The Battle

On Sunday the 4th of November, fourteen assassins came together to fight a grand battle. No more did we hide, skulk and cower, but instead we faced the harsh light of day, and the fearsome ranks of our opponents.

The event was organised and coordinated by the Battle Arbiter, Tom Garnett, who is also responsible for this page. Please send all queries, corrections, and - most importantly - write ups, his way.

The Participants

Please note that none of them are playing in the main game, nor would they consider such an action at any point in the past of future. Or so they say.

Rampant Murdering Bastard: Killers prefer the cold, don't ask me why, somehow blowing someones head off at 15 paces doesn't feel right on a sunny patch of grass in the middle of summer. No, leaving a blood-soaked corpse to rot with the falling leaves of Autumn is a much better way of finishing things, it doesn't make much sense, it just feels right. I had come to this place to do battle with some of Cambridge's most dangerous, I didn't expect to survive, I just expected to take one or two down with me. We met on the grass of Harvey Court Gardens, out of sight of the innocents, it would be better if they were not involved in this...


The scoring system is as follows:

Awards were given spontaneously for anything noteworthy, and are listed with the appropriate battles. They are also summerised at the bottom, along with overall awards.

The scoring system was invented by me, and has never been tested, or tweaked. However, it seems to work. Complaints should be dircted to someone else.

Battle 1

Last Man Standing, with only close combat weapons allowed.

These all started: The Inquisitor, Tommy Gun, Sicaria, Rampant Murdering Bastard, Dead Man Walking, Vindicare, Hermione, Phillipa, and The Fraudulent Founder of Hyperbolic Geometry.

The Battle started in a loose circle, which quickly broke off into seperate duels, with the notable exception of The Inquisitor, who (armed with the Poi of Doom) ran around the circle, managing to reach three separate duels, as they were won, and hit the winner from behind. And Hermione, who stood there, out of the way, until the very end - when her charge at The Inquisitor failed. (Her cunning use of a large tree to hide her approach was foiled by the clear shadow she left).


Rampant Murdering Bastard: I had come prepared with enough weaponry for a small army, it was enough to massacre an entire formal hall, when I saw the firepower some other's were packing I wished I had six times more. To start it was a simple match, every man for themselves with close combat weaponry, I grinned as I took out my samuri sword, devil's trident and medieval battle axe, I looked at the rest of the weaponry people had, light sabres and lots of them. I grinned again like an idiot, somehow this didn't look too bad until, then He brought out the flails, (Those would be the Poi of Doom - BA) then I began to worry, I would become a familiar with that feeling that fateful afternoon.

With out words we backed off, each of us marking a target, I ran at mine, sword raised high. I could hear his bones crack as the sword sliced through his chest, blood flowed out, crimson and rich, staining the grass where he fell. I didn't have much time to enjoy this small victory, a blade sliced through my spine seconds later and I fell, my blood mixing with my victim's, I wondered if he'd be pissed off with me in the afterlife. Naw, not me.

The battle was soon over and my soul was torn from blissful slumber to fight once again, apparently the flails were exedingly usful in this little preamble. He was the only one still alive at the end of battle, right, you're next, I thought, marking out for the kill.

The Inquisitor: I hadn't really come equipped for close combat - just a couple of coshes, and some homemade poi I had lying around. The thing is, for some reason, my initial demonstration of the poi scared everyone rather, causing them to not attack me initially, this left me free to just run around, hitting those reeling from other combat in the back, front, or wherever. Hermione survived until the end, by the simple expediment of retreating and hiding at the start - she tried to rush me, but I cut her down - longer reach proving decisive.

Hermione: Looked at the other weapons, and Colonel Flashheart, was deeply awed, so retreated very fast indeed at the start. I watched other people get killed, watched the Poi of Doom....then everyone else was dead so had to finish it, The Inquisitor was behind a tree so it was the best time I was going to get. I got slaughtered with the Poi, of course. Shadows are not always good for assassins.

