A brief argument followed, regarding whether bullets can be blocked with a cosh and if a newspaper that hasn't got 'shield' written on it, but perhaps somewhere printed inside it, is able to stop cap gun shots, which ended with him considered dead and me being clubbed over the head by his corpse.
Ha-Lan Kwin of the Chinese Triad reports:
Our man in Havana (that's at least where he was supposed to be), abandonned his post. Our organisation does not tolerate such behaviour. Therefore the perpetrator was executed when he left his staircase. We even refrained from shooting him with the grenade launcher, because after using a revolver instead we were able to sew up the hole in his dinner jacket and sell it to a second-hand shop.
The Society Curio reports:
On my way back from dinner, I bumped into my good friend/merciless killer Dan. Once I had drawn my weapon, he became quite sporting and let me finish him without undue fuss (to avoid getting bullet holes in his jacket).
Insincere Dave reports:
That's certainly the most interesting kill report I've ever seen!!!
Lieutenent Leek reports:
Vigilant neighbours aren't always a good thing, as Mr. Nordström can testify.
Whilst lurking atop his stairwell, I was confronted by no less than three of the beasties, each of whom I carefully tortured for information regarding my target's whereabouts. Enjoyable though the process was, it yielded not one iota of pertinent information, in spite of which I let the neighbours go free.
After a further lurk of a few minutes, I heard the tramp-tramp of boots a-tramping up the stairs, and readied myself - at which time, the remains of one of the neighbours spake to Mr. Nordström.
"There were some people looking for you earlier," warned the voice, and my target, being the paragon of paranoia that he is, immediately stopped and turned to interrogate the informant. Unfortunately, this resulted in his top of his head establishing a position in line-of-sight of my trusty firearm. Making appropriate use of his handy distraction, I did, of course, shoot him.
So, let that be a lesson to all assassins - never pay attention to your neighbours, especially when they try to warm you about suspicious strangers. Remember this, and you are sure to lead a long life.
Krimson reports:
Knowing that the top of my staircase presents a nice ambush spot I was being very cautious and watched it carefully as I moved up the stairs. Then a neighbour distracted me with a warning that someone had been asking around for me. My attention was immediately returned to the top of the staircase as Lt Leek emerged and gunned me down.
Insincere Dave reports:
Someone knocked up-on my door. Who could it be? 'Twas Ed Nokes and his foolish sidekick, Bjorn Holzhauer (or is that t'other way round?). I don't know how they came up with that plan!!
They also tried to throw things through my window, but they were rubbish and I was great. I'm sure you'll get me next time guys!!
Ha-Lan Kwin of the Chinese Triad reports:
He cowardly refused to fight. I really can't understand why; there was only two of us and our guns were only twice the size of his.
Teddy the terrorist reports:
I'd swear those carrots have become sentient entities during their time in Björn's pocket... they certainly seemed to have ideas of their own with regard to their own trajectory.
PS: You got it the correct way round.
Lieutenent Leek reports:
Ambulance-man Quinn seemed in dire need of a Medicine man when I last saw him... or at least those bits of him that were recognisably him.
Lieutenent Leek reports:
I knew that Frances would approve if I redecorated her room in tasteful shades of purplely-reddy-blue gunk, especially if I let her provide the, ahem, dyeing agent.
Trilobite reports:
Chris Bull was killed by me, Trilobite, on his failed mission to my house. He did not accept a pancake either.
Professor Calculus reports:
Having been drinking rather heavily all day, a frontal assault of Clare Colony seemed somewhat less daunting by the evening and I decided to take out Trilobite. Unfortunately my alcohol consumption caused me to believe what her housemates told me ("she's upstairs...keep going...") leading to a text-book ambush in which I was splattered across the wall. Be warned all, that house is a citadel!
And whilst I didn't get a pancake, I did get some wine. As if I needed any more.
The Man Who Was Thursday reports:
Ug Gug came into the bar, I killed him again, how boring! He fell over the steps, how incompetent. I apologise for my death earlier, but I was weaponless then. Bjoern, I will retaliate, to be sure.
Produced at Thu Jun 21 19:33:39 2001 .