Automatic umpire reports:
The game has now started... Let the carnage commence!
Balaam's Ass reports:
After realising the game had started, I quickly assembled my strike team and constructed a make-shift knife. We approached the abode of one Frances Robinson and after a prolonged knock on the door by my accomplice she opened looking very annoyed. I proceded to place the knife in her belly and as she slumped to the door she seemed even more annoyed that this was all we had woken her up for. Hmmm I suppose that's what assassins is all about.
Our Man in Havana reports:
Please note that the erstwhile Ug Gug is now dead because he thought the game began tomorrow night. Hence I may be pissed, but I can still take care of any Emma assassin that comes my way. Ug Gug is proposed for the Lemming award, and I stress that he had nothing to do with anything that happened in previos terms in conjunction with myself (other than kill him when he was already dead). He calims that he's going to get me back, but could you believe such nonsense?
Reverend Green reports:
Reverend Green in the study with the revolver.
Insincerity is a sin.
Insincere Dave reports:
Someone assassinated me while I was asleep. I don't know who he was, but he was certainly a real smooth guy! He must have spent days coming up with that plan!
Colonel Mustard reports:
Colonel Mustard in the salon with the dagger.
JJ. The Musical Ass Factory Foundation reports:
The Musical Ass Factory Foundation had just become a registered charity, when it was cruelly crushed. I can't remember who it was that killed me, just like I couldn't remember either that I was in the assassins, or when it began. Therefore my assassin had no trouble in stabbing me in the lung with a carrot as I lay sleeping, less than 10 hours since the game had begun, and more than 10 hours since I had checked my email. Alas.
The Incredible Sulk reports:
Well, what should arrive this morning, but Newboy - knocking on my door for a semi-legitimate reason, and standing there looking innocent.
Needless to say, I opened the door, and shot her repeatedly, thanking her silently for saving me the effort of doing the same at her room later today.
Moral of the story: A cosh too big to wield feasibly won't work if the target has a loaded RBG.
Newboy reports:
Newboy was shot this morning by The Incredible pyjama-ed Sulk.
All innocent and sweet I came with Marmelade. Strangely, the gift did not fool him (I thought it a cunning use of candied fruit on a par with the Trojan Horse- except you could not eat the Trojan Horse so in fact _my_ idea was better. Except the Sulk wasn't as stupid as a Trojan....)
Anyway. He shot me. I'm dead. The end.
Mrs Faithful's Uncle reports:
Remembering his threats against my life prior to the start of the game, I decided that removing Ug Gug for 4 hours was probably a good idea. A straight shot to the chest after he'd finished his lunch took care of him. Not much to say, really, although with his dying breath he complained about the mess on his shirt.
The Society Curio reports:
On seeing my enemy on King's Parade, I ran after him as auspiciously as possible, waving a rubber band gun in the air. He didn't turn round until it was too late. My first kill EVER!
Mr Ed The Stalking-Horse reports:
The Horse stalked down King's parade, cautiously surveying the surrounding crowds for a target, until he was distracted in a zen-like manner by the beautiful flight of a bird. But then, hearing the distinctive footfall of an unsubtle and excited revolutionary, swiftly followed by the characteristic click of an RBG, he rather pathetically died.
Dammit! not paranoid enough!
SHARK reports:
I came out from my concealment just as the taget was leaving. She reached into her handbag but the weapon of choice was lacking any dangerous parts (excluding ring tone) - her freind should be able to assist I hear they do wonderful things with gun shot wounds.
Krimson reports:
I was sneaking around outside Burns's door with my partner The Society Curio. We heard him speak on the telephone and figured that in his preoccupation he might disregard basic safety precautions. We knocked on the door, Burns carelessly opened it and I shot him.
Burns reports:
Not so ! Not so ! I was listening to music actually. True, the assassin cunningly used one of my friends to tempt me into opening the door, but as he is also an assassin I should have been a shade more cautious...
Colonel Mustard reports:
What a shame, I was just a few minutes late...
Colonel Mustard reports:
Having arrived at the scene of crime of the gruesome murder of Dr Black (James Jane), I tried to catch his assassins Johannes and David but they escaped.
Next I implemented the incredibly cunning plan of dressing up as Andrew Agassi in the hope that assassins would ask me for an autograph so that I could stab them with my penknife. Thus disguised I proceeded to David Chow's room, but he slammed the door before I could get into the corridor. After some visits to other colleges, I returned, found the door open again and opened fire through the kitchen window. Frightfully Vicious fire (well, water) was returned, so I retreated.
Insincere Dave reports:
Hey guys! Assassins is excellent!! Bjorn Killthesamepersontwicehauer just killed me again!! I almost killed him, but then I didn't.
Colonel Mustard reports:
Colonel Mustard with the grenade launcher outside the Billiard Room.
When I was walking out of Blue Boar, I suddenly spotted Insincere Dave again and hence tried to ambush him at the bottom of his staircase. However he spotted me and had his supersoaker out already. He managed to dive into the adjacent stairwell, which suggested he would be trying to get around me via a different floor of the building. Dashing upstairs I arrived just in time to block his way. We exchange several shots along the corridor, then he suddenly tried to charge through a parallel corridor. Quickly diving into his path, I managed to spin my gun around in time and caught him in the chest.