Battle 2

Team Battle, with only close combat weapons allowed.

The losing team were: Tommy Gun, Sicaria, Dead Man Walking, The Wanted Criminal Ed Noakes and Hermione

And the winners: Rampant Murdering Bastard, Colonel Flashheart, Vindicare, Phillipa and The Fraudulent Founder of Hyperbolic Geometry.

This Battle quickly disintegrated into a number of small scraps, the eventual winner being determined as much by attrition as anything.


Colonel Flashheart: Our team decided that the lightsabre and the poi (both teams had one of each of these) were the most dangerous weapons in the opposing team and so we tried to kill their wielders (Sicaria and The Wanted Criminal Ed Noakes) first. But we ended up with the four people with these weapons fighting each other, including me with a poi. Meanwhile everyone else was involved in a wild melee. When it became clear the other team would come out on top in this, we intensified our effort and managed to kill their poi and lightsabre wielders, but not without losing our lightsabre. At this point one member of the opposing team remained and I cut him down with my superior weapon.

Hermione: Colonel Flashheart outfought me. Nothing else to say, really.

Battle 3

Team Battle, with Rubber Band Guns only.

The losing team were: Rampant Murdering Bastard, Dead Man Walking, The Wanted Criminal Ed Noakes, The Fraudulent Founder of Hyperbolic Geometry and Hermione.

And the winners: The Inquisitor, Tommy Gun, Sicaria, Colonel Flashheart, Vindicare and Phillipa.

A fairly patchy and somewhat unbalanced affair, the initial charge by the winning team split the losers while killing one, and despite Award winning performances by two of the losers, the Battle was won easily.


Rampant Murdering Bastard: The next match was Rubber Band Guns in teams. I should have thought twice before accepting the team arrangements, people in long black trench coats against those not, I also should have brought my own Rubber Band Gun rather than the one I borrowed, if I owned one it would have range.

I still maintain that my mad desperate dash screaming at the other team while I charged their rear would have worked if I had not slipped over and burst out laughing. I counted four bands by my neck when I reincarnated. Sod.

The Inquisitor: As far as rubber band guns go, I was fairly well equipped, just the one RBG, but it's a Dragoon, so I've got range and lots of ammo. On top of that, however, I had my pellet firing pistol - manual cocking, but accurate at over 10m. I took The Fraudulent Founder of Hyperbolic Geometry out early, at range. The other team retreated. After Rampant Murdering Bastard's abortive charge, it was I who sent half a dozen rubber bands into his laughing cadaver. Finally, the long hunt for Hermione was ended, after both of her guns ran out of ammo, and he was chased towards me by Colonel Flashheart. A casual shot from my pellet gun, and it was over.

Colonel Flashheart: We advanced on the opposing team in three pairs with The Inquisitor and me in the middle. The Inquisitor's long range pellet gun cut down The Fraudulent Founder of Hyperbolic Geometry, seeing this the other team made the unwise decision of splitting up. They were hunted down one by one and most of them were dead, before I had even reloaded my gun after the first skirmish.

Only Hermione was left and hiding, but I spotted her outside Springfield. She fired her last shots in my direction, sprinted away and ran into The Inquisitor, who finished her off.

Hermione: I ran away again, it was the scary people on the other team what did it, it was effective team strategy. Only I fled fastest and furthest... they came after me but some of them died in the chase. Then Colonel Flashheart and The Inquisitor were alive and I was the only member of any of the other teams left, and I only had 2 shots. I was very very scared. Colonel Flashheart walked into an ambush I laid, and I have this clear mental picture of him calmly reaching under his trenchcoat for his gun while I charged manically towards him, I missed and ran off into The Inquisitor, who took me straight in the chest.

Battle 4

Team Battle, with any non-water weapons.

The losing team were: Rampant Murdering Bastard, Tommy Gun, Sicaria, Vindicare, Phillipa and Hermione.

And the winners: The Inquisitor, Colonel Flashheart, Dead Man Walking, The Wanted Criminal Ed Noakes and The Fraudulent Founder of Hyperbolic Geometry.

A charge by the winning team, against superior numbers was met by a bungled pincer retreat, leaving Tommy Gun isolated, for an early death. With their cohesion broken, the losers piecemeal opposition for the winners, who hunted them in a pack, with multiple pincer manauvers.


The Inquisitor: Again, team combat, and our team stuck together - by comparison, the others immediatly fled, as Battle was joined. Foolish, we thought, and proceeded to destroy them piecemeal. Sicaria killed one in the fighting, and later ambushed our (nearly) victorious party, killing again. I think it was me who finished off her, and hence the opposing team.

Battle 5

Team Battle, with any non-CPS weaponary.

The losing team were: Rampant Murdering Bastard, Sicaria, Vindicare, Dead Man Walking and The Wanted Criminal Ed Noakes.

And the winners: Colonel Flashheart, Tommy Gun, The Fraudulent Founder of Hyperbolic Geometry, Phillipa and Hermione.

A whitewash, actually carried out in several stages, with quite a lot of manauvering.


Colonel Flashheart: Weapons were distributed fairly, a XP-110 for each team, smaller weapons for the rest. Using radio communication the coordination of our team was clearly superior and so we manged to outflank the opposing team, which allowed me to remove their XP-110 wieled by The Wanted Criminal Ed Noakes by shooting him in the back. I then obviously looted his corpse, claiming the 110 for myself. Now caught between two 110s and several other guns the other team never recovered and we managed to win without losing a single member of our team.

Hermione: Colonel Flashheart was good, very good, and that damned radio kept on being used even thought the rest of us were just shouting "Help!" which seemed to work as well. Vindicare's Award is for failing to shoot me even though I slithered to my knees right in front of him, then running away into a deep pit, although he was far more heavily armed, he claims there was someone behind him.

Battle 6

Three Team Battle, with any non-water weapons.

The first losing team were: The Inquisitor, Tommy Gun, Sicaria and Phillipa.

The second losing team were: The Wanted Criminal Ed Noakes, The Fraudulent Founder of Hyperbolic Geometry, Blade and Hermione.

And the winners: Colonel Flashheart, Dead Man Walking, Rampant Murdering Bastard, Vindicare and Big Hairy Monster.

The first team were wiped out by the second, fairly early - which lead to a protracted battle between the survivors, won by weight of numbers after a finishing double-kill.


Rampant Murdering Bastard: Another Rubber Band Gun dual was next, I was more sensible this time and chose the good team, problem was I only had a single shot RBG this time over, after that it was all down to my trust sword and Detective Special. I don't like the Detective Special, it's good for suprise assaults on a sinlge target but after that you have to reload. That's why I carry the Westen Hero, 100 shot catridge, ok so some of those will be misfires but then again its got 99 shots more to go, who cares. Problem is, I couldn't find the Westen Hero, I shrugged my shoulders, hell let's face it, if they're in range of the cap gun, they're in range of the sword. What followed was a game of cat and mouse, we were out gunned, but on the other hand we had Colonel Flashheart, the Death Incarnate of Cambridge, that more than made up for things.

I won't go into the details, they're too horrible but suffice to say I was gunned down while throwing the trident at the last member of any other team to survive. I was almost happy, but then I was dead and the dead feel no emotions.

The Inquisitor: Our cunning teamwork fell apart rather when we encountered the second team. I managed to narrowly miss The Fraudulent Founder of Hyperbolic Geometry twice, and get a leg shot - then chased after Blade, leaving the rest of my team to deal with him. Unfortunatly, they failed (although he did die while killing the last), and I was killed by a chance shot to the stomach, from my fleeing opponent.