The Incredible Sulk reports:
Returning form a (perfectly legitimate) trip to Darwin, I decided to drop in on a mysterious and beautiful friend from ages past - Spice by name.
Knocking on her door brought no answer, but music was playing, and (upon trying) the door was unlocked... So burst in, cosh in hand, to discover the room empty - disappointed, I burst out again, to run into her, clad only in a dressing gown, and unarmed... After panic had finished setting in, she attempted to run, but I caught her twice in the body with my cosh, leaving her paralysed...
I attempted to negotiate with her, but she proved stubborn - so I was forced to shoot her. In the forehead. At point blank range. Three times.
After that, I slit her throat, and having communed with the corpse for a while, departed once more into the... erm... day.
Professor Plum reports:
Professor Plum with the LINAC outside Hall.
As a man with a degree of suspicion I was carefully looking around when I walked through Gonville Court and truly I espied someone wanting to go Back to Basics. This would however be bad for my LINAC research budget, hence I sent two of my genetically modified homing pigeons after him, but the didn't hit home. Hence it was time to bring out my miniature LINAC, however by this time my opponent had brought out his very basic weapon, a rubberband, which missed me by miles on the first shot. Then before I had my LINAC out, he had already picked his band up again so I stumbled backwards in an Ed-Noksian manner struggling to get my weapon out. His second shot didn't get me either and I finally managed to get my LINAC out and perforated his chest.
Memo to self: I shall improve my draw.
Back to Basics reports:
My people have designed for me a brand new weapon of destruction. It's made from a resilient elongatable substance that is capable of storing energy by means of its very molecular stucture! It's light, it's compact, it's even digitally launched! I call it: the DEVICE.
Walking through Caius armed with this wonder I felt no fear upon spying the familiar face of a notorious killer, and rapidly closed the distance. His first thrown blade flew well clear of me, whilst my answering DEVICE chose not to take the optimum flight path and ended up at his feet. The second blade came at head height, enabling me to combine evasion with recovery of the DEVICE. The murderer was then chased back, struggling to free his main weapon from concealment, past a confused colleged choir. My second shot was launched from near point blank range, yet by some miracle the evildoer survived. And pulled his rather large gun out. And shot me in the stomach.
P.S. I'm going to Cardiff from tomorrow (Friday) until Monday, so won't be around for anyone to kill. Unless you're in Cardiff too.
The Incredible Sulk reports:
Feeling mildly vindictive, and attempting to put off caff, I decided to check Newboy's usual haunt, on the way to supper - there she was, unarmed, and unsuspecting...
So I shot her.
Frightfully Vicious reports:
I was sitting in the computer room checking up on the previous killings, when I saw David Knipe come in. As soon as he saw me, he ran away, while I tried to get out a weapon. Unfortunately, I had a water pistol which I didn't really want to use, while he had a cap gun. As he got within range, I tried to throw a knife at him, but too late. Apparently he tried to kill me this afternoon when I was out, and was confronted by my bodyguard. Revenge will follow.
The Society Curio reports:
Having earlier been foiled in my attempt on the life of Frightfully Vicious by the rantings of a concerned bystander (a curse be upon him), I knew a vendetta would develop between us. At one of my more alert moments during dinner, I noticed him passing through in the direction of the computer room and saw my chance to finish him off once and for all. Ever paranoid of enemies hiding in every shadow, I left drawing my gun until the last possible moment, which was a bit stupid - if you think about it. Rounding the corner, I discovered he had positioned himself to see anyone coming through. Had my gun been in my hand, it would have ended then; my error and his speed in drawing a weapon forced me to retreat beyond range. He followed me round the corner, only to discover that I had drawn a weapon whose range was superior to that of his knife. The tables had turned. After retreating a short distance, he made a stand by bravely throwing his knife at me, just as I fired my first shot, which was a dud. Although he informs me his knife slipped out of his hand. (I don't think it hit me, and if I remember right throwing knives doesn't count anyway.) A further two shots to the head finished him off.
Mr Ed The Stalking-Horse reports:
Oh, why aren't we allowed to shoot Matt Garrett?
(note that this was a failed attempt in the sense of failing to attempt to shoot him)
Mrs Faithful's Uncle reports:
Where Mrs Faithful's Poisoned Valentines Card had failed, her uncle eventually succeded - after stalking Spice for half an hour, he finally finished her off with a clear gunshot to the chest. Death followed instantly.
Mrs Faithful's Uncle reports:
Hmm, my weapons are just way too cool. Someone else thought it would be fun to toy around with one of them and point it at me, despite just having witnessed what happened to the last person who did that. Next time I'll keep a better watch on my equipment.
Mrs Faithful's Uncle reports:
Oops, this actually happened on Wednesday 20 June. Looks like I failed to use the software correctly again.
Produced at Thu Jun 21 19:33:39 2001 .