Colonel Flashheart: Probably the most challenging starting position I had to cope with in all the battles on that day. While we had 5 team members as opposed to the 4 in each of the other teams, we had only two bandguns. It therefore seemed wise to be careful. We set up a defensive perimeter, well hidden between trees, and waited until the other two teams had fought each other. Then we engaged the remaining team, which had lost the The Fraudulent Founder of Hyperbolic Geometry. After some prolonged fighting I finally broke the ensuing deadlock by double-killing with Blade and our superior numbers finally brought victory.

Hermione: A good one- everyone had a fight in the middle, then survivors came out to the edge to get slaughtered. Incidentally I got Colonel Flashheart in the arm, which I am proud of (and will keep his poisoned note to someone else forever).

Battle 7

Team Battle, with any weaponry.

The losing team were: The Inquisitor, Tommy Gun, Sicaria, Vindicare, Blade, Dead Man Walking and Hermione.

And the winners: Colonel Flashheart, The Fraudulent Founder of Hyperbolic Geometry, Phillipa, Rampant Murdering Bastard, Big Hairy Monster, Vicious Chicken and The Wanted Criminal Ed Noakes.

A battle of attrition, fought messily in close terrain. Saw the most effective use of water bombs overall. Fear the CPS3000, for it is very scary (Only two kills scored, but Colonel Flashheart kept the opposing team on the retreat and in cover, throughout the Battle).


Rampant Murdering Bastard: After Rubber Band Guns we resorted to Water Pistols and I truely learned to fear the CPS during those final few rounds, to those who think they can take on a CPS with a low calibre or even a Storm I give the following warning: No Fucking Way! It tears though the skin like molten rock, I still wince as I look down upon the scar tissue which has grown over the entry and exit holes (and they are truely holes), next time I go into open combat I'm going to get me one of those things, maybe even two. People might say, "hey!, without those big fuck-off water cannons you're not even half as tough", I'd reply: "that's kind of the point of the cannons".

The Inquisitor: This one felt like a massacre from the start - we felt outnumbered and outgunned, even when we weren't, and ended up pinned down in bad cover, slowly retreating. One by one, we fell to the opposition, personally, I lost a leg, engaged with The Wanted Criminal Ed Noakes, who got behind us, and harassed - by the time I was reinforced, so was he, by much of his team. I died in a suicidal charge against Colonel Flashheart, who outranges me - by quite a lot, if I get the gun angle wrong.

Colonel Flashheart: At first we had to find the other team, but finally I spotted all 6 of them. I really couldn't imagine why they all ran away... There was only me at that time. Scary? Meeeeeeeee???

They didn't really fight, they just kept retreating, except for The Inquisitor, who tried a suicidal charge. We just had to corner them and then they got wet.

Hermione: Award to Vindicare, who shouted, "It's safe!" moments before being blasted... then I stepped where he had been and it really, really wasn't safe.

I want a CPS for Christmas. (Don't you all? -BA)

Battle 8

Team Battle, with any weaponary.

The losing team were: Vindicare, Rampant Murdering Bastard, Big Hairy Monster, Blade, The Fraudulent Founder of Hyperbolic Geometry, Dead Man Walking and Hermione.

And the winners: The Inquisitor, Colonel Flashheart, Sicaria, Phillipa, Vicious Chicken and The Wanted Criminal Ed Noakes.

A battle where team division was by level of waterproofing. The winning team adopted a defensive position, while water bombs were filled, and managed to intimidate the losers into advancing very slowly. An attempted outflanking resulted in one loss, and at this point, the remaining two emmbers of the winning team reappeared, and slowly drove the losing team into full retreat, gunning down two on the way. The remaining two were brought to ground (literally, in one case) and executed. All dead, except for one lunatic: Dead Man Walking, who charged with meagre weaponary, and fled at the sight of CPS might. His attempt at hiding in the woods (in a bright yellow raincoat, in the day) was ended swiftly by The Inquisitor, who outflanked him, and demonstrated that tree leaves are no more effective at stopping CPS fire, and they are at hiding luminous raincoats.


The Inquisitor: My initial task was just to stand on the left flank, looking scary - this worked surprisingly well, considering how long I held off three opponents, one armed as well as I (CPS1500). I killed Hermione first, when she tried to outflank, but instead found herself outranged, on open ground - this did allow the other two to push forward, straight into our ambush. Unfortunatly, Phillipa's gun misfired, and he was cut down in return. I did, however, get his killer (Vindicare, I think), after that, the others two went into full retreat - but I defeated Blade in a CPS1500 dual, after he tripped - leaving Rampant Murdering Bastard to be surrounded, and killed by three of us, with me getting the kill. As we were congratulating ourselves, Dead Man Walking charged from behind, but did so on open ground, and was chased off fast. He made it to the woods, but by going around to his only exit, I was able to shoot him, as he tried to lay an ambush.

Colonel Flashheart: This time the teams were very well balanced and so we decided to fill water bombs. While The Inquisitor, Phillipa, Vicious Chicken and I guarded, the rest of the team went to a bathroom. When they returned The Inquisitor had already evened out the team sizes. But then The Fraudulent Founder of Hyperbolic Geometry managed to distract The Wanted Criminal Ed Noakes, while the opposing team's 110 was sneaked up on him. My warning came too late, but at least The Fraudulent Founder of Hyperbolic Geometry was distracted as well and he died to me. With their most experienced player down, we quickly decimated the other team and won.

Hermione: We all attacked The Inquisitor because he had the CPS. Unfortunately we all failed because he had the CPS. I think his apology for blasting me in the face was unnecessary since I was attacking him with a Storm Force 1 at the time, but was appreciated nonetheless. The whole team got wiped out by the CPS, they never seem to run out of water. (I get four full loads in mine - that's about 20s of fire, I think the 110s get rather more than that. I was rationing it quite carefully, too. - BA)

Battle 9

Three Team Battle, with any weaponary.

The first losing team were: The Inquisitor, Vindicare, Phillipa and Hermione.

The second losing team were: Sicaria, The Wanted Criminal Ed Noakes, Big Hairy Monster and Blade.

And the winners: Colonel Flashheart, Vicious Chicken, Rampant Murdering Bastard and Dead Man Walking.

A protracted and interesting battle, where tactics and manauvering played a great part - the sort of thing I was hoping would happen. Lots of initial manauvering for position left the teams concentrated around an area of light woods, which, owing to the darkening weather, offered the chance for multiple thrusts, counterattacks, and outflanking. The teams slowly shrank as they failed to stick together, and were outflanked, outnumbered, and gunned down. Ambushes and desperate charges were made aplenty, always fatal, some succesful. Scavanging of weaponary lead to some fast but impressive ambushes being fought at close range, between teams armed to the teeth with their comrades' (and opponents') CPS weaponary. Towards the end, the outnambered and outgunned The Wanted Criminal Ed Noakes avoided death in many skirmishes, and tried to play the waiting game - this was curtailed, owing to the impending darkness, and he eventually tripped and fell, after a climatic dual.


The Inquisitor: Our initial position left us between the other two teams, which seemed a mistake, so we manauvered, to put the eventual winners in the middle - this was only somewht succesful, as it left us engaged in combat with them, including Colonel Flashheart's CPS3000. Ironically, it was dodging the CPS which forced me forwards, placing me withing easy range of Rampant Murdering Bastard, who had already killed Big Hairy Monster, and was trying a covered attack on our team. He died, and we retreated, the largest remaining team. Further skirmishing and manauvering caused Phillipa to get seperated slightly, and gunned down by the winning team, and also Hermione, who we later discovered had almost succeded in a trick assault on Colonel Flashheart and Vicious Chicken, but actually just died. Retreating with Vindicare, both carrying CPSs, we were ambushed by a solitary Sicaria, who's first shot I dodged, and who died to my return fire. Looting her CPS1500 left me with a CPS1500 and a CPS1000, akimbo, and Vindicare with the other CPS1500. An inconclusive exchange of fire with The Wanted Criminal Ed Noakes, who was positioned in cover, but outgunned, and outnumbered, left us in position for a rush by Blade, which killed Vindicare, but I dodged, while catching him square in the chest. Finally, Colonel Flashheart launched a rush, hitting all three present, two of whom were already dead - I was shot last, and had sufficient time to level and fire both CPSs, before he had actually hit me, resulting in a double kill, of spectacular magnitude (we were about 4m apart, so there was quita a lot of water about).

Vicious Chicken: Here, the aforementioned Vicious Chicken would like to point out that he thinks he hit someone with a water bomb in battle 7 but couldn't confirm it and that his shots hit two targets mere milliseconds behind those of his compatriots in other battles, to whom he graciously conceded the kills. (Fair enough, but it's nowhere near as fitting a pseudonym if you actually killed someone... Anyone want to own up to being hit by that water bomb? - BA)

Dead Man Walking: It started off with us, the most heavily armed team - shouts of "OH **** he's got a CPS3000! Run!" were expected to be a common experience. We also had some storms and other medium armaments. We waited while looking at the other teams. Sick of waiting, we proceeded to walk, guns at the ready into the open, using our range advantage. We spotted a team hiding in woodland, and porceeded to attack, resulting in one of our team members (Rampant Murdering Bastard - BA) biting the dust. Loot!!!!! I'm now carrying two weapons of near devasting power, and am guarding our team's back. The CPS3000 leading, we retreated into the open again. We heard the screams as the two other teams engaged. We manauvered for a while. Then, all of a sudden Colonel Flashheart was gone! Where was he? Moments later an exchange is heard. Going to investigate my team mate and I find the corpses of a double kill. Picking up the CPS3000, with Vicious Chicken grabbing another CPS. We then proceeded to partake in a protracted hunt for The Wanted Criminal Ed Noakes. Eventually killing him.

Hermione: We all got wet. I was knackered from running away earlier so I pretended to be dead, unfortunately Colonel Flashheart didn't believe me and shot me some more to make sure. Since he had a massive water cannon and I had an RBG I thought that was taking excessive precautions, but then I did intend to kill him.

Battle 10

Last Man Standing, with knives.

These all started: The Inquisitor, Rampant Murdering Bastard, Vindicare, Hermione, Phillipa, Big Hairy Monster, Blade, and The Fraudulent Founder of Hyperbolic Geometry.

While waiting for the last three in the previous Battle to die, we amused ourselves with a knife Battle. This divided neatly into a series of duals, which were won by The Inquisitor, and Blade - who met for a climatic finale, both missing one arm. In the end, The Inquisitor's Killer Rabbit proved fatal, gnawing off the remaining arm, before going for the throat, in the time honoured fashion.


The Inquisitor: Fluffy, my Killer Rabbit, has been blooded - I fought, and defeated two opponents, losing my right arm in the process, stabbed a third in the back, as she won - and finally engaged in a dual with Blade, who lost both arms, and then died.

Hermione: Knives. Which proves it isn't the size of the weaponry, it's what you do with it... hang on, it IS the size of the weaponry. Or to the first approximation, anyway. But the same guys keep winning.....

At this point, the Battle Arbiter was thoroughly drenched, and then applauded. Then we all packed up and went home. Or wherever it is that assassins go when they aren't lurking in their black coats.

Rampant Murdering Bastard: Finally as the sun set and darkness fell upon this fair city I departed, wiser, more cautious and very, very dead.

Hermione: Anyway, the whole thing was fun. We all black-coated and skulked off in our different directions, unhappy in the knowledge that assassins doing our subject now know who we are and can kill us just as soon as we come up on the Wanted List for corruption. Which is merely a consequence of assassin honour.


Battles won:


Battles survived:


Thus, it remains only for me to present the

Final Scores

And that, folks, is what happens when you stop saying 'Someone should organise a Battle!', and start saying 'I'll organise a Battle.'

Try it, you might like it.

See you all again for another one... Oh, and more reports to me please!

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